Dear White People (2017) s03e08 Episode Script

Chapter VIII

1 [MECHANICAL BUZZING.]
Would it be considered cultural body-shaming to note that, uh, those look a bit small for you, boo.
Still warm.
How did you get into Bechet after-hours? My reach is long.
So what's the scuttlebutt? That you're very strange? You're so funny, Muffy.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, we are both young, attractive, whip-smart women who experience many a challenge, both in the world and on this campus, so, if there is anything in that specific realm that you'd like to discuss with me, and only me, exclusively, I'm here for you.
Well, that is such a lovely offer.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
The other night I was in A-P Riveting.
- Go on.
- I overheard you talking to Coco and seems like quite the pickle you've landed on.
Professor Brown's pickle? Sorry, I'm usually more artful than this.
Oh, are you? Would you be willing to talk about what happened? I have no idea what you're talking about.
And even if I did, there's no way I'd let you use me to advance your journalistic ambition.
No, no.
That is not my intention.
Even if it is an unavoidable side-effect.
- Hmm! - I want to tell the truth about people who hold themselves up to be cultural leaders, only to themselves be morally compromised.
Wouldn't breaking, entering, and rifling through someone's laundry be considered morally compromising? Be the change you seek.
Also, those aren't my panties.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SHUTS.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
The man wrote College Dropout for Chrissake! Have some respect! He also infused vulnerability - into hip-hop - Scoot over.
paving a road for more nuanced and unique expressions from men across the entire African diaspora.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- From what I understand.
Did you overhear that understanding from someone? - Reg! - Huh? Are you filling little Clifton's head with pro-Kanye propaganda? [REG.]
Kanye? I'm not paying attention to him.
I love myself now.
But does it have to be pass-fail? Can't we be allowed to learn and grow from our mistakes? I was raised in the church.
We're well aware, nigga.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where I was taught to love the Lord, and scorn those who didn't fall into cis-heteronormative categories.
Mmm! Psalms, chapter five, verse seven! Now I literally pray to God that Chester ends up with Brown Eyes.
Brown Eyes! Yes, Lord! Please help this anonymous gay man find love! An-tee-way, I have an idea I feel that.
Guys, we can't keep punishing people for mistakes they made in the past.
- These are facts, but let's refocus - But we can't suffer fools.
If you've been in the news cycle for more than a 24-hour period, I expect you to read it every once in a while and keep ignorant shit out your mouth.
[OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS.]
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Listen, right now we're a little heavy on the black, light on the caucus.
So I propose we use the rest of our time to try something bonding and fun.
No cell phones.
[MURMURING.]
Put them in there.
Thank you very much.
Very kindly.
Okay, okay.
- No, fun makes me itch.
- Ugh.
All right.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Al! You're in public! - What was I supposed to tell her? - Not to take all her clothes off? - Al, what is wrong with you? - Yes.
- Whatever.
I'm expecting a call.
Boy, stop.
Everyone, we are playing Mafia.
The game where everyone dies and Al makes a fool of himself.
Only one time I yelled "Jenga.
" Okay, none of this is helping us bond.
Now, heads down.
If the townspeople don't come together, no one survives! [KELSEY.]
All the townspeople are asleep.
If you are the killer, open your eyes.
Point to your victim.
[GUN COCKS.]
[KELSEY.]
Okay, everyone open your eyes.
Morning has dawned.
It's daylight savings time, so you're all a little groggy because your bodies haven't fully adjusted to spring forward.
[JOELLE.]
Kelsey, you're off-task.
[KELSEY.]
Overnight we lost a real one.
Rest in everlasting peace my darling Coco! That's some bullshit! Why am I always the first to die? I have a few guesses.
Well, Sam, bring them to the group.
You guys have five minutes to decide who you think the killer is.
But we're talking about Coco.
Everybody here has a motive.
You know what? Sorry, Coco, you're dead and ghosts can't talk! - Sam did it.
- Sam?! Be real.
Y'all have had beef since freshman year.
Because you're a fuckboy.
I second that.
She seems plotty.
Okay, first of all, how you, of all people, gon' cast the first stone? And second, wouldn't that be a bit on the nose? Exactly.
It's a double fake out.
Okay, you're the only one here even capable of that level of Blackface party.
Ooh, yeah, Sam.
Yeah, it's Sam.
Mm-mmm.
Nah, it's Troy.
Probably found out about Coco's fuck buddy and now you're mad.
Fuck buddy? Coco does not have a fuck buddy.
Coco, you're dead! Hey, what's he talking about? [KELSEY.]
Okay, time's up.
Everyone go to sleep.
Killer, open your eyes.
Now that you're dead, may I ask you a question? The answer is yes, I did just wake up like this, but you can get there, too.
You simply have to determine that you're willing to make an effort.
Thanks for the tip.
Also, would you be willing to go on the record about Muffy's allegation that Professor Brown sexually assaulted her? [KELSEY SIGHS.]
All right, another night has passed, and while you've been asleep, there's been another murder.
Open your eyes.
This is going to be hard to hear.
So, I'd like everyone to turn to the person next to them and say, "We will get through this together.
" Kelsey! [OVERLAPPING GROANING, MUTTERING.]
Reggie's gone! - Shot! - No! No, that would be way too insensitive.
Reggie was Reggie was smothered.
Someone took two memory foam pillows and they formed a cone and they pressed his face Kelsey! Please! - I think Sam did it.
- Again? - Is this a bit? - I'm seeing a pattern here.
All of your ex-friends.
- Then why aren't you dead, Clarence? - Mmm.
I think it was Clifton! [GASPS.]
Joe?! I'm practically your boyfriend's best friend! Not even sort of.
Yeah, but I just don't trust your face.
It's too happy.
It is?! This is devastating! Is it? 'Cause even now you're kind of smiling.
This is feeling racially motivated, but I co-sign on it being Clifton.
Interesting that you jump at the chance to move the blame off yourself, Sam.
She's good at that.
Wait, what? Excuse me? - Oh, who said that? - You said that.
And Kordell think it's you, too, by the way, Clifton.
Or Or could it be Joelle? No, it could not be.
You were the first to put it on Clifton, and just now you turned on Sam faster than a Misty Copeland pirouette.
That reference feels suss.
Okay, Kelsey, can you please do something? Because the townspeople have gone way over their five minutes of discussion and are also out of pocket.
All in favor for executing Sam and Joelle for murder, raise your hands.
And Joelle? Sorry, ladies.
Bye bye.
Can I just leave? I don't want to miss my phone call.
Lionel, don't nobody got your phone number.
Some do now.
- Eh.
- Sadly, the killer still runs among you.
Now, close your eyes and go to sleep! Deny it all you want, but I know what I heard, Coco.
Whatever you think you heard is none of your business.
And you should find a real story to cover.
Sexual assault is a real story.
Whoa.
What did we just walk in on? Nothing, man.
Brooke's tripping.
Let's just say that our precious Moses Brown isn't as perfect as people think.
- Whoa.
- That's nuts.
According to Muffy Tuttle, it's not.
She didn't tell you that.
No, she told you that.
I heard her.
And every single person on this campus deserves to know Moses is a predator.
Hold up, hold up.
You can't just say that based on some whispers you heard.
You don't even know if it's true, which, obviously, it's not.
How is that obvious? [SCOFFS.]
Wait, what? Welp, we've lost our secret detective.
Sorry to see you go, Troy.
You were always so Actually, I don't know you that well.
- You'd have loved me.
- Hmm.
Plus, I know who the killer is.
- [STUDENT.]
What? - [LIONEL.]
How? It's all in the eyes, Lionel.
You don't get to be at a seat of student government without knowing something about human nature.
What? I I think Al's the killer.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
And he's been unusually quiet for Al.
[CLIFTON.]
Guys, Lionel's right.
Al has a mean streak.
I once heard him say he was about to blow up the bathroom.
Yo, I know you're not coming for me, homeboy.
Not with all the fiery secrets in your past.
What's that mean? What were you doing at Davis House the night of the fire, Clifton? Does anybody else smell a burnt Hot Pocket? No! No one does.
A And this is typical Al.
Lying to save himself.
All in favor of executing Clifton, the friendly fire-starting eunuch.
Clifton does give me incel vibes.
I beg your pardon.
I fucks.
- Eww.
- I still say it's Al.
Yeah, he is a pretty angry young man.
Of course he's angry.
He's a black man in America.
And you all are racially profiling him without a shred of evidence! - Thank you, Troy! - You're talking to a dead man! Don't the rules matter to anyone? If you all don't come together, you're all going to die violent, horrible deaths where only your dental records can be used to identify your charred corpses! But I'm scared.
I'm just saying, Muffy [CHUCKLES.]
okay, has been flirting with Moses since he got here.
- Wait, something happened to Muffy? - [SIGHS.]
She's been flirting with him.
Flirting how? Bringing him her Muffy muffins and shit.
Yeah, really brazen stuff.
Troy.
Help me out, nigga.
You know how Muffy gets down.
Uh Okay, what we're not going to do is slut-shame.
Or use slut-shaming to justify assault.
These fools think I'm the killer.
Just wait until they figure out who it really is.
I'm not slut-shaming anybody, I'm just stating a fact.
[SAM.]
Okay, Reg, we understand that Moses is your hero and all - It ain't got nothing to do with that.
- Doesn't it? Are you telling me you don't put people up on pedestals, only see in them what you want? Not liars.
You cured me of that.
Can we get back to the point? He did it.
Hold up, hold up.
We don't know enough.
No, I know what I heard.
- Are you standing there calling me a liar? - Yes.
[AL.]
I can't believe Moses was willing to risk it all.
I mean, Muffy's cute, but damn.
It's not about sex.
It's about power.
And the power dynamic alone makes it wrong.
I don't know.
I think a professor can hypothetically sleep with a student without it being an abuse of power.
Professors know their students virtually worship them.
They lord their access over our heads.
I think even a student-professor relationship can be consensual if it's between consenting adults who are consenting to So Troy's fucked a professor.
Got it.
Okay, well, in this case, Muffy's saying it wasn't consensual, so it's a little different.
It's a lot different.
Well, Muffy's not saying anything at all.
She won't even corroborate Brooke's story.
She's not just gonna jump out there and put her business in the streets.
It's delicate.
And now I think it's important that we focus on the facts, - and the fact is, none of us know - I know! Okay? I know.
All right? And the point is, he didn't do it.
Period.
Man, this is a bunch of bullshit, man.
Brooke's got nothing.
Feel free to malign me all you want, but the First Amendment affords the press rights and privileges that don't disappear because things may become inconvenient.
There is a story here, and I'm going to uncover it.
Whatever.
I'm done talking about this.
And y'all need to stop gossiping before y'all ruin a man's fucking reputation.
[TROY WHISTLES.]
[KORDELL.]
I wouldn't kill nobody.
[CLIFTON.]
That's right! I win! I knew it! I knew Lionel was the killer! As God is my witness.
Shame on you, Lionel.
And the whole phone bit? Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- [KORDELL.]
Lionel, murdering is a sin! - [CLIFTON.]
Yes! [KELSEY.]
Okay, Clifton, you can take it down a smidge.
I would have guessed that shit if those haters hadn't ruined my game.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, you still want me to stay the night or nah? Um, Sam's going to Gabe's as per uzh, so sure, whatever.
Ah.
An enthusiastic whatever.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
[SIGHS.]
I guess we were all wrong about Lionel.
Mm-hmm.
You assume someone's innocent, then they turn out to be a monster.
Yep.
Crazy.
Good thing Mafia's just a game.
I just don't get how you can brush this whole Moses thing aside.
How can you not think there's at least a chance he could have done this? I don't want to do this, Joe.
I'm not about to argue with you over some shit neither one of us knows anything about.
But just think about what he could have [SNORES LOUDLY.]
Really, dude? ["EWU" BY TOBE NWIGWE PLAYS.]
Useless goat Ewu, ewu, I'm the ewu joh Useless goat Ewu, ewu, I'm the ewu joh They no impress me how they talk I'm the ewu joh I'm not impressed They no impress me how they talk I'm the ewu joh I'm not impressed [BELL TOLLING.]
Hey.
- Mm-hmm? - Um I know we haven't talked much since Sam's house, but we did have a moment.
We did.
Your skin's never looked better.
What's up? Look, I don't know the situation, but I got your back.
You and Muffy.
You know where to find me.
I just wanted to tell you, I realize how valuable this opportunity is, and I have a list of things that I want to do and see, and how I'm going to make my mark on that fellowship.
Your mark.
And what points of view do you think you'd represent? Well, I'd be the first black woman to ever get it.
Is that an answer to my question? Is the novelty of race and gender the only thing you'd be bringing? No, no, of course not.
I I obviously can do the work.
I'm resilient uh a quick study, charming What effect would that have on the fellowship program? A good one? How so? Your need for the fellowship is clear, but their need for you is ? You're sweating.
But I've worked my butt off.
Not sleeping, not hanging out.
I've only thrown half the shade that I'm famous for, and I'm literally at the top of your class.
How is that not enough? I noted that grades were a prerequisite, but they are not the only criteria.
I'm giving my recommendation to someone else.
[SPEAKS FRENCH.]
You're butchering the accent, but okay.
That's all you got? You're going to let him belittle you like that? If you don't snatch every fiber of this man's edges, all three of them, you're a bigger fool than I thought.
You're a bully.
Not happy unless you're putting someone else's light under a basket.
Well, it's not my fault that you're miserable.
That's all on you.
Life is misery.
An endless wanting of things you'll never have.
Neither of us being right will change that.
However, only one of us is being paid for their opinion.
[GROANS.]
Fuck that guy.
He drives a filthy Prius covered in bumper stickers of every Ivy League college except for ours.
Dick.
I was counting on that recommendation.
And I earned it.
It's probably just a sign.
A sign? She means she feels like a fake phony fraud and it's only a matter of time before people find out.
Blah, blah, blah, South Side of Chicago.
Frankly, she's right.
I say quit while you're ahead.
Babe.
Mm-mmm.
Not babe! Colandrea.
You're brilliant, you're amazing, you know that.
You remind everyone, all the time, every day.
I don't know what I know anymore.
I'm only at this school 'cause my dad's the president.
- You know that, right? - Uh, yeah, for sure.
Never doubted it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Doors they fly open for me.
Even though I'm painfully unremarkable.
You're stressed out just thinking you're an impostor, meanwhile I'm actually an impostor, and yet I sleep like a baby.
Yeah, it's pretty gross how colicky you get at night.
I just need to cut out the root veggies.
I'll work on that.
[SIGHS.]
The world, it doesn't require a lot from me, it just wants me to win.
But I still do the best that I can with the advantages I have.
You're not that unremarkable.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Listen, if you want that fellowship, you don't need Queensfield.
There's a dozen other professors here who'd be happy to help you achieve your dreams.
I already have five backups.
None of whom have tenure.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
The professors here are so fucked up.
Thanks for getting me together.
Hey, do you want to ? I'm exhausted.
I was going to say watch a movie.
[BAG DROPS.]
Hey, um, can I talk to you for a minute? What about? I think you kind of already know.
All right, well, I I know you're cool with Muffy, and so I was wondering if, you know what you knew about all this.
Did Muffy really say If I asked you about the intimate conversations you have with your friends, would that be okay? Would that be any of my business? So she did say it.
What she said doesn't matter.
What matters is the fact that you don't have the right to ask.
I see you're getting your recommended eight.
Hmm.
Did you assault Muffy Tuttle? Excuse me? There's a rumor.
- I know, it's it's crazy.
- Whoa, whoa.
Where is this coming from? You know how things float around on campus.
I am so stupid.
What? Well, you know You know I host a lot of events at my house.
Dinners with students and faculty and Thursday afternoon teas.
Anyway, I started having office hours here, because my office barely gets any light.
- Clearly an OSHA violation.
- No doubt.
She came over.
Nothing happened.
And Hey, between you and me, it's only because I didn't let it.
Those moist muffins.
I knew this was some white fantasy-type shit, man.
It's typical for students to develop crushes on professors.
You know, when you're you're helping to develop new beliefs and cultivating new ideas and But I did not expect her to kiss me.
Word? She she kissed you? Yeah.
But I shut it down.
- I shut that shit down immediately.
- Of course you did, man.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Why would she say I assaulted her? Mad? Embarrassed? [GROWLS.]
I should've seen this coming.
This is It isn't your fault, Moses.
You were always gonna reject her and she was always gonna be mad about it.
You might be right, but with the Best Mode launch coming, this is suspicious timing.
Whiteness never lets up.
Oh, my God, I hadn't even thought about the app.
What are you going to do? Hmm.
We need to think.
Well, I guess if he said it didn't happen, then we have to believe him, right? I do believe him, Joe.
The question is, why don't you? Because why would she make it up? Really, Joe? Really what? This country doesn't have a rich history of white women falsely accusing black men of all kinds of shit? From whistling to rape? That's weak as hell and you know it.
Why are black men so quick to defend each other on this? Black people and our fucking issues! You do know these things happen to our community, too, right? And I don't just mean a little bit.
What are you doing? A bathroom video of you performing "I Believe I Can Fly.
" Last year.
Apropos of nothing.
Now, what were you saying about cultural blind spots? - I'm allowed to evolve.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, let me ask you a question.
You think if you were assaulted on campus Whoa! Maybe not throw that out as a hypothetical to a woman! I'm I'm just saying, you think someone like Muffy, a.
k.
a.
Miss "Black women should just lean in," would come to your defense? Don't start.
I'm the one who told you about that Psychology of Women Quarterly study, Reggie.
Mmm.
You mean the one where white female college students said that they'd be less likely to help if they thought a black woman was at risk of being sexually assaulted because they felt less personally connected to the situation? That the study you told me about? The one that made it clear that race was more important than gender when it comes to them feeling personal responsibility? - Okay, whatever.
- You read that, too? - I did.
- Because 'Cause I can't tell.
- Well, I read it, I gave it to you.
- Okay, you had your glasses? And what about everything Moses has done for all the black students here? - [REGGIE.]
Including me.
- What about it? He's changed my life, Joelle.
And And, like, think about what this will do to the app.
Ugh.
Best Mode.
Oh, my God.
Ohh.
I see now.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you talking about? You're jealous.
You've been salty since day one that I'm using the app, that I'm hanging out with Moses instead of you.
Because God forbid that someone or something not you could possibly help me.
Are you fucking serious right now? Yeah.
Admit it.
You don't fuck with Moses, so you're looking for reasons to to to just hate on him, like, for real or imagined.
Just because I don't worship at the feet of your black messiah doesn't make me jealous.
Or you know what? Maybe I am jealous.
You're going hard in the paint for a man you just met, and meanwhile I feel like a side chick and Moses is wifey.
Don't talk to me like I'm a sucker, Joe, seriously.
Hey, did you guys hear - Hear what? - What now? Muffy changed her story.
Now she's saying that nothing happened.
That she was confused.
[KNOCKING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ugh.
Sacrebleu.
You have to help me.
Don't tell me what I have to do.
You claim you want to champion women's rights, but you're willing to throw another woman under the bus to do it? This has nothing to do with Muffy.
It never did.
[KELSEY.]
Is that Brooke? Brooke who thinks the rules don't apply to her? Brooke who's so wrapped up in her own needs that she doesn't care who she screws over? That's a yes.
The answer to every question I just asked is yes.
I get it, okay? I'm sorry, Kelsey, that I was vulnerable enough with you to be honest, before and after, as best I could.
I'm sorry that I didn't know what I didn't know, and when I did, my truth hurt you.
Cut it out.
You don't just get to come here and absolve yourself.
I made a mistake.
But nothing matters more to me than the truth.
I would die for it.
And maybe that makes me too much for you or too much for anybody.
But for the first time, I think we're standing on something that may be worth some real personal sacrifice.
And I think it's worth it.
She needs to holler at some benzodiazepine.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
No shame in it.
I don't disagree.
This has gotten me through some of my worst childhood moments.
Is this your way of telling me you were a fat kid? - Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Professors have too much power, Muffy.
We both know that.
I probably made more of the Moses thing than I should have.
I mean, when I think about it, nothing really happened.
You sure about that? Because if he hurt you Uh, isn't feminism about making a choice? I've made mine.
I think.
I can respect that.
More than you know.
I'm just I'm really confused.