Cuckoo (2012) s05e01 Episode Script

Ivy Arrives

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host and founder, Mrs Ivy Mittelfart! Well, howdy, y'all! May I say how wonderful it is to be here among so many old, old friends.
And what do all these old friends have in common? Well, here's a hint, it's green, it folds and it rhymes with truck roads of honey! Seriously, give generously! Oh, hey, over here.
Well? We found him.
Ken Thompson.
He's an attorney, lives in Litchfield, England.
My, my! Ken Thompson.
Wife, Lorna, kids, Rachel, Dylan, Sid.
Funny story.
Seven years ago, Rachel, the daughter, married this eccentric hippie, a guy named Cuckoo.
- They - How long does this story last? It's fairly convoluted.
Just give me the file, I'll catch up on the plane.
My, my.
I have a brother.
So, tell us about your trip, love.
Sierra Leone was so intense, it made me realise I need to get my shit together.
Start working for what I believe in, otherwise, the world is forever going to be run by boring, white, middle-aged men.
- Sorry, Dad.
- No, I'm sorry for all injustice ever.
Point is, I'm an independent woman.
The world needs to feel my power.
You still staying with us? - Yeah, is that all right? - Where's Dale? Yeah, I'm sorry, Sid, er He's gone.
Did you make him leave? (PHONE RINGS) - Speak.
- Hi, am I speaking with Ken Thompson? - Yep.
- Great.
- Ken, how's it going today? - Yes, it's great, thank you.
So great that it's going great.
I'm just reaching out about your meeting with Ivy Mittelfart - next week.
She's super-excited.
- Never heard of her.
So you're saying you're not going to meet with her when she comes to the UK next Wednesday? Yes, as I've already said.
Look, can you go through my secretary? It's the weekend over here and in England we have this thing called not working.
OK, I'll talk to your assistant and we can arrange another time for you and your sister to meet.
Sorry? My sister? A sister! I've got a sister and she coming to see us! It's exciting! I always felt sorry for you, Ken, an only child, huge and isolated.
So your biological dad, Big Jack, had another kid in America.
Yeah, before he had his fling with my mum.
I don't know why she's coming to see us now, she obviously wants something.
I'd say that's unlikely.
"The Mittelfart Foundation is a charitable endeavour dedicated to the improvement of human life, founded by billionaire Ron Mittelfart and wife Ivy.
" Sorry, did you say billionaire? Yeah! Bloody hell, we should probably tidy up.
He's a financier.
Yeah, that's the sort that prey on developing economies.
- Ehhh.
- She's probably got a blinking yacht! - Mum! - Oh, my God.
She probably knows Barack Obama.
We'd get on, me and him.
Yeah, he'd like me, Barack.
Not so worried about having a sister now, are you? I'm getting used to it gradually! Tonight, we shall be eating a la gourmand! To start, your guilty pleasure, scallops.
Ooh, and a bacon cream! I love that stuff.
Like pork toothpaste! What a fantastic summer evening! God, Mum, I like this outfit! Aw, thanks, Dyl! (HE SNIFFS) Smells glorious, big guy, and I have got the perfect Malbec, High Country, stuffed with blackcurrants.
It's like Ribena grew up and got naughty.
Wow, I have always wanted a child from the shit bit of the '80s.
So, what time's this aunt arriving? I'm struggling to shift that converted windmill out by Fradley, need a high-worth purchaser.
Er - Rachel, you're back! - Dylan! Yeah, I'd heard you'd become an estate agent, no surprise.
Yeah, well, it's a job, isn't it? Beats being the kind of loser that's 27 and still living at home with their paren Oh, that's exactly your situation, isn't it? - Funny.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) OK, all right.
Now, remember, my sister is a pretty classy customer, so, everyone, just pretend to be better than you actually are.
I'll met by moonlight, proud Ken.
Oh, God.
Saw candles in the kitchen, looked like a party.
So, flagon of home-brew and a brace of pheasant I clipped on the morning drive.
The tyre tracks will wash off.
It's a family dinner, Steve.
Really? Ain't no room for Uncle Steve? You and I are not related.
Now, beat it, you creepy fraggle! (CAR HORN BEEPS) She's here! Oh, bajambas.
Sweet bajambas, do I like that coconut! Oh, Ken! The image, the image of Daddy! It's like he's been born again, brought up in England and strapped on a belly! Oh! Ken, brother, can we hug? I don't see why not? - Aww.
- Aww.
Well, this is my family.
- This is my wife, Lorna.
- Hello.
- My daughter, Rachel.
- Hello.
Look at you, tiny, tiny girls! And your son, mmm, quite the young stud! Oh, no, he's only four.
Oh, no, that's Dylan.
This is Steve, he is not a member of the family.
Steve Chance.
Uber driver, unlicensed medic, aspirant warlock.
I have many girlfriends.
My turn! This is Tigran, my PA.
Oh! And this is Miss Tigglytopps.
(THEY GASP AND LAUGH) Massive! We are best friends! Aren't we, precious? Well, look, let's, erm Let's all go inside.
Well, I do have a few bags.
Oh, not a problem.
We'll help, won't we? Absolutely! Thank you! - Ahh.
- Aww.
Sweet, sweet bajambas! Here you are.
Welcome, sis.
Oh, wow! Would you look at this? Modest! But I bet to you guys it feels like a palace, am I right? Yes, I'm right! Munchkinland! When I was 18, I dreamed of doing something really good for the world.
But then I realised I was extremely good-looking, so I decided to model.
Modelling! Ooh, I bet that was exciting.
Oh, Lorna, modelling is so superficial.
But you do meet a lot of rich men.
I remember the day that I met Ron, then I found out he was a billionaire, it was love! - Oh.
- Mm! Two weeks later, Whitney Houston was singing at our wedding for crack money! Oh! But enough about me, tell me about you.
Oh! OK, well, I grew up around here and I head up a law firm round here.
Erm, then I changed job, and now I'm at a new place round here.
Doing law.
Erm, yeah.
Isn't it fascinating? Here, my life has been so extraordinary, and you, with half the same genes, are so ordinary! I find that sort of beautiful! Ah, yes! Yeah, I suppose it is, it's sort of beautiful, isn't it? - Yeah! - (DOG BARKS) Don't worry, I'll get her down, she just gets very upset when we fly.
I'll give her some Xanax.
She's all right, isn't she? She seems nice.
(DOG WHIMPERS) Yes, gorgeous.
I know Ron hasn't called us.
But trust me, honey, he would not abandon us like this.
Now, what about your mindfulness? Close your eyes, feel your breath.
Deep breath in (DOG GRUMBLES) Deep breath out.
That's right! Just notice your breath.
Rachel! Talking to your dog there? Oh, yes.
We talk all the time, but usually not in public because when you tell people that your dog is your best friend and most trusted adviser, they think you're kind of crazy! Would you look at you?! You know, I think you have a touch of the family's good looks.
Just a touch, but it's there.
Oh, honey, come on in and tell Aunt Ivy all about the boys.
Erm, well, I'm just focusing on my career at the moment.
I work in charity.
- Oh, I've done charity all my life.
- Yeah? You know, sometimes it's not the system SHE WHISPERS: sometimes they are just lazy.
Are they? Now, you may think this sounds shallow, but it seems to me that you are trying to sell this, when you should be selling THIS! Because this seems like a Grade C commodity, while this, wooh! Solid B.
Great chat, Aunt Ivy.
I'm just going to Come on, Miss Tigglytopps, let's snuggle! Yes, you're a snuggle bunny! - To us.
- To us.
I must say, it is pretty cool to have a sister! I know, look at us! To Daddy.
To Big Jack.
May he be in heaven playing his harp, impregnating all the angels.
You're funny! We should probably get down to business.
Oh, absolutely! What business? You must be wondering why I'm here.
Well you came to see me, I presumed.
Of course, that, mostly that! There is another thing, a little proposition I have for you.
Oh! OK.
I'm listening.
Ken, how do you feel about death? I would say I'm not a fan! Me, too.
Life good, death bad.
- That is my unique take on it.
- Right.
So, what if I were to tell you, you don't have to die? Well, I'd say, "Someone get this woman away from me, she's insane! Ha-ha!" Ken, I'm serious.
Mine and Ron's foundation studies genes in ageing.
Now, our shared father possessed a fascinating genotype.
Our scientists discovered that for people with his genes, there is a chance in time they could wholly eliminate the effects of ageing.
What? So we could live forever? No! You've got me all wrong.
Oh, well, good! I, could live forever.
Me, Ivy Mittelfart.
I could be young and beautiful and alive forever.
All I need from my brand-new brother is the chance to do research on his dead body.
But I'm not dead! Not yet! But I'm saying, I give you a fat load of cash now, and then when you croak, my foundation gets in there and does experiments on your corpse.
Simple! I'm sorry, are you? Are you offering to pay to acquire my flesh? When you're dead.
Jeez! You're making it sound so strange! It IS strange, it's very strange! Anyway, who says I'm going to die first? Oof Oh.
Now, what figure would you put on your corpse? And don't try to stiff me, I'm not paying by the pound.
Wow, you are cold! I'm going to make you an offer, we'll go by the bank in the morning.
I'll pay you in gold, that'll be fun, won't it? Plus, it's good for me, no paper trail.
Well, you don't have to worry about a paper trail, because my answer is no! Ken Thompson's cadaver is not for sale.
Jesus! How much? 200 grand! And Run it by me again, you said It's an insult, thinking she can just turn up here and buy me.
Absolutely, it's terrible.
I mean, you would be dead.
I thought I was going to have a sister, I thought we'd have a relationship.
Well, do you still want a relationship? Not after this! So what's the difference? We'd just have to burn you anyway.
I'm sorry, I hadn't stopped to consider how inconvenient not selling my corpse would be for you.
Ken, think what we could do! We could take a year off, travel, build that conservatory.
You would sell my body for a conservatory? Well Really, Lorn.
You could get a barge.
A barge So glad you saw sense.
Well, you help me out, I help you out, it's just families helping each other out, isn't it? Just admit it, you're greedy for the cash.
Free money, you love it, don't you? No, I just know a good deal when I see one.
I bet I could get you to do anything.
I'll give you ï½£100 if you howl like a wolf.
Well, that shows how much you know.
Keep it.
I'm fine, thanks.
(HE WHISPERS): No, thank you.
And that is my final offer, and it better be one hell of a howl.
Mrs Mittelfart, I have 400,000, in gold, that's two each, I believe.
(PHONE RINGS) Ah, I'm sorry, I should just get this.
(PHONE RINGS) Go on, touch it.
Touch your lovely gold.
(HE WHISPERS): So shiny.
So, I'll fetch the paperwork, you make yourselves comfortable.
So, where are you headed to next? I don't know.
Miami, Monaco, Dubai All of the places for twats.
Oh, please.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - I don't need your approval.
Hello? Hi, David! Right.
Got it.
I'm going.
- Grab the gold.
- What? Grab the gold, man, and hurry! Um (MUSIC: OH YEAH BY YELLO) What the hell is going on? Nothing's going on, it's just that that room was a little claustrophobic.
Get in there.
(HE WHISPERS): What are you doing? OK, just don't overreact.
That was our attorney on the phone, and Ron's been arrested for fraud.
Fraud? What kind of fraud? Some kind of bond scheme he's been running for years involving certain Ponzi-like accumulators.
I just found out about it for the first time.
It was not that long a phone call.
Quiet! They've frozen my assets and I need that cash.
You walk out with the gold, I'll distract them.
Absolutely not! That's theft! No, it's not.
As far as they know, we think the gold's still mine.
And until they now we know it's not, it's all innocent.
I am not walking out of the bank.
They've got metal detectors.
Didn't you take chemistry? SHE WHISPERS: Gold is a non-magnetic metal.
They can detect it! Really? Yeah.
Yeah, I think I do remember that.
Just think of the moolah, brother.
Oh, hi, guys! What's up? You were gone so long, I thought I would just take a look around! Mrs Mittelfart, there's been an irregularity.
Might we step back into my office? It would be my pleasure, sir.
(HE BREATHES HEAVILY) (MUSAK PLAYS) I, erm I was just thinking one day, I'd, erm, I'd really like to go and look for some metal.
You know, with one of those metal detectors? - Yeah.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah.
- Like searching for riches.
Yeah, yeah, like buried treasure, yeah.
But then there'd be no point looking for gold, would there? Cos it's not magnetic, is it? No.
If it's not magnetic, no That makes sense.
OK, so I'd be wasting my time looking for gold, wouldn't I? Oh, God, yeah, wasting your time.
Although, right, they must have found a way of detecting gold.
Do you think? Yeah.
This has been a wonderful conversation.
We should talk again.
I'd like that.
Oh, no, no, thanks.
- Just - No, thanks.
(MUSIC: OH YEAH BY YELLO) Leave any bags here, sir? No, thank you, no bags.
No bags.
Thank you.
Wh-what's going on? - (LOUD SPLATTING) - AHH! OH, GOD! NO! HELP! I thought gold couldn't be detected by these things.
With it not being magnetic.
Well, the machines detect gold.
Because we're a bank.
With loads of gold in.
No, that does make sense.
I wasn't stealing, though.
I genuinely, genuinely thought it was mine.
For some reason, my brother tried to walk out of the bank with some gold.
Yeah, they let him go.
Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? Ah! What am I going to do? I have no money.
I have NO MONEY! Oh, my God.
I am going to have to be ordinary.
Like you.
Waking up in the morning, making breakfast, listening to radio DJs, smiling like it's not the worst thing in the world.
Ken, brother do you think I could stay with you for a few months, just till I get back on my feet? Yeah, that's tempting because, on one hand, you're a vain, fraudulent, rude woman with no interest in me or my family beyond what you can buy, and on the other hand, I find you really annoying.
Oh! No, that is the same hand, isn't it? You could just say no.
Tigran? Shit.
I was never sure about that conservatory anyway.
No? You were sure enough to sell my body for it.
Don't be like that.
Just, if I ever DID lose you, it would be nice to have somewhere to sit.
I'm ready.
I called the Uber, like you said.
So this is goodbye.
OK, toodle-oo.
The FBI will be waiting for me at JFK, so that'll be nice.
Well, enjoy the interrogation, good luck with the waterboarding, it's meant to be horrible.
Just so you know I really did like meeting you all, even though it was for only one night.
Aww, and that ploy failed entirely.
Hey there.
Airport, please.
The airport it is, Ms Mittelfart.
If you're thirsty, there's my self-bottled spring water.
Anything else I can offer, please ask.
And I mean anything.
Well, there she goes.
Hey, I'm glad to see the back of her, frankly.
The last thing we need is another eccentric American creating havoc in our lives.
Come on.
(CAR HORN BEEPS) Huh? Of course.
Kill me.