Dan Vs. (2010) s01e11 Episode Script

The Beach

The best things in life are free.
( giggles ) ( groans ) Aw, come on! What's in the box? What's in the box? Ow! ( groans ) Eye patch? This could come in handy.
- ( tires squealing ) - ( Dan gasps ) Hey, what gives? Gnarly spot, brah.
Thanks, brah.
Beach! Beach! Hey, the one upside to living on this awful street is that no one wants to park here.
Find somewhere else! Chillax, brah.
This was the closest spot to the beach we could find.
What? We must be 10 miles from the ocean.
- Beach! - Beach! ( laughing ) ( scrapes ) ( groaning ) Beach! - ( wave crashes ) - ( seabird calls ) So this is what the lowest common denominator looks like.
( bones pop ) Oh, yuck! ( kids laugh ) Who let these children off their leashes? Whaah! What kind of an idiot just lays down in a public place? - Chris? - Dan? Oh, no.
Someone stole your pants.
It's a swimsuit.
Elise bought it.
Well, I'm sure it looks better on her.
- Hi, Dan.
- Aah! She's here, too? I guess my invitation to this little get-together got lost in the mail.
I thought we both agreed that beach day was going to be a two-person activity.
Yet somehow we find myself here.
And why do we find himself here? I didn't invite him self here.
I'm here on a mission to get back at the beach, and if you meant to hurt me, congratulations.
I've decided to accept your apology.
Chris, let's go.
I'm-I'm going to hang out here with Elise.
( scoffs ) Fine.
As always, it falls to me.
I really don't understand your problem with the beach, Dan.
Everyone loves the beach.
It's nice and sunny, relaxing.
Have you ever relaxed? Once.
It made me very stressed.
( sighs ) Dan, why don't you just sit down and join us? ( scoffs ) Fine.
( woman giggles ) ( dolphin squeaks ) See? Not so bad, right? I guess, kind of.
Actually, it's sort of peaceful.
See? I told you.
Not everything has to be a battle.
You know, maybe I got a little carried away.
The beach isn't so bad.
- Ow! - Whoa! Are you all right? You set me up! - ( both grunting ) - Guys.
I know places they will never find your bodies.
Take it somewhere else.
Let's go.
But I thought we were going to build a sand castle.
I thought we were going to have a baby.
Okay, let's go.
So I'm just saying dark colors naturally attract more heat.
You might want to think about getting a white shirt for the summer.
You, stop running so fast.
You, run faster.
You, enjoy the beach more.
I will not! Close this place down, and we'll be out of your ridiculous, sun-bleached hair.
Close down the beach? No way.
Sunshine, fresh air, beautiful-- hello.
Either of you ladies need mouth-to-mouth? I'm certified.
- ( women giggle ) - Yup, this is the best job I've ever had.
I see what's going on.
You think you're the king around here.
Kings don't think.
They know.
Chris, climb up there and dethrone this dictator.
We'll see who's king of this beach.
Can't we just go build a sand castle? Aah! Sunscreen in my eyes.
- Aah! Oof! - You'll never dethrone me.
This lifeguard job is mine.
Mine, I say! And if anyone-- hello.
Best job ever.
When I met Elise, she was dating a lifeguard, but he died in a freak accident.
( sighs ) There were freaks everywhere.
Lifeguards deserve what they get.
- Dan.
- Fine.
- Dan.
- Fine.
I'm sorry your wife lost a handsome and powerful paramour.
- Dan! - Hey, brah.
Maybe this will teach you to come to the beach! Brah, so not gnarly.
Whaah! ( spits, grumbles ) There's sand everywhere.
So obnoxious.
There's sand everywhere.
It's so obnoxious.
The sand carry the two.
By George, I've done it.
I'm returning your shovel, but I'm taking your bucket.
( snorts ) Chris: Dan, is this really necessary? If you know a better way to make everyone hate the beach, I'm all ears.
I just don't think people are as bothered by sand as you think.
They are at the beach.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
( slurps ) Curses.
If the beach wants to play rough, we'll play rough.
Come with me.
I can't leave Elise here, not with that lifeguard around.
It'll only take one minute.
That's not nearly enough time for them to realize how perfect they are for each other.
All right.
I just need to grab my wallet.
And your pants.
There are children watching.
Hey, you.
Could you put some more lotion on my back? - Yeah, sure.
- Are you coming? We'll be back in one minute! I'll do it in a minute, honey.
Be right back.
Are you sure this will just take a minute? I have never been more sure of anything.
Chris: You said one minute.
Dan: Relax.
Isn't the whole point of a beach day to take it easy? Here.
Take this next exit.
- Chris: City of lndustry? - ( horn honks ) What's in City of lndustry? Dan: Nothing.
Absolutely nothing except for the aquarium! Why is it so crowded? Isn't there an express line for people who just want to borrow a shark? I seriously doubt-- wait.
Shark? Borrow? We're going to clear the beach with your run-of-the-mill shark attack.
It's illegal to steal from the aquarium.
Hey, they stole the shark from nature.
If anything, we're unstealing it.
By the way, how are you with a tranq gun? Yaah! Oh, no! Chris! Make yourself look big.
( screaming ) ( screams ) Agh!You stupid ( slurring ) idiot.
- Wow.
- ( Chris yells ) This water is so wet.
( Chris screams ) Well, that was unpleasant.
( shark roars ) - ( hood rattling ) - Uh-oh.
Looks like someone could use more tranquilizer.
( grunts ) - ( tires squeal ) - ( crashes ) That should calm him down.
( ship's horn blows ) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm okay with setting a shark free, but I'm not going to steal someone's boat.
Stealing? From who? This is my boat.
You never told me you had a boat.
Oh, so we're telling each other everything now? Ohh.
That's adorable.
Do you think we should name him Chompy? Or does he look more like a Greg? Chompy it is.
Drop anchor.
Chompy you're a noble and heroic creature.
Go! Eat the children! ( binoculars whir ) What? But-- ( scoffs ) Are you seeing this? You mean Elise, right? What? No.
No, Chompy's going the wrong way.
- ( gasps ) - He's coming right for us! Well, that could have been a lot worse.
( both yell ) ( both grunting ) The key to a good sand castle is good sand.
Seriously? That's your "A" game? ( both screaming ) - ( grunts ) - Aah! Bad Chompy.
Bad shark! Help! Help! Hel-- ( gurgles ) Looks like we might be out here for a while.
Try to conserve your energy.
( gurgling ) Come on.
Well at least we died for a good cause.
( groans ) Here I come, Grandma, you jerk! Dan, look! ( spits ) It's like a million little problems.
- Where are we? - I don't know.
It looks like a giant beach, which concerns me.
Boy, I'm hungry.
- ( crunches ) - ( Dan yells ) Are you brain-dead? Those are probably poisonous.
( gags, vomits ) Wow.
You might have just saved my life back-- aah! You're welcome, again.
Uh, Dan.
Uh, just a second.
Uh, Dan.
Now hold tight! - ( grunts ) - Got it.
Aah! Dan! ( wings flutter ) Dan: Wow.
Good hang time.
( gasps ) ( birds chirping ) I want to go home.
Of course you do.
This beach is one giant death trap.
I'm so hungry.
I think we're in real trouble here.
What are we going to do? We are going to hunt.
Take off your pants.
Why do I have to be in my swimsuit? Surface area! The more surface area of meaty flesh, the more attractive you are to predators.
I guess that makes sense.
Of course it does.
Now stand still and look more delicious.
- ( rustles ) - Did you hear that? ( chirping ) Aww.
It's just a penguin.
All right.
I'm going to end it.
What? No.
I don't want to eat a cute little penguin.
- It's us or him.
- ( gasps ) ( hisses ) ( shrieks ) - ( hissing ) - Evil penguins.
Run! I'll cover you! Eat stick, penguins! - ( Chris groans ) - Friendly fire.
( screaming ) ( Dan screaming ) Aah! Ooh! Tropical penguins? Where did they get teeth? ( panting ) Want to help me write a big SOS in seashells? Oh, please.
Nobody's coming.
Our only chance is to sit tight and wait for missionaries.
I think missionaries stick to populated areas.
Then my worst nightmare has come true.
We're beach people now.
Oh, the wicked sting of irony.
I miss Elise.
Oh, she'll move on.
Didn't you say she had a thing for lifeguards? All I wanted to do was build a sand castle.
Good news.
You get to build the biggest sand castle ever, 'cause we're going to have to live in it.
Meanwhile, I am going to create fire.
So I've given up on the fire.
How's our beachfront villa? Andfinished.
( groans ) I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.
We have no food, no shelter, no fire.
I hate to say it, but it looks like cannibalism is our only option.
Who are we going to eat? There's just the two of us.
Well, I'm not going to eat me.
Well, you're not going to eat me either.
Well, come on.
You're the meatiest.
- Ow! - Shh.
I'm tenderizing you.
( both grunt ) - Chris.
- I'll eat you first.
- Chris! - What is it? Look! And you were going to eat me.
Good as new.
Why do we have to use my clothes? They're bigger.
It looks like we're going to make it back alive.
The beach better be ready for round two.
Round two? Haven't we been through enough? So do you have a husband? - Not anymore.
- Let's go on a date.
- Snap out of it, Chris! - Where? Dan: I said, "Snap out of it, Chris.
" The boat is sinking! Again! See, this is why I don't buy anything built by Americans.
We have zero standards for safety.
I can't die now.
I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.
I don't think you have a choice.
But, hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go.
( ship's horn blows ) And apparently there's a soundtrack.
Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! We're saved.
Missionaries! I knew it! ( sitar playing ) Hello, Friendship.
How's everybody doing today? ( cheering ) Roughly five minutes from now, the world's largest trash barge is going to try to dump into our beautiful ocean.
What a bummer, man.
( all boo ) Why aren't you eating? This goo is delicious.
I can't eat.
We're surrounded by hippies, tree-hugging, corporation-killing peacemongers.
Are any of those bad things? When that barge shows up, we're going to sneak aboard, get to the bridge, and swipe the ignition key, man.
Then they'll have to talk to us.
( cheering ) So how about a volunteer? - Yeah.
- Right.
I know it sounds dangerous.
You know, I know it's going to be tough, man, but one of us has the chance to be a hero.
Thunderbird? Oh, I can't today.
My aura's way off.
Oh, my bad, man.
I didn't know.
Well, I guess I'll have to step up and lead a discussion circle.
I'll get the drums.
- I volunteer Chris! - What? I've got a beach to destroy.
But this whole thing seems really dangerous.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted to pry your wife from a lifeguard's muscular embrace.
( echoing )muscular embrace.
muscular embrace.
muscular embrace.
muscular embrace.
I'll do it.
( ship's horn blows ) You're sure this will work? 'Course, man.
( shrieks ) Man: Hey.
- Hey.
- Afternoon.
What did you say? Never heard no barge worker say, "Afternoon," before.
Uh, it's my first day.
Really? You replacing Phil? Come on.
No one could really replace Phil.
- ( clanking ) - ( grunts ) Nicely done, old friend.
Nicely done.
So the bridge isn't an actual bridge.
Stop right there, you free-loving do-gooder.
One more step, and I dump 60 tons of radioactive trash in your precious ocean.
Weren't you going to do that anyway? ( sailors grunt ) ( all scream ) Looks like I just took out the trash.
You came here to help me.
You do care.
Ow! Ah, you can't fool me.
That felt like a love pinch.
Ow! All right, now that one felt like a mean pinch.
Captain: Yeah, man! He did it! - ( ship's horn blows ) - Where are they going? Chris, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to destroy a beach.
For me, that time is now.
Knew this would come in handy.
Aw, man.
We've been sabotaged.
People, we got to stop them.
Anybody got any ideas? Discussion circle? ( sighs ) I'll get the drums.
Dan! Slow down! You'll crash! Oh, yes.
Yes, I will.
( ship's horn blows ) Acastlefitfora king.
The beach is closed.
Oh, Elise, I am so sorry.
It's just that, you know, we got the shark, and then there was this island with killer penguins.
And I haven't even told you about the hippies yet.
And I promise I'll never, ever help Dan again with anything if you promise not to leave me for a lifeguard.
What did you say, honey? I must have fallen asleep.
You did? I mean, yes, you did.
I was right here watching you sleep.
Hey, you remembered to lotion my back, right? Right.
( royal fanfare plays ) Announcer: In other news, radioactive trash was spilled on Venice Beach today, completely destroying it.
However, in a surprisingly optimistic turn, cleanup efforts are already under way.
What? Why? ( car horn honks ) It couldn't be.
( tires squeal ) ( groans ) No! Hippies! ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.