DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

Wet Hot American Bummer

1 Previously on "Legend's of Tomorrow" Mallus wasn't the only prisoner to escape.
- Now there's magic.
- [NEIGHING.]
An unknown number of other dangerous magical beings got spat out across the timeline and now must be sent to hell.
She's a shapeshifter.
[CHANTING.]
- What did you do to me? - Lobotomy of sorts.
Your shapeshifting days are over, sweetheart.
No! She definitely isn't Amaya.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [BRANCH CRACKS.]
- Did you just hear that? Judy, relax.
There's nothing out here.
Tonight it's just you and me, okay? - [ROARING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Wait a second.
Don't tell me that the fearless Ms.
Lance is scared of a little horror film.
No, I love horror movies, and I watched them obsessively as a kid, so how could I have missed this gem? [GIGGLES.]
"Swamp Thaaaang.
" Never heard of it.
And what's with all the As? Okay, let me look.
Okay, "Swamp Thaaaang.
" Apparently there are four As in the name because it's the fourth film in the franchise.
The A.
V.
Club gave it a D-plus, saying, "The production design is as lazy as the action staging.
" - Harsh.
- Yeah.
"Based on real-life tragic events that occurred at Camp Ogawa, Maine, in the summer of 1995"? Gideon.
- We're in my room, babe.
- Right.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Speak of the devil.
Sorry to interrupt, Captain, but I've detected new magical events in the timeline.
It seems that a number of children went missing from a summer camp Let me guess.
Camp Ogawa, Maine.
Precisely.
Looks like the handiwork of one of our fugitives.
Shall I plot a course to 1995, then? And while you're at it, fabricate a mess of bug spray.
I'm on my way.
Well, how about that? We almost got to spend two whole uninterrupted hours together.
How about you come with me? Summer camp? As in bug bites, bunk beds, and mean girls? No, summer camp, as in camp fires, sing-alongs, and friendship bracelets.
Camp's the best.
You'll love it.
Pinkie swear.
What are you doing? [LAUGHS.]
It's something you do when you're a kid.
It's like a promise.
What? [CHUCKLES.]
Come on.
No, pinkie.
- Yes! - Weird.
This will be a great way for us to spend some more time together, and, plus, we get to make sure that doesn't happen in real life.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
I talked to Nate, and he's got things covered at the Bureau.
He and Gary have their hands full with all the magical creatures popping up.
Nate and Gary are in charge.
Well, anyways, I'm glad that he's there because we've got something I really don't want him to see.
What's that? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
Amaya.
- It just looks like her.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Did you say "it"? - She's a shapeshifter.
We found her in London, 1977.
Hmm.
Hello.
- Not much of a talker, I see.
- Oh, she talks.
Go to hell! Just her way of saying "hello.
" Oh, let me out of here, you bastards! She's still adjusting to her new home.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Maybe it's the food.
But Constantine sent the other fugitives you encountered to hell, so Well, she's not exactly a bloodthirsty unicorn.
Or an evil fairy godmother.
But you decided to keep the shapeshifter because? Oh.
To exploit her for information about the inter-dimensional prison that she's been trapped in to help us track down other fugitives.
That is exactly what we are doing.
100%.
Isn't that right, Zari? Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm I'm gathering that intel as we speak.
Hm.
I love the initiative, team.
Yeah.
Gentlemen.
Ooh, Director Sharpe.
Joining us, are we? - Is that a problem? - Not for me, love.
Good, because we are headed back to the '90s to infiltrate a place called Camp Ogawa.
Oh, sneaking into a military facility, are we? Actually, it's a summer camp for kids.
Oh, I loved summer camp.
Everyone used to call me, Kid Counselor.
Bet you took that as a compliment, too, didn't you, mate? Well, because of my leadership skills, obviously.
[CHUCKLING.]
Right? That's why.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
So, uh, any idea of what kind of foul beast we're up against, then? Well, based on research Sarah and I have been doing, we could be looking for a swampy monster thing.
According to the timeline, before the end of summer, several kids went missing, never to be seen again.
Well, I happen to know a Swamp Thing.
But then again, Maine is way too far North for that muppet.
Well, we used to use the buddy system to make sure everyone was safe.
And this is where Nate would say, "I'm your buddy," and we'd do a fist bump or a silly jig or Well, we are shorthanded, so I need you to partner up with John.
Oh, don't worry, dreamboat.
I've had stranger bedfellows than you.
But just so you know, I'm not one to get all gussied up for a gig, all right? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Oh, they may take my coat, but you will never take my Nope.
And lose the tie.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Fine.
One time, but it's only for the kids.
Yeah, that's the camp spirit.
Are these outfits really necessary? - Girl - Come on.
Gideon made us official Camp Ogawa counselor uniforms using archival photos so that we could fit in.
What are you guys doing just standing around? Hi, we are the new camp counselors.
Sorry to show up unannounced.
Well, Freckles, the name's Paula Cooper.
I'm the director here.
Welcome to Camp Ogawa.
My right-hand man, Chad Stephens, will show you around.
Chad! - Get over here.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
What's up? Chad, you marble cut of prime beef, give these new counselors the tour.
Cool.
All right, hey, let's bounce over this way.
I'll give you the 411 on this place, huh? Yeah.
What we need are snipers on that ridgeline, spotters on the ground, and an exfil site for when we bag the creature.
Not a bad plan, Sharpie.
I'll put a protection spell around my perimeter to keep out the nasties.
Best offense is a strong defense.
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
So, as you can see, Camp Ogawa is a miserable place, and Paula runs it like a POW camp.
- Not! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, God, not a '90s "not" joke.
It's like comic comfort food.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help but admire your lanyard.
Did you make that yourself? Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, along with 21 required merit badges, I also went on to get certification in nuclear science and dentistry.
Oh, snap.
I've got some serious competition for coolest counselor this summer, huh? - Ah - [CHUCKLES.]
What about you? You got any special skills? Martial arts.
Ah.
Hwah! [LAUGHS.]
Sorry, it's just so fresh.
It's like, Jackie Chan, you know? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
I prefer knives and swords.
Right, yeah.
Point taken.
- "Point taken.
" - Ha ha! Good one, bro.
Anyway, let's head over here, all right? I'm gonna assign you your cabins.
It's gonna be a heck of a summer.
Okay.
He'll grow on you.
Greetings, members of Newton Cabin I am Counselor Ray, and the mysterious gentleman behind you is Counselor John.
Cheers, lads.
Well, today's subject is wilderness survival, which includes tracking and orienteering.
Who's excited? Well, you will be, okay? Two words to remember when tracking "displacement" and "direction.
" Now, Counselor John will demonstrate the kind of inadvertent markers people leave behind while walking in the woods.
And Counselor John is missing already.
See how easy it is to get lost in the woods, gentlemen? - What's up, Franklin Cabin? - Whoo! - Yeah! - Yeah.
We are in the house.
I am Sara, and this is Ava.
We are your camp counselors.
Now, I was thinking, we need a secret handshake.
[TOGETHER.]
Yeah.
Something really cool that only we know.
- Yeah.
- So cool.
- What are you doing? - Bonding.
How is that supposed to keep them safe from what's in the woods? It allows us to form a meaningful connection and them to feel like they're part of a team.
They aren't gonna be a part of anything if they're dead.
- Ava.
- We can go back to the fun and games once we catch the creature, yes? [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, ladies change in plan.
Today we're going to celebrate your first day of camp by using safety and discipline, got it? Now, when I blow this whistle, you are to run not walk To your respective beds.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
But it's still daytime.
It will feel like nighttime when your eyes are closed.
Now move! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Very nice.
[MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- What are you doing? Oh, I'm creating a protective barrier to catch monsters.
- "Monsters"? - Yeah.
You know, the kind that slice your stomach open and eat your intestines for supper.
[SIGHS.]
Getting those kids to bed was a lot easier than I expected.
You know, I'm really glad I came.
I just feel bad we're ruining camp for these kids.
It's such an important time.
Well, I didn't realize you were so gung-ho about this whole camp thing.
I was even Color Captain one year.
Hmm? Summer after eighth grade.
I really stuck it to Suzy Smith and the Green Team that year.
- Sounds magical.
- It was.
Unfortunately, we're here to stop magic, my love.
Well, with us guarding their cabin and Constantine's perimeter, at least no Swampy Monster is getting into this camp tonight.
[ANIMAL SHRIEKS IN THE DISTANCE.]
Who's there? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Relax, Lenise.
It's just me.
Zack.
So what do you want to do? Have you ever kissed anyone before? [WHOOSHING.]
Zack? - [ROARING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[BUGLE PLAYING "REVEILLE".]
[SIGHS.]
Beautiful morning.
Yeah, sorry to burst your summer-loving bubble, mate, but we're missing one of our young charges.
His name is Zack or something.
[SNIFFS.]
Well, are you sure you counted right? Because based on your whiskey cologne, - I think you're still drunk.
- No, he's right.
Yeah, a girl is missing from our cabin, too, even after I put the fear of God in them.
Obviously, there's something wrong with Constantine's booby trap.
[SCOFFS.]
Are you off your trolley, mate? My spell was designed to keep the monsters from getting in, not children getting out.
They must have snuck out in the middle of the night.
Snuck out? Why would they sneak out? To make out, duh.
Well, I suppose we should notify the camp director.
Okay, guys, so Oh, don't worry about those kids.
They're gonna be just fine.
Uh, shouldn't we mount a search party or They couldn't have gotten too far.
Look, Freckles, this happens every year.
Kids under the influence of their hormones go off into the woods at night.
Just watch.
They'll eventually get hungry and tired, and they'll come back.
Now go out there and do some counseling.
Well, someone gives precisely zero craps about the safety of our campers.
I guarantee you one of these kids knows where the other two went.
How can you be so sure? Because when I was in camp, we used to hide stuff from the counselors all the time.
We just need to figure out how to get them to talk.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Circle of trust creates a safe space for us to share our secrets without judgment.
- [GROANS.]
- Now, take each other's hands.
- Now I want you - Yeah, sorry to butt in, lads.
But, uh, can I have a word with you for a second? [SIGHS.]
I want you to meditate on the word "openness," and I'll be right back.
You're interrup [CLEARS THROAT.]
You're interrupting the flow.
Yeah, well, apologies to you and your flow, but all of your psychobabble That ain't gonna cut the mustard with the young ones, mate.
Let me show you how it's done.
Right, then, which one of you whippersnappers wants to be hypnotized? [TOGETHER.]
Me, me, me, me! [BOYS CLAMORING.]
Alexis, you and Lenise are besties, right? We were partners in last year's talent show.
She didn't show up at roll call this morning.
I'm worried.
Do you know where she might have gone? All right, ladies, on your feet.
Report to the front of your bed, arms by your sides, now.
What is with the police lineup? This is summer camp, not boot camp, remember? You are too soft on these kids.
Children crave authority.
Besides, my way will be quicker.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
That's it.
Look at my watch.
Now, where did your mate Zack run off to last night? He didn't say.
But I hope he didn't go near the outdoor showers.
Why? What's by the outdoor showers? That's where I hid my Victoria's Secret catalog.
Ah.
Your friend Lenise snuck out of the cabin last night.
And no one's going anywhere until I find out where she went.
But the ice cream social is in, like, five minutes.
Well, then you better, like, start talking, Kiana, or you're gonna have to scrape the bottom of the carton for what's left.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Last night Zack said something about meeting someone in the woods.
Where in the woods exactly? A baseball field.
Only, there's no baseball field out there.
Well, that's all right.
Keep digging.
He kept talking about making it to first base with a girl.
But who plays baseball in the dark? She probably went to the same place your style went.
You could use a makeover, like, head to toe.
[CHARLIE SCREAMING.]
Ms.
Tomaz, the prisoner is growing quite unruly.
Tell her to knock herself out.
Aw.
I take that back.
[SIGHS.]
Damn it, not on my watch.
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoo! Ha ha! Okay, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
It's just that you're wearing my friend's face, and it's a little unsettling, given your general demeanor.
Look I didn't love it at first when I got here, but I found my place.
You can too.
Take a look in the mirror, sweetheart.
It's not my face that should be unsettling.
You're the one putting things in cages.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
So how many girls has the missus made cry so far, or have you lost count? Ava's interrogation techniques aren't going to work on them.
They'd rather take their secrets to the grave than squeal.
Anything with the boys? Oh, those boys aren't hiding a thing.
They're open books, if those books were written by hapless fools, that is.
If I could just become one of them, another 12-year-old camper, I could get these girls to talk like that.
I do believe that you've just sparked an idea there, Ms.
Lance.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
End of the road, kid.
[GUN COCKS, WHIRS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
In your cage.
Bloke like you doesn't strike me as a jailer.
I believe we're more alike than you think.
You look like you've been on the inside.
That's right.
And how do you sleep at night hanging out with these jailer mates of yours? Alcohol.
Oh, hey.
I made an additional list of suspects - I want to question.
- Ava Look, I know that you just want them to have fun, all right? But the fact of the matter is, there is a monster out there hunting down these kids, and these girls are stonewalling us, okay? Counselor Ava? Yes? I'm ready to tell you what's really going on.
Go on, honey.
Spill the beans.
It won't stop unless you do something.
What won't stop? The monster that lives under the dock the lake beast.
Who's the lake beast? Years ago, at this very camp, some mean kids played a prank on a boy, and he drowned in the lake.
And now every year he returns to get his revenge.
And so you think the lake beast took your friends? [BREATHES SHAKILY.]
They say the only way to make him appear is to go to the dock alone and call his name three times.
Sweetie, you are so brave, and I promise you, the lake beast won't be getting anyone tonight, okay? [ANIMAL SHRIEKS IN THE DISTANCE.]
Guys.
Guys, I think I see a Northern Saw-whet Owl.
Ray, focus.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
I'll save it for my bird-watching journal.
Okay, you're in the clear, Ava.
- [GASPS.]
- [WINGS FLUTTERING.]
Stupid bird.
Okay, let's get this over with.
[SIGHS.]
Lake Beast, Lake Beast, Lake Beast.
Hmm.
Guys, this feels like a bust to me.
[GASPS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Ah, it was just a bloody prank.
- Oh! - Go, go, go.
You okay? Nice night for a swim, though, eh, Sharpie? Those girls are monsters! [BUGLE PLAYING "REVEILLE".]
After we left the lake last night, another one of our campers went missing.
Another one of ours is missing, too.
That makes four in total.
They must have snuck out to meet up with each other and never made it back.
Yeah, well, I don't know about you lot, but I'm not just sitting around here waiting for the monster to go and get another kid.
We better split up.
All right, you two check the woods for the missing kids.
Ava and I We'll stay watch here.
Hey, wait, buddy system! I heard about last night.
It's majorly uncool.
Who knew kids could be so mean? They've been calling me Lake Beast behind my back all day.
- Excuse me, Lake Beast.
- And to my face.
Okay.
Hey, that is enough, ladies.
The joke is over.
It's time for you to behave, or else your cabin will be banned from the July Jamboree.
[GIRLS GIGGLE.]
The only way we are going to get any information from these girls is to infiltrate their clique.
How are we supposed to do that? We're not kids.
Funny you should say that.
Constantine gave me a potion that would turn us into kids only temporarily.
You're kidding, right? Wha Even if it works, Sara, I wouldn't have any idea how to act like a kid because I've never been one.
All my childhood memories are fake, remember? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
How are we going to find the kids with that dangly thing? You know, this ritual usually works best when someone isn't yammering in my ear hole.
Well, you want to find the kids, we got to do it the old-fashioned way.
Study their tracks.
It's a good thing I came prepared, because one step in the wrong direction here, and you'll be traveling for miles in the wrong Damn it, you Nandy Pandy, I said I need silence.
Oh, you meant right now.
I'm sorry, I thought you meant Why are you being such a jerk? Because you shouldn't even be out here chasing a magical creature, all right? It's too dangerous.
Too dangerous? [SCOFFS.]
You're lucky you're out here with me, because I can keep us alive on bugs and berries alone.
You know, this has nothing to do with survival in the wild and everything to do with surviving magical creatures and those who dabble in the dark arts.
I'll have you know, I am no stranger to the world of magic.
Yeah.
Oh, don't think I haven't heard how Nora Darhk had you eating out of the palm of her wicked little hand.
Oh, I bet she didn't even have to ask for the time stone, did she? No, you just gave it away like biscuits at tea time.
Nora and I have a mutual respect for each other.
It's not like I was tripping over myself What is that? No doubt left behind by the magical beast.
Who sheds its skin after it eats the kids? What are we looking for? Some sort of snake monster? The answer is in this book.
Is that a magical Audubon guide? Neat-o.
Mmm.
It's good.
What is it? Hooch.
I spent a little time in a Siberian gulag.
Got a taste for it.
[SCOFFS.]
Where I was it felt like 500 years.
Time worked differently in that realm.
Oh, I've been in a lot of cages, but not a magical one.
What was it like? The inside of my cage was a constant battle between creatures from your worst nightmare.
I, uh, got to know some of them better than I wanted to.
It was a dismal and a dark dimension, like nothing here on Earth.
And I'll be damned if I'm ever going back.
Well, cheers to that.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Friendship bracelet? No, it's an "I'm sorry" bracelet.
I shouldn't have run off like that.
It's just that you know I'm not normal, and I think you hit a nerve or something.
No, I'm sorry.
I never even thought about the fact that you'd never been a kid.
- Yeah.
- But this is really good.
Ugh.
I confiscated it from Alexis.
See, I'm weird.
I Do you know that those two actors who are my parents I keep a picture of them on my desk in my office just so I can try to feel a little bit normal.
Yeah, that is anything but normal.
Yeah.
Guys.
I think we've ID'd our monster.
Constantine and I found a skin suit shed by something called a shtriga.
- Come again? - A shtriga.
It's a vampiric witch.
It feeds off the life force of children.
Bloody brilliant setting up shop at summer camp.
Ah, there's some good news, sort of.
Uh, it says here the shtriga feeds slowly off its prey draining its life energy over a course of days, which means the missing kids could still be alive.
Then it's on you guys to find them.
All right.
Okay, and it's on us to protect these girls.
Now, I know you think I'm crazy, but what if the best way to protect them is by becoming one of them and lure the creature out? We'll be the bait.
What if Constantine's potion doesn't work on me? There's only one way to find out.
And if it does, I'll be with you every step of the way.
Show you the ropes.
Teach you how to be a kid.
Pinkie swear? Pinkie swear.
All right, lights out, everyone! [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
Hey, that means you, too, Hopper Cabin.
Don't make me come in there.
- Do you feel anything yet? - Mm No.
Maybe it doesn't work.
The pretty lights tell me otherwise.
[MAGICAL MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, what are you two doing in here? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh, snap.
Where did you guys come from out of the blue? Got kicked out of Clark Cabin for putting a frog under Christi Donovan's pillow.
You should have heard her scream.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Cool.
And you? I was kicked out 'cause I was caught reading after lights out.
Reading? Lame.
Uh, her counselors only thought she was reading, but really she was writing a letter to her boyfriend.
- He lives in France.
- [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
This year's counselors are the worst.
Especially Lake Beast.
- Yeah, I heard she smells bad.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Hey Um, yeah, I heard she looked really funny when she fell into the water.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you're lucky she didn't catch pneumonia.
That's a very serious illness.
Uh, sure.
You must have had balls to survive that hellhole.
Did what I had to Shapeshifted into whatever monster would keep the others off my back.
But you know exactly what it's like pretending to be something worse than you are to survive.
Well, there's that.
And there's finding someone you trust.
I did time in supermax with my old partner.
It's harder to plot against a team.
I spent all my time shapeshifting and running.
I never stuck around one place long enough to find anyone that I could trust.
Well, you got to start somewhere.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, it's me, Sara.
You guys still out there? Sara? Potion actually worked? You didn't know if it was going to work before you gave us the potion? Well, of course I didn't.
I never tested it on humans, have I? Damn it, John.
Well, just see it like this You two have now turned yourselves into irresistible shtriga bait.
So any suggestions on how a couple of kids can take on a magical child-eating hag? Well, if you're in a pinch, you can always try capsicum annuum More commonly known as cayenne pepper.
Witches hate the stuff.
But you'll be fine.
Cheers, love.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Great.
But where are we going to get cayenne pepper? Follow my lead.
The shtriga's lair can't be far now.
Look, a camper must have tried to hide from the shtriga here.
What are you doing? Oh, a spell? Yep.
[CHANTING.]
[MAGICAL MUSIC.]
Ah, will-o the wisp.
Little bugger will lead us to whoever owns that shirt.
Well, go on then, light the way.
Ha! Look at us A pair of magical detectives.
Oh, and I was beginning to think you were all right till you went and said that.
You know, there are other dabblers of the dark arts out there who think that I'm all right.
Referring to Nora Darhk, are we? You best stay away from that witch, mate.
Not even your big heart can keep you safe from someone who's wrestled with literal demons.
[SCOFFS.]
What about you? You're one of us now.
You even dressed up for a little while.
You've wrestled with demons, and you're good.
Just listen to me, all right? You know, I had a friend like you.
Someone good, someone who trusted me.
Be smarter than him, all right? Save yourself, Ray Palmer, because people like me and Nora Darhk we're bloody hell for people like you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Truth or dare? Truth.
I think you meant dare.
Dare? Dare.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean dare.
I dare you to sneak out of the cabin and break into the mess hall.
But to prove that you didn't chicken out, you have to bring us something back from the kitchen.
[TOGETHER.]
Ooh.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Well, this must be the place.
Alexis, who would you rather have babies with? Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Mario Lopez? - Mm - [DOOR OPENS.]
I ran into some trouble.
I knew it.
She chickened out.
I tried to carry more, but I could only sneak out with two of these.
I know you missed the ice cream social, so ice cream social is coming to you.
Rocky road and mint chocolate chip You're the best ever.
[GIRLS CHATTERING.]
And I have something just for us.
That's my girl.
[DOOR CREAKING.]
Oh, I've seen enough horror movie trailers to know this won't end well.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Those films are nothing compared to the horrors you might see in real life.
[GASPS.]
Are we too late? Uh, we'll need an incantation, a crystal, and a conduit to draw their pilfered life force from the shtriga and back into their bodies.
Now, just, uh, follow my lead and do everything I say.
We really needed this.
Camp's been kind of rough this year.
What do you mean? It's okay.
You can talk to us.
We're super worried about Lenise and Meredith.
We didn't want to say anything for the longest time.
We thought we'd get in trouble and ruin everything.
Ruin what? The midnight meet-up.
It's a tradition.
Every summer, girls take turns choosing guys they like to meet up with in the woods.
There's a string that starts near the flagpole, and it leads out into the meeting spot.
It changes every year.
So they meet up, and what's supposed to happen next? Well, you're supposed to have your first kiss and come back.
But Lenise and Meredith never came back.
We got to be getting close, right? - [BRANCH SNAPS.]
- What was that? [BLADE SLICES.]
It's way past lights out.
What punishment should I cook up for you? Come here, you two.
Get off me, you crusty old witch! [SCREAMS.]
My eyes! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Is she dead? [DOOR OPENS.]
All right, our team's dealing with something called a shtriga.
Do you know anything that could help them fight it? Oh, a shtriga.
Very intelligent and very deadly.
If you want my help, it's going to cost you.
Great.
Will that come in the form of another haiku, or can we expect something a little more detailed? What's that? What was that eye thing? According to legend, shtrigas are nasty old women, but the one that I met in prison The one that you're looking for Is beautiful.
And he's a bloke.
Hmm.
What the hell are you doing? Hey, you don't have another bathroom break for, oh, that's right, never, since you tried to break my face.
It is now or never.
Fine.
Whatever.
[SIGHS.]
Guys, this shtriga thing is not an old woman.
What's going on out here? You are looking for a young, handsome dude.
Are you ready, big man? On with the show, then.
- [SNORES.]
- What did you guys do to her? We didn't do anything.
Look, it's not safe for you guys out here.
Okay? You're coming with me.
We can take care of ourselves.
You're coming with me whether you like it or not.
[DEMONIC VOICE.]
You think you're so tough? I don't think it.
I know it.
[CHANTING IN LATIN.]
[GROANING LOUDLY.]
[CHANTING IN LATIN.]
[GROWLING.]
- It's working.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
It worked.
[GROANS.]
Ooh, that was worse than a hangover.
[GROWLING.]
[GROWLS.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, lad, wake up.
Wake up, lad.
Wake up.
Come on, son.
Damn it.
Bollocks.
I'm not losing another kid.
[CHANTING IN LATIN.]
What are you doing? John! John.
Come on.
John? Come on, John.
John.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ugh.
Damn it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Any of you got Got a light? - What happened? - You saved him.
You saved Randall.
Ah, that's good.
I'm gonna get you back to the ship.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna get the rest of you out.
We found you guys.
We got worried when you didn't show up for dinner.
Those kids look famished.
Get them water and electrolytes, stat.
And that gurney we just made out of rope and wood Bring it in.
Had a hunch it would come in handy.
How did you find us? Displacement and direction, just like you taught us.
[LAUGHS.]
Good job, Toby.
[HAPPY MUSIC.]
John's potion will be wearing off soon, and it's back to our normal lives, where we're only responsible for babysitting Rory and Gary.
I'd like to thank you for giving me real childhood memories.
To be honest, these memories have been kind of awful mostly awkward, but totally awesome.
I mean, it wouldn't be childhood without all of the above.
I'm happy it was with you.
And considering all the trouble those kids went through for a kiss I'm guessing no childhood would be complete without one.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
[MYSTICAL WHOOSHING.]
[DEVICE BEEPING.]
Couldn't help but notice our magical friend is not where she's supposed to be.
Oh, she's not? Rory, do you know anything about that? [CLEARS THROAT.]
You don't pay me enough to be a stinkin' prison guard.
I don't pay you anything.
Well, I let the fake Amaya go.
Why would you do that? Oh, in order to have an extreme makeover.
[DARK ROCK MUSIC.]
Thanks for the shtriga tip.
Well, if you had your hands full with a shtriga, I figured you'd need my help with whatever you plebs face next.
Sounds like a mutually beneficial partnership.
One condition, though I never set foot in that cage ever again.
Got it? Mr.
Constantine's body is rejecting my treatments.
His odds of survival are bleak.
John, what you did out there was pretty selfless.
I told you you were good.
That's not good for you.
Get some rest, John.
Gideon, give him the good stuff.
Oh, Gideon.
That's nice, love.
We should party He's getting worse.
The magic he used to save that camper was pretty powerful.
Well, if magic has him on death's door, then maybe magic can save him.
I think I know someone who can help.
But I have no idea how to find her.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Just one final ingredient.
I trust you'll find that my potion is magical.
Ugh.
[SPITS.]
You call that soup? [COUGHS.]
Oh, I-I can start over.
The Ren Fair opens in an hour.
You know what? Forget it.
It's not like folks come to this tent for the food anyways.
I'm sorry? They come for the lusty wenches.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm I'm a witch.
Okay, well, as long as it's a lusty witch, okay?