Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s01e05 Episode Script


America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man? (Police radio, sirens) 'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.
' Fr-Fr-Fr-Fresh.
'Ear me now, rude boys.
I has got nuff heavy TV ideas, which is why I is come 'ere to Los Angeles, to see if I can make it in the world of telly.
Bo'! What is this project about? It's loosely based on, like, James Bond but it's for TV.
I've seen that over and over and over again.
- There's nothing new.
- I done an eight-minute thing.
Let me see, I'll watch a little bit of it.
(# Techno) Get him! This bit's good.
I got I got the idea.
All right.
Um This is not a genre that I'm interested in.
- You ain't given it a chance.
- I have.
I'm not interested.
People will switch on when they see the title, James Bond.
I'm not interested in it.
Thank you very much, I'm not interested in it.
I can't make it any more clear.
I'm not interested in it.
As clear as I could possibly I am not interested in it.
I want you to just level with me.
If you like it, say you like it.
- If you don't, say it.
- I tried to say it.
- There's another - I have time for one pitch.
It's like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire but with more cash.
I really have to I have another appointment.
It's Who Wants To Be A Billionaire.
There's also one massive selling factor here - the cast.
Me knows this girl who also lives in Staines called Melanie Gibson.
I is hoping to get her involved, then we can put on the posters "Starring Mel Gibson".
But in this country, actors, if they have a name that's already taken, they can't even use their legal name.
She's known by a lot of her mates as Mel.
- And that's - "Mel, yo, can you?" Officially, if she's, like, applying for a job, Melanie.
But once she is in there - "Yo, Mel, has you got? "What is you up to tonight, Mel?" She might have a little problem clearing the name with the Screen Actors Guild here.
Me would raise, like, loads of cash by threatening to cuss companies if they didn't 'and over cash.
So let's say we ask McDonald's, you know, "Do you wanna 'elp fund the programme?" If them say no, we say, "All right, "we is gonna have someone eatin' a Big Mac and then dyin' of cancer.
" Well, that's almost tantamount to blackmail.
Let's say I rang up McDonald's, spoke to the main man.
I'd say, "Yo, Ronald, give me the cash.
" What I think is that you have to be positive in your approach.
So maybe me show you the tape.
'I can't believe it.
It's a lady.
' Thanks for saving my life.
(Grunting) (Mobile phone) 'What is it? I is in the middle of having sex.
' It better be important.
Wow, that is fuckin' important.
'What, there is a bomb? I just gotta finish meself off.
' Thanks.
Before you leave me, I didn't catch your name.
Me name is James Bond.
James Bond.
- Do you wanna produce it? - No.
No, it's not my kind of show.
My other idea is this - a police dog has died and its spirit has gone into the Chief of Police.
And it is called Hot Dog Cop.
Does this police chief know what's going on? That's the best thing about it.
Ain't got no idea.
- What happens when it takes over? - Him can speak to the dogs, him can run like a dog - well fast, but also, he does the dirty stuff that dogs do as well.
Like, he'll do a Suddenly he can't control himself, do one.
I think it would take a very uh ingenious script to make it work.
You would need a dog to help write some of it.
- And by that, what do you mean? - The dog bits.
(Police radio, sirens) (# East European folk-pop) Hello.
I come here to learn etiquette in deep South with Helen, who professor of etiquette.
- Yes, sir.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Should you be polite to all? - Yes.
- Er, should you be polite to prostitute? - Well, yes, because that's what they do.
- Yes.
How much is polite to tip them? - To tip? - Yes.
Usually, it's ten per cent.
- In some places, it's - Yes.
- For hand relief.
sometimes 20 per cent.
For with vagine.
But it is always proper to tip.
Will you teach me, please, how to be manners? - Yes, sir, I will.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Thank you? - You're welcome.
Er, thank you? You say how to talk to people with different personality.
We also have a dull person.
Like my wife.
- What you need to do - She is boring.
You need to think about things to help her not be boring.
It is like doing it with my sister.
We're not talking about that.
Is she boring to have dinner with? - Yes.
- You need things to talk about.
Maybe it's because you haven't done enough with her.
I do everything! I try In the kitchen I do it, every way, we try, we look at the DVD, we try to make it ourself.
(Man) Ladies and gentlemen This is Elsa McDowell, this is Borat.
How do you do? - Simms McDowell.
Pleased to meet you.
- Chinqui.
- Hello, I'm George Thurmand.
- Hello.
Borat Sagdiyev.
Can I talk about what I did last night? Well, it depends on what you did.
Is it somethin' personal that might make someone embarrassed? No.
Last night, er I had sex.
I beg your pardon? I had, um with woman from Gambia I do, um Oh! In America we don't discuss that.
But she was nice! High five! - She was - You're in trouble, George! Can I talk about my hobbies? Sure.
That's a wonderful thing to talk about.
Again, that's getting to know a person.
Do you like porno? (Man) No.
(Woman) An interesting conversation.
But why? In Kazakhstan now, after communism we have a lot of porno.
I like I like a shaven pussy! Should I talk about my family? Sure.
I would share good things about your family.
My sister, she is a a prostitute? That's sad.
What? Why is she a prostitute? She like to make money! High five! She like to come to US and A.
She can stay with you? We'd have to see.
- She is good! - I know the answer to that.
What if I make a smell? Should I say is me? No, you don't make it obvious but if you feel like people are looking at you like you just say, "Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
" - (Borat) There is a smell.
- Like you're It smell like a shit.
Yes, it does! We say a putt.
When you do a putt, when you squeeze a bad a bad smell from the hole.
- You do a putt.
- That's right.
- There are wonderful flowers - I can do a big putt! - You want I try? - I'm good.
- You want I try to do a putt? - No.
- I can do.
- I know you can.
Who cannot? - You want I? - No.
- Can you make yourself do it? - I have one.
- I have one, you want? - No.
Borat, don't do it.
It is coming.
- Um - (Man) We're waiting.
- No, we're not.
- If you want, I can do.
- Put your hand close.
- No! - Chinqui.
- Chinqui, OK.
You are a fat! You are fat! - He is a fat.
- I'm fat.
That's why I You are tiny! He will squash you when you do the sex.
Easy now.
You has all heard the words, probably nuff of you out there is done it.
So, what is pornography? I think pornography sends a very dangerous message to society.
I think it lies about sex.
- What does you think? - I mean, I (Giggles) - I enjoy watching it myself.
- No doubt.
You know, a lot is the parents, because you have to be 18 to enter these sites.
- There's a written - She's right.
statement saying, "Yes, I'm 18.
" - That's - Whoa, let her finish.
- I'm sorry.
I'm seeing young girls, 12, 13, and I'm thinking they're 18.
For the men in this business, how important is it, the size of the warrior? It's not really the size.
I've worked with quite large men, I've worked with smaller men.
Cos I is got a massive one.
But what does you say to people with small ones? Not me.
- No.
It's - I'm quite the opposite.
The saying, it's not how large, it's how you use it.
Why do you think it is that you ain't had sex with someone yet? Is it because you is too shy or cos you is aiming for honeys out of your league? - No.
- Is it cos of the confidence? - You don't go up to ladies - No.
and say, "Let's do it".
- No.
I do not believe that sex with multiple partners should be the norm.
So you is saying is you actually is trying not to 'ave sex? I'm trying not to allow sex to come to the forefront of my life.
Does you think the age at which you can 'ave sex is at the right level? For most states in this country, the age of consensual sex - is usually around 16 or 18.
- Aight.
Virgin, does you think it's at the right age? Well, I think the difficulty is the issue that we're wired to have sex pretty young.
- How old Can I? - I was 18 when I lost my virginity.
How old was you? I ain't asking you cos you is a virgin.
I was like, I think, about ten or something, with this model from Italy who was 28.
It is illegal for people to 'ave sex below the age of 16.
Should it be illegal to 'ave sex above the age of, say, 50? I wouldn't want it to be illegal to have sex above the age of 50 for personal reasons! But like a couple of years ago, me had a really bad experience.
Me walked in on me nana.
She was doing it, like, 69 with Uncle Derek, her boyfriend - who ain't me real uncle.
I felt sick, it was like walnuts in a sock.
- How can that be right? - Don't go into Nana's bedroom.
Yeah, but they did it in the living room as well.
Well, that's irresponsible, for parents to do that when there are children around or anyone else.
Let's just have one word to sum up your position.
Let's say commitment.
- Virgin? - Nobility.
- Jesus.
- (Heart) Hmm.
- Safety.
- Yo, and mine is peace.
So let's try and do that into something.
Er (Soulfully) # Peace Yo, nobility, yeah! Check it Cos Jesus Innit? Is Commitment.
Commii-i-tment OK.
Mm? Just thought that up.
Just like that.
I didn't know what your words was gonna be beforehand.
- It was off the top of my head.
- Thank you.
(# Fast techno) Entschuldigung, bitte.
I'm here in the coolest city in the world.
That's right, LA.
Los Angeles.
It makes Vienna look like a Scheissendummführer.
Let's go and find out what makes it so out there.
Wir gehen zurück.
Would you, like, prefer to be born without a sense of fashion or with one of those hands that has really small fingers, like half a hand thing? Yes, I'd rather be born with a sense of fashion, definitely.
- And one of those - Exactly.
Because you can design something to cover them, special gloves.
Maybe you could add some steel fingers or silver fingers, things to make it look exercised.
What was it like when Madonna came in through the door - She didn't.
did her vogue and said, "Hi, I'm a virgin?" Well, I don't wanna say.
She didn't come to the store here.
- She hasn't been here? - Not when I was here.
Warum sind sie hier? Du hast gesagt, Madonna.
They're crazy about Madonna.
Can you just pretend? OK, so what was it like when Madonna came through the door and said, "I wanna buy these clothes, they're the greatest," and like did the vogue? Yeah, it was amazing, unbelievable.
- How many things did she buy? - 12 to 14 pieces.
Oh, my God! And did she come back in many, many, many times? Yes, she did.
- Is this her favourite shop? - Yes.
What's the cool way to walk? All right.
This is the coolest way to walk.
OK, great.
- What's, like, the innest religion now? - Buddhism.
And what was the in religion, like, you know, last fall? Maybe Catholic.
We've got a charity with the show, it's to do with, like, death or dead children, I don't know.
Er, I wondered if you can do something for them, into camera? Take it away from the god of fashion.
- That's it.
- Cool.
That will make a difference.
What do you think about Hitler? He was from Austria.
Do you think he had good style? Their uniforms looked perfect.
It was never out of style.
He had style and he had a message, a bit like Christine Aguilera.
Er, yeah, I guess he did have a message.
So, if Jesus were alive today, where would he shop? Er, Jesus would probably shop on Melrose, actually.
We've got a lot of shops that have long, cool get-up yet still have that back-to-earth kind of feeling.
And what about Gandhi? Where would he shop? Gandhi was a minimalist.
I'd say he would shop downtown.
Downtown there's a lot of fabric stores, I think he'd just buy a piece of fabric, tie it with a rope and he'd be fine.
(Bruno) What is Jonathan Antin? What is Jonathan Antin? Fuck, man.
I'm just a I'm a troubled, crazy - Sure.
fucking maniac that has a lot of feelings and a lot of emotion and a lot of craziness.
Look at the evil people in the world.
Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin.
What did they all have in common? Moustaches.
There's quite a few Middle Easterners that look like him that are not totally crazy.
There are a few people with moustaches who aren't totally crazy but most of them - A little fucking nuts.
- In my experience.
Is it a coincidence that all the good people have long hair, like Jesus and like hippies and, you know, Rod Stewart, whatever.
I've done Rod Stewart's hair for a long time.
- I'll be really honest with you.
- Sure.
I'm very impressed that you've brought these issues up.
Because I've thought of them a couple of times in my career but I've never heard anyone else address them except for you.
- Thanks.
That means a lot.
- Did you write all this shit? - Yeah, I've been thinking - Dude, that's so heavy.
- I've always wondered why.
- Yeah, cos it's crazy.
- Why all the good people - Jesus and Moses.
- Yeah.
- In pictures of God Long hair! They didn't care so much about their look, they wore wraps, they grew their hair long.
Say something controversial into the camera.
You motherfuckers in the Middle East, God help you if I ever come over there, cos I'll take all you cocksuckers out.
We say in Kazakhstan a man who never kill a man is like a man without any How you say? - Is true, is true? - Er It's a strange feeling.
You have a big, er You have a big, er, hràng? Ah (Mutters) - Fairly.
Yeah, it's, um - Yes.
Not Pretty good.
Pretty good.
- I can touch? - In America, you don't, er It's not, er That's not one of our customs, you know, where you - I can touch? - Er Well, sure.
Why not? - Yes, is OK with you? - Sure.
- Is nice.
- Thank you.
Is, er, good but I have, er, seen bigger.