Dear White People (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Chapter III

1 [LIONEL] Oh, no.
[TROY] What is it? I thought I was preppy throw-black chill, but I think I'm boho con posh.
[NARRATOR] Truth be told, Lionel's style is more sartorial mono-classic, but it will be some years before he figures that out.
[LIONEL] I got the wrong tie.
Also, I don't know how to tie a tie.
[SIGHS] Got you, man.
[NARRATOR] Lionel's never bothered to identify his style before, having assumed it never mattered.
So how did we get here? Watch closely.
[CROWD CLAMORING] [NARRATOR] It begins with a bang What part of "The Hancocks are off-limits" possessed you to post a story about the Hancocks? This is important to me, and if you want me on The Independent, these are the types of stories I'm gonna write, and if you don't like it, then you can just go fuck [NARRATOR] and a spark.
But before we get to that, there are some hidden forces at play worth examining.
1924 William Landis, founder of The Winchester Bugle, publishes a landmark exposé on Ivy League secret societies.
It would earn him a position at The New York Times, setting in motion a tradition of nepotism and privilege that would ensure a pipeline to the nation's most powerful publications.
Damn, I love an alliterative P.
- [FLASHBULB POPS] - 1965 Donald Hancock, having run afoul with the Bugle editor due to his right-wing politics, founds The Winchester Independent.
Its coverage had a decidedly different point of view.
The Hancocks are absolutely off-limits.
[NARRATOR] As years and attitudes changed, the voice of Donald Hancock faded from The Independent, but he continued to enjoy the tax write-off financing the paper would provide.
All that changed with Lionel.
He would prove to be the nail in the coffin for The Independent's financing.
They're using their money to blackmail the administration into integrating Armstrong-Parker.
That's enough, young man.
Right about now, you should all be receiving an alert from the Winchester Independent website.
[CELL PHONES BEEPING] [CROWD EXCLAIMS] [NARRATOR] But while some might see that as an ending, Lionel hopes it will be a new beginning.
["COOL" PLAYING] You can't tell me that I'm cool So cool I just wanna be cool You can't tell me that I'm cool I've always wanted to be cool [SIGHS] But I'm not that cool That cool I just want to be cool Yeah, yeah You can't tell me that I'm cool [VOCALIZES] - I've always wanted to be cool - [SIGHS] Cool, yeah, yeah [KNOCK ON DOOR] [MUFFLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Ladies.
[DOOR CLOSES] [SILVIO] Lionel? Where the hell am I? You don't remember? You said I was the best you'd ever had.
Really? No.
You showed up drunk about an hour after we were supposed to hang and passed out.
[CHUCKLES] I am such a Ramona on tequila.
- Is that a Real Housewife? - Uh-huh.
Except she's no one's wife, nor is she tethered to anything resembling reality.
She's my hero.
Please don't tell me this is what you jerk off to.
I have a curious mind and substantial alone time.
So you do jerk off to these? [GROANS] [SILVIO] Ugh.
[EXHALES] [MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES] [SIGHS] Did you know it was Pride Night? Why do you think I'm so drunk so early? - What? - Nothing.
[SILVIO SCOFFS] You're acting like this was a date or something.
Oh Well, you'll probably want to go home and sober up or something.
Uh, no.
No, the night's young.
Let's hang.
I'd like it if we could.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Advertising already? Yeah, the girls went home, man.
I was working on that three-way for days, too.
Turns out they're real lesbians who just wanted to buy some weed.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES] You mean two women into each other for reasons other than a straight man's benefit? - I'm aghast.
- I know, right? Also, there aren't fake lesbians, okay? Sexuality is a spectrum that encompasses many Look, I'm problematic as fuck.
Just @ me on your next think piece, okay? Will do.
I mean, you guys just have it so much easier.
Literally no barrier to entry.
Please tell me one of us is gonna get some ass tonight.
[SIGHS] First time for everything.
[SILVIO] Jesus.
Does he own shirts? Sorry, man.
I can throw on a shirt.
Shh, shh, shh.
I didn't say change.
Lionel, you ready? - And where are you boys headed? - Pride parties.
Free liquor and straight women going to waste? - I'm in.
- How progressive.
So when is that gonna happen? Okay, I'm going.
You need me.
One of us is beating cheeks tonight.
No, it doesn't work when you add the neck bob to it.
- Oh.
- Or the hard T.
Guess there's no use In hanging 'round [TROY] A dorm party? The literati gays have the best booze.
They also thrive on oppressive deadlines, so it's only good for a first stop.
Here we are! [MAN] This queen.
Okay! Here we go.
Did you come back to finish your soliloquy on why Ramona is "all of us"? [LAUGHS] I don't remember that, - but I stand by it.
- Mm.
If only you still had a publication you could channel all that passion into.
You know, you've always got a job at The Bugle.
And The Liberty.
Just say when.
I'm not working for either of you faggots.
[MAN] Oh.
It's our N-word.
'Sup, man? Troy Fairbanks.
I'm aware.
Try not to break any windows.
Sort of.
I'm Lionel.
And you stay away from our website.
- I'm Topper.
- Don't let the name fool you.
[TOPPER] You're repugnant.
And wrong, ever since that summer with Victor.
[LAUGHS] Sure, Jan.
Can I talk to you? Same kind of talk we had last time you were here? - So these are your people, huh? - [SIGHS] They're gay.
They're writers.
Where are they going? Advice: don't let Silvio see you standing alone for one second.
Lesson starts now.
[TROY] Excuse me.
Pardon me.
["IT'S STRANGE" PLAYING] Heart been so cold That I don't feel at all Scarred up inside So I built all these walls Head rolling back But I'm faking the rush Out every night and I'm lonely How's the hummus? Uneventful.
I'm Deondre.
I'm Lionel.
You know anyone here? Hell no.
That's the fun part.
Do you write on anything? I edit the Goldenrod Poetry Annual and the Griffins Shorts Collection.
Oh, that must be really challenging.
So no shade, but I'm not, like into other black guys.
- Oh.
- Just an FYI.
[SIGHS] Only took you a month to sink The Ind ependent, right? Maybe we should get you on the Liberty staff, bring down those pretentious assholes.
- Hey, George.
- Oh, don't be weird.
- It's in the past.
- I'm not.
I'm always weird.
It's not really situation-dependent.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Come on.
Join us.
Whoo! Yeah.
Good man.
[MAN] Okay, off to the Webster House Beer Bus? [GEORGE] Didn't they basically turn the third-floor showers into a bathhouse? They did.
I'm late.
It's awful.
Last year, I definitely caught something just from breathing in the steam.
That's how you caught it.
- Yeah.
- I once took a sauna at the gym.
It got really hot, and I threw up.
[MAN] Plus, it wouldn't be Pride unless I did something that would make my Waspy-ass parents deeply ashamed.
That's true.
And I've already hooked up with every guy here.
Except you.
[LAUGHS] That's because his BONR profile says "whites only.
" [LAUGHS] He's like a 1950s water fountain.
[LAUGHING] Only squirting for the whites.
[SOFTLY] Way too much.
[GEORGE] In Zak's defense, though, he did change it to "all-American" after Freddie from comparative lit called him out in his editorial on problematic gays.
[MAN] Can we retire that word? [GEORGE] "Gays"? Immediately.
[MAN] "Problematic.
" Who doesn't have a type? George has an affinity for chocolate.
[GEORGE] Guilty.
[MAN] Yates is a chubby chaser, Dexter is a total rice queen, and I, of course, will fuck whatever has legs.
- Look at you, having standards.
- Mm.
I like emotionally unavailable guys with an acumen for mixed signals.
Are we still allowed to say "rice queen"? We're fags.
We're not allowed to exist in half the world, so why do we have to play by its rules? Says white guys who just want to reduce Asians to a complex carb.
[GEORGE] Don't take it personally, Lionel.
Nicolas here is very sensitive about being white.
[LIONEL] Where were you two? We should go.
This joint's dying faster than democracy.
We just got here.
- What do we think of this AltlvyW guy? - [TOPPER] That guy.
He's either a monster or a performance artist.
That's the one who baits social justice warriors for fun? Mm.
He called Sam White a half-breed.
Okay, but he's clearly doing it as a joke.
It's his sycophants that are taking it way too far.
And that podcast? Well, then maybe it wasn't so clear it was a joke.
Are you watching New Jersey? I'm a Beverly Hills girl.
[GEORGE] Girl, you are missing out! - [TOPPER] No.
- [GEORGE] Yeah.
Okay, we can leave now.
[GEORGE] Honey, it is a complex, deep dive into a family You are way too invested, George.
[SILVIO] Should we get you something a little stronger? [MUTTERS] [TROY] Call me.
[LIONEL] Hey, sorry.
[WHIMPERS] What was that? Public service.
Oh, you're giving mammograms now? Well, her best friend's been in the bathroom with someone named Thad for 20 minutes.
Thad? Ugh, her best friend's about four or five seconds from herpes.
Hey, how do you know George? I used to write for The Bugle.
We had a weird moment.
What do you do when someone asks you, sans irony, for your Hershey's Kisses? You give him your Hershey's Kisses.
With nuts.
George asked for your Hershey's Kisses? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Saw my day When I saw you You've done Donna before, right? - Is that a form of ecstasy? - [LAUGHS] - Donna's the name of the night.
- Oh.
Every other Friday, Winchester's very own DJ DJ He's a DJ named DJ.
Anyway, he does a disco set for the radio, and it's a total ki, especially on Pride Night.
How do you not know this? These are your people.
[TROY] Yeah, you've been holding out, Lionel.
This shit is my aesthetic.
You break me on down Break me on down Drop that! Get it! Get it! Ugh.
Get out of here, Troy.
I didn't come here to be ogled.
I did, but not by you.
Yo! One second.
I'll be right back.
On the frontline He's literally running away from me.
He's just being aloof.
Chicks do it all the time.
Trust me.
Ass-getting is my minor.
Thought it was economics.
Now, look, be hard to find when he comes looking for you, like you could stay all night, with or without him.
- All right? - Yeah.
I don't need that dude.
I don't need him.
- [BROOKE] Lionel! - Jeez.
You got some nerve.
Hi, Brooke.
I'm happy to see you.
Well, that makes one of us.
Do you know what your little stunt cost me? Do you know what it cost poor Silvio? I came here with Silvio.
Oh, he might seem okay on the outside, but believe me, he went completely off the rails when the paper went bust.
He's actually texted me several times to ask if I'm okay.
That kind of empathy from him is frankly unprecedented.
How many of those have you had? Nineteen.
Got a problem? You might.
You know, I have two hours per day with nothing scheduled, and neither The Liberty nor The Bugle will take me.
Why? I mean, you're a good writer.
Well, let's just say they met their quota.
Listen, Brooke, I'm really sorry that you - [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] - Oh, shit! That's my song! [LAUGHING] [CHATTERING] [MAN] What station? Show me the station.
[SAM] Meet Lionel, your newest obsession.
Breaker-up of blackface parties, destroyer of papers.
Told you this one was family.
See, now, the clothes threw me off, but I see it now.
[MAN] Entyway, I don't give a fuck if people got a problem with me calling things problematic.
I mean, look around this school.
Things are problematic as fuck.
- [SAM] Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna wear that word out.
Okay, but maybe if you didn't think-piece everything, these white people wouldn't feel like they have to get on the radio and embarrass themselves.
[MAN] Don't lie about things.
You don't remember the time you petitioned to have the Webster House chef fired over sushi night? It was cultural appropriation.
It was California rolls.
And you loved 'em.
Appropriation is their raison d'être, though.
Parlez-vous français, bitch.
I mean, they appropriated the land from the Native Americans - Uh-huh.
- appropriated a whole people from Africa to work the new land they stole, so of course white people are appropriating oppression.
That's the new Katy Perry single, right? Mm-hmm.
"Oppression" featuring Migos.
- [LAUGHING] - I'm not about to play with you.
[SAM] On the lowest of Alicia Keys, I'm about to appropriate this entire conversation - in my next Dear White People.
- [MAN] Shout me out, baby.
Yes, girl queens.
Lionel, your shoes suggest that you enjoy Caucasian music.
What do you think of the current pop landscape? Well, I mean, I enjoy a little Taylor Swift every now and again.
- Oh - Don't do it, Leo.
We agreed.
You speak ill of Tay Tay, and I'm dragging Miss Germanotta.
You leave Gaga be.
Well, cease fire, bitch.
Okay, can we go to at least one function where we do not discuss white people? Oh, but it relaxes me.
[MAN] Rihanna all day and all night.
[CHATTERING CONTINUING] Altlvy again? It's like he's the president of my fan club, but I'm Selena.
I don't know what's worse, the shit this guy says or the people who have taken it and run with it.
Who decided Nazis needed a reboot? Who said they went anywhere? [SILVIO] There you are.
Been looking all over for you.
Making friends.
You don't need to look back at Lemonade.
- Blue has hit singles.
- I'm drinking Kool-Aid.
That's what I'm drinking.
Yeah, having a ki.
Yeah? I was kind of hoping we could go somewhere a little quieter.
Yeah, sure.
I guess.
[SAM] It's these guys again.
Have you heard of something called Order of X? Actually, yeah.
I was just reading this [SILVIO] Coming? Go be gay.
I'll talk to you later.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Should we get Troy? [LAUGHS, SHOUTS] That's not my ministry.
You were quite the social butterfly.
[SIGHS] What can I say? People just flock to me.
[LAUGHS] Okay, Gandhi, calm down.
I mean, you didn't really give me a choice.
Soon as we got there, you were all over that double-DJ guy.
Starting to think you don't really want to hang out.
[LAUGHS] Okay, first of all, I wouldn't say I was all over him, and second of all, who am I hanging out with now? Why did you kiss me? [LIONEL] The night of I know what night it was.
I kiss everybody.
Not that you're everybody.
Happy Pride.
[SIGHS] Happy.
[SILVIO SIGHS] God, the musical queens took over.
[MAN] Silvio! Silvio! I am mere feet away.
Why are you playing to the back of the house? I just bumped into someone who said they found some keys? - Keys? - Where were they? Uh, come with me.
Be right back.
For real.
[SIGHS] [MAN] Thank God for cell phones, huh? Like, what did people used to do at parties before? Talk to each other? How far we've come.
I mean, there's always smoking.
Cancer seems like a small price to pay for stuff to do with your hands.
[BOTH LAUGH] I'm Wesley.
I'm Lionel.
What brings you here? Uh the love of my life, Adam.
My first clue things weren't gonna work out was when he kept introducing me to friends who were really into Latino guys.
[LIONEL SCOFFS] Why do people do that? Like it's some grand compliment that someone can tolerate me.
We love coming up with reasons to reject our own.
It's like the gay First Commandment.
"Do unto others as has been done unto you.
" [LAUGHS] I'm Lionel.
You said that.
Ah, finally.
Finally what? And what's with the keys? I lost them a while ago.
That's why you keep disappearing? This whole thing is about backtracking where you left your keys? And hanging out with you.
There's literally been no hanging out with me all night.
I mean, how many of these did you hit up before you stumbled over to my place? Girl, please don't go all Kenya Moore on me.
You know I don't understand that reference.
I mean, what the What the fuck, Silvio? Ooh, she cusses.
Lionel! [SILVIO] Lionel! Are you really making me chase you? [LIONEL SIGHS] Do you, like, hate me or something? You kiss me out of the blue, you invite me places and then ditch me, and we still haven't talked about what happened with the paper.
- The paper? What's there to discuss? - I don't know.
Apparently, you've been discussing it with everybody Brooke, George, everyone but me.
Just tell me, what is this? Lionel, you and I have a ship.
Will it be a friendship, a situation-ship, a partnership? I don't know.
I'm not the kind of guy who needs to know right away.
So you keep me on hold until you figure it out? You're punishing me for what happened with the paper.
Okay, Freud, look, I'm pissed about what you did, all right? But at the same time what you did was bold and brave and [LAUGHS] I don't know.
I don't know how I feel about you, okay? Do you have feelings for me? Lionel, you are adorable.
But we're in totally different places right now.
Maybe we are.
It's not like running a Winchester paper is a hobby, you know? It's a fucking lifeline into the real world, and on my watch, this decades-old institution completely imploded.
I'm a laughingstock among my peers.
- I'm a joke.
- So what? This is the 21st century.
Nobody from Winchester gains notoriety by upholding institutions.
They create new ones.
Right now, there's a whole underground of alt-righters trolling students at Winchester.
No one's covering that.
If we got to the bottom of it, it could be explosive, and that's just what's on my radar.
What if we went looking for stories, real stories, on our own, unencumbered by print dates or budgets or any other bullshit? What's stopping us from creating something, something truly independent? [SIGHS] It would have to be exceptional.
Reach beyond the campus into the national sphere.
This is something you want to do? Of course.
I'll think about it, okay? Ah, fuck.
What? What now? Hyundai? I'd never drive a Hyundai.
Somebody's about to have a terrible night.
[GRUNTS] [SIGHS] So you want to come find some I'm a little tired, Silvio, but good luck.
[CHATTERING, LAUGHING] - Watch where you're going.
- [LIONEL] Sorry.
And tell your roommate to stay the fuck away from me, okay? Okay.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES] ["FACE" PLAYING] Tell me what you're waiting for, hon I just wanna love you Just wanna hold you Never would lie to you Tell me what you're waiting for, hon What you waiting for? It feels like I can see The past in your eyes I know the future Has been passing you by These other niggas They just passing your time They don't know how To ride the tidal waves That crash in your thighs But I got the dream and if you believe Then I can take you Somewhere that is pristine I'm keeping it clean, my title is mean They boxing us in But we broke out the seams Don't make me a fiend I know what I want I'm working to get Everything that I need But I got a plan for you I'm taking the stand for you I care for you What's your motive with me, baby? 'Cause I don't trust nobody lately I twist and turn Moving just like a serpent New times are coming Just like a virgin Get you all outta my head 'Cause lately I'm better off dead