Dad's Army (1968) s04e04 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Pay attention, everyone.
I've brought you to the Scouts' dressing room because the vicar has made a special request to hold some function or other in the main hall.
I want to review the disposition of our troops in the somewhat broader - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.
.
.
broader strategical picture as it now is.
In other words, where to tell Jonesy to stick his bayonet? Listen, Walker Now, Hitler is across the Channel here, licking the wounds we inflicted on him at Dunkirk.
But make no mistake, he is a desperate and dangerous man.
Perhaps even more so now that he's become enmeshed with our ally the Russian bear.
- I always thought they were communists.
- We won't go into that now, Godfrey.
In times of stress one can't be too choosy about one's bedfellows.
As Robinson Crusoe said when he met Man Friday.
We are standing shoulder to shoulder here, on the shores of dear old Blighty.
In the middle, Jack Tar is ruling the waves - and in the skies above us are - The Brylcreem boys.
The Brylcree I told you before.
As I was saying You're late on parade, Pike.
- Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, sir.
- There's far too much of this laxity going on.
- What did he say? - There's too much laxity.
Funny thing to give a lecture about.
What have you got to say, Pike? Mum wouldn't let me have my tea till I'd tidied my room.
- You should come without your tea.
- She wouldn't let me.
I'm going to take a very serious view of this absence without leave.
- Take his name, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
Yes.
As I say, the enemy is here, in his phalanxes, andwe - Sergeant, did you take his name? - Yes, sir, yes.
- You didn't write it down.
- I don't have to.
I know it.
I tell you to take a man's name down in case you forget it.
I'm hardly likely to forget it.
I've known him for 19 years.
It's not that you'd forget the man's name, it's so you won't forget you've taken it.
- Is that clear? - Yes, sir.
He doesn't make himself clear to me.
NowI - Why the handkerchief? - Tying a knot in it, sir.
- What for? - To remind me to take down Pike's name.
- Simpler to write it down.
- I've no paper.
I'd have thought that as a senior NCO you'd have the initiative to borrow paper.
- Can anybody lend Sergeant Wilson paper? - No.
No, no, you see, you didnae want us to have anything in our pockets on duty.
- Just our rank, name and number.
- In case one of us was captured.
You didn't want to show any intelligence.
Some of us haven't got too much to show.
- All right, sit down, Corporal.
- Don't start.
Corporal, sit down.
You see me after the parade.
- It was only a joke.
- War is no joke.
- What was I saying? - Stick it.
Stick it on the board.
- What? - Pike's name! - Good suggestion.
Do that, Sergeant.
- Of course, sir.
- Where's the chalk? - I don't know.
- You had it earlier.
- I haven't got it.
- It's down there.
- Thank you, very kind of you.
Thank you.
- I find that exceedingly humiliating.
- Don't be a Jessie.
What does it matter? I'll tell my mum and she won't give him his egg.
As I was sayingHitler and his lackey Mussolini are here, across the Channel.
We are guarding our strong points at Stones Amusement Arcade here, and the Novelty Rock Emporium here, and our advanced headquarters in the middle here, at the Marigold Tea Rooms.
Here we come to a rather serious tactical point.
It's quite on the cards that Adolf has got these places very well taped.
They have been here quite a long time and he has air reconnaissance, photographs, espionage reports and so on.
In short, he could well observe our comings and goings.
- What are we going to do about it? - Don't go so often.
You're being very tedious today, Walker.
When we was in the Sudan we used to have to employ a little wrinkle.
When the fuzzy-wuzzies discovered where our headquarters was, we had to move elsewhere, and when they came at us with their great weapons to the place where we wasn't, we fired on them from the place where we was.
Then we went in with cold steel and they couldn't abide that, they didn't like it - All right, thank you very much.
- I haven't finished yet.
You've made your point.
He doesn't let you finish, does he? Right.
Now, then.
So if Hitler thinks that we are here or here, as from tonightwe are in fact going to behere.
- Can anybody tell me what that is? - A box with a dunce's cap on.
- No, it's Harris's Orphanage holiday home hut.
- Quite right, Walker.
The Harris Orphans' holiday home hut.
It has a good strategic position, very good observation and an all-round field of fire.
And three dozen screaming kids.
No, no, they were removed to a safer place after Dunkirk.
They used to wear little blue aprons and little straw hats and built marvellous sandcastles.
I used to want to join in because they looked so happy.
Yes, Godfrey.
Now My sister and I had them to tea and we had cream buns.
You should have seen how they tucked in.
I've forgotten the taste of cream buns.
At the Marigold Tea Rooms they used to fill the buns with cream while you waited.
I always use to lick the sugar off first.
It used to go up your nose and made you sneeze.
It was very difficult All right, Sergeant.
Keep quiet, everybody! I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
- Can we get back to the tactical situation? - Yes, I'm so sorry.
Right.
Now, if Hitler takes us hereor here from now on we shall give him everything we've got from here.
The Harris Orphans' holiday home (ALL) Hut! Sir.
Atten Attenshun! - All right, as you were.
- As you were! Come on, Godfrey, as you were, at the double.
Sit down as the officer said.
- I thought Wilson was in charge.
- Yes, sir, but I'm second-in-charge.
- Where's Wilson? - He was drowsy so I said to have 40 winks.
command, supposed to be alert at all times.
I know, sir, but II said I'd wake him up as soon as the invasion started, sir.
- Oh.
Wilson! Wilson! - Give it a rest, Mavis, please.
- Wilson, wake up! - I'm so sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.
- Is anything wrong? - Come outside.
Right, sir.
Right.
Now, Wilson Wilson! - Will you come outside? - Yes, sorry, I'm putting on my boots.
- When I give an order, jump to it! - Of course, sir.
Yes, sir? Yes? - Where's your hat? - Here, sir, here.
- Well, put it on.
- Right, sir.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Would you mind holding that for a moment? It's very difficult to do this without a mirror.
Awfully difficult.
- There, is that quite nice, do you think? - Oh, never mind that! - You're supposed to be setting an example.
- Yes.
How can they be on their toes if you're asleep? Nothing very much was happening so I thought I'd have a little nap.
I've had so many disturbed nights lately, what with the air raids and one thing and another.
I'm not interested in your excuses.
If excuses they be.
You're going to have to pull yourself together, aren't you, Wilson? If the rest of them can stay awake, you're going to have to, aren't you? Or else stand down for somebody who can.
- If you're dissatisfied, I wouldn't dream - That's all.
- Any sign of them, Frazer? - Of course not.
No Christian soul would venture out on a black night like this.
It's too dark for a randy tomcat.
Be that as it may, keep a sharp lookout.
Will there be a cup of tea on the way to help clear my eyesight? - Yes, Pike's coming with one.
- Good.
- Any chance of a cup of char, sir? - Pike will be along with one.
Pay attention a minute, will you? Wilson has told me that he has great difficulty putting his hat on without a mirror.
I'll give you a little wrinkle which I think you will find invaluable.
- Lend me your hat.
- Right.
Thanks.
You put it on roughly at first, like that, and then take the forefinger and push it up your nose.
Up the outside, of course.
Now, you feel buttons, you see, with the finger, and align the hat thus.
You see? Then put it on one side, as usual and there you are.
On active service, even without a mirror, there's no excuse for not being turned out properly.
Arthur! It's ever so dark and I swear someone was following me along the prom.
- Mavis, it's hardly likely.
- Not everyone finds me unattractive, Arthur.
I didn't mean that, Mavis.
What with the blackout and so on, you look just as attractive as anybody else.
I meansorry, I didn't mean that.
- Frank forgot your biscuits.
Where is he? - He hasn't arrived yet.
But he left ten minutes before I did, with the flask! - Arthur, what's happened to him? - How should I know? - He's only a baby.
You should take care of him.
- I know.
- Perhaps the prowler's got him.
- Perhaps he is the prowler.
- What?! - Walker! I shouldn't worry, Mrs Pike.
Probably lost his way in the blackout.
He's probably got entangled with some lady follower.
I used to do a lot of that, you know.
- In springtime the maidens get a bit lust - All right, all right.
- I know something's happened to him.
Arthur! - All right, Mavis.
(HISSING AND SHOUTING) - Heavens.
- What was that? - What is it? - I thought I heard a faint cry.
He-elp.
- He-elpI - Over there by the water's edge.
- He-elpI - What's going on? HelpI (MEN CHATTER) Quiet.
Absolute quiet, please.
- HelpI - That's Pike.
- Arthur! - All right, Mavis, all right.
Are you all right, Pike? I've hurt me leg and I'm caught in the barbed wire.
Stupid boy.
What's he doing out there? Probably lost his way and went through the gap in the wire.
Arthur, don't leave him there in agony.
Help him back.
All right, Mavis.
Would one of you mind helping me over the wire? I wouldnae try that if I was you, Sergeant.
You'd be blown to smithereens before you took ten paces.
- Good Lord! - God, he's in a minefield! - Arthur! He's in a minefield! - We'll have him out.
- Sergeant, ring the Engineers to clear a path.
- Right, sir, right away.
It's a miracle the boy wasn't blown up getting out there.
Permission to give young Private Pike a few words of advice and encouragement? - Yes, of course.
- Oi, Pikey! Don't cheer up, boy, don't move a muscle, or you'll get blown to kingdom come! It's cold and wet out there.
Him with his delicate chest, too.
You ought to take more care of him, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm waging war, Mrs Pike, not running a clinic.
- What news? - I'm on to them now, sir.
It's terribly kind of you, but if you could possibly get here a teeny weeny bit sooner, we would be most awfully grateful.
Thank you so much, very kind of you.
Goodbye.
Well? They're having trouble with a landmine, sir.
They'll be about three hours.
- Three hours? - Indeed.
Well, he'll just have to wait.
Serve him right.
Teach him to be more careful in future.
- He'll drown.
- Eh?! If you wait three hours, he'll drown.
The tide's coming in fast.
He's right! When the tide's up you can't even see that wire.
Arthur, you've got to save my boy.
He's too young to die.
- He's got all his life before him.
- Mavis, let me think for one moment, please.
While you're thinking, the water's coming up and my Frank can't swim! - I'm going to get him.
- Stop, come back.
There are mines everywhere.
- Calm! Calm! Pikey, your mother's coming! - Be quiet.
I've an idea.
Why don't we get a boat and rescue him by the sea? The nearest's Salthaven.
By the time we'd rowed back he'd have been drowned an hour.
- Oh, Arthur! - Try and choose your words more carefully.
- Did anybody see this minefield laid? - Yes, I did.
Itit made a sort ofcrazy pattern.
Come in and I'll show you.
I'll use these shells.
The little orphans used to collect them.
Pretty, aren't they? - Hold one to your ear and you hear the sea.
- Yes, yes, all right! The mines were laid in rows, about five of them, and they were laid about five yards apart in a pattern like that, sir.
Yes, I see.
We can assume that if Pike were lying here, there'd be a clear path through to the hut.
If we pick the wrong spot, we'll step on five of them.
I read a pamphlet about it.
I think the done thing is to prod the ground and feel for the mine, you see.
- Prod it and feel for it.
Prod and feel - Yes Yes Yes Very good thinking.
Why don't we prod with a bayonet and if we feel anything we can detour ourselves? Hang on, what about the scaffolding and barbed wire? That's for tanks.
It's no obstacle to us.
We have to cut the wire.
- I've cutters in my shed.
- The very thing.
Go on.
We can't wait for the Engineers.
We'll start clearing a path ourselves.
- We'll mark a route for you to follow.
- Right.
- We could use these little flags.
- Ideal.
Off you go.
The orphans used to stick them on their sandcastles.
They looked awfully gay.
Yes.
I know I don't need to ask for volunteers, so come on, follow me.
Right.
- Keep as close as you can.
- Aye.
- Arthur! Not you.
Don't you go.
- What is it? - What are you talking about? - I couldn't bear to lose you both.
- Let the others do it.
- There are some things one has to do, - otherwise one isn't a man.
- You've always managed somehow, Arthur.
Not now, please, Mavis.
Oh, dear! Help! (MAINWARING) All right, Pike, we're comingI It's possible we're going to have to carry him out, so clear a path wide enough for two.
Captain Mainwaring, I'd like to volunteer to clear a path wide enough for two.
- Your time will come later.
- Then let me do the prodding, sir.
No, Sergeant Wilson and I will lead.
Sergeant Wilson, come here! Just coming, sir.
I just had to have a little chat with Mrs Pike.
This is no time for that sort of thing.
Sergeant Wilson and I will lead.
You, Corporal, will mark the route.
- Very good, sir.
- Not now! Wait! Godfrey and Frazer will bring up the rear.
Where is Godfrey? - He's not here, sir.
- Not here? I don't understand.
- Don't you? Seems crystal clear to me.
- What are you trying to say? It's always the same, the slightest first whiff of danger and he's off.
- Like a scared weasel.
- You've no call to speak like that.
- Well, he's not here, is he? - Begging my pardon, sir, Private Godfrey's frequently not here on account he has to stay behind 'cause he has to go - You what? - He gets taken short, sir.
Oh, yes, I see.
No doubt he'll follow.
Right, give me the torch, Wilson.
- I haven't got the torch, sir.
- I remember telling you to bring it.
The word torch never ever passed your lips.
- You know that you are responsible for the torch.
- We've had all this out before, sir.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Well done.
- You shine it, Frazer.
- Aye, sir.
Grab a bayonet, Sergeant.
I'll take this one.
- What are you doing, Corporal? - You touched my bayonet.
You touched it! - I was only borrowing your bayonet, man.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
It's a reflex action, you see, sir.
Years of sleeping in the bush veldt.
Pull yourself together.
Right, here we go.
Good luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck to you, sir.
- Now, Wilson.
- Yes, sir.
Make quite surethat there's nothing in front of you before you advance.
- Follow? - I do, sir.
I certainly will.
Right.
It's pretty soft here.
It feels all right.
Yes, it is all right.
Wilsonthere's no need to prod every inch like that.
- No, sir.
- These things are at least eight inches apart.
I know, sir, but I think one can't really be too careful.
Right.
Come on.
Move on.
- I think it's all right, sir.
- Permission to speak, sir? - If it wasn't all right, I think we'd know by now.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Better start marking the route.
Pass me a flag.
- Here we are.
Can't possibly use that one.
Have this French one, they're fairly reliable.
- Right.
Prod on, Wilson.
- Right, sir.
- Who's there? - It's only me, Mrs P.
- Oh, my heart.
I thought you were the prowler.
- No, better luck next time.
- Where are they? - Down there, I think.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes? - Hurry up, the tide's coming in! - We're coming as quickly as we can.
Sir, I think I've found something.
Feel like a mine? Difficult to know, sir.
I haven't much experience of this sort of thing.
One hardly likes to overplay one's hand, so to speak, in order to find out.
- Let me feel.
- Right, you feel.
- Something there.
- Yeah? - Clear the sand away from it.
- Right.
Wilson! The boy will drown if we don't get to him quickly! Clear the sand away! Oh, for heaven's sake! Are you there, sir? What's that? ''A Handbook Of Field Engineering And Mine Warfare''.
- What on earth's that? - ''How to lay a minefield''.
Oh, God! Oh, blimey! Halt! Who goes there, friend or German? - It's only me.
- How did you get here? It struck me that if you could come by the water's edge, so could I.
I've brought you a pair water wings.
If they should take a long time to get here, it'll help you keep afloat.
- You can't swim yourself.
- I've got two pairs of water wings.
- I've brought a blanket, in case you were cold.
- Thanks very much, Mr Godfrey.
- What would Mum would say if I caught a chill? - Better start blowing these up.
- Right, Jones.
- (WALKER) Mr MainwaringI - Yes, we're here, Walker.
- Right.
Mr Mainwaring, sir, I bet that poor young Pikey's getting a bit anxious.
I expect he is.
Come on, Pikey boy! We're coming for you, Pikey! All right.
Please, Jones, I don't think my nerves can stand much more of that.
I was only giving him a few words of encouragement.
- Don't.
Keep quiet.
- Right, sir.
- Hello.
I found something.
- And here, sir.
And there.
They must be much closer than you thought, Frazer.
It could be a stone, sir.
Wait a minute.
Let's clear this and see if we can lift it out.
Wait a minute, sir! Some have booby trap devices for trapping boobies.
Shut up, Jones.
It's metal all right.
Not very big.
Here, sir, I've got the clippers.
What's happening? Every time I open my mouth, he tells me to shut it.
- It's a mine.
- Can't we skirt round it, sir? There's another here.
Be careful, some are booby-trapped.
You touch the wire and (ALL TALK AT ONCE) For heaven's sake! There's some writing on this.
''Notgnimlawotemoclew''.
Must be Russian.
- Thought they were on our side.
- These are our mines.
Of course! The whole thing gets so confusing.
Let's get past.
Let's have a look.
''Welcome to Walmington''? It's a kid's bucket.
They're very similar in shape.
Mrs Pike, I hear there's trouble.
Where's Napoleon? Down there, saving my boy.
Why's he flashing that light? Doesn't he know there's a raid on? He'll have the Jerry planes buzzing round here like gnats.
- Put that light out! - (MAINWARING) Mind your own business.
- It's an emergency.
- Anything you touch is an emergency, mate! Ruddy hooligan.
I lay ten to one he blows himself up.
It's all right, Mave, your boy will be all right, don't you worry.
- Nearly through, Pike.
Stay where you are.
- Yes, just stay where you are.
I can't do much else, can I, UncleSergeant? I've got a piece of rusty barbed wire sticking in me bum! - Pass me thosecutters.
- There you are, sir.
I'd like to volunteer to do the clippers, sir Will you shut up? I'm sick of the sound of your voice! - I've never known him like this before.
- He's worried, you fool.
Why, has he got trouble at home? We're there, Pike.
Could you clip the bit that's sticking into me you-know-what first? Ah! Oh, you've no idea what a relief that is, Mr Mainwaring.
Right, do you think you can crawl out after us now? I'll try butmy ankle don't half hurt.
We ought to have brought a blanket to drag him.
Would you care for a cup of tea before you start back? - Godfrey, how on earth did you get there? - I came along from the bathing camp.
- I thought he'd be frightened.
- You might have been blown to pieces! I'm terribly sorry, there's no sugar.
I stupidly left it in the hut.
I brought a blanket, though.
You were very, very foolish, Godfrey.
Damn brave, all the same.
A man of steel, just like I always said.
The water's getting awfully close, sir.
Taffy, you go back and shine the light.
Wilson and I will drag him on the blanket.
All right.
Spread the weight about in case you go over a deep one.
I'll carry on with the prodding in case you missed one, sir.
All right, son, here we go.
- Right, Sergeant, one, two, threeheave! - Oh! I'll be glad when Mum gets a poultice on it.
- Heave! - It was sticking right in, you know.
- Heave! - It was all rusty an' all.
- Heave! - It'd be a pity if I died from lockjaw now.
Do be quiet! I think I've struck something, sir.
- Let me through.
- Right, sir.
- Let's have a look.
- Hey-hey.
I forgot.
Sorry, sir.
There's something there all right.
What are you doing there, praying to Mecca? Stand quite still.
You could be blown sky-high.
What? This is the Engineer officer who laid the mines and it's all clear 'ere.
Oh, yes, it's all clear 'erehere.
We didn't lay any in this part.
You're a right fool down there with your little bayonet poking about.
You could have marched a regiment across.
The mines stopped 200 yards up the beach.
- In that case, what's this? - Oh.
Gawd blimey, it's a mine! A right one you are! All right, stay where you are, everybody.
Don't panic.
Don't panic! Keep still, Jones! You got me into this, now get me out of it! Stand absolutely still.
Nobody move an inch.
- What do you suggest we do after that? - Wellcould you lend me your bayonet?