Dad's Army (1968) s04e02 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? There we were, in the desert, no food and, what was worse, no water.
And Johnny Turk sniping at us all the time.
Ha-ha-ha! My tongue was so swollen, it filled my entire mouth.
I would have sold my soul to the devil for a drink.
- Would you like another, sir? - Thank you, Sergeant.
Very good of you.
Same again, please.
We don't see you gentlemen from the Eastgate platoon in these parts very often.
- We're here about the big exercise on Sunday.
- What exercise is that? - All the local Home Guard units are taking part.
- That's enough, Sergeant.
Careless talk, you know, what? Careless talk, eh? Ha-ha-ha! Now, where-where-where was I? In the desert, dying of thirst.
Oh, thank you so much.
Yes.
Cheers.
Yes, as I was saying, my tongue was absolutely black.
Then I remembered the old trick of sucking a pebble.
Only trouble was, no pebbles in the desert, what? Ha-ha-ha! Nothing but sand, don't you know? Then I had an idea, and I pulled out my gold hunter.
Beautiful watch, belonged to my father.
It's even got an alarm.
I popped that in my mouth and left it there for three days.
There's no doubt about it, that watch saved my life.
- That's a remarkable story.
- I'll tell you something more remarkable.
When I took that watch out, it was going perfectly.
It hadn't lost or gained a second.
I'll prove it.
I'll pop this in my mouth for a few minutes and you'll see.
I'll just set the alarm.
There.
Oh, well, I must say, I could do with a glass of beer, sir.
- I look forward to my pint after the parade.
- Oh, Lord! There's that old bore, Captain Square.
I wonder what he's doing here.
I suppose he's over from Eastgate about Sunday.
Let's go to the other end of the bar.
Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Wilson.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE) What the devil's he doing with a watch in his mouth? Perhaps he's, erwatching his drink.
- Just a little play on words, do you see, sir? - Oh, really, Wilson.
Your sense of humour gets more childish every day.
- (ALARM) - Ah! There we are! And still going.
What did I tell you? Ha-ha-ha! This calls for another drink.
I'm so sorry, Main-waring.
You were first.
After you.
- No, please.
Carry on.
- The same again, then, please.
- Well, are you looking forward to Sunday? - Should be an interesting day.
You'll find it difficult capturing that mill with us inside.
- How will you get across that open ground? - I dare say a way will be found.
Now, gentlemen, it's your turn.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Pints? - Yes, please.
- Thanks very much, yes.
- Sorry, gents.
No more beer.
- Well, that's nice.
When that man is dead and gone And so, gentlemen, this is without doubt the most difficult exercise that we have so far tackled.
To sum up, here is the windmill.
Inside, Captain Square and the Eastgate platoon.
Wall here.
River here.
Boathouse here, and here and here, bushes and trees.
Around the windmill is open ground.
Not a scrap of cover.
Our job is to get across that open ground and plant a high explosive inside the windmill.
Any suggestions? - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
- What about a tunnel, sir? - A tunnel? Yes, sir.
We all go round behind that wall and we can dig a hole in a downward direction.
Down and down, then suddenly you start digging sideways, sideways, sideways.
When we think we're under the mill, start digging upwards, upwards, upwards.
And, God willing, we'll be in the mill.
Or else in Australia.
I think you're in the realms of fantasy again, Jones.
There he goes again with ''realms of fantasy''.
He's playing with fire.
I control his meat.
I've got an idea, sir.
There was some play of Shakespeare's, I can't remember which one.
There was some sort of king who invited his troops to dress up as bushes .
.
so that they could move across the open ground in order to attack the castle.
- Yes.
Dress them up as bushes? - That's right.
Yes.
Sounds a very good idea.
I - You going to be polishing long, Verger? - I've got to keep the place clean.
The state you leave it in is a disgrace.
Do it some other time.
You're getting on my nerves creeping around with that miserable face.
This happens to be my normal expression.
You can't be a verger with a funny face, you know.
You seem to have managed all right.
- Yeah, get out.
- That's what they treat me like.
Dirt.
Sorry about that, gentlemen.
Where were we up to? Sir, get one of us inside a dummy log, then we can float down the river to the mill.
- That should do the trick.
- That's a rather good idea, Walker.
But someone has to push the log and we can't stay underwater.
- Get someone in a diving suit to push the log.
- Don't be absurd! Who's got a diving suit? - I've got a diving suit.
- You have? How did you come by that? I was in the South Seas with a friend of mine, Willy Stewart.
We were diving for pearls.
One day he was down below doing the job and I was up on deck with the native boys working the pumps.
Suddenly, I felt four pulls on his lifeline.
That means ''haul me up''.
I knew there was trouble.
I looked down - the sea's as clear as crystal - and there was Willy fighting for his life with a giant squid.
I never hesitated.
I dived down and down into the depths.
I plunged my knife between those two hideous eyes.
My lungs were bursting, a red mist before my eyes.
The sea was black with the inky liquid from the squid.
I gave the signal and they quickly pulled Willy up.
I went on deck and unscrewed his helmet and thenthen I realised they'd pulled him up too quickly.
He was dying from the dreaded bends.
I cradled him in my arms and he gazed up at me and said, ''Look after my poor old mother.
''See that she gets all my property.
'' Well, all he had was his diving suit and it was no use to her, so I gave her ten bob and kept it.
Every time after that, whenever I went down in that diving helmet I could hear poor Willy's voice crying, ''Help.
''He-e-e-e-elp.
'' So we take it you have a diving suit, Frazer.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
I'll ask the vicar to borrow that imitation log he uses in his pantomime Babes In The Wood.
- I don't think he'll like that.
- Don't fret, sir.
I'm in charge of his meat.
He'd do anything for a bit of kidney.
There's nothing we can do tonight.
We'll parade tomorrow and discuss the plan.
That's all.
- Hello? - Hello? Who's there? It's me, Captain Square.
The verger, Walmington-on-Sea parish church.
- Any news? - I found out how they'll get into the mill.
- How? - The same way as Shakespeare did it.
Shakespeare? What are you talking about? They're going to dress up as bushes, creep into the crops, then across the open ground.
LordI That old trick? Main-waring must be slippingI Ha-ha-ha.
- Thank you for your help.
- I'd do anything for you, sir.
You're a gentleman.
Not like Mainwaring's lot.
Treat me like dirt, they do.
Just like dirt! - All right, Frazer? - Fine, thank you, sir.
We'll just run through the plan in detail again.
We are in the boathouse here.
Frazer will push the log out into the open river here.
Remaining underwater, he'll push the log through the river till he comes level with the windmill here.
What do you do then, Frazer? When I'm level with the windmill, I give one tug on my lifeline.
Now, when Frazer tugs on his lifeline, I shall give one warble on my bird warbler, and what do you do then, Wilson? When you've done your warble on your bird warbler, I shall start to create the first diversion.
Walker? When you've warbled and Sergeant Wilson starts the first diversion, I'll help him.
What happens then, Frazer? While the diversion is attracting the attention of the defenders in the mill, I quickly tilt Jones in the log onto the bank.
Excellent.
Jones? Where's Jones? He's dressing up as a log.
Hurry up, Jones.
Shouldn't take you all this time to dress up as a log.
And here we have Betty, in a natty little one-piece woodland ensemble.
A pretty girl is like a melody Walker! All right.
Stand easy, Corporal.
- What do you think, Wilson? - I don't know what to think.
I really don't.
It's too late to change our plans now.
We'll have to hope for the best.
Jones? Where are you, Jones? - Jones? - I'm here, sir.
We've just got to the bit where you've been tipped on the bank.
What do you do then? Well, sir, it's like this.
When Sergeant Wilson's being diverting, I make my way to the windmill.
When Jones reaches the windmill, I shall give two warbles on my bird warbler.
What then? When I hear two warbles on the bird warbler, I start the second diversion.
- And I help him with it.
- That's right.
Now, Jones.
The second diversion should give you time to get to the mill.
You flatten yourself against the outside so people inside can't see you.
You then divest yourself of the log, climb up the ladder here and throw the bomb in through the window here.
- How are you going to carry the bomb? - Between my legs, sir.
What? I shall have a piece of string round my waist and it will dangle between my knees.
At a given point, the choosing of my own, I shall let loose the string and the bomb will drop on the floor, sir.
I see.
Give him the time bomb.
Right, sir.
Here you are, Jonesy.
Keep still for a moment.
It's going to be rather difficult, sir.
I can't quite see where to put That was really rather neat, wasn't it? - All right.
Tie it on, Jones.
- Right, sir.
- Quickly as you can.
- Right, sir.
- Hurry.
I want to try this out.
- I've only got two pairs of legs, sir.
- Give him a hand, Walker.
- Right, open up, Jonesy.
Look, Joe, I'm tying a knot, so put your finger on it.
Not there! Oh, come on! Get on with it.
See if you can release the bomb.
- Off you go.
- Right, sir.
Release the bomb! - (CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN) - All right, Walker! You can stop jumping about now.
That seemed to work, Wilson.
- Yes.
Shall I put the bomb back in again? - No.
We can't go through that nonsense again.
Let's assume that it's inside.
I want to run through this from the start.
Take up your positions.
We're going Where have you gone to? - Down here, sir.
- We're going from the beginning.
Very good, sir.
Right, sir.
- Right.
You all right, Frazer? - Aye, sir.
Don't forget, boys, keep up a nice steady pressure.
- Don't worry.
We'll keep pumping.
- Don't forget the signals.
If I give four pulls it means I'm coming up.
If you give four pulls it means you want me to come up.
See? Yeah.
I've got it, Mr Frazer.
Two different signals - four and four.
Put the glass in.
Right.
Start pumping.
- Godfrey, Wilson, take up diversion positions.
- All right, sir.
Now, let's get Frazer into the water.
Come on.
Here we are.
Right.
Nowyou're going into the water.
Now, Frazer takes the log out from the boathouse into the open river.
(JONES) Gurgle, gurgle.
Gurgle, gurgle.
- All right, Corporal? - Yes, sir.
- That's the water gurgling against the side, sir.
- I see.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle! - I shall be looking through my periscope.
Frazer's now submerged, pushing the log along the river.
He has now reached a point opposite the windmill.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle.
- (WARBLE) - That's the signal for the diversion.
Wilson! - Yes? I've warbled.
Are you diverting? We're doing it behind the wall.
- I can't see you.
- How could you, sir? - We're doing it behind the wall.
- All right.
Start again.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle.
- Frazer! Frazer! - Frazer! - He can't hear you, Mr Mainwaring.
- Give four pulls on his lifeline.
- Thank you very much.
One, two, three, four.
Get him up.
He don't half look a funny colour, Mr Mainwaring.
Perhaps he hasn't got enough air.
Sponge! More air! We're pumping as hard as we can, Mr Mainwaring.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes? You're standing on the pipe, you stupid boy.
- Help him off with his helmet.
- No, he might get the bends in his head.
- No one would tell the difference.
- Are you all right, Frazer? - All right now? - He still can't hear you, Mr Mainwaring.
He's all right.
Can't waste any more time.
All right, Corporal? - OK, sir.
- Right.
Once more.
Here we go.
Positions, everybody.
This time we'll get it right.
Right.
Here we What are you doing, you stupid boy? Right, take up your positions.
Everything ready? Off you go.
- What do you want, Warden? - What's going on? That's no concern of yours.
What we are doing is vital to the war effort.
A bloke in a diving suit pushing another bloke on a soapbox dressed in a log? - Vital to the war effort? - Yes.
- I'd never have believed it.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle.
Gurgle, gurgle.
- What's that? - That's the water gurgling past.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle! - Don't go away.
Gerald's got to see this.
Right.
Let's start again.
When Frazer reaches the point of the windmill I told you.
A bloke in a diving suit pushing another bloke on a soapbox dressed in a log.
- Don't call me a liar.
- You were right.
Here's your five bob.
Are they on our side? - Any sign of Main-waring's lot yet, Sergeant? - No, sir.
Nothing.
It's only a quarter to.
They're not due to start till two o'clock.
- I make it a quarter past, sir.
- What? Good heavens! Damn thing must have stopped.
I don't see how that Walmington-on-Sea lot will get across.
All the others have failed.
Well, keep your eye open for a lot of bushes.
Part of their master plan.
Ha-ha-ha.
- According to the verger.
- Is he reliable, sir? Of course he is.
He's my fifth column.
I've got him posted in a graveyard on the side of a hill.
He can see everything from there.
I'd better ring him up, see if he's OK.
(SNIPPING) (PHONE RINGS) Verger here.
Not yet, Captain Square, but I've got my eyes peeled.
- Let me know if anything moves.
- Yes, sir.
- A quick check now, before we go.
Jones? - Yes, sir? - Have you got the bomb between your legs? - Yes, it's quite comfy, sir.
Right-ho.
Right.
Glass in.
That's it.
Start the pump.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes.
Mr Frazer's just given four pulls on his lifeline.
That means he wants to come up.
He's already up, you silly boy.
- Stop pumping.
- Yes, sir.
- What's the matter, Frazer? - I just want to scratch my nose.
Oh Go on, hurry up.
- Is that enough? - That's it.
Right.
Start the pumps.
- Right.
You ready, Jones? - Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
- Good luck.
- Good luck, sir.
- Right.
Lower him down onto the raft.
- (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle.
- It won't go through, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh! Give it to me, you stupid boy.
There you are.
Right.
They've got to a place level with the windmill.
Take over the periscope, Pike.
- I'm going to sound the signal.
Got it? - Yes, sir.
Off we go, then.
What are you doing? (WARBLE) I think they've started, sir.
Look.
Over by that wall.
What the devil are they doing? Left, right, left, right Why are they drilling? They ought to be attacking us.
- It's typical of Main-waring's Blimp mentality.
- Could be a trick.
It's impossible.
I can count 15 rifles.
It's a whole platoon.
(MUFFLED ) I can't get the door open.
I can't get the door open.
I can't see.
I can't see! I can't get the door open.
I can't see.
Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Jones has fallen in the water.
Argh! (WILSON) Left, right, left, right.
About turn.
They're marching backwards.
Something damn fishy here.
Better ring the verger.
About turn! Left, left Lovely, isn't it? Left, right, left.
Left.
About turn.
(PHONE RINGS) - Verger here.
- What's going on behind that wall? - They've got a lot of rifles tied to poles.
- Have you been drinking? Pull yourself together, man.
(WARBLE) Oh, dear.
There's the signal for the second diversion.
Where can Joe have got to? - Charlie, haven't you started your diversion? - I've been waiting for you.
I've been helping Mr Wilson.
I can't be diverting everywhere.
Let's get on with it.
Put tin hats on the sheep and take them up to the mill.
Why put tin hats on the sheep? When they see them coming, they won't know if it's us dressed up as sheep.
While they're figuring it out, Jonesy will be in the mill.
Come on, darling.
(DOG BARKS) Hey! Clear off.
(BARKING) Clear off.
Clear off.
Oh, no.
All right.
You win.
Captain Square, they're moving towards you dressed as sheep with tin hats on.
- Dressed up as sheep with tin hats on.
- Verger, get off the lineI - Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones has reached the mill.
- Right.
We'll join Sergeant Wilson and the others at the rendezvous and move in for the kill.
- Have you caught the dreaded bends? - No! - Ah! There you are, Mr Yeatman.
- Oh, hello, sir.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
What are you doing? - I'm bird-watching, Your Reverence.
- I had no idea you were keen on ornithology.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Vicar, Walmington-on-Sea parish church.
Just a moment.
It's for you, Verger.
- Beautiful day, don't you think? - Yeah.
(ALARM RINGS) Listen, sir.
Sounds like an alarm clock.
Ah! It must be my gold hunter! - Yes.
I told you it was reliable.
- I thought it came from the back, sir.
By Jove! I say! Look over here! Over here.
By Jove! The verger was right.
They ARE dressed up as sheep with tin hats on.
How the devil did they manage it? Perhaps they're using midgets, sir.
We've won! We've won! - He's thrown the bomb in.
- Hooray! Argh! He's climbed up one of the sails! Come on.
Let's go and accept their surrender.
Help! Help, Mr Mainwaring.
Help! - Help, Mr Mainwaring.
- Hold on.
We'll have you down in a minute.
- I'm just going to accept their surrender.
- Yes? - I've come to accept your surrender.
- We threw the bomb back.
- We've won! - Absolute rubbish! We won.
- We won! - We won! Blimey, the sails are moving.
(JONES) Whoa! Whoa! I refuse to surrender and that's that.
- The sails are moving.
- What? - What shall we do? - Leave this to me.
- I'll stick something in the machinery.
- All right, sir.
I'll be all right.
Yes.
Don't panic.
I'll be all right.
It didn't work.
I'm all right.
Don't panic.
I'm all right.
Yes.
I'm all right.
Now, don't panic.
Aaargh!