Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s02e01 Episode Script


Why's ya licky licky ya wanga got.
Respek is important.
But the sad thing is, there's so little respek left in the world that if you look up the word behind me in the dictionary, you'll find it's been taken out.
So if this show teach you anything, it should teach you how to respek everyone.
Animals, children, bitches, spasmos, mingers, lessers, fatty bum-bars, and even gaylords.
So to all you lot watching this, but mainly to the normal people, respek, westside.
No diggity, check this out, I is with none other than my main man, sam donaldson.
Him be the boss man of a.
And today we is chatting about the media.
Let's talk about when the media actually changed events in politics.
Does you remember when the 2 journalists brought down the government over the scandal of waterworld? Well, watergate here.
Well, I think it's waterworld, innit? You're just confusing it with stargate.
Well, are you talking about when we had a president named nixon? For real.
And there was a burglary at a complex called watergate.
There ain't no connection between this and the bloke from dances with wolves? No, that's where I thought you were going.
Waterworld oh, for real.
Is a very bad movie yo.
In my estimation.
Yo, yo, yo, no doubt.
Why don't they make that clearer to young people? That's what we're doing.
That's what you're doing.
What is bias? We all have biases, meaning we have an idea of the way things are, without reference to what we actually can see.
So how does you stop journalists putting little words in that is hints of how dem actually feel? Like say, "yo, today, president bush, who is a dong, talked about the economy.
" Would they be allowed to say that? Well, you could say that, but if I were your boss, I'd fire you.
But how does you stop the journalists giving over their opinions, just by their body language, saying, "yo, today, president bush" And then going, "spoke to the vice president" You know, and then If you did that, I'd fire you.
I couldn't stop you, but I'd fire you, and you wouldn't be on the next day, going No! So has a journalist ever been fired for being biased and doing things like that? I don't know of an american journalist who's done things like that.
So, what does you do when there ain't nothing that's happened in the news that day? There's always something that happened.
But if it's a bit of a boring day for news, does you sometimes make a headline on the newspaper saying, "war begins.
" Well, if there's no war that begins, but you say, "war begins," aight.
No one's gonna buy your newspaper the next day 'cause they'd be onto the fact that you don't know what you're talking about.
But you can always put on page 2, "war begins with a 'w'.
" Or that is how you spell it, isn't it? Yeah.
For real, so you ain't lying.
But people would Everyone would buy your paper 'cause no one else is reporting on this.
"Yo, so let's get the one with all the war thing in it.
Oh, it begins with a 'w.
' I knew that.
But let me read some other things.
" So does people get their news now more from telly or from newspapers? Television, in this country.
Ain't the problem with newspapers that after about a week, the news is well out of date? Oh, they are.
You buy a newspaper every day to find out what the latest news is.
Well, you don't need to buy it every day.
What do you mean, you don't need to buy it? You don't need to do anything for real.
Except pay taxes and die.
Yo, well, you don't always have to pay taxes.
I know, I I But that's Is this a confession right now? No, no, no.
Should I call the law? No, no, no, 'cause I I don't, because of, uh It's a complicated thing.
I can't really chat about it here, whatever.
Yo, so let's talk about Call the law.
Go ahead.
Yeah, no, don't.
In the u.
And a.
, very rich people like to drink wine.
It is like kazakhi wine, but not made from fermented horse's urine.
I go to meet mississippi gentlemen to find more.
Hi, welcome to jackson Nice to meet you.
Thank you, welcome to jackson, mississippi.
Thank you.
In tasting wines, there's 3 Uh, 3 things that you watch and enjoy.
One is the color of the wine, you see how nice the color of this is? And then next thing is the aroma.
You smell the product.
Hold it.
Hold it by the stem.
Yeah, the proper way is right here.
He's gonna let you do this one.
Here, let me, let me.
Just do Touch it, like I did.
Here, why don't you taste it? That's the proper way to taste.
Grab the bot Glass like that.
Is a glass a cup? Yeah, it's a cup, ok.
Uh, grab that, and This? No, the glass The cup.
Take the glass.
Take the cup.
No, no, no, take the cup.
You take it.
Take take it.
You take it.
No, you.
There you go.
You take it.
You hold it.
You hold it.
Yeah, there, hold it.
You hold it.
Ok, now.
Don't hold it up here.
It makes it hot.
The proper way is like this.
If you See his fingers? Like this.
You want me to taste? No, you go taste that one, I'm gonna taste this one.
You want me take this? Mmm-hmm.
Just grab it like this.
Here we are.
No, I'm not going to hold it for you.
Here, taste it.
This one.
This one.
Yes? This? He has a cold.
You may catch his cold.
No, no, no, here.
No, no, no.
You, you drink.
Ok, yours.
Come on.
Ok? Ok.
I win! What is this? This is a zinfandel.
Ah, 2002.
That's That's when it was made.
That's when it was made.
Yes, is the year my wife died.
Oh, it is ? 2002? Nice wine, I like.
Yeah, you like? Cheers.
In a kazakhstan sometime Mmm.
1, 2, 3 Ain't that nice? Nice! Pour him a little in this one right here.
Notice how he pours it, how gently he's pouring the wine.
It that it Turns the bottle.
It helps the wine to gently pour it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, robert.
You're welcome.
He is your slave? No, no, no, not a slave.
He is his slave? No, no, he's not a slave at all.
We we don't have slaves here anymore.
Yes, I hear you do not have No, no, no.
Why you stop? No, well, it's it's a law that was passed that, uh, they no longer can be used as slaves.
It is a shame.
Which is a good thing.
It is a good thing for them.
But But not so much for you.
Right, right.
You would like very much my sister.
She is a beauty queen of almaty.
You want to see a picture? Yes.
You want to see a picture? Yes.
Oh, my You will like her very much.
She want to move to u.
And a.
How about that? Wowee! She would want to very much you.
She would like you very much.
She is beautiful.
Wow, wow, wee, wow.
How about that? She is nice.
Beautiful young lady.
That's not your We make a joke! We pretend to be husband and wife! We pretend to be husband Oh, my goodness! She's crazy fun, she like You would like to meet? I think he would.
You are my best friend.
Well, we Do you like me? Yes, we do.
And we hope we're your friends.
I like you.
I like you.
My mother She never loved me.
Really? She never loved me.
I bet she did, you just didn't Oh, no.
It showed in a different way.
No, she tell me sometimes, she wish she was rape by someone else.
No kidding.
That I was never born.
She probably just You must, uh, give me hug.
She never hug me.
She never hug me.
Oh, she didn't She never hug me, you will hug me, I love you.
Hold me tight.
Hold me tight.
Hold me tight.
You're an all right guy.
Hold me tight.
You're right on.
I love you, too.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Very good.
See you.
You smell so good! You smell so good.
Oh, really? Why you smell? It's my skin.
I've got some real delicate skin.
It smells like this.
What an honor to meet you.
We look forward to seeing you again.
My mike sounds nice, check one.
Check it out! I is here with none other than my main man, daryl gates.
Him was the chief of los angeles police.
What was it like being the head of the n.
? Not n.
, l.
Well, you say tomato, I say potato.
I think that's a language thing, innit? Yeah, l.
, los angeles police department.
Is new york police department.
Is it true in l.
There's loads of cebrilities? Oh, yes, celebrities.
Yes, lots of celebrities.
Was there any famous people that your police had to arrest? Well, I'm sure you saw the o.
Simpson Oh, for real.
He he's the I've seen him on the telly.
He he was the one that was accused of killing his wife.
But ain't it wrong for the police to start getting involved in murders on a cartoon.
Surely what the simpsons do Oh, no.
It's just like, uh, it's It's make-believe, you know? Oh, you're you're talking about different simpsons.
I'm talking about a a man, a real man, who was He killed marge.
Yeah, no, a a real man.
He's called o.
Yo, so is drugs a real problem? Drugs in the united states has been a problem for many, many years.
Has you ever heard of people swallowing connies full of drugs? Oh, sure, sure.
How long does it take for the connie usually to come out the other end? Well, uh It depends on how long it takes you.
Would you be concerned if it hadn't come out 8 and a half days after the geezer had swallowed it? If it didn't come out within, uh, 48 hours, I think they'd be very concerned.
If someone is trying to get it out and prunes and dates ain't working, what should they try? They'd probably try castor oil, something Milk of magnesia, castor oil, something All right, wicked.
Yo, check it out! You has heard the words of my man, chief bill gates.
Him has shown that crime ain't something that you should do.
It something that you should don't.
# a little crime # # a little crime # so what is we going to do today? I'm going to take you around and show you some of the areas where we've had a lot of gang violence.
Some of our more urban areas here in the washington, d.
Is signs an important thing in gangs? Absolutely.
A hand sign is a way for gang members to communicate with each other.
What does "stacking" mean? "Stacking" means gang members using hand signals to identify themselves, and to talk to each other, and to identify to other gangs what crew or what gang they're with.
I think I might have seen someone doing that.
'Cause at me hotel, there was this, like, middle-aged man and woman, and they was obviously gang members 'cause they was throwing up gang signs to each other for about an hour.
Are you sure they're not deaf and talking to each other? What? You know what I'm saying? Maybe they're hearing-impaired and they couldn't they were just hand signing.
Like someone who's deaf.
They was doing all that.
I didn't know the gang sign.
But literally not a word for an hour.
Well, it's possible that they were just deaf.
So is there a massive deaf gang? Uh, no.
No, not that I know of.
Is it dangerous for people to do shadow puppets in the ghetto? You do the wrong thing anywhere, you make the wrong sign or something like that, and somebody perceives it as something bad, they're going to take action.
For real.
'Cause in the u.
, you only do, like, that one, and whatever the the crocodile Whatever, but could that lead to getting shot? Uh, it could, depending upon where you are and what neighborhood, sure.
Can you do the one that looks like a girl's Which one's that? You know, if your put your hands like that.
Put your hands like that.
Oh, that one.
Then have a look in there.
I've seen that one.
Look exactly like it.
You know what I'm saying? It look exactly like it! That ain't a gang sign, though, is it? No.
# I need the a.
# # I need the a.
, oh, boy! # so what does a.
Stand for? Alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives.
And what else does you sell? Uh We don't sell anything.
All right, for real.
What we do what we do here is provide a product for police officers worldwide.
The explosion detection capability with the dogs.
How many people works in the different branches? Right here at the center here, we have 23 people assigned here to take care of the, uh, canine training.
Why does you use canines? Wouldn't it be more better to use dogs? Right, well, "dog" is just a slang term for the canine.
But you use mainly dogs, or does you use mainly canines? In the united states, "canine" and "dog" is kind of an interchangeable word.
All right, for real.
Most of the dogs we get are black in color.
We do get some yellows, and, rarely, we get some chocolate-colored ones, too.
Ain't that a bit racialist, getting mainly black dogs to do this? Oh, not at all.
That's just a part of the labrador retriever uh, breeding.
The black dogs are predominant.
But ain't it a bit racialist, saying: "All right, this is dangerous work, let's get the brothers in to go and find the bombs.
" No, that has nothing to do with that.
Why does you choose dogs to decide where bombs is? Why don't you choose a more intelligent animal, like a dolphin? Again, that would be quite difficult to have a, uh, a fish tank on a cart.
But I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish.
They is like us, they is mammaries.
Correct, but they have to get back to a water source every now and again, and That's where they see the The extent of work you'd have to go into, versus a dog, um And then again, I don't know how good their sense of smell is compared to a dog.
Dogs are proven.
They've been used for a lot of years because of their phenomenal sense of smell.
So why does they stick their noses so close to each other's butty? Dogs, they give out, um, different, uh, scents to let the other dogs know what's going on.
That's why they're constantly smelling each other.
Of course, I once smelled a dog's ass, and it was horrible.
Why does they do it? Different perception, though.
Um, something that's unpleasant to you isn't unpleasant to them.
Has you ever smelled a dog's ass? Can't say I have.
This is dabby.
What? This is dabby.
And this is john.
Dabby? The dog's name is dabby.
All right, safe.
When they actually find a bomb, how long does it take the dog to defuse it? The dog has nothing to do with that.
The only thing that we use the dogs for, uh, what we train the dogs for, is to locate what we call a suspicious item.
For real.
Where does you get the dogs from? We get the dogs from different guide dog agencies.
Aye, so does you interview the dogs, or does you get, like, one of the senior dogs to do it? Um, the different trainers actually will go up and will evaluate the dogs.
Why don't you use one of the dogs who's been here for, like, years to interview them? 'Cause they would know whether it is good or bad.
Right, right.
Well, we we like to send Our dogs are busy, they're out looking for explosives, so they don't have the time to go up there and interview the other dogs, so we do it ourselves.
So can these dogs smell drugs? No.
Thank god.
Not at all.
Yo, respek you're safe.
What ? Why? How does you know? You said, "thank god.
" What, I said that out loud? Yeah.
I I don't have anything on me.
You're all set.
Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up 9 minutes.
1,400 feet, still looking very good.
# crank it up! # so, jetzt bin ich hier mit dem pastor quinn.
So I'm here with pastor quinn.
Hi, so tell me, tell me about yourself.
What do you do? Yes, I'm a pastor, pastor of a local church here in little rock, arkansas.
And I also am married, and my wife's name is beth, and we have 8 children.
Great, and tell me about the stuff that you're doing, saving gay people.
Well, we have opportunity In fact, right now, I am teaching through the the book of romans.
And that's in the new testament.
And in the book Great, I love romans.
Yes, and in the book of romans, in chapter 1, there is actually a mention of homosexuality.
So why is being gay so out this season? Well, I think because there are people who find homosexuality to be repugnant to them.
I think I may be becoming a little bit gay because I had sex with this brazilian guy, like, really, really cute, and, like, immediately after that, I was spritzen, I was immediately abstehen, immediately afterwards, and ready to go again.
What do you think that means? Well, I think, if in fact, you did have a sexual relationship with another man of the same sex as yourself, then that's a homosexual act.
And it could be just one act, or it could be a whole series of acts.
No, a lot many.
And and that means that you are involved in homosexuality.
I'm curious about becoming straight, but I've got a few questions first.
So, will I still be able to hug men? Of course.
It's a hug of affection, because we're brothers and sisters in christ, with no sexual connotation whatsoever.
So, hypothetically, according to you, I can admire a man's penis in the shower, but the moment I put it in my mouth, some sort of line has been crossed.
Well, a-again, that's putting sexual connotations that is forbidden by god's word.
After I'm converted, could I choose to spend my life with a chick with a dick? Uh, you're talking about someone who's had some kind of operation? Yeah.
He's almost all the way there, but he's just got a little something to remind me of the good old days.
Well, I would say, again, the issue is if a person has come out of a lifestyle in which they've had physical changes through an operation, again, you have to know what their heart is.
Let's talk about you for a moment.
So, how many years have you been straight? I've been straight all my life.
What? I've never had a homosexual relationship.
So, what, you've never had a walk on the brown side? Never.
So if I were to give you a lap dance, right here and now, you're telling me you wouldn't be turned on? Absolutely not.
Because it's forbidden by the word of god.
Ok, can I try it? No.
Are you scared that you'd be turned on? No, I-I'm a christian minister and it's absolutely inappropriate.
So if freddie prinze, jr.
Crawled in here now on all fours, are you telling me you wouldn't want to undress him? The book of job says, in a verse, that job would not put any worthless thing before his eyes, and that he would not look upon a virgin.
So let's go through some things that would be ok and not ok.
If they're ok, just say, "ach, ja.
" If they are not ok, than say, "that's a nicht-nicht.
" So: Showering with a friend.
"Ach, ja" or a "nicht-nicht"? Absolutely not.
It's forbidden by god's word.
Which one is it, "nicht-nicht" or "ach, ja"? Nicht-nicht.
So, watching will and grace? It's ungodly.
Being fabulous? What does that mean? You know, just being fabulous.
That's That's nicht-nicht because corinthians 1:6 says that's an effeminate lifestyle.
That's forbidden by god's word.
Eating brunch? If you're eating brunch with christian friends and there's no one else around that's gonna seduce you into sin, it's ok.
It's a It's a Ach, ja.
Eating very, very chocolaty stuff all the time? If in fact you are doing it because that's a part of a homosexual lifestyle, nicht-nicht.
If you're eating a chocolate dessert after a meal, and you're doing it with the fellowship of christian friends, ach, ja.
# crank it up! # you look like premier brezheian brezhnev, but more good.
More good, right, I hope so.
Very, uh, good man, not just in the head.
Head, nothing, heart The heart is the important thing.
Heart everything.
My name is sam donaldson, and I got a message for you.
News ain't just for the white man, it's for the bros and sisters, too.
"Mad props to the hood, yo.
" Mad props to the hood, yo.
What in god's name is this? Respek.