Cuckoo (2012) s05e02 Episode Script

Ivy Nanny

1 (DOORBELL RINGS) Ben? Well, come in.
Long time, no see! Rach, Ben's here, he's back from China! Ben! Oh! Ahh! Ah! I thought we'd go for a spin.
- We've got a lot of catching up to do! - OK! I'm just China was not like I expected.
Worked for Ling's dad in the Triads, complete horror show.
We fell out, actually.
Is that how you got the scar? Weird story.
Don't like to talk about it.
So, after all this time, here we are.
- I have to say - No, let me go first.
I'm not the Rachel that you knew before.
I really don't think we should be friends again.
- Really? Why? - I don't think it's good for you and - But - I've got things to do, Ben, I've got big things.
And I just - I have not got the time - Rachel I know what you're going to say, I mean, come on, who are we kidding? I've got a girlfriend! What? Her name's Tash, she's amazing.
She's just like you.
Except younger and feistier.
And just full of beans, you know? Sexy beans.
Honestly, I thought I'd be the one who ended up alone.
You're our attorney, you tell me! PHONE: Listen, I'm afraid your accounts are frozen.
What do you mean my accounts are frozen? How unfair! I knew nothing about the fraud! - (HE LAUGHS) - Yeah.
Stop laughing, I am bereft here! My darling husband, my Ron, is on the run from the FBI! - (HE CONTINUES LAUGHING) - This is our last call.
What do you mean this is the last call? I'm good for the money! (DIALLING TONE) God, this can't be happening! Breakfast in bed, m'lady? Oh, how sweet.
Eggs a la Steve Chance.
It's, er, scrambled eggs, avocado, chicken jalfrezi.
Enjoy.
Such English gallantry, I could just eat you up! (HE WHISPERS): Please eat me up.
Goodbye, my hairy little knight.
HE WHISPERS: Ah, I'm going to marry that woman.
Grantley Academy?! Dad, I can't believe you'd even consider it! Don't worry, Rach, I've told him.
My old dad would kill me if we sent Sid to private school.
I mean, look at us, - we've even got a nanny! - Yeah! I'm still a progressive, I listen to The Smiths! I retweet JK Rowling, it's It's just like looking after your own.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
Next thing you know, you've got four million Palestinians under curfew.
Oh, come on, Sid's got brains, real brains! Here, watch this.
Sid When was the Battle of Hastings? Richard III.
No, no, the other one, the other one.
1066! Thank you! Genius in the making.
What is that you're feeding him, Angela? - Heart of chicken.
- Yummy, yummy, chicken heart.
Should we be feeding offal to a four-year-old? My husband eats chicken heart every morning.
He huge killing machine, he kill nine Croats during the war.
Not like you, jelly belly.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I do not like that nanny.
Hello, brother.
Brother of mine! Ivy, what are you doing here? I just thought I'd drop by and say hello! I mean, when was the last time we saw each other? I believe that the last time we saw each other was when you came to my home acting all high and mighty and you tried to buy my dead body! Oh, Kenny, now, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we are family! And somehow we have both found ourselves in this appalling place! And if we are going to get out of here, we need to help each other! This has been my home for 30 years! And maybe together we can change that! Right, get out of it.
Out, out! I've got a four-year-old son and we try and keep him away from evil.
You mean I am unwelcome in my own brother's home? You are most unwelcome, you fraud.
Well, if that's the way it is, I am perfectly fine across the road - at your gallant friend Stuart's.
- Steve's.
No difference.
Goodbye, dear brother! See you never! Sorry, are you busy? No, no, not really.
Cos I just felt compelled to say, you are absolutely fucking gorgeous.
Oh! Wow, right, thank you.
Your looks, yes, but just, like, your style and just, something about you.
I've been sitting there kind of in awe! Oh, well, good opinion! I just thought I'd say because I think so often people can be scared of making each other feel awkward and just chances go by.
Well, I'm flattered, honestly.
And it's not awkward, I promise.
Ooh, well, it's a bit awkward now! Of course! I'll go.
(SINGING IN SHOWER): But you look sweet Upon the seat Of a bicycle made for two.
Shower's free, Lorn! Lorn? Lorn, shower's fre Looorn Shower's free.
Ken?! Shit.
(SHE SCREAMS) Shit, no! No! Shit! Ahhh! Angela! It was a mistake! Angela, I've got a meeting! Why is Angela leaving? No reason.
Not Daddy's fault.
You might have to come to my meeting with me.
No, meetings are boring! Shit! We don't need any stupid brother, do we, Miss Tiggly Tops? People think because I'm privileged that I can't take care of myself.
Gah What is the liquid stuff that goes in coffee? Sid, don't touch anything! Well, I never! You are not welcome in my house, either.
- Hear me out.
- OK.
OK.
- What? - Ivy, sister Remember what I was saying about us not being able to hang out? You were inhumanly cruel.
I was, I was cruel.
But I've been thinking, what would be the next best thing to hanging out with me? Why hanging out with my adorable son? His nanny's had to go, personal emergency.
Really? Wouldn't have anything to do with you rushing out in the drive - in your bathrobe just now, would it? - No.
I mistook her for my wife.
They've got very similar hair! Of course they do.
Brother, I shall look after your child.
- But in return - Here we go.
you have to be nice to me.
These are trying times, and I need my family! You and Lorn and Daniel and I want to say Abigail.
Incredibly wrong.
But fine, you look after the kid for the day and I promise we will all begin to like you.
Despite your appalling personality.
That is all I ask.
- Hugs? - Not yet.
Hugs can wait.
Sidney, where are you? It's your aunt Ivy to the rescue! Oh! Ohh! So when do I milk it? Him? You don't milk him, he's a human child! Obviously, I mean, when do I give it its milk.
He's four! Four? Shouldn't he be taller? Rich kids are taller.
What's this? Oh, it's a brochure for a private school, it's for Sid.
Private school? Oh, that's wonderful! British private schools are the best! All those owls and gowns, so cute! Right, well, it's not happening, Lorna doesn't approve, so you may as well chuck it.
I see.
Well, before I chuck it, how about I just roll it up real tight.
That way it's nice and compact and you can fit it neatly up your pretty little vagina! Excuse me? Ken, you're going to let your wife stop you from educating your son? Well, sort of OUR son.
I see now.
No wonder all your children are failures, no wonder you're making passes at the nanny.
There is no male leadership in this house.
Oh, still here? I left some paperwork What's she doing here? Who? Oh, Ivy! Ivy's here because Angela left.
What? Why did Angela leave? She left because Sid kicked her in the face.
- What? - What? - Mm.
That is true, actually.
It was one of Dale's karate kicks, it was Oh, her nose was bleeding and her eye was just Eye was all swollen, and she came to me and she was like - I'm leaving! - My nose, it broken! - Yeah.
Mm! - It broken.
- I'm going! - He is psychopath! Yep, and Ken called me.
Yeah, and Ivy stepped up and here we are.
- Here we are! - Here we are.
Sid kicked the nanny in the face? He did.
Lorna, I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with him.
Oh, dear God.
- I'm going to call Angela.
- No! No, no.
You go back to work.
You let me deal with it, I'm on top of the details.
OK, then, fine.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Sidney Thompson, you come here.
We are going to have very strict words tonight, young man, come with me.
Yeah.
Y-you're damn right! You need to pull your act together, sunshine! Did you feel that lie?! That was some real brother-sister synergy there! Ah! You're welcome.
I just framed my son! He's four and hadn't been framed yet, it needed to happen.
Eee! Ooh! Dig it! Rach, you're my best friend and Tash is my girlfriend, you HAVE to meet! No, Ben, I've just got a lot on at work.
Well, I've booked a booth for seven.
O'clock, not people! Rach, you are going to love her, she's just like you! Well, no, that's not quite right.
Imagine what you wished you were like at 24, that's what she's like! How did you get in the house? Hey, there! I'm looking after your brother for the day, because that's what families do! OK.
Should Sid be riding your dog? Huh? Who's on the phone? It's my friend Ben.
Your ex.
Tell Aunt Ivy.
Oh, no, there's nothing to tell.
It's just he's desperate for me to meet his girlfriend, God knows why.
And you're madly jealous and you want him back bad! No, that's not what's happening.
No, it is.
You may not think it is, but it is.
That's why Aunt Ivy is going to give you a complete makeover, and boy, you need it.
I think I'm going to go to my room.
I did not enjoy this conversation.
Whoop-de-doo, Honey Tits! Not my name.
Angela, hi, how are you? Ken.
Listen.
I brought you some flowers to say sorry.
Peonies.
Now look, I know you must think I'm some sort of lunatic.
I not think you lunatic.
Good, good.
Cos what happened back there is entirely explainable.
I know.
It's passion and sexy longings.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, you see, I thought you were Lorna.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, Ken! I cannot bear another minute! Angela! I ran this morning because I scared of what we do.
The chemistry between us has been unbearable since first day! What?! You were always horrible to me! As defence.
And now you're coming here with ridiculous story about how you mistake me for your wife.
You feel it, too.
Of course.
I am beautiful woman and you, gorilla, with irresistible stomach, like lovely mountain.
What are you doing? You're right, we are both married, I need to stop working for you, and we must keep this a secret from our spouses.
What?! Angela, there's nothing to keep secret! You don't want me to keep secret you come at me in nudie from behind and grabbed on my tush? Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, keep that secret, obviously.
I am so confusing! Big, sexy asshole! I didn't do it, I didn't! Do not give me that, Sidney Thompson, now sit! - No! - Yes! Until you admit what you did, you sit on the naughty floor.
Sit on the naughty floor! Bloody bungalow! Little brat, he's still claiming he didn't do it.
Do you think maybe he's suffered enough now, though? Oh, no, no.
We're not going soft on him.
I texted Angela, no reply.
We need to vet his toys.
No more guns, Sid.
No more lightsaber.
The lightsaber is a tool of peace! I didn't do it! They've got them on the dark side, too, Sid.
Ah, you're still here.
Well, when Lorna came home she was so busy busting your son's ass, I just thought I'd hang out and drink! God, what sort of father am I, letting my son take the blame for my mistakes? Oh, come on, Sid'll forget it like that.
I mean, sure, it'll probably emerge as late-life neurosis, but that ain't your problem, am I right? Anyways see you tomorrow, I guess! I'm really liking being a nanny, finally getting to know my new fam! Why is Simon sitting on the floor? Look at you, drunk, demonic Mary Poppins.
(SHE SNORES) (HE WHISPERS): Sorry, Sid.
Sid went to bed crying he didn't do it.
Breaks my heart.
Poor Sid.
But we can't let that go.
Look, Lorna, there's something I need to say.
You were right, something more disciplined would suit him.
If he has got a problem, let's give Grantley Academy a call.
What, really? Because he took out the nanny.
We're still progressives, though.
Sorry, what was it you wanted to say, love? Oh, nothing, no.
We're still progressives, that's the important take-home message here.
- Goodnight.
- Night, love.
(PHONE CHIMES) You know Angela's husband, what's his name? Erm, something Eastern European? Goran? He, erm - He fought in the Balkans, didn't he? - Yeah.
Yeah, for years, apparently.
(PHONE CHIMES) (PHONE VIBRATES) - You not going to answer that? - Nah.
(PHONE CHIMES) (HE WHISPERS): Shit.
Ben Ah, Rachel, great to see you! - Hi! - Hi! Er, sorry about that, it's a - China thing.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Tash was just having a ciggie outside, so - OK.
- Er Oh, my God, it's you! Oh, hey! Erm, look, I'm just having a drink with a mate, so I can't really talk.
Sorry! Rach, this is Tash! Oh! Sorry, it's just, erm, we met earlier! Oh! Ben has been going on and on about you ever since we met! Oh! You're the one that got away! No! - Ben, would you grab us a drink? - Sure, sure.
You two are going to get on so well! - Wow! - Wow! OK! Your margarita, Auntie.
Oh, Ken, I am madly in love with him! (PHONE CHIMES) In the business world, you're going to be a ruthless predator, - aren't you, Sid? - (DOG GROWLS) Oh, hello, Ken.
Don't mind me, just relaxing.
Miss Tiggly Tops has taken a bit of a dislike to Steve, it's best he just submits.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, God.
What's that? Oh, Goran's coming over! Fun! Shit! I think this Goran may have killed people in the army.
Relax, Ken.
He's Latin, they get fired up over nothing! - He's Balkan.
- They kill people.
Hear that? There's a car in the drive.
(DOG BARKS) Well, what's he like? One big ball of muscle.
- Huge! - Huge.
- Killing machine! Shame guns are illegal in this country.
This guy's - going to take some taking down.
- Oh, God, oh, God! - (BANG ON DOOR AND RINGS DOORBELL) - Shit, shit, shit.
Right, everybody hide! Shit! Well, that is unmanly.
Come on, Sid, honey, we're going to take you back here so we don't see any blood! (BANGING ON DOOR) Get out there! No! We can just lie low until he's gone! (DOORBELL RINGS) Then Lorna comes home and hears Goran's side of the story.
And - (BANGING ON DOOR) - Bollocks! Right, OK, all right.
I'm going to have to get out of this using the old Thompson silver tongue.
That's it! (BANGING ON DOOR) OK, mate, look Mr Thompson, I need speak with you! Oh, my God! Why they laughing? It's all right, they just were winding me up saying I was going to have to fight you, so You should be worried! I deck your big ass right in! He's tiny! What is it about short men? Short?! I am of average height! I know that you're angry, OK.
But I think there's just been a little misunderstanding, eh? No misunderstanding.
You come onto my wife and then you gave her penis - God! - Peonies, the flower! You gave my wife penis! I think you need to calm down.
Ow! Oh, my God! Oh! What the What the Fuck?! (THEY BOTH SHOUT) - Soto makikomi, Ken.
- What? Use the soto makikomi! I don't know what that is! I don't know what that is! Leave me alone! - Now - (HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE) What the f Oh! Fucking hell! (CRASH) Fuck.
What's wrong with him? You fell on him, Ken! - Oh! - He's dead.
What?! Oh, my God! Hang on, have you taken his pulse? No, I work off gut instinct.
I could check his pulse if you like? - Would you? - Yeah, sure.
Yeah, strong pulse, this human is alive.
But he's unconscious.
- Let's get him to the hospital.
- Yes.
There's Lorna.
Shit! Welcome home, my love! Ken, this is a very eager greeting! Well, I don't want to waste a second because I have booked a table for us at Ba-ba-ba! Carluccio's! Date night! Ivy and Steve are going to look after Sid, isn't it wonderful? Let's get going.
Ken, just let me take the weight off my feet a minute.
You can take the weight off your feet at the restaurant! All right, you two! - Hi, Lorna.
- Hi, Lorna.
How's how was the thing? Why aren't you sitting down? - Oh, sitting's - Pssh.
- Lorna, come on, the restaurant! - Oh, Ken, what are you like? If you love the restaurant so much, why don't you marry it? Marry the restaurant, Ken! Fuck off, Steve.
(GORAN GROANS) (HE YAWNS LOUDLY AND GORAN GROANS) What's going on? (HE YAWNS LOUDLY AND GORAN GROANS) What? Hungry! Oh, my A random man from the street! No, that's Goran, Angela's husband! Goran - why are you here? - What what happen? - What's he doing here? - I don't know, come on! Did you see him come in? Goran! - Oh, Goran Yes, now - Ah, ah, hmm.
He came round Yeah, to pick up some stuff of Angela's.
It was, um, a cashmere Cardigan, she left on (BOTH): The radiator in the kitchen.
He looks dazed.
Ken, make him a cup of tea! - But Carluccio's! - No, tea.
Maybe he can persuade Angela to come back, problem solved! That's a good idea, tea.
How's how's Angela, Goran? How's the head? It hurts so much, he's so heavy! Yes, he's a big lad, he's the tallest in the nursery.
What?! Maybe you could have a word with Angela for us? Angela? Angela? Angela, he I think Goran is very sick.
- Feel his forehead! - Oh, burning.
You are going to hospital, young man.
- Come on, let's get him to hospital.
- Come on.
- Angela - Here we go.
Angela, he He he Goran, before you go, I just Lorna, let the man get to hospital.
All right.
Before you go, I do want to apologise, about Angela.
Huh? Why you impologise, it was him! I know, he feels bad about it, but he's been having some problems lately.
He's never hit anyone before.
Well, he's hit a few children, obviously.
Seriously?! He is the terrible human being! Goran, you've gone too far, you're going to have to leave! He is bad.
Very bad.
And annoy-ning! And he has bad clothes! And a silly face! Oh, how rude! - I know.
Rude, rude man! - Yes! The bloody fantasist! Sid, come here, don't you listen to a thing of that.
You're fine.
Ohh, I'm a bad person.
Aww, there, there, it's OK to be a little bad.
Ohh! Look what we picked up after nursery! Yep, sold out all my principles, but nice material.
Come on, love.
(HE WHISPERS): I feel so guilty.
Oh, Kenny, you wanted something and you got it.
How often does that happen? Not that often, actually.
It's going to happen a lot more now that I'm here.
Oh Are you going to make me evil? Feels great, doesn't it? And the best part is, no-one's ever going to know.
Unless you're mean to me, and then I'll tell immediately.
I've got your balls in a vice.
In a sisterly way.
Daddy, Daddy, look what I drawed today! Oh, well, well done! Would you look at that? - Burn it? - Burn it.
It's OK.