Dad's Army (1968) s03e07 Episode Script

- Right, platoon.
Platoon, halt! - (FEET STAMP) Right turn! All right, just fall out for ten minutes.
- Splendid church parade, Wilson.
Very smart.
- Yes, yes.
I couldn't understand why we had to march round the town first.
The church is next door.
You'd hardly expect us to nip over the wall.
Why have a church parade if you don't parade? No, but was it entirely necessary to go round the town twice? Well worth while.
The men marched well.
- Yes.
A pity poor old Godfrey had to fall out.
- He caught up with us second time round.
(VERGER) Who told you to deliver it? (MAN) I've got my orders.
- What's going on out there? - No idea.
- What's the matter, Verger? - You might well ask.
The vicar won't like this.
- He wants someone to sign for it.
- What does it say? ''A note from you, a call from us.
A date is fixed, no worry or fuss.
''A Pickford van, a gentle giant.
The work is done for a satisfied client.
'' - Gentle giant? - That's what it says here.
Well, there's a war on, isn't there? Just sign for it.
I can't hang about.
We've got six more to deliver today.
- What is it you want me to sign for? - It's got it on the chitty.
One 13-pounder.
There's a beautiful firing piece out in the yard.
- A dirty, great gun out in the yard! - The vicar's going to be furious about this.
Just sign.
- I say! Wilson, look at this.
- Oh, yes.
- By Jove! - Rather a big one, isn't it? If Hitler comes near us, we'll blow him to kingdom come.
Jones, have you any idea of how to handle this? No, sir.
We never had a firing piece like that in the Sudan.
We used to have a thing called a Gatling gun.
That was invented by an American dentist, a Mr Gatling, sir.
We used it in the Sudan.
We'd form a square with the Gatling gun in the middle.
When them fuzzy-wuzzies come curdling towards you with their blood cries, we used to duck down, up come the gun, rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat.
You had to duck down quick, otherwise you got the top of your helmet shot off.
Hence the expression, sir, ''Get your head down.
'' - Yes, all right, Corporal.
- A 13-pounder naval gun on wheel mountings.
Naval gun? We're in luck.
Frazer was in the navy.
- That's right.
Chief petty officer, I believe.
- Go and get him, and the rest of the platoon.
(WALKER) Taffy! Bring the platoon out.
See what Father Christmas has brought you! Here, look at this.
There's a sort of telescope.
- Those are the sights, Jonesy.
The sights.
- Yes, there are some sights.
Let's have a look.
There's an 'aystack as plain as your face.
Wait a minute.
There's a couple of people in it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ho-hoh! You have a look at this, Sergeant.
Ho-hoh! - It is rather unusual.
- All right, break it up.
- Is that ours, Uncle Sergeant? - Yes, of course.
- Does it make a very big bang? - Well, it's not exactly a pea-shooter.
Bangs always give me a terrible headache.
That's why I hate Guy Fawkes night.
- Sir.
- Frazer.
You've seen one of these before, eh? Oh, aye.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, yes.
Oh, aye, I have that, sir.
To us, it's a mysterious piece of machinery.
I'm sure it's like an old friend to you.
- Tell us how it works, Mr Frazer.
- Well, now, er Let me see, I'm no' I'm no' exactly quite familiar with this particular model.
One gun's very like another.
Same principle.
Oh, the principle's just the same.
- For heaven's sake, show us how to shoot it.
- (WALKER) Come on, get cracking.
Ah, well, now, you see, it's not just Not just as simple as it looks.
Now, let me think.
Aye.
The bullets come out there.
So they must go in somewhere back here.
Blimey, don't blind us with science.
- I thought you were a chief petty officer.
- I was.
Perhaps Frazer didn't have much to do with guns.
- That's right, sir.
- What DID you do? - I did all sorts of things, sir.
- Such as? - Well, mostly, I wasI was a cook.
- A cook? A cook? We always thought you was something important.
If you was at sea, would ye no' think eating was important? - You said you fought at the battle of Jutland.
- I did not.
I said I was AT Jutland.
Sailors have to eat, even in battle.
When the shells are flying, it takes a man to stay below and make shepherd's pie.
You're very much of a man, having to do with boats.
I've even felt queasy on the Serpentine.
- It's a disappointment, but we'll work it out.
- I'm sorry if I've let you down.
- No, Frazer, you've not let us down.
- No, don't worry, Taffy.
Next time there's an air raid, you can cook us a plum duff.
I nearly drove away and forgot.
This book come with it.
- I think it tells you how to make it go off.
- Oh, splendid.
Thank you very much.
Come on, don't hang about.
Quick sharp, in the van.
Here we are.
''13-pounder QF Mark 5 gun on Mark 1 mounting.
'' - Yes, it's all here.
- Oh, good.
''The gun crew consists of GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.
'' Permission to speak? I volunteer to be GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders.
Thank you, Corporal.
That's the entire crew.
Perhaps they explain it all in a later chapter.
I'll read on.
''Position for close-up.
'' Oh, close-up, sir.
That reminds me of that vicar's pantomime we did.
We had this comedy drill scene and the sergeant said, ''Close up!'' And we lifted our clothes up.
I'll bet that was hilarious (!) Let's concentrate on the matter in hand, gentlemen.
''Number 1.
The gun layer'' Ah.
GL, you see? Gun layer.
GL, yes.
''The gun layer sits at the elevating wheel.
'' I'd like to volunteer to be the gun layer, sir.
As it's a sitting-down job, it would suit me.
Yes, good idea, Godfrey.
Come on.
Get him in.
- Quick as you can.
- Mind how you go.
- And the other leg.
- Be careful with him.
- And the other leg.
Now sit down.
- Sit down here on this seat.
Righto, Godfrey.
- Godfrey.
- Oh, I I'm sorry, sir.
Now you've got him in, I should leave him for the duration.
''Number 2.
The breech worker sits on the right in line with the breech.
'' Permission to speak? I volunteer to sit in line with the breech.
- All right.
Get in.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Shall I get on it side-saddle or astride, sir? - Just get on it! Oi, Jonesy, Jonesy! Hang on, hang on.
What's the matter? Oh, blimey.
''Number 3.
The loader stands to the rear of number 1.
'' That's Godfrey.
Pike, number 3.
''Number 4.
The trainer sits at the training wheel on the right.
'' Frazer, you sit there.
''Number 5, the loader, stands in the rear of 3.
'' Walker, you be 5.
Behind Pike.
- Shall I get a shell? - Yes, get a practice shell.
''SS at the sights.
'' Now, I wonder what SS stands for? Well Sights superintendent, do you think? - Well, that'll be you.
All clear so far? - Aye, sir.
- It's not very luxurious, sir.
- It's not meant to be, Godfrey.
This is war.
''Action.
Clear away obstructions to the working of the gun.
'' Better get Jonesy out of the way for a start.
- Here, I heard that! - All right, all right.
That'll do, Walker.
- Now, next.
''Open the breech.
'' Corporal.
- Right, sir.
Right, sir.
- It's stuck, sir.
- Give him a hand, Pike.
- Here you are, Mr Jones.
- It's all gummed up, sir.
Gummed up.
All right, let me have a look.
Come out.
I'll do this.
Excuse me.
You had the safety catch on.
Always somebody ready to interfere, isn't there? - It's our gun.
- He's a troublemaker, sir.
Right.
''Breech worker reports 'bore clear'.
'' That's you, Corporal.
Right, sir.
Bore clear! Bore clear! - Bore clear - All right, all right.
Once is enough.
Now.
''The loader loads the gun and calls 'gun loaded' to the breech worker.
'' - Right.
- Thanks, Joe.
- Gun loaded to the breech worker! - No, just ''gun loaded''.
- Just gun loaded! - Pike! ''Loader should ensure his fingers are out of the breech ''when the breech worker works the breech.
'' One, two, three, four, five Good.
''When fingers are clear, he calls to the breech worker'' The corner of the page is torn away.
- Why do I say that, sir? - Say what? - ''The corner of the page is torn away.
'' - You stupid boy! Look.
We're never going to know what he calls.
How about, ''Hands away!''? This is a field gun, Frazer.
Not Ben Gunn.
Hey, listen, sir.
If he don't get his hands away in time, what about saying, ''Ouch!''? I've warned you once, Walker.
- We want something brief and to the point.
- Well, how about, ''Fingers out''? Yes, that's very good.
Fingers out.
Say that, Pike.
- Fingers out! - Good.
''Breech worker closes the breech.
'' Close the breech.
Shut up, sir! - What did you say? - Shut up, sir.
The breech is shut up.
It doesn't say anything here about saying that.
Well, I thought it was rather military.
I thought it was rather rude.
- What about, ''Once more into the breech''? - Oh, don't be ridiculous! Now ''On the order 'Fire!', the gun layer pulls his lanyard.
'' That's you, Godfrey.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Pulling my lanyard, sir.
That one down there.
- You mean you want me to make it go off, sir? - Yes, of course.
I don't think I'm quite suited to the post, sir.
Sir, I'd like to pull the lanyard.
I'd enjoy pulling the lanyard.
- You can't lean over.
What about the kick? - I can do that.
- The recoil! The recoil from the gun, man! - All right, sir.
I'll sit back a bit, sir.
- Pike, you do it.
- I can't do it.
I'm stuffing it up the breech.
Sir, as I'm not entirely overburdened with work at the moment, perhaps I should oblige.
- All right, get in.
You do it.
- My dear Godfrey, could you bear to move ? Now we all know how the gun works, don't we? Splendid.
- So we'll just have a little practice.
- All very well, sir, but what are we aiming at? Wait a minute.
You see that van driving along the coast road? That's an enemy tank.
You see? You lay on that.
I'll just work out the range and the inclination.
The range, say 700 yards.
- Godfrey, have you got the inclination? - No, I - I'm perfectly all right at the moment.
- No, no, no.
My dear fellow, no.
Look at that dial and see that it has 2 degrees on it.
All right.
Now bear to the left.
Left.
Left.
Still further round to the left.
Aim in front of the target.
And fire! - I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.
- Why not? And when I hear you call So softly to me Oh, yes.
I like that, sir.
It's much more your size.
Rather a formidable weapon.
It hurt me a bit.
Here we are.
Mr Wilson, Mr Mainwaring.
- Got the sawdust for the TEWT.
- And I've got the Spam for the TEWT.
- And I've got the toy gun.
- We've got something to shoot for the TEWT.
- We want something to put the TEWT on.
- We can use the blackout screen.
- A very good idea.
Go and get it, please.
- I will, sir.
Thank you.
Walker, give me a hand round with this table.
- What exactly is a TEWT? - Really, Wilson! Fancy asking what a TEWT is.
I wasn't here last night when you fixed it up.
- TEWT is a Tactical Exercise Without Troops.
- Oh, really? I've asked the men to bring articles to make a model of the town.
Evening, sirs.
I brought as much as I could.
- One or two things that might be useful.
- Well done, Godfrey.
- Ah, there we are.
- There you go.
- Sawdust, sir.
- Right, put it on.
- There we are.
- Splendid.
Spread it out.
Spread it out a bit.
There we go.
- There we go.
- Hello.
What's this? That's a bit of suet.
Oi! That boy Ronald's getting very careless.
I can't use that.
It's covered in sawdust.
I'll put it in the sausages.
It'll be all right.
Make a note of that, Wilson, will you? - No sausages next week.
- Right, sir.
Now, something to represent the church.
That mess tin, Walker.
Hand it over, please.
- There you go, sir.
- How about this whisky bottle for the tower? Can't you get something a little more reverent? - This tin of health salts? - That'll do.
- Mr Mainwaring, I got everything.
- Splendid.
Right, now the high street.
Those tins of Spam, Walker.
Something for the promenade.
Hymn books.
- I don't think the vicar's going to like this.
- There's a war on.
Get the hymn books.
Right.
Now Something to represent the bandstand.
What about this powder puff, sir? Oh, very well.
That'll do.
That's the bandstand.
- Now the allotments.
- Ah, this sponge.
Will that do, sir? Sponge? That sounds a good idea.
Oh, yes, splendid.
Lovely.
- Right, something for the gasworks.
- This tin of bicarbonated soda? - Yes, splendid.
- It's one and four.
Here we are.
Wait a minute.
The cricket pitch.
- Lovely, sir.
And this is the scoreboard.
- Splendid.
- What about the pier? - Sir, sir.
- Fine.
- Don't forget, sir, the pier got blown up.
Nae bother.
What are you playing at? That's my brush.
Well, what was it doing in Mrs Pike's bathroom? Well, it was my brush until I gave it to Mavis.
- Here's our gun.
Got the toy soldiers, Pike? - Yes, sir.
Good.
Good man.
Splendid.
Now, then, this knight in shining armour.
That's you, Walk Corporal Jones.
Thank you, sir.
I'm going to enjoy this.
- This highland soldier is you, Frazer.
- Great.
And then we've got Godfrey and Pike and Walker there.
Why do I have to be the one without an 'ead? They ARE my soldiers.
- Do as you're told.
- Not fair.
- I don't mind being the one who lost his head.
- Oh, for heaven's sake! I'm left with a cowboy and an Indian.
I'll be the cowboy.
You, Wilson, be the Indian.
I see.
I had a feeling I was going to be the Indian.
- Don't let's get childish.
- Not childish.
- Bring the men in.
- Right.
Would you all please come in here for a moment? This way for the TWIT.
- Look, steady on.
- Be careful, there.
Be careful.
Come along.
Gather round.
As quickly and carefully as you can.
- Lot of animals.
- All right? Now, pay attention, men.
As you realise, our fighting potential has been increased by the addition of a 13-pounder gun.
In the light of that, we must conceive our tactics on a very much broader scale.
Don't lean on the gasworks, boy.
With our main armament here, we can control the whole stretch of the coast.
Unfortunately, some obstacles are in our way.
Now, that That puff That bandstand.
That'll have to go.
Not only is it in our line of fire, but the enemy could use it as a cover for an invasion barge.
Just the sort of shabby trick the Nazis would play.
I told the town clerk it's got to go in the next 48 hours.
Don't you think you're being a bit high-handed? I know how these petty officials work, Wilson.
It's the only language they understand.
- They'll never do it in 48 hours.
Solid iron.
- I'll do it for nothing if I can keep the iron.
- Well, it's war weapons.
- We'd better leave it in official hands.
The allotments.
They'll have to be flattened.
Haud on, haud on! Them's my runner beans and tomatoes.
Ye cannae dispose o' them like that.
Think of the Dig For Victory campaign.
Be that as it may, guns before vegetables.
I've had an idea, sir.
Couldn't we leave the vegetables? When the invasion signal comes, we could rush out and pick them very quickly.
Next in our line of fire is the cricket pitch.
That scoreboard has to come down.
No, please, sir.
Please, not the scoreboard.
- I know you're captain of the club, but yes.
- Wait until the end of the season.
Unfortunately, the Nazis don't play cricket.
If they did, we wouldn't be on opposite sides now.
Now, in the event of the balloon going up, this will be our new plan of campaign.
- Have you got the armoured car, Pike? - Yes, here.
Now, put this behind Jones's shop.
Right, now, I want us all to adopt the places and positions that we would be in on a normal working day.
You go back to your shop Where are you going? Corporal! - I'm going to my shop, sir.
- Come here.
You're represented by this knight.
- Put it in the box.
- I cotton on, I cotton on, sir.
There.
- I'm in my shop, sir.
- Right.
- Frazer, you'll be in your shop.
- Aye, sir.
Walker, you'll be in yourplace of business.
And Wilson, Pike and myself in the bank.
- Where shall I be, sir? - Ah, you'd better He'll either be in the one on the front or the one in the town.
Now, let us imagine that the church bells have just gone.
- Jones, you will run out from your shop.
- Right, sir.
I run out.
Oh, blast.
I've got lost in the sawdust.
- Come along.
Pick yourself up.
- I've got hold of meself.
- Run round the back.
Start up the van.
- Num-num-num - Down the high street.
Pick up Frazer.
- Frazer, right.
- To Slope Alley, where Walker will be waiting.
- Joe, get on.
Sharp right turn, up the Eastgate Road to the church hall here.
You can't go that way.
It's a one-way street.
- Yes, we can, in an emergency.
- Num-num-num That's right.
Now, we shall run from the bank to the drill hall, like this.
Come on! You're involved.
Wilson! Get a move on.
- Won't the van pick me up, sir? - We never know where you might be.
Come on, Pike! So you'd better make your own way there.
Now, the rest of the platoon will get here as quickly as they possibly can.
Let us assume that the invasion has started and enemy troops are landing.
We're keeping up a constant, steady fire from here.
But he's also dropping parachutists.
The rotten swine, sir.
The swine.
In that event, Private Sponge will take Corporal Jones's place at the gun.
You, Jones, get into the van and take the rest of the platoon out and mop up the parachutists.
Right, here we go.
On the word ''action''.
You be the loader.
Right, action! - Num-num-num-num-num - Loading! - Ready! - Fire! Bang-bang! - Ready! - Fire! - Good evening, Mainwaring.
- Fire! Oh.
You know me.
Mr Rees, the town clerk.
Mr Bennett, the borough engineer.
- Yes.
Look, hold it, men.
- Jones! Jones! Corporal! Corporal! What? Have they surrendered? For the time being, yes.
- We're just holding a TEWT.
- Really? - This is Walmington-on-Sea.
- You could have fooled me.
I won't beat about the bush.
You sent me an ultimatum.
I am not used to getting ultimatums.
- That bandstand has got to come down.
- Oh? Why? - Because it's in our direct line of fire.
- But it's a rare example of Victorian ironwork.
It was erected to commemorate Queen Victoria's visit to this town in 1891.
That's quite right.
I remember that.
Oh, what a day that was.
I was guard of honour for Queen Victoria.
She come down the ranks, and I remember she hesitated in front of me.
She turned to her aide-de-camp and she murmured, ''He reminds me of my dear Albert.
'' She had a little tear in her eye.
And I reiterated.
I said, ''And she reminds me of my dear old mum.
'' And do you know, she swept right on.
Hence the old expression, ''We are not amused.
'' Neither are we, Corporal.
- What were you saying, Mr Rees? - You can't say the bandstand must come down.
No.
Before a decision is taken, it goes before the town council.
- Well, put it before the town council.
- I can't do that.
- It's got to be discussed in committee first.
- There's no time for red tape.
- There must be some other way.
- We could have an emergency meeting.
That is, if it is considered urgent.
Of course it's urgent.
The town's safety depends on this gun.
Well, try and convince the committee of that.
I'll do more than that.
I'll lay on a full-scale demonstration.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Not just now, Verger.
If you think so, I'll get the committee along.
- All right.
10:30 on Sunday.
- Do you think that's wise? - I know what I'm doing.
- Excuse me.
- Go away, please.
- All right, then.
10:30 on Sunday.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Excuse me.
I've got to put this blackout up.
- Yes, well, put it up later.
- It's got to go up now, and that's that.
You say the sweetest things, baby You have me right - (KNOCKING) - Come in.
- (KNOCKING) - Come in! (KNOCKING) Mr Mainwaring, we've brought the camouflage that is to prevent the enemy aircraft from perceiving our firing position from the air.
I see.
Good man.
Jolly good.
Get somebody to help you put it over the gun.
Atchoo! Pike's helping me, sir.
- It's ever so dusty, sir.
- Never mind, Pike.
Off you go.
Spread it over the gun and weight it down with sandbags.
Just a moment, just a moment.
Oh, Mr Rees.
We'll be ready for you in five minutes.
You're a little early.
Five minutes, eh? And what would happen if I was the invasion, eh? - Would you have five minutes then? - If you were the invasion, you wouldn't knock.
You'd be heralded by the ringing of the bells and a fusillade of shots from our gun.
- We'll see about that.
- Come with me.
I think you'll be impressed.
- Very good job.
- Thank you, sir.
- First class.
Permission to carry on, sir? - ''Carry-on'' is about the right name for it.
Detachment, rear! - Where's Godfrey? - Over there, sir.
Godfrey, over here.
Godfrey.
Godfrey! What's the matter with you? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I was just taking precautions in case you let it go off.
Go and join the gun detachment.
Now, on the command ''action'', go in like greased lightning and get that gun in action.
- Squad - Shouldn't we remove the camouflage net? Not very good thinking.
Why camouflage it when the enemy is elsewhere and uncamouflage it when he's likely to see it? Put the gun into action.
At the last moment, whip aside the net and pour forth deadly fire.
- Deadly? Who to? - You'll see in a moment, sir.
Enemy tank right! Action! Come along, now.
Quickly.
Keen as mustard, these chaps.
Range, 500 yards! It'll be ten yards by the time they're ready.
Oi! Jonesy! Where are you? I've got a shell for you.
Jonesy! - There's somebody in my seat! Out of the way! - Enemy tank right! Range, 500 yards! Range, 450 yards! Corporal, is that gun ready? I don't know, sir.
I can't find the gun, sir.
- Where is he? Walker, go in and find him.
- Cop hold of that, sir.
Jonesy! Where are you? - Don't keep asking me questions.
- Won't be a moment.
Come on! Enemy tank right.
Come on, Jonesy! Where are you, Frazer? Sir, I cannae turn the handle for this blasted net! Pike! Wilson! Get this net off! Come on.
Come along, now! Hurry up! Corporal, we're taking this net off.
- Don't worry, sir.
I won't let it beat me.
- Stay where you are! All right, Mainwaring, I've seen enough.
I'll report to my sub-committee.
Well, thank you very much for coming along, Mr Rees.
These little discrepancies will be ironed out.
I'm sure they will.
I'll tell my committee they can sleep sound in their beds.
- Oh, yes, you can rest assured of that.
- If they make them inside that enemy tank.
Good day to you.