Dad's Army (1968) s03e09 Episode Script

I think that'll be enough of that, Pike.
Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
You will learn that the bank manager's office is no place for singing.
- Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
- Morning, Frank.
Good morning, sir.
- Morning, Wilson.
- Good news about the Home Guard dance, sir.
Oh, well, all work and no play, you know, Pike.
It gives our wives and sweethearts a feeling that they're part of the grand effort, that we're all pulling in the same direction.
Does that mean we can bring a friend, sir? Oh, yes, of course.
Who did you have in mind? One of your old Boy Scout friends? No, sir.
I was going to bring a girl.
A girl? Oh, well, I suppose that's what dances are for, really.
- Discuss it with Jones.
He's doing invitations.
- I'll bring your coffee in.
- # There is a lady # - Pike! Pike! Sorry, sir.
Forgot.
I'm not at all satisfied with that boy's work recently.
Never seems to stop humming.
He's just letting his thoughts dwell on his private life.
Oh, don't be absurd, Wilson.
He hasn't got a private life.
- A mere boy.
- He's going on 19.
He's walking out with an ATS girl.
Good heavens.
You should put a stop to that at once.
You never know where these girls come from.
Well, she's a local girl, actually, and she's on leave.
Her name is Violet Gibbons.
I know her.
Her mother used to clean for us twice a week.
''Obliging us,'' she called it.
Yes, well Now her daughter's obliging Frank.
Wait a minute.
Hadn't that girl used to work in a fish and chip shop? - That's the one, sir, yes.
- Oh, no.
Wrong sort of background.
The bank doesn't like that sort of thing.
- What sort of thing? - You know perfectly well.
The wrong girl could ruin his career.
What does his mother say? - She doesn't know.
- Have a word with him.
- Why me? - The boy hasn't got a father.
You've been friendly with his mother for years.
You're the next best thing.
Just because I know Mrs Pike doesn't mean I've got to act as a Dutch uncle to Frank.
You worry me sometimes, you know, Wilson.
You'd do anything rather than face up to your responsibilities.
You've never really grown up, have you? You're not a middle-aged chief clerk at all.
You're a sort of Peter Pan.
- How do you expect to get your own branch? - Well, Frank Pike is not my responsibility.
A lot of people will be pleased to hear that.
What do you mean by that? Well, it's no business of mine, but this is a very small town, Wilson.
Tongues wag.
People put two and two together, you know.
You and Mrs Pike arrived here about the same time.
Both from Weston-super-Mare.
You look at that boy in certain lights, there is a resemblance.
Same hairline.
Characteristics like pulling the lobe of his ear.
The whole idea is outrageous.
I mean to say, Mavis would have mentioned it.
I'm sure it's just idle gossip, but I think a word from you would come best.
- All right, sir.
I'll have a chat to him.
- Good.
Don't make any appointments for me after three.
- I have a meeting with the dance committee.
- Right, sir.
It's a lovely day Tomorrow As this dance is in the nature of a recreation, I thought it better if we were to meet in this relaxed way rather than a formal atmosphere.
Pay attention, Walker.
Don't lean on the desk.
Now, I thought it best, and please correct me if you think I'm wrong, that we should each be responsible for one aspect of Operation Dance.
Mr Mainwaring, I'd just like to say, on behalf of the men present, that's a very nice idea.
Thank you very much, Jones.
Now, what are the essential ingredients? What do we need for a successful dance? A floor.
I'm not actually asking for suggestions at this stage, Walker.
As I see it, three things.
Music to dance to.
Food for the inner man.
Drink for conviviality.
- Another thing we need.
- What? Women.
Yes.
I think we can take that for granted.
What about booze, sir? That's difficult.
Almost impossible.
- But you can get it? - Yeah, I've got contacts.
In this case, I don't think we need to trouble you, Walker.
The secretary of the golf club is supplying drink.
- Sucks to you, Joe.
- Yeah.
- Where do you think the golf club get it from? - Yes, all right, all right.
- Now we come to the question of food.
- I'm rather good at making maids of honour.
Blimey! That's a relief all round.
Actually, they're little buns with some icing on top.
They'd be most welcome, Godfrey.
Can you help us, Jones? Yes, sir.
I have earmarked six pounds of sausages.
More than that, I cannot do.
- We'll be very grateful for those.
- I tell a lie.
I also earmarked fat for frying.
Then we can put them in the fat and fry them.
Sir, we can cut them up into quarters and put them into sausage rolls.
Yes, that's a very stimulating suggestion.
For my part, I think Mrs Mainwaring could throw a case around them.
She's very ingenious in that sort of way.
This brings us to the band.
In these troubled times, this is a very difficult question.
Miss Rowlands and her colleagues offered their services.
They play at the Marigold Tea Rooms.
- I don't think we ought to have jazz music.
- There's no chance of that with Miss Rowlands.
- What we need is some good tunes.
- ''Tell Me, Pretty Maiden'' is a very nice tune.
- And ''Any Old Iron''.
- You can't dance to that.
Well, Harry Champion does.
Listen, sir, if you get that Miss Rowlands, her friend with buns on her earholes and that cello between her legs and that old bat from the library playing on the harp, we might as well all go home.
- I don't often agree wi' you, but you're right.
- I am.
Yes, well, I think there's some force in what you say, Walker.
- Where are we to find any musicians? - The Salvation Army? Oh, a marvellous idea (!) The Salvation Army.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for ''What A Friend We Have In Jesus''.
Walker.
May I remind you that we are on church property? I'm sorry.
But honestly, the Salvation Army.
One of the lads in the platoon can play the piano.
There's an RAF station at Godalston.
I'll see what they've got.
Oh, good.
Splendid.
Well done.
Operation Dance is launched.
I think we can bring her to harbour safely and successfully.
- Barring torpedoes.
- Barring Frank! I don't think those pictures ought to be back to back like that.
It looks as if they've had an argument.
- I've got to take them down? - You'd better.
- I got the rosettes, Wilson.
- Good.
''Secretary'' for you, ''MC'' for Jones and ''Chairman'' for me.
Very good, sir.
Who wears the ''Wine'' one? - I'm giving that to Walker.
- Not the secretary of the golf club? Yes, well, he couldn't get the drink.
- You think that'll be all right, sir? - Yes, I think so.
Put those in the office.
Just a minute.
Have you had a word with that boy yet? - No, no.
Not yet, sir, no.
- Why not? - Well, the opportunity hasn't presented itself.
- It has now.
He's in my office.
You can't just nose-dive into a personal matter like this.
You need the right sort of atmosphere.
I mean, a log fire, a cosy chair.
A pipe.
A glass of port.
Peter Pan.
My God, Mainwaring, you can hit pretty low when it suits you.
Ah.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
I want to speak to you.
I was lying abed last night and I had an idea.
- Really? - I thought, ''What about a cabaret?'' You see, I do some very good humorous monologues and various forms of ''mimi-cry''.
And Frazer, he does a marvellous Highland sword dance.
Yes.
- Well, I'll mention it to the committee.
- Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Jock, I spoke to Mr Mainwaring about your sword dance.
I've gone right off the idea.
- I'll see what Mr Mainwaring wants me to do.
- No, no, Frank.
Frank, don't go yet.
My goodness me.
We'venever had a chance, have we, really, to be alone together and have ayou knowcosy little chat? - Haven't we, Uncle? - Yes, well, er - Looking forward to the dance? - Oh.
Yes, thank you, Uncle.
- You don't have to call me Uncle.
- Sorry, Sergeant.
Or that, either.
I mean, we're both grown up, men of the world.
I'm Frank.
No, I'm not.
Er You're Frank.
I'm Arthur.
How do you do? Anyway, you're quite grown up now, Frank, aren't you? I mean, we can both look each other in the eye.
Can't we? Talkman to man.
- Nice, isn't it? - Yes.
Heaps of things we can talk about.
Things we've never talked about before.
- It's very nice, isn't it? - Would you stop saying it's nice, Frank? - It's terribly irritating.
- I'm sorry, UncleSargeArthur.
All right.
All right, Frank.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I didn't mean to upset you.
That's all right, Arthur.
- It's very nice, being able to talk man to man.
- Yes, it's nice.
Er Good, I mean.
Good.
Nice - What shall we talk about, then? - What? Well, erm Hmm.
Well, we Heh-heh-heh-heh.
We've, erm Have we? We've nevernever really had a chance to have a little chat about girls, have we? - Oh.
I know about the birds and bees.
- I didn't mean that.
Miss Beckworth told us.
She knows quite a bit about girls.
And a good deal about boys.
Frank, what I would like to know is, who are you going to take to the dance? Well, I thought I'd take my girlfriend, Violet Gibbons.
Precisely, yes.
Violet Gibbons, yes.
That's, er Ahem! That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
- Why? You don't want to take her, do you? - Certainly not! - I don't know her, do I? - I didn't think you did.
She's wonderful.
She's the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.
I love her, Uncle Arthur.
When I woke up this morning, I wanted to run to the top of the church tower and shout it.
''I love Violet Gibbons,'' I wanted to shout, but I didn't.
I think you're very wise.
I mean, so many mistakes can be made.
So much has to be thought about.
- Is she suitable? - Suitable for what? Well, for the bank.
Why would she want to go into the bank? No, my dear boy.
No, no, no.
After the war, when all this is over.
- When you come back.
- She won't go into the bank.
We'll be married.
- Married? - Can you keep a secret? - Yes, I suppose so.
- We're going to surprise everyone at the dance.
I'm going to announce our engagement, like Jack Oakie did with Zasu Pitts.
Now, Frank I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Think of your mother.
It would give her a terrible shock.
When Jack Oakie did it, she thought it was the best bit of the film.
Frank, I Ahem.
I think it's just possible that this may be different.
Well, it's obvious to me you've made a mess of it.
- In that case, why don't you talk to him? - No, that wouldn't be a good idea.
You must get somebody nearer to his own age group.
Try Walker.
I don't think it would do any good, me having a word with him.
He can be very pig-headed.
What about his mum? Washed her hands of it? No, Joe, I didn't mean that.
You see, Mavis doesn't even know the girl exists.
I mean, if he blurts all this out at the dance, she'll make the most awful scene.
- 'Ere, what about if I have a word with Violet? - Not a bad idea Violet? You know Violet? Well, you know how it is.
You know, I was a bit keen on her once when she worked in Woolworth's.
When she went to work in a fish shop, I dunno, somehow it was sort of different.
I mean, it was all right watching football out in the open.
When she got hot in the pictures I mean, people used to shift their seats.
A man finds that humiliating, don't he? Yes, I suppose so.
You have a word with her.
Perhaps she can persuade him not to be hasty.
Yeah.
She tried to persuade me that way once.
Mind you, I never was a good listener.
Oh, Johnny, how you can love You settle down there and point your music out in that direction.
- Corporal Jones.
- I'm just finishing my preparations, sir.
- Where's Mr Mainwaring? - He'll be here very quickly.
He's bringing the sausage rolls, you see, and he wants to arrive here with his good lady in time to greet all the guests, whom I shall announce.
- It's funny.
I've never met Mrs Mainwaring.
- They're a very devoted couple.
Only, she don't get about much.
Jonesy, that microphone's all right now.
Just switch it on.
Evening, Vicar.
That piano's got a note missing.
- Is it an important one? - It is if you play ''In The Mood''.
It goes # Dah-di-thump, di-dah-thump, dah-di-thump # - Oh, I think that's rather catchy.
- Didn't know he was a sporting vicar, did you? 'Ere, don't let Pikey get near that microphone.
- Don't tell me he's announcing his engagement.
- We tried to talk to him, but I've got to meet my birds.
They're in the Horse and Groom.
Where's Mr Mainwaring? He's bringing the sausages.
Look, he's just come in.
He's over there, taking his coat off.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Please can I have the sausages as I wish to display them? I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mishap, Jones.
My wife made a miscalculation.
- Most of them are burnt to a cinder.
- I'm very distressed to hear that.
- Yes.
I'm very sorry, Jones.
- Don't upset yourself, sir.
Only sausage rolls.
I was very vexed, naturally.
I gave her a good dressing-down.
That's That's a very nasty eye you've got there, Mr Mainwaring.
- I bumped into the door of the linen cupboard.
- Yes.
Ahem.
If you and your good lady stand over there, I'll announce the guests.
Yes, well, Mrs Mainwaring won't be joining us this evening.
I hope she's not poorly or anything like that.
- I'd rather not go into it.
- Right, sir.
- I'll just greet the guests alone.
- You just stand here, sir.
In your greeting-the-guests position, like that.
Keep nice and calm, sir.
It'll be all right.
- Do you think we should have some music? - Yes.
Got any nice greeting-the-guests music? - How about ''Trees''? - ''Trees'', sir? - Yes, thank you.
Very good.
- All right.
You keep calm, sir.
You keep calm, sir.
Now, ready with the drinks? Right.
Hats and coats all right? Got your tickets? They'll be here in a minute.
Right.
Here we go.
- Blimey! You got here early enough.
- Eight o'clock, it says on the ticket.
- Ticket? I never gave you no ticket.
- The vicar gave it to me.
You take it easy on the meat paste sandwiches before our lads arrive.
- I don't want your meat paste sandwiches.
- Take no notice of him.
He's a troublemaker.
I'm not a troublemaker.
He's the troublemaker.
We never did find out who wrote that rude word on the harmonium.
Are you insinuating that I did it? I'm not insinuating anything, but why are you blushing? That's what we'd like to know.
- I'm waiting, Jones.
- Certainly, sir.
Mr and Mrs Henry Yeatman! - Shake hands with the Captain.
- With me 'at on? I knew you was a troublemaker.
Go and put your hat over there.
- Hello, Jonesy.
Having trouble? - His joint will be all gristle next week.
It was all gristle last week.
It's all you sell.
Come away, Anthea.
Ladies, what's your pleasure? Failing that, what are you going to have to drink? Wait a minute.
I've got to announce you first.
Oh.
Well, this is Doris and Dora.
They're twins.
I thought I was seeing double.
Which is which? I don't know.
One kicks and the other one bites.
- I'll announce you as Mr Walker and party.
- No, don't.
The party comes later.
Mr Walker and parties! Evening, Mr Mainwaring.
Blimey! Where did you get that from? - From the linen cupboard door.
- Hasn't your old woman got a rolling pin? Mr and Mrs Dowding! Mr and Mrs Eccles! Hello, Mr Godfrey.
My word! You do look smart.
Dear me.
Some of the gentlemen aren't wearing dinner jackets.
You've done us proud, Mr Godfrey.
Our dear father used to say that one was never embarrassed by being too well dressed.
I'm not quite sure he was right.
Mr and Mrs Forkus! - Good evening, Jonesy.
- Hello, Mr Frazer.
This is, ehma wee niece.
Her name's Blodwen.
Hello, Miss Blodwen.
Nice to see you.
It's only fair tae warn you, Jonesy, if ye say one word about my kilt, I'll bash your face in.
You look very nice.
Mr Frazer and Miss Blodwen! - Good evening.
- Frazer.
How do you do, Miss Blodwen? Nice to have you with us.
I see your niece is a land girl.
- Sorry I didn't have time to put on a dress.
- Don't worry.
Your partner made up for it.
I don't know how ye got that black eye, but I ken fine how you're going to get another.
Mr Godfrey and Miss Godfrey! Take my arm, Cissy.
It's just like old times, Charles.
- Hello, Mr Jones.
Have you seen my Frank? - Not yet, Mrs Pike.
- Arthur, what can have happened to him? - Mavis, don't worry.
You worry too much.
Mr Wilson and Mrs Pike! - You know my sister, don't you? - Of course.
How nice to see you.
By Jove, that's a nasty eye.
Yes, I ran into the door of the linen cupboard.
A little bit of folded Christmas card is good for that.
- What? For a black eye? - No, no, no, no.
For keeping the linen cupboard door shut.
What you really need is a hot onion.
Oh, no, Charles, dear.
That's for earache.
- No, mustard plaster's for earache.
- No, no, no, darling, no.
That's for backache.
- It's a little confusing, isn't it? - It is, rather.
Go and have a drink, Godfrey.
- How do you do? - Isn't it time we had a dance? Yes, indeed it is.
I'll tell Jones to start.
Jones! Start the dancing.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, sir.
My consort's just arrived.
Mr Jones and Mrs Prosser! Good evening, Captain.
Ah, Mrs Prosser.
How do you do? Excuse me, my dear.
I've just got to get along.
Mr Mainwaring will look after you.
Give us a ta-rah.
(BAND PLAYS FLOURISH) (APPLAUSE) One, two, three.
One.
Is it on? Oi, Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy! Don't do that.
It's not a barometer, it's a microphone.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for a quickstep! - One, two, three, four! - (BAND PLAYS) How was that, Joe? Hello, now the fun starts.
Here comes Pikey.
Mr Mainwaring, I'd like to introduce my fiancee, Violet Gibbons.
How do you do, Miss Gibbons? I knew your mother.
- Arthur, who's that with Frank? - Don't worry about them.
- We've got the wine, the music and each other.
- Arthur, none of that.
Wait till you're asked.
- Well done, Mr Wilson.
- I can't keep it up all night, Walker.
This is Mrs Prosser.
Arthur, I have to sit down.
That's ten dances without a break.
- I could go on all night, Mavis.
- Oh, Arthur, that's not like you at all.
- I'd like to make my announcement now.
- You can't.
The amplifier's packed up.
- It was all right.
You switched it off.
- Belt up.
- Don't you talk to my sister like that.
- Turn it up loud.
- No, Pikey! You can't do that.
- Why not? - Jonesy's making an announcement.
- What's he gonna announce? - His cabaret.
- Mr Mainwaring says I shouldn't.
Yes, you are.
He's changed his mind.
Hang on.
Ladies and gentlemen! Now cabaret time comes to Walmington-on-Sea.
With his impersonations of stars of stage, screen and radio, the one and only, your friend and mine, Jolly Jack Jones! # Corporal Jones is on the air Oh, can't you hear the chimes? # They're telling you to take an easy chair # When sitting in the dance hall Get out your ''Radio Times'' Corporal Jones at eight is on the air! Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to give you a few impersonations of wireless personalities.
Who is the first one we see coming along here but our old friend, that good chap, good-hearted Arthur Askey! Ha-ha-how! Ha-ha-how! Ha-ha-hah! Hello, playmates! Hello, playmates.
Ho-hoh! I thank yow, I thank yow.
Now who else do we see coming round the road but a well-known chap we all like very much, Jolly Jack Warner, with his bicycle and his little girl.
Oh, little girl, little girl.
- (BAND PLAYS) - Not yet, not yet.
Mind my bike.
Mind my bike.
Hup and dahn the rawlway layne.
Now.
(BAND PLAYS) Ladies and gentlemen, by way of a grand finale I'd like to give you that well-known Hollywood man George Arliss in that well-known Hollywood film ''The House Of Rothschild''.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Well, Count Ledrantz, have you decided to accept my offer, the offer of the House of Rothschild? You refuse? Very well, Count Ledrantz.
I will take my departure.
But before I go, one word of warning.
Remember that those who dig graves for others usually finish by sleeping in those graves themselves.
Good night, Count Ledrantz.
And thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (APPLAUSE) - Jonesy! Get back and do Charles Laughton.
- I don't do Charles Laughton.
Do Freddie Bartholomew.
Shirley Temple.
Oh, blimey, it's too late.
I'd like to make an announcement since you're all here and we're all having a good time.
- I'd like to introduce you - # The joy supreme That came to us in the gloom You know it isn't a dream It's love in bloom Oh.
Hello, Wilson.
I didn't realise you were you were still here.
Good Lord, yes.
Good heavens.
Did you get? Did you get locked out too, sir? Oh, no.
No, no, not at all.
Elizabeth's very absent-minded, you know.
I think she probably put the catch on, not realising that I was in.
Out.
Oh.
Hello, Uncle.
- Mr Mainwaring.
- Frank, couldn't you get in either? No.
Mum threw a bucket of water over me.
That's what she does to the cat.
I see.
It's supposed to cool their ardour.
Yeah, well, certainly does that, Uncle.
- I don't think I'll get married.
- I think you're very wise, Frank.
I never did.
It was a super dance, though, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, yes, very good.
- Yes.
It was a pity Frazer had to hit the verger over the head with that altar candle.
I think it started when Jonesy tried to stuff that maid of honour down Mrs Verger's dress, shouting, ''Coals for Newcastle.
'' Walker had no business to take those two girls down in the crypt, you know.
The vicar will be very distressed about that.
That sort of thing leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth.
Still, it was a good dance, sir, wasn't it? Oh, I think we should have these these get-togethers on occasion occasionally.
Helps our wives and sweethearts to think that we're all pullingpulling - In opposite directions.
- Yes.