Dan Vs. (2010) s01e12 Episode Script

George Washington

So you're what's been keeping me up.
Jerk.
Sorry, Mr.
Mumbles.
Stupid reading.
You, George Washington, so-called Father of Our Country.
Ungrateful troublemaker, if you ask me.
After everything that generous monarch did for this country-- Oh, forget it.
Now's not the time or the place.
I'm going back to bed.
Oh, perfect.
Oh, no.
My car! My car! My car! Why, palm tree? Why? This tree has been murdered but by whom? Curious.
These footprints were obviously made by a buckle-y shoe.
Wig powder, uncut.
A puzzle is coming together, but what is the picture? Of course.
I should have known.
GEORGE WASHINGTON!!! Hey, want to come jogging with me? Oh, come on! Yesterday you said you were feeling a little fat.
No, I thought you said I was feeling a little fat.
Hey, either way, it was said.
Let's go! Oh, hey, if you're running by the donut place I'm not running by the donut place.
Morning.
Dan.
Ah, you scared the heck out of me.
Good.
What are you doing in my closet? I need your help and clean socks.
You can't borrow my socks.
Too late.
What are you doing here? We are going to destroy George Washington.
- The school or the monument? - The person.
Okay.
Well, good news.
George Washington's dead, has been for 200 years.
If he's dead, where did I get this? Hey, you almost hit my foot.
Focus.
George Washington is up to his old tricks.
Clearly, he chopped down a palm tree in front of my apartment, and it fell on my car.
So by "up to his old tricks," you mean that old myth about him chopping down a cherry tree.
It's not a myth.
It's American history.
- It is not.
- Why do you hate America? Ah.
Starting early today, Dan? Dan thinks George Washington chopped down a palm tree and smashed his car.
So it's going to be one of those days.
I tried reasoning with him.
- With Dan? - I see your point.
When she refers to me in the third person, - it's horribly rude.
- Apologies, Dan.
You do know that George Washington is dead, right? I have proof otherwise.
It's next to my foot.
An ax with "G.
W.
" scratched in the handle.
That's your proof? What else do you need, wig powder? I'll vacuum later.
I was going to do some work around the house today.
Can you take Dan somewhere else? See, there's that third-person thing again.
She might want to watch that.
Okay, somebody's got to say it.
George Washington did not rise from the dead to destroy your car.
I never said he rose from the dead.
So, what, he's immortal like a vampire? I never said he's a vampire.
He could have slept for a long time.
Okay, assuming you're not cuckoo, how do you expect to find George Washington? He's 200 years old.
How far could he have gotten? I have a better idea.
Let's grab a donut, relax, maybe call that doctor the court ordered you to see.
George Washington! Stop the car! Is that-- can't be.
Please visit the hallowed halls of history.
Gotcha! Somebody help! This guy is crazy! Tree murderer! Car killer! - Police! - Dan, stop.
But we've got him.
Look.
I'm an actor.
I play George Washington here at the museum.
See? In that case, I apologize.
He couldn't be the real George Washington.
That's true.
The real George Washington has been dead for over 200 years.
Oh? I was not aware of that.
I've been telling you all morning! True.
So you didn't believe me, but you believe him? Yeah.
He's the expert.
You don't know that.
What's George Washington's birthday? Presidents' Day.
Presidents' Day changes every year.
See? I believe him.
So what do you have against G.
W.
? - He chopped down a tree.
- The cherry tree, right? He did it again.
This time, it hit my car.
Well, he must have done it from beyond the grave.
Guy's dead.
Beyond the grave.
This is why our children are getting dumber, no standards.
- We don't have children.
- You know what I mean.
Hey, you want to stop for donuts? No time! We have to get back at George Washington! I've been telling you, and that poorly informed impersonator told you George Washington is dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
Just because he's dead doesn't mean he didn't chop down that tree.
That's exactly what it means, actually.
It does not! George Washington is out there, Iaughing in our faces, and I think I know just how to find him.
That doesn't sound like donuts.
Come on, Dan.
This is crazy, even for you.
Crazy like someone who's getting back at the long-dead Founding Father of our-- Well, okay, when you say it out loud Anyway, we're here.
Who is it that enters the sacred warehouse of Madame Zelda? If you're really psychic, you tell us.
The spirits are telling me that you are skeptical of my abilities.
She's good.
She is not.
How can you, of all people, believe in psychics? This learned woman has degrees from every major psychic institution in the country.
To be fair, some of these are honorary.
Let's just get this over with.
I need to talk to George Washington.
- That will be $200.
- Pay her.
No way.
A: this is your revenge, and, B: I'm a little short right now.
You have got to learn how to manage your money better.
How much do you have? On me? I can tell your need is great.
I will perform my services for $50.
I just said 40's all I have.
I sense you are holding out.
Just my emergency sandwich money.
- Pay her! - Are you gonna pay me back? I sense no.
She is good.
Can we turn the spooky music off? No.
The spirits like it.
Let us all join hands.
Ugh.
When was the last time you washed your hands? Don't have to.
Cat licks them clean.
Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington.
Are you there, Mr.
President? Make a noise if you are with us.
- He's here! - She just kicked the table.
Someone just kicked me.
George Washington will take possession of my body.
Hello.
It is l, George Washington, first President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.
- Continental Army.
- That's what I said.
Is not-- ow! Is it really you, Mr.
Washington? Yes.
Now what question can I help you with? Dan, no! What are you, a psychopath? Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free! There is no way I'm going to help you murder a psychic, even a fake one.
The spell is broken.
Oh, come on! You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.
Well, you should have told me that before we started.
Just give me my $50 and get out.
You don't see dollar one until I speak with George Washington.
Remember, get paid first.
Fine.
I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise-- Not to kill you.
We promise, right, Dan? Not to kill you.
We promise, right, Dan? Dan.
Fine.
It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.
But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.
Ahem, what is it that l, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with? This is ridiculous.
That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.
So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.
Fine! What's your middle name, George? I didn't have one? Actually, I think that's right.
You have got to learn to trust the experts.
I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay! Oh, please.
I'm the Father of Our Country.
You're just an angry little man with a smashed car.
Thousands of people still visit my home every week.
Does anyone visit your home? I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- This isn't over.
The things I do for 50 bucks.
Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment! That was a waste of time.
Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same sГ©ance? He bragged about his house.
That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.
Hey, Elise, you never really liked Mount Vernon, right? What are you talking about? Dan's going to destroy it.
He wants me to help.
That seems like a bad idea for several reasons, many of them legal.
If I don't go, he'll do it on his own and probably cause a lot more damage.
Hey, why don't you come with us? To help you destroy Mount Vernon? I don't think so.
Not to destroy Mount Vernon, to keep Dan from destroying Mount Vernon.
Come on.
We'll have a nice road trip, eat out, maybe stop Dan from destroying an historical landmark.
- It will be romantic.
- With Dan? He really likes you.
I can't believe you brought her along.
This is terrible.
You have been complaining for the last six hours.
Yeah, give it a rest.
I'm going with you.
I'm in the car and everything.
Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find her way home.
She always does.
I'm coming along to help you get revenge on George Washington.
The last thing I need is-- really? - Yes.
- Oh.
Thanks.
I would also like shotgun.
You can't have it.
How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon, anyway? I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk.
That reminds me, don't get into an accident.
And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.
Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon? Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge.
It's anybody's guess as to what he knows about any given topic.
Watch.
Hey, Dan, who sculpted Mount Rushmore? Gutzon Borglum.
Then his son finished it.
- Why? - And what state is it in? I don't know! Ecuador or something! What's with all the questions? So there is a savant half.
It's just so flat out here! For miles and miles, just flat! Chris, are you okay? Sure, of course! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, okay, I'm a little creeped out by all the-- I mean, it's so flat! Take a deep breath.
I can't.
I can't, not with all the grassland watching me! It's watching me! Let me out! Let me out! Hey, trying to sleep here.
It's flat! Well, this is a setback.
So much sky! - So what's with him, anyway? - It's everywhere! Prairie madness.
Is that something you just made up? No, it's a condition that's probably somewhat related to agoraphobia.
Early settlers would look out at the vast landscape and be affected by a profound sense of isolation.
Flat! In some cases, it would cause them to act radically.
I have to admit I'm a little worried about the guy.
Should we be chasing him or something? Nah.
I got it.
Fla-- aah! Guys, really, I'm fine.
Look, I realize I lost it a little there, you know, but, really, you can untie me now.
We're almost out of the prairie.
We'll untie you soon.
I promise.
I don't know.
I kind of like him like this.
You're an excellent driver, by the way.
Thank you.
I'm starting to think you're the smart one here.
Nice to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around food.
I could sing a few bars of that.
You know I can hear you guys.
It looks virtually unguarded, but they do have a perimeter guard in Continental Army uniforms.
I've made a map of their locations.
They also appear to have a regular patrol, but if we time it right, we can get in and out before they notice us.
Great.
I'll get the explosives.
We are going to stop Dan from blowing up an historic landmark, right? Taken care of.
Here we go.
And I brought us masks.
- Hey, trade me? - Nope.
We've got to get out of here.
Next patrol's due soon.
Wait.
Who put you in charge? Fine.
You're in charge.
What do you want to do? Dig in.
We make our stand here.
Chris, start digging a trench around the perimeter.
Elise, go and seduce the enemy for military secrets.
Guys? Seriously? Deserters will be hanged! What? Fireworks? What happened to my explosives? That's odd.
Are you sure they were explosives? Of course I'm sure! That's it.
Wally's Hardware Emporium and High Explosives Depot is going on the list! I'll have to remember it till I start a new notebook.
He won't remember.
He's like an angry goldfish.
So when did you swap out Dan's explosives for fireworks? I just modified them.
Fireworks are basically explosives anyway.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
Sure makes me feel better to know Dan doesn't have dynamite anymore.
I'll admit I sometimes wonder why you guys are friends, but I kind of get it now.
He's like a big kid.
So are you happy you came? You know, it's actually kind of fun making sure Dan doesn't hurt himself or others or history.
One does get caught up in it.
Hey, are you guys awake? I can't sleep.
Go back to your tent and try.
I tried already enough.
You want to come in here with us? No.
- Hi, guys.
- You okay, Dan? My plan didn't work.
I can't sleep until my plan works.
I need to fix that Revolutionary jerk.
I'm sure we can find some way for you to get back at George Washington that involves less wanton destruction.
But I like wanton destruction.
I know you do, sweetheart.
Okay, everybody back to their tent now.
Tell me a story.
There was once a little prince who was so very angry.
Was his name Dan? I'm glad we didn't blow this place up.
I've always wanted to visit here.
Look, a guided tour.
It's the perfect way to sneak in, walk right through the front door.
It's not really sneaking, then, is it? Not really.
Welcome to the plantation home of George Washington.
As you walk through the house, please note the neoclassical Georgian architecture.
Noted.
What's in there? Oh, that room is off-limits.
Several items of historical importance, including many possessions of George Washington himself, are stored in that room.
I see.
Now as we proceed into the next room, I think you'll be able to notice Let's go.
We're not supposed to go in there.
Then why did they leave it open? They didn't.
Sure, they did.
Wait.
No! Isn't this room lovely? Weren't there more of you? Weren't there? Maybe we could break his wooden teeth.
Actually, George Washington had teeth made from hippopotamus ivory.
You will believe anything.
Look.
That looks like a couple of nails.
It's where the ax was hanging until the ghost of George Washington took it to chop down the tree outside my apartment.
Of course.
- Hey, it's a diary.
- Give me that! The artifacts room! Stop right there! Teeth! Stop! Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! We don't have anything to fire! I only regret that I had but one pile of explosives.
Get in! So long, Continental Army! What are you so happy about? You didn't get revenge.
Didn't l? I just saw you get chased away from the house by a group of militiamen.
But before that, I activated plan "B.
" So what's this plan "B"? Let's just say I left a little footnote in history.
"Today a gentleman named Dan, who is much stronger, smarter, and better-looking than I am, pulled my pants down and paddled my bottom in the middle of the street.
I was humiliated, to say the least.
Dan is great, and l, George Washington, have a very red bottom!" Dan! lnventive.
Yet only slightly destructive to history.
- Not bad.
- Flat! Yeah, I'm pretty brilliant.
- It's really peaceful out here.
- Featureless! - Absolutely featureless! - Look at all those stars.
Help! - He'll tire himself out.
- Help!