Dear White People (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 [narrator.]
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced," a James Baldwin quote Reggie Green's father often imparted to his son.
Reggie heard the message loud and clear.
Hey, see you at practice tomorrow.
Uh, I'm not on your team, Coach.
[man laughs.]
Good one, Marcus.
[man.]
Despite the divisive hashtags that would have you believe otherwise, our great nation is built on that most famous of declarations: "All men are created equal.
" [Sam.]
Equal? You could only vote if you owned land and didn't have a vagina.
[man.]
Well, uh [narrator.]
She had him at "vagina.
" Reggie, often a lone soldier on campus, had finally found his comrade-in-arms.
[camera shutter clicking.]
[narrator.]
As the outrage over the blackface party gave way to campus-wide apathy, Reggie found himself looking for ways to reignite the revolution.
[narrator.]
What Reggie didn't realize was the revolution would find him.
So a student's picture pops up, Coco Conners.
[all.]
Not woke.
[beeps.]
Woke.
[beeps.]
- [both.]
Woke.
- Cosby.
- [gasps.]
Okay.
- Mm-hmm, I'm sorry.
Lady McRib.
Really? Now look.
The entire campus ranked by whether they is woke or not woke.
Your boy's number four, for now, but once this blows up, Sam, you better watch yo back.
- [laughing.]
- Mm, you mad scientist.
This is based on my last Dear White People rant.
You Steve Jobs'd me.
I Steve Jobs'd you.
- [all laugh.]
- Yo, Steve Jobs was a monster who used Chinese slave labor to make his products.
[cell phone ringing.]
What? Those kids make a fantastic phone.
- [laughing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
[Al.]
Hey, who that, Sam? - Mm.
- Ooh, that's white bae.
- [Joelle.]
Nuh.
- [Al.]
What y'all finna do? Go on a hike just for the Instagrams? - Play hacky sack? - Open an Etsy shop - like that's a real job? - [laughing.]
Wow, I'm really sad I have to go too, assholes.
Wait.
I love/hate your shirt.
Well, what's to hate? I can't wear it.
I have cream.
[laughs.]
Bitch, get out of here.
- [chuckles.]
- [Joelle.]
Bye.
- Have fun being booed up, girl.
- Thank you.
Reggie, you're a genius.
- I know.
- [Al.]
Bye, Sam.
[Sam.]
Bye, Al.
All right, y'all, who do we get this "Woke or Not" app to, to make it a thing? The revolution is running on embers.
It's Saturday, Reggie.
The revolution can wait.
I heard the ASU's having a cook-in.
Hard pass.
People have completely forgotten about this blackface party.
The whole thing, it's like they just [Joelle.]
Reggie.
Sometimes being carefree and black is an act of revolution.
She's right, man.
Saturday's a day of rest.
You ain't Jewish, man.
You don't know my life.
But you let the ladies walk all over you.
Why? Because you know your mama didn't love you.
What we need now is a man.
That's what the ladies want, and that's what the mama in your heart wants.
[music playing on TV.]
I've been an author, psychic, Yelp reviewer, bus driver, former Yelp reviewer who got banned for using too many obscenities in a review for a children's theater, and a reader of half of one of Iyanla Vanzant's books.
I've done the work, and for some reason, these people have given me a show to help you do yours.
[sighs.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Reg.
Were you watching TV while the revolution dies? Sorry.
Dereca got me caught up.
- Dereca's a hot mess.
- [laughs.]
God, I want her to set me straight.
Shasta.
Pulled out all the stops.
[barking.]
Sorbet, did you make some new friends? [giggles.]
Aww, this is Sorbet, and she's so glad you were able to make it to our little cook-in.
Well, we wanted to have a cookout, but real grills are banned on campus.
- Like dogs, right? - Technically, yes.
But after the blackface party, I was so traumatized.
I mean, racism here? I still can't believe it.
No one could have seen it coming.
I thought President Obama fixed all that.
I know, so I went to the campus psychiatrist, and I told him that I'd kill myself if I could not have a support animal, and they let me get one.
[laughs.]
Well, you're the real hero, Kelsey.
Aw, Al.
Thank you.
Would you guys like a veggie dog? - No.
- Hell no.
- [Sorbet barks.]
- Sorbet, come back here.
No! - [chuckles.]
She's something else.
- Ugh.
That girl.
All right, what They made free food bad.
Fuck these guys.
- French exit? - [Reggie.]
Wait.
Wannabe pastor Kordell got the homie hemmed up.
And if you think about it, Rashid, Africa owes a lot to Christian missionaries.
- If they hadn't brought Jesus - I love the Lord, but Pastor Kordell be doing the most.
- He's in me? - He's in you right now.
- So that mean I'm Jesus.
- You're Jesus-like.
- We're all Jesus-like - Rashid.
Thank God I found you.
I just got a call about your mom.
It's bad.
We gotta go right now.
Is she okay? No, we cannot talk about this right now.
We should leave right now for this very real emergency.
We'll pray for her, man.
Right now.
Give me your hand.
Jesus, bless this grape soda as we take this as your blood - Was the mom thing too much? - No, that was fine.
My mom died when I was very young, so I knew she was not on the phone.
What a fool that man was.
- Well, good, I guess.
- [laughing.]
Hey, y'all wanna go to a tailgating party? - It's free.
- It's only free 'cause they suck.
We boring you, Reg? Who goes to the botanical gardens? It's like a fucking zoo for plants.
Are you cyberstalking Sam and her new love interest? Nah, man.
I'm just looking at this horrible audio lag - Thane forever, man! - [gasps.]
I could fix this bullshit in ten minutes.
[Joelle.]
Sure, you're definitely upset exclusively about that and not about that video of Sam and Gabe.
[Reggie.]
Shit just popped up.
Couldn't give a fuck what they thinkin'.
So we're all cool with Sam dating - a Abercrombie model? - [sighs.]
I mean, you two practically share panties, Jo.
- What's your take? - [laughs.]
I mean, Sam's my girl.
If she likes it, I love it.
You know that shit is weird.
I was surprised at first.
I admit.
I mean, I'm not sure I could let a white man colonize my body, and I never thought Sam would either.
So do you feel personally betrayed? No.
I mean, it's complicated.
I know the heart wants what it wants, and we're all one and all that shit, but how many times we've had the narrative that black men aren't good enough and that we need a white savior? I mean, I can't help but feel a little Disappointed.
- I didn't say that.
- Didn't have to.
Tell you one thing.
I plan to marry me a dark-skinned sister.
Have the ashiest, blackest babies possible.
- [laughing.]
- Won't catch me in these streets - with a white V.
- Well, I can say, having conducted multiple blind taste tests, you can't tell a white pussy from a black one.
Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls.
What is this about? [both.]
Anal.
- [all.]
To Thane! - [cheering.]
They forgot "student most likely to pass out drunk - in a public fountain.
" - [chuckles.]
Not feeling the school spirit, Reg? Nah, not really.
Football is the only time a black face gets celebrated on this campus.
Never mind their brain slowly getting pounded into mush.
Right, my brother.
Furthermore, these burgers come from cows that were packed in pens same way we was packed into slave ships.
They want us to eat our ancestors.
No, that's not how Reggie talks.
It's more like "Weed is a tool of the government - Mm.
- [Joelle.]
to anesthetize black minds into complacency.
" Oh, oh.
My name is Reggie, and 9/11 was a inside job.
- [laughing.]
- Fuck y'all, man.
[Reggie.]
It was.
What's up? You guys talking shit about everyone? No, just me.
Damn, 'cause, you know, present company excluded, I hate everyone else here.
One, I'm obsessed with you.
Deal with it.
Two, who are you? I'm the girl you guys are gonna share your weed with.
Ikumi, your new catchall Asian friend.
- All right.
- Okay, girl.
Yes.
- My people.
- [laughing.]
[Troy.]
Hey, nice app, Reggie.
Thanks.
Glad you like it.
- What, so I'm not woke? - [Reggie.]
So say the people.
Maybe because you betrayed us for your buddy Kurt.
He's doing his best.
How about you do something productive, instead of trying to make a Wokémon Go? - It's actually a solid name.
- We will catch them all.
No, don't try to pun your way out of this conflict.
- We're upset.
- Feel free to register your complaints in the comment section.
- [Al.]
Excuse us.
- [Rashid laughing.]
[Reggie.]
Clarence Thomas pumpkin pie eating motherfucker.
- [all laugh.]
- [Ikumi.]
Are we really gonna stay and watch these losers play? Can't we go see a movie or something? [Joelle.]
Yes, movie or something.
[exhales sharply.]
Man, I am not about this long line life.
Hey, is that Lionel? Or a really skinny lesbian? - [Reggie.]
Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, Lionel.
Thanks for holding a spot for us.
Oh, hey, guys.
I've been waiting here for you, my friends.
- In fact, I was texting you - You can stop talking now.
- No one is listening.
- What you seeing? Crayons: The Movie.
No, your black ass isn't.
I hear it's delightful.
Ooh, how about Oh, No She Didn't? That cannot be a real movie.
[groans.]
How many times did they have to use "get her off" as a double entendre? We get it.
They worked at a law firm - and they had sex.
- Those were our choices.
Cheap urban drama or tragedy porn.
Man, we could have watched porn? And when they do accidentally give us a quality movie, they think that gives them a pass to double down on this shit.
Classic moral license.
Like with Tarantino.
Just because he let Jamie Foxx kill a bunch of racists in Django, he thinks he can parade around every painful historical black stereotype.
And we gave him a NAACP Image Award for that shit.
Swear to God, he gets off on putting Sam Jackson in his movies just so all the white characters can call him "nigger" - for three hours.
- Hard R too.
Yeah, must really suck to only have two movies this month with people that look like you.
Try having the same two options since 2000.
All I got is The Joy Luck Club and Crouching Tiger.
And kind of Kung Fu Panda.
I like you, but fuck you.
You do realize all we do is complain about things.
It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage.
I know so much about what you don't like.
What do you all like, eh? - Breakfast for dinner? - Waller House has breakfast for dinner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Omelets, things like that.
A good scramble, maybe avocado.
- Get it, get it.
- Yeah.
See? We like stuff.
I am going back to Kenya.
- [Al.]
Rashid.
- [Joelle.]
Ah, come on, 'Shid.
- You going the wrong way.
- To the left.
- This way? - [Joelle.]
Yes.
- Okay.
- [Joelle.]
He'll be back.
[chattering.]
[Al.]
A little a little fruit salad.
[Lionel.]
Whoever decided pancakes had to be confined - to certain hours? - [Rashid.]
Whoever it was, that person is a piece of shit.
Ah, you are rubbing off on me, yo.
Al, just let him be African today.
- Okay? - Hey, everyone on Yik Yak's talking about some party tonight.
It says lots of booze and a great playlist.
How can y'all party when there's shit like this going on? "Make Campus Safe Again"? From who? Y'all know who they're talking about.
We need to wake this campus up.
Yeah, but when you say "we," we're not the "we" you're talking about.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you've been checking your Snapchat all day.
Look, she's with Gabe.
She said it on the fucking radio.
- Deal with it.
- Who wants bacon? I do.
Sorry.
You just seemed so stressed, and I thought maybe I could make you smile again the way she does, but - that was stupid, so - Nah, nah, nah, nah.
You're right.
I needed a distraction, so thank you for dragging me out of my rut.
What do you say we honor Thane by doing what he did best? Yep.
Let's get white girl wasted.
[Joelle laughs.]
Okay, now, that shit, you can rant about.
[Reggie.]
Nope.
We're here to have fun.
[laughs.]
Wow.
Wow.
[Reggie.]
Oh, look.
Turns out there's three lawn jockeys at this party.
Sorry.
Having fun.
So much fun.
Oh, look.
Your teeth are showing.
Ha-ha.
They're so cute.
- Yeah, I brushed 'em today.
- Good.
- Sam.
- What up, y'all? Hey, I didn't know you'd be here.
I's here.
- What y'all doing? - Not much.
Terrible AASU party, uh football tailgate, a Sanaa Lathan movie.
Y'all hate-watched Oh, No She Didn't without me? I fought it at first, but, you know, Joelle made me stick it out.
She's a good friend.
She really is.
I need drinks.
- [Reggie.]
We missed you.
- [Sam.]
You missed me? - [Reggie.]
Yes.
- [Sam.]
I was busy.
- [Gabe clears throat.]
- Busy? Here you go, babe.
- Busy.
- Reggie.
- Oh, uh - Mm The botanical gardens.
Yeah, that looked fun.
[chuckles weakly.]
Yeah, I mean, it's more like a zoo without the animals.
- Hmm.
- Or the cages.
Or the animals dragging kids away from their mothers.
Fun.
Fun.
So much fun.
Uh Al, could I get a drink? - Ah.
- That's, like, number five.
- [grunts.]
- [Al.]
It's not disgusting.
It's hypothetical.
Man, just answer the question.
Fuck, marry, kill.
Me, Rashid and Reggie.
You all seem lovely.
- But you'd kill Rashid, right? - No way.
Everyone knows I am marriage material.
[Reggie.]
Lionel, don't answer these motherfuckers.
But you'd marry me, right? [sighs.]
- Yes.
- Ah, come on, nigga.
We could go antiquing in Vermont and shit.
[Reggie.]
"Antiquing in Vermont and shit.
" - Reggie! My man.
- Thank God.
[Reggie.]
What you need, brother? [both speaking indistinctly.]
Hey! Reggie's with me.
Dude's in my data structures class.
He's smart as shit.
No one's ever been as fucked as you guys are about to be.
Who we fucking? I mean, I'm up for it.
I'm just asking.
[laughs.]
I need a partner for tipsy trivia.
- You in? - Yeah.
Come on.
We got some ass to kick.
You ain't the only one with a secret white friend.
[Sam.]
Mmm.
Oh.
- He's talking about me.
- Yeah.
[cheering.]
All right, all right, all right.
After the first round, Reggie and Addison are on top with ten, and the Johnson twins have zero.
[all.]
Zero! Are all twins this dumb? Do y'all gotta split one brain between you? - [Muffy.]
Okay, okay, hands up.
- [grunts mockingly.]
Hands up, ready to ding in.
All right, when did the French Revolutio - [bell dings.]
- 1789.
- Correct! - [cheering.]
[piano flourish.]
Who was the man that went into - [bell dings.]
- [Reggie.]
Martin Van Buren.
- [Muffy.]
Correct! - [piano flourish.]
- [bell dinging.]
- What is osmosis? Ace of Spades.
Lake Titicaca.
- Hyperhidrosis.
- [cheering.]
All right, what team came to the US - in 19 - [bell dings.]
"Rockin'" Robin Yount and the Milwaukee Brewers.
- Boom! - [cheering.]
[piano flourish.]
[Reggie.]
Come on, y'all.
This game is culturally biased against me, and I'm still whooping that ass.
I know y'all's shit and my shit.
We are winning too hard.
Can one of y'all cheat so we can drink? All right, how about everyone shots in the kitchen, except the Johnson twins? [cheering.]
- Ooh.
- Tits.
Kill 'em with all that intellectual bullshit.
You're the fucking man.
- The boss man! - Okay, okay, okay.
Get drunk! [Joelle chuckles.]
- [Reggie exhales.]
- So you decided you're the master in trivia now? See, the thing about me is, I'm smart as fuck.
- I see.
- [exhales.]
Um, so since you got all the answers, what makes me such a good friend? [rap song playing.]
- [rhythmic clapping.]
- Oh! Ooh.
[Reggie.]
Hey! [music continuing.]
[both.]
Times getting hard But a nigga's still gettin' it Hey! [man.]
This motherfucker [both.]
Motherfucker When you wake Before you brush your teeth You grab your strap, nigga All the time You get down on your knees Shootin' craps, nigga - Fuck what you heard - Hey Bustin' all the trap niggas - Man, don't say that.
- What? You know I don't really use that word.
Yeah, man, I know, but, uh I just really heard you say it, though.
And now he won't anymore.
We all learned something today.
Wait, so it's bad if I'm just repeating what's in the song? - Dude, seriously? - No, I know.
I'm sorry.
But it's not like I'm a racist.
Never said you were a racist.
[Reggie.]
Just don't say "nigga.
" Like, you didn't have to say it just then.
I guess it just felt kind of weird to censor myself.
It felt kind of weird to hear you say it.
I mean, how would you feel if I started rapping to songs, you know, that say "honky" and "cracker"? [chuckles.]
I wouldn't care at all.
Exactly, that's the difference.
The fact that you don't care and I do.
Like you get it? Reggie getting in a fight about racism.
- I'm shocked.
- Somebody said "nigga" and here come Kurt.
[laughs.]
Hey, Addison, heads up.
Just hide anything you don't want destroyed in a riot.
- Bro.
- Speaking of.
[Kurt.]
Has anyone seen Sam? This really feels like something she would plan to make a point.
Kurt, I'm good.
I just don't like being called a racist.
[Joelle.]
Again, he never said you were a racist.
He said "don't say that word.
" I'm not some redneck.
Is that what you think of me, Reggie? [Kurt.]
Yeah, Reggie.
You call your friend a racist and yet you're surprised when he's upset.
[Reggie.]
We're friends, but suddenly, I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation? [Addison.]
Dude, I didn't do anything wrong.
It's a song.
Hell, it's in the title.
What am I supposed to do? Hum? - Yes, nigga.
- [Kurt.]
Come on, Reggie.
You don't want him using his white privilege to rewrite black art, do you? Come on, man, I been good to you.
You're at a party at my house, drinking my booze, and now you attack me? It's Can nobody just have fun anymore? Oh, I sorry, massa.
We didn't mean to ruin your fun, now.
Sure, back to slavery.
It always comes back to slavery.
Okay, now I'm calling you a racist.
- Yeah? - Okay, let's all just calm down and have a good time.
- Troy, stay out of it.
- [man.]
Even our black president thinks you guys are being ridiculous.
Yo, "you guys" sounds like a real "you people" substitute.
This is what happens when a country refuses to address its history with slavery.
We need to do here what they did in Germany.
- [all.]
What? - I meant the educating kids about the nation's horrible past part, not the, um, concentration camp part.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I was about to say.
[all talking at once.]
[overlapping shouting.]
- I was just miming the song.
- You are saying I didn't mean to offend you in any way.
[overlapping shouting continues.]
[man.]
Where's y'all camera at? [overlapping shouting continues.]
See? This is why you don't say "nigga.
" - This is what happens.
- Man, this is not my fault.
You and your friends show up places uninvited and cause others fucking problems.
- [sirens wailing.]
- [grunts.]
- [Reggie.]
What the fuck?! - [both grunting.]
[Reggie.]
Get your fuckin' hands off of me! Everybody, stay where you are.
- Get off him.
Get off of him! - Ah, what the fuck? Are you a student here? - What? - We've had some complaints.
- Are you a student here? - Yeah, my tuition pays your salary.
[Addison.]
He's a student here.
We just got into a little tiff.
That's all.
This is my house.
I'm gonna need to see your ID.
- Why you need to see my ID? - [man.]
Son, I said ID.
- I'm not your son.
- Reggie, do what he says.
- Officer, he's a student - I'm not talking to you.
Fuck these pigs, man.
- I said show me some ID! - [woman.]
Yo, he's a student! [Addison.]
He's a student here.
Why the fuck do you guys have guns? Did I stutter? Show me some ID! [breathing heavily.]
Okay.
I'm going in my wallet.
[man.]
Okay.
If you'd shown me that when I asked, we could have avoided all that.
Okay, party's over.
If you don't live here, go home.
Come on.
[woman.]
It's awful.
[woman.]
Think we should walk together.
[murmuring.]
[breathing heavily.]
[man.]
It's crazy.
[Sam.]
Reggie are you okay? [Sam.]
Jesus, are you okay? Are you okay, Reggie? Talk to me.
Reggie, s [knock on door.]
[Sam.]
Reggie? Reggie, are you there? I was thinking about what happened all night.
We gotta clap back strong.
[breathing heavily.]
Reggie.
[crying.]
Reggie? Reggie, are you there? Reggie? [breathing heavily.]
Reggie.
- [soul music playing.]
- [vocalizing.]
Standing there Calling all the people here To see the show Calling for my demons now To let me go I need something Give me something wonderful I believe she won't take me somewhere I'm not supposed to be You can't steal the things That God has given me No more pain And no more shame and misery You can't take me down You can't break me down You can't take me down You can't take me down
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced," a James Baldwin quote Reggie Green's father often imparted to his son.
Reggie heard the message loud and clear.
Hey, see you at practice tomorrow.
Uh, I'm not on your team, Coach.
[man laughs.]
Good one, Marcus.
[man.]
Despite the divisive hashtags that would have you believe otherwise, our great nation is built on that most famous of declarations: "All men are created equal.
" [Sam.]
Equal? You could only vote if you owned land and didn't have a vagina.
[man.]
Well, uh [narrator.]
She had him at "vagina.
" Reggie, often a lone soldier on campus, had finally found his comrade-in-arms.
[camera shutter clicking.]
[narrator.]
As the outrage over the blackface party gave way to campus-wide apathy, Reggie found himself looking for ways to reignite the revolution.
[narrator.]
What Reggie didn't realize was the revolution would find him.
So a student's picture pops up, Coco Conners.
[all.]
Not woke.
[beeps.]
Woke.
[beeps.]
- [both.]
Woke.
- Cosby.
- [gasps.]
Okay.
- Mm-hmm, I'm sorry.
Lady McRib.
Really? Now look.
The entire campus ranked by whether they is woke or not woke.
Your boy's number four, for now, but once this blows up, Sam, you better watch yo back.
- [laughing.]
- Mm, you mad scientist.
This is based on my last Dear White People rant.
You Steve Jobs'd me.
I Steve Jobs'd you.
- [all laugh.]
- Yo, Steve Jobs was a monster who used Chinese slave labor to make his products.
[cell phone ringing.]
What? Those kids make a fantastic phone.
- [laughing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
[Al.]
Hey, who that, Sam? - Mm.
- Ooh, that's white bae.
- [Joelle.]
Nuh.
- [Al.]
What y'all finna do? Go on a hike just for the Instagrams? - Play hacky sack? - Open an Etsy shop - like that's a real job? - [laughing.]
Wow, I'm really sad I have to go too, assholes.
Wait.
I love/hate your shirt.
Well, what's to hate? I can't wear it.
I have cream.
[laughs.]
Bitch, get out of here.
- [chuckles.]
- [Joelle.]
Bye.
- Have fun being booed up, girl.
- Thank you.
Reggie, you're a genius.
- I know.
- [Al.]
Bye, Sam.
[Sam.]
Bye, Al.
All right, y'all, who do we get this "Woke or Not" app to, to make it a thing? The revolution is running on embers.
It's Saturday, Reggie.
The revolution can wait.
I heard the ASU's having a cook-in.
Hard pass.
People have completely forgotten about this blackface party.
The whole thing, it's like they just [Joelle.]
Reggie.
Sometimes being carefree and black is an act of revolution.
She's right, man.
Saturday's a day of rest.
You ain't Jewish, man.
You don't know my life.
But you let the ladies walk all over you.
Why? Because you know your mama didn't love you.
What we need now is a man.
That's what the ladies want, and that's what the mama in your heart wants.
[music playing on TV.]
I've been an author, psychic, Yelp reviewer, bus driver, former Yelp reviewer who got banned for using too many obscenities in a review for a children's theater, and a reader of half of one of Iyanla Vanzant's books.
I've done the work, and for some reason, these people have given me a show to help you do yours.
[sighs.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Reg.
Were you watching TV while the revolution dies? Sorry.
Dereca got me caught up.
- Dereca's a hot mess.
- [laughs.]
God, I want her to set me straight.
Shasta.
Pulled out all the stops.
[barking.]
Sorbet, did you make some new friends? [giggles.]
Aww, this is Sorbet, and she's so glad you were able to make it to our little cook-in.
Well, we wanted to have a cookout, but real grills are banned on campus.
- Like dogs, right? - Technically, yes.
But after the blackface party, I was so traumatized.
I mean, racism here? I still can't believe it.
No one could have seen it coming.
I thought President Obama fixed all that.
I know, so I went to the campus psychiatrist, and I told him that I'd kill myself if I could not have a support animal, and they let me get one.
[laughs.]
Well, you're the real hero, Kelsey.
Aw, Al.
Thank you.
Would you guys like a veggie dog? - No.
- Hell no.
- [Sorbet barks.]
- Sorbet, come back here.
No! - [chuckles.]
She's something else.
- Ugh.
That girl.
All right, what They made free food bad.
Fuck these guys.
- French exit? - [Reggie.]
Wait.
Wannabe pastor Kordell got the homie hemmed up.
And if you think about it, Rashid, Africa owes a lot to Christian missionaries.
- If they hadn't brought Jesus - I love the Lord, but Pastor Kordell be doing the most.
- He's in me? - He's in you right now.
- So that mean I'm Jesus.
- You're Jesus-like.
- We're all Jesus-like - Rashid.
Thank God I found you.
I just got a call about your mom.
It's bad.
We gotta go right now.
Is she okay? No, we cannot talk about this right now.
We should leave right now for this very real emergency.
We'll pray for her, man.
Right now.
Give me your hand.
Jesus, bless this grape soda as we take this as your blood - Was the mom thing too much? - No, that was fine.
My mom died when I was very young, so I knew she was not on the phone.
What a fool that man was.
- Well, good, I guess.
- [laughing.]
Hey, y'all wanna go to a tailgating party? - It's free.
- It's only free 'cause they suck.
We boring you, Reg? Who goes to the botanical gardens? It's like a fucking zoo for plants.
Are you cyberstalking Sam and her new love interest? Nah, man.
I'm just looking at this horrible audio lag - Thane forever, man! - [gasps.]
I could fix this bullshit in ten minutes.
[Joelle.]
Sure, you're definitely upset exclusively about that and not about that video of Sam and Gabe.
[Reggie.]
Shit just popped up.
Couldn't give a fuck what they thinkin'.
So we're all cool with Sam dating - a Abercrombie model? - [sighs.]
I mean, you two practically share panties, Jo.
- What's your take? - [laughs.]
I mean, Sam's my girl.
If she likes it, I love it.
You know that shit is weird.
I was surprised at first.
I admit.
I mean, I'm not sure I could let a white man colonize my body, and I never thought Sam would either.
So do you feel personally betrayed? No.
I mean, it's complicated.
I know the heart wants what it wants, and we're all one and all that shit, but how many times we've had the narrative that black men aren't good enough and that we need a white savior? I mean, I can't help but feel a little Disappointed.
- I didn't say that.
- Didn't have to.
Tell you one thing.
I plan to marry me a dark-skinned sister.
Have the ashiest, blackest babies possible.
- [laughing.]
- Won't catch me in these streets - with a white V.
- Well, I can say, having conducted multiple blind taste tests, you can't tell a white pussy from a black one.
Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls.
What is this about? [both.]
Anal.
- [all.]
To Thane! - [cheering.]
They forgot "student most likely to pass out drunk - in a public fountain.
" - [chuckles.]
Not feeling the school spirit, Reg? Nah, not really.
Football is the only time a black face gets celebrated on this campus.
Never mind their brain slowly getting pounded into mush.
Right, my brother.
Furthermore, these burgers come from cows that were packed in pens same way we was packed into slave ships.
They want us to eat our ancestors.
No, that's not how Reggie talks.
It's more like "Weed is a tool of the government - Mm.
- [Joelle.]
to anesthetize black minds into complacency.
" Oh, oh.
My name is Reggie, and 9/11 was a inside job.
- [laughing.]
- Fuck y'all, man.
[Reggie.]
It was.
What's up? You guys talking shit about everyone? No, just me.
Damn, 'cause, you know, present company excluded, I hate everyone else here.
One, I'm obsessed with you.
Deal with it.
Two, who are you? I'm the girl you guys are gonna share your weed with.
Ikumi, your new catchall Asian friend.
- All right.
- Okay, girl.
Yes.
- My people.
- [laughing.]
[Troy.]
Hey, nice app, Reggie.
Thanks.
Glad you like it.
- What, so I'm not woke? - [Reggie.]
So say the people.
Maybe because you betrayed us for your buddy Kurt.
He's doing his best.
How about you do something productive, instead of trying to make a Wokémon Go? - It's actually a solid name.
- We will catch them all.
No, don't try to pun your way out of this conflict.
- We're upset.
- Feel free to register your complaints in the comment section.
- [Al.]
Excuse us.
- [Rashid laughing.]
[Reggie.]
Clarence Thomas pumpkin pie eating motherfucker.
- [all laugh.]
- [Ikumi.]
Are we really gonna stay and watch these losers play? Can't we go see a movie or something? [Joelle.]
Yes, movie or something.
[exhales sharply.]
Man, I am not about this long line life.
Hey, is that Lionel? Or a really skinny lesbian? - [Reggie.]
Excuse me.
- Oh, hey, Lionel.
Thanks for holding a spot for us.
Oh, hey, guys.
I've been waiting here for you, my friends.
- In fact, I was texting you - You can stop talking now.
- No one is listening.
- What you seeing? Crayons: The Movie.
No, your black ass isn't.
I hear it's delightful.
Ooh, how about Oh, No She Didn't? That cannot be a real movie.
[groans.]
How many times did they have to use "get her off" as a double entendre? We get it.
They worked at a law firm - and they had sex.
- Those were our choices.
Cheap urban drama or tragedy porn.
Man, we could have watched porn? And when they do accidentally give us a quality movie, they think that gives them a pass to double down on this shit.
Classic moral license.
Like with Tarantino.
Just because he let Jamie Foxx kill a bunch of racists in Django, he thinks he can parade around every painful historical black stereotype.
And we gave him a NAACP Image Award for that shit.
Swear to God, he gets off on putting Sam Jackson in his movies just so all the white characters can call him "nigger" - for three hours.
- Hard R too.
Yeah, must really suck to only have two movies this month with people that look like you.
Try having the same two options since 2000.
All I got is The Joy Luck Club and Crouching Tiger.
And kind of Kung Fu Panda.
I like you, but fuck you.
You do realize all we do is complain about things.
It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage.
I know so much about what you don't like.
What do you all like, eh? - Breakfast for dinner? - Waller House has breakfast for dinner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Omelets, things like that.
A good scramble, maybe avocado.
- Get it, get it.
- Yeah.
See? We like stuff.
I am going back to Kenya.
- [Al.]
Rashid.
- [Joelle.]
Ah, come on, 'Shid.
- You going the wrong way.
- To the left.
- This way? - [Joelle.]
Yes.
- Okay.
- [Joelle.]
He'll be back.
[chattering.]
[Al.]
A little a little fruit salad.
[Lionel.]
Whoever decided pancakes had to be confined - to certain hours? - [Rashid.]
Whoever it was, that person is a piece of shit.
Ah, you are rubbing off on me, yo.
Al, just let him be African today.
- Okay? - Hey, everyone on Yik Yak's talking about some party tonight.
It says lots of booze and a great playlist.
How can y'all party when there's shit like this going on? "Make Campus Safe Again"? From who? Y'all know who they're talking about.
We need to wake this campus up.
Yeah, but when you say "we," we're not the "we" you're talking about.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you've been checking your Snapchat all day.
Look, she's with Gabe.
She said it on the fucking radio.
- Deal with it.
- Who wants bacon? I do.
Sorry.
You just seemed so stressed, and I thought maybe I could make you smile again the way she does, but - that was stupid, so - Nah, nah, nah, nah.
You're right.
I needed a distraction, so thank you for dragging me out of my rut.
What do you say we honor Thane by doing what he did best? Yep.
Let's get white girl wasted.
[Joelle laughs.]
Okay, now, that shit, you can rant about.
[Reggie.]
Nope.
We're here to have fun.
[laughs.]
Wow.
Wow.
[Reggie.]
Oh, look.
Turns out there's three lawn jockeys at this party.
Sorry.
Having fun.
So much fun.
Oh, look.
Your teeth are showing.
Ha-ha.
They're so cute.
- Yeah, I brushed 'em today.
- Good.
- Sam.
- What up, y'all? Hey, I didn't know you'd be here.
I's here.
- What y'all doing? - Not much.
Terrible AASU party, uh football tailgate, a Sanaa Lathan movie.
Y'all hate-watched Oh, No She Didn't without me? I fought it at first, but, you know, Joelle made me stick it out.
She's a good friend.
She really is.
I need drinks.
- [Reggie.]
We missed you.
- [Sam.]
You missed me? - [Reggie.]
Yes.
- [Sam.]
I was busy.
- [Gabe clears throat.]
- Busy? Here you go, babe.
- Busy.
- Reggie.
- Oh, uh - Mm The botanical gardens.
Yeah, that looked fun.
[chuckles weakly.]
Yeah, I mean, it's more like a zoo without the animals.
- Hmm.
- Or the cages.
Or the animals dragging kids away from their mothers.
Fun.
Fun.
So much fun.
Uh Al, could I get a drink? - Ah.
- That's, like, number five.
- [grunts.]
- [Al.]
It's not disgusting.
It's hypothetical.
Man, just answer the question.
Fuck, marry, kill.
Me, Rashid and Reggie.
You all seem lovely.
- But you'd kill Rashid, right? - No way.
Everyone knows I am marriage material.
[Reggie.]
Lionel, don't answer these motherfuckers.
But you'd marry me, right? [sighs.]
- Yes.
- Ah, come on, nigga.
We could go antiquing in Vermont and shit.
[Reggie.]
"Antiquing in Vermont and shit.
" - Reggie! My man.
- Thank God.
[Reggie.]
What you need, brother? [both speaking indistinctly.]
Hey! Reggie's with me.
Dude's in my data structures class.
He's smart as shit.
No one's ever been as fucked as you guys are about to be.
Who we fucking? I mean, I'm up for it.
I'm just asking.
[laughs.]
I need a partner for tipsy trivia.
- You in? - Yeah.
Come on.
We got some ass to kick.
You ain't the only one with a secret white friend.
[Sam.]
Mmm.
Oh.
- He's talking about me.
- Yeah.
[cheering.]
All right, all right, all right.
After the first round, Reggie and Addison are on top with ten, and the Johnson twins have zero.
[all.]
Zero! Are all twins this dumb? Do y'all gotta split one brain between you? - [Muffy.]
Okay, okay, hands up.
- [grunts mockingly.]
Hands up, ready to ding in.
All right, when did the French Revolutio - [bell dings.]
- 1789.
- Correct! - [cheering.]
[piano flourish.]
Who was the man that went into - [bell dings.]
- [Reggie.]
Martin Van Buren.
- [Muffy.]
Correct! - [piano flourish.]
- [bell dinging.]
- What is osmosis? Ace of Spades.
Lake Titicaca.
- Hyperhidrosis.
- [cheering.]
All right, what team came to the US - in 19 - [bell dings.]
"Rockin'" Robin Yount and the Milwaukee Brewers.
- Boom! - [cheering.]
[piano flourish.]
[Reggie.]
Come on, y'all.
This game is culturally biased against me, and I'm still whooping that ass.
I know y'all's shit and my shit.
We are winning too hard.
Can one of y'all cheat so we can drink? All right, how about everyone shots in the kitchen, except the Johnson twins? [cheering.]
- Ooh.
- Tits.
Kill 'em with all that intellectual bullshit.
You're the fucking man.
- The boss man! - Okay, okay, okay.
Get drunk! [Joelle chuckles.]
- [Reggie exhales.]
- So you decided you're the master in trivia now? See, the thing about me is, I'm smart as fuck.
- I see.
- [exhales.]
Um, so since you got all the answers, what makes me such a good friend? [rap song playing.]
- [rhythmic clapping.]
- Oh! Ooh.
[Reggie.]
Hey! [music continuing.]
[both.]
Times getting hard But a nigga's still gettin' it Hey! [man.]
This motherfucker [both.]
Motherfucker When you wake Before you brush your teeth You grab your strap, nigga All the time You get down on your knees Shootin' craps, nigga - Fuck what you heard - Hey Bustin' all the trap niggas - Man, don't say that.
- What? You know I don't really use that word.
Yeah, man, I know, but, uh I just really heard you say it, though.
And now he won't anymore.
We all learned something today.
Wait, so it's bad if I'm just repeating what's in the song? - Dude, seriously? - No, I know.
I'm sorry.
But it's not like I'm a racist.
Never said you were a racist.
[Reggie.]
Just don't say "nigga.
" Like, you didn't have to say it just then.
I guess it just felt kind of weird to censor myself.
It felt kind of weird to hear you say it.
I mean, how would you feel if I started rapping to songs, you know, that say "honky" and "cracker"? [chuckles.]
I wouldn't care at all.
Exactly, that's the difference.
The fact that you don't care and I do.
Like you get it? Reggie getting in a fight about racism.
- I'm shocked.
- Somebody said "nigga" and here come Kurt.
[laughs.]
Hey, Addison, heads up.
Just hide anything you don't want destroyed in a riot.
- Bro.
- Speaking of.
[Kurt.]
Has anyone seen Sam? This really feels like something she would plan to make a point.
Kurt, I'm good.
I just don't like being called a racist.
[Joelle.]
Again, he never said you were a racist.
He said "don't say that word.
" I'm not some redneck.
Is that what you think of me, Reggie? [Kurt.]
Yeah, Reggie.
You call your friend a racist and yet you're surprised when he's upset.
[Reggie.]
We're friends, but suddenly, I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation? [Addison.]
Dude, I didn't do anything wrong.
It's a song.
Hell, it's in the title.
What am I supposed to do? Hum? - Yes, nigga.
- [Kurt.]
Come on, Reggie.
You don't want him using his white privilege to rewrite black art, do you? Come on, man, I been good to you.
You're at a party at my house, drinking my booze, and now you attack me? It's Can nobody just have fun anymore? Oh, I sorry, massa.
We didn't mean to ruin your fun, now.
Sure, back to slavery.
It always comes back to slavery.
Okay, now I'm calling you a racist.
- Yeah? - Okay, let's all just calm down and have a good time.
- Troy, stay out of it.
- [man.]
Even our black president thinks you guys are being ridiculous.
Yo, "you guys" sounds like a real "you people" substitute.
This is what happens when a country refuses to address its history with slavery.
We need to do here what they did in Germany.
- [all.]
What? - I meant the educating kids about the nation's horrible past part, not the, um, concentration camp part.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I was about to say.
[all talking at once.]
[overlapping shouting.]
- I was just miming the song.
- You are saying I didn't mean to offend you in any way.
[overlapping shouting continues.]
[man.]
Where's y'all camera at? [overlapping shouting continues.]
See? This is why you don't say "nigga.
" - This is what happens.
- Man, this is not my fault.
You and your friends show up places uninvited and cause others fucking problems.
- [sirens wailing.]
- [grunts.]
- [Reggie.]
What the fuck?! - [both grunting.]
[Reggie.]
Get your fuckin' hands off of me! Everybody, stay where you are.
- Get off him.
Get off of him! - Ah, what the fuck? Are you a student here? - What? - We've had some complaints.
- Are you a student here? - Yeah, my tuition pays your salary.
[Addison.]
He's a student here.
We just got into a little tiff.
That's all.
This is my house.
I'm gonna need to see your ID.
- Why you need to see my ID? - [man.]
Son, I said ID.
- I'm not your son.
- Reggie, do what he says.
- Officer, he's a student - I'm not talking to you.
Fuck these pigs, man.
- I said show me some ID! - [woman.]
Yo, he's a student! [Addison.]
He's a student here.
Why the fuck do you guys have guns? Did I stutter? Show me some ID! [breathing heavily.]
Okay.
I'm going in my wallet.
[man.]
Okay.
If you'd shown me that when I asked, we could have avoided all that.
Okay, party's over.
If you don't live here, go home.
Come on.
[woman.]
It's awful.
[woman.]
Think we should walk together.
[murmuring.]
[breathing heavily.]
[man.]
It's crazy.
[Sam.]
Reggie are you okay? [Sam.]
Jesus, are you okay? Are you okay, Reggie? Talk to me.
Reggie, s [knock on door.]
[Sam.]
Reggie? Reggie, are you there? I was thinking about what happened all night.
We gotta clap back strong.
[breathing heavily.]
Reggie.
[crying.]
Reggie? Reggie, are you there? Reggie? [breathing heavily.]
Reggie.
- [soul music playing.]
- [vocalizing.]
Standing there Calling all the people here To see the show Calling for my demons now To let me go I need something Give me something wonderful I believe she won't take me somewhere I'm not supposed to be You can't steal the things That God has given me No more pain And no more shame and misery You can't take me down You can't break me down You can't take me down You can't take me down