DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

The Virgin Gary

1 Last season on "Legends of Tomorrow" We have the six totems, but you can't fight what you can't see.
What if the only way to kill Mallus is to let him out? - Guys, we did it! - My father's Time Stone.
He died to give you a second chance.
Don't waste it.
Whose brilliant idea was it to let an ancient demon out of his bloody cage? Well, you opened a door, love, and Mallus wasn't the only thing that got out.
REPORTER: The newest musical sensation to cross the Atlantic A group of young men from Liverpool who call themselves the Beatles have just arrived at JFK.
The Beatles.
That's B-E-A-T, because that's the way they keep the beat.
Hey, Z, if you had to sleep with one, which one would it be? How can you even tell them apart? Well, Paul's the cute one, George is the quiet one, there's Ringo Never met an Englishman I haven't wanted to punch in the face.
Relax, Mick, if it wasn't for the British Invasion, there would be no Rolling Stones, no Led Zep, no Black Sabbath.
- Black Sabbath.
- Yup.
Well, then we We need to protect these mopheads from whatever's - screwing up history.
- That's right, Mick.
So, Gideon sent us on a wild goose chase.
This event in history is playing out exactly as it should.
The British are coming! The British are coming! Interesting fact: the real Paul Revere didn't actually say Oh, my God, it's Paul Revere! - I got this.
- Who are you people? Where am I? Why are all those women screaming? And now for the midnight ride of Ray Revere.
Nate Revere to the rescue.
Now ring the alarm back in 1775.
I got a country to save, suckers! See ya back on the ship, Nate.
The British are coming! The British are coming! Whoo! [ENGINE WHOOSHING.]
Geez, who died? Oh, come on.
We just met the Beatles and saved Fourth of July.
No, it's cool; it's just all becoming I don't know.
Old hat.
Yeah, we did spend all of last night year returning displaced people to their proper place in history.
Four years doing the same old crap.
Yeah, I'm beginning to think Wally had the right idea Taking time off, clearing his head, traveling the world.
Speaking of the same old crap, isn't that what he did last year? Look, all I know is, Constantine promised us new, mysterious monsters, so where they all hiding? I'm confused.
We are all happy that there was only one dragon, right? We don't want to be fighting werewolves in the Alamo.
Well, it would be good for our ratings.
- What ratings? - Oh, you don't know? The Time Bureau rates all their employees.
But don't worry.
We have a few dedicated fans.
Yeah, Gary doesn't count.
Who gives a damn about Time Pig ratings? I want dragons.
What is wrong with you guys? Don't you get it? Constantine was wrong.
Our crazy plan to let Mallus out worked.
Finally, we're not screw-ups forced to clean up our own mess.
For once in our lives, we are actual heroes.
Captain, I'm receiving a communiqué from Director Sharpe.
ALL: Ooh! Put her on, Gideon.
Captain Lance, I would like you and your team to report to the Time Bureau immediately.
Copy that.
Gideon, set a course for Star City I'm not talking about our field office, Miss Lance.
I meant our Time Bureau Headquarters in D.
Over and out.
Dammit! Who told Ava about the dragon? [ENGINE ROARS.]
You sure that you can't tell us what all this is about? Oh, I'd love to, but the boss-lady will kill me.
- Talk.
I can't.
Director Sharpe said Whatever Ava threatened is nothing compared to what I'm about to do to you.
You told her about the dragon head, didn't you, Gary? - What? No.
- Did Constantine - get you to squeal? - I wish.
We looked; there are no more monsters.
- This isn't what you think.
- [SIGHS.]
Then what the hell is it? ALL: Surprise! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
On behalf of the Time Bureau, I would like to recognize Captain Lance and her crew for fixing the final Anachronism.
Congratulations! [CLICKS.]
What does that even mean? Well, it means that [CLEARS THROAT.]
Paul Revere was the final crack in the timeline.
You, my friends, fixed history.
- The same history we broke.
- Just take the win.
I don't want your stinking medal.
There's an open bar.
Where? Sorry, Sara, I know you don't like surprises, but I like this one.
Now I was thinking maybe you could give me a tour of the Headquarters, Director Sharpe.
Gee, I really wonder how she managed to escape from the Time Bureau.
Yeah I mean I mean, if I had to If I had to guess, I'd probably say that someone must have given Nora her dead father's Time Stone.
And furthermore, that someone must have done it in hopes that she would turn over a new leaf in life.
Sounds like that someone forgot about Nora's serious lack of ethics around a murder, for one But that someone must have had a really big heart to give her a second chance.
You're a good guy, Ray Palmer.
- Okay, I gotta go.
- No, no, no Yes, I gotta get back to the ship.
The Legends aren't used to being on furlough.
Come on, they will be fine for one night.
Besides, I was hoping that you and your team would be spending more time here in 2018.
But mostly, you know You, with me In this apartment.
Ava Sharpe.
Are you trying to make a kept woman out of me? [GASPS.]
What? No! I wouldn't dare.
I'm just saying that, you know, since you fixed all the Anachronisms maybe you wouldn't mind being kept, just part of the time.
It would be fun to come home to you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that was stupid.
You just got back into town, and here I am hitching the old U-Haul to the back of the Subaru.
- It was stupid.
No, no.
Hey, it wasn't that.
I'm I'm just thinking and I'm ready to take the next step.
I am ready to be a partially kept woman.
Come here.
Mm! Okay, so why don't you, uh, rustle us up another bottle of champagne, and let's make this thing official.
- That, I can do.
- Yeah? [CORK POPS.]
Hello, John.
You know, tonight really isn't a night for celebration, Sara.
The darkness, it's rising.
What are you doing? And what does that even mean? Mallus wasn't the only prisoner to escape when you decided to pull back the veil between our worlds.
And yet for the past five months, the Timeline has been quiet.
If you wanted to come and see me, all you had to do was ask.
Five months is a blink of an eye for an immortal monster.
Look, this is your bloody mess, Sara, so stop playing tiddlywinks with the missus and get ready for the fight that's coming.
What if this is who I am now? Really? [WHISTLES.]
This is who you are? Fuzzy throws and fluffy pink slippers? I like my pink fluffy slippers.
- Okay, reunion's over.
Time to go.
What am I looking at? The knuckle bones of a martyred saint, obviously.
They act as a divining rod able to detect the presence of beings not belonging to our world.
My team spent the last five months scouring the Timeline for another one of your mystical creatures.
You wanna know what we found? Nothing.
What the hell are you doing here? [BONES CLINK.]
Is everything all right? Yeah, everything is great.
- I was just telling Sara - About an exorcism that he has to do tomorrow in Georgetown.
It's really nothing you wanna hear before bedtime.
Come back again soon now, John.
Don't be shy about that doorbell.
I'll be seeing you around, Sharpie.
Should I be worried about your ex-lover breaking into my apartment, or Well, I thought that this was our apartment.
You are smooth.
Don't forget the bubbly.
Mick, what are you still doing here? Machine's still spinning, and I'm still standing.
You know what? Hook me up with one of those.
Now that we fixed our last Anachronism, it's only a matter of time before the Bureau puts us out to pasture, which blows, because being a Legend was the only thing I was good at.
Well, speak for yourself.
I was a great criminal.
At least we got these cool medals.
Actually, the medal has to remain top secret, because no one can know about time travel, so I'll just take these back now for safe-keeping What do you say you and I find some real action? Mick, I am 100% down.
Ooh! I'll come with.
I could have just called us an Uber.
You ready to steal something pretty? Um [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I could do some light theft.
What is this, spring break? I'm talking about a felony.
- Now get in! - You know what, Mick? If we're gonna rob a house, we really should make sure there's stuff in there worth stealing.
And I think I know just the neighborhood.
Mick, wait, wait, wait! You are so aggressive.
Why don't you look for a spare key? - Good spotting, pretty.
- Yeah.
I'm a real criminal mastermind.
Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.
You will do nothing of the sort.
Oh, Nate, it is so good to see you! What the hell is going on here? Um, Mick these are my parents.
I am Dorothy Heywood; you can call me Dot.
And uh, this is my dad, Hank.
Henry Heywood.
And I believe one of my great grandmother's silver candlesticks has found its way into your coat.
Oh, you have exquisite taste in silver, Mr.
Mick Rory, of the Central City Rorys.
We didn't mean to scare you, Mom.
I thought you'd be up by Martha's Vineyard this time of year.
Oh, we were! But your father just took a very exciting job at the Pentagon.
We'll we'll get going, right, Mick? - Good idea.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Rory, do you like sandwiches? Bet your ass, I do ma'am.
Wonderful, then, um, I'm gonna fix you boys a little midnight snack.
You too, Henry; you're one of the boys.
Gary, wake up! [GLASS CLANGING.]
I got a hunch there might be a monster loose in history.
Like the dragon you made me not tell Director Sharpe about? Exactly.
The Timeline's only showing a few burps.
This is the only significant one.
What if there's a creature that no one's noticed yet? The only way people wouldn't notice a monster is if it was hiding.
Or if they were on drugs.
I'm gonna go check it out.
- Ooh, I'll come with! - Nope.
But if you're going back to 1969, you're gonna need Your time courier.
Going somewhere, Raymond? And don't give me any of that routine maintenance on the jumpship crap.
Yeah, no.
I wouldn't do that.
I I had Gideon monitor the Time Bureau.
Someone over there pulled up unusual activity in Woodstock, - 1969.
- You think it's Nora, and if the Time Bureau finds her first, she's going to tell them you're the one who helped her escape.
Ray, I'm not going to let you get on that jumpship.
But - Not without me.
- Oh, good.
I was not looking forward to dealing with those hippies on my own.
I'm goin' up the country Baby, don't you wanna go? I'm goin' up the country Baby, don't you wanna go? I'm goin' to some place where I've never been before Give peace a chance.
Together, we can end the war in Vietnam.
Hey! Yeah, this place is groovy.
So, tell me, why would Nora Time Stone to the least - evil event in history? - Well, who knows? Maybe she's turning over a new, non-evil leaf, inspired by yours truly.
- All right.
- What is that? Oh, it's my old trusty Eagle Scout compass.
I thought we could locate the epicenter of the temporal disturbance the old-fashioned way.
- It sounds like a blast, Ray.
- Yeah! 197, 198, 199 Sorry, Ray.
Looks like Nora's in the wind.
What is that? [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
What is that? Ray! It's beautiful.
It's like some sort of magical pixie goo.
No, not that.
That! Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Why? Who would wanna kill hippies at Woodstock? Literally ripping people's hearts out! Now that's the Nora I remember.
You certainly can eat a lot of sandwiches, Mr.
Where did you get those big muscles? Prison.
What a hoot! Isn't he a hoot, Henry? He's a real barrel of laughs.
Excuse me.
So you just drop in on us in the middle of the night, after barely a phone call for the past two years? I know, Dad, I'm sorry.
- I've just been busy.
- Busy doing what? History stuff.
You know, the same stuff you never took seriously.
Maybe that's because deductive historical reconstruction isn't an actual profession! I'm sorry.
So should I have your mother just grab her checkbook now, or would you prefer your friend here swipe it out - of her purse on the way out? - It would be easy either way.
I don't want your money, dad.
Then, why are you here? Honestly, I don't know.
You don't We had a name for people like you, - back in my day - Oh.
Here comes the big rant about hippies, go ahead.
To tell the truth, I have nothing but pity for those people.
Yeah, since when? Since they were slaughtered like lambs back in '69.
Look, I'm not saying the Woodstock Massacre was their fault, but it wasn't not their fault either.
Mom, thanks for the sandwiches! Wha There's something wrong with history.
Not Noras.
Hi! Not Nora, not Nora definitely not Nora.
Ray, I really don't need to hear your inner dialogue.
Sorry, I'm just I'm I'm I'm nervous, and upset.
I mean, how could she be so heartless? Pun not intended.
Well, her father did give her over to a demon-loving cult so.
- Nora Darhk is here? - Sara? Hey, what are you doing at Woodstock? Probably the same thing as you are, looking for whatever is messing with history.
Huh, I think I just saw Joan Baez talking to Carlos Santana.
Woodstock - Turns into a massacre.
- Nate! You're here too? Yeah, buddy.
- Hey! - Okay, what is going on? Woodstock is no longer remembered as three days of peace and love, but instead, the end of the hippie movement.
Reports from survivors are sketchy at best.
But what they all could agree upon was there was a series of grisly murders that ultimately lead to a deadly stampede when 400,000 kids try to escape the festival at once.
Yeah, Ray and I just saw a body in the woods with a gaping hole in its chest.
We think that Nora did it.
- Well, that's a relief.
- It is? Yeah, it means we're in the clear.
Look, it's not our fault the Time Bureau let Nora escape.
Guys, come check this out.
Don't panic, I left Mick alone here.
He's itching to punch a hippie.
That's not good.
Is that what I think it is? Twilight Sparkle come to life.
You're a brony? Dude, we're brony bros.
- Mick, join the herd! - Outta my way.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Well, it's not a dragon, but it'll have to do.
Mick, hold on, it's not like it's hurting anyone.
We didn't screw things up for the better this year.
We screwed things up for the more magical.
It's beautiful! [DRAMATIC STING.]
Oh my God! [BODY THUDS.]
Oh my God! Is it Yup, yup.
It's eating her heart.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Mick, shoot it.
- Shoot it! [GRUNTING.]
Damn horse is fire-proof.
I hate glitter.
Seriously? - Where'd it go? - Okay, we can fix this before the Time Bureau even has to know about it.
Oh, really? Can we? Look, Ava still thinks of me as the woman who saved the world last year, and I don't want her to know that there's a whole new problem with history.
Yeah, that we basically created.
You go find the unicorn, and I'll go find Constantine.
Every time.
Somebody can't read bloody signs.
You don't know that there's a "do not disturb" sign on the bloody door? Sara.
Yeah, uh I can't talk right now, love.
I've got a threesome that's about to pop off in here with some contortionists.
You were right.
What was that now? You were right! There's a magical creature at Woodstock.
Now let's go! You know, for someone with a time traveling machine, you seem to be in an awful hurry.
John, the unicorn has already gored two hippies.
- A unicorn? - Yeah.
Well, all right, I'm in.
But first, I need to know, was any of your team musked by the beast? If that's what you're calling its sparkle-sauce, then, yeah.
Why? Oh, they're in for one hell of a ride.
Man, I wish my dad could see us now hunting a bloodthirsty creature through Woodstock.
What's the beef between you and your old man anyway? - He hit you? - No.
- Burn you? - Nope.
Did he dress up like a clown and scare the hell out of you? What the hell, Mick? No.
He was emotionally unavailable to me when I was growing up.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
To the whole world, my dad was this great larger-than-life guy, but to me, he was just cold.
Hank? What? I'm not your dad! Oh, so you're ashamed of me? I'm sorry I didn't follow in your footsteps and enlist.
But for your information, I had a medal pinned to my chest, only you don't have the clearance to see it! What's happening? What? Axl? [SQUEAKING.]
I'm getting something off my chest.
And you know what, Hank? It feels pretty good.
I just wish for once, you would tell me you're proud of me no matter what I do with my life.
You know what I'd say? I love you.
I love you too.
- Really? - I thought you were dead.
I thought you were dead on the inside.
I've been waiting for a long time Ray.
Ray, my hand is glowing.
- Can you see it? - No.
- It looks like your hand.
- No, no.
You gotta open your eyes, man.
It's all around us.
What is? Love.
Oh, those hippies had the right idea.
Woodstock is beautiful.
- What's wrong, Ray? - What? You were hoping to see Nora here.
You like her, Ray-Ray! No, no! I do not like Nora.
Uh-huh, because you love her.
No-o, no! The only reason I ever want to see Nora Darhk again is so that I can take the Time Stone back and I can lock her up in the Time Bureau.
Oh my God, she's here! [CHIMING.]
You know, a unicorn is no bloody joke.
You might want to get your ol' girlfriend on the blower.
You didn't tell Director Sharpe that you let all the monsters out to play, did you? Ava and I are in a great place right now.
Better than great.
In fact, she asked me to move in with her, and I said yes.
So, why rock the boat unless absolutely necessary? Because when the boat eventually tips, - you'll both bloody drown.
- Nice.
I'm just trying to look after you, love.
You and I are similar; we're both survivors.
But our survival comes at a terrible cost.
Look, you can take it from a man who's caused nothing but misery to everyone he's ever loved.
Trust me, end it with Ava before it's too late.
You ever think that you cause misery not because of some romantic "I was born to walk alone" crap, but because you're an ass who doesn't know how to trust people? You know, I trust that people around me get hurt, killed, or far, far worse You think that I'm not scared? That I don't know grief? I'm not willing to turn my back on life, because that is exactly what you're doing, John.
Our friends and family, they don't make us weaker; they make us stronger.
You know what you need? You need to be a part of a team.
You were saying? This is King Solomon's original grimoire The oldest magical textbook in existence.
Now, if there's a spell to quell our equine friend, it'll be in here.
Well, not to pressure you, but the entire fate of the sexual revolution is in the balance here.
It is my favorite revolution.
- John! Welcome aboard.
- Hey, Ray big-man! Glad to see you're all back from the land of milk - and honey.
- I'm still a little fuzzy on how exactly we were Roofied by a horse.
That beast sprays a powerful mind-altering hallucinogen to disarm its prey.
Ah! "How to expel a magical creature from the mortal realm.
" Now the ingredients for this spell aren't so easy to come by.
Don't suppose any of you lot have the saliva from a nine-fingered man, now do you? You could chop off one of my pinkies.
No, Ray.
Don't be the Giving Tree.
Now, as every Deadhead knows, Jerry Garcia was missing most of his middle finger on his right hand from a wood chopping accident.
Cool, so how do we get his saliva? ["WHITE RABBIT" BY JEFFERSON AIRPLANE PLAYING.]
Jerry, my man! Can I get a hit of that? This doobie will make you fly.
Cool, cool.
- Spin-move! - Hey! Not cool.
We need the Protection Stone of a powerful shaman.
Watch it Go ask Alice When she's ten feet tall Brother.
And the lock of a doomed woman.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go Janis, this is This is quite the honor.
- Little robot man.
- Hi.
My mom is a huge fan.
Your mom? [LAUGHS.]
And for our final ingredient I think she'll know Quis virginem.
What? A virgin.
A virgin, at Woodstock? Ha! Good luck with that; this is the least celibate place in history.
Are you serious? Yeah, apparently virgins are like catnip to unicorns and we need one to volunteer.
Rory, do you see any virgins where you're at? - No.
- Oh, come to think of it I do know one virgin.
No, not a chance.
- This feels wrong.
- Well don't worry, we'll be watching from a short distance, and you'll be fine.
What am I supposed to do with the pomegranate? Oh, the unicorns, they can't get enough of them, mate.
Yeah that, and human hearts.
So, the pomegranate is the bait? Yeah, we wouldn't put an interim member of our team in jeopardy, right guys? I'm an interim Legend? Well, then.
Uh, one more question, are you sure that I'm a virgin because that thing we did Positive, mate.
Yoo-hoo! Mr.
Unicorn! Come get this nice, juicy, red pomegranate.
Admit it, this is fun working with a team.
Well if ol' Gary gets eaten alive, it only goes to prove my point: People who care about us die.
- What was that? - Oh, nothing mate.
You're golden, carry on, yeah? Oh, hold it up up a bit.
More! That's the money.
Come on, pretty pony.
Come on, come on.
Enjoy your snack.
Oh no, that's not pomegranate juice, is it? Guys? John, whatever you're gonna do, do it now! All right, here goes.
I don't wanna die a virgin! [TENSE MUSIC.]
Seriously, you're meditating right now? John, hurry! [MURMURING INCANTATIONS.]
Come on, John.
Help! Help! [SCREAMING.]
Gary, are you okay? - Just a scratch.
- Where'd the unicorn go? Sent that bastard straight to hell, didn't I? Yup, folks, that is some Grade A magic right there.
Maybe the Bureau will up our ratings.
People do love the supernatural.
Gary, you're like really bleeding.
Ah! The unicorn bit my nipple off! Hey, maybe Gideon can make you a new one.
Forget it, mate.
Come on, it's a badge of honor.
You see, my soul is heading straight to hell, but your nipple it just got there first, that's all.
It's like we're two birds of the same, dark feather.
Yeah, yeah, that's right, mate.
Come on, let's grab a beer.
All right? Now about this whole virgin situation.
Nathaniel I assumed you would have left town by now.
Yeah, I decided to stay a couple extra days.
Let me guess, you got fired from whatever online college you conned into hiring you.
Sweet burn, Hank, but um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was just wondering if you wanted to have a beer with me? We don't do that.
Maybe we should start.
Wow, you're looking a little glum there buddy.
Just, uh thinking about all the musicians who died after Woodstock.
Janis Joplin overdosed in 1970, sad and alone.
That's terrible, but this is obviously about Nora.
When I gave her the Time Stone, our hands touched, and I felt a spark.
Ray, Nora is Nora is like a unicorn, beautiful and dangerous.
She is going to eat you alive.
I guess she and I are doomed.
There's something I want to show you.
Come on.
I don't understand.
What are we doing here? That's my mom, and that's me.
We lived in D.
in 2018 before my brother was born.
It would be so easy, Ray to just walk over there and tell her to get her family and go to Canada before everything changes; before this country that she worked so hard to become a citizen of betrays her.
You'd be changing your future.
You'd never meet us, you'd never become a Legend.
Think of all the people you saved.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
There's no loophole where I can save my family, and not screw up history, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty every day that I have the power to change everything, and I do nothing.
I'm so sorry, Z.
Look at her, Ray.
How could anyone be afraid of her? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
- Hello! - Smells good in here.
Oh yeah, I, uh, burned the first chicken piccata, but I think I got the second one just right.
Those our medals? I wanted to remind you of all the good you did last year.
Yeah, we, um We weren't that good.
Would you stop being so hard on yourself, Sara? I'm proud of you.
When we freed Mallus, we accidentally released magical monsters into the world.
And I didn't want to tell you because I love the idea of us living together, and I didn't want to risk that or you thinking that maybe I wasn't such a screw-up.
I know.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
Gary was very proud about losing a nipple.
- But you cooked dinner - Yeah! Because I love you, you goober, and nothing is gonna change that.
Even after I went behind your back to work with Constantine to send a unicorn to hell? Okay, yeah, I wasn't so crazy about that part.
Let's not talk about Constantine.
I'm crazy about you.
Come here.
Stop being neurotic.
I don't think that you're a screw-up.
I think that you are a damn fine Captain, faced with some extraordinary circumstances.
God, I love you.
And I got a question.
- Do we - Mm-hmm.
You and I, think that maybe right now is not the best time for me to move in? You know that I want to; nothing would make me happier.
It's just I feel like I need to be out there.
- With my team.
- I understand.
But can you promise me that our relationship will continue to evolve, please? I want this You and me for real.
So do I.
We're gonna figure it out.
I haven't even asked you anything yet.
It's not even magic, love, it's deduction.
You need me to join the Legends, despite knowing that needing me always causes somebody trouble.
What is up with you? Something must have happened in the last five months.
You're more mierable than usual.
Look You and I are friends.
And I like friends.
Friends are useful, but roommates See, Sara, I would rather bloody top myself than move in with you lot.
See you around, John.
So long, Sara.
One pill makes you larger And another makes you small And the pill that Mother gives ya Don't do anything at all [GULPS.]
Ah, go ask Alice When she's ten feet - [ELECTRICITY WHIRRING.]
All right then, who are ya? Come on, who wants some? 'Cause I'm a nasty piece of work.
Get your bloody paws off me! [SCREAMING.]
Oh, bollocks.

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