Dan Vs. (2010) s02e07 Episode Script
Dan Vs. Golf
Where's your deadbeat husband? He's not answering his phone.
Dan, those painting kits were for the orphans' hospital! Why do they have orphans running a hospital? There's no parental supervision! Just point me to Chris and you'll never know I was here.
I think Chris is just working late.
Do I look stupid to you? Tell me where he is.
He promised to help me plan Mr.
Mumbles birthday party.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not going to tell you where he is.
What?! Why not? Wherever Chris is, if he didn't invite you, it's because he didn't want you there.
You have to learn boundaries.
Ugh!Fine.
But I'm using your bathroom.
Huh.
This wasn't here three days ago.
Dan! Boundaries.
I'll see you soon.
Dan! Hey! Watch the car! Dan? Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr.
Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme.
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf.
It's my new hobby! For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick! Hey C-man, is this vagrant bothering you? Uh, no sir.
Dan, this is my boss, Mr.
Bainbridge.
Mr.
Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that's not why it's called a driving range.
Chris, I'm going to count to 3.
1 Who did that?! I want a name! GOLF!!! Nobody move! Or they get the bat! Wow, Chris! You're a natural born golfer.
Give me the wedge.
I don't see no wedge, mate.
Nothing in here but golf clubs.
Aye aye?this be him No, I already get long distance service.
Yes, I'll hear you out.
Five strokes, right? Aye, sir.
Um, I had three.
What did ye say? Huh? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye! What's going on here? This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score? Um, sure.
That's ridiculous.
I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
What? That's cheating! Dan, knock it off.
Who's Dan? I'm Scottythe Scot.
Just go home.
Not until you quit playing golf forever! Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here? Stay out of this, fancy pants.
This is between me and Chris.
And security.
You'll never take me alive! (muttering to himself) Stupid golf Stupid Chris always shirking his responsibilities He should be here helping me Hello, my good man.
I would like to purchase your finest birthday cake.
For a cat.
I've got a gorgeous seven layer sardine with liver frosting.
I'll take it! You're in luck.
It's on sale.
Only two hundred big ones.
Two hundred-- For a cake?! I grind the liver myself.
What do you have in the five dollar range? HmmJust this sack of bird seed.
Yeah, maybe I'll buy it.
Or maybe I'll-- SEEDS! What's wrong with you? Who needs Chris? I can handle myself.
Liver! Is this yours? Hello Elise.
Or should I say, "ahoy".
What's with the suit? It was my uncle's.
He was buried in it.
That is disgusting.
Elise, I'm in the middle of an epic struggle to exorcise Chris of a demon named golf.
I could use a sidekick.
So, if you can put your unfounded hatred of me aside just this once, maybe we can still save your husband.
Golf is one of the best things that's ever happened to Chris.
He's really enjoying spending time with his boss.
I know you're jealous that he's got a new buddy-- He's not a buddy, Elise.
He's a golf buddy.
Which should concern you.
Soon Chris will be just like every other golfer- spending all of his time playing golf, talking golf, watching golf movies.
And one day, you won't even have a husband.
He'll be a victim of golf, the deadly killer.
Dan, as usual, you are overreacting.
Overreacting?! I'll show you- Is that a text from Chris? What's it say? Has he come to his senses? Is he giving up golf? Spill the beans, woman.
Um, Chris and I were supposed to volunteer together at the orphans' hospital today, but he's cancelling to go to play another round with his boss.
And so it begins.
Dan, it's just one night.
It's no big deal.
If you want me to handle this myself, fine.
But we might have been the best golf-stopping duo to ever live.
We'll never know, because-- --"I'm overreacting.
" Hey! Did you do that? Me? No way! My name's Dan.
Then what's with the spray paint? Iwas going to fix it.
Make it say "I'm down with golf.
" You know, something positive for the kids.
Yo, I got that.
Nigel! Anything we can do about this mess? Wow.
Cool sidekick! I should make Chris wear a tux.
Thanks man.
He's my butler.
Prescott Richman IV.
Dan, the first.
Man, just watching him scrub those lockers makes my back ache.
What do you say we get some massages, huh? Hey, you! Elise! Hi.
You missed a great time at the hospital.
I know we're not supposed to, but I am getting awfully attached to little Susie.
That's great, honey.
Listen-- It's amazing how people really can live in just five rooms.
Hi, you must be Chris's boss.
Elise.
I've heard a lot about you.
Spencer Bainbridge.
Never heard of you.
Mr.
Bainbridge was dropping me off and decided to see how normal people live.
And now I'd like to see how normal people eat.
What's for dinner? Ahhhh DandudeYou gotta loosen up.
This is as loose as I g-- Ahhhh.
Chris, what is your secret for never, I mean NEVER, hitting the sand trap on the fifth hole? Well, while most people would use a six iron, I use a nine.
That's brilliant! How did you come up with that? Well, I.
.
I thought the nine was an upside down six.
I once played mini golf at a bachelorette party.
That's great, Elise.
So I was wondering, do you ever use a flop shot on the seventh fairway if you have a chance to eagle? Chris, did you remember to pick up the balloons for tomorrow? The orphans' Hospital is putting on a music festival, "Hip Hop for Hope.
" Oh, that reminds me.
There's a tournament tomorrow at Fine Pines.
And guess who I signed up? I'll give you a hint.
It's not your wife, whose name I already forgot.
It's me! Elise, did you hear that? But Chris, the festival is tomorrow.
You promised you'd be my hype man.
I didn't even tell you the Best part.
If a non-member takes first in the tournament, they win membership to the club! Membership?! I could go to the buffet for every meal Chris, think of the children.
Oh Come on, Elise, sick children will always be there.
Chris getting a shot at membership is a once in a year opportunity.
Fine.
Go play.
Yuss! --but even though Nigel almost got eaten by a lion, it was probably my best birthday ever.
That does sound like a good birthday.
(elise o.
s.
) Hors devours? No, thanks.
I'm pretty full.
(elise o.
s.
) I really think you should have one.
OK, Dan.
I never thought I'd say this, but you were right.
We need to break Chris of his golf habit.
Eh.
What do you mean, "eh?" I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you.
But now, I see golf for what it really is.
Massages, jaccuzzis,and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris? Can and has.
Dan! There you are! Nigel almost went looking for you.
Hey, Pres, after the jacuzzi, let's go shopping for my cat's birthday party.
Sorry, I've got a blimp regatta in an hour.
Plus, I'm more of a dog person.
Alright, I've decided to accept you as my sidekick.
You sure you're OK with me missing the Hip Hop for Hope? I told you, I'm over it.
Just have a good game.
Game on.
About time! The first rule of being a sidekick is punctuality.
'm not your sidekick, Dan.
At least you followed the second rule.
SUPPLIES! Hey, nice blinky thing.
Don't touch anything.
Half this stuff isn't supposed to exist yet.
You handle the easy part.
I'll take care of the rest.
You think winning a golf tournament is easy?! It is when you have this.
Gimme! Gimme! Let me play! You know something, Chris? I have every confidence in the world that you are going to win this thing.
Thanks, sir, that means a lot.
Which is why I put a rather large wager on you doing so.
What? How large? Oh, Chris, I could tell you the number, but it would only make your life seem that much more insignificant.
Dan? Can you let me out here, actually? Dan, I told you! There is nothing you can do to make me quit golf.
Quit golf? Why would I want you to quit golf? I love golf.
Why else would I play in the tournament? You're playing in the tournament? What's your angle? If you must know,I too have found a new,rich best friend.
So,goodbye Chris.
Goodbye forever.
I I don't believe you.
What up, D-man! I brought you a present.
Nigel! Wow.
Thanks, P-man.
This is the best gift anyone has ever given me.
(golf announcer o.
s.
) Up next, Richman IV and Dan I.
May the best Dan win.
Hey! Watch where you're going! Golf is so easy.
Nigel! Nigelthe aluminum driver.
Whoo! Yeah! Way to go me! Nice shot, sir.
Make sure yours is nicer.
Keep it up.
Way to drop the ball, Elise.
I didn't drop anything.
I got bumped.
Excuses, excuses.
You sidekicks are all the same.
Alright, my boy, you've made it.
The last hole.
The concluding cup.
The final exam.
Now, I don't want to put any more pressure on you-- Thank you sir.
I'm already kind of nervous.
--but if you don't finish this course in three strokes or less, you will blow the biggest opportunity of your life.
Also, I doubled my wager.
Come on, Chris! Come on, Chris.
Now who's the sidekick.
Whoa, that felt like a big one.
Okay you're 200 yards to the cup.
Don't forget to account for the spontaneous winds and still rumbling earth.
Don't mess this up! What on earth? Is that birdseed? (golf announcer) First place goes to Dan I! Yes! Hey, it's Elise.
Tell little Susie I'll be there in time for The freestyle rap battle! Well sir, the important thing is we had fun.
You're fired! Aw.
Congratulations on your new membership.
Huh? What'd you do that for? Because golf is stupid.
What?! You said you liked golf.
Psh.
All part of my clever plan.
Multiple sidekicks, lots of double crossing, 80 pounds of bird seed.
But in the end, it was all worth it to watch my friend kick a dirty habit.
Wow.
You really put a lot of effort into this.
Of course.
That's the whole point.
Getting what you want shouldn't be as easy as telling your butler or caddy to do it for you.
You gotta earn it.
So, what should we do now? Well, there's this event I promised to help out with.
Is that sardines? And liver.
I like it.
Dan, those painting kits were for the orphans' hospital! Why do they have orphans running a hospital? There's no parental supervision! Just point me to Chris and you'll never know I was here.
I think Chris is just working late.
Do I look stupid to you? Tell me where he is.
He promised to help me plan Mr.
Mumbles birthday party.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not going to tell you where he is.
What?! Why not? Wherever Chris is, if he didn't invite you, it's because he didn't want you there.
You have to learn boundaries.
Ugh!Fine.
But I'm using your bathroom.
Huh.
This wasn't here three days ago.
Dan! Boundaries.
I'll see you soon.
Dan! Hey! Watch the car! Dan? Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr.
Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme.
I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf.
It's my new hobby! For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick! Hey C-man, is this vagrant bothering you? Uh, no sir.
Dan, this is my boss, Mr.
Bainbridge.
Mr.
Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Son, that's not why it's called a driving range.
Chris, I'm going to count to 3.
1 Who did that?! I want a name! GOLF!!! Nobody move! Or they get the bat! Wow, Chris! You're a natural born golfer.
Give me the wedge.
I don't see no wedge, mate.
Nothing in here but golf clubs.
Aye aye?this be him No, I already get long distance service.
Yes, I'll hear you out.
Five strokes, right? Aye, sir.
Um, I had three.
What did ye say? Huh? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye! What's going on here? This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score? Um, sure.
That's ridiculous.
I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
What? That's cheating! Dan, knock it off.
Who's Dan? I'm Scottythe Scot.
Just go home.
Not until you quit playing golf forever! Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here? Stay out of this, fancy pants.
This is between me and Chris.
And security.
You'll never take me alive! (muttering to himself) Stupid golf Stupid Chris always shirking his responsibilities He should be here helping me Hello, my good man.
I would like to purchase your finest birthday cake.
For a cat.
I've got a gorgeous seven layer sardine with liver frosting.
I'll take it! You're in luck.
It's on sale.
Only two hundred big ones.
Two hundred-- For a cake?! I grind the liver myself.
What do you have in the five dollar range? HmmJust this sack of bird seed.
Yeah, maybe I'll buy it.
Or maybe I'll-- SEEDS! What's wrong with you? Who needs Chris? I can handle myself.
Liver! Is this yours? Hello Elise.
Or should I say, "ahoy".
What's with the suit? It was my uncle's.
He was buried in it.
That is disgusting.
Elise, I'm in the middle of an epic struggle to exorcise Chris of a demon named golf.
I could use a sidekick.
So, if you can put your unfounded hatred of me aside just this once, maybe we can still save your husband.
Golf is one of the best things that's ever happened to Chris.
He's really enjoying spending time with his boss.
I know you're jealous that he's got a new buddy-- He's not a buddy, Elise.
He's a golf buddy.
Which should concern you.
Soon Chris will be just like every other golfer- spending all of his time playing golf, talking golf, watching golf movies.
And one day, you won't even have a husband.
He'll be a victim of golf, the deadly killer.
Dan, as usual, you are overreacting.
Overreacting?! I'll show you- Is that a text from Chris? What's it say? Has he come to his senses? Is he giving up golf? Spill the beans, woman.
Um, Chris and I were supposed to volunteer together at the orphans' hospital today, but he's cancelling to go to play another round with his boss.
And so it begins.
Dan, it's just one night.
It's no big deal.
If you want me to handle this myself, fine.
But we might have been the best golf-stopping duo to ever live.
We'll never know, because-- --"I'm overreacting.
" Hey! Did you do that? Me? No way! My name's Dan.
Then what's with the spray paint? Iwas going to fix it.
Make it say "I'm down with golf.
" You know, something positive for the kids.
Yo, I got that.
Nigel! Anything we can do about this mess? Wow.
Cool sidekick! I should make Chris wear a tux.
Thanks man.
He's my butler.
Prescott Richman IV.
Dan, the first.
Man, just watching him scrub those lockers makes my back ache.
What do you say we get some massages, huh? Hey, you! Elise! Hi.
You missed a great time at the hospital.
I know we're not supposed to, but I am getting awfully attached to little Susie.
That's great, honey.
Listen-- It's amazing how people really can live in just five rooms.
Hi, you must be Chris's boss.
Elise.
I've heard a lot about you.
Spencer Bainbridge.
Never heard of you.
Mr.
Bainbridge was dropping me off and decided to see how normal people live.
And now I'd like to see how normal people eat.
What's for dinner? Ahhhh DandudeYou gotta loosen up.
This is as loose as I g-- Ahhhh.
Chris, what is your secret for never, I mean NEVER, hitting the sand trap on the fifth hole? Well, while most people would use a six iron, I use a nine.
That's brilliant! How did you come up with that? Well, I.
.
I thought the nine was an upside down six.
I once played mini golf at a bachelorette party.
That's great, Elise.
So I was wondering, do you ever use a flop shot on the seventh fairway if you have a chance to eagle? Chris, did you remember to pick up the balloons for tomorrow? The orphans' Hospital is putting on a music festival, "Hip Hop for Hope.
" Oh, that reminds me.
There's a tournament tomorrow at Fine Pines.
And guess who I signed up? I'll give you a hint.
It's not your wife, whose name I already forgot.
It's me! Elise, did you hear that? But Chris, the festival is tomorrow.
You promised you'd be my hype man.
I didn't even tell you the Best part.
If a non-member takes first in the tournament, they win membership to the club! Membership?! I could go to the buffet for every meal Chris, think of the children.
Oh Come on, Elise, sick children will always be there.
Chris getting a shot at membership is a once in a year opportunity.
Fine.
Go play.
Yuss! --but even though Nigel almost got eaten by a lion, it was probably my best birthday ever.
That does sound like a good birthday.
(elise o.
s.
) Hors devours? No, thanks.
I'm pretty full.
(elise o.
s.
) I really think you should have one.
OK, Dan.
I never thought I'd say this, but you were right.
We need to break Chris of his golf habit.
Eh.
What do you mean, "eh?" I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you.
But now, I see golf for what it really is.
Massages, jaccuzzis,and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris? Can and has.
Dan! There you are! Nigel almost went looking for you.
Hey, Pres, after the jacuzzi, let's go shopping for my cat's birthday party.
Sorry, I've got a blimp regatta in an hour.
Plus, I'm more of a dog person.
Alright, I've decided to accept you as my sidekick.
You sure you're OK with me missing the Hip Hop for Hope? I told you, I'm over it.
Just have a good game.
Game on.
About time! The first rule of being a sidekick is punctuality.
'm not your sidekick, Dan.
At least you followed the second rule.
SUPPLIES! Hey, nice blinky thing.
Don't touch anything.
Half this stuff isn't supposed to exist yet.
You handle the easy part.
I'll take care of the rest.
You think winning a golf tournament is easy?! It is when you have this.
Gimme! Gimme! Let me play! You know something, Chris? I have every confidence in the world that you are going to win this thing.
Thanks, sir, that means a lot.
Which is why I put a rather large wager on you doing so.
What? How large? Oh, Chris, I could tell you the number, but it would only make your life seem that much more insignificant.
Dan? Can you let me out here, actually? Dan, I told you! There is nothing you can do to make me quit golf.
Quit golf? Why would I want you to quit golf? I love golf.
Why else would I play in the tournament? You're playing in the tournament? What's your angle? If you must know,I too have found a new,rich best friend.
So,goodbye Chris.
Goodbye forever.
I I don't believe you.
What up, D-man! I brought you a present.
Nigel! Wow.
Thanks, P-man.
This is the best gift anyone has ever given me.
(golf announcer o.
s.
) Up next, Richman IV and Dan I.
May the best Dan win.
Hey! Watch where you're going! Golf is so easy.
Nigel! Nigelthe aluminum driver.
Whoo! Yeah! Way to go me! Nice shot, sir.
Make sure yours is nicer.
Keep it up.
Way to drop the ball, Elise.
I didn't drop anything.
I got bumped.
Excuses, excuses.
You sidekicks are all the same.
Alright, my boy, you've made it.
The last hole.
The concluding cup.
The final exam.
Now, I don't want to put any more pressure on you-- Thank you sir.
I'm already kind of nervous.
--but if you don't finish this course in three strokes or less, you will blow the biggest opportunity of your life.
Also, I doubled my wager.
Come on, Chris! Come on, Chris.
Now who's the sidekick.
Whoa, that felt like a big one.
Okay you're 200 yards to the cup.
Don't forget to account for the spontaneous winds and still rumbling earth.
Don't mess this up! What on earth? Is that birdseed? (golf announcer) First place goes to Dan I! Yes! Hey, it's Elise.
Tell little Susie I'll be there in time for The freestyle rap battle! Well sir, the important thing is we had fun.
You're fired! Aw.
Congratulations on your new membership.
Huh? What'd you do that for? Because golf is stupid.
What?! You said you liked golf.
Psh.
All part of my clever plan.
Multiple sidekicks, lots of double crossing, 80 pounds of bird seed.
But in the end, it was all worth it to watch my friend kick a dirty habit.
Wow.
You really put a lot of effort into this.
Of course.
That's the whole point.
Getting what you want shouldn't be as easy as telling your butler or caddy to do it for you.
You gotta earn it.
So, what should we do now? Well, there's this event I promised to help out with.
Is that sardines? And liver.
I like it.