Dear White People (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 [classical music playing.]
[narrator.]
Thane Lockwood, a son, a brother, possibly a father DNA tests are still out.
As the star running back for the mighty Griffins, he holds records for the most yards rushed and the lowest GPA of any student ever admitted to Winchester.
He was also known for his penchant for flight.
[crowd chanting.]
Thane! Thane! Thane! Thane! [hip-hop music playing.]
[Thane.]
Whoo! [cheering.]
Ooh, look at you.
Must you? How did you get the color so even? [gasps.]
Oh.
[laughs.]
[narrator.]
Despite being promised a good time by her white friends who dragged her here, Coco felt a tinge of melancholy that had been with her, her entire life.
[woman.]
First, we're gonna have playtime and then snack time and then nap time.
Go play.
- Yeah! - [children cheering.]
Where's the rubber ducky? And some me time.
No, you take the ugly one.
- [Sam.]
Really, Coco? - What? You want to be a freedom fighter? Go ahead.
This may come as a shock to you, but these people don't give a fuck about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They spend millions of dollars on their lips, their tans, their asses, Kanye tickets because they want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
I'm not about to go out into the street and protest a fucking Halloween party.
[groans.]
[narrator.]
This perspective on race made the ideological chasm between Sam and Coco deeper than Thane's grave.
Too soon? [squeals.]
[gasps.]
Not that I base my sense of well-being on the male gaze.
But what, am I not pretty enough to get invited to a Pegasus party? Well, you know how I got in Brian.
He still feels guilty about giving you chlamyds? Who gave you the STD? Oh, me? I was just pretty enough.
The envy I feel will slowly eat me alive until there's nothing left but cashmere and bone.
- Oh, your goal weight.
- [cell phone chimes.]
Um, no, sorry.
Not responding to that text.
You've been way too available.
[Sam over radio.]
All right, y'all, you're listening to Dear White People with your girl Sam White.
Now, the station put baby in a corner for a minute, but she's back thanks to the following disclaimer.
[man.]
Trigger warning.
The following program deals with race relations and is meant purely for entertainment purposes.
[Sam.]
With that out the way, here's a little game I call "Woke or Not.
" Up first, Troy Fairbanks.
[Troy.]
Kurt Fletcher and Pastiche are ready to address the criticisms against them.
They're not responsible for the Dear Black People party.
We should move on if we're to heal.
[Sam.]
I say - [man yawns.]
- not woke.
Isn't she talking about your boo? Or is it "bae"? They're not offish.
[Sam.]
That's right.
Our leader Troy Fairbanks pardoned Kurt Fletcher and his clown confederacy.
So what are we gonna wear? I was thinking something very breast-forward.
[Sam.]
And speaking of sleepwalkers, we can't forget about one Colandrea Conners.
[Coco.]
These people don't give a fuck about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
Motherfucking Tubman Want lips, tans, asses Go ahead Motherfucking Tubman Want lips, tans, asses - [silverware clanks.]
- This bitch Auto-Tuned me? Motherfucking Tubman [chuckles.]
Oh, look, it's Coco and the marshmallows.
Normally, I wouldn't dignify your rants with a response, but today your entry-level black rage is particularly galling, Rosa Sparks.
Tell me is using your radio show to drag other black women part of your revolution? If it brings truth to the masses, yes.
I drags who needs dragging.
Imagine the reaction if your divisive revolutionary drivel were coming from the mouth of a real sister.
[laughs.]
A real sister? You get away with murder because you look more like them than I do.
That's your light-skin privilege.
Until you acknowledge that, shut the fuck up about who's woke or not.
[sighs.]
I thought she was gonna call Sam the N-word.
I can't believe you guys were ever friends.
[thunder rumbles.]
[chattering.]
No.
This has to be a mistake.
I-I requested Bechet or Waller or any house other than Armstrong-Parker.
I literally took a Sharpie and redacted it from the page.
Trust me, you'll love it or not.
Next.
[sighs.]
- Black person! - Hi.
Hi, I'm Samantha.
You got Armstrong-Parker, too? It seems that way.
Colandrea, but friends call me Coco.
Colandrea's so pretty, though.
[sighs.]
How are you not excited? Armstrong-Parker is like a mini Hillman College.
I don't know.
I was hoping to live somewhere where the guys wouldn't be like, "Yo, breezie, you kind of pretty for a dark-skinned girl," which is so sweet, very Pablo Neruda.
[laughs.]
Not sweeter than "zebra" or "half-breed," but sweet.
[inhales deeply.]
AP House is different.
- [thunder rumbles.]
- You're gonna love it, trust me.
Shit.
[sighs.]
Here you go.
Let's get you inside.
Can't let this beautiful chocolate melt in the rain.
I'm Troy.
And I basically grew up here, so if you need anything, I'm your man.
[Coco.]
What about Professor Jackson's lazy eye, though? I mean, I can never tell if he's looking me in the eyes or at my boobs.
- [Muffy.]
Oh, it's both.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
Thanks, Reggie, but I only live one flight up from you.
You really didn't have to walk me to my room.
Yeah, um, hey, is your laptop still giving you trouble? No, it's been working fine since you you know, you fixed it, so - Bye.
- Okay.
- Ow! - Uh, he's cute.
Totes cute! He's also totes avail, so you guys can toss a coin.
Oh, he's not exactly my type.
Oh, yeah? What is your type, Muffy? I'd say I'm a total Franco chaser.
You know, the chiseled, sandy hair.
- Mm-hmm.
- Goofy, but secret smart.
What's your type, Sam? Keep in mind, Malcolm X is dead, and DeRay McKesson is strictly dickly.
- [laughs.]
- Um I like my men like my coffee full-bodied and preferably with Kenyan origins.
Okay, can I ask a dumb white-girl question? Um, if I said I only dated white guys, that'd be racist, right? Uh, I'm sorry.
Is there a secret black Franco brother? - [laughing.]
- I'm just saying it's a type, not a rule.
Right, look, there are aspects of my experience that no matter how hard they try, a white guy could never understand.
Also, pink dicks just look weird to me.
All dicks look weird, though.
- [laughing.]
- Right? Drake could get it, though.
Oh, how about that Jesse Williams? Oh, he is such a hottie.
I nicknamed my vibrator Idris.
[laughing.]
[Sam.]
Dear white people, having a black vibrator does not count as an interracial relationship.
[laughs.]
"Dear white people," dating a black guy to piss off your parents doesn't make you down it makes you an asshole.
[laughs.]
Dear white people, no, you cannot take me home to meet your parents for Thanksgiving.
If you need a prop to prove how cultured you've become, get a handbag.
Oh, my God, tell me why Muffy invited me home the day after we met.
- Mm-mm.
That's your crew.
- [sighs.]
If eight years of private school taught me anything, it's that you got to join 'em early.
Besides, they mean well.
[laughs.]
Let you tell it.
I mean, how is Do the Right Thing not in the canon of film? Look at this.
David Lynch, Mike Nichols, Woody Allen, white, white, white.
This is bullshit.
Why are we at the reject table? I mean, it's almost Thanksgiving and still no burn from not one of these guys.
They're all too busy with their Alpha Delta Rhos.
Girl, relax, it ain't that deep.
These things just take time.
AP's a really inclusive place.
[tray thuds loudly.]
Excuse me, this table's reserved for the Black Student Union.
We were just leaving anyway.
Okay.
Bye.
What the fuck? What if I wanted to join them? Why do people always assume I'm not down? Dear half-white person, you're just not black enough for the Union.
- Tsk.
- [laughs.]
- Just kidding.
- [both laugh.]
Hey, are you around tonight? I feel like hate-watching Defamation.
Can't.
My girls and I are going to the Midsummer's Night Dream party.
Stop it.
That thing where the freshmen girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date-rape them? Waiting for a senior to kiss them.
You're confusing it with The Taming of the Shrew party.
That's next month.
[laughs.]
[pop music playing.]
Gloria Steinem would be rolling over in her grave if she saw us here.
Gloria Steinem isn't dead.
[sighs.]
Okay, well, what else were we supposed to do? Open-mic night? You want to play darts in the lounge? Everything we do is on the off chance it'll help us get laid by a guy who might make one of us First fucking Lady someday so we actually have a shot at leaving our mark on this ass-backwards, patriarchal, corporate republic we call a country.
I took 60 milligrams of Adderall, but I promise I'm gonna be fine.
I just I think my heart might explode.
Pull it together, Muffy.
- Okay.
- [man.]
Hey, you.
Let's go.
Muffy's a low-key freak, y'all.
Yeah, well, I'm a high-key freak, and I need to get some tonight.
And I broke Idris.
[laughs.]
[man.]
You waiting for me? Ready? [man.]
Hey.
Allow me.
Worst night ever.
I know.
It's on every network.
Wait, what? How is that possible? If you're just tuning in, again, there will be no indictments for Officer Stevens and Lieutenant Smith in the shooting death of 17-year-old Caleb Jones.
Now, Jones had been stopped by Stevens and Smith allegedly They can't keep doing this to us.
Turn that off.
How can you watch this shit? [man.]
As it turns out I know it's graphic, but we got to stay woke.
We can't put our heads in the sand.
I was born woke, Sam.
The shit I saw growing up In addition to that, the police chief, Peter Austin, now claiming that his officers found traces of marijuana in Jones' jeans pocket.
Of course they did.
And therefore he deserved to die.
I just can't.
[man continues speaking.]
[woman.]
I don't know, guys.
So what do you want to do? Boycott our classes, a hunger strike, a sit-in? These people have convinced themselves that a sleepover in the president's office is going to help Caleb Jones.
How do you know it won't? Uh Hey.
Hi.
I'm Sam.
A freshman.
Look, I know we all feel a little hopeless, at least I do.
I feel a million miles away from Caleb.
But, y'all, that could have been any of us.
These aren't freak incidents.
They happen way too often for us to not do more.
[fingers snapping.]
No matter their color, kids at Winchester don't think things like this have anything to do with them.
But we have a responsibility to make them see it does.
Maybe.
- [applause.]
- [clamoring.]
[Coco.]
It's still not gonna change anything.
[Sam.]
I wish you'd stop saying that.
[Karen.]
Sam, is it? Nice little speech.
And your hair, it's everything.
Where'd you get it? My head.
Bitch.
Mine too.
Obviously.
What's up, ladies? What's up, Karen? Fuckboys.
Am I right? - Everything you say is right.
- I guess.
So our Alpha Delta Rho informational is this week.
We're always looking for motivated, bright young ladies like yourselves.
So better see you bad chicas there.
Sounds good.
Thanks for the invite.
Sure thing.
We'll be there.
We will not be there.
[gasps.]
Bitch, we're going.
You're better than this.
I am not.
What I am is horny as fuck and too cute to be this pressed.
- Did you see Troy? - You mean Clarence Thomas? He was under her spell.
Whatever baby-nectar voodoo shit the Alpha Deltas are drinking, I want it.
Can I throw shade the entire time? You can shade.
You cannot read.
Deal.
[squeals.]
Thank you, thank you.
- [kissing.]
- Oh, oh.
Now we got to do something about this.
Ooh! Afro puffs.
That wasn't a "no.
" Ow.
Is this really what you want to do? [moans.]
Beauty is pain.
Do you guys know what you're doing? Providing a public service.
Where else you gonna get your hair did around here? Yeah, black hair matters.
What are your majors? Neurobiology.
- And yours, Tanika? - [coughs.]
Tanika dropped out last semester and won't leave.
- Ain't nobody talking to you, Abigail.
- [Coco moans.]
Two words traction alopecia.
Sam, I love you, but this weave is going to change my life.
[voice breaking.]
Now shut up and hand me an Advil.
Ow.
Ow ow, ow, ow, ow.
[inhales sharply.]
[exhales deeply.]
Oh, you think this is funny, bitch? No, no.
[laughs.]
A little.
That Advil didn't work.
You think I'll overdose if I take the whole bottle? I look too cute to die tonight.
[groans.]
[exhales deeply.]
[inhales deeply.]
Oh, yeah.
Here hit this.
What is this? This is Goldie.
Goldie, meet Coco.
This is the answer to all of your weave-related ailments.
From me to my best friend.
Girl, who sold you this? I don't feel anything.
I feel everything.
[sighs happily.]
[breathes deeply.]
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
This feels so good.
[laughs.]
Shh.
Keep it down.
People gonna think we're scissor sisters.
Mmm.
[laughs.]
Wait, what have you heard? [laughing.]
The extraordinary women of the Xi Lambda Chapter of Alpha Delta Rho Sorority Incorporated aspire to have a positive impact on local low-income communities through tutoring, food banks and clothing drives.
You see, what we want to do You know the BSU does the same things, and we don't adhere to regressive gender roles.
[whispering.]
The library's closed.
Shade only.
Oh, look to serve the community with these girls, you only need to pay them a $1,500 initiation fee.
And what's the fee to get you to shut the fuck up? Okay, we got to go in, and we got to hit hard.
You are the sorriest bunch of pledges, I swear.
And you I gave you one job.
What's listed for Coleman Lounge for this Sunday at 3:00 p.
m.
? BSU fund-raiser.
Shit, I made the request for Coleman Hall not Coleman Lounge.
Don't worry, Big Sister Too Fabulous, I'll get it fixed.
You're damn right you will.
Sam, I need your help.
Did you book Coleman Lounge for BSU? Yeah, we're raising money for Caleb Jones' family.
I was supposed to reserve it for the Alpha Delta Sassy but Classy Etiquette Tea, but I fucked up and "Sassy but Classy"? That is a terrible name.
Could you possibly find another venue? We've already sold a bunch of tickets.
And this is kind of my big project.
Can't you have your sass-tea somewhere else? Sassy but Classy.
Look, the BSU wants to make a difference.
We care about things like that.
[Coco.]
Oh, we do? Because not that long ago, BSU didn't want you at their table.
[sighs.]
You know what? I'm just trying to wake this campus up.
Sweets, the oppressed do not get their freedom by appealing to the morality of their oppressor.
Ever think of that? Assata Shakur did, so boom.
Don't Assata Shakur me.
I told you about Assata Shakur.
And what would she say about you overdrawing your bank account for a weave? You have a rat's nest on your head with a comb sticking out of it, running around campus trying to be Miss Blackety Black-Black.
I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange something that says, "I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.
" Dear white people, let me tell you about yourselves when I don't even know who the hell I am.
Oh, I don't know who I am, Colandrea? No, you don't, but I do.
You're the girl who didn't learn she was black until Beth Wheeler left you out of her second-grade sleepover 'cause you'd be "the only one.
" That is the last time I share a personal story with you.
Well, you see, with me, there is no confusion.
People take one look at my skin, and they assume that I'm poor or uneducated or ratchet.
So, yeah, I tone it down, make myself more palatable, join a sorority.
What's so wrong with that? [scoffs.]
Everything.
Dear white people, you made me hate myself as a kid, so now I hate you, and that's my secret shame.
Dear white people, if you wanted to demoralize us with your European beauty standards, mission accomplished.
Ooh, ow, ooh, ow.
Dear white people, you're a selfish bitch, and I don't want to live with you anymore.
[cell phone ringing.]
[sighs.]
Greetings, Big Sister Too Fabulous.
No man can resist you.
How may I assist you? Of course.
I'll see you in two shakes.
"Of course.
I'll see you in two shakes.
" [Karen.]
She gots all the hair.
[Tracey.]
Miss Chicago, queen of Hyde Park.
[Karen.]
She told me she was from Evanston.
[scoffs.]
She just gets farther and farther north.
She gonna be Canadian by Christmas.
[Elizabeth.]
I wish we had gotten that chick Sam.
That girl's gonna change the world.
[Karen.]
Mm, yes.
- [laughing.]
- I know, right? - [items clatter.]
- Sisterhood, huh? Tracey, you got an 850 on your SATs.
If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines.
Elizabeth, your underarms are not your strong suit, and Mike dumped you 'cause you smell like slave socks.
And, Karen, you're a fucking slut.
You fuck so many horny freshmen your pussy's got a four-star rating on Yelp.
And you can have this back 'cause I damn sure don't need it.
And I'm taking this 'cause laundry detergent costs a grip.
[scoffs.]
[chattering.]
[Sam.]
Now, I know it sounds extreme, but my thinking is we should go to the office and we should [grunts.]
bang the door down.
[chattering continues.]
[hip-hop music playing.]
This place is so VIP.
It feels like any moment, they're gonna tell us what actually happened to JFK.
I've always wondered how the 1%'s offspring amuse themselves.
Oh, well, the guys, they they invent these secret clubs, and then they host hot girls like us in their mansions so they can do cocaine and make flimsy promises.
- Mm.
- Oh, I'm having the best time.
- [chuckles.]
- [mouths word.]
I almost panicked.
I thought the two prettiest girls left the party.
Yeah, the hot quotient dropped by 12 the second you guys disappeared.
- Oh, Chad, you're incorrigible.
- Thank you so much.
[Karen.]
Hey, Coco.
Hey, gorgeous.
Coco, get us in.
Who is that? Only the head of the biggest black sorority on campus.
I can't believe she can't get in.
Karen, I'll be right down.
[Karen.]
Coco, I'm so glad you're here.
This guy acts like he doesn't know who I am.
Well, do you know these girls? I do! - [door slams.]
- [gasps.]
- Oh.
- What? - [sighs.]
- [Muffy.]
Are you okay? [inhales deeply.]
I just had my first powergasm.
Would you like to have your second? Oh, okay, how about another drink? [cell phone buzzes.]
[heels clomping.]
Um No, um not while I'm standing here.
"It's my 'light-skinned privilege' to give you this peace offering.
Sam.
" What'd you ever see in Sam? [kissing.]
Fat ass.
I'm kidding.
This is why I don't fuck with niggas.
You're so quick to claim girls like Sam, but then you hit me with a "come thru.
" To think I turned down Chad Townsend V.
He's a fifth.
Girl, who the fuck is Chad Townsend? I'm not this girl, Troy.
Bye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why don't you come with me to the football game on Saturday? President Fletcher will be there, and my dad thinks I should show face.
So will you come? I don't know.
Will I? Hold me close I'm wasting away Hold me close I'm too fucked to stand ["Precious Possession" playing.]
Mmm.
Blank slate, big smile Nice pout, long hair Toned thighs, big legs Full breasts, blank stare I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection
[narrator.]
Thane Lockwood, a son, a brother, possibly a father DNA tests are still out.
As the star running back for the mighty Griffins, he holds records for the most yards rushed and the lowest GPA of any student ever admitted to Winchester.
He was also known for his penchant for flight.
[crowd chanting.]
Thane! Thane! Thane! Thane! [hip-hop music playing.]
[Thane.]
Whoo! [cheering.]
Ooh, look at you.
Must you? How did you get the color so even? [gasps.]
Oh.
[laughs.]
[narrator.]
Despite being promised a good time by her white friends who dragged her here, Coco felt a tinge of melancholy that had been with her, her entire life.
[woman.]
First, we're gonna have playtime and then snack time and then nap time.
Go play.
- Yeah! - [children cheering.]
Where's the rubber ducky? And some me time.
No, you take the ugly one.
- [Sam.]
Really, Coco? - What? You want to be a freedom fighter? Go ahead.
This may come as a shock to you, but these people don't give a fuck about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
They spend millions of dollars on their lips, their tans, their asses, Kanye tickets because they want to be like us.
And they got to be for a night.
I'm not about to go out into the street and protest a fucking Halloween party.
[groans.]
[narrator.]
This perspective on race made the ideological chasm between Sam and Coco deeper than Thane's grave.
Too soon? [squeals.]
[gasps.]
Not that I base my sense of well-being on the male gaze.
But what, am I not pretty enough to get invited to a Pegasus party? Well, you know how I got in Brian.
He still feels guilty about giving you chlamyds? Who gave you the STD? Oh, me? I was just pretty enough.
The envy I feel will slowly eat me alive until there's nothing left but cashmere and bone.
- Oh, your goal weight.
- [cell phone chimes.]
Um, no, sorry.
Not responding to that text.
You've been way too available.
[Sam over radio.]
All right, y'all, you're listening to Dear White People with your girl Sam White.
Now, the station put baby in a corner for a minute, but she's back thanks to the following disclaimer.
[man.]
Trigger warning.
The following program deals with race relations and is meant purely for entertainment purposes.
[Sam.]
With that out the way, here's a little game I call "Woke or Not.
" Up first, Troy Fairbanks.
[Troy.]
Kurt Fletcher and Pastiche are ready to address the criticisms against them.
They're not responsible for the Dear Black People party.
We should move on if we're to heal.
[Sam.]
I say - [man yawns.]
- not woke.
Isn't she talking about your boo? Or is it "bae"? They're not offish.
[Sam.]
That's right.
Our leader Troy Fairbanks pardoned Kurt Fletcher and his clown confederacy.
So what are we gonna wear? I was thinking something very breast-forward.
[Sam.]
And speaking of sleepwalkers, we can't forget about one Colandrea Conners.
[Coco.]
These people don't give a fuck about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.
Motherfucking Tubman Want lips, tans, asses Go ahead Motherfucking Tubman Want lips, tans, asses - [silverware clanks.]
- This bitch Auto-Tuned me? Motherfucking Tubman [chuckles.]
Oh, look, it's Coco and the marshmallows.
Normally, I wouldn't dignify your rants with a response, but today your entry-level black rage is particularly galling, Rosa Sparks.
Tell me is using your radio show to drag other black women part of your revolution? If it brings truth to the masses, yes.
I drags who needs dragging.
Imagine the reaction if your divisive revolutionary drivel were coming from the mouth of a real sister.
[laughs.]
A real sister? You get away with murder because you look more like them than I do.
That's your light-skin privilege.
Until you acknowledge that, shut the fuck up about who's woke or not.
[sighs.]
I thought she was gonna call Sam the N-word.
I can't believe you guys were ever friends.
[thunder rumbles.]
[chattering.]
No.
This has to be a mistake.
I-I requested Bechet or Waller or any house other than Armstrong-Parker.
I literally took a Sharpie and redacted it from the page.
Trust me, you'll love it or not.
Next.
[sighs.]
- Black person! - Hi.
Hi, I'm Samantha.
You got Armstrong-Parker, too? It seems that way.
Colandrea, but friends call me Coco.
Colandrea's so pretty, though.
[sighs.]
How are you not excited? Armstrong-Parker is like a mini Hillman College.
I don't know.
I was hoping to live somewhere where the guys wouldn't be like, "Yo, breezie, you kind of pretty for a dark-skinned girl," which is so sweet, very Pablo Neruda.
[laughs.]
Not sweeter than "zebra" or "half-breed," but sweet.
[inhales deeply.]
AP House is different.
- [thunder rumbles.]
- You're gonna love it, trust me.
Shit.
[sighs.]
Here you go.
Let's get you inside.
Can't let this beautiful chocolate melt in the rain.
I'm Troy.
And I basically grew up here, so if you need anything, I'm your man.
[Coco.]
What about Professor Jackson's lazy eye, though? I mean, I can never tell if he's looking me in the eyes or at my boobs.
- [Muffy.]
Oh, it's both.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
Thanks, Reggie, but I only live one flight up from you.
You really didn't have to walk me to my room.
Yeah, um, hey, is your laptop still giving you trouble? No, it's been working fine since you you know, you fixed it, so - Bye.
- Okay.
- Ow! - Uh, he's cute.
Totes cute! He's also totes avail, so you guys can toss a coin.
Oh, he's not exactly my type.
Oh, yeah? What is your type, Muffy? I'd say I'm a total Franco chaser.
You know, the chiseled, sandy hair.
- Mm-hmm.
- Goofy, but secret smart.
What's your type, Sam? Keep in mind, Malcolm X is dead, and DeRay McKesson is strictly dickly.
- [laughs.]
- Um I like my men like my coffee full-bodied and preferably with Kenyan origins.
Okay, can I ask a dumb white-girl question? Um, if I said I only dated white guys, that'd be racist, right? Uh, I'm sorry.
Is there a secret black Franco brother? - [laughing.]
- I'm just saying it's a type, not a rule.
Right, look, there are aspects of my experience that no matter how hard they try, a white guy could never understand.
Also, pink dicks just look weird to me.
All dicks look weird, though.
- [laughing.]
- Right? Drake could get it, though.
Oh, how about that Jesse Williams? Oh, he is such a hottie.
I nicknamed my vibrator Idris.
[laughing.]
[Sam.]
Dear white people, having a black vibrator does not count as an interracial relationship.
[laughs.]
"Dear white people," dating a black guy to piss off your parents doesn't make you down it makes you an asshole.
[laughs.]
Dear white people, no, you cannot take me home to meet your parents for Thanksgiving.
If you need a prop to prove how cultured you've become, get a handbag.
Oh, my God, tell me why Muffy invited me home the day after we met.
- Mm-mm.
That's your crew.
- [sighs.]
If eight years of private school taught me anything, it's that you got to join 'em early.
Besides, they mean well.
[laughs.]
Let you tell it.
I mean, how is Do the Right Thing not in the canon of film? Look at this.
David Lynch, Mike Nichols, Woody Allen, white, white, white.
This is bullshit.
Why are we at the reject table? I mean, it's almost Thanksgiving and still no burn from not one of these guys.
They're all too busy with their Alpha Delta Rhos.
Girl, relax, it ain't that deep.
These things just take time.
AP's a really inclusive place.
[tray thuds loudly.]
Excuse me, this table's reserved for the Black Student Union.
We were just leaving anyway.
Okay.
Bye.
What the fuck? What if I wanted to join them? Why do people always assume I'm not down? Dear half-white person, you're just not black enough for the Union.
- Tsk.
- [laughs.]
- Just kidding.
- [both laugh.]
Hey, are you around tonight? I feel like hate-watching Defamation.
Can't.
My girls and I are going to the Midsummer's Night Dream party.
Stop it.
That thing where the freshmen girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date-rape them? Waiting for a senior to kiss them.
You're confusing it with The Taming of the Shrew party.
That's next month.
[laughs.]
[pop music playing.]
Gloria Steinem would be rolling over in her grave if she saw us here.
Gloria Steinem isn't dead.
[sighs.]
Okay, well, what else were we supposed to do? Open-mic night? You want to play darts in the lounge? Everything we do is on the off chance it'll help us get laid by a guy who might make one of us First fucking Lady someday so we actually have a shot at leaving our mark on this ass-backwards, patriarchal, corporate republic we call a country.
I took 60 milligrams of Adderall, but I promise I'm gonna be fine.
I just I think my heart might explode.
Pull it together, Muffy.
- Okay.
- [man.]
Hey, you.
Let's go.
Muffy's a low-key freak, y'all.
Yeah, well, I'm a high-key freak, and I need to get some tonight.
And I broke Idris.
[laughs.]
[man.]
You waiting for me? Ready? [man.]
Hey.
Allow me.
Worst night ever.
I know.
It's on every network.
Wait, what? How is that possible? If you're just tuning in, again, there will be no indictments for Officer Stevens and Lieutenant Smith in the shooting death of 17-year-old Caleb Jones.
Now, Jones had been stopped by Stevens and Smith allegedly They can't keep doing this to us.
Turn that off.
How can you watch this shit? [man.]
As it turns out I know it's graphic, but we got to stay woke.
We can't put our heads in the sand.
I was born woke, Sam.
The shit I saw growing up In addition to that, the police chief, Peter Austin, now claiming that his officers found traces of marijuana in Jones' jeans pocket.
Of course they did.
And therefore he deserved to die.
I just can't.
[man continues speaking.]
[woman.]
I don't know, guys.
So what do you want to do? Boycott our classes, a hunger strike, a sit-in? These people have convinced themselves that a sleepover in the president's office is going to help Caleb Jones.
How do you know it won't? Uh Hey.
Hi.
I'm Sam.
A freshman.
Look, I know we all feel a little hopeless, at least I do.
I feel a million miles away from Caleb.
But, y'all, that could have been any of us.
These aren't freak incidents.
They happen way too often for us to not do more.
[fingers snapping.]
No matter their color, kids at Winchester don't think things like this have anything to do with them.
But we have a responsibility to make them see it does.
Maybe.
- [applause.]
- [clamoring.]
[Coco.]
It's still not gonna change anything.
[Sam.]
I wish you'd stop saying that.
[Karen.]
Sam, is it? Nice little speech.
And your hair, it's everything.
Where'd you get it? My head.
Bitch.
Mine too.
Obviously.
What's up, ladies? What's up, Karen? Fuckboys.
Am I right? - Everything you say is right.
- I guess.
So our Alpha Delta Rho informational is this week.
We're always looking for motivated, bright young ladies like yourselves.
So better see you bad chicas there.
Sounds good.
Thanks for the invite.
Sure thing.
We'll be there.
We will not be there.
[gasps.]
Bitch, we're going.
You're better than this.
I am not.
What I am is horny as fuck and too cute to be this pressed.
- Did you see Troy? - You mean Clarence Thomas? He was under her spell.
Whatever baby-nectar voodoo shit the Alpha Deltas are drinking, I want it.
Can I throw shade the entire time? You can shade.
You cannot read.
Deal.
[squeals.]
Thank you, thank you.
- [kissing.]
- Oh, oh.
Now we got to do something about this.
Ooh! Afro puffs.
That wasn't a "no.
" Ow.
Is this really what you want to do? [moans.]
Beauty is pain.
Do you guys know what you're doing? Providing a public service.
Where else you gonna get your hair did around here? Yeah, black hair matters.
What are your majors? Neurobiology.
- And yours, Tanika? - [coughs.]
Tanika dropped out last semester and won't leave.
- Ain't nobody talking to you, Abigail.
- [Coco moans.]
Two words traction alopecia.
Sam, I love you, but this weave is going to change my life.
[voice breaking.]
Now shut up and hand me an Advil.
Ow.
Ow ow, ow, ow, ow.
[inhales sharply.]
[exhales deeply.]
Oh, you think this is funny, bitch? No, no.
[laughs.]
A little.
That Advil didn't work.
You think I'll overdose if I take the whole bottle? I look too cute to die tonight.
[groans.]
[exhales deeply.]
[inhales deeply.]
Oh, yeah.
Here hit this.
What is this? This is Goldie.
Goldie, meet Coco.
This is the answer to all of your weave-related ailments.
From me to my best friend.
Girl, who sold you this? I don't feel anything.
I feel everything.
[sighs happily.]
[breathes deeply.]
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
This feels so good.
[laughs.]
Shh.
Keep it down.
People gonna think we're scissor sisters.
Mmm.
[laughs.]
Wait, what have you heard? [laughing.]
The extraordinary women of the Xi Lambda Chapter of Alpha Delta Rho Sorority Incorporated aspire to have a positive impact on local low-income communities through tutoring, food banks and clothing drives.
You see, what we want to do You know the BSU does the same things, and we don't adhere to regressive gender roles.
[whispering.]
The library's closed.
Shade only.
Oh, look to serve the community with these girls, you only need to pay them a $1,500 initiation fee.
And what's the fee to get you to shut the fuck up? Okay, we got to go in, and we got to hit hard.
You are the sorriest bunch of pledges, I swear.
And you I gave you one job.
What's listed for Coleman Lounge for this Sunday at 3:00 p.
m.
? BSU fund-raiser.
Shit, I made the request for Coleman Hall not Coleman Lounge.
Don't worry, Big Sister Too Fabulous, I'll get it fixed.
You're damn right you will.
Sam, I need your help.
Did you book Coleman Lounge for BSU? Yeah, we're raising money for Caleb Jones' family.
I was supposed to reserve it for the Alpha Delta Sassy but Classy Etiquette Tea, but I fucked up and "Sassy but Classy"? That is a terrible name.
Could you possibly find another venue? We've already sold a bunch of tickets.
And this is kind of my big project.
Can't you have your sass-tea somewhere else? Sassy but Classy.
Look, the BSU wants to make a difference.
We care about things like that.
[Coco.]
Oh, we do? Because not that long ago, BSU didn't want you at their table.
[sighs.]
You know what? I'm just trying to wake this campus up.
Sweets, the oppressed do not get their freedom by appealing to the morality of their oppressor.
Ever think of that? Assata Shakur did, so boom.
Don't Assata Shakur me.
I told you about Assata Shakur.
And what would she say about you overdrawing your bank account for a weave? You have a rat's nest on your head with a comb sticking out of it, running around campus trying to be Miss Blackety Black-Black.
I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange something that says, "I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.
" Dear white people, let me tell you about yourselves when I don't even know who the hell I am.
Oh, I don't know who I am, Colandrea? No, you don't, but I do.
You're the girl who didn't learn she was black until Beth Wheeler left you out of her second-grade sleepover 'cause you'd be "the only one.
" That is the last time I share a personal story with you.
Well, you see, with me, there is no confusion.
People take one look at my skin, and they assume that I'm poor or uneducated or ratchet.
So, yeah, I tone it down, make myself more palatable, join a sorority.
What's so wrong with that? [scoffs.]
Everything.
Dear white people, you made me hate myself as a kid, so now I hate you, and that's my secret shame.
Dear white people, if you wanted to demoralize us with your European beauty standards, mission accomplished.
Ooh, ow, ooh, ow.
Dear white people, you're a selfish bitch, and I don't want to live with you anymore.
[cell phone ringing.]
[sighs.]
Greetings, Big Sister Too Fabulous.
No man can resist you.
How may I assist you? Of course.
I'll see you in two shakes.
"Of course.
I'll see you in two shakes.
" [Karen.]
She gots all the hair.
[Tracey.]
Miss Chicago, queen of Hyde Park.
[Karen.]
She told me she was from Evanston.
[scoffs.]
She just gets farther and farther north.
She gonna be Canadian by Christmas.
[Elizabeth.]
I wish we had gotten that chick Sam.
That girl's gonna change the world.
[Karen.]
Mm, yes.
- [laughing.]
- I know, right? - [items clatter.]
- Sisterhood, huh? Tracey, you got an 850 on your SATs.
If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines.
Elizabeth, your underarms are not your strong suit, and Mike dumped you 'cause you smell like slave socks.
And, Karen, you're a fucking slut.
You fuck so many horny freshmen your pussy's got a four-star rating on Yelp.
And you can have this back 'cause I damn sure don't need it.
And I'm taking this 'cause laundry detergent costs a grip.
[scoffs.]
[chattering.]
[Sam.]
Now, I know it sounds extreme, but my thinking is we should go to the office and we should [grunts.]
bang the door down.
[chattering continues.]
[hip-hop music playing.]
This place is so VIP.
It feels like any moment, they're gonna tell us what actually happened to JFK.
I've always wondered how the 1%'s offspring amuse themselves.
Oh, well, the guys, they they invent these secret clubs, and then they host hot girls like us in their mansions so they can do cocaine and make flimsy promises.
- Mm.
- Oh, I'm having the best time.
- [chuckles.]
- [mouths word.]
I almost panicked.
I thought the two prettiest girls left the party.
Yeah, the hot quotient dropped by 12 the second you guys disappeared.
- Oh, Chad, you're incorrigible.
- Thank you so much.
[Karen.]
Hey, Coco.
Hey, gorgeous.
Coco, get us in.
Who is that? Only the head of the biggest black sorority on campus.
I can't believe she can't get in.
Karen, I'll be right down.
[Karen.]
Coco, I'm so glad you're here.
This guy acts like he doesn't know who I am.
Well, do you know these girls? I do! - [door slams.]
- [gasps.]
- Oh.
- What? - [sighs.]
- [Muffy.]
Are you okay? [inhales deeply.]
I just had my first powergasm.
Would you like to have your second? Oh, okay, how about another drink? [cell phone buzzes.]
[heels clomping.]
Um No, um not while I'm standing here.
"It's my 'light-skinned privilege' to give you this peace offering.
Sam.
" What'd you ever see in Sam? [kissing.]
Fat ass.
I'm kidding.
This is why I don't fuck with niggas.
You're so quick to claim girls like Sam, but then you hit me with a "come thru.
" To think I turned down Chad Townsend V.
He's a fifth.
Girl, who the fuck is Chad Townsend? I'm not this girl, Troy.
Bye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why don't you come with me to the football game on Saturday? President Fletcher will be there, and my dad thinks I should show face.
So will you come? I don't know.
Will I? Hold me close I'm wasting away Hold me close I'm too fucked to stand ["Precious Possession" playing.]
Mmm.
Blank slate, big smile Nice pout, long hair Toned thighs, big legs Full breasts, blank stare I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession I'm addicted to myself I'm addicted to my wealth And lying to myself I am your precious possession Put your hands on my face Put your hands on my waist Put your hands on my face I need your protection