Dad's Army (1968) s04e03 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? So to sum up Whatever form of transport we use, whether it be bicycles, van or any other form of vehicular transport, the whole thing boils down to one thing in the end - the three Fs.
Fast feet, functional feet and, last but not least, fit feet.
I have got here two diagrams issued by the Royal Army Medical Corps, and the first one .
.
showswhat a good foot should be.
Take the first metatarsal here - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
I am not formed as other men, sir.
- My foot's not the same as that, sir.
- Blimey, don't tell me they're webbed! That'll do, Walker.
In what way is your foot different, Jones? I haven't got a first meta I've got a big toe there, sir.
- Metatarsal is the medical term for toe, Jones.
- Thank you very much, sir.
The first metatarsal, second metatarsal, third metatarsal, fourth metatarsal - and last but not least - The piggy that went ''wee-wee-wee''.
- Not really a laughing matter, Wilson.
- Wellfunny - Hold that.
- Right, sir.
See how perfectly the line of the boot is, no pinching and no cramping.
In contrast to that I'm going to show you something rather nasty.
Show them your foot, Wilson.
- I beg your pardon? - Unroll your foot.
- Well, I really I don't quite - Let them see the diagram! Why didn't you say so, sir? There you see what can happen in a really bad-fitting shoe.
The first thing I'm going to do is check your boots and see that your feet fit properly.
- Right, sir.
- Right.
Sponge.
Yesyes, that seems all rightall right.
Pike.
- Are my metatarsals fighting fit? - Yes, they're very good, Pike.
- Very googood indeed.
- All right, sir? Yes, thank you, Sergeant.
Godfreyohh Put your foot up, Godfrey.
No, higher than that.
Whoa! Oh! - Get me a chair.
- A chair, Pike, please.
- We're not getting any younger, are we, sir? - Look to your front! - That chair's to put your foot on, Godfrey.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, that seems all right.
That should carry you a good 20 miles.
Thank you for your confidence, sir.
- Put it up, Walker.
- No worries, Mr Mainwaring, my feet are fine.
- Put it up.
- No, I've had my feet Do as you're told! Rather big feet, haven't you? I didn't realise what big feet you had, Walker.
- You know what they say, ''Big feet, big'' - Big what? Just an expression.
What's he talking about? (WHISPERS) Really? His nose looks absolutely normal to me.
- Hello.
Something strange here, Wilson.
- Why strange, sir? Very strange indeed.
- What's the meaning of that? - It's more comfy.
- You've ruined government property.
- They're not the ones I was issued.
I've 200 pairs in the stores.
I'll let you have some All right, that'll do.
See me afterwards.
Corporal.
Don't worry about my feet, sir.
I've got pretty feet, sir.
When I was in India, my feet were the talk of the cantonment.
Wandering one day nonchalantly through the bazaar by way of the shore down to the river, I noticed a young native woman doing a spot of dobeying.
I quickly stopped, whipped off my socks and boots - to wash my feet, you understand - when I heard her come murmuring towards me.
''Sundebaha, sundebaha.
'' That means ''You have got pretty feet.
'' I noticed one thing about that young woman I didn't notice before.
She was stripped to the waist, sir.
They do a lot of that All right, all right! Anyway, they seem in tip-top condition.
I bathe them in tea.
When I was in the Sudan we always bathed them in tea, sir.
- Tea? - What a good idea.
Indian or China? Don't be insolent, Godfrey.
Right! It seems to me we've got a great deal of work to do to get our feet up to scratch.
Starting from next weekend, we're going to do a series of long route marches.
Aw.
Boots, boots, boots, boots Pull me up and down again There's no discharge in the war Seven, six, eleven, five Nine and twenty miles a day Four, eleven, seventeen (WILSON) Come on, now, quick as you can.
It's been a long day.
Mark time in front Come on, the rest of you, mark time in front.
Right.
Through Through Halt! Well done, men.
Well done indeed.
That's five miles yesterday, seven miles today.
On the command ''Fall out'', take off your boots and prepare your feet for inspection.
- Corporal Jones.
- Hup.
Oh! I'll inspect the men's feet in five minutes.
Sergeant, come into the office.
- Of course, sir.
- Platoon, fall out.
Oh! Good to get the weight off one's feet.
- I asked you to come in here - Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind awfully if I was to sit down as well? - Why? Don't you feel well? - I feel fine, sir.
I just feel a bit tired, that's all.
- Didn't you sleep well? - Not for the last two or three hours.
- Sit down if you must.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
It's very good of you, sir.
- You and I have a certain position to uphold.
- Yes, of course.
- I'm a pretty shrewd judge of character.
- Of course, sir, yes.
Over the years we've known each other I've got to know your character pretty well.
You're not the brash, extrovert type of chap who's always bawling and shouting.
- You handle the men quietly and subtly.
- Thank you, sir.
I also got the feeling that you're a shy and sensitive man in many ways.
I therefore never do anything to embarrass you in front of the men, - or show you up in front of the platoon.
- Thank you, sir.
For that reason, I'm not going to ask you to have your feet inspected with the rest of the men.
That's very kind of you, sir.
So before we go out there and inspect the men's feet, - I'll have a look at yours here, in private.
- But you don't have to.
You don't have to inspect my feet, sir.
They're perfectly all right.
I don't doubt that they are but I have to be sure, don't I? Yes, of course, yes, yes.
- Take off your boot.
- Wha? Oh, come on, Wilson, it's only me.
- Now, look - Yes? We can't have one rule for some and another rule for others.
Yes, quite.
In that case, who is going to inspect your feet, sir? Yes.
Yes, I see your point.
Look here You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
- All right? - Yes.
(PROTESTING) Don't make a fuss! It's Captain Mainwaring's orders.
Jump to it and I'll get him.
Oh, sorry, sarge I didn't know it was private, sir.
Run along, Corporal.
- Platoon's ready for inspection, sir.
- Oh, right, jolly good.
(PIKE) My feet hurt, Mr Frazer.
Mine too, son, but we'll grin and bear it.
- I've the very thing.
Foot salve.
Sixpence a time.
- I don't want any of that rubbish.
- You haven't tried it yet.
- Can I have some, Joe? Sure, Pikey.
Now, then, if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it.
How about that? I bet that's better already.
- There.
- Thank you.
- Taffy? - Well - It's ever so soothing, Mr Frazer.
- Ohcarry on, Joe.
(FRAZER GIGGLES) - You won't regret this.
- All right, as long as I don't As long as I don't have to pay for it.
If you don't like it you don't have to pay for it.
I bet it feels better already.
Not bad.
Not bad, Joe, not bad at all.
Right.
Atten Attenshun! - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes, Corporal.
I'd like to volunteer to be the first soldier to have his feet inspected, sir.
- Very well.
- Thank you very much, sir.
That's very nice of you, thank you, sir.
Right, sir, I'm prepared, sir.
Ah! Oh! - Got very good reflexes, haven't you, Corporal? - Thank you, sir.
Yes, very good.
Good.
Got two blisters there.
See if Very good.
Yes, very good.
It's obvious we've got quite a lot of work to do.
As from tomorrow we're going to embark on an intensive course of feet hardening.
Some of us are not as young as we used to be, but I'm sure we'll all put a bold fa (SHRILL WHISTLE) I came, I saw, I conga'd I came, I saw, I conga'd It's plain to see you conquered me Each time I shake a shoulder I get a little bolder A dance like this deserves a kiss Get set Platoonhut! Slopearms! By the left, quick march! Left, left, left, right, left.
Pick those feet up! Pick them up! Aboutturn! - Left, right, left, right, left, right.
- Having a nice paddle? Ignore him, men! If the Nazis invade now, you'll be able to meet them halfway! Left, left, left, right, left.
I shouldn't go too far that way, Mr Mainwaring, there's a great big That's it! If I had a talking picture of yo-ou I would run it every time I felt blu-ue (MAINWARING'S VOICE) Left, left, left, right, left.
Left, left, left, right, left.
- Left, left, left, right, left.
- Mum? - Left, left, left, right, left.
- Mum? - Left, left, left, right, left.
- Mum? - Left, left, left, right, leftI - Mum! - Left, right, left.
Left, left - Aa-aah! Mum! Mum! - Frank! What on earth's the matter? - Look! Me feet! There's nothing wrong with your feet, Frank.
- I was having a nightmare, Mum.
- Oh.
I dreamt I dreamt we were marching and my feet were all swollen up and horrible.
Oh, never mind.
It's all over now.
Now you can go back to sleep.
It's all that marching you've been doing.
I've a few words to say to Captain Mainwaring.
He's only trying to make our feet tough, Mum.
Your feet won't stand it.
You've got sensitive feet.
You've always had sensitive feet since you were a child.
Runs in the family.
Your Uncle George had such sensitive feet he didn't know where to put them.
- Would you like a hot drink? - No, thanks, Mum.
All right, then.
Mum? - Frank? - Goodnight.
Night, Frank.
Mum? - Frank? - Can I have a drink of water, please? All right, Frank.
I'll leave the light on.
Mum! - Frank! - Kitchen water, not bathroom water.
Right.
You don't have to tell me, I know Oh, blimey, look at that! Another route march on Sunday! - We'll never do it.
It'll kill us.
- I don't think I can take any more.
Frank, I'm going to have this out with Captain Mainwaring here and now.
- I feel such a fool.
- I can't help that.
- Evening.
- Good evening.
- Hello, Mavis.
- I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring, Arthur.
- He hasn't arrived yet.
- Have you seen Frank's feet? - I haven't noticed them recently.
- They're in a terrible state.
- He woke up screaming in the night.
- Really? I didn't hear him.
- (CLENCHED TEETH) Arthur! - Sorry.
- Mum? - Mm? Uncle Arthur lives miles away.
How could he hear me in the night? Never you mind about that.
Go and stand over there.
Arthur, you're going to tell Captain Mainwaring that Frank's not going on any more marches.
Mavis, I can't possibly do that.
If you don't and Frank wakes up in the night again, you won't be there to hear it! - Uncle Arthur? - Yes? - I've got an idea.
- I'm delighted.
If Mr Mainwaring's feet hurt, he can't go on the route march, can he? That's right, he wouldn't be able to, no.
We've got to get a pair of boots like Mr Mainwaring's, only a size smaller, and swap them over.
That's an awfully good idea, Frank.
Very clever indeed.
I bet nobody has ever thought of an idea like that.
All we've got to do is get a pair of boots the same as Mr Mainwaring wears, only a bit smaller, and swap them over.
No, he'd tumble it.
We'll go to the shop he gets his boots, make them look a bit worn, he'll never know.
That's awfully clever.
I bet no one's ever thought of an idea like that.
And in my shoes sent from Havana Heylisten, let me do the talking.
Charlie, when I give you a signal, say you feel faint and want a glass of water.
- A glass of water? All right.
- This is going to cost us a fortune.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- My friend would like some brown boots.
Are you sure you don't want black boots? Brown ones are only for officers.
- Ah He's going to be an officer, aren't you? - Yes, I'm going to be an officer.
You've certainly got the experience to be an officer.
- What size? - I should probably be a big officer.
- Size of boots, you fool.
- I'd like a size eight, please.
- Eight.
- Thank you.
- Mr Mainwaring gets his boots here? - That's right.
- He'd like a pair like Mr Mainwaring's.
- Yes, like Mr Mainwaring's, please.
- Very well.
- Er, mister, how much is all this going to cost? - 36 shillings the pair.
- Thirty?! Nine shillings, he told Joe! For God's sake induce the man to find something cheaper.
- There we are.
- Oh, you don't look very well, Mr Godfrey.
You'd better sit down.
You look a bit pale.
He's a bit pale.
- Could I have a glass of water? - Yes, a glass of water.
Yes, I'll get one.
Thank you.
Quick, swap these over for half a size smaller than what Mr Mainwaring takes.
Right.
Right.
All right.
All right.
What size does he take? He takes Blimey, I don't know.
Do you know, Taffy? - How should I? - Do you, Charlie? - Know what? - Never mind.
Listen When he comes back with the water, drink it fast and ask for another one.
There you are, sir.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well.
Oh, thank you.
- That wasn't enough, was it, Godfrey? - Do you think I could have another one? Oh.
Oh.
Certainly.
Well done, Charlie.
You didn't ask him what size Mr Mainwaring's boots were.
I didn't have time.
Charlie, drink the glass down as quick as you can and ask for another one.
- I don't think I can drink another one.
- Force yourself.
While he's drinking it, you ask what size boots Mr Mainwaring takes.
Right-o.
I thought I'd bring plenty.
He You'd like another one.
He'd like another one, yes.
- I'll help you.
- Oh! What size of boot does Mr Mainwaring take? Mr Mainwaring has a very small foot.
He takes a six and a half.
- Why? - He'd like some more.
Hang on, I'll help you.
Careful, you're spilling it! Joe, you're dicing with death filling the man up like this.
I think that's enough, thank you.
- Jonesy! - What - You'd like a drop of water, wouldn't you? - Oh, yes.
Thank you very much.
I did a lot of work in the Sudan, you know.
I can't get enough water, really.
When he was out in the Sudan he nearly died of thirst.
- Oh, dear.
- I nearly died of thirst in the Sudan, I did.
- I nearly died of it.
- Don't finish it all.
It's finished.
Seeing all these people drinking has made me thirsty.
Can you get more? Oh.
- God! - Right, swap these for a size six.
- Right.
Six, sixes.
- All right.
Right.
Right.
- All right, Jonesy, six.
- Don't panic, don't panic.
- We want a six.
- Size six, I know, I know.
Wait a minute.
- Size six.
- Oh, watch! - Is that a size six? - No, not Wait a minute.
Whoa! Well done.
Well.
- What's happened? - We thought we saw a mouse.
- More of a little mouse than anything - Right, we'll take these.
- Doesn't he want to try them on? - Oh, no, no, no.
He doesn't want his feet to be seen.
He's very sensitive about his toes.
- What's wrong with them? - He had his toes tortured in the Sudan.
Yes, they tortured my toes terribly.
They were terrible toe torturers.
- Right, pay the man, Taffy.
Taffy.
- Me pay? Me? - 36 shillings for boots, it's highway robbery.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
Bye.
- Wait a minute.
What about the coupons? Blimey, coupons! Hang on.
How many do you want? - Where on earth did you get all those coupons? - I've got a big family.
Before we go I Do you think I could be excused a moment? There's no time.
No time.
That's funny.
I've never seen any mice in here.
And in my shoes sent from Havana - Oh, good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Good afternoon.
I'd rather like to get a pair of brown boots for this young man.
- Brown, eh? Is he going to be an officer as well? - What? - Only officers are allowed to wear brown boots.
- Are they? Yes, yes.
Yes, that's right, yes, he's going to be an officer as well.
- He's a bit young for an officer.
- Well, he's frightfully keen.
- I bet you're a proud father.
- I don't quite follow you.
- Your son becoming an officer.
- Yes, well, he's He's - He's not my son.
- That's funny, I could have sworn Would you mind awfully just going away and getting the boots? - So sorry.
- Thank you very much.
- What size does the young man take? - What sizewhat size? - Nines.
- Nines.
- Right.
- Please.
- I want the same sort as Mr Mainwaring.
- Don't they all?! - Here you are.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Will one glass be sufficient? - What? - Of water.
You're feeling faint, aren't you? Very clever of you.
Very clever indeed.
How did you guess? I'll get you one.
Frank, quick as you can, change these into a size six.
Quick as you can.
Hurry up.
- There are no sixes here, Uncle.
- Try higher up.
Go on.
Don't make such a noise.
Quick as you can.
- Come on, Frank.
- Seven, eight, ten, eight - There's no sixes, Uncle.
- Try higher up, then.
Mum'll have a fit when she finds out you sent me up so high.
I get vertigo.
All right, Frank, all right.
That's enough.
I think I've got a size six here.
You can come down now.
- You did me a very nasty injury just then.
- I'm sorry.
Come and sit down.
Come on.
- Ah, here.
- Thank you so much.
We saw a mouse.
That's all right.
I've brought the cat.
- That's a good job, anyway.
- What are you talking about? Good job Mrs Mainwaring makes him sleep with her in the air-raid shelter every night.
Easier for you to change the boots.
I nearly took my head off trying to get through that small door! - Have you changed the boots, Uncle? - Keep your voice down.
- Did you? - Yes.
- Morning, men.
- Morning, sir.
- Fall the men in.
I'm going to get the map.
- Right, sir, right.
Would you mind falling in, please? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
- Good morning, Mr Mainwaring.
- Morning.
- I've brought the boots you left for repair.
- Oh, thank you.
I thought you said as leather was so short I'd have to wait another month.
I managed to find you a bit.
It was the least I could do.
After all, you sent me all those customers.
Really? I think I'll change into these.
These are pinching me a bit.
- I'll put them on your account.
- Right.
I give him half a mile before those boots pinch him and he has to pack it up.
What do you say? - I'll give him further.
I'll give him a mile.
- He'll never do a mile.
- I say he will.
- Ten bob? You're on.
Ah, that's better.
Platoon, atten-shun! Now, men, 20 miles is a long march but if I can do it so can you.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes, Corporal.
As long as you can keep going, sir, we'll be right behind you.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Right.
Platoon will move to the left in threes.
Left turn! Now, let's start off with a merry heart.
- Corporal Jones - Sir.
Lead off in single file! Platoon, with a merry heart, quick march.
(ALL WHISTLE ''ROLL OUT THE BARREL'')