Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

Art

America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man? (Police radios, sirens) 'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.
' Yo.
Science.
What is it all about? Techmology.
What is that all about? Is it good or is it whack? There is a bloke from round my hood, Staines, called Rainbow Jeremy, who reject everything to do with science.
He just chill at home, he smoke his own home-grown, and check this - he don't have a telly.
I ain't shitting you.
He don't have a telly.
He lives in a house, though.
That house is a product of technology.
He got no techmology, you can check his website.
- The house itself - He wears clothes, shoes.
- (Ali) What? - He eats food.
Has computers made our lives better? There's no question about it.
Will computers ever be able to work out what nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine multiplied by - nine nine nine nine nine - (Muttering) You don't know what I was going to say.
Nine nine eight nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine point eight eight nine nine eight eight nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine.
- The answer's yes.
- The most powerful computer does 36 trillion operations a second.
So would it be able to multiply ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten - Yes.
Yes.
ten ten ten ten ten ten ten - ten ten ten ten ten ten ten - Yes.
Yes.
You don't know what I was gonna say.
Multiply You don't know.
ten ten ten ten 11 - (Coates) Makes no difference.
- It makes no difference 11, 12 - The computer will handle it.
18, 19, 20 100, 100, 100, 100, 100, 100, - 100, 100, 100 million - Yes.
thousand million.
- Yes.
Yes.
Any numbers you want, it will be able to multiply.
Point nine nine nine nine eight, without blowing up? - Yes.
- Gonna move it on a little bit.
Where did men come from? Man evolved out of lower species, in the way that all species evolved out of lower species.
- This is ridiculous.
- What? He's welcome to believe his grandpa was Lucy and came down from a tree but that is pure religion.
So you is saying we ain't come down from monkeys? Monkeys have babies.
Why don't they have a human? - We're Homo sapiens and - Well, yo I ain't.
I just wanna make clear, cos this is going out on the TV, that I don't do that stuff, I ain't got nothing against you.
It's the Homo that threw him off.
Explain that.
It is a scientific nomenclature that describes who we are as part of a phyla or a stream.
- It goes hominid, hominoid - Different names for it.
- We're all Homo sapiens.
- My wife is a Homo sapien.
- But that's not homosexual.
- Respec'.
Well, it's just a way of describing who we are.
That's it, you know.
I I wanna make clear, respec' for coming on.
I won't treat you differently now that that has come out.
- That's safe.
- It has nothing to do with You're confused here.
Let's settle the confusion.
All of people in the whole world the biologists have in a group called Homo.
And the particular human group below that is sapiens.
And all that is Greek.
It just means the Greek word for "man, smart".
- A lot of them is talented - It's not about homosexuals.
It has nothing to do with homos that you meet on the street.
It's a different lingo.
- But so is is you a - (Hovind) My point is one of the homo lot? - I am a Homo sapien, all humans are Homo sapiens.
- OK? You are too.
- Yo, yo.
The term Homo in Homo sapien has nothing at all to do with sex.
All right.
Let's talk about when technology goes horribly wrong.
Is there techmologies that you won't use? Er, I try to avoid foods that have pesticide residues on them.
No disrespect or whatever, but does you use a toilet or does you just drop one in a hole? I use the toilet, like I assume everybody here does.
You'd use it but would you flush? Certainly, yeah, absolutely.
So would you use a toilet or does you just drop it in a hole? I've been to places with no toilets and I'm glad to get back to America.
- So would you flush? - Oh, sure.
You should have a septic system to handle the waste.
You say that but there's evidence backstage to the contrary.
- Was it was it you? - What are you talking about? You know what I is talking about.
- No, I have no clue.
- The floater.
Covering it with paper don't make it OK.
That goes for the rest of you, whoever it was.
I ain't accusing but I has my suspicions.
I don't It was not me, if that's what you're saying.
If I understand you, which I don't part of the time.
You know what I is talking about.
If it was, shame on you.
- Still you're very confusing.
- I ain't pointing fingers.
But is you the one backstage that didn't flush? - No, sir.
- (Ali) You know what I mean.
Why you would talk about that on TV blows my mind.
Just saying, out of respect, and we was talking about respect, whoever it was, and I ain't I don't care, let's just - Then move on.
- (Ali) Let's put it aside.
But that ain't right.
Shame on you.
I didn't do it.
Don't say shame on me.
I didn't do anything.
Just wanna thank you all for coming on 'ere.
This was very interesting.
Keep it real.
Yo.
Respec'.
- Respec'.
- Respect.
Respec'.
- Respec'.
- Respect.
(# East European folk-pop) Yekshemesh.
Hello.
In Kazakhstan, as we know, the new age began in May 1992, when it became legal for women to wear trousers, speak in public and travel on inside of bus.
Here, in America, it means something different.
I'm gonna check your chakra energy centres with the pendulum to see which ones are needing to be balanced.
So there is no hand relief? Not a massage, just like this.
Hands on, touching.
Your solar plexus is not open.
Er, last night, I eat, er 12, how you say, beef jerky.
- Mm.
It gave you indigestion? - Jerky.
- It make it come like water.
- OK.
OK.
What I'd like to do is put some crystals around you.
- Do hands on.
- What do you mean a "hands-on"? Like Reiki, you put your hands on your energy - Like, er, Ricky Martin? - R-Reiki master, right.
Is, er, Ricky Martin a healer? Er, in the sense that he uses sound as a healing modality.
Ricky Martin we like very much in Kazakhstan.
So I'm gonna pull the stones off of you.
I just wanted to show you what this does.
- Ricky Martin will come here? - No, no.
I said Reiki master, it's a type of oriental healing.
- You know, with hands on.
- How do you know Ricky Martin? How do I know Ricky Martin? I don't know Ricky Martin.
Why do we talk about Ricky Martin? Because I was talking about a type of oriental healing called Reiki.
- And he do this - You connected Reiki to Ricky Martin.
- I have to pull these off.
- Can we meet him? - Who? - Ricky Martin.
Ricky Martin? I don't know, do you have his address? - No.
- Yeah, I don't either.
(# Disco rock) This is a spirit tree, an old grandfather cottonwood tree.
Been growing here for 125 years.
In Kazakhstan, when you have important tree or oak, you do a water from the hràng - Mm-hm.
Yes.
on this.
Can I do now? - Mark territory.
Sure, please.
- Thank you.
- It's marking your territory.
- It is OK for you? - Long as the tree doesn't mind.
- Thank you.
Water here is precious, no matter what form it comes in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm gonna show you a dragon that lives in this tree, too.
(Ron) This one here, everybody loves.
(Ron) In many ways, that is an honour to the tree, to offer it water from your own body in the desert is about the most precious gift.
So spitting on the ground is an offering in the desert.
Because you need your water for survival.
(Humming) (Squeaks) Bangurhan chinqui indimogz robich.
- Uma domovun.
Bangurhan.
- Ahoo.
Dzien dobry.
Not only spirit important, body, too.
In Kazakhstan, lazy, greedy peasants complain they must lift heavy weights and run for many hours.
In America, stupid people pay money to do this.
I look.
- Hello, Borat, nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
Welcome to Ironworks.
This is what you'll do.
Watch me.
- Pull and extend.
- Yes.
OK? The legs.
On the machine, though.
No, on the machine.
No, you have to come back in the position, all the way up.
Put your legs under under here.
Oh up on top.
Up on top.
Face down.
No, the way you were in the beginning.
- No.
- Yes.
And now I move up? Yeah.
Face down.
Hold the handles.
OK.
This is your position.
You don't move from here.
Yes.
It hurt my hràng.
- It hurts what? - My hràng.
- Your? - My er, my testes satchel.
- Your abdomen goes here.
- Yes.
The foot comes around into here.
And you push it up, up, up, up, like this.
- So then you're running.
- Yes.
And stop.
- Yes? - This is dangerous.
(Laughs) I don't think you should try.
It's too dangerous.
- Yes.
- Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
You must walk.
- Yes.
- Walk faster, faster.
There you go.
Faster, there you go.
Now, look straight ahead and just walk.
- Yes.
- Just walk.
Walk.
There you see walk, though.
Keep walking, walk.
Don't stop.
Faster.
There you go, there you go.
Feel? - Yes, I fear.
- Relax and just walk.
- I relax.
- Stand up.
- There.
Now you're doing it.
- I relax.
Now show your people you're doing it.
- Chinqui.
- Don't stop.
Wide, wide, wide.
Yo! Boom, boom, shake the mofo room.
I is 'ere with the main man of medicine.
Him name be C Everett Koop.
So all you lot out there need to listen up, because you is as likely to be killed by an illness as you is by a drive-by.
So let's talk about the human body, cos after all, everyone has got one of them so we is meant to believe.
How important is the heart? The heart is the pump that makes the blood take all the things you need nutritionally to all parts of your body.
Why is the actual heartbeat so old-fashioned? You know, boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.
That's a built-in mechanism in the heart that is electrical.
Surely my homies would be more into looking after their heart if they had a beat they could relate to, like a drum'n'bass.
You know (lmitates drum machine) Then they would look after it and go, "Yo, this is me heart, respect it.
" - You're way off base there.
- Why can't we use techmology and take out some of the bit - with all respect - boring organs and stick in a CD player, like wicked speakers, booming out, you is like a walking sound system.
- That'd be wicked, man.
- It would be "wicked" is what you say.
It would be - "impossible" is a better word.
What about sticking a mobile phone in there? Surely there's space for that? You don't know what you're saying.
What would happen to your body with a cellphone in there? lt'd be able to answer calls and all that.
No, you'd start to bleed, you'd start to get infection and before long, if nobody intervened, you'd be dead.
- What is the brain? - It's the thing you have to have.
- Without it, nothing else works.
- Is the brain's memory any good? The brain's memory is perfect.
So how come I can't remember me PIN number? - Well - I think it's got a four in it.
I could give you a quick answer and say you're stupid.
You know? That obviously ain't the real reason.
It's the beginning of truth.
Does all of us really have bones or is it what the media want us to believe? You all have bones.
Me know this is a generalisation but why is all skeletons involved in evil stuff? That's just, erm Skeletons are the last thing to disappear.
How fast do bones grow? They grow very remarkably until you are a certain age and then, when you go through puberty, bones stop growing.
How come some bones can grow in a few seconds, like, a few inches? - That can't happen.
- How come the dong bone can just It's not a bone.
It's not a bone.
- It is a bone, innit? - No, it isn't.
But it grows well quickly.
I has got 11 girls who can prove it.
- They can give you evidence.
- It's not bone.
(# Hip hop, scratching) Hear dis Hear dis, boy Do you reckon it's ever OK to end someone's life? No.
I do not.
But, like with me cat when him 'ad a broken leg, me took him Your cat Your cat is not a human being.
Well, me cat was a human being.
No, please don't confuse me.
Your cat was not a human being.
Nobody believes a cat is a human being.
- But it had human feelings.
- No, not human feelings.
- It was sad sometimes.
- I'm sure it's sad.
It was sad when they had to booka it cos of the leg.
Let's talk about a big thing - death, D-E-F.
I is talking about the thing that happens to you you know, a few weeks after you is alive.
That's bad, innit? You don't spell it that way.
It's D-E-A-T-H.
So what is the chances that me will eventually die? That you will die? 100 per cent.
I can guarantee that 100 per cent.
You will die.
- You is being a bit of a pessimist.
- No, an absolute realist.
I didn't realise you was a playa hata.
I'd like a second opinion.
There is nobody that I know who has a mind and a brain who doesn't know that everybody will die.
I like to think four out of five people is definitely gonna be have the death thing happen to them.
One out of five, Jah bless, keep going.
Keeping it strong.
I hope.
You will eventually find you're wrong.
Keep it real.
Yo, big up yourself.
(Police radio, sirens) Diggety check yourself before you wreck yourself.
I is here with none other than my man, Ralph Nader.
Him be the Green Party presidential candidate in the year 2000.
So what is happening with the rainforests? They're being cut down, very fast.
What's the big deal? It's not like anyone ever lived in them.
Sure, you have a lot of native peoples who live in them.
But surely they would be happy to get out of there.
It must be crap living there.
No Maccy Ds, no KFCs, no way to drive around anywhere, all these monkeys plopping on your 'ead.
Who'd wanna stay there? You'd have to be absolutely mental.
You wouldn't like it.
But why would anyone wanna live there with the risk of a monkey dropping one on your 'ead? The monkeys aren't eager to search out these natives and plop on them.
- Yeah, but it ain't impossible.
- I've never heard of a case.
How should people out there lessen the amount of electricity they use? There's a lot of waste, you know.
You leave your house and you leave the electricity on.
Me sometimes get the electricity meter and me put, like, a coat hanger in one of the clogs and that seems to stop it.
- Or you can use magnets and - And then you can't turn the lights on? No, you can turn the lights on but the numbers don't go up.
Yeah, that's rigging the meter, though.
That's a violation.
Do you think, if it was legal, people should do that here? No, it doesn't reduce the amount of electricity you use.
So how come the number ain't going up? Because you're interfering with the meter.
It's easy to be negative.
I was only helping you out.
I appreciate that.
- Is natural gases running out? - No.
Why don't you get humanoids who make a lot of natural gas to maybe squeeze one out into a box and use that energy? You already have tens of millions of cattle but they haven't figured out how to put a box on their asshole.
Check it.
It is eight o'clock in the morning, which is the earliest I has ever been up and I is in the middle of the fucking desert.
Why? Cos I is at an antinuclear protest.
Which is a subject well, well close to me heart.
And it is also an opportunity to meet some loose hippy bitches and possibly 'ave a rumble.
Respec'.
So shall we stand up or shall we sit down? Let's sit, it's closer to the earth that way.
No doubt.
The Shoshone people believe in hugging from heart to heart.
- Oh, right.
Did we? - Well, let's try again.
Oh.
Easy now.
- Very nice.
- Yeah.
Has you ever, like, been to the UK? Yes, I have.
I went to London.
Has you been to Staines? That's where I is from.
- Staines? - No.
That whole area's very beautiful.
- It's got a new McDonald's.
- McDonald's? Oh, no.
- No, it's got an amazing, massive one.
- Really? - It's got - I try to avoid that stuff.
- Is you more Burger King or - Me? No.
- KFC? - None of it.
Is you gonna be doing a bit of protesting today? Er, not today, I gotta take off but yeah, I went down there and got in their face, it was pretty fun.
- Did you get arrested? - I didn't, but I have been in the past.
With full respec', ain't you being a bit (Clucks) - Chicken? Is that? Well - You know, chicken.
Well, you could be right.
- Will you come down with me? - I ain't getting arrested.
Well, is you a bit of a (Clucks) Oh.
(Clucks loudly) Sure.
You bet I am.
- Is you on crack? - Huh? Where does that gold come from? Who fucking mines that gold? He's got Africa on this.
Where does gold come from Africa? Do you know how gold is mined, the environmental devastation that has occurred by this gold? Do you know how many people are in bondage, slaves in Africa, so you can wear a gold Africa? Is you by any chance a bit jealous? You know they is all coming down here, so - Who's coming down? - There's gonna be a big thing.
- That's their option.
- One of them I met was saying bad things about you - all your mums was slags and you was cowards, was too cowardly to, like, arrest them and all that.
He's got his philosophy, we've got ours.
He's got, like, a big beard, this geezer, like, sunglasses on.
Massive beard.
You've destroyed the World Trade Center (lmitates drum machine) And crashed the Pentagon (Continues drum sounds) Bit depressing.
Resist the urge to cause more suffering No.
Resist the urge to retaliate (Rapping) I is feeling, kind of The vibe of the earth thing I is gonna do a protesting I didn't know if people that I was talking with Didn't know 'ow they would walk in with Didn't know 'ow I would go in with And when I didn't know if it if When, what, if Didn't know what and is gonna in the fence On the fence, the fence, de-fence, de-fence Defence, defence, I is talking about defence I meant, meant about something To do with defence And the whole thing about rents And we is about rents and fence And if you don't like that then Live in the tents, yo, that's what I is saying, - Living in a tent, yo - Tents.
Making it free, making it kind of funky Making the ladies touch their punani That is wild, that is fly Cos all my bitches here is rocking their style Take it away.
Fr-Fr-Fr-Fr-Fresh.
Fr-Fr-Fresh.
- All right! - Respec'.
Yo.
Yo, respec'.
What is states? In chemistry, you can have things that are solid, that's one state, liquid is another state, and gas, like the air, which you can't usually see.
Ain't there a danger you think you is producing a gas and out comes a solid? - Has you ever done that? - Well, I suppose there's always a danger.
Cos me once went on a date with this honey called Melanie Sharp.
And we was in the cinema and me let slip a silent but violent, and me did the usual, you know, just go - Yep.
- You know, like Tch.
Blame it on them.
Then I thought I was cool and we walked out half an hour later.
I thought, "Something ain't right.
" So I went round the corner, had a little peep and hallo - There was solid.
OK.
- Some solid in me Hilfigers.
Me name be Ralph Nader, me gonna make an appeal.
Homies, save de rainforest, aight? Keep it real.