Dead Ringers (2002) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 Don't start bleating about the Yanks.
I paid cash for them Scud missiles.
They better be in my garage by morning.
Investigators say the collision in the North Sea that led to 3,000 luxury BMWs being lost was inevitable, as the person in charge of the BMWs was a tosser who assumed he owned the sea.
Have you been injured by an accident at work? Have you tripped or fallen over a loose paving stone? Have you tried to con people with dodgy slimming pills and timeshare scams and have the authorities breathing down your neck? Then call Cherie Direct.
At Cherie Direct, our trained lawyer is at Number Ten 24 hours a day to take your call.
I'm not Superwoman and I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air, but I'll do what I can.
Over the years, Cherie Direct has helped countless con men facing deportation.
Like Peter from Australia.
Just one phone call and a couple of faxes to Cherie Direct was all it took for me to get a generous six-figure cash settlement from a sleazy Sunday tabloid paper.
Bonza! Phone Cherie Direct today.
Because with Cherie Direct handling your case, the only person my husband will want to deport is me.
Scared lips, timid earlobes, I'm -a-liability trouser suit.
My fellow invertebrates, this week, a major incident reported took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship.
Oh, we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well.
As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear programme - a programme I condemn, because it threatens to desalinate the region, and also because it's a programme that hasn't once featured the Fonz.
But be warned, King Kong, like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of biplanes will obliterfry you from the face of the Earth.
God bless pancakes.
- There you go, sir.
Pint of lager.
- Cheers, mate.
You know, when I saw Cherie Blair on the telly crying her eyes out, I couldn't help thinking I should be making money out of this.
Wise wizard Gandalf, where will my quest take me? Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth the journey.
You must show great courage as you leave the Shire and head north across the mountains.
There you must venture into Balin's Tomb and beyond, though you will need great cunning to defeat the Orcs as you cross the River Anduin at Parth Galen.
Beyond lies the many terrors of Dead Marches, but survive them and you will reach first Ithilien, then Mordor where your search will end.
And you want me to bring you the One Ring that will bring peace to Middle Earth? No, a carton of milk.
There's nothing in the fridge and I'm gagging for a cup of tea.
Hello, I'm Delia Smith.
I'm reminding you because I haven't been on your screens for quite some time.
That's because there are so many other wonderful cooks on television, each bringing you their own unique perspective on cookery, which is why I've been working extra hard to bring you some really memorable recipes for this series.
Now, for this first dish, I've been greatly inspired by Antony Worrall Thompson.
When I heard the BBC were giving him another series, I broke into his house late at night and slaughtered him like a pig, thus freeing up a good two months in the schedules for lots more Delia.
Now, I used a machete to dismember his body, but any sharp implement will do.
I then left his limbs to simmer in this large pot, until the neighbours complained about the smell.
And now the entire Metropolitan Police force are after me, but I think you'll agree that the result was worth it.
Mmm Lovely.
And for the finishing touch, his beard makes an excellent garnish.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson, Melvyn Bragg with alopecia.
The makers of the Harry Potter films have finally ended speculation as to who'll replace Richard Harris as Dumbledore.
The role has gone to another legendary British hellraiser.
Oh, wise and kindly Dumbledore, what advice do you have for me? Don't have (BLEEP)ing kids, that's my advice.
They're a (BLEEP)ing nightmare.
When they said I'd be surrounded by magical elves and plants that come to life, I thought, "I'll have some of whatever they're having.
" You never said it'd be for (BLEEP)ing real, you specky little shit.
You said you'd teach me to fly on a broomstick.
Listen, you take a quarter of the stuff I've had, you'll be flying all right, but you won't need no (BLEEP)ing broomstick.
Without your help, Dumbledore, how will I defeat the evil Lord Voldemort? You leave Voldemort to me.
I'll show him who the real Prince of Darkness is.
Let's see his face when I bite the head off Professor Snape.
People of Britain Nervous forehead, worried teeth, I-hate-the-"Daily-Mail" bald spot Fresh allegations continue to surface over Cherie's dealings with con man Peter Foster.
This has forced me to take the very tough decision to sack Cherie from her post of being my wife.
That was the Prime Minister making his bombshell announcement today.
- He joins me in the studio.
- Good evening, Kirsty.
It must've been difficult sacking the person you love and cherish.
I'm not sacking Alistair Campbell Sorry, you meant Cherie.
Much like when I split John Prescott's ministry into three, I want to divide the job of the politician's wife into traditional roles of photo opportunities, domestic duties and rumpy pumpy.
Photo opportunities will be handled by the red pillar box.
Its big wide mouth and red face make it the perfect replacement.
Is that really practical? Yes.
The pillar box has been doing the job for six months and nobody has noticed.
Presumably, that means that the blow-up doll takes care of rumpy pumpy, while Robin Cook will take over domestic duties? Yes, Kirsty.
Yes, that's exactly right.
I feel the same.
I just can't say it here.
Crowe, I noticed you haven't asked me to be your best man.
On this of all days, you show me no respect, you poetry-loving Aussie poof.
Porky ageing Lothario Jack Nicholson said this week that he's lost his libido.
He's still shouting "Here's Johnny", but nowadays he can't get the damn thing on.
In previous episodes of "Living with the Enemy", we've bought together hunt saboteurs and Tory MPs, Sloane rangers and gypsies.
But this is our greatest challenge yet, as we get Time Lord Doctor Who to spend a weekend with the Cyberman family of Essex.
It is true the Time Lord is forbidden from interfering with other life forms.
That's a likely excuse for not helping with the washing up! The Cybermen are notoriously evil warriors, but when off duty, they really know how to party.
And this was when we invaded the planet Voga.
And this is when we invaded Kronos.
And this is when we invaded Garazone.
- And this is when we invaded Cryon.
- Lovely.
Thank God that's over.
Not even the Daleks ever subjected me to anything so arse-paralysingly painful.
Maybe things will liven up when we go for a beer.
Do you remember when I thwarted your invasion of Gallifrey by scraping a gold badge across the Cyberleader's chest? Gold being lethal to Cybermen, it killed him instantly.
Now, that was funny.
(VOICEOVER) But a few pints later, everyone starts to relax.
(DOCTOR SINGS) # Maybe I didn't treat you # Quite as good as I should have # And maybe I didn't neutralise you # Quite as often as I should have # Little things that I should have said and done # I just never took the time # You were always on my mind You were always on my mind You're my best mate in the whole galaxy, you are.
No, I don't care what the Daleks say.
They're a bunch of wankers.
That was a top night, but when they insisted on going for a curry, then on to invade Telos to convert the Cryons into Cyberdrones, I called it a night.
Next week, see how the Bush family of Washington get on when they drop in on the Husseins of Baghdad.
Now, recipes involving fish are always popular, as we saw in Rick Stein's marvellous programme "Rick Stein's a Taste of the Sea".
Well, the sea is all Rick will be tasting from now on, as earlier today, I set his feet in concrete and threw him off Padstow Harbour.
Now, I used strong ropes to bind his hands and gag him, but you could use any old handkerchiefs.
Yes, I do realise I've gone barking mad, but why else would I have bought Norwich City? ("PARKINSON" THEME) Good evening.
My next guests are amongst the world's greatest bus travellers.
They've waited at stops here in the UK and Hollywood, and have also travelled some of the greatest journeys which have ever been chartered.
It's a wonderful honour to speak to the two of you today.
This is a typical bus stop.
How does this rank alongside the classic bus stops at which you've waited over the years? (INDISTINCT) Beckham, throw the game or there might be more rumours on the Internet about you.
It's been suggested that Cherie Blair's tearful speech wasn't as original as people had first assumed, as this footage of Peter Mandelson's last resignation speech shows.
It is not fair to the Government that the entire focus of political debate at present revolves around my questionable property deals.
I know I'm in a very special position.
I have an interesting job, but I know that I'm not Superwoman.
The reality of my life is that I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air.
Trying to be the Prime Minister's consort at home and abroad and a charity worker sometimes some of those balls get dropped.
I would never want to harm anyone, least of all my Tony.
Thinking about it, has anyone actually ever seen them together? Wizard Gandalf, where must my quest take me? Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must set out for the Ford of Bruinen, where the council of Elrond convenes.
Be wary of their advice, for they have lost courage.
But listen to them well, for they alone hold the key to success in your battle with the Nazgûl as you cross the Bridge of Khazad-dûm.
Press deeper and deeper into the gloom that is the Fangorn Forest until, when all hope seems lost, you finally gaze upon Pelennor Fields and your journey will end.
- You want me to bring back the Ring? - No.
20 Silk Cut and a packet of matches.
Don't tell Bilbo.
He thinks I've given up.
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the following newsflash from the BBC newsroom.
Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys.
It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly.
The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened.
We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.
A terrible thing has happened and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved.
When I find out what it is, I'll be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television.
Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Iain-Duncan-Smith smile.
Iain Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.
I am appalled by this terrible thing.
And Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.
I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.
Then Iain Duncan Smith said this.
Well, I am totally and utterly devastated and appalled.
Well, I am not only devastated and appalled, I am outraged and shocked.
I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.
And no sombre occasion would be complete without a statement from the Palace.
My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen.
One just forgot to mention it to anyone.
And now it's time for pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen.
- Professor, what is this terrible thing? - Well, I have no idea.
That won't stop you answering, will it? No, no, no.
Because as I stated in my book "Terrible Things That Can Happen", I did say at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would happen, and I've been proved right.
Right Well, I'm told we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away and no westerners were involved.
Good night.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) (MUMBLES) No, I'm not interested.
(MUMBLES) I don't live here.
(MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) - I'm busy.
I must leave you in peace.
It's been good talking to you.
(MUTTERS) We're all citizens, aren't we? Citizen Smith and Citizen Jones.
(MUTTERS) - Thanks very much.
- (MUTTERS) Message across.
Hello, I'm Hannah Gordon, a cross between Judith Chalmers and some fabric conditioner.
On today's "Watercolour Challenge", we're using this sunset scene to compare the methods of artists today and 100 years ago.
On the modern side, it's our old friend Arthur Hughes from Hereford.
Well, Arthur, how's the lakeside view going? Well, initially, I had a little trouble capturing the water, but I've adjusted my colostomy bag now.
Would your techniques have been the same 100 years ago? Oh, no.
I'd have just weed in a bucket.
Well, have a sterling day, sirrah! Representing artists of 100 years ago, it's Post-Impressionist master Vincent van Gogh.
- What's with the bandage, Vincent? - Oh, this? I cut off half my ear with a razor.
Let's hope you're not so clumsy with a paintbrush! Yah, it was an outburst of violent self-loathing.
Now, Vincent, as one of the greatest artists of all time, I expect you've produced an extraordinary work of genius.
More importantly, have you had a nice day out? Yah, my painting is a distortion of shape and colour, which conveys the most elemental of emotions.
I am not some amateur chocolate box man like your Arthur Hughes.
Oh, want a piece of me, do you, eh? Well, how many paintings have you ever sold? - One.
- Ha! One?! - Yah.
- I've sold three.
Yeah, three.
- Stick that in your clogs, you Dutch loon! - (POP) Oh, dear.
It's come away again.
- I'm gonna do you? - Yah? (SQUABBLING) Lovely.
Well, we're having a super day here, but I have to go, because at midnight I turn into a tin of tartan shortbread.
Would I like to have a family? What kind of question is that? Of course I'd like to have a family.
I just can't decided if it's Tom Hanks' or Steven Spielberg's I want.
Following fresh allegations in the press, Cherie and I felt it necessary to make this statement.
What they say is true, we have been taken for a ride by a second Australian con man.
It's your old mate Rolfie here.
When we handed Rolf that money, we thought we'd get a luxury cut-price flat in Bristol, but it was just a hamster with a dicky tummy that didn't make it through the night.
Duped forehead, bemused teeth, taken-for-a-ride underpants.
And he conned us out of a fortune, backing these miracle pills that he said would grow us an extra leg.
Remorseful hair, grave lipstick, appealing-to-mothers-everywhere tears.
They must've been diddle-iddle-iddle-dumb to fall for that.
Have you guessed who's just sold her a half-share in the Sydney Opera House yet? Now, last week I made a dress out of Gary Rhodes' skin, but I was careless about leaving evidence, so I've finally been caught.
Every criminal genius makes a mistake sooner or later.
Mine was to write detailed notes of all my crimes and publish them in hardback, price £19.
99 from all good bookshops.
There's a particularly good recipe on page 33, involving Ainsley Harriot's liver and a nice Chianti.
Or you could just use Valpolicella.
I won't be here next week because I'll be helping the police stop an evil mastermind who preys on men and leaves their bodies completely drained of fluid.
Or Nigella as she's otherwise known.
He was a skater boy.
She said, "See you later, boy.
" He wasn't good enough for her.
More on that story later.
Last week, the Government announced it's to spend billions on a major road-widening scheme, but hidden in the bill was another controversial proposal - a scheme to widen John Prescott.
Preparations at the depot have already begun.
We're confident the Prescott-widening scheme will be completed on time.
My men will be shovelling these pasties round the clock, and that cement mixer has been whipping up Birds trifle for weeks.
I'm joined in our Westminster studio by John Prescott.
Kirsty, it's essential I am widened to accommodate the expected ten-fold increase in the number of pies handled by my small intestine by 2008.
There is a major bottleneck where the chips and pies go, so we propose three new mouths, two on my shoulders and one on my forehead.
But what benefits will this have for the public? Well, in answer, and you've had your pudding, I'd like to have mine with custard, and whereas, in fact, you'll find Mr Ginster agrees with me on that point, the more food I eat, the fewer incomprehensible sentences I give on programmes like this.
This is the best thing you've ever done! Took the words mouth out of mine right.
My name is Greg Dyke and I am Director General of the BBC.
Bring back "Doctor Who"? All right, but no Daleks.
No, they crossed me once too often.
Now, a Government independent review Body has been mouthing off about my 24-hour rolling news channel, News 24.
They say unless it's more distinctive, it'll be taken off air.
Right, I'll make it bloody distinctive.
Instead of 24-hour rolling news, we'll make it 24-hour bowling news.
All the latest greens, all the gossip, breaking news about which clubroom serves the best cream teas.
And if that isn't distinctive enough, I'll just turn it into 24-hour strolling news.
Strollers, strollers and more strollers.
While there's a pun left in my body, nobody takes one of my stations off the air! So, wise wizard Gandalf, where is it my quest is going to take me? Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
You must cross the Barrow Downs at Bree Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get the idea.
Over this, across that, beyond bloody something else.
Look, I'm only going if at the end, there will be the Ring.
Well? Will the Ring be there? I wouldn't have thought so.
It's in my pocket.
Then why have you sent me on these epic quests? Because I am a bastard.
Just because someone has a beard and a big cloak, that doesn't mean they're nice.
Get me that lock of Prince Harry's hair, or they'll only be able to identify you by your DNA.
MI5 says Osama Bin Laden may have bought 40 suitcase bombs.
What's more terrifying is that each suitcase comes with its own Celtic supporter.
Very good evening.
Welcome to "The Sky At Night".
I recently purchased this huge, immensely powerful telescope, which allows me to observe images from the furthest reaches of the cosmos.
Images so distant, they, in fact, transpired billions of years in the past.
As I look into the distant depths of space, one gets rare glimpses of the birth of planets, stars coalescing together to form new galaxies.
In fact, we can see so far back in time, that even the early stages of the birth of our universe are visible.
And if one looks even further back than that - yes, it's quite incredible - one would see me in Dunn & Co on Oxford Street buying this jacket, just over four billion years ago in the First Jacket Age.
Certainly brings back some happy memories.
Very good night.
Good night.
Later on 4, we've a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment.
That's "Bloody Hell, That Weird-Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress" tonight at nine.
I think what's important about people is what is on the inside, which is why I think it's absolutely frightful that in our society people are persecuted just because of the colour of their skin.
Take me.
I'm a normal, lovely person, but I face prejudice every day, just because I'm orange.
TVpresenters all across the country are asking themselves Now, let me tell you something.
I was repeatedly bullied at school.
They treated me no better than a dog or a "Bargain Hunt" contestant.
Was it because I was orange? Was it because I was just generally an annoying tit? Orange boy! But I found there was one way of deflecting the bullies.
I'd say an eighter, possibly a niner.
It has been vinegared, but that adds to the value.
And at one Dairylea triangle, I'd say it's a bobby dazzler.
Ho-ho! Cheap as chips! Some of the things I get called are unbelievable.
I mean, I can laugh now, but at the time, it's very upsetting to be called Fanta - Orang-utan - Lucozade - Oompa Loompa - But in the end, all we want is for people of all colours to be lovely and at peace with each other.
# Tangerine and ivory # Live together in perfect harmony Side by side on my piano These people are fighting for their right - their right to significantly increase their chances of getting skin cancer just so they can look like Spaniards.
And together, they believe the future's bright, - The future's - (ALL) Orange! Just time for a look at what'll be on news-stands tomorrow.
The "Times" has "More Answers Are Needed to Cherie Blair's Links with Peter Foster".
The "Telegraph" demands a full Government enquiry into "Cheriegate".
The "Mail" has an exclusive - "Cherie Blair Is a Witch and Should Be Stoned and Then Cast Into the River".
The "Beano" has Cherie Blair being spanked by Dennis the Menace's dad.
"Hot Big Ones" asks if the Cherie Blair scandal could have been avoided if she'd only pleasured herself by sitting on a washing machine.
And finally, the "Radio Times" has ten pages of ads for porcelain figurines of Cherie with a tear in her eye and an onion in her hand.
Good night.

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