Cuckoo (2012) s04e06 Episode Script

Opening Night

1 Previously on Cuckoo Would you do me the honour of permitting me, Dale Ashbrick, to propose to your daughter? Should your focus be wedding rings when you haven't got a job? You are looking at a 49% owner of All Dale And Steve's Pals.
Steve's already got the lease.
Why do I feel scared? Rachel said she needed more space to think about her path in life, so I found the place in England with the most space there is! I needed time to think, not some kind of non-consensual Duke of Edinburgh.
A job's come up, a real one.
Where is it? Erm, it's in Sierra Nevada or Leone.
The African one.
Oh, wow.
Like, genuine question, you built this? Just you and Steve? Well, it was mainly me.
Steve preferred to supervise.
He made me work with my top off a lot.
Sometimes my pants too.
All right.
- DOOR OPENS - Ah Wow.
I actually meant shove a coat of magnolia on it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can wash it off.
No, no, no, no.
No, leave it.
It's beautiful.
It's All Steve's Pals.
I mean, look at this place, huh? And they said we'd never make it happen.
- Who did? - Ken, Lorna, Connie, the postman, my kids, BBC West Midlands, your girlfriend Yeah, to be fair, I did say that.
Still, we showed them.
But the question is, Dale, are you ready? I think so.
RACHEL GIGGLES How was that? BOTH: Fucking hell.
Hiya, love.
Busy day? Ha! Yeah, right.
Just plotting my return to Herbert Radcliffe Solicitors as chief partner.
Don't you think it's time that you started looking for another job? Nah, Dad'll be fine, Mum.
I mean, a vacancy for a giant dickhead is bound to come up somewhere soon.
I don't need to look for a new job because I'm getting my old one back.
Oh, yeah? How are you planning to do that? I know how you can get your old job back.
Oh, right.
Come on, then.
What's the big idea? Well, you take the other partners for a nice, friendly curry, except for that Jane one.
With her, you want to say you're doing a charity skydive, and then, when you're up there, rip the safety cord from her parachute, strangle her with it, and then shove her out of the plane.
And say something really cool like, "See you around.
" That might actually work! Ken! The curry bit, obviously, not the horrifying murder.
Although, if I was going to do that, I'd say something cooler than, "See you around.
" "Is it a bird? Is it a Jane?" Yeah.
"Auf Wieders-Jane.
" Yeah, or, erm We could have, erm - Erm - Oh Yeah, murder her or don't murder her, cos I really don't give a shit.
I'm starting to worry about Dylan.
Yeah? What was the turning point? When he shat in his girlfriend's bath or, two years later, when he shagged her mum? Good point.
Anyway, this plan Me and all the partners, out for a curry tomorrow night.
No Jane there to poison them against me.
Classic divide and conquer.
Jane - the hopeless Turks Me - Genghis Khan, literally currying favour with her employees.
PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS It means I'll miss Dale's opening night, but Hello, I'd like to book a table for six tomorrow night, please.
The name? IN DEEP VOICE: Genghis Ken.
SHE LAUGHS No, just Ken is fine.
- SHE LAUGHS - Oh, God Not tonight, my love.
- PHONE CHIMES - Goodnight, Chief Ken.
Goodnight, Lorna.
- Night, Dylan.
- DYLAN: Jesus, you bell-end! Oh, my bad, sorry! (DALE LAUGHS) Wow, Dylan sure does love to masturbate.
Yeah.
HE EXHALES Wow.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep.
I'm so excited for the launch.
- Dale - Mm-hmm? If I was to ask you to do something that was bad for you, like, I don't know, eat raw pork, would you do it? I'd say, "Hand me the sausage.
" You know I'd do anything for you, Rach.
Yeah, I do.
Goodnight.
SIGHING So, when do you want me to do it? Cos I'm going to be pretty busy tomorrow with the launch, but I might be able to pop back a few sausages in the morning.
It was hypothetical.
- That's a relief.
- Yeah.
And hypothetical means ? You don't have to eat the sausage.
Oh! OK.
Awesome.
Night, Rach.
It's only for six months, so I'll be back before you know it.
Sierra Leone? Wow.
Oh, it's a beautiful part of Asia? It's Africa.
- Yes, I knew that.
- Yeah.
Anyway, you two are going to have a great time over there.
I don't think I should bring Dale.
Oh, Jesus.
It's a biggie.
Is this because he stranded you on the Pennines? You can't stay angry at him forever.
I'm not angry.
Dale's happy here.
He's put his life into his bar, and if I ask him to come, he'll come.
And don't you want him to come? No, I want him to come but, deep down, even if he says he wants to come, I know he wants to stay, and I have to go.
I'm all over the shop here, Rach.
What is it you're trying to say? Dale would do anything for me, and this wouldn't be fair.
If I ask him to come, he'll say yes.
He's like a big lovely Labrador.
He even catches Frisbees in his mouth.
Yeah, that's hard.
Oh, that's terrible.
She's crazy.
I know.
Hey, guys! Oh, hi, Ken.
What are you doing here? Aren't you ? What, just because I've been fired means I can't come into my own workplace any more? Erm Yeah? I actually swung by to see if you guys fancied going out for a big old curry tonight.
My treat.
You can have a rice and a naan.
Unlimited chutney.
I mean, up to a point, obviously, don't take the piss, but - Yeah, all right.
Sounds good, yeah.
- Great.
And, hey, probably best if we don't invite Jane, eh? Might be a little bit more fun if it's just us lads.
Sure, yeah, probably better without her anyway.
The fun sponge.
Oh, dear.
Are things not going great with Jane? She's cracking the whip, mate.
She doesn't even let us watch The Good Wife in the office any more.
We're all out of sync.
Noel doesn't even know Will dies.
- What?! - That is a shame.
An office needs fun, guys.
But then, that is Jane, isn't it? Cruel, harsh, dour, joyless, really kills the mood in any room, doesn't she? Yeah, like a fart in a lift.
But the Germans will keep re-electing her, won't they? You've got to hand it to the woman.
She's Hello, Jane.
Ken, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be at home watching daytime telly and payday loan ads? Ken's taking us for a curry tonight.
Great.
I'll stick it in the diary.
Glad you can make it.
- I know what you're doing, Ken.
- Excuse me? If you think you can buy your job back with a chicken korma, then you're even more ridiculous than you look.
See you tonight.
Of course you would order a korma.
- Hey, Dale! - Hey, Steve! What's in the box? Our high-class, beach-side tiki bar dress code.
Bikinis, budgie smugglers Perfect for that beach-side vibe.
All free, lost property from the local leisure centre.
Ha! That's genius.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I can't believe we're finally ready.
Ah, we're more than ready.
Box of swimwear and the cheapest strippers in the Midlands booked.
- Boom! - Boom.
I just wish Chief Ken was going to be here to see it.
Also, it's still no to the strippers.
What? Ken isn't coming? Is it something I said? Ah I wasn't there enough for him.
That's it, isn't it? No, he's just made plans.
OK, I took my eye off the ball.
Connie was back.
We had a trial un-separation 13 days in a Travelodge, round-the-clock lovemaking and rolling news.
Tell Ken I can change.
- Right, but it's not you.
- Huh? He's just organized a curry for a bunch of people at his office.
- Curry? - Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
He needs to get his job back.
I get it.
I just really wish he was going to be here so I could propose to Rachel and he could see that I'm worthy of marrying his daughter.
You're marriage material.
I'd marry you in a shot.
Just say the word.
No.
Unless No.
You're right.
It would never work.
HE SIGHS Hey, don't worry about Ken.
I'll sort it out.
Nina, it's Rachel.
I'm Rachel, hi.
The Sierra Leone vacancy, that's still open, right? God, yeah.
I cannot begin to tell you how fucked it is over there.
Like, really fucked.
- I'd like to take it.
- Fab.
Can you get to the embassy in London tomorrow morning for 9.
00? Only, otherwise I'll have to find someone else.
- Tomorrow? - It would mean going tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can.
Good because, and again I cannot stress this enough, they are fucked.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
Bye.
TO THE TUNE OF "THE PINA COLADA SONG": If you like tikka masala Being a twat to your friends Garlic naan at midnight La da di, la da di There's no keyhole.
Oh, for fuck's sake HE SIGHS - TYRE HISSES - Done and done.
Evening! I could smell it, Lorn.
They hate Jane and they want big Ken back.
It's going to be mutiny on the bhaji.
KEN CHUCKLES Come on, that was good.
You shouldn't have to do this.
You're better than them.
Where's that big sexy tree of a man who wanted to change the world through affordable tax and property law? HE SIGHS He's tired, Lorn.
So tired.
Come on, you don't need them.
You could work for yourself, maybe even start your own firm.
What?! I can't just go around setting up a new Lichfield law firm.
- Are you out of your mind?! - I thought it'd be quite easy.
Don't you just register it at Companies House? No, you do not, Lorna! There are forms to be signed, signed in triplicate! Ah, well.
I tried.
SIGHING Where is he? Do you lot work with Ken? Yes, why? There's been a change of plan: he wants you all to meet him somewhere else.
Where? (HE EXHALES) It's a surprise.
Come on.
Why has he sent you? I'm your Uber.
Chop chop! Come on! Chop chop, or you'll miss the fun.
Come on, Missy.
Shit it! HE SIGHS Unbelievable.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY Poppadoms, please.
All the dips.
It's amazing, really.
I mean, Lichfield is the shittest place on earth and they opened a bar in the shittest part of it.
Oh, just be nice, Dylan.
Dale needs our support.
It's like shit squared, and Rachel's leaving him.
She's not leaving him.
It's only for six months.
Hey, and we're not supposed to say anything.
Rachel's going to talk to him after the launch.
The launch of the world's shittest LOUD MUSIC AND CHEERING bar.
Welcome to All Steve's Pals! - Hey, guys! - This is so amazing! I knew you could do it, bro! - It's really good, Dale.
- Thanks.
There is so much fanny in here.
I don't know how you do it! Neither do I! (DALE LAUGHS) MUSIC: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds Where's Rachel? She's not coming.
Why? Well, I can't tell you why, Dale.
Oh, OK, fine, but you didn't hear it from me.
OK.
She's packing her bags and leaving tomorrow morning she's going to Sierra Leone.
She's leaving? She didn't want to tell you tonight, because she didn't want to ruin your launch.
Well, smart move.
It totally has.
She's so perceptive.
But, wait, Rachel has to be here.
I mean, all of this is to show her how committed I am.
- I'm only doing this for Rachel.
- Are you?! Yes! Well, then, in that case, you have to tell her, now! - HE EXHALES - Go get her, Dale.
Go get her.
I will! Thanks, Lorna.
Welcome to All Steve's Pals.
Don't you forget about me Help yourselves to swimwear from the box.
Line them up! Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about me BELL JINGLES PHONE RINGS Ken, you have to get down to All Steve's Pals now.
The partners are Lorn, I can't talk now.
The partners will be here any minute.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
The partners are here.
What?! - Ken - KEN GRUNTS Excuse me! One, two, three, four - Yeah! - Oi! Ken! You made it.
What do you think? What do I think?! - GLASS SMASHES - I think I'm going to kill you, and not as in a figure of speech.
Like, actually kill you! One of the most important nights of my professional life, and you have kidnapped my colleagues.
Kidnapped is a strong word You've kidnapped them and you've brought them to this quite nice bar.
Ken, take a deep breath and drink this.
Yeah, your colleagues are here.
Look, they're having a great time.
Look, Sandeep's got his tie on his head, Adrian's vaping, and I'm pretty sure Noel has done a pill.
They've had free drinks all night, and I told them they were courtesy of you.
Ken! Great night! - I can't believe you arranged all of this! - Well We miss you, big guy.
Come back to the firm! This might be the cocktails talking, but we need you back, Ken.
(HE SOBS) We need you back.
I haven't had an erection in three years, Ken.
God, I love this song! MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order Come here, big guy.
MUSIC: Midland Girls by Sugarcane Midland girl's gone to the south She's painted up her eyes and her mouth Oh, there she goes again DALE: Rachel! (HE PANTS) Please don't go.
Oh.
You found it? - Is this ? - Yep.
Rachel Thompson, will you ? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
OK.
Just FYI, I was going to say, " marry me?" Yeah, I know you were.
Dale, I am not ready for marriage.
We are not ready.
OK, but that doesn't mean you have to leave.
I have to.
I want you to be happy.
You've put everything into your life here, the bar The bar? I was only doing that for you.
Why would I want a beach bar in Lichfield? Ken said.
He told me I should show you that I can be a provider and take care of you.
That's that's terrible advice! Yeah, I'm starting to see that now.
Rachel, my only dream is being with you, and if that means moving to Sierra Leone, then great.
- Really? - Yes, really.
I'm coming with you, Rach, if you want me to.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah! - OK! Let me pack.
Done! Come on, let's get a cocktail.
I can pack later.
There's a new bar I want to check out.
Apparently some hot American barman works there.
Yeah, probably not a good idea for me to visit a rival bar on opening night.
Oh, I got it, you're talking about All Steve's Pals.
- I'm talking about All Steve's Pals.
- OK, yeah, let's go! - THEY LAUGH - Woohoo! OK, Lorna, here we go.
Having a good time, Jane? I'm shitfaced.
Yay! Listen, Ken, I've seen the way the partners are with you it might be good if you were to come back.
What?! Are you serious?! But I need to know you'll be loyal.
You'll have to respect my authority, and I can't have you outside the tent pissing in.
I won't.
I promise.
I promise I won't piss inside the tent.
I'll piss miles away from the tent.
You won't even notice my piss.
Stop saying piss, Ken.
There is one condition, though.
If I do let you back in, I'll look weak.
I need you to show you're loyal in front of the others.
Right.
Bend the knee.
What? It's not Game Of Thrones, mate.
Get on your knees, beg for your old job back, let the partners see, and then we all get what we want.
No.
No, no, no, no! You are not begging to this Help me, Dylan, you're good at horrible insults.
- Bitch? - Yeah, this bitch! No, I'm so sorry about my wife.
She appears to be hammered.
No, Ken.
I've had enough of this Dog's dick? dog's dick treating you like you're not good enough.
Now, you listen to me.
- My husband's a - Ten foot bell-end? - No.
- Do you want to ? My husband's a great man, and he doesn't need you, Jane, and he doesn't need your bloody twatty little firm! - He needs - Statins? He needs to chase his dreams.
He's starting his own firm.
Am I? Yes.
Yes, Ken.
Yes.
Yes, I am! I'm not standing for this.
Auf Wieders-Jane.
- Yeah! - Oi! That's MY one.
See you later, you Jane in the arse! Yeah! Yeah.
I am.
I am starting my own firm! - I love you, Ken.
- I am! Right, drinks are on the house.
CHEERING One round of the house special cocktail, the Flaming Ken.
ALL: Ooh! Flaming Ken? It's tall.
It's fiery.
It's got balls.
- Cheers, mate.
- Big balls.
Balls you can hold in your hand.
Balls that get the job done.
The best damn balls in the whole of Ballstown.
Fuck off.
Flame up! Oh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah! Is it a good idea to have so many naked flames in a largely bamboo bar, Steve? That really spread.
That fire's fucking beautiful, man.
Oh, thank God.
Get in there quick! Oh, they're not real firemen, Ken.
They're strippers.
Thanks for coming anyway, guys.
Ah! Ooh-rah! They do this amazing routine with a hosepipe and a glove.
Never mind that, your bar's on fire! You know, All Steve's Pals, Ken, it was never going to work, so I decided to "accidentally" burn the place down.
The insurance pay-out on this baby is going to be huge.
But you went to so much effort to make the place work.
Deniability, Lorna, deniability.
I mean, what kind of nutbag goes to all that effort just to burn the place down on purpose? My God, you're a psychopath.
Oh, thank you, Ken.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
Oh What happened? Ask this bloody idiot and his Flaming Kens! I'm so sorry, Dale.
I'm OK.
It's just weirdly sad seeing months of hard work literally go up in flames.
Oh, well.
Got to keep smiling, right? Oh, Chief Ken, me and Rach, we're going to Sierra Leone.
- What? You're going to Africa? - Yeah.
And at what point did you think, "Oh, I don't know, I might tell my bloody dad"?! It was very sudden.
Also, I took your advice and proposed, - but we're not getting married.
- Yeah, thanks for that, Dad.
Life coaching definitely isn't your forte.
Don't quit the day job.
Funny you should say that, Rach.
He literally has just quit his day job! - What? - What? (Right.
Well, a) I don't know why YOU'RE laughing because you were VERY active in that decision, and, (b) my actual advice was to get a job before you get married.
But instead you went into business with a maniac, you opened a cocktail bar, and now your cocktail bar is on fire.
It's probably best that I'm not part of the family quite yet.
Dale No, you are.
You ARE part of the family, this weird, messed-up family.
Fucking hell.
You guys are still getting paid.
Come on! Oh, no.
Aw Our family together.
Mum.
Dylan? - COLLAPSING BUILDING CRUNCHES - Oh.
Yep, everything's fine.
- Come on, lads! - CHEERING MUSIC: Modern Love by David Bowie I know when to go out And when to stay in Get things done CHEERING I catch a paper boy But things don't really change I'm standing in the wind But I never wave bye-bye But I try I try There's no sign of life It's just the power to charm I'm lying in the rain But I never wave bye-bye But I try I try Never going to fall for Modern love Walks beside me Modern love Walks on by Modern love Gets me to the church on time Church on time Terrifies me Church on time Makes me party Church on time Puts my trust in God and man