Cuckoo (2012) s04e04 Episode Script


Previously on Cuckoo .
Unprofessional behaviour, using the public forum of the Lawyer Of The Year Awards to call your colleagues a shower of shithouses.
My partners, ladies and gentlemen.
I move that we suspend Ken Thompson from the firm for a period of one month.
Imagine having to keep it from your whole family - you've been suspended from work.
- Chief Ken! If you tell Lorna, I won't be your friend any more.
Chief Ken's been suspended from work and he's been hiding it - from Lorna this whole time.
- What? KEN! Find somewhere else to spend the night.
Clear the runway, it's an emergency! Dylan! Eurgh, you animal! Can we please put a lock on that bathroom door?! It's on your dad's to-do list.
Along with being honest to his wife of 25 years.
Are you still making Dad sleep at Steve's bar? Well, until he apologises.
Also with your dad gone, I get the chance to blast a few Nazis.
Dad would love a bit of this.
No, he gets furious at the historical inaccuracies.
"World War II was won by strategy, Lorn, not one American with a bayonet.
" - Sniper! - Got him! I don't think Dad meant to lie about being suspended, Mum.
I think he was just too embarrassed to tell you.
Like when he applied for Mastermind.
"But then the handsome prince slayed the evil dragon, and saved all the villagers!" Phew, that was tense! I think we both need a nappy changing after that one.
"And so the prince and his beautiful princess lived happily ever after.
" And then - That's the end.
- No.
What? That can't be the end.
What happens after happily ever after? Sid, hey, have you been eating the pages again? Sid? You are such a bad nephew-cousin! Dad probably had a better night's sleep over there anyway.
Yeah, Dylan was a bit noisy last night.
- All that rutting! - Mum! It's healthy, Rach.
It means he likes her.
Maybe we'll hear the pitter-patter of tiny Dylans! Yeah It's funny you should say that, actually, Mum, because - You're pregnant! - Shh, Dale might hear.
- You're pregnant! You're pregnant! - Mum! Stop that! He doesn't know? Well, I'm probably not.
I'm only couple of weeks late.
So Sid, I know what comes next for the prince and princess! I'm so excited to be a dad! I'm going to do all the things I could never do with MY dad.
Like meet him.
WHIRRING AND DRILLING Sausage What the f ? Steve? STEVE?! Steve? STEVE! STEEEEVE! Yeah, yeah! (HE CHUCKLES) Here's my little stud-muffin! So, is she a keeper? Well, she's a goer.
Come on, Dylan, give me a little bit more information.
Er, she's not my usual type.
- Do you like her? - She's all right.
Dylan, that's so romantic, love! Mum, I wouldn't get too excited.
If you like her, I'm sure I'll like her too.
Oh! Hi, Lorna! Connie! Oh, hi! Dylan, no.
Have you got back with Zoe? - Not exactly.
- Oh, thank God.
for a minute there, I thought you had made a terrible mistake.
Well, I'm fine.
I'm fine! I can't complain.
The weather's getting nice again.
Where's Pepe? Why are you having sex with my son? Mum, don't be a knob.
I know this must be a shock, but we bumped into each other last night and It was lovely to see you, Connie.
Why are you having sex with my son? Please, God, you're using contraception.
- Do we need to? - Sometimes.
I'm making tea now.
You want some tea? I'm not thirsty.
I'm hungry.
Rach! It's Connie! Dylan's girlfriend is Connie! - Which Connie?- Connie Connie.
- Your friend Connie? - Yes! - Steve's ex-wife Connie? - Yes, Connie! Dylan's ex-girlfriend's mum Connie? - Hi, Rach.
- Hi.
- Do you mind? - No, that's fine.
Cheers, my love.
Bye, Rach! - THAT Connie?! - Yes, that Connie.
But she used to babysit him! Let's not judge.
I mean, she's obviously been through a rough time.
And being married to Steve for years is enough to drive anyone - Into Dylan's bedroom? - Oh, Christ.
I haven't even hoovered in there.
- Hi.
Erm, don't go into our room, because there's no surprise in there for you.
50 quid it's a sofa fort.
Dylan, ooh! (CONNIE SQUEALS WITH PLEASURE) - Why didn't they put a bloody door in? - I don't know, Ken.
Domestic construction is one of two skills I haven't mastered.
- The other one is whist.
- Steve, when are they coming back? It's supposed to be next week, but I'll give them a ring now.
In the meantime, try and enjoy yourself.
Try Try and enjoy myself?! Enjoy what? - Suffocation? - Well, some people say it heightens sensitivity.
- Just call the builders.
- Will do.
If you get bored, there's a couple of tinnies left back there.
And a newish copy of AutoTrader.
Steve, I'm actually a bit funny about small spaces.
Ken, it's quite a big space.
It is small for me.
Ken, I will not leave your side.
I'll be your Greyfriars Bobby, Chewbacca to Han Solo.
In both those cases, the other guy died.
Let's be Jack and Rose from Titanic.
I wouldn't know how to even search for that online.
Oh, there's a whole subreddit.
Well, I fucking enjoyed it, whatever it was.
I don't know what Zoe was complaining about.
Zoe complained about me? Oh, not about you, just about the sex.
But Mum knows best.
Dylan, I know we said this was just supposed a bit of fun, but it's sort of working, right? Yeah! I beat my record.
- What you doing? - Putting a picture on Facebook.
Chilling with my bae.
Hashtag pinot, hashtag what am I like?! - Hold on - There! We're official.
God, that feels liberating.
Erm, breakfast in bed? God.
None of my ex-husbands ever brought me breakfast in bed.
Well, Steve brought Weetabix once, but not to eat.
PHONE BEEPS Oh! Our first like.
From Zoe! Holy shit! I didn't want to get involved, but did you think things were moving a bit fast? I just saw this on Facebook Why did you like it?! Oh, I like everything my son does on Facebook.
Well, ignore it.
It's over.
That was quick.
Yeah, so quick that she doesn't know about it yet.
- Dylan? - Mum, could you do me a small favour, seeing as she's your friend? Could you tell her that it's over too? - I forgot to mention it.
- What?! No rush, I won't be back for a couple of hours! Oh, by the way, she's expecting breakfast in bed.
- Cheers, Mum! Bye! - Dylan! Don't you dare! Come back here! Lorna? Is the shower free? - Yeah! Help yourself! - Thanks.
I can't believe she actually kicked me out.
I mean, all I did was lose my job, pretend to go to work and then lie about it to my wife's face every day for the best part of a month.
Well, bitches be crazy.
They're not bitches, Steve, they're women.
But, yes, broadly speaking, some of them be crazy.
You wouldn't believe the mind games Connie used to play.
"Toilet seat down, Steve.
Plastic sheets for skinning squirrels, Steve.
" Skinning squirrels? You have to skin them, Ken, or the fur bungs up the slow cooker.
You are a weird little creature, Steve, but it is nice to have someone to talk to.
THUD Sssh! Go, go! Go! It's really nice to talk to you too, Ken.
Very nice.
SHE CHUCKLES Oh! Connie, can we have a little chat? I know what you're going to say, Lorn: it's a rebound.
Well, actually, a double rebound, not sure what you call that.
Return volley? Listen, I really shouldn't be the one telling you this, but Can I just say how much it means to me that you're OK with, er - You sleeping with my son? - The last thing I need is any more drama.
Drama? No, no drama.
I mean, it's not as if you're going to become my daughter-in-law.
- Is it? - The year I've had, Lorn.
Tearing the family apart to run off with Pepe, then as soon as we get engaged, Pepe gets drafted into the Israeli army and is never allowed to contact me again! There comes a time, Lorn, when you look at your life and you think, "Am I ever going to be happy again?" And then one Tuesday night in Walkabout, up dances Dylan with a couple of tequilas and you think, "Oh, why the fuck not?" I was in such a dark place.
I can honestly say, and this is no exaggeration, your son pulled me back from the brink.
But I'm rabbiting on, what was it you wanted to say? Oh, doesn't matter.
It seemed very urgent a minute ago.
And it's not now.
Life's funny like that.
No, spit it out, Lorn.
Just, the thing is Ken's left me.
Really?! Yeah, for an air stewardess.
Does a lot of travelling, then, for his work.
He met her in a taxi.
- He met an air stewardess in a taxi? - Yep.
And now he's left me for her.
The bitch.
Oh, Lorna.
All men are shits.
Oh, sod the tea, let's open some wine.
Yeah, I think I need some.
Wine! Whoo! - Dale! - Whoa! Can't go in there, the prince hasn't finished yet! Prince? Dale, what's going on in there? You don't worry about that baby.
(HE CHUCKLES) - Why do you say that? - Say what? "Baby", in that weird way.
And then laugh.
I can't keep it in any longer.
I'm so excited for us! OK, calm down.
I just want to dance and sing and shout from the rooftops.
Rachel's pregnant! RACHEL'S PREGNANT! ELECTRO POP MUSIC PLAYS - Stop that.
- I don't know if I can! Rach, all that corny stuff they say in movies, it's true! I feel like I'm made of clouds! - Well, you're not.
I don't know if I definitely am pregnant yet.
I still haven't done a test.
Oh! I'll do one right now.
Hey there, little guy.
Give me a high five.
Yep! I felt him.
We're pregnant.
- OK, I'm not sure that's conclusive.
- Oh.
We need to do a real test.
- OK.
- OK, come on.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with D.
- Well, it's not a bloody door, is it?! - So you concede? Well, given that I can't see anything your side of the wall, yes, I concede.
It's "Devotion.
To my best friend Ken".
I can't wait to go home.
You're not going home, Ken.
Your marriage is in tatters.
There's nothing wrong with my marriage.
All we need is a weekend away in a B&B and maybe a visit to a castle.
That's what I thought with me and Connie, but it's a sticking plaster.
First it's the mini breaks, then before you know it you're knocking on doors at Center Parcs asking people to join in.
Oh, God, that is bleak.
Not as bleak as when we first split up, Ken.
Some mornings I would drink a whole bottle of limoncello.
Do you know what I needed most in those darkest hours? A packet of Rennies? Bloody hell, I went through so many Rennies, Ken.
So many Rennies.
No, I'm talking about companionship.
I don't mean the wishy-washy love of a treacherous woman.
I'm talking about real, male, BFF companionship.
And you were there for me, Ken.
Was I? I don't think I was.
We don't need women, we need each other, forever.
I'm putting my hand against the wall, Ken, it's about 1.
61 metres from the floor.
I suggest you do the same.
Do you know what a best friend would do for me now? - Sing you a lullaby? - Go and see Lorna.
Go and see Lorna and tell her I'm sorry, and that I'll be back as soon as the bloody builders arrive.
Yeah, I'll do that right now, Ken.
So I'm just going, Ken, to speak to Lorna, like you asked.
So, er Bye.
CLATTERING Oh, my God, you are a weird little goblin.
Which you'll come to love.
Steve? Fuck.
MUSIC: Insane In The Brain by Cypress Hill You're better off without him anyway, Lorn.
He always was a funny-looking thing.
What?! Ken's bloody gorgeous.
Oh, don't defend him, Lorn, not while he's out there stowing his tray table and putting his seat-back in the upright position.
- What?! - With the air stewardess.
Right, forgot that.
Yeah, screw him! You could do a lot better, Lorna.
Maybe we should double date? Me and Dylan, you and Listen, Connie Hello, baby! Where have you been? Come and dance with me.
Yeah, in a minute.
Mum, quick word? What's she still doing here? I couldn't do it, Dylan! You should be dumping your own girlfriends.
- But she's YOUR friend! - Exactly! And I want to keep it that way, so you better grow a pair and do the right thing, because I don't have much wine left and I am not opening the good bottles.
- Can't Dad dump her for me? - No, he's left me.
- Has he?! - No.
Sorry, Dylly, I'm getting a bit mixed up, I've had some wine.
Look, let me teach you how to properly dump a woman.
First of all, be honest with her.
So you mean, tell her she's absolutely fucking mental? No.
Not that! Look, let me write it down for you.
Oh, my God.
If it's a boy, we should definitely call him Ken.
And if it's a girl Kenneth.
I dunno, I was thinking something more cool and Scandi.
- What's the name of the woman from The Killing? - Sarah.
No God, it's crazy, isn't it? Just one drop of wee will decide our entire future.
Well, that's how we got here in the first place.
Dale, you do know it's not wee that ? WHOA! Oh, it's a baby! It's a baby.
No, that line means it's negative.
I'm not pregnant.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually kind of relieved.
Kind of massively relieved.
Oh, it's just hitting me now, actually.
- Can you imagine us with a baby?! - Yeah! - And still living with my parents? - No! Fucking hell, Dale, I think we've just dodged a massive bullet here.
- Yeah.
- It's like I've been given a last-minute pardon from the governor and he's not going to strap me to a chair and inject me with motherhood.
No, he's not.
What are we talking about? Three, two, one.
Bad news, Ken.
It's over.
- What? - She was like a woman possessed.
Clothes all over the lawn, your history books on fire, screaming that she never wanted to see your genetically perfect arse ever again.
That doesn't sound like Lorna.
- There was a man there too.
- A man?! What man? Didn't catch his name.
But he was squeezing her bottom.
What did he look like? Like Wolf from Gladiators.
But stronger.
Right, call Lorna, I want to speak to her now.
No, I think that would just make matters worse.
Lorna! Steve Chance.
I've got Ken here, um What? Whoa, slow down! Oh, she's angry, Ken.
T tell her I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ken says he's sorry.
What? What? What? No, that's madness, Lorna! What is? What's madness?! You're not going to believe this, Ken.
She's saying you should move in with me.
Right, well, that's not going to happen.
Well, I don't think you've got much choice, Ken.
What's that, Lorna? Ah, yeah.
She's reminding me I've got a hot tub - which I often fill with stout.
- OK.
Put her on speakerphone now! - No.
IN EFFEMINATE VOICE: It's over, Ken, and I'm taking the kids! I could never love you the way Steve does! IN NORMAL VOICE: Don't be hard on yourself, Lorna.
IN HIGHER VOICE: No, no, it's true! He would make a much better partner than I ever would, and I don't mean sexually.
But if it developed naturally KEN ROARS LOUDLY Sorry, Ken.
I got carried away.
- Did you even speak to Lorna? - No.
It's not my finest hour.
Did you want to speak to her? I'm going home.
He'll call you back.
I'm so pleased you understand.
I mean, when you think about it, having a baby, I mean, that is a massive responsibility.
Yeah, you're right.
And I wasn't prepared at all.
I mean, all I've been doing - for the past two years is looking after Sid.
- Yeah.
So how about this for a plan? We go back to normal, clock up some epic nights out to use up all our FOMO.
And we'll try for a baby some time in the future, you know, when we're both ready.
So tonight? - Tonight?! - Sorry.
Yeah, my bad, epic nights out first.
I mean, it could be next year.
Or, you know, a few.
Right, but within five.
Let's just live our lives, be spontaneous and it'll happen when we're ready.
Got it.
I should probably take this down, then.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry, I had no idea you were this ready.
I was not this ready.
And actually this is a little intense.
And this is my room and I have to sleep in here.
Where's my bed gone?! Oh, my! This is so beautiful.
Does this mean that, erm ? I need some space.
I should Rachel, I'm sorry.
Lorna, no offence, but your son is a total shit just like his father.
Oh, that's a shame, did it not work out? Not only has he just dumped me, but it was the most pathetic dumping ever.
Pathetic?! Don't you mean thoughtful and sensitive? No.
I bloody don't! He said he wants to stay friends! Well, that's nice, isn't it? What do I want to be friends with a teenager for?! He's, like, seven! And the worst part of it is, he was reading it all off a little bit of paper! Right, well, he wasn't supposed to actually read it off the paper Christ! Your family is toxic.
I don't ever want to see a Thompson man again.
Connie, wait.
Lorna, I Connie? - Connie! - One in the Thompsons! I'll go get some ice.
Connie? Steve.
Connie! Why did you have to come back now? - Lorna! Lorna! - Oh, I missed this! Shove this on them! Yeah.
- Oh Christ! - It's all right.
Just there! Why, Lorna, why?! " but then the handsome prince slayed the evil dragon and saved all the villagers! And so the prince and his beautiful princess lived happily ever after.
" Well, until the princess had a pregnancy scare and needed some space.
But don't worry, Sid, the handsome prince knew exactly what to do.