Cuckoo (2012) s04e05 Episode Script


SHE SCREAMS Where am I? Hello? Hello? Anyone? Morning, Sandeep.
Morning! New hair, Karen? Lovely.
I love the smell of law in the morning.
- Ken.
- Jane.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
What do you think is going on? I think you've come into the office ignoring the fact that you've been suspended, hoping we'll let it go out of some sense - of British awkwardness.
- Right.
Well, you're way off.
You are in serious danger of losing your job permanently.
- No, you are.
- Look, I really think Can this wait? I've actually got quite a lot to be getting on with, so No.
You really don't.
No-one likes you, Jane.
Everyone says so round the water cooler.
Ken, you've left me with no choice.
I'm calling a board meeting for 4pm to decide your future.
You have ten minutes to plead your case.
Then I will see you in court.
It won't be in court.
- It's in the boardroom.
- It's a turn of phrase, Jane.
Told you it wouldn't work.
It was your idea.
Go in there with your head held high, you said.
No-one will question your natural authority, you said.
I even took a packed lunch.
I didn't think you were actually going to do it! Now I have to go back in at 4pm today and beg for my job.
A disgraced lawyer, dodging former colleagues in the supermarket, before ending up glued to his sofa in a soiled man nappy.
I'm so sorry, love.
But if you've got nothing to do till four, how about you take the car back? - What?! - Well, you said yourself, the monthly payments are killing you.
And now you don't have a job.
I might still have a job! Yeah, but it's looking a bit shaky.
Ken, it's a little excessive: the hands-free, the onboard computer you don't know how to use, the snazzy cup-holder.
Isn't it all a bit midlife crisis? No.
A Volvo XC90 is not a midlife crisis and I do know how to use that computer, I just need some more practice! Lorna, I didn't get a Vespa, I'm having a bloody cup-holder.
- All right, Mum, you ready? - Yep! Fucking hell, dressed by 11? You must've raced through your morning dump.
You can be high and mighty with me, young man, when you're doing something more virtuous than flogging phones to morons.
Erm, I think you mean valuable customers, dad.
No, if they're buying a phone off of you, they're a moron.
Well, at least I'm bringing home the bacon.
Tell you what, treat yourself to something nice.
- Bye, love.
- Oh, he thinks he's won.
You think you've won! Well, you haven't.
I've got your £20 and I will buy myself something nice.
- Oh, that's weird.
- What's weird, Chief Ken? Rachel hasn't made her move on Words With Friends.
Must be still reeling from my crippling deployment of zygote - on a triple point score.
- She's not reeling.
She's just got no reception in the Pennines.
- In the Pennines? - Yeah.
- It's a mountain range.
- I know what the Pennines are, Dale.
- Why is Rachel there? - Because I put her there.
It's the closest place to the outback I could find.
What? It's nothing like the outback.
Nowhere in the UK is like the outback.
Well, I mean there are parts of Kent, but my point is, why have you stranded my daughter in the outback The Pennines? For a walkabout.
When aborigines search for answers, they strand themselves in the outback.
So, are you saying that ? OK, start from the beginning.
It's pretty simple, Ken.
So, Rachel said she needed more space to think about her path in life, so, I found the place in England with the most space there is.
And then I deserted her there! Please, tell me, with food and water and - Nope.
With nothing! - Oh, my God.
PHONE: Hi, it's Rachel, sorry, I can't get to the phone right now, please leave a Great! So now I have to go and rescue Rachel from the Pennines and you've picked the day where I have a meeting to decide the fate of my career.
Oh, come on, Ken.
I couldn't have predicted that.
Let's face it, you haven't had a lot of meetings recently.
Get in the car! Oh, come on! Come on.
Oh, fucking Dylan.
You promised me this had full coverage.
What the ? WALKMAN: Rachel.
If you're listening to this, it means you've found the Walkman and pressed Play.
And had the headphones when you did that.
You said you wanted space so I gave it to you.
But I also gave you much more.
A double-sided cassette and my voice covering topics like spiritual lessons I've learned to keep you company as you find your way back to me.
So, keep listening.
The aborigines TAPE WINDS FORWARD using the mucus from a kangaroo pouch! TAPE WINDS FORWARD AGAIN But, it was only ever in his mind.
TAPE WINDS FORWARD AGAIN "That's not a knife, this is a knife.
" But when you are lost, Rachel, you need to give yourself to the universe and the universe will provide salvation.
It may come in a strange form a form you didn't expect.
Like the form of a spirit guide.
You just need to reach your hand out and grab it.
Oh, thank God I found you.
I'm lost.
Can you help me, please? Fuckin' hell.
This was supposed to be getting away from it all.
Two days I've got in the past five years just to be on my own.
No kids, no terrapins, no sex addiction therapy sessions.
What's that? It's my Kendal Mint Cake and, no, you can't have any.
Fine, if you really are lost I shall be your guide.
But only to the car park of the A515.
SWITCHING BETWEEN RADIO STATIONS Oh, this is great, Chief Ken, just two guys on the open highway.
We're not on the highway, Dale.
We're on the A515.
I mean, what the hell were you thinking? I was just following your advice, Ken.
How's any of this got anything to do with me? You were the one who told me I need to grow up so I started to do what you do: watch documentaries on BBC Four all day.
And that's where I learned about the aborigines.
Pretty easy to connect the dots, Ken.
Nothing here connects, Dale.
Hey, I'm just trying to help.
Oh, really? Well, if you want to do something to help, tell me what hill she's on, I'll enter it into the sat nav.
I don't know, Ken, there are a lot of hills.
I mean, the outback is a pretty big place.
The Pennines is not the outback! That kind of depends on your point of view.
No, it depends on geography.
When you think about it, aren't we all just geographers? Oh, for God's sake.
- I can fix it.
- Just leave it.
- I can fix it.
- Just bloody leave it.
Stop! Oh.
- What? - You want to be helpful? - Yes.
- Get the iPad out of the back, use that app, maybe we can track her phone.
Oh, yes, brilliant, Chief Ken.
You are a huge man with a huge brain.
All right.
Come on, come on.
Yep, I found her! - OK.
- And she's close.
She's on the A515.
OK, good, we're on the A515.
- Heading north.
- All right.
We're heading north.
Dale, which junction is she off? Er, she's just passing junction 17.
Do you think there is a chance that you're tracking that iPad? No.
IPAD BEEPS - Yes, I have done that.
- Right.
Well, I'm going to have to do something I never thought I would do.
- Run that 5K? - No, I'm going to do that.
No, I'm going to call Dylan and ask for his help.
Computer, call Dylan.
Phone Dylan! - Fuck - COMPUTER: Please repeat name Dylan.
Phone DYLAN! Phone Dylan.
Dylan Thomp-SON.
Playing popular songs by Chumbawamba.
Fuck it! Are you, like, a real person, right? My tape said something about spirit guides, and I know you're not a real spirit guide, but I'm having boyfriend troubles, and I just wondered if you could, you know, while we're here, Debbie, just tell me what to do with my life.
I'm NOT a spirit guide.
I'm just a lone woman wandering the hills who found you in the mist in your moment of need.
And I'm aware that what I just said makes me sound like a spirit guide, but I'm not.
So, can you just be quiet for at least the rest of the time we spend together? PHONES RING Hello, Phone For Now, how can ? Dylan, it's Dad.
I'm ringing from the hands-free in the car.
- Is that supposed to impress me or something? - Well, frankly, yes.
Listen, Dale has stranded your sister in the wilderness for reasons that are impossible to fathom.
(HE CHUCKLES) What, like a sort of walkabout? Exactly! You sold her a phone, right? Yeah, you bet I did.
Totally rinsed her.
We call it the mug package.
I'm not sure you should be quite so proud of that.
Says you.
They let me ring the big bell.
Look, can you locate her phone? Defo.
But that's a service I can only really offer a customer or, as you might say, a moron.
Right We do have some amazing packages, Mr Thompson.
OK, what's the cheapest contract you've got? £12.
99 a month, but unfortunately we're out of stock.
Oh, sounds like your phones are really flying off the shelves.
Don't encourage him! We do, however, have our top phone in stock.
That's just £50 a month with a small upfront charge of just £89.
Just find your sister's phone.
No problem.
Just hold the line for one second, please.
BIG BELL RINGS Sorry about that, Mr Thompson.
It looks like Rachel's phone is out of reception.
I'll let you know when she comes online.
So, this whole thing was just one giant waste of money.
Not for me.
Just made salesmen of the week.
Computer, hang up immediately! You know, sometimes I really hate my own son.
- I can still hear you, Dad.
- Good! - PHONE RINGS - Oh! Finally.
- Nina? - Oh, Rachel, finally.
Are you in a wind tunnel? No, it's a bad line.
Oh, OK.
Look, well, look, a job's come up, a real one, with hungry kids and buckets and everything.
Just exactly what you wanted.
And, like, the kids are really, really hungry.
Oh, that sounds amazing! - Where is it? - Um, it's in Sierra Nevada.
Or Leone.
I forget.
The African one.
BREAKING UP: I'm going to need an answer pretty soon, because Nina? Nina, I can't hear you.
BREAKING UP: I'll call you back.
- - "Zygote".
Oh, Dad, you monster! (Fuck.
) Jane, board members I can only apologise for my behaviour.
It does not reflect who I am.
Those of you who know me best will know me as a good man, and someone who should have won lawyer of the year, but - Dingo! - Dale, it's another sheep! - And I'm trying to rehearse my speech here.
- Sorry, Chief Ken.
You're just not really holding my attention.
God, you are more like your father than you realise.
- Did he like dingoes too? - Oh, please, listen.
You are intending to marry my daughter, a fact that through some elaborate form of Stockholm syndrome I've come to accept.
But, for the sake of my sanity, I need to know that you can hold a normal conversation with me, your potential father-in-law.
So, please.
No dingoes, no walkabout.
Just talk to me like a human being.
This is going to be exciting! - OK.
- What are we going to talk about? Well Did you watch the rugby? - You lost me, Ken.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- PHONE RINGS - Oh, at last Dylan.
Computer, answer the phone.
- COMPUTER: The outside temperature is five degrees.
- I'll do it myself! Dad? Rachel must have walked through some reception.
I can tell you where she is.
Thank you.
Some good news.
- Where is she? - I said I CAN tell you.
I didn't say I WOULD tell you.
You little rat.
How much is this going to cost me? It's just an extra £15 a month, and I'll throw in a free Pokemon phone case.
- Oh, cool! - This is highway robbery! - A515 robbery.
- Shut up, Dale.
Right, so I'll send over Rachel's location in a dropped pin.
You can open that on your inboard sat nav, right? Yes.
Yes, of course I can.
Let's see, um Airbag disabled.
Ha! You massive twat! It is a bit weird.
I met you, now I've been offered this job.
Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something? But, if it is, it's telling me to leave the man of my dreams.
And do I really want to do that? You know what I think? Your choices in life, they don't really matter.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm never going to see you again.
I don't give a shit what you do! That is not nice! Must be here Settings - Map - COMPUTER BEEPS Oh, maybe it's this one.
- Oh, no, that's the car seat! - OK.
Wow! HE LAUGHS It goes backwards and forwards with the touch of a button.
- Oh, my God.
- Back, forwards, back - Uh-oh.
It's stopped working.
- Oh, well done! There.
Oh, no.
Jesus Christ! - What? - She's the other side of the Pennines! I'm never going to make the meeting now.
And we need petrol.
Oh, God.
That's it, it's over.
- Jane is going to jump on this like a - Dingo? No, not like a dingo! I'm going to be out on the street.
I mean, this is a spacious car, but will it house an entire family? Oh, God.
I'm sweating.
- I'm shaky! - That's your massage seat, Ken.
I'm going to die.
I'm going to die in a petrol station on the A515.
I need to get some air.
Chief Ken, take a deep breath, OK? We got this.
We can find Rachel and make it back in time for your meeting if we multitask.
I'll do the gas, you go inside.
Get yourself a nice relaxing pasty, OK? I'm not going to be placated by a pasty, Dale.
The idea that hot steak and potato chunks surrounded by delicious, flaky pastry are going to make things better.
Honestly! Yeah, I might get a pasty, actually.
- Yeah.
- Oh, and I'm going to use Dylan's 20 to do it! - All right! - Yeah! ON TAPE: If there's one final piece of advice, Rachel, it's that koala milk, while tempting, will drive you SHE REWINDS Sid, if you're listening to this, it means I'm dead.
SHE REWINDS It's probably because of zombies.
Hit it, Dylan! HE BEATBOXES Would you please just give me a bit of that? - No.
- I am lost, OK? Here, but also here.
And whether you like it or not, destiny has chucked us together (SHE EXHALES LOUDLY) Will you just give me a break? Rachel, I want you to take this.
Chuck it in the bin, will you? But I still don't understand why it stopped.
I mean, I put so much diesel in it.
I can see you're upset, Ken, but I was only trying to help.
Like you tried to help Rachel by stranding her in the wilderness.
And you helped Sid by cutting off his foreskin.
And you encouraged me to have that pasty that you knew I'd eat too quickly and give myself indigestion! OK, I put my hands in the air, Ken.
I've made mistakes, OK? I promise you, I will learn from them, and I will never make the same mistake twice.
No, you'll probably make new ones and outdo yourself.
Look, Dale, you're a nice bloke, but that means you get away with a lot.
And sometimes, honestly, I can't help but wonder if you're not just a bloody idiot! Oh, not that.
I can't bear that.
Dale, not the bottom lip.
Oh, don't cry.
Look, I didn't mean it.
It's not what you said, Chief Ken.
It's that you're right.
I AM an idiot.
And I'm not worthy of Rachel.
- And if she does live through this - She's going to live through this.
I'm going to tell her, if I'm stupid enough to put diesel in your petrol car, then we shouldn't get married.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's an easy mistake to make, son.
Anybody could've made it.
Don't go breaking up over this, lads.
- What?! - Listen.
I've been married 34 years, and I can tell you, happiness is a hard thing to come by, especially for a man of your age and shape, with a lovely young lad like this, as beautiful as he is.
- Thank you.
- Hold on to it.
Don't let it go over a tankful of diesel! - Is the car fixed? - Good as new.
You know the cup-holder's broken? SHOUTING: I know the cup-holder's broken! - SAT NAV: You have arrived at your destination.
- Finally! Rachel! Rachel! Oi! Oi! She's over there! Rach, I'm SO sorry.
You bloody should be! I needed time to think, not some kind of non-consensual Duke of Edinburgh.
It's like Chief Ken says, I'm not really good at anything, except maybe capoeira.
So totally batshit, Dale.
But it WAS good to have some space.
Really good, actually.
- I'm really glad you're safe, love.
- Thank you.
Well, actually, you've got someone to thank for that.
A stranger who I weirdly thought was a spirit guide for a while.
Guys, I'd like you to meet Right.
Can we get on the road?! One hour till the meeting.
I think we can make it if I put this thing into sports mode.
- Oh! - Oh, my God! What the fuck?! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - I can't believe what happened.
- This is the man of your dreams?! Oh! Ow! PHONE RINGS It's 5:30, they're probably all in the Baker's Arms by now.
Jane, it's Ken.
- Listen - Where on Earth are you? - We're all waiting.
- Yeah, I know.
Look, you've probably realised by now I'm not going to make the meeting.
I am so, so sorry.
LINE BREAKS UP Actually, I'm not sorry.
BREAKING UP: I'm sorry.
You see, my daughter was in danger, and I made a choice to prioritise my family.
LINE BREAKS UP COMPLETELY And I take those principles to work every day, and I represent the underdog, the working man.
BREAKING UP: You dog, Jane.
I know you think I hate you.
BREAKING UP: I hate you.
I don't hate you.
BREAKING UP: I hate you.
So, please, let's start anew and work together to build a firm where we all want to be.
Good day to you.
BREAKING UP: A firm F-you.
I motion we finally fire Ken Thompson.
Goodbye, Ken.
- Baker's Arms? - ALL: Yes.
Well, if that doesn't do it, nothing will.