Dan Vs. (2010) s03e09 Episode Script

Jury Duty

You're probably wondering why I've called you here.
I'm actually wondering why this place hasn't been condemned.
I want you guys to see something.
Uh, Dan? I'm leaving.
You guys have fun playing "Guess That Rash.
" No, wait! Look at this scratch.
Wow.
Fascinating.
What about it? I have no memory of how it happened.
Mr.
Mumbles says it wasn't her.
(mr.
mumbles, meows) Isn't it odd that I would have no memory whatsoever of this injury? Well, you HAVE taken a lot of head trauma over the years Don't you see?! There's only one possible explanation for this.
I've been abducted by aliens.
All the signs line up! Crop circles! Nostradamus! Reykjavik! Hey! Get off me! Aqueducts! Neoprene! Sauerkraut! You're just saying words! Which one of you is Dan? Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? ohh! L.
A.
Superior Court, buddy.
You've been served.
Jury duty? We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
I don't open mail from the government.
That's what they want you to do.
We'll see you in court.
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail.
Your choice.
Ha, ha.
Dan has to perform his civic duty! Don't worry Dan.
Elise and I will drive you.
Elise? You're Elise? ohhh! Oh, come on! JURY DUTY!!! I'VE been served?! I'll serve you up the backside of your stupid That's what I should have said I don't know why he's upset.
Usually when someone tells Dan they'll see him in court, they mean as a defendant.
I can't believe I have to waste a whole day at the courthouse.
Well I'm not going.
They pay you.
I mean, sure, I'd rather be alien-hunting, but if they wanna compensate me for my time Sure.
How much it it, anyway? Uh Five, I think.
Five hundred? I'm worth more.
Maybe I can negotiate.
No Dan.
Five.
Five DOLLARS!? Before taxes.
Forget it! Let me out! So THAT'S why you replaced our back windows with plexiglass.
I try to think two moves ahead.
Security has gotten so tight at the courthouse lately.
For good reason.
Do you know what kind of lunatics walk through this door every day? Huh.
Forgot I had this.
You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
Uh we'll just go ahead then.
GRENADE! Tee-hee! Stop it! Please proceed to the sobriety test.
I'll be right with you to administer the lie detector.
Are you affiliated with any group that is plotting the violent overthrow of the United States? I'm not really a "joiner.
" I'm more of a "He was acting alone" kind of guy.
Great, now I have to ride an elevator with a bunch of stupid, ugly criminals!? Dan? Stop talking.
Don't be afraid of these troglodytes, Chris.
We're in a building full of cops, and these doors will open any second now.
(grinding noise) Please don't let us be stuck.
Well, at least we-- Huh.
Hey, honest mistake.
I hate you.
You may all be seated.
Fry him! That's the judge, Dan.
I know that! Fry him! I assume you're trying to get out of jury duty? Shirk your civic responsibility? That hurts, your honor.
In fact, I'm so upset I think I'd best go home.
Don't even think about it.
Magnifico the Magnificent does not serve on JURIES! (claps) Excused.
I'm sorry ma'am, but being pregnant does not excuse you from jury duty.
No, your honor, I--ooh! I'm actually in the process of --whoa! That was a big one-- giving birth right now.
You're excused.
Please name the child after me.
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth.
And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens.
Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison! I'm just happy to be of service to my community.
By the way, that's Olaf.
He doesn't speak any English.
Then how do you know what his name is? Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish.
Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror.
He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
I'm tunneling out.
Don't go yet, bro-face.
They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
(clang) Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
Has the jury selected a foreman? We have, your honor.
It's me.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! (clapping) (elise sighs) (whisper-yelling) CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly But sadly, no clean clothes.
(clank clank) Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings? Uh, the second one? I'll just wait out here, then Please bring in the defendant.
Look at that weasel! Guilty! (gavels) Order! You are accused of stealing a wrecking ball and destroying the Burger Bonanza restaurant.
The place across the street from Ninja Dave's I hate those guys.
They never give you enough ketchup.
The charges state that this was the result of an argument about the amount of ketchup you received at the drive-through? Right on, brother.
Do you wish to change your plea? Still not guilty, your honor.
I said not guilty, right? He's more than not guilty.
He's a hero.
Wow.
Hero.
We have a civic duty to perform, whatever your name is.
To make sure that man goes free.
While it is true that my client was hauled away from the establishment screaming "I swear I will destroy this place" and yes, the place WAS in fact, destroyed later that night.
But I think that's probably coincidence.
I've got to get on that jury.
I need your long, spindly arms.
Take them.
And do with them as you will.
Well done.
Now, we just (thud) Oh, dude, poor Olaf, he just knocked himself out! Perfect.
Cover him in cedar shavings.
Then you hide, too.
Also, I need his underwear.
Just got to take out one juror But which one? Goodnight, Elise.
(crack and a whimper) Drat! Uh Your honor? I think this juror needs medical attention.
Please bring one of the alternates to the jury box.
Who, me? This is more like it.
Hey! Nothing.
There we go Come to papa Ahh! Oof! Heavy! It's vital that we find my expert witness as soon as possible! We know he checked in, but we don't know where he went.
I'm told he's a big guy in an orange shirt.
Should be easy to spot, right? Hey, could you guys help me out here? There you are, Olaf! Uh, what? What were you doing trapped under this vending machine? I was hungry.
Well let's go.
Trial's in an hour.
We need to prep you, talk about your testimony I think you're mistaking-- Come on, it's chili dog day in the cafeteria.
I'm buying.
Okay.
So you're from Denmark? Yes I am.
In your opinion, Officer- Ahh! Ow! This guy's terrible! The lawyers on TV never trip over their own feet! Well, he doesn't have a lot to work with.
It's pretty clear the guy's guilty.
Don't say that! Keep hope alive! Where am I? So, Doctor Magnussen Please, call me Olaf.
Can you tell me, in your expert opinion, whether my client's factory could have caused such widespread environmental damage? When I describe the effect of flow pollutants, it helps to think of the environment as a big slice of meatloaf That was fantastic! The way you related it in terms the jury could understand Thank you! Thank YOU for the chili dogs.
Do you have any other areas of expertise? My firm always needs reliable expert witnesses.
Why don't we discuss it over some lobster bisque? You're buying.
And, I think that's about it.
So, defense rests, I think I did a pretty good job.
Your honor, I object! Dan? What are you doing? This guy sucks! He didn't do any of the things lawyers do on TV! He didn't yell at anyone, he didn't reveal any shocking, heretofore unforeseen details about the witnesses He didn't even spin on his heel dramatically! You are aware that this is not a court drama on television? Of course! But television is based on real life.
And I've watched enough TV to know a lousy lawyer when I see one! Now that we've heard the concluding arguments, I hereby release the jury to the deliberation room.
You, I will see in my chambers.
A little disappointed in our legal system? Well, yeah! I was expecting a bunch of "Isn't it true?" And "If that IS your real name!" That's why I got into law.
They don't tell you until third year that that never happens.
There wasn't even a last-minute hail mary in which new evidence was introduced! Yeah, turns out that's actually not legal.
But- but-! Look, Dan? What I need you to do is go into the deliberation room and discuss the case you heard.
Can you do that for me? I guess.
May I collect my thoughts for a moment? Of course.
Take your time.
Now, when we talk about "reasonable doubt, let's really think about what's reason a-- BAM! It's all right everybody, I'm here now.
You can stop listening to Elise.
What are you wearing? These old things? Oh, the judge gave them to me.
Because I'm the new Juror-in-Chief.
There's no such thing.
Isn't there? Then why did he give me his gavel? You obviously stole-- (banging the gavel) You are out of order! Don't make me hold you in any more contempt than I already do.
I'm out of what?! As Juror-in-Chief, I command you to sit quietly while the grown-ups talk.
As my mother used to say, you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.
You better do what he says.
He has the gavel.
Jurors don't have gavels! BANG! BANG! I beg to differ.
Elise, please.
Sit down.
You're causing a disruption.
I don't believe this.
Thank you.
Now, the judge has asked me to convey the following message: We are to disregard all the testimony we've heard so far.
Really? All of it? Absolutely.
And he asked that we find the defendant innocent on all counts.
Dan! Well, if the judge said so He didn't say so! Dan's lying! But he has the robes.
When's the last time you saw a judge in a powdered wig? 1812? Let's take a vote.
All in favor of acquittal? Good, then it's unanimous.
No it's not! Why are you being so difficult, Elise? Whose pocket are you in? I will come around this table and smack you so hard Mr.
Mumbles will feel it.
Isn't it true that someone tried to bribe you this very morning!? Yes, Dan.
YOU offered me ten dollars to throw the case.
The answer's still no.
Maybe this will change your mind.
(dan o.
s.
) Hey! Give that back! Elise stole your gavel, your honor.
I tried to stop her.
As your new jury foreman, it behooves me to tell you that I haven't been paying attention, like, at all this whole time.
So, what's been happening? Tell me.
I blame you.
Can't believe I'm stuck here with stupid Elise for a neighbor.
(chokes, sputtering coughing) Dan, are you okay? Not that I care too much.
Neighbor! Well, it's nicer than what you usually call me.
No! I just realized something! Can you get us out of this cage? Sure.
Then hurry up and do it! I'll explain in the car.
Why exactly would I help you? Elise, I'm sorry I snapped at you.
You're a good person and you have excellent taste in footwear.
Buttering me up won't work.
How about begging? Please? Please.
Please Please Please Please! Okay, okay.
Stop it! Help me dig to the bottom of the cage.
Uh Did you know there's a dead guy in here? He's not dead, he's just Danish.
How's my expert witness feeling? Great! At first I was doing this for the food, but you know, I really enjoy being asked my opinion about important issues.
Yes, I am an expert in child psychology/ My field is particle physics/ Neuroscience/ Animal husbandry.
What's that? Laser torch.
It doesn't set off metal detectors.
I had to leave most of my good stuff in the car.
We're through.
So where are we going? Ninja Dave's.
If you've talked me into breaking out of the courthouse for a cookie run, so help me It's not like that! though I do suggest we get some cookies while we're there.
It's easiest to think of the space time continuum as if it were a big plate of nachos Uh, you're our expert in child psychology Right.
That's also like a big plate of nachos.
Only smaller.
For children.
That was terrible! I'm sorry, I got confused! You are fired! Best job I ever had Chris, there you are! Hey, guys.
There's no time for small talk.
We have to get this tape into the courtroom and stop an innocent man from going to jail! You sure you don't want to review it first? There's no time! There was time to stop for a hamburger.
Do you have a point? Has the jury reached a verdict? We have, o Rumpole of the Bailey.
We find the defendant-- Stop right there! (gasps) If it may please the court, I would like to call someone to the stand.
Your honor, I object.
The trial is over.
I"m tired.
And isn't this one of our jurors?! Overruled.
I want to see where this goes.
Thank you, your honor.
I call You! (more gasps) Isn't it true, sir, that you are a terrible lawyer? I object! Overruled! Your honor?! I'll allow it.
You are terrible.
Do you know what is across the street from Burger Bonanza? Uh No.
It's Ninja Dave's cookie shop.
And were you aware, Mr.
Public Defender, if that is your real name, that Ninja Dave recently added video surveillance to his security system? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, here is the security tape from the night in question.
Now we'll see who the real culprit is! Ah, ha! You see?! It's Oh.
(chris o.
s.
) It's Dan! Huh I guess I forgot about doing that.
Bailiff, take this man into custody.
The defendant is free to go.
Hey, not so tight! Well, that has to be a first.
We were totally gonna find the guy "Not Guilty" anyway Don't worry about me, guys.
Now that I know how a jury works, I'll be back on the street in no time.
If you need an expert witness (door slams)