Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s01e06 Episode Script


America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man? (Police radio, sirens) 'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.
' What is art? I dunno but I think it has got something to do with the gays.
I is come to New York to find out more.
Check it.
What is art "now voo"? Nowvoo.
Nowvo? - Art nouveau.
- Whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
Er, art nouveau was a style, er toward the end of the 19th century.
(Ali) What is art deco? New York is an art deco city, you might say.
So what is Art Garfunkel? Art Garfunkel is Art Garfunkel, he's just a singer.
- Ain't that confusing for young people? - It would astonish me if it were.
I once painted me Julie with some chocolate body paint.
Is that art? The interesting question is not yes or no but why.
Well, I did it because I thought it would turn her on but it didn't even taste of chocolate and it looked like she'd shat the bed.
It might still have been art but it didn't do what you wanted.
- What is acting? - Oh.
Not a good question.
The camera hates "acting".
- What's this? - That's old-fashioned acting, where you're indicating, acting in quotes.
Those are quotes.
- Quotes? - Quotation marks.
- I thought they was ears.
- That's correct.
Why is it that hoes is better actors than men? Uh I should tell you, as dean of the Actors Studio Drama School, that I don't use words like "hoes" and I hate them.
- All right.
- I know it's the vernacular I hate words like "bitches".
But why is it that woman is so good at pretending to be upset? Like, "Oh, Ali, you has forgotten me birthday! "Oh, you has slept with me best friend!" You know, crying.
Has you ever met Robert De Niros? - Robert De Niro was on my show.
- Whoa! He is the bomb, man! He is so good! Robert De Niro is a genius.
- Has you've seen Analyze This? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, him doing his thing! I've had them both on my show.
What does he say? "No, you, you, you.
No, you.
You," to the other one with the beard who ain't that good.
You asked about the Actors Studio.
Go see Taxi Driver.
- Is it better than Analyze This? - Yes.
Has you ever cried watching a movie? - Of course.
I'm a pushover.
- You has cried? (Laughs) What are you laughing at? I cry if I'm moved.
Does you want to redo that bit? You don't want them to know that.
- You're gonna? - Has you ever cried? You're gonna call me a fifi boy for crying in a movie? It is a bit over the hill and round the bend.
Jesus, no.
Jesus, no! Has you ever interviewed Shakespeares? - William Shakespeare? - No doubt.
He died about 400 years ago.
No, he ain't, cos I has seen him at - On the telly? - No, on the theatre.
The school made us go to see William Shakespeare.
You saw somebody playing Shakespeare.
I didn't like it and me left after half an hour.
Well, they chucked me out cos I was shining one of them laser pens on Shakespeare's head.
- But - Respect.
Shame on you.
(# East European folk-pop) (Borat) Did the premier Bush come from south? (Woman) Yes, George Bush is from Texas.
- Ah, is good! - And I went to school with Barbara Bush at Ashley Hall here.
- Barbara Bush? - Yes.
"Bush" in Kazakhstan We laugh when we hear the name, because bush mean the hair around er, the testes satchel.
And, er, Barbara, we say in Kazakhstan mean "to eat"! So it is like Barbara Bush is to eat the hair from a testes satchel! Is good.
This is the spring house.
- Go on in! - Hello.
This is a very ancient kind of tool.
But it is a shame now to use this primitive tool.
We now have a machine, it can chop wood, er without man.
OK, you have to understand what we're about.
This is the 18th century, OK? - I am a historic interpreter.
- You are a slave? I am not.
I am a historic interpreter.
I am a museum educator.
- Can I buy you? - No, I'm afraid you can't.
In Kazakhstan, we think USA very technology, very good and now I see is very primitive.
This is 200 years ago.
We are not in the year 2002 here.
We are This is a time machine back to the year 1750 or 1760.
You make a time machine? - Can you please explain to him? - I'm trying hard.
He keeps telling me about buying a slave.
We don't do that! - It hasn't been done since 1865.
- This is a historic site.
Do you understand what that is? This is an outdoor museum.
I like you.
Do you like me? I'm not sure! We're gonna see the milking of a cow now.
- This is a man or a woman? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - I think it's a woman.
It is not so clear.
How do we find out? - I'll find out.
- Find out.
Why do you throw the milk away? I think it was given some medicine so it's not fit to drink.
Oh, all right.
I'm not really sure.
- What is it? - A woman.
You think it's a woman? It is not so clear.
Do they always have girls like you milking the cows? - Yes.
- Mm-hm.
But why is she wearing clothes like a man? Cos they all do when working here.
- She is, er - No, she's not! (# Kazakh disco rock) - Chinqui.
- How are you doing there, Borat? Good.
- You are a cowboy? - Yep.
- You are a cowboy? - I'm a cowboy.
- High five! Down low! - (Laughs) Too slow! - Swing at the steer.
- Wawaweewa! - Swing in big circles.
- Yes.
Like this.
- Yes.
- See? - Yes.
- You got it now? - Yes.
- OK, I'm gonna turn it loose.
Keep it going.
- You OK? - I'm OK.
Then you have to throw it at the steer.
(# Kazakh disco rock) How many, er punch punch you take to a cow before it fall? Me, er, is eleven my record.
No, I hit a goat one time.
Never hit a cow.
I once, er, carry a woman against her will for near one mile.
- You did? - Yes.
He carried a woman against her will for one mile.
- Really? - Why did you do that? - To show her my home.
- Oh, OK.
Did she like it when she got there? - Yes.
She my wife now.
- She's your wife now? I have a wife.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- You want to see her picture? - Yes.
- Yes.
(Borat) This is her.
(Woman) Oh, she's pretty.
- Yes.
- She couldn't come with you? - Did you know that was in there? - Yes! My wife! Is not for lady to see.
That's more of your wife than I wanted to see! - My wife.
- Oh, this is your wife? Wow.
Don't be lookin' at all those pictures.
Huh? Whoo, geez.
(Borat) Yes.
She is a nice.
Well, she's nice, son.
Yes, she's nice.
Do not show your wife.
Booyakasha, check this out, yo.
I is here with my main woman, Naomi Wolf.
She be well important feminist and has like written nuff books about that kind of stuff.
Do you think that women should have equal rights in the workplace? Yeah.
Do you? Ain't there the problem that if they get them there then they is gonna start asking for them at home? Yeah.
And what's wrong with that? Research has shown - this is my favourite statistic - that the most erotic thing a man can do for a woman - is the dishes, is housework.
- The dishes? - After she's had a child.
- I thought it was the figure of eight.
- When you - Oh! - Well, that's good before - Cos that is what I use, baby.
All right, then, no offence but if you is so equal, how come even the things you claim you is better at men at, like cooking, you know, you ain't? Who says women are better cooks? All the best chefs in the world is men, like Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald, them is a million times better than Wendy.
Yes, very good question.
I never claimed women are better cooks than men, the great chefs have all been men.
(# Hip hop, scratching) Hear dis! Hear dis, boy! Do you reckon now that women has got more job h'opportunities than men? No, I do not.
Cos you has got all the lap dancers, all the bitch the woman in the rap videos, whatever, strippers, you know.
Countries in eastern Europe are collapsing and women like me - For real.
have to sell sex in order to - For real.
look after their children.
But if you did, you would make loads.
I hope you never have to.
Well, thank you for the compliment, I appreciate that cos I'm almost 40, so that's nice that I could possibly take to the streets.
But let me tell you, honestly, how would you feel if you had to sell sex, your sex? What, if people paid me for sex? - No, honestly.
- Wicked, man.
- I would be there every day.
- Yeah, right.
I would be at the office 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 3-6-9.
Would you call a woman a bitch? Would you say "You're my bitch" and expect her to feel respected? With me Julie I has got a girlfriend and I do sometimes call her me bitch but, you know, in the bedroom them words come out and she ain't got a problem with it.
Mm-hm, OK.
Um gee, I'm kind of speechless.
Not a bitch, I is calling her my bitch.
I'm sorry, OK.
"My bitch.
" OK.
Um, you know, I guess we're speaking at cross-purposes because I'm so offended by this I can't even tell you.
So diggety-check yourself before you wreck yourself because I is here with four people who has all thought about something called religion.
How powerful is God? I think there is a power.
Uh I think most people at some point experience that power, they draw upon something that seems larger than themselves.
Can God do better stuff than David Blaines? You're asking God to make square circles.
God can't do impossible things.
There've always been magicians and there always will be and some of them claim to be really producing magic.
So ain't God just like an over-hyped David Blaines? No.
And a lot of people would find that suggestion very offensive.
Yo, sorry.
If God has got all these amazing powers, why don't he flex it every day? If you has got it, flaunt it.
Me mate Dave's got a nine-incher, he gets it out all the time.
God should be showing his powers.
Let's talk about this man, the main man, the mack daddy of the Christian thing.
- What was his name again? - Jesus Christ.
Why did Jesus go round with all them reindeers? I'm not sure I've seen the same images you've seen, I think you're confusing him with Santa Claus.
So does Jesus really exist? Or is it just your father dressed up? Yes, Jesus exists as the second person of what we believe to be the Triune God.
Is it true that he was born in a stable? It's possible he was born in those kind of simple circumstances, - no room in the inn, that sort of thing.
- There was no room in the Well, that's cos it was Christmas, innit? (Ali) Let's talk about marriage.
Would you ever marry a Jewish girl? I've chosen not to marry.
I've chosen - Just to play around? a celibate life.
So how many months has you been celibate? - 52 years.
- So you ain't done it for That's right.
That's right.
And I can tell you, there's more to life than sex.
Would you, as a gesture of bringing us together, marry her? There are other ways of doing that than marriage.
What if she was a bit fitter? Would you consider marrying her then? I am considering marriage not at all.
People out there see people who is meant to be religious behaving in an unreligious way.
Ain't it hypocriticalist that so many nuns also work part-time as strippers? Well, I don't think you can demonstrate that statistically.
- Yo - That's an absurd statement.
No, it ain't.
I has been at my mate Ricky C's 21 st and there was this nun that came in and ten minutes later she had her babylons out and was whipping shaving cream off his batty.
You said so many nuns work as strippers and then you say this one.
She said her name was Sister Fister.
Was it part of her act or really who she was? I would prefer that you move off this topic because I find it offensive.
It's not documented by any evidence.
- I has got a video of it.
- It's hearsay.
It's hearsay.
Yo, so me just wanna say big up all yourselves, respect.
This has been well interesting.
It's been deep, it's been everything, at times it has been boring.
But that's life, innit? And that's deep.
Keep it real.
And you lot out there, listen up to what has been said and think about it for yourself.
'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.
' (# Fast techno) Vassup? Being gay is the new coolest thing so that's why I've come to the gayest part of America, Alabama! Go, Alabama! Go! Go! Go, Alabama! Go! Go! Go, Alabama! All right.
(Jeering) (Crowd booing) You're embarrassing all 85,000 people here! Get off our field! I'm just dancing! Jetzt bin ich hier What's your name? - What? - What's your name? Shaud Williams.
Shite? Shaud.
- Shaud? - Shaud Williams.
So Shaudie, what position do you play? I play running back.
So what do you say to the people who see you are so powerful in your physique, have powerful thighs and pectoral muscles, and wonder what your Schwanzenstück is like? Uh, I don't know.
I've never been put in that situation.
Are you allowed to date other members of the team or do you have to wait till the season is over? What? No, there's nobody on the team like that.
So you must realise that you have many fans out in Austria.
They just would do anything to spend the night with you.
What do you say to those guys? I'm not gay so I'm not gonna spend any night with any guy, so So do you have a message to Austria's gay community? Yeah, I'm not gay, so don't come looking for me.
What does freedom mean to you? Freedom means being able to do and say what you want without government looking over you, without its hand in your pocket, - the Jewish hand in your pocket.
- Yes.
- Now in Austria, the government is run - By Jews.
Freedom in Austria is a lot about being able to walk down the street with my boyfriend, just holding hands without people staring at us.
Is that what you're campaigning for? I'm not too hot on your right to hold hands with your boyfriend but what you do in your home, as long as you stay away from my kids, I have no problem with what you do.
You try to recruit my kids in any way, then you would have a problem with me.
So, Clay, you've got a very manly look.
- When did you get to be so cute? - When I was born.
You are so good-looking and don't you know it? I like women.
Thank you, anyway.
- So you are bi? - No, I'm not bi.
And I'm not gay.
And if you're going to speak on that subject, you can take a hike.
You're not my type.
Is it because I'm too fat? - No.
- But is it what I? - I've been jetlagged, I look - Interview's over.
You wanna be a professional, be one, don't be some fucking fag.
Me has got one other request which me would love you to do.
Me wanna get all, like, respected people to do two lines of a rap.
So I has written something like that.
"Word up, me name be James Lipton" I spelt it wrong.
"Givin' mad props" You know mad props is? Respect.
- Yeah, I know.
- "mad props to Shakespeare.
"Check it, just cos you like acting" That's to them out there.
"it don't mean you is a queer.
" No.
I'm gonna do another one.
(Beatboxing) Yo, you out there, now listen to me! Just do like me and my bro the MC Think my friends, consider, reflect Give mad props to the world Translation - respect Ch-ch-chk! Fresh!