Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s02e02 Episode Script


(Whirring) (Buzzing) (Snapping) (Thudding) (Screeching) (Clinking) (Motor roaring) (Hammer rattling) Keep it real.
(Snapping) Booyakasha.
West staines massive in da house, all right? This program is being beamed by satrellites all over the world.
There's probably some people watching this now who ain't never even seen a black man before.
That's why I has got a message to spread.
I has a dream of little black girls and little white girls playing with each other.
Let's make it happen.
Check this out.
The election in america is a well important thing.
So you better understand the politics of it.
That's why I's here with none other than my main man, mr.
Patrick buchanan.
So you better listen up and rekognize.
So how long was you president for? Zero.
What? I didn't make it.
I failed.
Ain't there the problem if you have an election every however many years, if someone don't tell the whole truth, you's got them for, like, 4 years, innit? If the people make a mistake, they have to live with it for 4 years, or they get their congress to throw the president out.
But sometimes people lie to get in.
Like when me went to me interview for mcdonald's in staines, me said that me would work well hard.
But the moment me got in there, me was eating, like, 15 mcchicken sandwiches a day, and selling a bit of a little bit of me ganja on the side.
And them only actually chucked me out when them found me wearing the ronald mcdonald costume, oh.
Boning me julie in the box.
Here's what you do, though.
When you're there then, your your organization has rules whereby they can throw you out.
We have rules whereby you can throw out the president.
(World beat music playing) Does you think that religion should be taught in schools? Uh, if it's voluntary, yes.
If it's mandatory, no.
Does you think there's a way for people to make the way them teach religion more interesting? Yes.
The movie the passion of the christ Aye.
Is a very effective teaching tool, I think.
I heard that it ain't as good as lethal weapon 3.
No, I think it's slightly better than lethal weapon 3.
Ain't it basically a bit of a rip off of gladiator? No, it's not at all.
It's like that kind of thing, innit? No, no, it's about the death and crucifixion of christ.
Ain't you scared, though, that because it's made so much cash, him will make a sequel and it won't be as good like you know, have the bloke come back to life, whatever? (World beat music playing) What else is the election gonna be fought on this year? It'll probably be about iraq.
Does you think that saddam's ever was able to make these weapons of mass destruction or as they's called, b.
Ts? The was saddam able to make them? Could he make b.
Ts? Yes, at one time he was using b.
Ts on the kurds in the north.
Was it worth fighting a war over b.
Ts? I don't think saddam hussein and iraq were a threat to the united states, even if they had w.
Ds or b.
Ts, as long as they weren't nuclear weapons.
If you had the evidence that saddam had these b.
Ts in his house, would you have said, "yes, attack"? Not unless he had If he had anthrax, if he had mustard gas.
Whatever you put in them.
No, no, if he had mustard gas, no.
Let's say it didn't have mustard, and the b.
Ts, just was plain, would you have been able to go in there then? No.
Is it ever worth fighting a war over sandwiches? Is it ever worth fighting a war? Um, yes.
If you becomes president again, what will you do? I would change the whole country dramatically, and that's why I'm not going to be president.
Yo! (Laughing) Yo for real! I was feeling that, man! Yo.
Yo, is you mashed or something? You's like so giggly.
Well, I'm, uh You had a little puff before? No, yeah, I had a little puff before, sure.
Respek, yo! You needs a bit of some of me own imports? We'll talk business after.
Yo, so listen, all you lot out there! You better listen up to the words of my man buchanan, 'cause him know 'nuff things about america and the election.
Listen up, word up, keep it real, westside.
Big up yourself.
(Police radio chattering) (Police sirens wailing) (World beat music playing) Yekshemesh.
Democracy is very different in u.
And "a" from kazakhstan.
In america, woman can vote, but horse cannot.
I go to help a republican party candidate win election.
(World beat music playing) Uh, hello, uh, thank you to speak me.
Thank you.
Thank you for letting me come on.
Do you have a policies? One of my main policies is that I'm pro-life.
I believe human life should be protected.
I feel very strong about this because in kazakhstan, my brother billo, he have a child born with a hair all over face and the nose, on the arms, hair, everywhere hair.
And, uh, his wife say, "throw him.
" And I say, "no, keep him.
" Hmm.
And now he make them very much money in he travel around the country in a tent.
People pay money to see children like him and other Strange ones.
Hmm, well, I'm glad that The choice was made for life.
(Both) Yes.
Uh, in kazakhstan, we like the family, but there are now some men who pretend to be married, but in secret, they do a bang, bang, bang in other men anus.
What do you call them here? Uh, we call it "homosexual.
" So which is the party of the homosexuals? They tend to go to the democratic party.
Uh, what else your policy? Well, I'm a christian.
I've been a christian Nice, I like.
Since I was about 8 years old, I guess.
Um, I want to go, uh, to, uh, this place, heaven? Uh, which religion must I choose to go there? The christian bible says that jesus christ is the only way to heaven.
If people choose, uh, the jews, will they go heaven or hell? (Sighing) Well, um, I would have to say that they would go to hell.
(World beat music playing) Hello.
I'm james broadwater.
I'm running for united states congress in district 2.
Is your husband at home? We want to speak to somebody who can vote.
That's it, just me.
You can vote? But you are a woman.
All women can vote.
I wouldn't like it if I couldn't vote.
Yes, why? Because I feel like I'm equal with a man.
I don't want a man (Laughing) Deciding what's best for me.
Uh, but the woman not equal to a man.
Uh, no, in kazakhstan, we say, uh, uh, god, uh, man, a horse, a dog, and then a woman, then a rat, and then a small cretzouli like a little (Clicking tongue) Yes.
I'm running for united states congress in district 2.
Uh, he is a strong man.
He will crush his opponents and he will be, uh, powerful like, uh, stalin, uh, and not tolerate people who are bad.
Well, actually, I wouldn't compare myself to stalin, but Will you vote for my friend? Well, I probably will, but I don't ever tell people who I'm gonna vote for before I vote.
If you do not vote for him, he will take power.
Hmm, oh, well, it depends on whether he gets enough votes or not.
If you vote for him, he will make sure that you and your family will have a very good years.
But if you do not vote for him, you will be sorry.
Ok, I hear you.
Yes? I hear what you say.
I will not leave until you swear on the eyes of your child that you will vote for him.
See, we don't We don't do that.
We don't That's not the way we do things in america.
Do you have any particular points on which you're running? People in mississippi, on average, pay 31 percent of their income in taxes every year.
And I think we can do a whole lot better than that.
That would be nice.
I think it'd be good for all of us.
Sorry to interrupt the politic, uh Uh, please, it's possible make a shit to your house immediately.
Very urgent, I have problem, please.
Excuse me? Is it possible make a shit to your house now? I have You want to use the restroom? Yes, please.
Very urgent.
Have some Thank you.
Thought we wouldn't stay very long in mississippi, but it's been a pretty nice place to live.
Well, great.
Great success.
I believe family is very important.
Uh, mr.
Broadwater do not, uh, have never been ever with a man.
Is correct? That's correct.
And never ever, even as a child, or, experiment with lady boy, nothing.
Uh, is true, yes? I'm not lying.
Uh, we say in kazakhstan, "a man who go to power must have a big" How you say? Uh, how you say, hram, hram? How you say, hram? You could say it lots of different things.
How you say here? Yeah.
Uh, technically, it would be "penis.
" Uh, no, not Under, under.
Yes, uh, he have a very big testicles.
Um, do you want to touch? Do you want to show him? I'm sorry, I think that's entirely inappropriate.
You know? Why? That is not not a customary thing here in the united states at all.
No, not at all.
You can touch me.
I do not mind.
I really don't want to.
(World beat music playing) I would like to learn from how to make a speech.
Uh, the biggest thing about speeches is to know your audience, know who you're talking to, and know what they care about.
(Borat) As everyone know, today is the 14th year anniversary of a tishnik massacre.
So please now, I ask you to stand and give them respect.
Please, we will have 10 minute silence.
Thank you.
Is it good to give a compliments to audience? Uh, yes, it's always good to give a compliment to the audience, but it needs to be a sincere compliment.
It needs to be something that that they feel comes from the heart.
I, uh, hope, uh, you all like me.
I hope, uh, you like me very much.
I would like to do a romance inside of you.
But, uh, not Only if she lets me.
Not with force.
All day long, when I see you, I think of you no clothes, wa, wa, wee, wah, but it is a very wonderful.
Thank you to meet great man.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Audience cheering) (Cameras clicking) (Man coughing) Hear me now, wag wan.
Today we be chattin' about the family.
Does you think the way we is bringing up kids is changing? Uh, yes.
We're raising them differently now.
Um, uh, some of it's great.
Some of it's not so great.
So at what age does you think parents should give their kids their first spliff? I don' think they should do that, because it's illegal in our society.
How's the kid gonna know what's good shit and what ain't? You know, I I was a drug user for almost 3 years respek, whoa.
During my Everything but a needle.
Everything else.
Does you think that parents should educate kids about sex? Yes, I do.
Um And and I think that I think that parents should, um, should answer kids' questions honestly, or even take the initiative.
So should parents invite the kids into the room while they is boning? No, no, no.
Or should they show them porno? No, no, no.
But like me dad, when me asked him about sex, him said, "yo, "you hide in that kitchen cupboard tonight at 8:00.
" Then 8:00, he brought back this honey, much fitter than me mum.
And him, like, boned her every which way while winking at me.
And, man, I still use some of them moves, like the crouching soldier or whatever.
Ain't that right? See, that that sort of incident, to me, it seems disrespectful of your mother.
So part of it No, she weren't in the house.
I actually suspect that most kids, most places in the world, learn about sex because everybody sleeps in the same bedroom.
Or from animals.
(Chuckling) How does you learn about sex from animals? Well, you could watch them having sex.
Yeah, but that's kind of weird sex.
People doing it with animals is like No, no, I'm not talking about I'm talking about, like, a dog with a dog.
All right.
Let's talk about a difficult subject, a very "tattoo" subject, relationships in the family, or as it's called, "incense.
" (Both) Incest.
(Ali g) What? Mmm-hmm.
(Ali g) Whatever.
Does you think it's wrong that a brother can never marry his sister? Yes, yes.
I do.
For real, because once, I was at me mate jazzy f's 15th birthday party.
And me didn't know she was me cousin, but there was this game where if you got locked in the cupboard, you had to bone her.
Is that ok, or did I do Insects? The definition of incest does vary a great deal from culture to culture.
But what if you's got halle berry as your sister? You know, how is you gonna stop yourself fancying her? Because if you don't fancy her, you is basically gay, innit? No.
You know, there are lots of boys who grow up with very attractive sisters and they still wanna pull their pigtails.
I mean, I is all right.
Me sister is you know, she's a dog.
Like, her body's all right, you know.
But her body's like fine and she's got, like, amazing tits, but her face is like a real brown-bagger.
So I ain't got that problem.
But is it always wrong to see your sister in a kind of sexual way? 'Cause I feel weird about it.
Like, all my mates in my hood of staines, say that she give the best blowers in the area.
But I know I should feel proud about that, but I feel but I feel weird and uncomfortable, should I? Sure, she's your sister.
You lot out there, family.
You heard the different sides, you make an opinion.
Be safe.
Keep it legal, respek.
(Man on radio) Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up 9 minutes.
(Static buzzing) 1400 feet, still looking very good.
# I lead a few # # I lead a few # # all right ? # # give me a chicken # # give me a chicken # # here me now! # easy now.
Good day.
Safe, what be your name? I'm dr.
George washington.
What? Dr.
George washington.
All right, wicked.
So does vets mainly look after sick animals? No, we do a lot of preventive medicine, reproductive work and everything.
Why was there so many sick animals in vietnam? There There wasn't that many sick animals in vietnam.
But weren't there, like, millions of vietnam vets? You're confusing terminology here.
Ok, a veterinarian is a doctor of veterinary medicine.
He's a person that treats animals.
For real.
So I is getting it.
So loads of people went to vietnam and then treated animals there? No, no, no, you're confusing the term.
I'm a veteran, but I'm also a veterinarian because I served time as a veterinarian in the military.
For real.
So why does so many of those people from the military, then later on in life want to start working with animals? They don't! They can do anything they want to.
There's no relation between a veteran of the military Aight.
And a veterinarian.
And you is? I'm both.
Oh, man, that's so confusing! I I don't understand it! So to make this clear to young people out there, people who fights in wars is called veterinarians No! People who Are called veterans.
Whatever, veterans.
People who does the animal thing is called veterinar Ve-veterans.
No, veterinarians.
Veterinarians, respek! V-e-t-e-r-I-n-a-r It's veterinarians.
When you was a kid did you know that you wanted to grow up and be a veteran? You're still confusing it.
Just just forget the word "veteran.
" All right.
How often is animals actually sick and how often is they fakin' it just so them can get a day off work? Animals aren't fakin' it to get a day off work.
But what does you do if there's, like, a knock on your door, and there's, like, a goat out there, whatever, and he says he's got flu, but you know he's lying? Does you tell the farmer? The goat doesn't talk to us.
It's the farmer that talks to us.
So is there a lot of sex diseases with animals? There are a few, but not many that's transmitted.
Is that because most animals wear connies? No.
So is you saying that the man cows just whip it out, and jizz over their babylons, or what? No.
So how does they stop getting them preggers? So is there any animals that ain't been discovered yet? There could be.
They've just found some in some of the jungles, different places that they didn't know exist.
Has you got any photos of the ones that ain't been discovered? No.
All right, what about a video or something like? Well, if you had a video, they'd have been discovered.
All right, not if they videoed themselves.
They they aren't smart enough to operate a video.
You aren't going to see that chicken there, taking a video around.
All right.
He doesn't have enough his brain is not developed enough.
Yo, man, him can hear you saying that.
Don't cuss him.
I'm not! I'm not cussing him.
I'm saying his brain is not developed enough.
He's, like, just there.
He's gonna hear you say that and be upset, innit? No, he's not.
Look at that! That's why she wanted it like this.
Oy, look at that fucking thing.
What's that? That's a chicken.
What? That thing? Is a chicken.
Is that a real animal? That's a chicken.
Check it out! Has you ever seen anything like that? Yeah.
Look at it.
He's got feathers on his feet.
(Laughing) How come him is wearing that? That's the way mother nature That's the way his genes are, he was born.
So where is, like, the tigers? This is not a zoo! This is a farm.
This is like Uh, uh This is more like a farm you would have seen Probably when I was a kid.
What about a hippototamus? Hippopo you go to the national zoo and you can see them.
What, you ain't got them either? No, this is not a zoo.
This is a farm.
You know what a farm is? Well, it's like a rubbish zoo, obviously.
Ok, I hope you learned something about animals.
Yo, me learned a lot about animals.
You have a lot to learn.
Keep it real.
(Birds chirping) Does you think that if them increase the punishment for terrorists, that less of them would do it? I don't know.
If you think people who are willing to strap bombs on themself and go into buildings, and blow themself up, I'm not sure that you can threaten them with punishment.
So what punishment does you think you should give to suicide bombers? It's very hard to do anything to a suicide bomber, they've already committed suicide.
But don't you think if you said, "if you does suicide bomb, we's gonna give you 20 years in jail", that they wouldn't do it? You mean if you blow yourself up, and you've already killed yourself, now you're gonna threaten them with jail? Hmm, think of the logic of what you just said.
It doesn't make sense.
Because Because they're dead.
"Listen up, "me name be buchanan.
"Me knows nuff tings 'bout politics.
"'Get involved, mac daddies.
"Y'all better realize "that nothing be a better way "to get yo kicks.
Westside, aye.