DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

Helen Hunt

1 I'm only hoping that the polymer I constructed is strong enough to transfer your half from you to him.
Well, a little too much "should" and "hoping" for my comfort, but then What is science if not the exploration of the unknown? Ray, I'm telling you right now, if you kill me, I'm gonna haunt you forever.
Well, just remember, this was your idea.
If you guys are getting cold feet, - we can call the whole thing off.
- Absolutely not.
We proceed with courage and confidence.
It's time for Jefferson to claim the power of Firestorm for himself.
I appreciate that, man.
But come on, admit it, you're gonna miss this a little.
- I mean, being a superhero, saving time.
- Not at all.
Were it not for this affliction, my adventuring days would be long behind me by now.
Time travel is a young man's game.
I'm eager to close this chapter and embrace the next.
Well, let's set this old man free.
Uh, Ray, let's do it.
All right.
Here goes.
Hey, what's what's going on? The system seems to be overheating.
There's too much power.
Shut shut it down quickly.
Marty, you okay? A little bruised, Doctor Palmer, but I'll live.
- Wait, what? - [GROANS.]
Everything hurts.
Whoa! Look at my hands.
They're white.
And mine appear to be African-American.
You can just say "black," Grey.
BOTH: You're me, and I'm you? Oh, pancakes.
Attention, Legends.
Captain Lance requests that all personnel report to the bridge immediately.
I guess we know where the explosion came from.
- What happened? - Yes.
Pray tell, Dr.
What exactly happened to us? Because it seems we are in a particularly precarious situation that I, for one, have no idea how to remedy.
- Why don't we just merge? - Out of the question.
Absolutely not.
We have switched bodies.
Who knows what else may have shifted? Merging now could cause a meltdown of insurmountable proportions.
We just we just can't afford the risk.
You're the Professor, and you're Jax.
Must be Tuesday.
What's going on? Well, we seem to have a bit of a "Freaky Friday" situation.
- I'm Jax.
- And I'm Martin.
- So this is why we've been summoned? - No, actually.
- Okay.
- Tell them.
1937, Hollywood, California.
A beautiful woman mysteriously appeared and threw the entire film industry into chaos.
She apparently was so beautiful that both Warner Brothers and K&G Pictures went to war over her, and it got ugly, fast.
Literal backs were stabbed.
People died.
Those Hollywood idiots probably had it coming.
Maybe, but this wasn't supposed to happen, so we are going to fix it.
It will be a nice, easy mission, and we'll get our mojo back.
Awesome, maybe now I might actually get to meet some celebrities.
And how would you even know? The oldest movie you've ever watched is some ridiculous farce called "Police Academy.
" Don't knock the "Academy," Grey.
Doesn't matter because you two are a liability like this, and you are staying on the ship.
- Wait, what? - Oh, fantastic.
Gideon, plot a course for Tinseltown.
- You're sad.
Paris has gone off to fight Menelaus.
He may die.
How could you live with yourself if you lost him? [SOBS SOFTLY.]
Cut! That was aces! Check the gate.
Moving on.
- All right, everybody.
You heard the man.
Got a movie to make.
- Let's go, people! - I got eyes on her.
All right, remember, We're doing recon only.
Nobody moves on her.
Let's see what we're dealing with.
What can you tell us? She's really, really pretty.
She looks familiar, like I've seen her somewhere.
I'm sure she's never heard that one before.
The gossip I'm hearing is that this woman is seriously Method.
She hasn't broken character since she got here.
I'm going in.
- Maybe I can talk to her.
- Negative.
Recon only.
I don't want to spook her.
She's out of her time.
I am so sorry, miss.
- Are you all right? - It's nothing.
I'm fine.
Hey, watch what you're doing.
You almost took her head off.
- Are you okay? - Yes, it's really nothing.
- Hey! - Get lost, you twit.
- I asked the lady a question.
- She doesn't want to talk to you.
Oh, try stopping me, tough guy.
That escalated quickly.
W what's going on? - [MEN GRUNTING.]
- There's only one woman in history who has this effect on men.
She really is Helen of Troy.
- She's on the move.
- Follow her.
What's she doing now? She's alone now.
She looks upset.
What are we waiting for? Let's grab her.
A kidnapping in broad daylight? Even we shouldn't be so careless.
Jack I mean Martin is right.
We have to wait.
What the hell is going on here? Where's Helen? Well, find her! Now! Z, you got incoming.
Studio boss is looking for his new face.
Yeah, so is someone else My, oh, my Now, the rumors I've been hearing could not do you justice.
You really are something special.
The name's Eddie.
- Eddie Rothberg, K&G Pictures.
- I'm Helen.
That's right, honey.
Don't do it.
Someone taught you not to get into cars with strangers, right? Hop in.
Or not.
Helen! Wait! Stop! Rothberg, you son of a bitch! I'll kill you myself, you rat bastard! [GUNSHOTS.]
Aah! - Did that just happen? - [SIGHS.]
"Paris stole Helen from Menelaus.
And the war began " I thought the Helen of Troy story was just a myth.
Well, we've found that myths tend to have some truth about them this one more than most.
Helen and her lover, Paris, set off a ten-year war that launched thousands of ships and sent tens of thousands of men off to their death, all in the name of her beauty.
You make it sound like it's her fault.
Men always find a reason to fight.
- That's not on her.
- Depends.
- How hot is she? - I mean, she's all right.
She's really hot.
- Seems kind of little league, right? I mean, what's the big deal if this chick gets to make a bunch of movies? What's the big deal? Helen is taking over the classics like an infestation.
What's what's "Casablanca" without Ingrid Bergman? The "Philadelphia Story" without Katherine Hepburn? It's it's inconceivable.
And now this upstart steals the career-making role of Hedy LaMarr my boyhood crush.
Sorry, I'm still adjusting.
Look I've seen the chaos that she causes with my own eyes.
We need to get Helen out of the movie business before anybody else gets hurt.
Gideon, where's Helen now? I checked the tabloid archives, and it so happens Edward Rothberg of K&G Pictures is throwing a gala this afternoon to show off his latest star.
Which would be the one and only Helen of Troy.
Well, everybody go put your best digs on because we are going to save Hollywood.
Yeah - until the Kardashians destroy it.
Finally, a positive side effect to our predicament.
I'm absolutely giddy at the notion of attending a 1930s Hollywood gala.
Maybe I'll rub elbows with Clark Gable or dance with Ginger Rogers.
You have a little extra fun for me, Grey.
I'm sitting this one out.
- W why? What's what's wrong? - I'm wasted, man.
My joints ache.
I feel like I'm walking under water, and I have to use the bathroom, like, all the time.
I assure you, the moment we get Helen back to her proper time, we will fix this.
Damn, I look good.
What's wrong? Are you all right? Can we please go back in time and murder whoever invented stockings? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Any sign of Helen? - No.
But Ray's becoming friends with Cecil B.
That is one remarkable mug, young man.
And you've never been in a picture? Uh, no, not that I recall.
Well, I'm shooting one next month.
Cary Grant backed out, but this profile of yours - might just have him outdone.
- Huh.
Stick with me, and they'll be saying "Cary who?" Ray is ready for his close-up, Mr.
- There she is.
- You found Helen? No.
Hedy LaMarr.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
Not only is she a talented actress, but she is a genius.
Brilliant and beautiful.
- I'd do her.
- Trust you, Mr.
Rory, to take something precious and debase it.
She's also an inventor.
Her patent on frequency hopping alone revolutionized the world.
Tuck in your shirt.
Uh, I just wanted to say I am one of your biggest admirers.
You are a remarkable actress.
How would you know? I haven't acted in any American films.
Now I probably never will.
I came here today to take one last shot at making my dreams come true and meet Mr.
But the closest I'll get to Mr.
DeMille is transferring his calls at Warner Brothers.
"Operator, how may I direct your call?" But surely someone with your talent will find work as an actress.
Tough luck finding work when she's in the room.
Any girl can look glamorous.
She just has to stand still and look stupid.
Is everyone in position? - [APPLAUSE.]
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Sandwich? - Uh, no.
Ray? Nate? Rory? Holy Helen of Troy.
That spells hot.
Guys, snap out of it.
We got a job to do.
Hey, check out her security detail.
- The woman's a prisoner.
- Not for long.
We just need to get her alone.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Please excuse me.
- Of course.
Ray, suit up and meet us at the balcony for extraction.
Helen, you have to come with us.
You don't belong here, and you know it.
You must be from Warner Brothers.
Tell Arnold that I'm sorry, but I left him for a better opportunity.
Oh, you actually are a good actress.
Yeah, I hear they have a decent theater scene in Troy.
We should go check it out.
No, the Gods have answered my prayers by bringing me here.
This place is strange, but I'm learning its rules.
And the first rule of Hollywood is never discuss business without your agent present.
I guess she's not just a pretty face.
Everybody get ready to move.
We got to go fast.
Helen, darling, why don't you run along and find Mr.
Rothberg? [CHUCKLES.]
- What the hell are you doing here? - Aside from collecting my 15%? You're her agent.
You know that I have the killer instinct that this job requires.
I didn't come here to fight.
I came to talk.
And I didn't come alone.
If you don't take me up on my offer for parlay, things could get ugly for you, your team, and Hollywood's elite.
All right.
Everybody stand down.
Darhk and I have some catching up to do.
Thank you.
Don't worry.
Poison is a coward's weapon.
And our conflict is at a brief standstill.
You're from Zambesi? And your powers Where do they come from? I would have thought you would have been able to sense one of your own.
You're a totem bearer.
You wanted to talk, so talk.
You know for someone who died, you don't appreciate the simple things in life.
Me? I'm a changed man, which is why I'm trying to do this the civilized way.
- Do what? - Convince you and your friends to pack up and ship out.
You want Helen to stay.
What can I say? Anachronisms are good for business.
- You wield the Water Totem.
- In a matter of speaking.
- The totem is now part of me.
- And you've perverted it.
Totem bearers must protect the innocent, not use it for selfish gain.
You dare lecture me on selfishness? You're the one who's turned her back on her own people in favor of these bungling idiots.
You know nothing about me.
You really do look lovely.
That color always suited you.
- So are you an actor? - Yes, um Well, maybe.
My name's Ray.
- And - Haircut! It's time to leave.
Didn't you hear us on the comms? No, my my comms aren't working.
Um, just ignore them.
They're being rude.
Let's get back to our private conversation.
What are you doing? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- Get your mitts off me! Unhand the lady! [PEOPLE SCREAM.]
Are you all right? I am now.
How convenient.
Here I was, thinking I was going to have to convince you what a mess your team makes of things and that you'd all be better off if you just went back to your old lives which brings me to my offer.
I will let you all walk Unharmed, if you all leave now and go back to 2017.
Or what? Or I will kill your merry band of idiots one-by-one, saving you for last.
And then you will die knowing you could have saved them all if you'd only made the right choice.
- What were you guys thinking? - They weren't.
Like every man in the room, they were just captivated by Helen.
Okay, in our defense, she was very, very, very very attractive.
Yeah, I was just admiring her personality.
So you jackasses decided to impress her by having a fight? - Wha Mick started it.
- All right, enough finger pointing.
- We need to focus on the real issue here.
- Damien Darhk.
Wait, Darhk was there, and you're still alive? He didn't want to fight.
He wanted to talk.
And he made us an "offer.
" We stop doing what we're doing.
No more Waverider.
No more fixing Anachronisms.
Wait, what does Darhk care if we fix Anachronisms or not? I don't know.
We didn't have time to get into his evil agenda.
Well, we've seen what Darhk can do.
Can we even fight him? Yeah, especially now that he's walking - with the time caddy and the water witch.
- She's not a witch.
Her name is Kuasa.
And she possesses one of the lost totems of Zambesi.
- Kuasa - Darhk massacred those Time Bureau agents in Victorian London without even batting an eyelid.
What if we can't take them? This might be our best offer.
You don't offer a deal unless you want something in return.
Besides, if he lets us walk, he's just going to take us out one by one.
That's right.
We're stronger together.
We know that.
Darhk knows that.
All right.
Let's get Helen on the ship.
After that party, you three are grounded.
And I need you and the professor to figure out why our comms aren't working.
- You mean me and the professor? - Whatever.
Uh, Amaya What's up? Um, I just wanted to wish you guys, uh, good luck out there.
Thank you.
Not too shabby.
As far as prisons go.
It's the same security detail from the party.
I guess Helen's still inside.
You really think they'll fall for this stunt? Have men gotten smarter in the past few thousand years? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Nope.
Dude, this is impossible.
I can barely get my hands inside this console, let alone handle the wiring.
How am I supposed to fix something if my fingers don't work? It's called arthritis.
And just so you know, I don't enjoy being inside you any more than you enjoy being inside me.
- What did I - Don't be so puerile.
- Come on, Grey! Don't pretend like you weren't having the time of your life at that party.
I don't catch your meaning.
Telepathic link.
Let's just say I can tell if you weren't married, you and Ms.
LaMarr would be doing the nasty in the past-y.
Nasty in the I'll have you know that Ms.
LaMarr is my hall pass.
Clarissa gave you a freebie? It was her idea.
Something to spice up our marriage.
She picked Jean-Claude Van Damme, and thinking the whole exercise ridiculous, I chose Hedy LaMarr, never thinking I'd actually get the chance.
Why, 'cause she's dead? She's not dead here, you dog.
No deliveries tonight.
Really? 'Cause I got Mr.
Rothberg's prized horse back there.
Nothin' here about no horse.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
Just gonna need to check the back.
Oh, you mean his prize whores.
- Did he just call us - Yeah.
- Please don't scream.
- [GASPS.]
She said "please.
" You gonna behave? Please don't take me away.
I'm sorry, but this isn't your home, Helen.
Do you have any idea what it's like on the plains of Troy? This land of Hollywood is far from perfect, but at least men aren't killing one another in my name.
Not yet anyway.
We got incoming.
- Rothberg! You think you can poach my talent, you no good son of a bitch! I dare you to come at me, you dumb bastard! Why does this always happen? I truly am cursed.
Hey, this isn't your fault, but you can make it stop.
Come with us.
Ugh, we can't let those idiots kill each other.
Protect them.
I'll get Helen out of here.
Hey! What do you think you're doing with Rothberg's girl? Just renegotiating her deal.
Great Zeus.
They're warriors.
Sorry, fellas.
Your new starlet decided she's better off a free agent.
This vessel it's remarkable.
Wait till you see her fly.
Gideon, show her what you can do.
Gideon? What's going on? Gideon? Have you figured it out yet? Socket wrench, Grey.
Does this look like a socket wrench to you? I specialize in subatomic particles, not - hand tools.
- That's obvious.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Comms weren't the only thing affected.
Half the ship's systems are down Aw, crap.
Please tell me we're not stuck in 1937.
Gideon and other vital systems are offline.
How is that even possible? Could be Damien Darhk.
What better way to catch us than to shut down the Waverider? It's like parts of the ship are straight-up vanishing.
Of course they are, Jefferson, because in this version of history, those technologies no longer exist.
Wait, what are you talking about Jax? I mean Marty.
Can't you see? This is all because of Hedy LaMarr.
As you know, Dr.
Palmer, technological advances are cumulative.
They build over time, and it seems her patent Is the backbone for half the Waverider's systems.
And without it, we're essentially, well Screwed.
Where's Hedy now? She said she was starting a new job as an operator for Warner Brothers.
Shouldn't be hard to get her re-signed with Mr.
Coleson - now that his "It girl" is gone.
- Where are you going? To get Ms.
LaMarr's career back on track.
You better not just be calling in your hall pass, Grey.
I don't want to overstep, but may I ask What Gods gave you such incredible powers? Uh, the Gods didn't give us powers.
Well, maybe they kind of did for Amaya and me, but the captain's a self-made woman.
Sara trains every day.
She's a total badass.
- She's a captain, too? - Yeah.
It gives me hope knowing that you come from a time where women have the same opportunities as men.
Yeah, I wouldn't say that.
Anywhere must be better than where I came from.
I spent the last five years alone, locked up in a tower.
My only view was a distant battle waging below men killing each other.
For what? Me? And now you want to send me back to that hellish place.
- Warner Brothers, how may I direct your call? Warner Brothers, please hold.
How may I help you? One moment, please.
- What are you doing here? - Mr.
Coleson is in the commissary.
You have to talk to him and get your contract back.
- Why do you care so much? - [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Warner Brothers, how may I direct your call? Warner Brothers, how may I direct your call? There must be a better way of switching signals.
There is.
You're meant for better things.
You have no idea the adventures you'll miss out on - if you don't follow me out that door.
- You're crazy.
Sometimes you have to be if you want to burn bright.
Oh, no.
This is our lucky day.
Wait, you're that talent agent from the party.
- Ms.
Oh, I assure you I am something far more ruthless than a Hollywood agent.
If that's possible.
Okay, I didn't actually think you'd take me up on my offer, but after my warning, I thought you people would at least use the buddy system.
But here you are, all alone, without your better half to give you at least a fighting chance.
You and your insufferable pontificating Wait, wait, wait, excuse me.
Either someone got themselves a thesaurus, or [WHOOSHING.]
He isn't who he appears to be.
He's the old one.
No, no.
You guys switched bodies.
Oh, that is rich.
- You need a minute? - No, I'm good.
I'm good.
Let's kill them.
Grey's scared to death.
I can feel it.
Darhk must have found him.
- We're going in.
- I'm coming with you.
You sure you're up for this, Jax? - Save Grey? Damn right I am.
- You may want to pee first.
We're not gonna stop to help you find a bathroom.
Good point.
Me too.
Just don't make it a deuce, Mick.
Yeah, and if you do, flush.
What did he mean about your other half? - Are you married? - Oh, you mean Jefferson.
Yes, I suppose in a way we are married, too.
- It's hard to explain.
- You're a homosexual.
No, I'm one half of a nuclear-powered superhero except the two of us accidentally switched bodies.
They're here.
- I can feel them.
- Hide, hide.
What is going on? The captain asked us to keep you safe until the ship's fixed.
And the only way we can do that is by saving Hedy LaMarr.
I don't understand any of this.
That's okay.
Time travel is It's very, very confusing.
With the power out, we're going to have to lock the outside doors manually.
- Right.
- You're leaving me on my own? Defenseless? Here.
Now you're not defenseless.
It appears they have us boxed in.
- On my signal, run.
- W what about you? Look, just focus on getting yourself to safety and don't give up on your dream.
Oh, goodie.
The cavalry has arrived.
Oh, how I missed those whimsical outfits of yours.
Your beef is with me, Damien.
So let's fight.
You and me League style.
Two swords zero magic.
A duel.
How quaint.
- Grey! - But you do realize I don't need magic to kill you.
Funny that's what Oliver Queen said right before he killed you.
Foolish girl.
I extended my hand to you in kindness.
- Now you've left me no choice.
Let her go.
If it isn't the great protectress.
Whatever you're doing, don't.
Bring it.
- What the - [DISTANT GRUNTING.]
- Grey, Grey, you all right? - [GRUNTS.]
I'll live.
It seems your body's youthful resilience has its advantages.
- Hedy, I told you to run.
- And I didn't listen.
You must be his other half.
You two need to use your powers.
We can't.
It could cause a catastrophic nuclear reaction.
Everybody could die.
I got this.
You have to become the Nuclear Man.
It's Firestorm, not Nuclear Man, and we'd have to be crazy to attempt a "Freaky Friday" merge.
Yes, but yours could be the case of quantum entanglement, which means the particles in your body are mirrored by those of your atomic companion, which also means That if we merge, we could still maintain a stable nuclear reaction.
Sometimes you have to be crazy if you wish to burn bright.
What do you say, Jefferson? Not bad.
- You want those to be your last words? - [CHUCKLES.]
We agreed no magic.
Oh, no, I agreed that I wouldn't use my magic.
I couldn't make that same promise for her.
That's the thing about daughters.
When they see you die at the hands of one self-righteous hero, they really don't want to see it happen again.
Your daughter? The apple of my eye.
This is the famous White Canary? Hmm.
Bye-bye, birdie.
That's what I'm talking about, Grey! Come on, drive her back, Grey! Jefferson, I don't think I can do this.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm an old man.
Yeah, true, but you got this, Grey.
Come on, Grey! Let's get them, baby! Nora, darling, I think it's time we take our leave.
Please tell me Firestein's a thing.
- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? I have to pee.
- And I do not.
- You did it.
You're a genius.
Forming Firestorm has restored us to our rightful bodies.
Guys! Guys, we've got to get her back to the ship.
You're a disgrace to every totem bearer who's come before you.
- You have no right to wield its power.
- I have every right - to this totem and yours.
- This totem is my family's.
- Only my blood may bear it.
- And they do.
You gave it to your daughter, and she was supposed to give it to me.
But instead, it rests on my little sister's throat.
- That's impossible.
- That I am your granddaughter? What do you know of the future? I told you I couldn't kill you without killing myself.
But how? - [KNIFE PLUNGES.]
- Kuasa, wait.
I see great things for you, Ms.
LaMarr, and Warner Brothers.
It appears that went well.
Arnold wants me to star in his next film.
The man was so desperate after the Greek disaster, I was able to negotiate a pay bump out of the whole thing.
Brilliant and beautiful.
Thank you.
I couldn't have done that or survived without you.
Oh, it it was nothing, really.
Just doing our job setting history back on course.
- Can you guys hear me? - Loud and clear.
And the ship's purring like a kitten.
Okay, time to go.
Yes, we we must be off.
Well, good-bye.
I actually prefer older men.
Well, I'll be You old fox.
Come on, man.
How's Sara? Gideon has placed her in a coma so that she can heal fully.
We'll be without a captain for a few days, but thankfully she'll make it.
Um there's something I need to tell you.
It's something I shouldn't tell you, but it's something you should know.
That Kuasa is Mari's sister and my granddaughter.
- How'd you know? - She told me.
I never knew that she even existed.
I don't blame you for not saying anything.
You were just protecting the timeline.
I would have done the same thing.
Thank you for understanding.
I can tell you everything I know, but it it is more complicated than you think.
We are the protectors of history, not its editors.
So the less I know, the better.
- [GASPS.]
- Whoa, there, killer.
Oh, my gods.
I'm terribly sorry.
I got a bit carried away.
You're pretty good with that thing.
You should keep it.
But this belongs to your comrade.
Yeah, I think she'd be cool with you having it.
Any of those Trojans get handsy with you back home, you show 'em what's what.
Troy is hardly a home.
I don't want to return there.
How can you claim to be heroes, claim to do good in the world and yet force somebody back into a horrible existence? [SOLEMN MUSIC.]
According to the historical record, you disappeared halfway through the war, but that didn't affect the war itself.
So I found you a loophole.
Same time that you're from, just a different place.
Huh, I hacked history.
This isn't Troy.
Nope, it's an island full of warrior women.
It's cool, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Won't your comrades be mad at you? Yeah, yeah, they would be.
But they knew what they were getting when they brought me on.
Oh, thank you.
You've changed my destiny.
Best thing about this place No boys allowed.
You'll finally have some peace and quiet.
- -
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