Dan Vs. (2010) s01e06 Episode Script
Canada
Grab bags, what a scam.
They lure you in with something you like.
Hmm.
Something with an uplifting message.
What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt.
Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever.
No dark side, no inner rage.
He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower.
So many maple leaves.
Can I talk to you for a minute, sir? It's "may l," and no.
We need your help to save the Canadian geese.
I don't even like American geese.
One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.
I'm sure that's not true.
Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher.
I say it bit me, like this.
- Ohh! Ooh! - And this.
( grunts ) Ugh.
Sticky.
Maple syrup? Who's responsible for this? Canada! ( goose honks ) ( tires squeal ) ( wind blows ) ( bird chirps ) Hey, give us the ball back.
- Ohh! Give me back my son.
- ( barks ) ( objects rattling ) - ( dog panting ) - ( Dan grunts ) ( dog whimpers ) Perfect.
( finger squelches ) ( sighs ) We don't come to the park enough.
This is so peaceful.
- ( cell phone rings ) - Hello.
I'm covered in syrup! Who is this? Get over here right now.
We're going to war with Canada.
- ( snaps ) - Ohh! What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup? Yes.
He's covered in it.
Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Oh, that Dan.
Always covered in something.
- ( knock on door ) - Chris: Dan.
Wait.
Don't open the-- - ( muttering ) - Whoops.
( snaps ) Ow.
Let's go.
You're driving.
You're not getting in my car all sticky like that.
Pocket shower.
Ahh, so clean you could eat off me.
- I'm not going to do that.
- I'm just saying you could.
- Well, I'm not going to.
- Fine! Ohh! - ( crashes ) - ( cat screeches ) - ( people screaming ) - ( crashing ) So do we have a plan? Of course.
We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Fine.
You want a plan? Here you go.
Step one, we go to Canada.
Step two, we make them pay for what they did to me.
- Now it's a checklist.
- Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada.
England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada.
Now, as for Canadians first, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle.
Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
- ( bottle shatters ) - ( roars ) I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
( scoffs ) What do you know about it? Alittle bit, actually.
.
Okay, Prime Minister.
You tell me.
Chris: Canadians thrive in cold climates.
They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Good.
That's good.
Maybe we can use that.
What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell.
You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or-- this is a good one.
They say, "Sory.
" You're right.
Normal people never apologize.
No, it's not that.
They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story.
" We say, "Sorry.
" What does that rhyme with? Mata Hari? Wait.
How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway? Nothing.
I just, you know-- no reason.
What are you hiding from me? I'm 1/16 Canadian.
And you never told me? It's not my fault.
My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Are you trying to sabotage my mission? No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
- Prove it.
- I can't prove it.
You're going to have to trust me.
And ifl don't? Then you can get to Canada on your own.
Then you can get to Canada on your own.
I don't even know where Canada is.
It's north.
You can't miss it.
Figures you'd know that.
I suppose if you're you're still You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up.
I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are? Dan: Goo.
( Mountie straining ) Oh.
Well, good evening, eh? Puck-slapping maple-sucker.
Be quiet.
These guys are tough.
Because they're half bear.
So now, what's the purpose of your visit here to Canada? I wish to exact my vengeance upon this blight of a nation.
Oh.
( laughs ) Not today.
Sory.
Unguarded border, my foot.
This fence looks electrified.
It can't be.
Canadians don't have the technology yet.
I can't-- ohh-- believe he just-- yaah-- picked up my car with his-- aah-- - bare hands.
- Just hurry.
Hey, can I use the rubber gloves? I'm getting shocked here.
No.
My hands are cold.
Ow! Dan: Canada sucks.
What kind of a country is this? They still have all their trees.
They're like baby teeth.
The landscape hasn't changed since the days of my great-great-grandfather.
Hey, did I ever tell you about him? No one wants to hear your boring story.
It was 100 years ago.
So when I say, "No one wants to hear your boring story," what do you hear? It was 100 years ago.
( whistling ) Chris: My great-great-grandfather was a woodsman with a wife and young son.
One day, he wandered into the forest - ( chirping ) - * O Canada, O Canada * La la la la la, Canada.
Chris: never to be seen again.
Wow.
Great story.
It's not done.
He comes back.
You just said, "never to be seen again.
" Except when he came back.
You are the worst storyteller in the world.
Anyway it was some time later.
His wife had him declared dead, and she remarried.
But then he comes walking out of the woods again.
I'm home, eh.
( gasps ) Where have you been, eh? I was hiking through the mountain and fell down a hole.
Found a weak spot in the glacier, could cause an avalanche and kill us all.
Dan: Avalanche? Chris: Don't get your hopes up.
He was crazy.
I was trapped there for years.
I had to do unspeakable things to keep warm.
- What kind of thi-- - I just said, "unspeakable.
" I'll tell you later when we're snuggling.
Well, this is a little awkward.
I had you declared dead.
- I'm remarried now, to Skip.
- Hey.
You couldn't wait for me? It's been six years.
I had to remarry after three.
It's the law, eh.
Canadian law.
Stay out of this, Skip.
Chris: They decided that he could sleep in the barn until he figured out where he was going to go, but that night ( muttering ) What kind of name is Skip? Aah.
( pounding ) ( thunder crashes ) - ( screams ) - Oh, no, eh! So you're descended from a Canadian ax murderer? Attempted ax murderer.
He didn't manage to kill anyone.
The family escaped and moved to the U.
S.
And what happened to your great-great-grandfather? He ran back into the woods, heading towards the glacier.
I hate Skip.
I hate Canada.
I'll make you all sory.
You'll see, eh.
- Eh?! - ( thunder crashes ) Never to be seen again.
Except when he came back.
No, this time, he stayed missing.
Some say he's still out there to this day.
- So he'd be, like, 130.
- About that.
So he's probably not still out there.
Probably not.
Probably eaten by a yeti.
He wasn't eaten by a yeti, Dan.
How do you know? This country is lousy with yetis.
Maybe he ran across one.
Maybe they became friends.
Maybe he married one.
My great-great-grandfather was not a yeti lover.
Whoa.
Whoa, is that even a thing? I thought I was just messing with you.
It is a thing a bad, shameful thing.
( chuckles ) Yeti lover.
- ( rock crumbles ) - Hey! - ( rock crumbles ) - Hey! Great.
Now I've got snow in my pockets.
Dan: We've got to get to that glacier.
Chris: Were you listening to my story? My great-great-grandfather was off his rocker.
It's like they say, insanity breeds truth.
- They don't say that.
- Sure, they do.
I want to go home.
Canada makes me feel ursine.
Can I have a bite of that sandwich? Get your own food.
( geese honking ) ( yells ) ( splashing ) ( growls ) Dan: We've been marching for days.
Canada's a big place, Dan.
In fact, it's the second-largest-- "Oh, Canada's a big place, Dan.
In fact, it's the second-largest country in land mass.
" Blah, blah, blah.
- "Wide variety of climates.
" - ( squeals ) What? Are we at the glacier? Even better! Ice rink! This isn't the plan! ( fanfare ) Triple Axel! Nailed it.
Okay, you've had your fun.
Now let's go.
Not yet.
I want to work on my Salchow.
Unbelievable! Whaah! I'm getting frostbite.
That's what you get for derailing the plan.
You sure this is the most effective mode of transportation? Of course.
These things can run for hours.
( engine sputtering ) ( engine bangs ) Drat.
Wait a minute.
Look.
They spelled stop wrong.
( chuckles ) Canadians.
It's French.
I think we're in Quebec.
What? I hate Quebec.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
- ( metal clangs ) - I hate it.
Whoa.
What's this? Hmm.
I'm beginning to like their style.
You are not allowed here.
Go away.
Ah.
Come in.
Come in.
( accordion music playing ) Come with me, please.
Oh.
Hockey.
Hockey? You're becoming more Canadian by the second.
( men grumble ) And now please welcome your Toronto Ontarians! Hey, I'm drowning, eh.
( men laugh ) For years, we have looked for the weak spot in the glacier.
So the weak spot exists.
Your ancestor wasn't crazy after all.
Except for the, you know ( growls ) ( kisses ) ( growls ) Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! I'd really like you to stop doing that.
We need a more specific map of the glacier to find the ice cave.
If we get your map, you'll hurt Canada? Yes, it's true.
Once we tunnel through the weak spot, the glacier will collapse, causing a-- how you say-- avalanche? - Snow tsunami? - Oui.
This will ruin springtime for the whole of Canada.
( laughing ) Say goodbye to your holiday on Nova Scotia, Canadians.
- Wait.
Aren't you Canad-- - Dan, no.
What's this all about? The Quebecois think they're French.
Oh.
( laughs ) I see the problem here.
Okay, you guys are here, and all the way over here is France.
You're just confused geographically.
( screams ) - ( screams ) - ( grunts ) ( door slams ) Would you get up? We're on a mission.
You landed on my kidneys.
You, you, you.
What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused.
We need to find that map.
All right.
Where to now? The Geological Society of Canada.
- Where's that? - No idea.
Is there such a thing? No idea.
( typewriter clacking ) Dan: Okay.
Help me find a good map of the glacier, one with numbers on it and stuff.
Chris: How about this one? Dan: Perfect.
Commentator: Here we are in the third period.
It's a riveting game, with the score still tied at zero and both teams still drowning.
Now to cover our tracks.
- What are you doing? - Burning the place down.
- What are you doing? - Burning the place down.
( blows ) What is it with you and arson? Fire is the cleanser.
No, Dan, stop it.
( punches landing ) ( alarm blaring ) ( brooms sweeping ) Arethosecurling brooms? Yeah, from, like, 1980.
Ow! Ah! Ouch! - ( scraping ) - ( yelling ) Dan: Watch the hard bristles on my soft, supple skin.
( groans ) Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick? At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us.
Canadians are polite.
Violent, but polite.
We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.
They have socialized medicine up here, Dan.
They're not gonna charge us.
Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- Don't take their side.
- Sorry.
Did you just say, "Sory"? Huh? No.
No.
You're hearing things.
You did.
You said, "Sory.
" I did not.
I've had my doubts about you from the beginning.
You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou.
I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.
Hoser? I knew it.
You are half bear.
And I don't need you.
Get out.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good luck getting home.
- Good luck being stupid.
Well, good luck-- You're stupid.
P.
A.
: Dr.
Bender to the medical ward, please.
Dr.
Bender.
You're holding it upside down.
I know that.
Wait a minute.
What's this? I don't know.
I can't read maps.
- I've got it.
- What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.
I'm taking this stethoscope.
Chris: We've got a lot of ground to cover and not much time to do it.
Did you know a grizzly will outrun a horse over short distances? No, no.
Absolutely not.
( growling, laughing ) You can talk to bears? What did you say? Were you talking about me? ( chuckles ) It's a bear thing.
You wouldn't understand.
( clicks tongue ) Ho! - I'm bored.
- Bored? We're riding a grizzly bear up a cliff! Yeah, but we're missing so much good TV.
Dan: What's a "KM"? Kanadian miles? Chris: Basically.
Are we there yet? We're here! ( growls ) Is that Oh! A frozen mooseburger! Mmm.
Mmm.
And my great-great-grandfather's skeleton.
Mmm.
Weird.
Looks like he spent the last years of his life trying to chop through the weak spot in the glacier.
At least your family is good for something, helping me.
- That and ax murder.
- Attempted ax murder.
Then your family's only good for one thing.
( grunts ) Get to chopping.
That's it.
We've found it.
Wait.
I want to do it.
- ( rattles ) - ( groans ) ( yeti growls ) Don't you growl at me.
I didn't-- aah! ( roars ) Oh, come on.
- ( growling ) - Chris! Help me! ( yeti roars ) Hold-- ( groaning ) ( Chris roars ) Wow! You are half bear! ( roars ) I didn't want to do this.
Bad yeti.
You're a bad yeti.
Now apologize to your Uncle Chris.
I am not related to a ye-- ( wind blows ) I knew this was good for something.
Did you see the ring on that yeti's finger? ( muttering ) Yeah, it was family crest.
What was that? I said it had my family crest on it, okay? I said it had my family crest on it, okay? That's why my family left Canada.
I thought it was because of the ax murder thing.
Please.
Ax murderers are a dime a dozen up here.
Every family has at least one.
No, it was the shame of being related to a-- well, to a yeti lover.
Oh, buddy.
Just don't.
Come on, Chris.
- ( Chris gasps ) - Time to go.
( bear bellows ) Ah, eh,thefirstbud ofspring.
Oh, no, eh.
Sacre bleu.
Be careful what you wish for.
Thousands are still missing after the collapse of the glacier.
( sneezes ) - Oh, 102.
- ( phone rings ) Chris get over here.
Make me some soup.
( sniffles, groans ) Who's that? Telemarketer.
I'm going to get you some more tea.
- ( dial tone ) - Chicken noodle.
Maybe some beef broth.
Hello? ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.
They lure you in with something you like.
Hmm.
Something with an uplifting message.
What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt.
Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever.
No dark side, no inner rage.
He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower.
So many maple leaves.
Can I talk to you for a minute, sir? It's "may l," and no.
We need your help to save the Canadian geese.
I don't even like American geese.
One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.
I'm sure that's not true.
Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher.
I say it bit me, like this.
- Ohh! Ooh! - And this.
( grunts ) Ugh.
Sticky.
Maple syrup? Who's responsible for this? Canada! ( goose honks ) ( tires squeal ) ( wind blows ) ( bird chirps ) Hey, give us the ball back.
- Ohh! Give me back my son.
- ( barks ) ( objects rattling ) - ( dog panting ) - ( Dan grunts ) ( dog whimpers ) Perfect.
( finger squelches ) ( sighs ) We don't come to the park enough.
This is so peaceful.
- ( cell phone rings ) - Hello.
I'm covered in syrup! Who is this? Get over here right now.
We're going to war with Canada.
- ( snaps ) - Ohh! What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup? Yes.
He's covered in it.
Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Oh, that Dan.
Always covered in something.
- ( knock on door ) - Chris: Dan.
Wait.
Don't open the-- - ( muttering ) - Whoops.
( snaps ) Ow.
Let's go.
You're driving.
You're not getting in my car all sticky like that.
Pocket shower.
Ahh, so clean you could eat off me.
- I'm not going to do that.
- I'm just saying you could.
- Well, I'm not going to.
- Fine! Ohh! - ( crashes ) - ( cat screeches ) - ( people screaming ) - ( crashing ) So do we have a plan? Of course.
We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Fine.
You want a plan? Here you go.
Step one, we go to Canada.
Step two, we make them pay for what they did to me.
- Now it's a checklist.
- Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada.
England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada.
Now, as for Canadians first, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle.
Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
- ( bottle shatters ) - ( roars ) I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
( scoffs ) What do you know about it? Alittle bit, actually.
.
Okay, Prime Minister.
You tell me.
Chris: Canadians thrive in cold climates.
They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Good.
That's good.
Maybe we can use that.
What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell.
You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or-- this is a good one.
They say, "Sory.
" You're right.
Normal people never apologize.
No, it's not that.
They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story.
" We say, "Sorry.
" What does that rhyme with? Mata Hari? Wait.
How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway? Nothing.
I just, you know-- no reason.
What are you hiding from me? I'm 1/16 Canadian.
And you never told me? It's not my fault.
My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Are you trying to sabotage my mission? No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
- Prove it.
- I can't prove it.
You're going to have to trust me.
And ifl don't? Then you can get to Canada on your own.
Then you can get to Canada on your own.
I don't even know where Canada is.
It's north.
You can't miss it.
Figures you'd know that.
I suppose if you're you're still You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up.
I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are? Dan: Goo.
( Mountie straining ) Oh.
Well, good evening, eh? Puck-slapping maple-sucker.
Be quiet.
These guys are tough.
Because they're half bear.
So now, what's the purpose of your visit here to Canada? I wish to exact my vengeance upon this blight of a nation.
Oh.
( laughs ) Not today.
Sory.
Unguarded border, my foot.
This fence looks electrified.
It can't be.
Canadians don't have the technology yet.
I can't-- ohh-- believe he just-- yaah-- picked up my car with his-- aah-- - bare hands.
- Just hurry.
Hey, can I use the rubber gloves? I'm getting shocked here.
No.
My hands are cold.
Ow! Dan: Canada sucks.
What kind of a country is this? They still have all their trees.
They're like baby teeth.
The landscape hasn't changed since the days of my great-great-grandfather.
Hey, did I ever tell you about him? No one wants to hear your boring story.
It was 100 years ago.
So when I say, "No one wants to hear your boring story," what do you hear? It was 100 years ago.
( whistling ) Chris: My great-great-grandfather was a woodsman with a wife and young son.
One day, he wandered into the forest - ( chirping ) - * O Canada, O Canada * La la la la la, Canada.
Chris: never to be seen again.
Wow.
Great story.
It's not done.
He comes back.
You just said, "never to be seen again.
" Except when he came back.
You are the worst storyteller in the world.
Anyway it was some time later.
His wife had him declared dead, and she remarried.
But then he comes walking out of the woods again.
I'm home, eh.
( gasps ) Where have you been, eh? I was hiking through the mountain and fell down a hole.
Found a weak spot in the glacier, could cause an avalanche and kill us all.
Dan: Avalanche? Chris: Don't get your hopes up.
He was crazy.
I was trapped there for years.
I had to do unspeakable things to keep warm.
- What kind of thi-- - I just said, "unspeakable.
" I'll tell you later when we're snuggling.
Well, this is a little awkward.
I had you declared dead.
- I'm remarried now, to Skip.
- Hey.
You couldn't wait for me? It's been six years.
I had to remarry after three.
It's the law, eh.
Canadian law.
Stay out of this, Skip.
Chris: They decided that he could sleep in the barn until he figured out where he was going to go, but that night ( muttering ) What kind of name is Skip? Aah.
( pounding ) ( thunder crashes ) - ( screams ) - Oh, no, eh! So you're descended from a Canadian ax murderer? Attempted ax murderer.
He didn't manage to kill anyone.
The family escaped and moved to the U.
S.
And what happened to your great-great-grandfather? He ran back into the woods, heading towards the glacier.
I hate Skip.
I hate Canada.
I'll make you all sory.
You'll see, eh.
- Eh?! - ( thunder crashes ) Never to be seen again.
Except when he came back.
No, this time, he stayed missing.
Some say he's still out there to this day.
- So he'd be, like, 130.
- About that.
So he's probably not still out there.
Probably not.
Probably eaten by a yeti.
He wasn't eaten by a yeti, Dan.
How do you know? This country is lousy with yetis.
Maybe he ran across one.
Maybe they became friends.
Maybe he married one.
My great-great-grandfather was not a yeti lover.
Whoa.
Whoa, is that even a thing? I thought I was just messing with you.
It is a thing a bad, shameful thing.
( chuckles ) Yeti lover.
- ( rock crumbles ) - Hey! - ( rock crumbles ) - Hey! Great.
Now I've got snow in my pockets.
Dan: We've got to get to that glacier.
Chris: Were you listening to my story? My great-great-grandfather was off his rocker.
It's like they say, insanity breeds truth.
- They don't say that.
- Sure, they do.
I want to go home.
Canada makes me feel ursine.
Can I have a bite of that sandwich? Get your own food.
( geese honking ) ( yells ) ( splashing ) ( growls ) Dan: We've been marching for days.
Canada's a big place, Dan.
In fact, it's the second-largest-- "Oh, Canada's a big place, Dan.
In fact, it's the second-largest country in land mass.
" Blah, blah, blah.
- "Wide variety of climates.
" - ( squeals ) What? Are we at the glacier? Even better! Ice rink! This isn't the plan! ( fanfare ) Triple Axel! Nailed it.
Okay, you've had your fun.
Now let's go.
Not yet.
I want to work on my Salchow.
Unbelievable! Whaah! I'm getting frostbite.
That's what you get for derailing the plan.
You sure this is the most effective mode of transportation? Of course.
These things can run for hours.
( engine sputtering ) ( engine bangs ) Drat.
Wait a minute.
Look.
They spelled stop wrong.
( chuckles ) Canadians.
It's French.
I think we're in Quebec.
What? I hate Quebec.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
- ( metal clangs ) - I hate it.
Whoa.
What's this? Hmm.
I'm beginning to like their style.
You are not allowed here.
Go away.
Ah.
Come in.
Come in.
( accordion music playing ) Come with me, please.
Oh.
Hockey.
Hockey? You're becoming more Canadian by the second.
( men grumble ) And now please welcome your Toronto Ontarians! Hey, I'm drowning, eh.
( men laugh ) For years, we have looked for the weak spot in the glacier.
So the weak spot exists.
Your ancestor wasn't crazy after all.
Except for the, you know ( growls ) ( kisses ) ( growls ) Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! I'd really like you to stop doing that.
We need a more specific map of the glacier to find the ice cave.
If we get your map, you'll hurt Canada? Yes, it's true.
Once we tunnel through the weak spot, the glacier will collapse, causing a-- how you say-- avalanche? - Snow tsunami? - Oui.
This will ruin springtime for the whole of Canada.
( laughing ) Say goodbye to your holiday on Nova Scotia, Canadians.
- Wait.
Aren't you Canad-- - Dan, no.
What's this all about? The Quebecois think they're French.
Oh.
( laughs ) I see the problem here.
Okay, you guys are here, and all the way over here is France.
You're just confused geographically.
( screams ) - ( screams ) - ( grunts ) ( door slams ) Would you get up? We're on a mission.
You landed on my kidneys.
You, you, you.
What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused.
We need to find that map.
All right.
Where to now? The Geological Society of Canada.
- Where's that? - No idea.
Is there such a thing? No idea.
( typewriter clacking ) Dan: Okay.
Help me find a good map of the glacier, one with numbers on it and stuff.
Chris: How about this one? Dan: Perfect.
Commentator: Here we are in the third period.
It's a riveting game, with the score still tied at zero and both teams still drowning.
Now to cover our tracks.
- What are you doing? - Burning the place down.
- What are you doing? - Burning the place down.
( blows ) What is it with you and arson? Fire is the cleanser.
No, Dan, stop it.
( punches landing ) ( alarm blaring ) ( brooms sweeping ) Arethosecurling brooms? Yeah, from, like, 1980.
Ow! Ah! Ouch! - ( scraping ) - ( yelling ) Dan: Watch the hard bristles on my soft, supple skin.
( groans ) Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick? At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us.
Canadians are polite.
Violent, but polite.
We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.
They have socialized medicine up here, Dan.
They're not gonna charge us.
Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- Don't take their side.
- Sorry.
Did you just say, "Sory"? Huh? No.
No.
You're hearing things.
You did.
You said, "Sory.
" I did not.
I've had my doubts about you from the beginning.
You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou.
I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.
Hoser? I knew it.
You are half bear.
And I don't need you.
Get out.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good luck getting home.
- Good luck being stupid.
Well, good luck-- You're stupid.
P.
A.
: Dr.
Bender to the medical ward, please.
Dr.
Bender.
You're holding it upside down.
I know that.
Wait a minute.
What's this? I don't know.
I can't read maps.
- I've got it.
- What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.
I'm taking this stethoscope.
Chris: We've got a lot of ground to cover and not much time to do it.
Did you know a grizzly will outrun a horse over short distances? No, no.
Absolutely not.
( growling, laughing ) You can talk to bears? What did you say? Were you talking about me? ( chuckles ) It's a bear thing.
You wouldn't understand.
( clicks tongue ) Ho! - I'm bored.
- Bored? We're riding a grizzly bear up a cliff! Yeah, but we're missing so much good TV.
Dan: What's a "KM"? Kanadian miles? Chris: Basically.
Are we there yet? We're here! ( growls ) Is that Oh! A frozen mooseburger! Mmm.
Mmm.
And my great-great-grandfather's skeleton.
Mmm.
Weird.
Looks like he spent the last years of his life trying to chop through the weak spot in the glacier.
At least your family is good for something, helping me.
- That and ax murder.
- Attempted ax murder.
Then your family's only good for one thing.
( grunts ) Get to chopping.
That's it.
We've found it.
Wait.
I want to do it.
- ( rattles ) - ( groans ) ( yeti growls ) Don't you growl at me.
I didn't-- aah! ( roars ) Oh, come on.
- ( growling ) - Chris! Help me! ( yeti roars ) Hold-- ( groaning ) ( Chris roars ) Wow! You are half bear! ( roars ) I didn't want to do this.
Bad yeti.
You're a bad yeti.
Now apologize to your Uncle Chris.
I am not related to a ye-- ( wind blows ) I knew this was good for something.
Did you see the ring on that yeti's finger? ( muttering ) Yeah, it was family crest.
What was that? I said it had my family crest on it, okay? I said it had my family crest on it, okay? That's why my family left Canada.
I thought it was because of the ax murder thing.
Please.
Ax murderers are a dime a dozen up here.
Every family has at least one.
No, it was the shame of being related to a-- well, to a yeti lover.
Oh, buddy.
Just don't.
Come on, Chris.
- ( Chris gasps ) - Time to go.
( bear bellows ) Ah, eh,thefirstbud ofspring.
Oh, no, eh.
Sacre bleu.
Be careful what you wish for.
Thousands are still missing after the collapse of the glacier.
( sneezes ) - Oh, 102.
- ( phone rings ) Chris get over here.
Make me some soup.
( sniffles, groans ) Who's that? Telemarketer.
I'm going to get you some more tea.
- ( dial tone ) - Chicken noodle.
Maybe some beef broth.
Hello? ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.