Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s01e01 Episode Script
Law
Booyakasha! America has h'invented some of the bestest things in the world: McDonald's, gangsta rap, spaghetti and swimming.
I like swimming.
But your country's got problems too.
There's been nuff sadness since the terrible events of 7/11.
And there is still racialism, even to the native people, You know what is they called, the Them ones.
How come you never see them in prominent jobs? Apart from that bloke in the Village People, And even , he can't go out without a policeman, a fireman and someone from the Navy to protect him.
So the purpose of this show is to h'educate, to motivate and to ate.
This week's subject is the law.
Where is we going to now? We're going to Valer Hall, where we'll meet Sergeant Hyers who'll take us through some of the recruit scenario training.
What's going to happen today is you're going to participate in some Philadelphia police recruit training.
- Wicked, man.
- We'll do some scenarios in which the officers will respond to some incidents.
You're gonna be 2310 car.
And any time you hear 2310 on the radio, you'll push this side button and say, "2310.
" This is Officer Brinkman.
- Your new partner.
- Yo, respec'.
Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop and I is bad cop? - You're - Who's the good cop? It's not We're handling a situation.
- Yo, yo, yo.
- '2310 car.
' - There you go, 2310.
- Yo, this be me, the main man, 2310, with my man, Brinkman.
Take 8501 State Road and meet the complainant - for a report of a burglary.
- No doubt.
- Know what a burglary is? - For real, I has done a couple.
- You go in first.
- Put it down.
We don't need it.
- I'll give you cover.
- All right.
Yo, we is here looking for a burglary.
- This is my partner.
- Yo.
- What's missing? - You his partner? - Yes, I am.
- 13-inch colour television.
How do we know you're lying? How do we know there was a telly? What was you watching? - That's good.
- He wasn't here when it happened.
- So he claim.
- Phone number real quick.
Oi, that ain't the time to get her number, man.
If you have any more questions, just give me a call.
He's crap.
Yo, this be 2310.
We be back on the road after my man Brinkman finally finished his shit.
- OK, no profanity here.
- Sorry about that.
Yo! Gonna put on the siren.
Got the siren on.
- No, don't put that out the window.
- What happens if they see us? - Keep it down, you have to keep it down.
- All right, so they don't know.
- You can take this when we get out.
- Wicked.
- Yo, what's the matter with you? - Some guys jumped us, they beat us up.
You have to put this out.
Look, look - Three men - Yo, three men.
One black male, one white male.
2310, there's three men.
One brother, one honky, and one - What's the "S"? - Spanish.
One Spanish.
We refer to the person as a white male.
- Not as a honky.
- Why not? A honky in the United States is not a nice term for a male.
- For a for a white person.
- Why not? It's like an ethnic slur.
But they say you can be a honky but still be hung like a donkey.
- Possibly.
- 2310 car.
They is callin'our name on the thing.
Yo, this be 2310.
You suppose to be at the cone shack in the middle of the driving course.
- The cone shack? - There's been a burglary.
- We can't just go up and start shoot.
- For real.
- That's him.
Is that the geezer? - Tell him to stop.
- Yo, stop it! - Keep your distance! - Stop it, motherfucker! Keep your distance! Don't move.
You is fucking with the wrong cop.
- What's going on? - You like the taste of steel? Keep your distance.
Keep your distance.
Look, this is what we do on a "man with a gun" call.
- Wicked.
- OK, there he goes.
- Tell him to put his hands up.
- Yo! Yo, mofo.
Put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us.
- Tell him you see the gun.
- I can see the motherfuckin'gun.
Put them up.
You can't curse.
You can't curse.
- You can't curse.
- Tell him to put his face on the ground.
Yo, stick your head in that ground and eat the dirt.
Now put that down.
OK, walk around him.
Put your right hand up, sir.
- What's he got? - Get a hand free, take the gun.
- Where's the gun? - Where did we see it? - Put your gun away.
- Put it away.
- Don't point it at him.
- It's fake.
He's got a fake gun.
- That's fine.
- He's got a fake gun.
Still do your job.
- You tried this with a fake? - He might have another.
- He might have another gun.
- You thought that was funny? You picked the wrong cop to fuck around with, slimeball.
We don't talk like that here.
Search him!Come on.
You wanna be a cop or not? - I don't like touching blokes.
- Let's go.
- Look, you want to be a police officer? - Blokes, blokes.
What's a bloke, man? Did I ask for to have a chat with you? - Let's do the search! - Let's go.
A crowd's starting to form, let's get out of here.
You don't need your gun.
What do you need that for? - What's that for? - I don't wanna touch.
Do you wanna be a cop or not? You came here saying, "I wanna be a cop.
" - Look what we've got here.
- What have you got? - Where's this from? - OK, he's got money.
- Not in your pocket! - Why not? - He'll say you stole it.
- He probably nicked it.
He's handcuffed.
Put it back in his pocket.
Did you get that money from someone? - It's my money, man.
- Put the gun away! Come on.
Come on! There, take your hand.
You gotta touch! There you go.
- That's what we do! - That is disgusting! That was Cop 101 at the Philadelphia Police Academy.
What you thinks? - Do you think I Could make a good cop? - Probably not.
Yekshemesh.
In the US and A, if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide.
Before American woman will allow you in her vagine you must do something called dating.
- My name is Jenny.
- Hello, Jenny, nice to to meet you.
Thank you for coming in today to see if Great Expectations is right for you.
What would you like to see happen if you met your ideal woman? I will love her.
We will be as one.
- So, are - I will give her television, remote control, a red dress, I hope will fit her.
You have a good life and back home you can provide for her? But if she cheat on me - Why you laugh? - I think that's sweet.
Keep going.
But if she cheat on me, I will crush her.
You will crush her? Honey, that's not a quality for our membership if you're prepared to crush a woman.
You can break up with her and divorce her but you cannot No crushing.
Why don't you give me a little bit on on personality traits you're looking for? I want her to be blonde, I want her to have no history of retardation in family.
If possible, she must have plough experience.
You're not gonna find Americans with plough experience.
Us American women, we don't have plough experience.
But not not much, maybe one year or Honey, I have zero plough experience.
And she must have a good physique.
And she must be tight, like a man's anus.
Attractive.
What about race? - You're open to all races? - Yes, but no Jew.
No Jewish.
All right, tell me what you enjoy, your interests.
I like play table tennis.
I like shoot dog.
- I like - Snoop Dogg? Shoot dog.
Shoot.
Should I tell people that I am good at sex? - No.
- But I am - You don't want to say that - I'm more good than many men.
In America, if you say that on your profile, a woman won't go out with you - she thinks that's all you want.
Even though I am big, like a can of Pepsi? It doesn't matter.
Women in America feel that any act of sex, be it oral, - What does it mean, oral? - Mouth.
- I like it in the mouth very much.
- But that's what we're talking about.
Women in America feel that any sex with somebody else, even if it's using your body, your sexual organs, - your mouth, your hand - I like mouth.
We think that's cheating.
Do I need to bring a gift? Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America, they bring too many gifts.
What size gift will get me entry - to her? - What do you mean by "entry"? To her her vagine.
If you want to go to bed with her? Well, I can't say.
Everybody's different.
How do I show her I have a senses of humour? - You have to practise it first.
- Yes.
I have a joke.
There is a chair The chair walk with the shoes He walk on the street.
- The chair is walking! - Right.
What a funny image.
It is nice.
- I really should tell this joke? - Probably not.
My name is Borat.
- Your name please? - Guinevere.
Should I tell her she reminds me of my wife? - Do you have a wife? - She is dead.
Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody who's dead.
- You know what I'm saying? - I do not care about her.
She is gone.
Once a person's dead, you should really put it aside.
I know.
You'd probably look for some of the same qualities you're atractive to in your wife.
- No.
- Same qualities that you like, if there were some things you liked about your wife.
Did you like some things about your wife? You remind me my wife.
My first My older wife.
- Your previous wife? - Yes.
Why you laugh? She dead.
I'm sorry.
What should I talk about with her? Talk about the environment you're in, talk about what she does for a living and about her.
I have now been, one week without any sexy intercourse.
My is My My sac is heavy.
How old is your child? How do I find if she will be a cheat? Or anything negative? - Yes, but - Cheat and take money from you? Not a criminal, a woman who go with another man and Screw around on you.
That's why you need to date her before you get married.
You will come back my country, I will look after you, I will give you money, I will give you automobile car, a television, remote control.
We'll be together.
But if you cheat on me, I will crush you.
I don't like that either.
I don't like men that cheat on me.
How do I know if she want me to take her - Go to bed with her? - Sexy time.
If she wants you to go to bed with her? How do you know that? When you kiss each other.
If you're kissing and petting, then it just sort of goes naturally.
When do we have sexy intercourse? Whenever you both agree on that.
No, when do me and you have a sexy intercourse? Me and you? - That's not gonna happen.
- Do you wish me success tonight? I wish you success in the future with dating and relationships.
- And I wish you the best.
- Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Booyakasha.
Check it out.
I is here with none other than my main man, Buzz Aldrin.
I know this is a sensitive question but what was it like not being the first man on the moon, was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong? It was Neil Armstrong and no, I was not jealous.
- he was a very, very qualified person? - Well, whatever.
When you arrived on the moon, was the people who lived there friendly or was they scared of you? There was absolutely no thought of encountering any living being whatsoever.
Do you think man will ever walk on the sun? The sun is too hot, it is not a good place to go to.
What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold? The sun is not cold in the winter.
Me know you has been asked this a zillion times, it must really get on your tits, but let's just sort it out - what do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say, "Does the moon really exist?" I don't think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists.
- It exists - What? You has heard it here.
It does exist.
So all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong.
The moon does exist.
- And we went there.
- Yo, listen up.
But how do they really know what is exists and what is the conspiracy things? Cause I has seen a picture of J-Lo with two massive geezers'dongs there and apparently it weren't true.
I haven't seen those pictures.
You should check them out, it's amazing.
Is you upset that Michael Jackson got all the credit for inventing the moonwalk but you was the first geezer ever to actually do it? You can call things by different names and you can use the moon or Mars or Venus and you can say, "This is the Venus Trot.
" But that doesn't mean that it has any connection to what it would be like for a horse moving on Venus.
The horse could trot on Venus, right? - Except it's very hot.
- There's horse? - There's horse on Venus? - No, no.
I'm just Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon.
Has got a joke about space, do you wanna hear it? There is a monster from outer space who is going on a trip round the universe and he goes to the travel booker to book like a hotel on the moon and the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel "cos the moon is full.
- That's pretty good.
- That is That is so wicked! That's wicked.
And the opposite of the moon being full is - Is empty - The new moon.
- What? - That's when it's dark.
I thought it was funny cos he's full - I know.
- He's been eating stuff and he's well full and everything.
No, the hotel is full.
But it's Why is it funny cos the hotel is full? I wasn't sure that it was funny, you said it was funny.
- Why is it funny again? - Things are funny or comedic because they mix the real with the absurd.
- No doubt.
- You took the moon, which is real, and the term "full" - Full.
- And you Full.
You applied that to either the hotel being full or the person being full and that's an absurd condition.
And that's what makes something funny, where you mix the absurd with the real.
Wicked.
So listen up.
You has'eard about the moon and about space.
You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.
So you better realise that these things is important.
Big up yourself, Keep it real.
Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.
OK, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.
He is the god of seating plans, choosing which celebrity goes with who.
- Is that right? - Let's see I'm judge and jury and it's our job to put the right people in the right seats.
- So what is Paul Wilmot? - Well, I mean I've years of experience in the fashion business.
For about 7 years I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein For the all world.
Let's talk about who is in and who is out in celebrities If they are in, we go, "Vassup.
" You go, "Vassup.
" And if they are out you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that.
Ja? I'll ask the names.
So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so".
- Jennifer Lopez.
- What's up.
Double what's up! - She's fabulous - "Vassup".
- She's a double.
- What about Debbie Harry? "Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"? Debbie Harry's having a second moment.
And maybe one year ago it was "Ich don't think so", now she has a chance to be "vassup".
Like Marianne Faithful is having a "vassup" moment too.
- Was she "Ich don't think so"? - Absolutely, for 20 years.
- She was "Ich don't think so"? - Yes, for 20 years.
Now, "vassup".
Who else is "Ich don't think so" at the moment? I mean Celine Dion.
"Ich don't think so".
I mean, you know, let's face it.
In fact she's even talk about doing a clothing line: "Ich don't think so.
" If you want to make sure the show is classy, you make sure you do not have which celebrities? Again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her Barbra Streisand would go to the opening of the Frankfurt Allgemeine Zeitunggeschaft! We're doing a charity as well, we're doing a lot of thing with these deaf children which we're getting behind now, teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex.
You can give them a message? I mean No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you.
Just do something for them about safe sex, how to keep safe sex.
- Just be - But not with words, don't Say no.
Be careful.
Just be careful.
- You can do But no words.
- Be careful.
Be careful.
- Don't do it.
Be careful.
- Cool.
Do you need any more models? Cos I am Chrysler's muse in Austria.
Seriously, We don't need any male models, we have about 40.
Do you need another model, would you like me to do? II demande si Il veut savoir s'il peut faire le mannequin.
I am Chrysler's You know the designer? I am his muse.
C'est la muse de Chrysler.
Il veut savoir si Il faut aller demander à Lloyd.
Ask him to Lloyd Klein, he's over there.
I just wanted to say, if you want, I'm here.
You know who I am? - I'm Bruno.
Chrysler's muse.
- Yes.
- The designer Chrysler? - Oui.
- And you're? - I'm his muse.
- Great.
- I'm here if you want.
I have all the male models, they're here.
But if you want, I don't mind.
- I won't charge you anything.
- Great.
- You want? - For the moment it's OK.
I'm doing the bit with the underpants.
- Can I borrow yours? - Like right now? - For the end.
Great.
- Sure.
- You wanna wear them? - Yeah, for the finale.
I need to wear them for the final.
I like swimming.
But your country's got problems too.
There's been nuff sadness since the terrible events of 7/11.
And there is still racialism, even to the native people, You know what is they called, the Them ones.
How come you never see them in prominent jobs? Apart from that bloke in the Village People, And even , he can't go out without a policeman, a fireman and someone from the Navy to protect him.
So the purpose of this show is to h'educate, to motivate and to ate.
This week's subject is the law.
Where is we going to now? We're going to Valer Hall, where we'll meet Sergeant Hyers who'll take us through some of the recruit scenario training.
What's going to happen today is you're going to participate in some Philadelphia police recruit training.
- Wicked, man.
- We'll do some scenarios in which the officers will respond to some incidents.
You're gonna be 2310 car.
And any time you hear 2310 on the radio, you'll push this side button and say, "2310.
" This is Officer Brinkman.
- Your new partner.
- Yo, respec'.
Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop and I is bad cop? - You're - Who's the good cop? It's not We're handling a situation.
- Yo, yo, yo.
- '2310 car.
' - There you go, 2310.
- Yo, this be me, the main man, 2310, with my man, Brinkman.
Take 8501 State Road and meet the complainant - for a report of a burglary.
- No doubt.
- Know what a burglary is? - For real, I has done a couple.
- You go in first.
- Put it down.
We don't need it.
- I'll give you cover.
- All right.
Yo, we is here looking for a burglary.
- This is my partner.
- Yo.
- What's missing? - You his partner? - Yes, I am.
- 13-inch colour television.
How do we know you're lying? How do we know there was a telly? What was you watching? - That's good.
- He wasn't here when it happened.
- So he claim.
- Phone number real quick.
Oi, that ain't the time to get her number, man.
If you have any more questions, just give me a call.
He's crap.
Yo, this be 2310.
We be back on the road after my man Brinkman finally finished his shit.
- OK, no profanity here.
- Sorry about that.
Yo! Gonna put on the siren.
Got the siren on.
- No, don't put that out the window.
- What happens if they see us? - Keep it down, you have to keep it down.
- All right, so they don't know.
- You can take this when we get out.
- Wicked.
- Yo, what's the matter with you? - Some guys jumped us, they beat us up.
You have to put this out.
Look, look - Three men - Yo, three men.
One black male, one white male.
2310, there's three men.
One brother, one honky, and one - What's the "S"? - Spanish.
One Spanish.
We refer to the person as a white male.
- Not as a honky.
- Why not? A honky in the United States is not a nice term for a male.
- For a for a white person.
- Why not? It's like an ethnic slur.
But they say you can be a honky but still be hung like a donkey.
- Possibly.
- 2310 car.
They is callin'our name on the thing.
Yo, this be 2310.
You suppose to be at the cone shack in the middle of the driving course.
- The cone shack? - There's been a burglary.
- We can't just go up and start shoot.
- For real.
- That's him.
Is that the geezer? - Tell him to stop.
- Yo, stop it! - Keep your distance! - Stop it, motherfucker! Keep your distance! Don't move.
You is fucking with the wrong cop.
- What's going on? - You like the taste of steel? Keep your distance.
Keep your distance.
Look, this is what we do on a "man with a gun" call.
- Wicked.
- OK, there he goes.
- Tell him to put his hands up.
- Yo! Yo, mofo.
Put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us.
- Tell him you see the gun.
- I can see the motherfuckin'gun.
Put them up.
You can't curse.
You can't curse.
- You can't curse.
- Tell him to put his face on the ground.
Yo, stick your head in that ground and eat the dirt.
Now put that down.
OK, walk around him.
Put your right hand up, sir.
- What's he got? - Get a hand free, take the gun.
- Where's the gun? - Where did we see it? - Put your gun away.
- Put it away.
- Don't point it at him.
- It's fake.
He's got a fake gun.
- That's fine.
- He's got a fake gun.
Still do your job.
- You tried this with a fake? - He might have another.
- He might have another gun.
- You thought that was funny? You picked the wrong cop to fuck around with, slimeball.
We don't talk like that here.
Search him!Come on.
You wanna be a cop or not? - I don't like touching blokes.
- Let's go.
- Look, you want to be a police officer? - Blokes, blokes.
What's a bloke, man? Did I ask for to have a chat with you? - Let's do the search! - Let's go.
A crowd's starting to form, let's get out of here.
You don't need your gun.
What do you need that for? - What's that for? - I don't wanna touch.
Do you wanna be a cop or not? You came here saying, "I wanna be a cop.
" - Look what we've got here.
- What have you got? - Where's this from? - OK, he's got money.
- Not in your pocket! - Why not? - He'll say you stole it.
- He probably nicked it.
He's handcuffed.
Put it back in his pocket.
Did you get that money from someone? - It's my money, man.
- Put the gun away! Come on.
Come on! There, take your hand.
You gotta touch! There you go.
- That's what we do! - That is disgusting! That was Cop 101 at the Philadelphia Police Academy.
What you thinks? - Do you think I Could make a good cop? - Probably not.
Yekshemesh.
In the US and A, if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide.
Before American woman will allow you in her vagine you must do something called dating.
- My name is Jenny.
- Hello, Jenny, nice to to meet you.
Thank you for coming in today to see if Great Expectations is right for you.
What would you like to see happen if you met your ideal woman? I will love her.
We will be as one.
- So, are - I will give her television, remote control, a red dress, I hope will fit her.
You have a good life and back home you can provide for her? But if she cheat on me - Why you laugh? - I think that's sweet.
Keep going.
But if she cheat on me, I will crush her.
You will crush her? Honey, that's not a quality for our membership if you're prepared to crush a woman.
You can break up with her and divorce her but you cannot No crushing.
Why don't you give me a little bit on on personality traits you're looking for? I want her to be blonde, I want her to have no history of retardation in family.
If possible, she must have plough experience.
You're not gonna find Americans with plough experience.
Us American women, we don't have plough experience.
But not not much, maybe one year or Honey, I have zero plough experience.
And she must have a good physique.
And she must be tight, like a man's anus.
Attractive.
What about race? - You're open to all races? - Yes, but no Jew.
No Jewish.
All right, tell me what you enjoy, your interests.
I like play table tennis.
I like shoot dog.
- I like - Snoop Dogg? Shoot dog.
Shoot.
Should I tell people that I am good at sex? - No.
- But I am - You don't want to say that - I'm more good than many men.
In America, if you say that on your profile, a woman won't go out with you - she thinks that's all you want.
Even though I am big, like a can of Pepsi? It doesn't matter.
Women in America feel that any act of sex, be it oral, - What does it mean, oral? - Mouth.
- I like it in the mouth very much.
- But that's what we're talking about.
Women in America feel that any sex with somebody else, even if it's using your body, your sexual organs, - your mouth, your hand - I like mouth.
We think that's cheating.
Do I need to bring a gift? Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America, they bring too many gifts.
What size gift will get me entry - to her? - What do you mean by "entry"? To her her vagine.
If you want to go to bed with her? Well, I can't say.
Everybody's different.
How do I show her I have a senses of humour? - You have to practise it first.
- Yes.
I have a joke.
There is a chair The chair walk with the shoes He walk on the street.
- The chair is walking! - Right.
What a funny image.
It is nice.
- I really should tell this joke? - Probably not.
My name is Borat.
- Your name please? - Guinevere.
Should I tell her she reminds me of my wife? - Do you have a wife? - She is dead.
Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody who's dead.
- You know what I'm saying? - I do not care about her.
She is gone.
Once a person's dead, you should really put it aside.
I know.
You'd probably look for some of the same qualities you're atractive to in your wife.
- No.
- Same qualities that you like, if there were some things you liked about your wife.
Did you like some things about your wife? You remind me my wife.
My first My older wife.
- Your previous wife? - Yes.
Why you laugh? She dead.
I'm sorry.
What should I talk about with her? Talk about the environment you're in, talk about what she does for a living and about her.
I have now been, one week without any sexy intercourse.
My is My My sac is heavy.
How old is your child? How do I find if she will be a cheat? Or anything negative? - Yes, but - Cheat and take money from you? Not a criminal, a woman who go with another man and Screw around on you.
That's why you need to date her before you get married.
You will come back my country, I will look after you, I will give you money, I will give you automobile car, a television, remote control.
We'll be together.
But if you cheat on me, I will crush you.
I don't like that either.
I don't like men that cheat on me.
How do I know if she want me to take her - Go to bed with her? - Sexy time.
If she wants you to go to bed with her? How do you know that? When you kiss each other.
If you're kissing and petting, then it just sort of goes naturally.
When do we have sexy intercourse? Whenever you both agree on that.
No, when do me and you have a sexy intercourse? Me and you? - That's not gonna happen.
- Do you wish me success tonight? I wish you success in the future with dating and relationships.
- And I wish you the best.
- Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Booyakasha.
Check it out.
I is here with none other than my main man, Buzz Aldrin.
I know this is a sensitive question but what was it like not being the first man on the moon, was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong? It was Neil Armstrong and no, I was not jealous.
- he was a very, very qualified person? - Well, whatever.
When you arrived on the moon, was the people who lived there friendly or was they scared of you? There was absolutely no thought of encountering any living being whatsoever.
Do you think man will ever walk on the sun? The sun is too hot, it is not a good place to go to.
What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold? The sun is not cold in the winter.
Me know you has been asked this a zillion times, it must really get on your tits, but let's just sort it out - what do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say, "Does the moon really exist?" I don't think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists.
- It exists - What? You has heard it here.
It does exist.
So all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong.
The moon does exist.
- And we went there.
- Yo, listen up.
But how do they really know what is exists and what is the conspiracy things? Cause I has seen a picture of J-Lo with two massive geezers'dongs there and apparently it weren't true.
I haven't seen those pictures.
You should check them out, it's amazing.
Is you upset that Michael Jackson got all the credit for inventing the moonwalk but you was the first geezer ever to actually do it? You can call things by different names and you can use the moon or Mars or Venus and you can say, "This is the Venus Trot.
" But that doesn't mean that it has any connection to what it would be like for a horse moving on Venus.
The horse could trot on Venus, right? - Except it's very hot.
- There's horse? - There's horse on Venus? - No, no.
I'm just Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon.
Has got a joke about space, do you wanna hear it? There is a monster from outer space who is going on a trip round the universe and he goes to the travel booker to book like a hotel on the moon and the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel "cos the moon is full.
- That's pretty good.
- That is That is so wicked! That's wicked.
And the opposite of the moon being full is - Is empty - The new moon.
- What? - That's when it's dark.
I thought it was funny cos he's full - I know.
- He's been eating stuff and he's well full and everything.
No, the hotel is full.
But it's Why is it funny cos the hotel is full? I wasn't sure that it was funny, you said it was funny.
- Why is it funny again? - Things are funny or comedic because they mix the real with the absurd.
- No doubt.
- You took the moon, which is real, and the term "full" - Full.
- And you Full.
You applied that to either the hotel being full or the person being full and that's an absurd condition.
And that's what makes something funny, where you mix the absurd with the real.
Wicked.
So listen up.
You has'eard about the moon and about space.
You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.
So you better realise that these things is important.
Big up yourself, Keep it real.
Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.
OK, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.
He is the god of seating plans, choosing which celebrity goes with who.
- Is that right? - Let's see I'm judge and jury and it's our job to put the right people in the right seats.
- So what is Paul Wilmot? - Well, I mean I've years of experience in the fashion business.
For about 7 years I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein For the all world.
Let's talk about who is in and who is out in celebrities If they are in, we go, "Vassup.
" You go, "Vassup.
" And if they are out you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that.
Ja? I'll ask the names.
So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so".
- Jennifer Lopez.
- What's up.
Double what's up! - She's fabulous - "Vassup".
- She's a double.
- What about Debbie Harry? "Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"? Debbie Harry's having a second moment.
And maybe one year ago it was "Ich don't think so", now she has a chance to be "vassup".
Like Marianne Faithful is having a "vassup" moment too.
- Was she "Ich don't think so"? - Absolutely, for 20 years.
- She was "Ich don't think so"? - Yes, for 20 years.
Now, "vassup".
Who else is "Ich don't think so" at the moment? I mean Celine Dion.
"Ich don't think so".
I mean, you know, let's face it.
In fact she's even talk about doing a clothing line: "Ich don't think so.
" If you want to make sure the show is classy, you make sure you do not have which celebrities? Again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her Barbra Streisand would go to the opening of the Frankfurt Allgemeine Zeitunggeschaft! We're doing a charity as well, we're doing a lot of thing with these deaf children which we're getting behind now, teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex.
You can give them a message? I mean No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you.
Just do something for them about safe sex, how to keep safe sex.
- Just be - But not with words, don't Say no.
Be careful.
Just be careful.
- You can do But no words.
- Be careful.
Be careful.
- Don't do it.
Be careful.
- Cool.
Do you need any more models? Cos I am Chrysler's muse in Austria.
Seriously, We don't need any male models, we have about 40.
Do you need another model, would you like me to do? II demande si Il veut savoir s'il peut faire le mannequin.
I am Chrysler's You know the designer? I am his muse.
C'est la muse de Chrysler.
Il veut savoir si Il faut aller demander à Lloyd.
Ask him to Lloyd Klein, he's over there.
I just wanted to say, if you want, I'm here.
You know who I am? - I'm Bruno.
Chrysler's muse.
- Yes.
- The designer Chrysler? - Oui.
- And you're? - I'm his muse.
- Great.
- I'm here if you want.
I have all the male models, they're here.
But if you want, I don't mind.
- I won't charge you anything.
- Great.
- You want? - For the moment it's OK.
I'm doing the bit with the underpants.
- Can I borrow yours? - Like right now? - For the end.
Great.
- Sure.
- You wanna wear them? - Yeah, for the finale.
I need to wear them for the final.