Dad's Army (1968) s04e01 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? (GERMAN ACCENT) Bear north-east.
Follow telegraph poles.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Main road.
Turn right.
- Bear left.
- At the mast? - Stop and look for a signal.
- The woman's name? - Fraulein T.
- Password? Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten, dass ich so What are you two smiling at? And you'll be the only girl in Berlin.
It's ever so romantic, don't you think, Arthur? Yes.
Yes, I do.
In a way, he's rather like you, Arthur - strong, masterful.
Really? Do you think so? - Who is this chap? Some sort of foreigner? - Yes.
Yes.
It's disgraceful having Germans in films.
Why couldn't they have got a British chap? Did you see the way he was holding her in his arms? - Frank! Take your thumb out of your mouth! - Sorry, Mum.
I say! Do you mind sitting up? Do you mind sitting up? I can't see the screen.
- What's the matter? - Shh.
Mr Mainwaring! - Oh! - Shh! Don't turn round! It's disgraceful the way people behave in cinemas, don't you think, Wilson? Wilson! I say! Yes, sir.
Yes, it is.
(WILSON) That was rather nice.
Did you like that? I find all this very embarrassing.
I don't usually sit in the stalls.
I usually sit in the grand circle.
- Well, you take what seats you can in wartime.
- This war seems to be an excuse for anything.
- Going to the cinema's like a Bacchanalian orgy! - Really, sir! It's not as bad as all that.
You must admit that morals have gone to pieces.
Far too much permissiveness.
I'll be glad when this war's over and people stop doing this sort of thing.
- I'm only thankful my wife isn't here.
- Yes.
Quite.
- Why couldn't she come tonight? - She's not keen on the talkies.
Really? Why not? The moment Al Jolson first opened his mouth and said, ''You ain't heard nothing yet,'' she complained of a headache.
- She hasn't been to the cinema since.
- Yes, well, that was 12 years ago.
Well, she's not a great one for change, you know.
- Mum? - Mm? I think that's Mr Jones in front of Mr Mainwaring.
No! It can't be.
It is.
- Mr Mainwaring! - Frank! - I think that's Mr Jones in front of you.
Mr Jones.
- Don't point.
- Is that you, Jones? - Ah! Oh, hello, Mr Mainwaring.
Er This is a friend of mine.
This is, umMrs Fox.
- Hello.
- Good evening.
- She's a widow, you know.
- Really? (STIRRING MUSIC) This is the Gaumont British News, presenting the truth to the free peoples of the world.
It's a busy day for Winston Churchill.
At ten o'clock he inspects units at a naval base somewhere in England.
At eleven he gives a cheery smile to our gallant Czech allies.
What's this that's caught his eye? It's their regimental mascot.
Like Winnie, he can't wait to have a go at Adolf.
- Look, Wilson.
See that magnificent ram? - Yes.
Awfully nice.
- By Jove! That gives me an idea.
- Oh, Lord! Please, no, sir.
No.
I'll tell you later.
We'd better report for duty.
- Come on, Frank.
- That applies to you, Walker.
- Mavis, and you.
- I haven't seen the Donald Duck yet! Your scarf, Frank! Now, pay attention.
Last night I went to the cinema and I saw something that really made me think.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
- That lady and I are just good friends.
- I'm not talking about you.
- I'm referring to the ram.
- What's the difference? The regimental mascot that we saw in the newsreel.
You all know that on Sunday morning there's a big parade of all the civil defence units and the Home Guard units to mark the start of the Spitfire fund week.
Of course, we shall be leading it and it would be a good idea if we, too, had a mascot.
I'm not sure what sort, but I'm going to throw the idea to you and let you kick it about.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
In days gone by, the ships of the line, they used to have for their mascot a painted lady.
Yes.
I was rather thinking of something live.
Well, couldn't we have a live painted lady? Walker, just be quiet for a moment, please.
I've got a white mouse.
How about that as the mascot? Stupid boy! I've got a very large pussy cat.
Yes, well I appreciate your suggestion, Godfrey, but we might find it a little difficult to make a pussy cat march smartly.
As we saw a ram being used as a mascot on the newsreel, perhaps we could use a ram ourselves.
Aye.
Private Sponge here, he's a farmer.
He maybe could help us.
I've got a few, but they're very funny-tempered at this time of year.
Why are they funny-tempered at this time of year, Mr Frazer? Well, it's like the man said, son.
It's the time of year The time of year.
- What time of year? - The time when they're after All right, Walker! Don't you tell this boy anything? Private Sponge, you've no objection to our borrowing one of your rams? If you can catch one, but it won't be easy.
Nonsense.
We'll send One Section along.
That should be enough.
- Sergeant Wilson, see what Mr Hodges wants.
- Yes, sir.
Can I help you at all? - I want a word with Napoleon.
Is he busy? - Yes.
He's trying to find a way to catch a ram.
That's going to help the war effort (!) We'd rather like to walk behind that ram at the parade on Sunday.
They're used to following like a lot of sheep.
- What is it, Warden? - Can I have a word with you in private? Say it in front of my men.
We've no secrets here.
Here's a plan of the procession.
You're at the back, so you'd better tell them.
Don't be absurd.
We are not at the back.
We are leading the procession.
Somebody had to make a decision and you're at the back.
I've seen Councillor Conway about this on Monday at the Rotary luncheon.
- Don't come that class distinction stuff! - We have to be at the front.
I shall be marching with a ram.
- Your personal life has nothing to do with me.
- We have a mascot.
I don't care if you've got a dovecote.
Whatever made you think you'll be leading the parade? - Simple.
Alphabetical order.
- How do you mean? ARP, Home Guard.
A comes before H.
I'll show you.
First the Sea Scouts band, then us, the ARP, then the nurses, the rescue service, the ATC, the fire service - F.
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H.
- H, Home Guard.
That's you.
You're last.
- Don't be ridiculous.
How can the nurses and rescue come before us? N and R come after H.
Auxiliary nurses and auxiliary rescue.
A comes before H.
You want to go back to school, mate.
- Sir, as we're army, that's an A.
- You're not proper army.
We're auxiliary army.
That puts us even further in front.
- How can you be auxiliary army? - It's simple, sir.
We're army and he's ARP.
That's two As so that makes us kind of level.
So we take the second letter of army, which is R, and the second letter of ARP, which is R.
We're still level.
Understand what I mean? Then we take the third letter of army, which is Which is M, and M comes before P.
We're first.
Well done, Sergeant.
There you are.
If you want it in alphabetical order, we are first.
- We'll see about that.
- (WHISTLE LAUREL AND HARDY THEME) (STOP WHISTLING, THEN CONTINUE) (JEERING) - First round to us, Sergeant! - I think so too, sir! Right, Number One Section will parade here at six o'clock tomorrow to march to Private Sponge's farm to catch a ram.
- That's all.
Dismiss the parade, Sergeant.
- Parade, dismissed.
If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise Shh.
Not a sound.
It's a magnificent animal.
Get down! I don't think that ram is going to like the idea of being caught.
Don't be a pessimist, Wilson.
- Frazer is an expert at field craft.
- Of course.
Yes.
I saw them do this in The Last Of The Mohicans.
Gary Cooper.
Right.
Stand up and expose yourself.
Now, what we've got to do is to make the ram think that we're perfectly normal.
That's going to be a bit difficult.
He's got to accept us as part of the landscape.
Spread yourselves out and slowly encircle him.
There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play We won't interfere unless it's absolutely necessary, Wilson.
- By Jove, sir.
I do believe you like butter! - What? - Don't be ridiculous.
- Sorry.
Picnic time for teddy bears The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today Watch them, catch them unawares Oh, dear.
He looks awfully fierce.
Now! After him! Right! Come on, Wilson! It's a pity.
It's rather nice here.
Got you! Go on! (JONES) Stop.
Stop.
- What is it? - Permission to stop panicking, sir? He's not chasing us any more.
- Well, where is he? - He's there, sir.
(PANTING) Get after him.
I've never seen men so out of condition.
Pike, you're the youngest.
Keep it in sight and we'll follow.
Yes, sir.
Gary Cooper! (WHOOPS) (BLEATING) (CRIES OUT) It's no use.
We're not going to find it this way.
We'll have to spread out.
(PANTING) (PIKE) Help! Help! Good Lord! Help.
Help, Uncle Arthur.
Help.
Just keep still, Frank.
Whatever you do, keep still.
Stop struggling, Frank.
Stop struggling.
You'll only sink deeper.
Hold on, your uncle's coming.
Uncle.
Uncle! (JONES) Hold on a moment, Mr Mainwaring.
(PIKE) Help! - (WILSON) Help! - What was that, Mr Mainwaring? - (PIKE AND WILSON) Help! Help! - There it goes again.
(PIKE) Help! - (WILSON) Help! - Sounds like an echo.
- It's from the other side of those bushes, sir.
- Quick! Come on.
Help! Help! - Thank goodness you've come, sir.
- I'm sinking, Mr Mainwaring.
Young Pike's in the bog.
He's in the bog! Don't panic! - Be quiet, Corporal.
All right, Pike.
Hold on.
- What about me, sir? You'll just have to wait.
Right, follow me.
Why are you always so selfish? - We need something to pull him out with.
- What about that noticeboard? - Yes.
Get it.
Quick.
- I shouldn't take that, sir.
- It might be something important.
- Nonsense.
What does it say, Walker? Right.
Right, grab hold of this, Pike.
I can't reach it, Mr Mainwaring.
No! We'll have to get something else.
- Permission to speak, sir? We could use a rope.
- By the time we got a rope, it'd be too late.
- Oh, no! - Excuse me, sir.
- Wilson, wait your turn.
- I was going to suggest a way to help Frank.
- What? - Of course, if you don't WANT to hear! Oh! - This is no time for sulking.
The boy's sinking.
- If you lay your jackets on top of the bog .
.
one of you might reach him.
Yes That's very good thinking.
Right, take your coats off, you men.
There you go, sir.
No.
It's not enough.
Permission to speak, sir? I still say we ought to use a rope.
Shut up and take your trousers off.
All of you, take your trousers off.
Would you like my binder, sir? It's very absorbing.
Oh, yes.
Anything.
Come on.
- Right, get down there, Sponge.
- Must I? Do as you're told.
If we hadn't been chasing your blasted ram, none of this would have happened.
- Hold my right hand, Frazer.
- Aye, sir.
- Walker, hang on to Frazer.
- Right, sir.
That's it.
Right.
Grab him by the hand.
(PIKE) Oh.
I saw this happen in a Tarzan film once, Mr Mainwaring.
A bloke was trying to get a man out of a swamp and he got eaten by a crocodile.
Now, hold my hand tightly! Heave! Sir! Mr Mainwaring.
I'd like to thank you for saving my life.
Oh, nonsense.
Could you possibly spare a moment to get me free? - Wilson, we'll be with you in a moment.
- Just a minute, Mr Mainwaring.
- Where's Jones? - I don't know.
He was here when we were getting Spikey out of the bog.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
Look! - Get down again, Sponge.
- Oh, Lord! Hey, let me try, Mr Mainwaring.
My arms are nae as short as yours.
Can you feel anything? Nothing, Mr Mainwaring.
Nothing at all.
Jones.
I can't believe it.
Isimply can't believe it.
Mr Mainwaring, I've got the rope, sir.
Put it round your neck! Hush, hush, hush, here comes the bogeyman Don't let him come too close to you He'll catch you if he can #Just pretend that you're a crocodile And you will find that bogeyman will run away a mile Look at 'em.
Look at 'em! There's the warden.
No doubt he'll have some sarcastic comment to make.
Just ignore him.
Smartly, now.
March to attention.
I'm going to enjoy this.
I'm going to enjoy this! Are you all right? You look like you're going to have a heart attack.
I've waited months for this moment.
Now I can't think of anything to say.
I can't think of anything to say.
There's no doubt about it, Joe, that is a magnificent animal.
I told Mr Mainwaring I'll get him a mascot.
There it is.
- It doesn't look like the photograph to me, Joe.
- We can tart it up a bit.
You promised Mr Mainwaring that the goat was the same one that was on the photograph.
- We'll have to make it look like the photograph.
- Don't be absurd! - The parade starts in half an hour! - Got it! Listen, Spikey! Get the horns off the wall in the vicar's office.
My sister Dolly had her handbag eaten by a goat once.
- You're not carrying a handbag, are you? - No, no.
But they eat other things as well.
- Joe.
- Ta.
Just what I want.
Hold on.
Right.
Come here, son.
One.
Two.
Hang on.
We want a bit of fuse wire.
- See if you can find some fuse wire.
- OK.
- (JONES) All right, love.
- (WARDEN'S VOICE OUTSIDE) It's the warden.
Hide the goat.
Where's Mr Mainwaring? (JONES LAUGHS) Hello, Verger! Joined up, have you? You know this is my uniform as skipper of the Sea Scouts.
My band is leading the parade this morning.
What are you doing with the vicar's horns? Ah! Erthey fell off the wall and I'm mending them.
The vicar's not going to like this.
He's very proud of those horns.
He got them up the Umbar Umbala when he was a missionary.
- When he was climbing out of the pot? - Where's Captain Mainwaring? I wanted to tell him What's that smell? - What smell? - That horrible smell.
- I can't smell a smell.
Can you, boys? - (ALL) No.
I shall have to report this to the vicar.
Ah! There you are, Mr Mainwaring.
My boys will be at the assembly point in the station yard in half an hour.
- Splendid, Verger.
See you there.
- I must go.
- I've got to tell the vicar about a funny smell.
- Very good.
- Good morning, men.
- Morning, sir.
As soon as the rest of the platoon arrives, we'll march down to the station.
- Did you manage to get the goat, Walker? - Er Y-Yes, sir.
- Where is it, then? - Yeah.
Well, it's It's there, sort of.
How dare you? I don't know, II thought it might work.
You said you could get a goat, showed me a photograph and I paid you L5.
Then you turn up with this thing.
- Joe's really going to get a telling-off this time.
- Oh, dear.
- I was relying on this.
You've ruined everything.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Hang on.
Here's your fiver back.
This means we'll have to appear without a mascot.
It'll be a great relief all round, I would think.
How you could ever believe that this moth-eaten - Squad, attention! - Air Training Corps, attention! Division, attention! Pull your sock up.
Attention! Stand at ease! As we are leading this parade, we'll show Mainwaring and his toy soldiers we can be as smart as any Home Guard.
Here he comes.
Attention! Left turn! At ease! Platoon, halt! About turn! - Fall your boys in, Mr Yeatman.
- Aye aye, sir.
- What do you think you're playing at? - Clear off! - I told you the wardens were leading this parade.
- The Home Guard is, and that's that.
- Where's your mascot? - I've no wish to discuss that with you.
- Take up your position.
- We'll soon see about that, mate! Carry on, Mr Yeatman.
Band, attention! Drummers, ready! By your left, quick march! (BAND PLAYS A MILITARY MARCH) (WARDEN) Come on, lads.
We'll show 'em who's going to lead the parade! - Left, right, left, right - Left, left, left, left.
- (QUICKER) Left, right, left, right - Left, right, left (QUICKER) Left, right, left, right - Left, right, left, right Left, right Left, right, left, right