Dear White People (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

Chapter V

1 - Dope, right? - It looks like I went missing, but my parents tried to save money with discount ad space.
We did an hour photo shoot, this is the photo you chose? Yeah, Al.
Why is her picture so small? And is that a coupon for bacon? It's 'cause Joelle's new to the show.
You know, like, the new kid in school, like a kindergartener.
Man, y'all don't appreciate an artist's attention to detail.
Okay, you know what? It's fine.
Well, it's not fine, but this has to go up this week, so we're gonna work on this.
Just know my rate goes up to $50 an hour.
From $0 an hour? Don't exploit me, Jo.
I'm an artist.
[narrator] Joelle Brooks isn't used to being second string.
And as your valedictorian, I will take the spirit and determination of all of us [narrator] 2015, Joelle graduates Woodlawn Academy.
[applause] Lift every voice and sing [narrator] She is the latest in a long line of its graduates to gain admission to an Ivy.
In fact, that's precisely what Woodlawn was designed to do.
Watch closely.
1840, Spencer Wood, Winchester's first black alum, has an epiphany during a then-required course in phrenology.
And so his primitive nature can be observed by his cranial slope, which indicates the size of the underlying brain matter.
[narrator] Though Spencer was admitted into Winchester, it was clear he would never be accepted there.
By increasing black enrollment at the Ivies through Woodlawn, Spencer had hoped to turn the cultural tide at the nation's most influential schools within 50 years' time.
The rising sun Of our new day - Be g - Joelle, let's dial it back a little.
[narrator] It's taking a bit longer.
Nevertheless, the spirit of Spencer Wood would persist at Winchester.
[laughs] I'm giving these white boys a run for their money.
I am done with the Internet.
For real.
Name one good thing the Internet's ever given us.
The Arab Spring, Bossip headlines, the gif-industrial complex and access to information.
You mean misinformation.
Somebody put on their Insta Chris Brown and Justin Bieber were the same person, and truth be told, I didn't even question it.
And now they're making black bots to amp up the bullshit on both sides.
[Joelle] Mm-hmm.
I saw some guy called @ARealBlackPerson [Sam] Totally convincing, B-T-dubs.
Right? Talking some mess about a white genocide.
Dear White People, black folks don't have time for no white genocide.
We're Exhausted.
And since everyone's anonymous, who can tell the difference between a racist algorithm and the racists among us? How you gonna be so hateful online, then be normal to my face? They got me walking around here like - Listen to this lie about me.
- Okay, I'll finish my thought later.
"Sam White is the alien child of a Zulu sea captain.
" Dear White People, ain't nobody trying to start a black Scientology.
That is, and always will be, your madness.
Claim it.
Black people been so long done with sea-crossing ships, - it's like - Hold that thought.
Um, I think it's time for call-ins.
Uh [Gabe] Uh We gotta stop sneaking around like this.
Who's sneaking? I'm not sneaking.
[sighs] It's bright in here.
You just walked in here like you're in witness protection.
Can't we just openly be F-R-I Fried chicken? Sure, that sounds like a great lunch, schoolmate.
What about me says to black women, "Hide this man at all costs?" Sorry, but you know Sam.
She does not process change well.
Is that why she shit-talks my doc project every chance she gets? This is what I mean.
I'm not about to be in these streets, playing Malcolm in the Middle of y'all's cold war.
So let's change topics.
I never had a chance to say it, but thank you for looking over my doc.
I also cut down the amount of times I ask if I'm racist by about 50%.
[laughs] Thank you for being open to that suggestion and no worries.
I thought it was great.
You just make everything better just by being around, you know that? If only I could order you in a Mahershala.
Speaking of Reggie Do I look like Sam's sloppy seconds to you? [breathes deeply] Sorry.
I've moved on.
It's just that when I look in the mirror, I see someone who's beautiful and talented and always the second one you think of.
This world is not kind to the Kellys.
Yeah, ever since Michael Strahan left the show, it's just Rowland, not Ripa.
- That makes more sense.
- Yeah, come on, Gabe.
Joelle Brooks.
I'm normally in the Monday lab, but I missed it.
- Back table.
- Thanks.
[man] J.
Brooks? I've always wondered who that was.
Trevor King.
T "Half a point on my heels" King! Nice to meet you, too.
Hey, pleasure's all mine now that we've met, and it's great seeing a black woman on top.
[both laugh] It's pretty clear, the cause of death.
He couldn't breathe.
The victim was black.
The joke, not the person.
The lack of oxygen was due to multiple emboli in the right lung.
However, the fatal event was not emboli, but rather the thrombosis here on the large saddle thrombus.
[students clamoring] Should I tell 'em to calm down? The body's dead.
The right leg was swollen, deep vein thrombosis.
The victim was bedridden.
Knuckles look to be inflamed.
Must be lupus.
Had to have been on anticoagulants.
Unless his antibodies [together] Anti-phospholipid syndrome.
[laughing] - We make a good team.
- That back-and-forth was so good, I feel like Shonda Rhimes wrote us.
I was thinking that the whole time, but I didn't think I could say it.
No, not gonna do it.
I can't let Joelle go back to being J period Brooks.
Go out with me.
Um, okay.
I've got Thursday.
No, like now.
Right now.
Oof, I really can't leave campus.
Okay, we don't have to.
Let me show you something that you've never seen before, and I promise, I won't murder you.
[laughs] I'm pretty sure that's something murderers say, more importantly, if it's on campus, I've seen it.
Are you sure? 'Cause we're in the same anatomy class, and you're just now seeing me, and I'm just now seeing you.
Come on.
[laughs] [Trevor hums] [Joelle] Where are we? Food science lab.
They got exams every week.
Can you believe it? I do food tests every day.
I just tested some exquisite shoestring fries.
Little Irish place.
[laughs] Madame.
[chuckles] Kumamoto oyster with passion fruit ice and Sichuan vinaigrette.
Thank you.
They used to throw this stuff away until students caught on, but today, it's just us.
And I'm out here sustaining on nuggets.
[laughs] I thought I knew all of us here.
What house are you in? Webster.
Luck of the draw.
Let me guess.
You A-P girl.
I won't hold it against you.
What's wrong with A-P? A little too pop-woke for my taste.
After a day of living the black experience, the last thing I want to do is talk about it.
Sometimes we watch TV together.
Oh, well, in that case Come on, you should come through.
I think you'd be pleasantly surprised.
Or we could live here and never leave.
Hmm [both] Cheers.
Lavender and charcoal ice cream.
- Right? - Imagine having the privilege of thinking, "What's not food and how can I eat it?" [laughs] You know, white-watching is one of my favorite pastimes.
Yeah, it's like watching baseball, but without the franchise-approved racist mascots.
Spoke too soon.
[imitating gunfire] Hmm.
[sighs] Who knew there'd have been a book in there? The things our campus security has to suss out.
One day, we won't have to live like this, 'cause as soon as we realize they're never gonna give it to us, we have to Sorry.
I get a little intense about these things.
I know exactly how you feel.
I'm glad.
Man a lot of girls can't handle real conversations.
[cell phone vibrates] - This has been lovely.
- So soon? - We spent two hours together.
- [scoffs] I mean, I really want to spend a few more together.
Just saying.
[Sam] Thanks to CORE [Coco] And me! [Sam] and its president Me! we've secured Carson Rhodes to come speak.
Hell yeah! That's my boy.
[laughs] And with all the bullshit AltIvyW's unleashed, this is just what we need.
Carson is incredible at starting dialogue.
[Ethan] And ending it.
Anybody see Carson shut down that Rikki Carter chick? - What's that? - Some Fox News pundit.
And my future wife.
She is a brilliant political mind.
Lord, Fox News churns out conservative nutjobs almost as fast as sexual harassment settlements.
I, uh I got the clip.
At the end of the day, society's vulnerable need safe spaces where they can thrive.
A "safe space" does nothing but coddle people and put them in a victim mindset.
Really? This entire country has been a safe space for the white and privileged since its founding.
You're saying we should forever be in a tit-for-tat because of what happened in the past? It's regressive.
Their past is our present, Rikki, and you know that.
Okay, why are you the highest-paid person at Fox? You tell me.
Because you're a sideshow, that's why.
Alt-black woman defends alt-right.
Why you think they pay a premium for it? [audience exclaims] Uh, so I'm well-paid because I'm black, not because I'm talented? I thought you were for affirmative action.
[Rikki laughs] That's a yes.
I think that's a yes.
Yo, they literally found a Ladera Heights' Tomi Lahren.
Where is the lie in what she said? Oh.
You guys don't like her 'cause she disagrees with you.
James, just because you like her doesn't mean she's going to jump out of your dreams and fall into your frail, mismatched arms.
- I heard Carson was a hotep.
- No, he supports women's rights.
He just hates Rikki.
Maybe I'm missing something, but I kind of agree with her.
You might be missing the time when she advocated for white history month.
You're taking her out of context.
Hey, Reg, break it down for me.
Isn't she arguing for more diversity? - [Clifton] Don't we want to come together? - We are together, 24/7, but for some you people, coming together means ignoring our experiences.
"You people?" Yes, you white people.
It feels weird being reduced to a color, huh? Yeah, it does.
[sighs] Some of us need our own space sometimes.
We've been through a lot.
We go through a lot.
Keep going.
How many bestsellers are being written about the white working class? Hm? They are the ones that we need to protect.
Let their life expectancy and income plummet to where black people have always been, but now they are in crisis.
You know better than this, Rikki.
You do! Just address it! [woman in audience] Yeah! Whoo! [chuckles] Ah, shit, Joelle.
- [sighs] - What's this? A little sexting going on? This is none of your business, and do not say a word to anyone.
He has a bad habit of looking over people's shoulders.
That is one of his many, many shortcomings.
Also [sniffs] - body odor.
- Fuck you.
I use Axe body spray.
"Anarchy for Him.
" I have never longed more for the rule of law.
Can you do whatever this is somewhere else? All right, later, guys.
They got nachos today, and I gotta get that queso before it forms a skin.
So who is this guy Al was being nosy about? Why haven't we met him? I want all of the tea.
Rashid Every time I bring a guy around here, they see my girl Sam and it's like, "New phone, who dis?" What do you mean? Think about it.
If a guy cannot see how beautiful you are, he is blind.
Al has a good point about the queso skin.
I'll leave you to your messages.
I think tomorrow has to be all Rikki Carter.
I gotta break this girl down before mulatto madness takes me all the way over.
Yeah, she's wow.
[laughs] Um, hey, Jo? [Sam] Are you boy-smiling? What? No.
You've been humming Weak all day and SWV is boy-smiling music.
I am not, and black people are always humming Weak.
Okay, yeah, I hung out with a guy.
[both] Ah! Jo got a man! Jo got a man! [Sam] Girl! Why didn't you text me or FaceTime, livestream? I don't know.
You should've brought him to caucus.
Oh, I'm not ready to bring him into this circle just yet.
"Just yet"? Why? Is he white, and your TA? Because that would be unacceptable.
Whenever I bring someone around too soon, it never works out.
I just don't want to jinx it.
I get it.
I do.
I'm just so excited for you! How you walk around with that skin and all of this and stay single, I have never understood.
Bitch, me neither.
Okay, tell me more, tell me more.
What's his name? How'd you meet? - Okay, um, Trevor.
- Uh-huh.
And flirting over a dead body.
No further questions, except, what's his last name? [gasps] Oh, um, Mind-ya.
Trevor Mind-ya With a Y.
It's weird.
Nothing's coming Oh! - Okay, bitch.
- Okay.
Dad's a doctor.
Mom's a lawyer.
They're totes in love, 30 years, no pressure.
I grew up in, like, a TV Huxtable paradise, but now I'm in a different world, except with lots of white extras.
Well, you're killing it, J period Brooks.
All right, smart lady, which one of these are not like the others? Why do our dates always feel like something Neil deGrasse Tyson would host? 'Cause nothing enthralls me more than to see a beautiful woman use her mind.
Well, in that case [laughing] Um "Noche te ipsum.
" "Know thyself," Winchester's motto.
"Ad vitam aeternam.
" "To life everlasting," that's the School of Humanities "Obscuris vera involvens" This one doesn't match any of the schools here.
[grunts] Whoo! [blows] Library of the damned.
All the banned books by Winchester professors.
When Winchester discovered that their history was controversial, they buried it.
[sighs] Of course.
What? - So, this is your spot? - Uh-huh.
So from here, we can see the meeting places of the most influential secret societies of the world.
Scribes of Carthage, home to a third of the world's billionaires.
The Stonemen: half of Congress.
The Lavender Gems Aww, they sound cute.
They're responsible for several genocides.
- Several genocides? - Mm-hmm.
Damn, that's too many.
I can break down the whole world for you now.
So the power consolidation allows for the ruling class to maintain superiority s Am I doing too much? Just enough.
We both know that Ivies all started as a meet-cute for the wealthy, but that was the old world.
Some of us are working on a new one, you know? Oh.
- That's why I love A-P.
- [laughs] There was a time when the only black people on this campus were slaves.
Now we got our own house.
Okay, Neil.
Now it's my turn to show you something.
As long as there's induced intellectual ennui.
My favorite kind of ennui.
[Joelle grunts] [Joelle] You okay? Yeah.
[Joelle] While all those secret societies are planning world domination, this is what our folks were up to.
[Trevor] And what's that? [Joelle] A-P stands over a stop on the Underground Railroad.
- [Trevor] No way.
- [Joelle] Yep.
Over the years, A-P kids came down here and added art and smoked pot, and if I'm honest, probably got it in.
[Trevor chuckles] Have they no respect? What's that? Oh, man, our people are so obsessed with dressing the part, huh? Why am I the only dressed like an actual student? Bet they're saying, "Why'd Joelle let her Lyft driver come inside with her?" Don't sell yourself short.
You could drive an Uber in that.
Thank you.
So this is our dining hall.
They just started serving grits and NBD, it's amaze.
And this is our lounge, where we get our weekly dose of escapist black fantasy.
[Trevor] Wow.
- [sighs] Of course.
- Why is your picture so tiny? Obviously, you're the draw, right? - Oh? - [Trevor] That's some bullshit.
See, that's stuff I don't like.
Real sisters getting side-kicked by these light-skinned chicks.
Sam's not like that on purpose.
She's my girl.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Reggie] Yo, Jo.
You still on for open mic tomorrow? We've got plans tomorrow.
Hey, I'm Trevor King.
- Pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
Trevor and I have anatomy together.
Yes, we do.
[chuckles] - Cool, cool.
See you around.
- Okay.
Jo! There you are.
Just wanted to update you on your incredibly urgent matter.
Troy, what's going on? Davis House kids found out I'm head of house, they actually have expectations of me.
Like, did you know we're required to have two vegan options for every meal? Yes.
I've requested it many times.
You're the reason I can't get my life on track.
How many windows I gotta break to get these people off my back? Just keep proving them right, brother.
What's that mean? Only thing they love more than saying they gave one of us a chance is seeing us squander it.
Think I'll wait over there.
Sorry, he's Well, he's kind of right, Troy.
Kamal! Whoo, mama needs you to rub her feet! I've had to fight in so many elevators - [Trevor] This fucking show.
- Ugh, so extra, but so fun.
Ooh, this is the one where P Ninny cameos.
[laughs] Mom, it's not what it looks like.
Just like me catching you in my red bottoms ain't what it looked like, neither? Mom You like cock, Kamal.
[doors opening] Cupcake, Kamal, it's me.
P Ninny.
Got some bad news, y'all.
What it is, P? Well, you know your daddy, James Prince, Prince of Pality Records? He's dead.
- [cries] - Oh.
Last year's funeral was so beautiful.
Those holograms of Whitney and Prince and Michael singing Destiny's Child's greatest hits? [sighs] He ain't coming back, y'all.
This is what I'm talking about.
Another piece of propaganda designed to erode the black family.
Propaganda might be giving it too much credit.
You don't think it's a coincidence that the biggest black show in the country is about a dysfunctional family and the only redeeming character's a fag? Whoa.
[Ethan] Ugh, Prince O'Palities ? We keep missing That is Them for this crap, which I'd like to add, has a diverse cast.
That is Them? You mean the show about the noble negro that gets adopted into the white fantasy? Oh, I'm sorry.
It is, but when you say it like that, it sounds bad.
Look, I am not a racist.
Nobody here is a racist.
We just want to feel welcomed into our new home.
What does that have to do with the lunch menu? [Abigail] The smell of fried food makes me gag.
It's oppressive.
Oh, the A-P house.
The bastion of black life at Winchester.
Joelle, you know you're a queen, don't you? Wait a minute, queen like Nubian queen or like Queen Latifah? Nubian.
You are better than this place.
Oh, no.
I can break down the world for you now.
Keep proving them right.
Soon as you realize they're never gonna give it to us You got more conspiracy theories than that dude with the hair who believes aliens built the pyramids.
They might've.
You have an obsession with power and just threw the "F" word around like you're in England, looking for a smoke.
Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What? [sighs] Trevor, are you a hotep? Hotep is Egyptian for "peace.
" What I'm trying to say is God damn it! How could I not see this before? I got got by a hotep? [Sam] Hey, Jo, is everything okay? - Everything's fine.
- I was talking to my friend.
Trying to have a conversation, halfrican-American.
- Don't talk to her like that! - What, you're gonna kowtow to your mutt? Whoa, you did not just say that.
- [sighs] - [Gabe] Joelle.
Gabe, what are you doing here? You left this at the law lounge the other day.
- Thank you.
- [Gabe] I tried to text you.
Um you guys have been hanging out? He just had some questions, and we decided to get coffee.
Ten times.
- What? Jo! - Sam.
The Young Republicans just booked Rikki Carter.
Get the fuck out of here.
You know what? I don't think this is gonna work.
You take orders from that one, sneaking around with this one.
Yeah, I think I misjudged you.
Yo, bro.
What makes you think you could even step to Joelle with this shit? She a real one.
She ain't property.
Well, she acts like it.
You all do, with your skinny jean-wearing, identity-politicking, designer shoe-addicted asses.
Okay, listen, you know what, "king," let me tell you - Sam, I got this.
Ooh, let's take down the black man.
Oh, you think the black man has a monopoly on suffering? You have no clue what black women go through, probably 'cause you can't get close to one, 'cause you're fucking whack.
We deal with the same shit society heaps on you, then turn around and deal with the shit you heap on us.
Why don't you take your self-aggrandizing, overcompensating dusty ass back - to Webster House? - You know what? Fuck all of this, 'cause all you do is defend fags and dudes wearing dresses that want to be called "she," and then this uppity bitch wants to take down black men, the most disrespected, disenfranchised group that constantly takes the back seat.
- [Reggie] Take a back seat to this, nigga.
- [clamoring] Now get the fuck up and get the fuck out.
- God damn.
- Mother [spits] [students murmuring] [mutters] [cell phone chimes] I thought you didn't use your fists to resolve problems.
You resolved it.
- I just cleaned up the mess.
- [sighs] And his mouth just looked so damn punchable.
[Marc E.
Bassy's "Plot Twist"] Plot twist I never thought it would End up like this I always thought it would Only be one kiss One became a hundred Oh, all of a sudden I'm saying "I love you" Plot twist I never thought it would End up like this I always thought it would Only be one kiss One became a hundred Oh, all of a sudden I'm saying "I love you" Plot twist See, I've never been in love But I never been opposed to it I never really thought I'd ever get this close to it Where do we take a chance? 'Cause now you come into my world I'll chase you 'round the globe for it All my life I've been A player, player, player But I don't wanna play no more I guess That's the effect you got on me Plot twist Everything's happening so quick I only wanted a taste of your lips Lips became your body Nights turn into naughty You hit me with a plot twist I never thought It would end up like this I always thought it would Only be one kiss One became a hundred Nights turn into naughty You hit me with a plot twist