Dead Ringers (2002) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 Santa, I don't care if I've been naughty, bring me the flick knives I asked for.
Woolworth's have revealed what was this Christmas's top stocking filler Winona Ryder.
We have travelled far, following a bright star shining in the East, carrying gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the newborn king.
So, bargain hunters, let's see what the blue team have bought.
Gold, very nice.
Note the patina.
Frankincense, could be attractive to the right buyer.
What about myrrh? Well, I'm not so sure, as no one in the entire world has any idea what it is.
Could be a duffer.
And so will it verily come pass that when at auction, they'll make some money? What do you think? That really would be a miracle.
You're bound to do better than the red team of shepherds.
All they bought was sheep.
You scumbag.
You maggot.
You cheap lousy faggot.
Happy Christmas, your arse.
I pray God it's your last.
More on that story later.
So the world remains on tenterhooks this week as we await the final reaction to a 12,000-page document.
A document written, of course, by eight-year-old Jimmy Meadows of Hemel Hempstead.
Yes, Jimmy's 12,000-page letter to Santa, asking for a PlayStation 2, was delivered both to UN headquarters in New York and Santa's headquarters in the North Pole a few weeks ago.
But it now seems that whatever the UN decides, Santa will reject the document as being fatally flawed.
Joining me in the studio is one of Santa's closest allies, the Prime Minister.
Nice to be here, Kirsty.
Tinsel forehead, chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-hand gesture.
Whitehall has to verify the key issue of whether Jimmy has been naughty or nice.
And clearly, there are a number of glaring omissions.
Most noticeably, there's no reference to the wedgie Jimmy gave Kevin on his birthday.
I'll have to interrupt you there, as it seems we can go now live to the North Pole, where their President, Santa, is holding a press conference.
(GEORGE BUSH) My fellow North Polians, we have studied Little Jimmy's dossier carefully, and we cannot accept it.
He has been naughty, not nice.
This has left us with no choice.
Three squadrons of heavily armed-reindeers, flying out of Fort Hohoho, led by Rudolf, Donner and Dancer, are already in the air and headed for 42 Elmtree Terrace, armed with the very latest surface-to-chimney missiles that can lock in on a slice of cake and a glass of pop from a range of 3,000 miles.
Ho-ho-ho! And a merry Christmas to you all.
Great news for Muppets fans this festive season.
There was "A Muppet Christmas Carol" on ITV, "A Muppet Treasure Island" on BBC1, and "The Muppets Invade Baghdad And Kermit Kicks Saddam's Arse" on News 24.
Now it's the BBC Christmas Appeal.
We all know Christmas is a time for remembering.
So I'm (BLEEP)ed, then.
Next on Channel 4, Nigella Lawson proves she can make anything sexy.
When I'm unblocking my toilet, I always like to start by playfully teasing a fresh pair of rubber gloves from its gossamer-thin wrapping.
Being rubber, the gloves are very malleable to the touch and respond well to the slightest pressure.
Now we need to make sure everything is in full working order, so we find the ballcock.
If this hasn't been handled for a while, you may find that it doesn't respond to your touch, so cup it gently, and you may find you need to coax it just a little bit more so everything is working perfectly.
Now I'm going to need my plunger.
For best results, grasp by the stem and fall effortlessly to your knees before the cistern, and then start to plunge, downwards in a rhythmic motion, plunging and plunging, plunging until it oozes through the U-bend and surges into the pan.
Why does that always happen to me? (DRUNKENLY) My name is Greg Dyke and I am Director General of the BBC, and our Christmas do just finished two days ago.
Now, what do I remember? Oh, yeah! Jeremy Clarkson got a bit out of order, so I slammed the photocopier lid on his genitals.
The jeans he wears, he's used to getting them squashed.
I just hope I didn't get really hammered and do anything that I'll regret.
Hang on, what's this? This is a commission for a second series of "Fame Academy" with my name on it.
That's it.
I'm never drinking ever again.
Hello, I'm Mark Lawson.
And they say all TV presenters are just eye candy.
Tonight, we're paying tribute to George Lucas.
After the end of the first "Star Wars" trilogy in 1981, most people assume that Lucas didn't direct again until "Star Wars - Episode 1" in 1999.
Not so, in the early '90s, he worked briefly for the BBC.
In my Christmas message this year, I want to address not just my many subjects in the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth, but across the galaxy as well.
Over the past year, my husband and I, accompanied by our droids R2D2, C3PO and Edward, travelled widely, visiting Canada, Australia, Tatooine and the ice planet of Hoth.
This year has truly been an annus horribilus, what with the blockade of the planet Naboo and the Commonwealth constructing their Death Star.
(ALEC GUINNESS) Elizabeth, I sense his presence.
He is near - the evil one.
But I am not yet ready.
I have not yet mastered the Force.
You are a Jedi, Queen Elizabeth.
Your time for battle has come.
So, Queenfinally, we come face to face.
I am the head of state here now.
As we speak, my stormtroopers are preparing to perform the changing of the guard.
I will never let anyone as evil as you rule.
Never! Draw your lightsabre, Elizabeth! Slay him! You are defeated! Now let's see who you really are.
(GASPS) Phillip! ElizabethI am your husband! Is that the glue factory? I've bagged another seven reindeer.
I knew them Scud missiles would come in handy.
Girls Aloud insist that they'll sell just as many records next Christmas.
Provided they hang on to their Saturday jobs at HMV, they could be right.
Look at me.
I'm like Nigella Lawson with a (BLEEP)ing bad hangover.
Good evening.
I'm Simon Schama.
Look at the muck in 'ere.
Tonight, we look in depth at a turbulent period in our nation's history.
The time of the Saxon hordes.
A potato? Right.
Forget the Saxon hordes.
Tonight, we look at the reign of King Edward son of Elthelred the Unready who fought the Vikings in 1013 and took a roasting.
By 1042, the reign of the Viking dynasty began to peel away, and when the chips were down, Edward was able to terrify the Vikings which was one in the eyefor the monarchy.
Where should we start? We need to make the first incision here, because I can tell by a glance that this was a man - Terry O'Driscoll, aged 63 to 65 years of age, who spoke four languages, worked in a greengrocers, rode a motorbike and had a pet budgie called Harold.
No, you're wrong.
This is your surprise birthday cake! (ALL) Surprise! Surprise? Oh, no.
I don't do surprise.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan.
As I stare mournfully out into the middle distance, I'm never surprised and I'm always right.
Now, who wants a piece of Mr O'Driscoll to take home in a serviette? Hello? Are you the plumber? It's the loyal servant of the true emperor Marcus Aurelius here.
Never mind.
Look, it's my home.
It needs a lot of work.
I need your assistance.
- So, you are a plumber? - I'm a heating engineer.
That is good.
We need to bring water to this site.
Is there anywhere we can pick up from? I think the nearest lake is six miles walk from here.
- (LAUGHS) The nearest lake? - Obviously, that's no good.
I'm not sure clean water can be found anywhere near here.
Most of it is infected by plague - .
so we better boil it.
- Maybe so.
So we need to bring water.
Could you build me an aqueduct? That's a bit of a stretch.
You need to talk to McAlpine.
McAlpine? Is he an agent of those who would plot a war against me? - I hope not.
- Really? If he is, I shall capture his armies and those who oppose me and crumble their fortresses into dust.
Will it be feasible to remove the grass and turn this into a Roman bath? Er Are you serious? You want to turn this into a bath area? Yes, I am completely serious about that.
We must bathe with the women slaves.
It replenishes men's spirits before battle.
So, plumber, just before you go, um - We must be ever ready for battle.
- Right.
The Germanic hordes may appear over the hill at any moment.
My Felix Legion army is 900-men strong.
Um Might you be able to install 900 Portaloos out of sight? - A Portaloo apiece? - I think so.
- Do they need that? - We can't have 20 soldiers to one shitter.
A Portaloo apiece isan extravagance.
It may be an extravagance, but the risk, Marcus, isn't acceptable.
This festive season here on BBC1, we have more increasingly desperate "Weakest Link"-themed specials.
Hello and welcome to the "Weakest Link" - the Trappist Monk Special.
Brother Benjamin, in what year did Nirvana release "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? Brother Thomas, who wrote "A Tale Of Two Cities"? Brother Edward, name the researcher who I'll be garrotting for not telling me that you've all taken a vow of silence? And the end of that round, you've banked a pathetic zero pounds.
So, who is one bad habit you definitely need to ditch? Whose presence means you haven't got a prayer? It's time to vote off the weakest monk.
Brother Thomas, you voted for Brother Edward.
Why? Which is a better reason than the rubbish people usually come out with.
But it's votes that count.
Brother Edward, you are the weakest monk.
- You don't have the correct time, do you? - Er Sorry, yes.
Looking at the bus Ten past three.
Ten past three.
Well, ten past three it may be, but according to the figures that we have, it could be several minutes beyond that.
Of course, it would be foolish to assume we can keep it at five past three forever.
We have to maintain time for the precious resource that it is.
If that means being slightly behind Germany, then so be it.
Look at Brazil - Who cares, love? - The United States is nine hours behind Your face is very familiar, shall we say? Yes Just call me Tony, anyway.
Just call me Tony.
- Blair.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
Do you have the time? - Twenty past three.
- Twenty past three.
According to Government figures, it could be several minutes beyond that.
We've got to be sensible about this and remember that since we came to power, time has marched forward for everyone - six years for me - and that applies for everyone in this country, so it's a case of getting around the negotiating table and let's find a time that's right for everyone.
(SQUEAK) My name is Greg Dyke, still recovering from the BBC's staff party.
What a do.
There was more white powder than at a branch of Boots.
Well, they have a lot of cocaine parties at Boots.
What a night we had.
The strobe lighting made everyone look weird and freakish.
All except Louis Theroux, strangely enough.
We even had a little cabaret- people doing things they don't usually do.
Michael Buerk, he did some song and dance.
Nick Ross, he did a striptease.
And Nick Berry and Michelle Collins, they did some acting.
Well, there was bound to be a first time.
I need your advice, wise wizard Dumbledore.
No, what you need, Potter, is new glasses.
I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings", a wise wizard who guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.
- Yes, that's right.
- Frodo, tell Harry that I am Gandalf.
You're not Gandalf.
Gandalf's here, the wise wizard who guides the hero on a brave quest.
No, young acolyte.
I'm not Gandalf.
I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
- Dumbledore! - I'm not bloody Dumbledore! I'm the one who sacrifices himself, then returns from the dead to help the hero.
- You've nicked that idea from me! - The actor who plays Dumbledore is dead.
- He'll return played by someone else.
- Like me! It's my movie that's breaking box office records, not your piss-poor effort.
Oh! That's all we need! The evil villain who dabbles in the dark side.
He's the evil lord who kills the hero's father.
- That's Lord Voldemort! - I'm not Voldemort.
Anyway, that's a story they tell the hero.
I'm really his father.
- You're my father? - I am.
Oh, bugger! That's spoilt the ending of the fifth book.
If your children act up this Boxing Day, scare them into behaving with the Christmas "Radio Times".
Its weird cover looks like it was drawn before the war and has a huge robin being ridden by Father Christmas.
It scares the hell out of me.
Hello, love.
God bless.
Welcome to "Thora's Nice History of Britain", where we refuse to dwell on the unpleasant side of life.
Now, I've got some Iron Age artefacts here.
Now, some historians will tell you this is a spearhead, used for hunting, war and all manner of nastiness and upset.
That's just plain wrong.
This was quite clearly used for crimping the edges of pies.
Look at that.
And this.
Well There's all sorts of rude and unpleasant explanations to what this was used for, but I can reveal that this is a garden dibber, used for putting in seeds.
I've got a modern one of these meself - a nine-inch model in black - and let me tell you, during the summer months, it's rarely out of my hands.
Join me next week, when I'll be looking at King Arthur and how he used his round table for whist drives.
God bless.
Listen, girls, how do you think you got to Number 1? I've got 60,000 copies in me garage.
We had a deal.
My dressing room, 10 minutes, and get your kit off.
Yeah, this time you won't be miming.
A record 1.
5 million Britons are spending this Christmas abroad.
And a record 1.
2 million burglars are currently breaking into their houses.
("TARRANT ON TV" THEME) Welcome to "Tarrant on TV", the show you thought I couldn't be arsed to do any more.
Once again, we look at wacky TV across the world, proving that they really do things differently abroad.
Take a look at this curiously doom-laden offering from France.
Et bienvenue à "Neuf Neuf Neuf: Rescue d'Emergencie", avec moi, Michel Buerk.
"Où est la plume de ma tante?" Plus sur celui plus tard.
Vendredi était un jour ordinaire pour Antoine de Caunes.
Mais le jour terminé dans la tragédie.
Il est tombé dans un abandoned quarry.
Boof! Quel tit! Zut alors! Next up is a decidedly bizarre but popular programme from Germany which toys with our emotions in a faintly sadistic way.
Guten tag, und wilkommen zum "Rolf's Animal Krankenhaus".
Du rememberest der lovely Hund, Rover? Es ist, wie sie sagen in England, "bad news".
Er war zu feeble, zu mangy, um zu machen durch die nacht.
Es ist unheimlich sad.
We end today with a programme from across the pond whose inexplicable popularity proves, unlike the discerning viewers over here, those Yanks really will watch anything.
Hi, I'm Dave Dickinson, the palest man on TV.
You're watching "Bargain Quest".
Now, I've given our teams the laughably small sum of $200,000.
Will my homies come back with a bob dazzler or just a goddamn heap of ass? Let's hope it's a bargain.
Ho-ho! Cheap as French fries.
You're watching BBC2.
Turkey Curry? Are you sure that's a good idea? As there's nothing in the papers at Christmas, we're going to look at what's in tomorrow's Christmas crackers instead.
So, in the bargain crackers, there's a pair of fake comedy lips which aren't quite big enough to fit over anybody's real lips.
There's a flimsy party hat.
The joke is, "What sits at the bottom of the sea and quivers - a nervous wreck.
" So that's that.
In the Marks & Spencer's luxury crackers is a miniature jigsaw.
Just three pieces - hours of challenging fun for all the family.
There's a flimsy party hat, and a thought-provoking Chinese proverb, which says, "What lies at bottom of the sea and quivers? Confucius, he say it's a nervous wreck.
" And what we have next is the Fortnum and Mason cracker.
Inside here there are a selection of honey roast hams, some beluga caviar, a gold-plated DVD player and a flimsy party hatdesigned by Phillip Treacy.
There's no joke.
Instead, they book Jimmy Tarbuck to come round to your house to do his very best 20-minute set.
So I'd stick with the nervous wreck joke.
- Turned out nice again today, hasn't it? - Not bad.
Not bad.
Well, I think we have to look at this situation sensibly.
Although it's turned out rather pleasant today, if it continues to turn out pleasant all day, then You really remind me of someone.
- You really remind me of Tony Blair.
- Well, I should hope so.
- Are you Conservative or Labour? - (LAUGHS) Well, I I think people find that hard to ascertain at the moment.
What do you think? People of this bus stop, this is your Prime Minister.
I know that the bus that we are waiting for is not here, and we are feeling that, and we take full responsibility for that.
When the bus arrives, I am all in favour of going into the bus, not staying outside.
We should only get onto the bus when the time is right, if we have the correct change.
I believe then that we can move forward within a sustainable programme of trips to the supermarkets.
Good evening and welcome to "The Sky At Night".
People often ask me, "Patrick," they say, "Why have you been so very very fascinated with the night sky over the past 60 years?" And the answer to that question isI'm not.
No, not in the slightest.
You see, 50 years ago, the local constables came a-knocking, after numerous complaints from my neighbours, wishing to know what the dickens I was doing with 50 telescopes in my loft.
Well, thinking on my feet, I told them I was an astronomer.
And they bought it, as did the BBC.
But the simple truth of the matter is I'm actually a peeping tom.
That's right.
The heavenly bodies of Ursa Major and the Perseids bore me rigid, but the heavenly bodies of big housewives sunbathing on terraces does it for Patrick every time.
So if, like me, you are currently training your telescope at Number 34, we had been promised an unparalleled view of a spectacular shower being taken by Mrs McKenzie.
(WATER RUNNING, WOMAN SCREAMS) This, however, may prove disappointing, due to the addition of frosted glass to the bathroom window, so her heavenly body may not be completely visible with the naked eye.
An exhibition by architect Mies van de Rohe opened this week in London, but we're not discussing that because as it's the last show, all the panellists have brought in the toys they got for Christmas.
Germaine Greer, I didn't expect a doll.
I'll have you know this is feminist Barbie.
It's actually just the same as normal Barbie, except she sees the fact that Ken has no genitalia as a positive thing.
And if you pull her cord she does this Don't try and control me with your passive/aggressive tendencies.
- Tom Paulin.
- Well, I was given this Buckaroo, and it fills me with a deep sense of disillusionment and depression.
- Germaine? Your thoughts? - I agree.
Buckaroo is a microcosm of the malaise of Western society.
We're all overburdened by these unnecessary plastic accoutrements.
In the end, we have to kick out in futile impotent rage.
I'm right, aren't I? No, I just find it depressing that I got a Buckaroo for Christmas.
I mean, Mariella Frostrup, she gets an Xbox, the lucky cow.
Right, well, I'm not telling you what I got.
You'll just have to guess.
Hi, kids.
It's that time of morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs are playing out the nativity scene.
Plinky, Flommit and Bobo are three wise men who visited Baby Jesus in the stable, bringing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.
It wasn't ? No, it was the flommumbrella, the Brightly Coloured Blobs duvet cover and a pair of Brightly Coloured Blobs trainers.
All on sale now from leading retail outfits.
Wasn't that lucky, with it being Christmas and all? (BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION) (COMPÈRE) Please give a very warm welcome for the Traveller! Is this a rondium sensor? Ah, it is.
A very warm greeting.
I'm very well, my friend.
I'm very well.
Are you a Thaal? No? Actually, no.
He looks like Davros.
(LAUGHTER) I've travelled a great deal in my life.
I've seen many places, and along the way, I've picked up some wonderful pieces of music which bring back many happy memories.
This is called "The Ascent of the Kela Machine".
It goes something like this (STRANGE ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (ELECTRONIC FLOURISH) Would you like to hear your old favourite? It goes a little like this ("DOCTOR WHO" THEME) # And now the end is near # And so I face the final curtain # My friends, I say it clear # I'll state my case, of which I'm certain # Regrets? I have a few # But then again, too few to mention # I did what I had to do # I did what I did without exception # For what is a man? What has he got? # If not himself, then he has not # I faced it all and I stood tall Throughout all my regenerations, I did it my way Goodbye.
This is "The 10 O'Clock News" with me, Michael Buerk.
The main headlines again.
It's my last day, so I can say whatever I like.
Today's top story.
I've just photocopied my arse and faxed it to Trevor McDonald.
Then I nicked a load of stationery and told Michelle, who does my autocue, that she's well worth one, though she's a bit of a five-pinter.
Oh, and I hate news, I make most of it up, Andrew Marr is a jug-eared lefty loon, and Greg Dyke, you look like a coach driver from Wallace Arnold.
See you around.

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