Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e13 Episode Script
The Return of Wheel O
Moving to Vancouver? It's a great opportunity, and I can put Wessex behind me.
Yeah, you can put Wessex a long way behind you.
Yeah.
So, I was wondering if I could come to Vancouver with you.
We could start up again.
I've matured a lot and I think we could really make this work.
Why would you want to do that? No offence, but I don't want to go all the way to Vancouver just to get stuck in the same dead-end relationships I have here.
Right.
Dan? Huh? Oh, sorry, the job in Vancouver, that's great for you, really great, Claire.
You know, I was thinking, would you ever consider coming out to Vancouver with me? I think we have something together and even though it took a lot of things to realize that, I really want you to come.
Wow, to Vancouver? Are you serious? Everything I know is here.
What would I do there? I'd have nothing.
No, I just thought-- Pretty self-centred, Claire, even for you.
Claire? Sorry, what? Did you say something? No.
Did you? No.
Don't worry about the poll.
5% is still okay.
And the margin of error is 7%, so you could be at 12%.
I didn't know there was a poll.
Then don't worry about what I just said.
I'm at 5%? But you're in second place, ahead of Wheel-O.
By a lot? Yeah, he's at 4 and a half percent.
Hey, there's only one poll that matters and that's the one on election day.
Yeah, you're right.
We committed.
Let's go get some votes.
That's the spirit.
And then, after it's over, we'll have a big party.
It's going to be awesome.
I like it.
Where are we doing that, anyway? Uhh, here, obviously.
Is there any place other than Fern's? You haven't booked it? No, but I will.
You get out there.
We've got an election to win.
Yeah! Yeah! And just in case, maybe work on a concession speech.
Yeah, just in case.
Yeah! And here's where you'll be.
Thanks again for volunteering.
Well, I want to help you win.
More importantly, I want to help Dan lose.
Well, Dan should be able to handle that himself.
So, what do I do? Pass out pamphlets? Put up signs? Egg Dan's house? Hey, Fern, forgot to book Dan's election party so I just want to do it now.
No problemo.
Does it have to be election night? That's kind of the traditional time.
No can do, already booked.
What? Anita's having her victory party here.
Anita? Times are tight and she booked a long time ago.
Plus, I'm dating her.
What? Why would you-- You heard me, she booked a long time ago.
Okay, well, thank you for your support, and vote Vargas.
Okay, bye.
You're upbeat.
Oh, a friend of mine just died.
Oh.
Well, not a friend, really, an acquaintance.
She was our MP.
I heard about that.
Yeah, great woman.
But now she's dead and they're going to need a new MP, someone who knows Wessex, someone like me.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, going to the funeral later.
I can hardly wait.
How are you doing? I was a little down, but I decided to channel my energy into something constructive: destroying Dan.
Good for you.
Well, it's no funeral, but you got to stay positive.
Yeah.
What? Fern's is booked? I'm sorry.
I forgot.
Ah, this whole campaign has been an exercise in futility.
I wouldn't call it an exercise.
Claire's moving to Vancouver.
She got a great job there, thanks to you.
What? I thought she was going to work in Toronto.
No, she's moving to Vancouver.
Haven't you seen me moping around? I thought you were down about the campaign.
I couldn't care less about the campaign.
You did a great job though, and remember, the only poll that counts is the one on election day.
I was only saying that to cheer you up.
You're going to get crushed.
I know.
But hey, that's okay.
That means you can go to Vancouver.
I didn't offer.
She didn't ask.
Oh, then you're right, this was an exercise in futility.
John? Uhh, yes.
Alan Duffy, Deputy Mayor of Wessex.
We met at the event, you know, a few years back in the location.
Oh, of course, Allan.
It's nice to see you.
Yeah.
So sad, isn't it? Yeah, great woman, irreplaceable.
Still, at some point, you got to think about replacing her.
Not today.
No, but soon.
I'm a team player.
I know Wessex.
Allan, umm, I really don't think this is the time.
Totally agree.
I do what I'm told.
No independent thinking here.
I mean, I would represent the people of Wessex, but I wouldn't pay any attention to them.
Maybe we could talk about this over coffee some time.
Yes, thank you.
Go, Allan! Yes, I'm calling from the Crush Dan Campaign and I was hoping we could count on your support to crush Dan on election day.
Okay, I'll put you down as a maybe.
Okay, well, have a great day.
Crush Dan.
It's really hard to get people to commit.
Maybe you would be better off stuffing envelopes.
No, I kind of like phoning people, you know, help Anita really get the "crush Dan" message out there.
Mike, you're a good guy.
You're just in a bad place right now, but you can change that.
You think? Definitely.
You just need to go, talk to Dan and get out of this place that you're in.
If you go, talk to Dan, then you'll be in another place, a better place, away from this place.
I get it.
You want me out of here.
Yeah.
You're scaring the others.
How's the last-minute campaigning? I haven't really been campaigning.
Yeah, I guess you can't win.
It's not that, though I can't.
It's just, you know, once it's over, you'll leave.
It's only Vancouver.
It's like a five-hour flight.
Or a four-day car trip, a week-long bus ride.
It's only three time zones.
Jump in here any time.
Okay, I got to tell you something and it might come as a bit of a shock.
I ran for mayor because of you.
Oh, okay.
And the shock part? Well, as dumb as it sounds, I wanted to impress you.
As dumb as it sounds, it worked.
I want to go to Vancouver with you.
I want you to come with me.
Just to be clear, we're talking about living together, right? Yes.
Great, 'cause rents out there are crazy.
My CDs, obviously.
Sure.
And I'm guessing you don't have a novelty "pencil in the eye socket" pencil sharpener.
Nope, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Hey, there's a new poll, and you're up.
Really? 6%.
That's impossible.
Give yourself more credit.
No, Wheel-O, it says he's got 10%.
Must be a misprint.
I'm four points behind a guy in a rainbow wig.
And a unicycle.
Don't joke.
I can't come in third.
I got to call Jeff.
We got to get on this.
What difference does it make? We're going to Vancouver.
I know, but my goal in this has always been to place second.
When this is over, I need to know I did everything possible to be the second best I can be.
Well, I'm not going to stand in the way of you reaching below your full potential.
Well, I don't want to be pushy but I think I'm your man, a voice for Wessex in Ottawa.
Oh, Allan.
I got posters.
We could really use help putting them up.
Just in a meeting.
Sorry.
I'm lending my weight to the Vargas campaign.
Excellent.
Actually, it was when I joined Anita's campaign that she really took off.
Impressive.
Well, in fairness, it's because you dropped out of the race.
You were running for mayor? Yes, front-runner, actually.
But I decided to focus on bigger issues than just the city.
And he was embroiled in a financial scandal.
Don't you have posters to put up? No, but you do.
Hello, Dan.
Oh, hey.
Can I come in? I was just on my way-- Great.
Listen, Dan, you probably haven't even noticed, but I've been a little off my game lately, and frankly, I thought you were the cause.
But I had a hand in it too and I just want to say that I'm sorry for blaming you for everything, when really, I should have just blamed you for a lot of the things.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks, I guess.
You moving? Oh, uhh, no, just packing up campaign stuff I don't need now that the election's almost over.
This one has CDs in it.
Yeah, campaign stuff.
You're getting rid of these? Yeah.
These are great CDs.
Can I have them? Okay.
Great.
Thanks, man.
Again, really sorry about everything.
You really are a good guy.
You know, if that's too heavy-- Thanks, buddy.
Hey, we're kind of doing a blitz.
Can you give these out to customers? Sure, put them over by the Wheel-o stuff.
Why'd you take Wheel-o stuff? He can drink a pint and juggle French fries.
It's an impressive campaign.
Please? Okay, but I need you to cover my shift's the weekend after next.
Oh, actually, I can't, but I have a really good reason why.
Hey, Charlie, what's with these square napkins? You know I don't like the square ones.
Dan, tell her.
Actually, I was just telling her something else.
Fine, I'll tell her.
A couple years ago, I order Al these square napkins, thinking they were fancy-- I'm moving to Vancouver.
You interrupted my napkin story for that? Vancouver? When you going? After the election.
I'm moving there with Claire.
Does Claire know? Yeah.
Wow, Dan-o, this is big news.
Congrats.
So anyway, I order all these square napkins, and what happens? First of all-- Okay, let's keep it moving.
I keep spare rectangular napkins in the back room.
So, can you give this stuff out? Yeah.
And listen, good luck in Vancouver.
Look, in the spirit of actually trying to beat Wheel-o, maybe you shouldn't tell anyone else you're moving until after the election.
Oh, good point.
Charlie, Fern, I didn't tell you.
Tell me what? That I'm going to Vancouver.
No, no, I got it.
I was just playing along.
Oh, good.
So, when did he tell us he was moving to Vancouver? Vote for Dan.
Oh.
What kind of candy do you guys have? Oh, we don't have any candy.
We'll take one of those funny drawings you do then.
He doesn't do funny drawings.
Well, not on purpose.
I don't think it's him.
Are you that Wheel-o guy? No.
He's Dan, Dan for Mayor.
Oh, yeah, cool.
Do you guys know where that Wheel-o guy is? No.
'Cause apparently he's giving out candy.
And doing funny drawings for people? Yeah.
Jerks.
Hey, check these out.
What are they? CDs.
Oh yeah.
My parents have those.
Well, Dan was going to get rid of them, so I just thought Yeah, racquetball, some yearbooks in here, sweater.
What? This is Claire's sweater.
I bought this sweater for Claire.
I'm going to go get some rectangular napkins.
Dan wasn't getting rid of this.
He's moving in with Claire, isn't he? I really can't comment.
I don't get it.
What does Dan have that I don't have? I wouldn't beat yourself up.
You're richer than he is, taller than he is, more moustached than he is.
Right.
All he has is this lame serving job at this pathetic bar.
Nice.
Thanks, Charlie.
Listen, I know there's a bit of an age difference, but I was thinking maybe after the dust settles we could go out some time.
Don't be disgusting.
Wheel-o's unleashed a powerful campaign of juggling and noise-making.
We need to find his weakness.
What, like, set him up with a hot girl on stilts and take some pictures? I was thinking sexy fire eater, but you're on the right track.
Hey, guys, good news.
You own a pair of stilts? I called in some favours at City Hall and arranged a big Dan rally, even got some press coverage.
That's awesome.
This is going to be great.
It's not much, but it'll help.
And even if it doesn't, you'll always be number two to us.
Hey, Fern, I have a proposition for you.
How many kilos you need? What? Forget it.
What's your proposition? CROWD: Dan! Dan! Dan! Thank you for coming and supporting the bartender who listens, Dan Phillips.
(Cheering) Dan's running a little late, but he'll be here soon.
And when he comes, I want everyone to give him a big-- (Horn honking) Wheel-o's crashing our rally? Hey, it's Dan, crazy Dan.
Vote for me because I'm crazy.
What are you doing? This whole campaign, you've been saying you're not a joke candidate.
Yeah, and look where it's got me.
If I'm going to beat Wheel-o, I'm going to show him I'm a better joke candidate than he'll ever be.
Huh? Vote crazy Dan! (Blowing slide whistle) Vote Dan! (Cheering) Good turnout, huh? Yeah, this is the kind of party where some of my stuff could go missing.
Like that shirt.
It's festive.
Hey, sorry my wife couldn't make it.
That's okay.
We see her all the time.
To the campaign being over.
To it being over.
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
Hey, there's Dan.
Turn it up.
With Anita Vargas so far ahead, the only question mark is second place.
Dan Phillips is now 80 votes ahead of Wheel-o.
We'll keep you posted on which joke candidate triumphs in the basement.
Man, that's awesome.
It feels good setting a goal and achieving it.
Hey.
Oh, you made it.
Oh, is this a costume party? No.
I'm going to go change.
Good, 'cause my aunt wants you to come to Fern's now.
Please, everybody, please, if I could have your attention please.
I know this is a very exciting night, but I'd just like to say a few words before I introduce Anita.
There's a red Honda Civic in the parking lot with your lights on.
Excellent choice of car, by the way.
I have one myself.
Excuse me.
Dan-o, listen, I feel bad about the whole party thing.
At least let me get you a beer.
Oh, thanks.
That'll be 5.
50.
But I work here.
Yeah, about that Hello, Dan.
You're work at Fern's now? I won Fern's now.
Well, the bank owns Fern's, but in 25 years, I'll own Fern's.
Sorry, Dan-o, napkins don't pay for themselves.
I understand.
And like I say, that'll be 5.
50 for the beer.
Hi, me again, exciting night.
Does anyone have any jumper cables? Anyone? Why'd you buy the bar? It was actually something Charlie said.
Was it "Don't be disgusting"? No, it was that thing about how all Dan really has is this pathetic job at the bar.
Actually, you said that.
Anyway, my first job as new owner is to fire you.
What? Yeah, Gonzo.
You can come by tomorrow, pick up your severance.
That's terrible.
You're not firing me, are you? No.
Terrible.
Actually, that's awesome.
No, Dan, it's actually the opposite of awesome.
No, see, I was going to quit anyway so I wouldn't have got the severance.
But now with you firing me, I get the package.
That's awesome.
Hey, Dan-o, how come you're quitting? Good cover.
No, I'm serious.
Because I'm moving to Vancouver with Claire.
I got to talk to you about the bar.
Hey.
You didn't tell Mike about us moving to Vancouver? I was going to.
We were engaged for a long time.
I thought he'd be crushed.
Okay, and now, the moment you've all been waiting for, it's time to introduce the lady of the night, and I don't mean she's a prostitute.
Anita Vargas! (Clapping) Thank you, thank you.
Tonight is a night for celebration.
We worked hard and ran a great campaign, a winning campaign.
(Clapping) Unfortunately, my friends, this is not a victory speech.
Yes, I want to serve Wessex, not as mayor, but as its Member of Parliament.
I've been asked to represent Wessex at the federal level.
This is John Wilson, from the Prime Minister's office.
I think that Anita Vargas is going to make a great addition to the government, and might even get a seat at the cabinet table.
(Clapping) Did you know about this? Nope.
Does this mean you're mayor somehow? I wish.
Unfortunately, the job now goes to the person in second place.
ANITA: And now I would like to announce the new mayor of Wessex, Mr.
Dan Phillips.
I don't want to be mayor.
I'm not a serious candidate.
If not you, next in line is Wheel-o.
Is he here? Dan! I know, but I'm moving to Vancouver with Claire.
You have to do this.
You have to stay and be mayor.
ANITA: Dan, are you there, Dan? Don't worry.
Go.
We'll figure something out.
Thanks.
Thank you.
This is weird.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
You're taking this well.
I'm impressed.
I can't stay for this.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I should have turned and looked at you before I said that.
DAN: I guess I'd like to start by thanking all my volunteers, Jeff.
Also, a special thanks to my girlfriend, Claire, who's here tonight.
In fact, it's kind of because of her that I did this.
Claire, where are you? Claire? Oh, okay.
I guess she Anyway, I know this isn't how anyone thought this would turn out, especially me, but I promise to do my best, and not just for those that voted for me, but for the people of Wessex too.
Thank you.
Enjoy the party, Anita's party.
Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan Thanks.
Thank you.
Yeah, you can put Wessex a long way behind you.
Yeah.
So, I was wondering if I could come to Vancouver with you.
We could start up again.
I've matured a lot and I think we could really make this work.
Why would you want to do that? No offence, but I don't want to go all the way to Vancouver just to get stuck in the same dead-end relationships I have here.
Right.
Dan? Huh? Oh, sorry, the job in Vancouver, that's great for you, really great, Claire.
You know, I was thinking, would you ever consider coming out to Vancouver with me? I think we have something together and even though it took a lot of things to realize that, I really want you to come.
Wow, to Vancouver? Are you serious? Everything I know is here.
What would I do there? I'd have nothing.
No, I just thought-- Pretty self-centred, Claire, even for you.
Claire? Sorry, what? Did you say something? No.
Did you? No.
Don't worry about the poll.
5% is still okay.
And the margin of error is 7%, so you could be at 12%.
I didn't know there was a poll.
Then don't worry about what I just said.
I'm at 5%? But you're in second place, ahead of Wheel-O.
By a lot? Yeah, he's at 4 and a half percent.
Hey, there's only one poll that matters and that's the one on election day.
Yeah, you're right.
We committed.
Let's go get some votes.
That's the spirit.
And then, after it's over, we'll have a big party.
It's going to be awesome.
I like it.
Where are we doing that, anyway? Uhh, here, obviously.
Is there any place other than Fern's? You haven't booked it? No, but I will.
You get out there.
We've got an election to win.
Yeah! Yeah! And just in case, maybe work on a concession speech.
Yeah, just in case.
Yeah! And here's where you'll be.
Thanks again for volunteering.
Well, I want to help you win.
More importantly, I want to help Dan lose.
Well, Dan should be able to handle that himself.
So, what do I do? Pass out pamphlets? Put up signs? Egg Dan's house? Hey, Fern, forgot to book Dan's election party so I just want to do it now.
No problemo.
Does it have to be election night? That's kind of the traditional time.
No can do, already booked.
What? Anita's having her victory party here.
Anita? Times are tight and she booked a long time ago.
Plus, I'm dating her.
What? Why would you-- You heard me, she booked a long time ago.
Okay, well, thank you for your support, and vote Vargas.
Okay, bye.
You're upbeat.
Oh, a friend of mine just died.
Oh.
Well, not a friend, really, an acquaintance.
She was our MP.
I heard about that.
Yeah, great woman.
But now she's dead and they're going to need a new MP, someone who knows Wessex, someone like me.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, going to the funeral later.
I can hardly wait.
How are you doing? I was a little down, but I decided to channel my energy into something constructive: destroying Dan.
Good for you.
Well, it's no funeral, but you got to stay positive.
Yeah.
What? Fern's is booked? I'm sorry.
I forgot.
Ah, this whole campaign has been an exercise in futility.
I wouldn't call it an exercise.
Claire's moving to Vancouver.
She got a great job there, thanks to you.
What? I thought she was going to work in Toronto.
No, she's moving to Vancouver.
Haven't you seen me moping around? I thought you were down about the campaign.
I couldn't care less about the campaign.
You did a great job though, and remember, the only poll that counts is the one on election day.
I was only saying that to cheer you up.
You're going to get crushed.
I know.
But hey, that's okay.
That means you can go to Vancouver.
I didn't offer.
She didn't ask.
Oh, then you're right, this was an exercise in futility.
John? Uhh, yes.
Alan Duffy, Deputy Mayor of Wessex.
We met at the event, you know, a few years back in the location.
Oh, of course, Allan.
It's nice to see you.
Yeah.
So sad, isn't it? Yeah, great woman, irreplaceable.
Still, at some point, you got to think about replacing her.
Not today.
No, but soon.
I'm a team player.
I know Wessex.
Allan, umm, I really don't think this is the time.
Totally agree.
I do what I'm told.
No independent thinking here.
I mean, I would represent the people of Wessex, but I wouldn't pay any attention to them.
Maybe we could talk about this over coffee some time.
Yes, thank you.
Go, Allan! Yes, I'm calling from the Crush Dan Campaign and I was hoping we could count on your support to crush Dan on election day.
Okay, I'll put you down as a maybe.
Okay, well, have a great day.
Crush Dan.
It's really hard to get people to commit.
Maybe you would be better off stuffing envelopes.
No, I kind of like phoning people, you know, help Anita really get the "crush Dan" message out there.
Mike, you're a good guy.
You're just in a bad place right now, but you can change that.
You think? Definitely.
You just need to go, talk to Dan and get out of this place that you're in.
If you go, talk to Dan, then you'll be in another place, a better place, away from this place.
I get it.
You want me out of here.
Yeah.
You're scaring the others.
How's the last-minute campaigning? I haven't really been campaigning.
Yeah, I guess you can't win.
It's not that, though I can't.
It's just, you know, once it's over, you'll leave.
It's only Vancouver.
It's like a five-hour flight.
Or a four-day car trip, a week-long bus ride.
It's only three time zones.
Jump in here any time.
Okay, I got to tell you something and it might come as a bit of a shock.
I ran for mayor because of you.
Oh, okay.
And the shock part? Well, as dumb as it sounds, I wanted to impress you.
As dumb as it sounds, it worked.
I want to go to Vancouver with you.
I want you to come with me.
Just to be clear, we're talking about living together, right? Yes.
Great, 'cause rents out there are crazy.
My CDs, obviously.
Sure.
And I'm guessing you don't have a novelty "pencil in the eye socket" pencil sharpener.
Nope, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Hey, there's a new poll, and you're up.
Really? 6%.
That's impossible.
Give yourself more credit.
No, Wheel-O, it says he's got 10%.
Must be a misprint.
I'm four points behind a guy in a rainbow wig.
And a unicycle.
Don't joke.
I can't come in third.
I got to call Jeff.
We got to get on this.
What difference does it make? We're going to Vancouver.
I know, but my goal in this has always been to place second.
When this is over, I need to know I did everything possible to be the second best I can be.
Well, I'm not going to stand in the way of you reaching below your full potential.
Well, I don't want to be pushy but I think I'm your man, a voice for Wessex in Ottawa.
Oh, Allan.
I got posters.
We could really use help putting them up.
Just in a meeting.
Sorry.
I'm lending my weight to the Vargas campaign.
Excellent.
Actually, it was when I joined Anita's campaign that she really took off.
Impressive.
Well, in fairness, it's because you dropped out of the race.
You were running for mayor? Yes, front-runner, actually.
But I decided to focus on bigger issues than just the city.
And he was embroiled in a financial scandal.
Don't you have posters to put up? No, but you do.
Hello, Dan.
Oh, hey.
Can I come in? I was just on my way-- Great.
Listen, Dan, you probably haven't even noticed, but I've been a little off my game lately, and frankly, I thought you were the cause.
But I had a hand in it too and I just want to say that I'm sorry for blaming you for everything, when really, I should have just blamed you for a lot of the things.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks, I guess.
You moving? Oh, uhh, no, just packing up campaign stuff I don't need now that the election's almost over.
This one has CDs in it.
Yeah, campaign stuff.
You're getting rid of these? Yeah.
These are great CDs.
Can I have them? Okay.
Great.
Thanks, man.
Again, really sorry about everything.
You really are a good guy.
You know, if that's too heavy-- Thanks, buddy.
Hey, we're kind of doing a blitz.
Can you give these out to customers? Sure, put them over by the Wheel-o stuff.
Why'd you take Wheel-o stuff? He can drink a pint and juggle French fries.
It's an impressive campaign.
Please? Okay, but I need you to cover my shift's the weekend after next.
Oh, actually, I can't, but I have a really good reason why.
Hey, Charlie, what's with these square napkins? You know I don't like the square ones.
Dan, tell her.
Actually, I was just telling her something else.
Fine, I'll tell her.
A couple years ago, I order Al these square napkins, thinking they were fancy-- I'm moving to Vancouver.
You interrupted my napkin story for that? Vancouver? When you going? After the election.
I'm moving there with Claire.
Does Claire know? Yeah.
Wow, Dan-o, this is big news.
Congrats.
So anyway, I order all these square napkins, and what happens? First of all-- Okay, let's keep it moving.
I keep spare rectangular napkins in the back room.
So, can you give this stuff out? Yeah.
And listen, good luck in Vancouver.
Look, in the spirit of actually trying to beat Wheel-o, maybe you shouldn't tell anyone else you're moving until after the election.
Oh, good point.
Charlie, Fern, I didn't tell you.
Tell me what? That I'm going to Vancouver.
No, no, I got it.
I was just playing along.
Oh, good.
So, when did he tell us he was moving to Vancouver? Vote for Dan.
Oh.
What kind of candy do you guys have? Oh, we don't have any candy.
We'll take one of those funny drawings you do then.
He doesn't do funny drawings.
Well, not on purpose.
I don't think it's him.
Are you that Wheel-o guy? No.
He's Dan, Dan for Mayor.
Oh, yeah, cool.
Do you guys know where that Wheel-o guy is? No.
'Cause apparently he's giving out candy.
And doing funny drawings for people? Yeah.
Jerks.
Hey, check these out.
What are they? CDs.
Oh yeah.
My parents have those.
Well, Dan was going to get rid of them, so I just thought Yeah, racquetball, some yearbooks in here, sweater.
What? This is Claire's sweater.
I bought this sweater for Claire.
I'm going to go get some rectangular napkins.
Dan wasn't getting rid of this.
He's moving in with Claire, isn't he? I really can't comment.
I don't get it.
What does Dan have that I don't have? I wouldn't beat yourself up.
You're richer than he is, taller than he is, more moustached than he is.
Right.
All he has is this lame serving job at this pathetic bar.
Nice.
Thanks, Charlie.
Listen, I know there's a bit of an age difference, but I was thinking maybe after the dust settles we could go out some time.
Don't be disgusting.
Wheel-o's unleashed a powerful campaign of juggling and noise-making.
We need to find his weakness.
What, like, set him up with a hot girl on stilts and take some pictures? I was thinking sexy fire eater, but you're on the right track.
Hey, guys, good news.
You own a pair of stilts? I called in some favours at City Hall and arranged a big Dan rally, even got some press coverage.
That's awesome.
This is going to be great.
It's not much, but it'll help.
And even if it doesn't, you'll always be number two to us.
Hey, Fern, I have a proposition for you.
How many kilos you need? What? Forget it.
What's your proposition? CROWD: Dan! Dan! Dan! Thank you for coming and supporting the bartender who listens, Dan Phillips.
(Cheering) Dan's running a little late, but he'll be here soon.
And when he comes, I want everyone to give him a big-- (Horn honking) Wheel-o's crashing our rally? Hey, it's Dan, crazy Dan.
Vote for me because I'm crazy.
What are you doing? This whole campaign, you've been saying you're not a joke candidate.
Yeah, and look where it's got me.
If I'm going to beat Wheel-o, I'm going to show him I'm a better joke candidate than he'll ever be.
Huh? Vote crazy Dan! (Blowing slide whistle) Vote Dan! (Cheering) Good turnout, huh? Yeah, this is the kind of party where some of my stuff could go missing.
Like that shirt.
It's festive.
Hey, sorry my wife couldn't make it.
That's okay.
We see her all the time.
To the campaign being over.
To it being over.
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
Hey, there's Dan.
Turn it up.
With Anita Vargas so far ahead, the only question mark is second place.
Dan Phillips is now 80 votes ahead of Wheel-o.
We'll keep you posted on which joke candidate triumphs in the basement.
Man, that's awesome.
It feels good setting a goal and achieving it.
Hey.
Oh, you made it.
Oh, is this a costume party? No.
I'm going to go change.
Good, 'cause my aunt wants you to come to Fern's now.
Please, everybody, please, if I could have your attention please.
I know this is a very exciting night, but I'd just like to say a few words before I introduce Anita.
There's a red Honda Civic in the parking lot with your lights on.
Excellent choice of car, by the way.
I have one myself.
Excuse me.
Dan-o, listen, I feel bad about the whole party thing.
At least let me get you a beer.
Oh, thanks.
That'll be 5.
50.
But I work here.
Yeah, about that Hello, Dan.
You're work at Fern's now? I won Fern's now.
Well, the bank owns Fern's, but in 25 years, I'll own Fern's.
Sorry, Dan-o, napkins don't pay for themselves.
I understand.
And like I say, that'll be 5.
50 for the beer.
Hi, me again, exciting night.
Does anyone have any jumper cables? Anyone? Why'd you buy the bar? It was actually something Charlie said.
Was it "Don't be disgusting"? No, it was that thing about how all Dan really has is this pathetic job at the bar.
Actually, you said that.
Anyway, my first job as new owner is to fire you.
What? Yeah, Gonzo.
You can come by tomorrow, pick up your severance.
That's terrible.
You're not firing me, are you? No.
Terrible.
Actually, that's awesome.
No, Dan, it's actually the opposite of awesome.
No, see, I was going to quit anyway so I wouldn't have got the severance.
But now with you firing me, I get the package.
That's awesome.
Hey, Dan-o, how come you're quitting? Good cover.
No, I'm serious.
Because I'm moving to Vancouver with Claire.
I got to talk to you about the bar.
Hey.
You didn't tell Mike about us moving to Vancouver? I was going to.
We were engaged for a long time.
I thought he'd be crushed.
Okay, and now, the moment you've all been waiting for, it's time to introduce the lady of the night, and I don't mean she's a prostitute.
Anita Vargas! (Clapping) Thank you, thank you.
Tonight is a night for celebration.
We worked hard and ran a great campaign, a winning campaign.
(Clapping) Unfortunately, my friends, this is not a victory speech.
Yes, I want to serve Wessex, not as mayor, but as its Member of Parliament.
I've been asked to represent Wessex at the federal level.
This is John Wilson, from the Prime Minister's office.
I think that Anita Vargas is going to make a great addition to the government, and might even get a seat at the cabinet table.
(Clapping) Did you know about this? Nope.
Does this mean you're mayor somehow? I wish.
Unfortunately, the job now goes to the person in second place.
ANITA: And now I would like to announce the new mayor of Wessex, Mr.
Dan Phillips.
I don't want to be mayor.
I'm not a serious candidate.
If not you, next in line is Wheel-o.
Is he here? Dan! I know, but I'm moving to Vancouver with Claire.
You have to do this.
You have to stay and be mayor.
ANITA: Dan, are you there, Dan? Don't worry.
Go.
We'll figure something out.
Thanks.
Thank you.
This is weird.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
You're taking this well.
I'm impressed.
I can't stay for this.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I should have turned and looked at you before I said that.
DAN: I guess I'd like to start by thanking all my volunteers, Jeff.
Also, a special thanks to my girlfriend, Claire, who's here tonight.
In fact, it's kind of because of her that I did this.
Claire, where are you? Claire? Oh, okay.
I guess she Anyway, I know this isn't how anyone thought this would turn out, especially me, but I promise to do my best, and not just for those that voted for me, but for the people of Wessex too.
Thank you.
Enjoy the party, Anita's party.
Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan Thanks.
Thank you.