Dan Vs. (2010) s03e08 Episode Script

The Ski Trip

There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and--- (dan o.
s.
) Can we get some heat back here? And Dan.
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Obviously.
Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing.
Waitwhat are these people doing? Uh, they're skiing.
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle? You mean skeet shooting? Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
Have you ever tried it? You know how I feel about trying things.
Well, I guess we should have known better.
Shall we pack it up and go? Hold on! It's just a one night trip.
Dan, you can survive one night.
And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
Uh-uh.
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot.
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body.
And that guy's.
It's easy.
If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries.
See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food? Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite.
I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
UhChris? Chris? Yeah? Where's the emergency brake on this thing? Mommy Mommy take my picture! Take my-- Mommy!!! Man, this place is a death traAAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! Ow ow ow! My ankle! Stupid skiing! (strong Minnesota accent) You need some help der, buddy? Yes! Please! I've been here for hours! This mountain is a hazard and I demand you close it down immediately.
Afraid I can't do that.
But we'll get ya back to the infirmary in no time.
Thank you so much! Oh, and can you grab my skis? My friend lent them to me and I'd hate to upset him.
Sure thing! Thanks for the ride, powder brain.
Why, what on Earth have we here? Looks to me like some brave humanitarian is trying to shut down the slopes so we can all stop skiing and go home.
Go home? We didn't come here to go home.
Skis ready, Mary Kate? Wait a second! Do you know how likely it is you'll both be killed? That's the whole point of skiing, mister.
To stare death in its snowy face.
Let's boogie.
Buttheyboog gie? Argghh! Let's see how you like skiing without snow.
Rock Music I give you: ski slope flambe.
Hey! Unhand me, you pole jockey! You're going to hurt somebody.
Duh.
The sooner someone gets maimed, the sooner they close this idiotic ski slope, and the sooner you can drive me back to civilization.
Dan, we've been looking forward to this ski trip.
Just let us enjoy it.
Not a chance.
I won't rest until you agree to take me home.
Or skeet shooting.
Ugh, we already told you we'd take you back.
Really? Tomorrow.
I'll kill you!!! Elise, what's going on? I was TRYING to get us home when this psycho-- I think we'll get more skiing done if Dan spends the rest of the trip in the cabin.
Great idea! And I could totally help you with that.
But this family I just met-- Hi! We're the Pleasants! Ward, Claire, Mikey, and Mary Kate.
They invited us to make a snow fort with them.
Hmm.
Hey, what if I went with THEMand you-- Deliver Dan to the cabin? Yes! That's exactly what I was thinking.
We are so in sync.
Ski you later, Mrs.
Chris.
Good one, Mikey.
Man, this is peaceful.
I hate it.
Dan! No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home.
I'm getting out of here right now.
What's this nonsense? Looks like a blizzard.
Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? OK.
I've got icicles in my nose.
I told you.
The only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out.
And by the looks of these clouds, it could be a while.
Maybe even all night.
All night? Oh no.
No no no no.
I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night.
Whaa?! So long, Elise.
I hope you choke on a big pile of Snow! We've got to get out of this ice box! I can't stand another minute! Just sitting here, waiting for the air supply to run out.
Already, I can feel the madness taking hold.
Dan! Someone is going to come rescue us.
Look neither of us wants to be in this situation, let's just find something to pass the time.
Ooh, my favorite! Questionable Pursuit! No good.
I memorized all the answers.
Really? What two-- Pancakes and Florida.
Let me look.
Hmm.
Maybe.
Here we go! Conglomerate! It says we each start with a thousand dollars.
Alright.
I'll b banker.
So here's a thousand dollars for you (counting for himself) And here's 1, 2, 3, 4fifteen thousand dollars for me.
Cheating? Already? Just enjoying the perks of being banker.
It's how Chris and I always play.
Sure.
Whatever you say.
I think you'll find the game is a lot more realistic with a little corruption.
Just roll the dice.
Not till you rub my feet.
Just another perk of being banker.
Alright, Dan, you were right! You were right.
I can't stand being trapped in here another minute.
See? I'm always right.
Hey! Good one, guys.
Good morning, Pleasant family.
Good morning, Chris! We were out of cereal, so we made you eggs benedict.
I made you eggs benedict.
If Claire made them, they'd be eggs derelict.
(laughing) Aw, gosh.
Good one, dad! Wow.
Bed AND breakfast! You guys are the best! But do you mind if I take this to go? I should get back to Elise.
You're not going anywhere.
What? Cause you're snowed in with us! I'll make some cocoa.
I'd better help.
Which, when combined with nitrogen, will create the internal combustion needed to propel the refrigerator, and us, to the surface.
Wow, Elise, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
What we should do is attach a tiny note to a cockroach and train him to find the ranger.
OK, you've had your fun.
Okay, now help me pry the door off this thing.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust! You think a little snow is gonna stop it from rescuing its master? Dan, you have to listen to me.
I've been in situations like this before.
Oh, no.
If it wasn't for your idiotic love of ski trips, I wouldn't be in this mess! From now on you follow my every command! While I agree we need a leader, I'm not sure it should be you.
Then we'll have an election.
Based on an immaculate record of never once taking someone skiing, I vote for me.
I vote for me.
Stalemate.
Rats! That was mine to lose.
Elise, I refuse to live in a cabin where I am not the supreme commander.
Will you accept me as your supreme commander? Never.
Then I'm leaving.
To this side of the cabin.
I hereby secede from this union.
You do whatever you want in Elise land, but you are banned from Dantopia.
Which is why I said, "Come on, guys, let's start our own food bank!" That's my kind of bank.
Man, you guys are the best family in the world! Hey, that gives me an idea.
You should join us! We can adopt you! You could be a Pleasant! My new brother! That's really sweet, but I'm kind of an adult.
Don't worry about the rules.
We have a friend in social services.
But I have a wife.
We'll adopt her too! Then I'd be married to my sister.
I, uh (all laugh again) Good one, Chris! (all laugh again) Done! Hold still! Dan, I need that curtain rod to make my rocket work.
Unfortunately, this flagpole is Dantopia property, so I can't just give it to you.
That said, our nations could set up some sort of trade agreement.
Ugh.
What do you want? Let's seenothing.
Hey! Come back here! I knitted you a tiny sweater! I don't think so.
You want the cockroach, you gotta pay.
Alright, alright.
Don't do anything rash.
Trade on three.
Onetwo Hah! Sucker.
Hey, wait! The line! The line! The line! The citizens of Dantopia will not stand for this! Dan, I promise that if I survive I will come back with help.
Maybe.
And I promise if I survive I'll lobotomize you.
Thief! This would never have happened in Dantopia.
You've really done it this time, Missy.
That cockroach would be half way to the ranger station by now if your stupid rocket hadn't crushed him.
If you don't apologize I'm going to start giving you something I call the silent treatment.
Hellooo? Uh, easy now! Whatever painful thing you're gonna do, consider you'll probably regret it when we get home.
Home? In a few hours, we're gonna freeze to death! I'm never gonna see Chris again.
Or see another foreign country through the scope of a high-powered rifle.
And it's all thanks to you, Mr.
Walking Disaster.
I am not a disaster.
I'm the one who does something about disasters.
You know all of those things you hate, Dan? All those horrible things that happen to you randomly? Well, you know what the common element in all of those things is? Mayonnaise.
You! Well I'm sorry I'm not Mrs.
Perfect.
Mrs.
I have a job.
Mrs.
I'm too good to watch TV for twelve straight hours.
I hate you! I hate you more.
Well you hate everything, so big deal.
So bigger deal! Gotcha! Man, you guys sure are good at hide n' seek.
(doorbell rings) How could someone ring the doorbell if---? Hey der, I just wanna let you know I dug ya out, der.
You can leave anytime you want.
Aw So, yer welcome.
Alright.
Olly olly oxen free! Hey guys.
That was the ranger.
We're dug out.
Which is good cause I should probably go find my wife and friend.
It only now occurs to me that they could be in trouble.
Stop right there, Mister! You're not going anywhere without your new family.
Aw, you guys You know, it's not like I enjoy being this angry.
Do you think I want to give up my weekend to destroy my mailman's shabbat dinner? Or that I liked punching that birthday clown in the face? I just can't help but notice the flaws in every little thing.
Guess it's my over abundant intelligence.
Well, I'm not exactly perfect, okay? I'm keeping a huge secret from everyone I know.
What huge secret? It's a secret.
Oh come on, Elise.
We're gonna die anyway.
OK.
Fine.
My job isn't actually the job you think I have.
I have never devoted any thought to what you do for a living.
My real job is I'm afisherman.
Oh.
I see why you lied.
And lately I've just been worried that it's such a dangerous job, fishing, that maybe I should look for a safer oneeven though I am kind of great at it.
Look, Elise, people need fish.
And sure it's dangerous, but if you don't pick that ocean clean, we'll all starve to death.
Yeah, but maybe someone else could do it.
Didn't you say you were "kind of great at it?" I am.
I'm the deadliest, uh, fisherman in the world.
Then you have a responsibility.
Wow.
Thanks, Dan.
You know what, Elise? I'm going to add you to my will.
Can I see that for a second? Normally I'm private about such things, but I think the hypothermia is making me agreeable.
And numb.
Hey, you're looking at the wrong side.
You wrote your will on a map of Little Bear mountain.
And according to this, our cabin's only thirty yards from the old abandoned chair lift.
Elise, this is hardly the time to go skiing.
No, Dan, it's our chance to get out of here.
Oh, good.
Cause I still hate skiing.
Are we close? I'm running out of places to put snow.
You HAVE been shoring up the tunnel so it doesn't collapse and suffocate us, right? Of course! Hey, look at me! I'm a natural born snow-packer-guy.
This really is a two man job.
Just a little longer Elise! Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh man, we're never gonna find them.
Elise! Dan! You guys are safe! No thanks to you.
OK, this has officially been the best ski trip ever.
Are you kidding? You see Chris, we told you everything would wrap up neatly in the end.
Hey, what are you doing to my new family? You might wanna back up, der.
Your family is not so much a family as they are four escaped mental patients.
What? I've been tracking them up and down the mountain fer months.
If you're anything like the others, they were just about to eat you.
There must be some mistake.
These guys, they love me! Whoa! I almost lost a finger.
Good one, Mikey! Can we leave already? I think we've all learned that ski trips pose a surprisingly wide variety of threats.
Yeah, I'm done with skiing.
You guys are right.
Next time we plan a weekend getaway, we're definitely doing something else.
I've got an idea.
How about fishing? No way.
Elise hates fishing.