Dan Vs. (2010) s02e06 Episode Script
Dan Vs. The Monster Under the Bed
(dan dazed) Huh? Wha? Was that you, Mr.
Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed (mr.
mumbles) MEOWS Yes, I know you like them, but Keep it down, you jerks! Whoa! What was that? Is my bed on fire?! Huh.
Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr.
Mumbles, we have a problem.
Evacuation plan fourteen! Not TWELVE! FOURTEEN! Good kitty.
Now for my clothes.
Clothing's overrated anyway.
Vamonos! Hey! Whuuh!!! Mommy, there's a naked man outside! Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed! (little girl giggles) baby MONSTER UNDER THE BED! Stay here.
I'll go get Chris.
(mr.
mumbles) meows (dan o.
s.
) chris! chris! Hey, it's dan.
(dan o.
s.
) Aahhhh! Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost-- Aaaahhhhh! stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing? (chris chuckling) you could try gnawing your own leg off.
You think this is funny?! Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
" Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember? And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower.
Come with me.
Do you know what time it is? I don't care what time it is! I need help.
There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway.
Listen to me very carefully: I hate you.
Also, there is a monster under my bed! I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week.
Sort of a "stay-cation.
" First off, that's not a real thing.
Second, there's no time for your foolishness.
I have just been ejected from my own domicile! By a monster.
Under your bed.
Don't say it like that! After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported- There's nothing to see in Rome! I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun.
For once.
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we? I'll get my keys.
Wait! Bring me some pants.
Baby.
Don't you have parents? Do you see it? The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
I left my keys inside.
Do you have a spare? Of course.
What are you doing? Let go! Yuck.
Wash your feet.
That's not okay, you know.
Stay in front of me.
If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you.
Well? I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
It wasn't a dream! It was right here! (chris sarcastic) Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything It's not garbage until I throw it out! I'm going home.
Coward.
Wait! Can we stay with you? For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves? What are we supposed to do? Sleep in the car? There's no monster under your bed, Dan.
Is so! Good night, Mr.
Mumbles.
(mr.
mumbles) meows.
Ah! Ow Ugh.
So they have this hot stone massage that's supposed to be- Uh, eggs for me.
And the smoked fish plate for Mr.
Mumbles.
Morning, Dan.
And not too runny.
Last time your eggs did not reflect your best efforts.
Finally.
You already made Dan breakfast? I saw his car out front when I got the paper.
Thought I may as well.
Would it kill you to bring a guy some orange juice?! No pulp.
Good news, friends.
And Elise.
I have just figured out what to do about my little monster problem.
Does it involve therapy? Medication? No.
It involves- Fine.
It involves setting a trap.
I was inspired by the little welcoming gift you left for me outside.
He really believes there's a monster under his bed,doesn't he? Uh-huh.
Of course I do! Since the dawn of time, man has done battle with his greatest foe: the monster under the bed.
Some cower under monster-proof blankets.
Others force their teddy bears to stand guard over them as they sleep.
I, however, choose the path less taken.
I will bring the fight to the monster itself! And when I do Aw, come on! If the steel spikes don't get it, the holly stakes will.
I've also taken the liberty of sprinkling salt, garlic, holy water, and silver dust over the jaws of the trap.
Whatever kind of monster it is, this'll take care of it.
Hey, why don't Elise and I take Mr.
Mumbles for a couple of days? I don't want her wandering into this trap by mistake.
You'll let my cat stay with you, but not your best friend in the whole wide world? Elise likes Mr.
Mumbles.
Ha! Gotcha! Ptui! Uh-oh.
Oh! That can't be good.
The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns! Dan? Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead! Well, that is odd.
Don't know if it's proof of monsters It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!? If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn.
Let's go.
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan.
You won't let us sleep.
That's coercion.
You say "tomato" Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over? Because it's two in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is.
That's just good manners.
There's nothing down here.
Keep looking! I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh Maybe not.
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
What is it? It's a scale, I think.
But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
We can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
What are we doing here? You promised me milkshakes.
We can't just sit back and wait for Elise's stupid science results to solve a supernatural problem.
I should have come here the minute I knew I had a monster.
Doesn't Madame Zelda hate you? Hate me? I'm one of her best customers! She loves me! Last time we were here she said, and I quote, "If you ever return, I will ask the spirits to haunt you mercilessly until the day you die, and then torment your soul for a thousand years.
" Oh, that's just how she talks to people.
Why can't we get something to eat? The sign says this place doesn't open until ten in the morning.
It's the middle of the night.
Ah.
That's for tourists.
Madame Zelda! Hello? Madame Zelda! Who dares disturb the home office of- YOU! Leave me alone! I hate you! We both know you don't mean that.
How have you been? Get off of my property! You still owe me for the last time I contact spirits for you! And damages.
Of course I'll pay you! I brought my wallet with me.
His name is Chris.
What can Madame Zelda help you with this evening? Monster under the bed.
Ooh, that's a toughie.
I can help but it will cost you a great deal of money.
I have some very rare, magical figurines from Indonesia.
Where monster attacks are down 76%.
We'll take them.
That will be two hundred dollars.
Of course.
Oh, uh, can I also get one of your love potions? I'll get it for you.
Go! Go! C'mon! Go! I don't think these are really magical figurines from Indonesia.
Do not accuse Madame Zelda of lying to us.
She knows all.
Then how come she doesn't know you won't pay her? She knows.
That's just a little game we play.
I'm pretty sure this is one of those plastic army guys, spray painted gold.
Hello? Okay, see you there.
It's Elise.
She's found something.
How does Ninja Dave do it? These taste as good as ones made with real butter.
I'm going to give it to you straight, Dan.
You're in trouble.
I'm pretty sure the stuff we got from Madame Zelda's will take care of it.
I'm pretty sure Madame Zelda's a fraud.
Bite your tongue! Ahem.
Was that the tentacle that attacked you? Mmm Hard to tell.
One tentacle tends to looks like another.
Agsagoth the Devourer? That doesn't sound good.
Ancient Sumerians believed in certain "otherworldly beings.
" And somehow you must have opened a portal and let one in.
Opened a portal.
Please.
I don't even open the door for my mom.
Look at the tentacles.
They're exactly how you described.
I did not spend my formative years watching B-grade sci-fi movies at 2 a.
m.
without learning that LOTS of monsters have tentacles.
Most, actually.
Uh, Dan? You should probably look at this.
Based on the scale I analyzed, that's your monster.
I already got an expert opinion, so there's no need for you to go on one of your wild flights of fancy.
Wild flights of-?! I've been up half the night, helping you- You know what? I hope you get devoured.
Hey.
Drive me home.
Dan, you should really listen to Elise.
Agsagoth is no joke.
Uh-huh.
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle.
That's already happened.
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
I think we should run.
That was close.
Baby.
Rahhhh.
Monsters They live under your bed, but never kick in for the rent.
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
There's a reason it's called "Agsagoth the Devourer.
" I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me.
What did I ever do to Agsagoth? Does this look familiar? No.
Should it? This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Allegedly.
Not allegedly, Dan.
Actually.
The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol.
It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
So? Fix it.
Dan.
If you had read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Allegedly.
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you.
Have you forgotten the next steps? Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
So do you want to get rid of the monster or not? Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- uugff! Ooh! My guts! It's the second step! Let me see your forehead! Let go, lummox Uh, Dan? Look.
How am I supposed to look at my own forehead, you jerk?! Okay, now look.
Oh come on! I can't believe I'm spending my money to fix your car.
If it makes you feel any better, it could have been worse.
I'm going to be devoured.
How could it be worse? A slightly different scratch on the car, and you could have summoned "Ugraggoth of the Deviant Art.
" Look at what he does to people.
Ah! Why would you show that to me?! Especially when my stomach's upset.
So do you want to hear the good news, or the bad news? I think I could use some good news right about now.
There is a way to get rid of the monster under your bed.
Banish it back to its home dimension, so it can never return.
I'd prefer to kill it The ritual involves reading a specific incantation at the right moment.
There are some items required to perform the ceremony, but they're relatively easy to come by.
What's the bad news? It has to be done at a crossing of the "ley lines," and the closest one is in the middle of the Canadian wasteland.
Ah.
Great.
Canada.
You'll have to leave tomorrow if you're going to make it in time.
And you have to go alone.
Fine, but you're coming with me.
Alone Dan! Stupid monsters Stupid ritual I never thought I'd see the day.
Dan's mowing our lawn.
Well, the ritual requires several bags of grass clippings.
So Dan put our lawnmower back together, and Do you think I have enough yet? Almost.
Hey, get closer to the bushes over there.
Fine.
I like it.
Now, I packed you some sandwiches for your drive They better not have any cheese in them.
My guts have had enough trouble for one week.
Turkey and mustard on white.
And I copied the incantation from the book onto this special parchment.
Don't open it until you've performed the ceremony.
And this is your purification ointment.
Madame Zelda had one bottle left.
Well, I'm off.
See you soon.
I hope.
Good luck Dan! Don't get eaten! Spa week? Love to.
They never recovered from that avalanche.
Oh well.
Strip down to my underwear? In this weather? Maybe Chris packed me a blanket Aaahhh! Ah! Ugh! Yuck! What is this stuff?! Humu-humu-nuku-nuku-apu u-a-a- Bibbity bobbity-boo-Dan-if-you' 're-readin g this-then What? "Dan, if you're reading this, then you're probably in your underwear somewhere in the Canadian wasteland, and you've just covered yourself in fish guts.
" (chris v.
o.
) After one too many transgressions on your part, I finally decided that I had to take action.
Transgressions?! (chris v.
o.
) I can overlook a broken lawnmower and a scratch on our car, but I knew that as long as you were around Elise and I would never get to enjoy our "stay-cation".
There's no such thing! (chris v.
o.
) Therefore, I put a plan in motion You jerk.
Aahh.
.
Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me.
Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation.
Besides, all's well that ends well.
CHRIS!!!
Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed (mr.
mumbles) MEOWS Yes, I know you like them, but Keep it down, you jerks! Whoa! What was that? Is my bed on fire?! Huh.
Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr.
Mumbles, we have a problem.
Evacuation plan fourteen! Not TWELVE! FOURTEEN! Good kitty.
Now for my clothes.
Clothing's overrated anyway.
Vamonos! Hey! Whuuh!!! Mommy, there's a naked man outside! Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed! (little girl giggles) baby MONSTER UNDER THE BED! Stay here.
I'll go get Chris.
(mr.
mumbles) meows (dan o.
s.
) chris! chris! Hey, it's dan.
(dan o.
s.
) Aahhhh! Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost-- Aaaahhhhh! stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing? (chris chuckling) you could try gnawing your own leg off.
You think this is funny?! Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
" Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember? And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower.
Come with me.
Do you know what time it is? I don't care what time it is! I need help.
There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway.
Listen to me very carefully: I hate you.
Also, there is a monster under my bed! I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week.
Sort of a "stay-cation.
" First off, that's not a real thing.
Second, there's no time for your foolishness.
I have just been ejected from my own domicile! By a monster.
Under your bed.
Don't say it like that! After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported- There's nothing to see in Rome! I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun.
For once.
Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we? I'll get my keys.
Wait! Bring me some pants.
Baby.
Don't you have parents? Do you see it? The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
I left my keys inside.
Do you have a spare? Of course.
What are you doing? Let go! Yuck.
Wash your feet.
That's not okay, you know.
Stay in front of me.
If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you.
Well? I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
It wasn't a dream! It was right here! (chris sarcastic) Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything It's not garbage until I throw it out! I'm going home.
Coward.
Wait! Can we stay with you? For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves? What are we supposed to do? Sleep in the car? There's no monster under your bed, Dan.
Is so! Good night, Mr.
Mumbles.
(mr.
mumbles) meows.
Ah! Ow Ugh.
So they have this hot stone massage that's supposed to be- Uh, eggs for me.
And the smoked fish plate for Mr.
Mumbles.
Morning, Dan.
And not too runny.
Last time your eggs did not reflect your best efforts.
Finally.
You already made Dan breakfast? I saw his car out front when I got the paper.
Thought I may as well.
Would it kill you to bring a guy some orange juice?! No pulp.
Good news, friends.
And Elise.
I have just figured out what to do about my little monster problem.
Does it involve therapy? Medication? No.
It involves- Fine.
It involves setting a trap.
I was inspired by the little welcoming gift you left for me outside.
He really believes there's a monster under his bed,doesn't he? Uh-huh.
Of course I do! Since the dawn of time, man has done battle with his greatest foe: the monster under the bed.
Some cower under monster-proof blankets.
Others force their teddy bears to stand guard over them as they sleep.
I, however, choose the path less taken.
I will bring the fight to the monster itself! And when I do Aw, come on! If the steel spikes don't get it, the holly stakes will.
I've also taken the liberty of sprinkling salt, garlic, holy water, and silver dust over the jaws of the trap.
Whatever kind of monster it is, this'll take care of it.
Hey, why don't Elise and I take Mr.
Mumbles for a couple of days? I don't want her wandering into this trap by mistake.
You'll let my cat stay with you, but not your best friend in the whole wide world? Elise likes Mr.
Mumbles.
Ha! Gotcha! Ptui! Uh-oh.
Oh! That can't be good.
The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns! Dan? Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead! Well, that is odd.
Don't know if it's proof of monsters It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!? If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
With my brand new air horn.
Let's go.
Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
This isn't a visit, Dan.
You won't let us sleep.
That's coercion.
You say "tomato" Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over? Because it's two in the morning.
So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is.
That's just good manners.
There's nothing down here.
Keep looking! I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Uh Maybe not.
Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
What is it? It's a scale, I think.
But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
We can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
I'll wait until the tests come back.
What are we doing here? You promised me milkshakes.
We can't just sit back and wait for Elise's stupid science results to solve a supernatural problem.
I should have come here the minute I knew I had a monster.
Doesn't Madame Zelda hate you? Hate me? I'm one of her best customers! She loves me! Last time we were here she said, and I quote, "If you ever return, I will ask the spirits to haunt you mercilessly until the day you die, and then torment your soul for a thousand years.
" Oh, that's just how she talks to people.
Why can't we get something to eat? The sign says this place doesn't open until ten in the morning.
It's the middle of the night.
Ah.
That's for tourists.
Madame Zelda! Hello? Madame Zelda! Who dares disturb the home office of- YOU! Leave me alone! I hate you! We both know you don't mean that.
How have you been? Get off of my property! You still owe me for the last time I contact spirits for you! And damages.
Of course I'll pay you! I brought my wallet with me.
His name is Chris.
What can Madame Zelda help you with this evening? Monster under the bed.
Ooh, that's a toughie.
I can help but it will cost you a great deal of money.
I have some very rare, magical figurines from Indonesia.
Where monster attacks are down 76%.
We'll take them.
That will be two hundred dollars.
Of course.
Oh, uh, can I also get one of your love potions? I'll get it for you.
Go! Go! C'mon! Go! I don't think these are really magical figurines from Indonesia.
Do not accuse Madame Zelda of lying to us.
She knows all.
Then how come she doesn't know you won't pay her? She knows.
That's just a little game we play.
I'm pretty sure this is one of those plastic army guys, spray painted gold.
Hello? Okay, see you there.
It's Elise.
She's found something.
How does Ninja Dave do it? These taste as good as ones made with real butter.
I'm going to give it to you straight, Dan.
You're in trouble.
I'm pretty sure the stuff we got from Madame Zelda's will take care of it.
I'm pretty sure Madame Zelda's a fraud.
Bite your tongue! Ahem.
Was that the tentacle that attacked you? Mmm Hard to tell.
One tentacle tends to looks like another.
Agsagoth the Devourer? That doesn't sound good.
Ancient Sumerians believed in certain "otherworldly beings.
" And somehow you must have opened a portal and let one in.
Opened a portal.
Please.
I don't even open the door for my mom.
Look at the tentacles.
They're exactly how you described.
I did not spend my formative years watching B-grade sci-fi movies at 2 a.
m.
without learning that LOTS of monsters have tentacles.
Most, actually.
Uh, Dan? You should probably look at this.
Based on the scale I analyzed, that's your monster.
I already got an expert opinion, so there's no need for you to go on one of your wild flights of fancy.
Wild flights of-?! I've been up half the night, helping you- You know what? I hope you get devoured.
Hey.
Drive me home.
Dan, you should really listen to Elise.
Agsagoth is no joke.
Uh-huh.
First, he marks his victim with his tentacle.
That's already happened.
What, this? This is just a bruise.
Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
I think we should run.
That was close.
Baby.
Rahhhh.
Monsters They live under your bed, but never kick in for the rent.
Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
There's a reason it's called "Agsagoth the Devourer.
" I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me.
What did I ever do to Agsagoth? Does this look familiar? No.
Should it? This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Allegedly.
Not allegedly, Dan.
Actually.
The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol.
It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
So? Fix it.
Dan.
If you had read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Allegedly.
You called this creature here, and now it's marked you.
Have you forgotten the next steps? Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
So do you want to get rid of the monster or not? Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- uugff! Ooh! My guts! It's the second step! Let me see your forehead! Let go, lummox Uh, Dan? Look.
How am I supposed to look at my own forehead, you jerk?! Okay, now look.
Oh come on! I can't believe I'm spending my money to fix your car.
If it makes you feel any better, it could have been worse.
I'm going to be devoured.
How could it be worse? A slightly different scratch on the car, and you could have summoned "Ugraggoth of the Deviant Art.
" Look at what he does to people.
Ah! Why would you show that to me?! Especially when my stomach's upset.
So do you want to hear the good news, or the bad news? I think I could use some good news right about now.
There is a way to get rid of the monster under your bed.
Banish it back to its home dimension, so it can never return.
I'd prefer to kill it The ritual involves reading a specific incantation at the right moment.
There are some items required to perform the ceremony, but they're relatively easy to come by.
What's the bad news? It has to be done at a crossing of the "ley lines," and the closest one is in the middle of the Canadian wasteland.
Ah.
Great.
Canada.
You'll have to leave tomorrow if you're going to make it in time.
And you have to go alone.
Fine, but you're coming with me.
Alone Dan! Stupid monsters Stupid ritual I never thought I'd see the day.
Dan's mowing our lawn.
Well, the ritual requires several bags of grass clippings.
So Dan put our lawnmower back together, and Do you think I have enough yet? Almost.
Hey, get closer to the bushes over there.
Fine.
I like it.
Now, I packed you some sandwiches for your drive They better not have any cheese in them.
My guts have had enough trouble for one week.
Turkey and mustard on white.
And I copied the incantation from the book onto this special parchment.
Don't open it until you've performed the ceremony.
And this is your purification ointment.
Madame Zelda had one bottle left.
Well, I'm off.
See you soon.
I hope.
Good luck Dan! Don't get eaten! Spa week? Love to.
They never recovered from that avalanche.
Oh well.
Strip down to my underwear? In this weather? Maybe Chris packed me a blanket Aaahhh! Ah! Ugh! Yuck! What is this stuff?! Humu-humu-nuku-nuku-apu u-a-a- Bibbity bobbity-boo-Dan-if-you' 're-readin g this-then What? "Dan, if you're reading this, then you're probably in your underwear somewhere in the Canadian wasteland, and you've just covered yourself in fish guts.
" (chris v.
o.
) After one too many transgressions on your part, I finally decided that I had to take action.
Transgressions?! (chris v.
o.
) I can overlook a broken lawnmower and a scratch on our car, but I knew that as long as you were around Elise and I would never get to enjoy our "stay-cation".
There's no such thing! (chris v.
o.
) Therefore, I put a plan in motion You jerk.
Aahh.
.
Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
He's going to be really mad.
He's got to start listening to me.
Every once in a while, anyway.
I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation.
Besides, all's well that ends well.
CHRIS!!!