Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s01e02 Episode Script

War

America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man? (Police radio, sirens) 'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.
' I is here, standing outside the United Nations of Benetton, where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end wars, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh.
I is here with the geezer who was the secretary-general of the United Nations.
His name be none other than my man, Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali.
How many countries is in the UN? If I'm not wrong, according to the last statistics, it must have more than 180 countries.
Is Disneyland a member of the UN? No, because Disneyland is not an independent state.
Do you think, in a hundred years' time, Disneyland or Disney World could 'ave a seat? No.
Disneyland is not doing politics, - Disneyland is - Well some of them is, some of them characters.
It is for the young children.
How many languages is spoken at the UN? You have practically what we call the five languages.
But which is the funniest? It's French, innit? - "Lo-lo-lo, dee-doo-loo-loo" - Not necessarily.
- Maybe Arabic is more funny.
- Oh, yeah.
It depends to whom, er What was the one that when the delegate spoke you was like (Laughs) "Look at him! I gotta go to the bog.
" I am not allowed, I am the secretary-general.
There must have been one going, "Ubba-dubba-dubba-da.
" I have to have a-a-a poker face.
Like this.
- Do you speak French? - Yes.
How do you say "shit" in French? - Chic? - Shit.
Shit.
Aight, crap, rubbish.
Ah.
Oh.
(Chuckles) De la merde! How do you spell that? (French) M-E-R-D-E.
- M A - R-D-E.
Thanks for that.
Me wanna say big up yourself, Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali.
Respect.
This is the Security Council Chamber - Wicked.
of the United Nations.
It was donated by the government of Norway.
All right.
Safe.
So what happens here? 15 countries from different regions of the world discuss about world peace and security.
Safe.
Respect.
What's that, Jordan? Ain't it stupid letting one sportsman have his own seat no matter how, you know, powerful he is? That is not Michael Jordan, if you mean that gentleman, it's the state of Jordan in the Middle East.
That's what you is telling the cameras but ain't it ridiculous, letting one person have the same power as a whole country? Again, it's not the person sitting there, it's the government of the state of Jordan.
Is it named after Michael Jordan? It is not.
- Does this country really exist? - Yes, it does.
- What's this? - Guinea, that's a country in Africa.
- The Republic of Guinea.
- Is that a real country? It is a real country, in Africa.
It's quite large as well.
With full respect, why do you give crap countries a vote? Well, er that's your opinion of Guinea.
That is definitely not shared in this organisation.
Where is Africa represented? Don't see it nowhere.
- Well, Guinea - Where? Where's Africa? - This is a country in Africa.
- So you claim.
This is a, er earphone used by the people that sit here to listen to the meetings in six different languages.
Ain't it dangerous, though, having translatorors? Why do you think that? Cos let's say the translatoror is a double agent.
He can say, you know, well dodgy stuff, like apparently the Vietnams war was started when Saddam, er, Husseins got in a translatoror and he was gonna send an email to the president of Thailand to just ask him for a cup of tea but the translatoror put in something that turned out like, "Your mum is a ho and I has boned her," and the Thai person got well eggy and that's what happened, that's how the Vietnams war started.
I'm not sure that your recount of the story is correct.
It might very well be but - Well, that is the word on the street.
- OK.
How does you choose who sits next to who? It goes in English alphabetical order from A to Z.
Can you swap if the person next to you is really annoying you? Can you swap? Er, no, I don't think you can.
The answer to that is no.
Does you ever separate people if they is mucking around? Like if they is chucking stuff at the President Kofi? Well, no, that has never happened as far as I know, so that has not been a necessity, no.
At three o'clock there is a meeting taking place here.
- In, like, ten minutes? - Ten minutes, yes.
A meeting to discuss Iraq.
- Can we be in the meeting? - No, we can't because - What about just me? - Nobody can.
No public is allowed for security reasons.
So what's going on in Iraq that we should know about? Iraq is suspected of producing weapons of mass destruction.
- Wicked.
- Gas - and nuclear weapons.
- What a laugh.
And where does the boss man sit? Well, the secretary-general sits right here.
- He sit 'ere? - Yes.
- Wicked.
Can we sit here? - Definitely.
I has just written that Saddam Hussein is a bell end.
(Rroji) OK.
(# East European folk-pop) Yekshemesh.
American national sport is called baseballs.
It's very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field and then have a party.
I like you.
I find more now with team Savannah Sand Gnats.
Dzien dobry.
(# Disco rock) Now, ladies and gentlemen, a special big welcome.
We have tonight Mr Borat Sagdiyev from Kazakhstan television.
(Cheering) I love USA! Do you love USA? (Cheering) Yes.
I love baseballs! Do you love baseballs? (Cheering) I like you! Do you like me? US and A! US and A! - US and A! - (Crowd) USA! And now, please, everybody, we stand for, er, national anthem Kazakhstan for respect.
Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan Mogaslav yczda Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan Mogaslav yczda Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan - # Na mogi # - (Girl whooping) Aztam ma, aztam ma Ah-ah-ahlmakhi (Cheering) Khyl ma furtelv Tselyia voda Kumba khortsel V tselyia voda Kumba khortsel V tselyia voda Kumba khortsel V tselyia Voda-a-a Dhaynka Zaa-aa Shtan Kazakhstan imol - # Zlovic da # - (Whooping) Kazakhs - (Cheering) - # Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan - # Mogaslav yczda # - (Applause) Kazakhsta-a-a-an, Ka-a-azakhstan Mogaslav yzcz Dhenka ha-aalya (Cheering) I love USA! I love USA! I like sex! I love USA! Did you pay some money to the boss to make sure your side wins? That is not done in baseball.
- But maybe 50 dollar? - No, no, no.
- You want I pay him 50 dollar? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I have a 40,000 tampon, no applicator, you want I give to the umpire? - I don't think so.
- You think he will mind - that there is no applicator? - I don't think so.
(# Disco rock) Hello, hello.
Everybody, you want to, er, come together to make, er er touch one another? - A big picture? - Yes.
Now we all hug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! (All chant) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Ahhhhh! - (Whooping) You are real men! You are real men! I like! I like.
- You have a shower? - (Laughter) Can I? You are very strong.
(Cheers) (Chuckles) You are strong! - Aah! - (Laughter) You have a hràng like my friend! My friend, he have the same hràng from you.
That's good.
Can I touch? - You want to do a wrestle? - A wrestle? - Yeah.
- What's that? - I like to wrestle.
- You want me to take you out? - What does that Take me out? - Ever heard of Steve Austin? - What does he do? - Get him on the floor.
(Grunts and shrieks) I'm gonna pin you! I'm gonna pin you! Yeah! USA! USA! You OK? - (Laughter) - Dang, man.
- I OK! - (Laughter) Yes.
I make a joke, you think I hurt! - (Grunts) - Go on, Sam! Go ahead! Go ahead! Go ahead! Go ahead! (Laughing) Go ahead! - Yeah! - (Laughter) Savannah! Savannah! - You win.
- I win? You OK? - (Grunts) - No sad, no sad.
Happy! Are you hurt? I OK.
(Breathing heavily) - USA.
- You win me.
Thank you.
No way.
(# Fast techno) How did you, er, manage to maintain er, a natural look? Well, I have a good hairdresser.
What is the philosophy of the show? - It's kind of like trailer trash.
- What it is, trailer trash? It's kind of like, I guess, backwoods from like, um middle of nowhere, kinda poor, dressing what you have around.
- So primitive, rubbish people.
- Kind of, yeah.
So do you hope that these white trash trashing people will buy the clothes? - I don't think they can afford it.
- They are too poor! It is like this in Austria! We take the clothes from the homeless - and sell them in the shops.
- Jack up the price.
- The homeless cannot buy them! - Definitely.
- That is the beauty of fashion.
- Yeah.
So how important is fashion to you? Fashion is very important.
It keeps us creative, alive.
It's what makes us get up every day.
You know what? She's a real fashion icon living in her own time.
I'm from New York and I come across a lot of people who are not from here but from other parts of the world who really have no fashion sense.
- They look ridiculous.
- There's no personal style.
Why not put them on trains, send them to a camp and say bye-bye? I would love to say bye-bye to them.
The style gurus in Austria are saying Osama bin Laden is, like, the best-dressed guy, do you think so? - I think he's cool.
- He's so cool.
Yeah, I don't know if he's the best-dressed guy, um but he's definitely very fashionable.
Have you ever thought of using disabled models but with normal clothes? I mean, not like disgusting disabled but just the mental thing so you wouldn't be able to see it.
There is one model we used for a couple of seasons that was deaf.
How did she know when to go out? Did you push her? No, you just, you know, tap her.
In Austria, the casting director is a more important job than doctors or politicians.
Is it the same here? Erm, no, fashion isn't thought of as as seriously as the medical profession here but I think - That's ridiculous.
- I think so.
I mean, fashion saves a lot more lives than doctors.
I think so.
Ja, ich bin hier mit Michael, I am here with Michael, ze other designer today.
- Congratu Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
Why was there so much cardboard? Why was that theme so much there? Cardboard? There was no cardboard.
- There was a theme of cardboard.
- No.
Why did you base the whole show around the theme of cardboard? Well, because everything is so hippy in fashion that I wanted to do something that was the opposite.
Like stiff and cut and just amazing like that, that's what I felt like.
Because no one has yet had the guts - No one has the guts.
to do a show about cardboard.
No, they don't understand.
- Too scared to touch it.
- They are.
What I loved about the show was that it had no humour at all, which was just so powerful.
- Well, it was dead serious.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It was super-serious.
How did you keep the show humorous all the way along? Using pop icons.
Why was the show all about the individual? Because that's what we are and that's what we prefer everyone to be.
It's amazing, cos this show was, at its essence, all about other people.
Why? Because when you're an artist you look at other people and that's how you become an artist, you observe.
I found ze collection so heavy that it was pulling me down into a place better than heaven.
Yeah, I wanted it to be like a weight on people.
I wanted you to just fall, collapse.
How did you make sure that the show was just so light? Because when you Because we wanted things to flow but at the same time not just be too overly feminine.
But you somehow managed to achieve this sense of the show being lighter than air, everyone just floating up.
That's what it was.
They were in the clouds, in space.
Do you think consistency is important? No.
(Police radio, sirens) Booyakasha! Diggety check this out because I is 'ere with none other than my main man, General Brent Scowcroft.
Him was the national security advisor to George Bush, who was the president of America, and also to some geezer called Ford.
Is fighting the most harmful thing you can do to the other side? Ain't the most harmful thing you can do is to call them nasty names? Mmm, not really, not for countries.
Let's imagine we was back all those years ago when you was fighting Russia.
If the President had gone over to the head of Russia and said, "Yo! Boris!" or whatever.
"Stop being such a neeuurrgh!" - Mm-hm? - He would've felt this small.
Well, as a matter of fact we did that.
- Did you go "neeurgh"? - Well, not "neeurgh".
- But what? - You don't do that in diplomatic circles.
But did you do a kind of spaz impression? Er, no.
When should a nation nuke another one? That's a very good question.
- That's a very good question.
- Thanks a lot.
I would say only if its very vital interests are involved.
Do you think America should nuke Canada? - No.
- Why not? Because we don't have any real, significant problems with Canada.
But if you nuked Canada, the amazing thing would be the element of surprise.
Them would never h'expect it.
Then you could take all their h'everything they got there.
- We don't want what they have.
- They must have something good.
They have a lot of things good - gold, oil Those cow things with the horns.
- Moose.
- Aight.
(# Hip-hop, scratching) Hear dis! Hear dis, boy! If you is an officer, what is the bestestest tactic in battle? To win.
Oooh.
Wh-What? What does that mean? The best the best tactic you can do is to manoeuvre so that you surprise the enemy.
So is the bestest tactic surprise? - Sure it is.
- Cos that makes me think of - Ooh! Did that surprise you? - Yes.
That did, didn't it? When you surprise somebody, you have the advantage cos you know what you're doing, - and he's not prepared.
- That's true because - Ah! Yo.
- Yeah.
Exactly.
- Did that? - Most of the great generals in history have figured out how to surprise the enemy, do something they don't anticipate.
No.
I understand because - Ha! - (Laughs) Exactly.
Does you understand? I is trying to surprise you.
It's exactly that concept.
Is the army worried about the threat of chemical and biological weapons? Sure.
Sure.
Did they ever catch the people that sent Tampax through the post? Er, no, they did not.
It wasn't Tampax, it was anthrax.
I think they is different brand names.
Well, that may be but anthrax is a germ, er, Tampax is something very different.
Me just wanna say big up yourself, General Scowcroft.
You has helped us out here.
And, you know, the interesting - Ooh! - (Laughs) Yeah.
- The surprise thing.
- Surprise, you got it.
But me just wanna say all you lot out there, listen to the words of my man the general, and I ain't shittin' you, he really is a general, Scowcroft, cos him has said nuff important things about war an' tings.
You'd better listen up.
Don't get mashed up.
Keep it real.
Me know you probably can't tell me this cos it is classified but what do the letters CIA h'actually stand for? Easy - Central Intelligence Agency.
- Is that your real face? - Yes.
Had it for a long time.
Let's talk about some conspiracy things, let's go back to the grassy knoll.
Who actually shot JR? Uh JFK, you mean? - Er, I don't - Who's he? I am Boutros Boutros Ghali.
Put down your gun and listen to - (Ali) Bob Marley.
- Bob Marley.