Deli Boys (2025) s01e02 Episode Script
Deadly Boys
1
["Total Wreck" by Bahamadia
playing on car radio]
Hello? Ma'am? Hello?
I-is this your car? You can't park here.
-Boom.
-[gasps]
["Total Wreck" continues playing]
In my stid I'll hops ♪
At the top like fizz and soda pop ♪
The effect of my flics
hit you like a judo chop ♪
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gun firing]
[bullet shells clinking]
[indistinct chatter]
Salaam, salaam.
What the fuck is happening, Lucky?
Hey! Nothing we can't handle.
Just need a plan.
I'm not taking my shoes off
inside the house.
-I hate that bullshit.
-Like hell you won't.
[speaks native language]
Bastard.
Ek minute, okay?
[speaks native language]
[Raj and Mir on video clamoring]
[Raj Dar] What are we gonna do, man?
I don't know where he is.
Oh, my God. What idiots.
[Raj] [through phone]
Is he dead or
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Fuck!
Stop screaming! You're making it worse.
You stop screaming!
We gotta think about this. Okay?
We gotta go hide somewhere
unfathomably far from here.
Florida?
-Yes.
-[phones buzzing]
Oh, God, it's Lucky Auntie.
Okay. Whatever you do,
do not pick up the phone.
Lucky Auntie, hi. Uh, w-what's good?
Uh, you know, we're just
at the deli doing deli things.
Being, being deli guys.
I can see you.
There's a camera up there. Look.
-Huh?
-[Lucky] Up. Left.
Other left.
[through phone] Up, up.
What the hell is going on there?
Hi, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.
We were talking,
and we think we're better suited
to doing something
other than running this front.
[Raj] We're gonna run away
to Tallahassee, Florida.
Shut the fuck up. That ship has sailed.
Look, we're in crisis point here. Hold on.
If this meeting with the board
doesn't go well, we're all dead.
-Dead?
-What board?
The board. The
You know what? [sighs]
I don't have time to explain
the illegal drug business
to you two baby men.
Okay? I just need to go in there
[on phone]
and take control of stuff right now.
Wait. Is that why you tried
to kill Hamza?
[jarring music plays]
-[gunshot]
-[blood spatters]
What do you mean "tried"?
[gasping, panting]
[both panting]
-Oh, I
-Well, he just
He's just, like, not dead, like, at all.
[Mir Dar] H-h-he's-he's like half-dead.
[Raj] Well, he-he's half-dead,
and he got up and ran away
and we sort of lost him.
[whispering] What do you mean not dead?
You need to go, you need
to fucking find him.
You need to kill him,
and you need to put him in the apartment
upstairs of the deli, okay?
There's an apartment above the deli?
-You hear me? You need to
-[Ali] Yo.
[Lucky speaks native language]
-Almost done.
-Okay.
[Lucky] Just coming.
You need to get him
and you need to do it right now!
-Okay.
-Okay. Alright. Okay.
[Lucky sighs]
Sorry. That was my gynecologist.
-[Raj] I have no idea where he went.
-Shit, shit, shit, shit.
-You know where he went?
-How are we gonna find this guy?
If we don't, we're screwed.
We're closed!
[Raj] I'm sure we can find a guy
with a paper bag on his head.
-Oh, shit! I mean, hello.
-[Raj] Hi.
Agent Mercer from the DarCo raid.
What are you doing here?
I heard there was an ABC Deli
somehow still open and operating.
Just thought I would
come see it for myself.
Yes. Well, this is
a completely separate enterprise
on account for it lacking
the proper hookup
-for a regulation hotdog turner.
-Yes.
[Francis Mercer]
Do you expect me to believe
that you two spoiled brats
are actually working here?
Why is everybody being
so mean to us today?
Detective, ma'am,
you know more than anyone
that the government
has taken everything from us,
including my casual tennis clothes.
Yes. So if you don't have
a warrant, then we
[both] "reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone."
Guys, I know you're hiding something.
Your father was a master criminal.
There's no way the two of you
could possibly be this stupid.
-[both yelp]
-What?
-[Raj] Uh
-N-nothing.
Please continue.
I got a hunch that you Dars
are up to something worse than tax fraud.
Ma'am, there is nothing worse
than tax fraud.
Hmm.
[Mir/Raj gasp]
I'm taking this Tastykake.
Okay. You can have it.
-[bell jingles]
-T-thank you. Have a good day.
Okay! Go-Go in the back!
Go in the back!
I'm gonna cover two blocks
west of the deli.
You cover two blocks east.
We'll find him in the middle.
Dude, you don't catch
a guy by chasing him.
But this is a chase.
Hamza runs. We chase
or people are gonna kill us.
I don't chase.
I attract.
What does that even mean?
Oh, my God,
I've known you my entire life.
I don't understand half the shit
that's coming out of your mouth,
and now I'm stuck in this
fucking nightmare with you.
I like that we get to learn
about this part of Baba's life.
It's like another facet to the guy.
Raj, Baba was a fraud, a drug dealer,
and possibly a murderer.
Everybody's got flaws, Mir.
I love him even more
knowing he wasn't perfect.
You're completely insane.
Ooh, pretzels!
Why are you collecting garbage pretzels?
Come on, help me grab these.
[solemn sitar music playing]
We can't start without Hamza.
Oh, I'm sure he's just late.
We'll catch him up later.
We have so much to get through.
I do hope
nothing has happened to him.
What could have possibly happened to him?
Do you know something I don't?
Like, was he trying to make
a move on the deli
to help you take over as CEO?
No. He's probably just late.
-Hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Let's start.
Salaam, everyone.
In the wake of the loss
of our beloved leader, Baba Dar,
I hereby call this emergency meeting
to discuss next steps for Dark DarCo.
Shall we take attendance? Lucky, present.
-Ahmad, here.
-Ali. Here.
-Feraz, here.
-Hassan, present.
Dawar, here.
Hamza, absent.
[solemn sitar music playing]
Okay, let's begin.
Just a matter of time.
This isn't gonna work, man.
We're fucking screwed.
That attitude is gonna get us nowhere.
Really? And your pretzel trap
is gonna work?
-Life is not a cartoon, Raj.
-Agree to disagree.
What do I know? My life is ruined.
I have nothing. Who cares?
Hey, man. You're gonna be
all right, little bro.
Holy fucking shit.
-[Raj] Got you now, you fuck!
-[Mir] Stop screaming.
-You're gonna scare him away.
-He's not a cat.
[exciting music playing]
[brothers shouting]
-[car honks, tires screech]
-[body thuds]
-[Hamza groans]
-Oh!
[Lucky] So, the recent disruption
to our business
by the fucking FBI has had
a catastrophic effect
on our bottom line.
We are currently in the red. Blood red.
Yes. Ali, thank you so much
for letting us use your house.
It's very nice.
My wife has great taste.
What the fuck is happening?
Without ABC Delis, we have
no distribution system.
Correct. We are trying to get
a new distribution system
up and running.
And how long will that take?
We are in the process
of finding the best
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Look, this organization is on
the path to total destruction.
-It
-[Ahmad] Baba pissed away millions
on those golf courses
and depleted all our cash.
Baba was using those golf courses
to get into the international market.
Very smart move in the long run. So
In the long run.
But in the short run, where we live,
the Peruvians want their ten mil.
Ten million?
-[all chattering]
-We're in a fucking hole,
and we can't even earn
our own bread and butter.
This is just a temporary setback.
Tell that to the Peruvians
when they're slitting our throats.
Not if we kill them first.
[all shouting]
Whatever you think,
panicking is not going to get us anywhere.
What we need is a plan and a leader.
Me. I'm the obvious choice.
-I don't think so.
-And so
No. I think we need
to elect a new leader. Me.
I call for a vote to elect
the new CEO of Dark DarCo.
[laughs] A vote?
Come on, watch this.
All in favor of a vote.
Fuck me.
Oh, my God. [groans]
Our friend had way too much
to drink last night.
-Hey.
-Tequila. You know how it is.
-[Mir groans]
-[Raj] That must be the apartment.
-[Mir] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Raj/Mir grunting]
[Raj] Come on,
let's get him upstairs.
[straining] Okay.
Okay. Alright. We got this.
Okay, come on.
[Raj/Mir grunting]
Whoa!
-Oh, my God.
-[body thuds]
Holy shit.
Baba had a secret lair.
That is so fucking baller.
Look at these pillows, man. Wow.
Miss you, big guy.
[solemn music playing]
[Hamza groans]
[Raj] Goddammit.
This fucker is still alive?
[Mir] How is that possible?
We gotta think of something, man.
Tie him to that radiator.
Okay, grab his arm.
-One, two, three.
-[Raj] Three!
-Where is the radiator?
-[Mir] It's over there!
[Raj] I haven't scanned
the whole place yet.
-[Mir] Yeah, yeah.
-Okay.
-[Raj/Mir grunting]
-[Mir] Okay.
[off-hook tone]
Let's tie him up.
-Okay.
-[cell phone buzzing]
[sighs] Poor bastard.
Hey, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.
We talked earlier on the phone today.
I called you, you idiot.
Did you find Hamza?
[Hamza groans]
Yes, we indeed found him,
we took him upstairs,
and he's currently tied to a radiator.
What do you mean tied?
Is he still alive?
Yeah, he is, but just barely alive.
You know, it's actually kind of amazing.
This guy's a real survivor.
-[Mir] He got hit by a car.
-[Raj] Yeah.
Amazing. Re-kill him.
Um, what? You're the one
that didn't kill him enough.
There's a gun in the credenza.
You need to just finish him off now.
-[Mir] What?
-"What, what, what, what, what, what?"
What part of this are you
not understanding?
Credenza, if I'm being honest.
I-I-I don't think I know
what that is. Is it a
Okay, Lucky Auntie, we can't kill a guy!
And yet you are going to,
or we are all fucked.
Will you just fucking handle this?
[sighs]
I have to go write my campaign speech.
[Lucky fake-laughs]
Goddamn. How did all these videos
about guns not get taken down?
I don't know, man. They flagged my video
making weed-infused biryani.
-You were naked in it.
-So?
[Hamza groans softly]
Yikes. He does not sound too good.
Yeah, maybe we won't have
to kill him though.
You know, it sounds like
nature is taking its course.
-Huh.
-Maybe we should do something for him.
Like, uh, like get him a last meal.
You're so smart. You are so smart. Yes.
I'm gonna go get him a Slim Jim.
Maybe something sweet.
[Raj] Ice cream!
[Brett Simpson] Smoke was trickling in
through a broken window.
As we ran down the hallway
yelling and screaming,
emotions ran high.
The kind of emotions that you can only get
when you've given in
to a treasonous cause.
[agents chuckling]
Two years undercover
with the Lads of Honor?
-You're a legend.
-[agents laughing]
[agent] Show the video again.
Yeah! Y'all ready for this?
Yeah!
-[yokel] It's not moving.
-[grunting]
Suck on this, Nancy.
[groans]
[chanting] USA! USA!
So you actually took
a dump on Pelosi's desk?
[Brett] I shit on someone's desk.
You have to buy my book to find out.
[all laugh]
What's it called?
January 6th: How I Saved Democracy.
-Epic.
-[Brett] Thank you.
I think it is pretty epic.
Director Simpson,
you're my new supervisor.
Francis Mercer. Welcome to Philadelphia.
I have something major that
you are gonna want to hear about.
Can you come back
in, like, 10 minutes?
Uh, wait, make it 20.
-[agents laugh]
-"Chapter Six, The Aftermath.
"We met at the hotel bar,
and shots were on me.
What did they order? Well whiskey."
[agents laugh]
As you know, I was Baba's key disciple
with deep involvement
in both DarCo and Dark DarCo.
I know where all the bodies are buried.
Put half of them there myself.
And, uh, I also know that
this organization works best
-when it comes to our enemies.
-[Ahmad sighs]
Would you just stop that?
I have proven my worth
to this organization
with decades of dedication
that has helped make each
and every one of you
very, very rich, so you're welcome.
And, um, yeah
thank you so much.
No, thank you, Lucky.
Some say "Loser Lucky."
[chuckles]
That's my nickname for her.
"Loser Lucky" 'cause that's what she is.
Can you imagine this woman thinks
she can fill Baba's shoes?
I was the only one who stood up to Baba.
Because you were trying to undermine him.
Those golf courses put us
in debt. I was right.
Baba died before he could see
his vision through.
Oh, stop interrupting.
Oh, wait, you're a woman.
-You can't. [chuckles]
-[group groans]
Ah, come on! You guys know me.
I'm fucking crazy!
But in a good way.
In a way that outlaws respect.
So let's put an end to this
and do the only responsible thing.
All in favor of me.
Yeah.
[Lucky laughs]
Watch and learn, old man.
All in favor of me, go ahead,
raise your hands.
Take your hands off your dicks
and raise them.
[Mir/Raj groan]
-I think he likes it though.
-I don't think so.
[phone chiming]
[Mir] Oh, shit. It's Bushra.
I'm gonna lose her too.
Fucked.
Oh, goddammit!
I got this, bro.
-[knife scrapes]
-[Mir] Hey.
-[Raj] Alright.
-What are you doing?
Alright, let's fucking do this.
[Mir] No, no, no, no, no, no, dude,
we can't just kill a guy
because you're hyped up about it.
Why not? That's, like,
how every stabbing works.
The stabber is all hyped up to stab.
Are you listening
to yourself right now?
The universe brought us here, man.
Stop fighting it.
Why can't you allow yourself
to think for one second?
This is not normal. Baba was not normal.
Normal is a
[both] Social construct, man.
"It's just capitalism, dude."
Stop talking like a Bad Brains T-shirt
and think for one second.
I don't have time for that, Mir.
Okay? Yeah, this situation is fucked.
But how's it gonna be
if both of us are freaking out?
[grunts] You're gonna do it?
-No.
-[Raj] Then let me.
Okay.
Alright!
You ready to die, man?
You ready to get fucked up, man?
Ooh! [groaning] Die!
[knife clatters]
[Raj sighs]
-I couldn't do it.
-Yeah.
[Brett] Was I ever in danger?
Yes, I was.
-Next Question?
-[agents laugh]
Ugh.
Holy shit.
Poison, too much screen time,
autoerotic asphyxiatio
What happened to the knife?
What happened to Hamza?
-[Hamza grunts]
-Oh, shit!
[Raj moans]
Ow!
-[Mir screams]
-[lamp shatters]
[Mir panting]
[yelps] Ow!
Oh, my God. Oh, you saved me, man.
-Oh, my God, I killed him!
-But to save me.
I actually killed him for real this time.
To save me!
[ominous music playing]
[screams]
Ow!
[Mir] Oh, God. I-I should
put pressure on it, right?
Or am I not supposed to move you
until the ambulance gets here?
No, we can't call an ambulance, man.
You just killed a guy.
Okay, for the record, we killed a guy.
Okay? I don't want that on my hands alone.
Okay, stick your finger in it.
What? Why would I do that?
You stick your finger in it
and then you smell your fingers.
If it smells like poop,
then I'll die
of the worst infection ever.
-Go.
-Who told you that?
It was on Better Call Saul, man.
You didn't watch Better Call Saul?
No, I don't have AMC Plus.
You can buy every season on Prime Video.
But I'm already paying
a subscription fee, Raj.
I'm not gonna pay more
for a specific show just on principle.
Okay, just hurry.
Stick your finger in it.
[Bushra] Mir?
-Bushra?
-[Bushra] Mir, are you there?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
[grunts] Hey!
I know we promised not to look
at each other's shared location
unless it was an emergency.
But this is an emergency.
I'm worried about you.
What is this place?
[Raj] Ugh, hurry, Mir.
I need your finger.
Is someone in there?
Uh, yeah, it's, um, Raj.
He actually wants to say hi.
Hold on a second.
Ow! Ow! Oh, hi.
-Hi, Raj.
-[Raj] See you.
[Raj groaning]
You know, we're so busy grieving.
You know, Raj is in a really bad place.
[Raj] [crying] I'm gonna die.
Is he saying he's gonna die?
From grief.
You know, he's, he's really dramatic.
You know how he is.
Something's not right, Mir.
Do you like Florida?
Miami and the Keys are nice.
I love you so much.
I really have to go.
Okay. I promise I'm gonna get
our lives back to normal so soon.
Okay? I'll see you
in the next 24 to 96 hours.
Don't shut me out, Mir.
I'm not shutting you out.
Call Prairie.
Raj, your shaman can't help us.
There's some things
that can't be cured with DMT, okay?
-Call her.
-[Mir sighs]
I'm told that the Dalai Lama's robes
brushed up against it.
-Mm.
-And it's deeply discounted right now.
-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, hold that thought.
Hi, my king. I can't talk
right now. I'm liquidating.
[on phone] I didn't realize how important
you being rich was
to my healing abilities.
Turns out the strongest crystal is money.
Hi, babe. I just wanted to
[Prairie] No, but don't worry
about it, baby.
I got this. I got us.
I'm gonna do whatever I need to do
to get us back into alignment
with our orgy cabal.
What's up?
Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.
Okay. Hi. I gotta go.
What the fuck was that?
We should probably go
to the hospital so I don't die.
Raj, we can't take you to the hospital.
[child crying]
Hey, Baba trusted Dr. Elahi-Khan, okay?
She won't report this.
They still have the same toys.
Yeah. Oh.
Yeah, they do.
Eissa Ibrahim Dar?
Uh, it's Raj.
Oh, Dr. Elahi-Khan will see you now.
Okay.
-Oh.
-[straining] I think I can do it.
-There you go.
-Alright, fine.
-[Mir] There you go.
-[nurse] Um
-Alright. See you soon, buddy.
-[Raj] Okay.
[baby crying]
Hey, psst.
I know he seems like a great guy.
He gets you ice cream, he reads to you.
But in your quiet moments,
ask yourself
do you really know him?
[sighs]
And on our seventh vote,
we are three for him and three for me.
Look, we are wasting precious time
when we should be getting
the business up and running.
Why don't you just vote for me,
and we can move on
with our lives? Goddammit.
Is it because I'm gay?
No. No. Of course not.
We love Charlie.
Makes great chaat.
Wait, Charlie's your boyfriend?
I thought he was your dad. He's like 90.
Yeah. And I'm the twink.
What's your point?
Goddammit! I just wish Baba were here.
None of you can fill his shoes. Idiots.
He was a great man.
I truly miss him.
[door opens]
Lunch is here!
I've got the 76ers foot-long slam-wich
for my friend right here. How you doing?
[Ali] Ooh! You got the slam-wich!
Okay, we need to stop this, Ahmad.
I don't like you, you don't like me
Oh, that's putting it mildly.
You're power hungry.
Baba let you get away with murder.
But he's gone now.
You are a petty narcissist
with a cheap suit on.
But guess what?
We have to put
our differences aside
for the greater good, don't we?
If Hamza were here,
I'd be Chief Saab
and you'd be serving me chai.
Will you just cut the misogyny,
you fuckstick?
We have to get the business operational
by naming a CEO.
The clock is ticking with the Peruvians,
and you know it.
I have an idea.
One of the lads put
his gun right here,
and he said, "You wanna hang out
with Mike Pence?"
I said, "Relax, brother.
I want to hang Mike Pence."
-So then, we all got to
-[door opens]
I am this close to blowing up
the entire Dar crime family.
I want to reopen the case.
On what grounds?
Why are you giving me
a half-eaten Tastykake? I don't want this.
That Tastykake is from
a prime impulse buy spot
at the last ABC Deli.
Look at the wrapper. It expired in 2021.
The bestselling prepackaged cake
in all of Philadelphia?
That's fishy.
So, you think it's a front?
Y-yes.
This is gonna be big. I can feel it.
[ominous music playing]
When I went after the Lads of Honor,
they told me I'd be wasting
millions of dollars
in federal resources,
that I'd embarrass myself,
my country, the agency.
But look at me now.
Go get 'em.
Thank you.
♪♪
[sighs] I want my old life back.
The one where I didn't kill anybody
and I could still afford sushi.
Here. It's root beer.
Raj. We can't live like this.
Tallahassee?
Tallahassee.
Yeah. We go there and we start over.
I work my way up the corporate ladder
at some soul-sucking company
and eventually I send for Bushra
[Raj/Mir yelling]
[Raj] Ow, ow, my knee!
-[Mir screaming]
-[Raj] Ow!
[tires screeching]
["Bobs n' Bits" by Anticalm playing]
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪
Uncle Clive on my side
he knows that I'm high ♪
But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪
How did you get that shh ♪
Bobs n' Bits ♪
Hey, stuff it ♪
Honey, it's none of your beeswax ♪
[indistinct rapping]
Oh, they love me,
it's so unanimous ♪
Brudda, I'm too old for likin' this ♪
Maybe if it was a Greek God, hm ♪
-I'd be so curious baggin' this ♪
-Oh ♪
[indistinct rapping]
No more chattin'
I'm hearin' them bobs n' bits ♪
Ah, Sideshow Bob with a lop top ♪
I'm where the problem lives, ah ♪
♪♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪
Uncle Clive on my side
he knows that I'm high ♪
But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪
How did you get that shh ♪
Bobs n' Bits ♪
[song fades out]
[fanfare playing]
["Total Wreck" by Bahamadia
playing on car radio]
Hello? Ma'am? Hello?
I-is this your car? You can't park here.
-Boom.
-[gasps]
["Total Wreck" continues playing]
In my stid I'll hops ♪
At the top like fizz and soda pop ♪
The effect of my flics
hit you like a judo chop ♪
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gun firing]
[bullet shells clinking]
[indistinct chatter]
Salaam, salaam.
What the fuck is happening, Lucky?
Hey! Nothing we can't handle.
Just need a plan.
I'm not taking my shoes off
inside the house.
-I hate that bullshit.
-Like hell you won't.
[speaks native language]
Bastard.
Ek minute, okay?
[speaks native language]
[Raj and Mir on video clamoring]
[Raj Dar] What are we gonna do, man?
I don't know where he is.
Oh, my God. What idiots.
[Raj] [through phone]
Is he dead or
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Fuck!
Stop screaming! You're making it worse.
You stop screaming!
We gotta think about this. Okay?
We gotta go hide somewhere
unfathomably far from here.
Florida?
-Yes.
-[phones buzzing]
Oh, God, it's Lucky Auntie.
Okay. Whatever you do,
do not pick up the phone.
Lucky Auntie, hi. Uh, w-what's good?
Uh, you know, we're just
at the deli doing deli things.
Being, being deli guys.
I can see you.
There's a camera up there. Look.
-Huh?
-[Lucky] Up. Left.
Other left.
[through phone] Up, up.
What the hell is going on there?
Hi, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.
We were talking,
and we think we're better suited
to doing something
other than running this front.
[Raj] We're gonna run away
to Tallahassee, Florida.
Shut the fuck up. That ship has sailed.
Look, we're in crisis point here. Hold on.
If this meeting with the board
doesn't go well, we're all dead.
-Dead?
-What board?
The board. The
You know what? [sighs]
I don't have time to explain
the illegal drug business
to you two baby men.
Okay? I just need to go in there
[on phone]
and take control of stuff right now.
Wait. Is that why you tried
to kill Hamza?
[jarring music plays]
-[gunshot]
-[blood spatters]
What do you mean "tried"?
[gasping, panting]
[both panting]
-Oh, I
-Well, he just
He's just, like, not dead, like, at all.
[Mir Dar] H-h-he's-he's like half-dead.
[Raj] Well, he-he's half-dead,
and he got up and ran away
and we sort of lost him.
[whispering] What do you mean not dead?
You need to go, you need
to fucking find him.
You need to kill him,
and you need to put him in the apartment
upstairs of the deli, okay?
There's an apartment above the deli?
-You hear me? You need to
-[Ali] Yo.
[Lucky speaks native language]
-Almost done.
-Okay.
[Lucky] Just coming.
You need to get him
and you need to do it right now!
-Okay.
-Okay. Alright. Okay.
[Lucky sighs]
Sorry. That was my gynecologist.
-[Raj] I have no idea where he went.
-Shit, shit, shit, shit.
-You know where he went?
-How are we gonna find this guy?
If we don't, we're screwed.
We're closed!
[Raj] I'm sure we can find a guy
with a paper bag on his head.
-Oh, shit! I mean, hello.
-[Raj] Hi.
Agent Mercer from the DarCo raid.
What are you doing here?
I heard there was an ABC Deli
somehow still open and operating.
Just thought I would
come see it for myself.
Yes. Well, this is
a completely separate enterprise
on account for it lacking
the proper hookup
-for a regulation hotdog turner.
-Yes.
[Francis Mercer]
Do you expect me to believe
that you two spoiled brats
are actually working here?
Why is everybody being
so mean to us today?
Detective, ma'am,
you know more than anyone
that the government
has taken everything from us,
including my casual tennis clothes.
Yes. So if you don't have
a warrant, then we
[both] "reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone."
Guys, I know you're hiding something.
Your father was a master criminal.
There's no way the two of you
could possibly be this stupid.
-[both yelp]
-What?
-[Raj] Uh
-N-nothing.
Please continue.
I got a hunch that you Dars
are up to something worse than tax fraud.
Ma'am, there is nothing worse
than tax fraud.
Hmm.
[Mir/Raj gasp]
I'm taking this Tastykake.
Okay. You can have it.
-[bell jingles]
-T-thank you. Have a good day.
Okay! Go-Go in the back!
Go in the back!
I'm gonna cover two blocks
west of the deli.
You cover two blocks east.
We'll find him in the middle.
Dude, you don't catch
a guy by chasing him.
But this is a chase.
Hamza runs. We chase
or people are gonna kill us.
I don't chase.
I attract.
What does that even mean?
Oh, my God,
I've known you my entire life.
I don't understand half the shit
that's coming out of your mouth,
and now I'm stuck in this
fucking nightmare with you.
I like that we get to learn
about this part of Baba's life.
It's like another facet to the guy.
Raj, Baba was a fraud, a drug dealer,
and possibly a murderer.
Everybody's got flaws, Mir.
I love him even more
knowing he wasn't perfect.
You're completely insane.
Ooh, pretzels!
Why are you collecting garbage pretzels?
Come on, help me grab these.
[solemn sitar music playing]
We can't start without Hamza.
Oh, I'm sure he's just late.
We'll catch him up later.
We have so much to get through.
I do hope
nothing has happened to him.
What could have possibly happened to him?
Do you know something I don't?
Like, was he trying to make
a move on the deli
to help you take over as CEO?
No. He's probably just late.
-Hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Let's start.
Salaam, everyone.
In the wake of the loss
of our beloved leader, Baba Dar,
I hereby call this emergency meeting
to discuss next steps for Dark DarCo.
Shall we take attendance? Lucky, present.
-Ahmad, here.
-Ali. Here.
-Feraz, here.
-Hassan, present.
Dawar, here.
Hamza, absent.
[solemn sitar music playing]
Okay, let's begin.
Just a matter of time.
This isn't gonna work, man.
We're fucking screwed.
That attitude is gonna get us nowhere.
Really? And your pretzel trap
is gonna work?
-Life is not a cartoon, Raj.
-Agree to disagree.
What do I know? My life is ruined.
I have nothing. Who cares?
Hey, man. You're gonna be
all right, little bro.
Holy fucking shit.
-[Raj] Got you now, you fuck!
-[Mir] Stop screaming.
-You're gonna scare him away.
-He's not a cat.
[exciting music playing]
[brothers shouting]
-[car honks, tires screech]
-[body thuds]
-[Hamza groans]
-Oh!
[Lucky] So, the recent disruption
to our business
by the fucking FBI has had
a catastrophic effect
on our bottom line.
We are currently in the red. Blood red.
Yes. Ali, thank you so much
for letting us use your house.
It's very nice.
My wife has great taste.
What the fuck is happening?
Without ABC Delis, we have
no distribution system.
Correct. We are trying to get
a new distribution system
up and running.
And how long will that take?
We are in the process
of finding the best
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Look, this organization is on
the path to total destruction.
-It
-[Ahmad] Baba pissed away millions
on those golf courses
and depleted all our cash.
Baba was using those golf courses
to get into the international market.
Very smart move in the long run. So
In the long run.
But in the short run, where we live,
the Peruvians want their ten mil.
Ten million?
-[all chattering]
-We're in a fucking hole,
and we can't even earn
our own bread and butter.
This is just a temporary setback.
Tell that to the Peruvians
when they're slitting our throats.
Not if we kill them first.
[all shouting]
Whatever you think,
panicking is not going to get us anywhere.
What we need is a plan and a leader.
Me. I'm the obvious choice.
-I don't think so.
-And so
No. I think we need
to elect a new leader. Me.
I call for a vote to elect
the new CEO of Dark DarCo.
[laughs] A vote?
Come on, watch this.
All in favor of a vote.
Fuck me.
Oh, my God. [groans]
Our friend had way too much
to drink last night.
-Hey.
-Tequila. You know how it is.
-[Mir groans]
-[Raj] That must be the apartment.
-[Mir] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Raj/Mir grunting]
[Raj] Come on,
let's get him upstairs.
[straining] Okay.
Okay. Alright. We got this.
Okay, come on.
[Raj/Mir grunting]
Whoa!
-Oh, my God.
-[body thuds]
Holy shit.
Baba had a secret lair.
That is so fucking baller.
Look at these pillows, man. Wow.
Miss you, big guy.
[solemn music playing]
[Hamza groans]
[Raj] Goddammit.
This fucker is still alive?
[Mir] How is that possible?
We gotta think of something, man.
Tie him to that radiator.
Okay, grab his arm.
-One, two, three.
-[Raj] Three!
-Where is the radiator?
-[Mir] It's over there!
[Raj] I haven't scanned
the whole place yet.
-[Mir] Yeah, yeah.
-Okay.
-[Raj/Mir grunting]
-[Mir] Okay.
[off-hook tone]
Let's tie him up.
-Okay.
-[cell phone buzzing]
[sighs] Poor bastard.
Hey, Lucky Auntie. It's Mir Dar.
We talked earlier on the phone today.
I called you, you idiot.
Did you find Hamza?
[Hamza groans]
Yes, we indeed found him,
we took him upstairs,
and he's currently tied to a radiator.
What do you mean tied?
Is he still alive?
Yeah, he is, but just barely alive.
You know, it's actually kind of amazing.
This guy's a real survivor.
-[Mir] He got hit by a car.
-[Raj] Yeah.
Amazing. Re-kill him.
Um, what? You're the one
that didn't kill him enough.
There's a gun in the credenza.
You need to just finish him off now.
-[Mir] What?
-"What, what, what, what, what, what?"
What part of this are you
not understanding?
Credenza, if I'm being honest.
I-I-I don't think I know
what that is. Is it a
Okay, Lucky Auntie, we can't kill a guy!
And yet you are going to,
or we are all fucked.
Will you just fucking handle this?
[sighs]
I have to go write my campaign speech.
[Lucky fake-laughs]
Goddamn. How did all these videos
about guns not get taken down?
I don't know, man. They flagged my video
making weed-infused biryani.
-You were naked in it.
-So?
[Hamza groans softly]
Yikes. He does not sound too good.
Yeah, maybe we won't have
to kill him though.
You know, it sounds like
nature is taking its course.
-Huh.
-Maybe we should do something for him.
Like, uh, like get him a last meal.
You're so smart. You are so smart. Yes.
I'm gonna go get him a Slim Jim.
Maybe something sweet.
[Raj] Ice cream!
[Brett Simpson] Smoke was trickling in
through a broken window.
As we ran down the hallway
yelling and screaming,
emotions ran high.
The kind of emotions that you can only get
when you've given in
to a treasonous cause.
[agents chuckling]
Two years undercover
with the Lads of Honor?
-You're a legend.
-[agents laughing]
[agent] Show the video again.
Yeah! Y'all ready for this?
Yeah!
-[yokel] It's not moving.
-[grunting]
Suck on this, Nancy.
[groans]
[chanting] USA! USA!
So you actually took
a dump on Pelosi's desk?
[Brett] I shit on someone's desk.
You have to buy my book to find out.
[all laugh]
What's it called?
January 6th: How I Saved Democracy.
-Epic.
-[Brett] Thank you.
I think it is pretty epic.
Director Simpson,
you're my new supervisor.
Francis Mercer. Welcome to Philadelphia.
I have something major that
you are gonna want to hear about.
Can you come back
in, like, 10 minutes?
Uh, wait, make it 20.
-[agents laugh]
-"Chapter Six, The Aftermath.
"We met at the hotel bar,
and shots were on me.
What did they order? Well whiskey."
[agents laugh]
As you know, I was Baba's key disciple
with deep involvement
in both DarCo and Dark DarCo.
I know where all the bodies are buried.
Put half of them there myself.
And, uh, I also know that
this organization works best
-when it comes to our enemies.
-[Ahmad sighs]
Would you just stop that?
I have proven my worth
to this organization
with decades of dedication
that has helped make each
and every one of you
very, very rich, so you're welcome.
And, um, yeah
thank you so much.
No, thank you, Lucky.
Some say "Loser Lucky."
[chuckles]
That's my nickname for her.
"Loser Lucky" 'cause that's what she is.
Can you imagine this woman thinks
she can fill Baba's shoes?
I was the only one who stood up to Baba.
Because you were trying to undermine him.
Those golf courses put us
in debt. I was right.
Baba died before he could see
his vision through.
Oh, stop interrupting.
Oh, wait, you're a woman.
-You can't. [chuckles]
-[group groans]
Ah, come on! You guys know me.
I'm fucking crazy!
But in a good way.
In a way that outlaws respect.
So let's put an end to this
and do the only responsible thing.
All in favor of me.
Yeah.
[Lucky laughs]
Watch and learn, old man.
All in favor of me, go ahead,
raise your hands.
Take your hands off your dicks
and raise them.
[Mir/Raj groan]
-I think he likes it though.
-I don't think so.
[phone chiming]
[Mir] Oh, shit. It's Bushra.
I'm gonna lose her too.
Fucked.
Oh, goddammit!
I got this, bro.
-[knife scrapes]
-[Mir] Hey.
-[Raj] Alright.
-What are you doing?
Alright, let's fucking do this.
[Mir] No, no, no, no, no, no, dude,
we can't just kill a guy
because you're hyped up about it.
Why not? That's, like,
how every stabbing works.
The stabber is all hyped up to stab.
Are you listening
to yourself right now?
The universe brought us here, man.
Stop fighting it.
Why can't you allow yourself
to think for one second?
This is not normal. Baba was not normal.
Normal is a
[both] Social construct, man.
"It's just capitalism, dude."
Stop talking like a Bad Brains T-shirt
and think for one second.
I don't have time for that, Mir.
Okay? Yeah, this situation is fucked.
But how's it gonna be
if both of us are freaking out?
[grunts] You're gonna do it?
-No.
-[Raj] Then let me.
Okay.
Alright!
You ready to die, man?
You ready to get fucked up, man?
Ooh! [groaning] Die!
[knife clatters]
[Raj sighs]
-I couldn't do it.
-Yeah.
[Brett] Was I ever in danger?
Yes, I was.
-Next Question?
-[agents laugh]
Ugh.
Holy shit.
Poison, too much screen time,
autoerotic asphyxiatio
What happened to the knife?
What happened to Hamza?
-[Hamza grunts]
-Oh, shit!
[Raj moans]
Ow!
-[Mir screams]
-[lamp shatters]
[Mir panting]
[yelps] Ow!
Oh, my God. Oh, you saved me, man.
-Oh, my God, I killed him!
-But to save me.
I actually killed him for real this time.
To save me!
[ominous music playing]
[screams]
Ow!
[Mir] Oh, God. I-I should
put pressure on it, right?
Or am I not supposed to move you
until the ambulance gets here?
No, we can't call an ambulance, man.
You just killed a guy.
Okay, for the record, we killed a guy.
Okay? I don't want that on my hands alone.
Okay, stick your finger in it.
What? Why would I do that?
You stick your finger in it
and then you smell your fingers.
If it smells like poop,
then I'll die
of the worst infection ever.
-Go.
-Who told you that?
It was on Better Call Saul, man.
You didn't watch Better Call Saul?
No, I don't have AMC Plus.
You can buy every season on Prime Video.
But I'm already paying
a subscription fee, Raj.
I'm not gonna pay more
for a specific show just on principle.
Okay, just hurry.
Stick your finger in it.
[Bushra] Mir?
-Bushra?
-[Bushra] Mir, are you there?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
[grunts] Hey!
I know we promised not to look
at each other's shared location
unless it was an emergency.
But this is an emergency.
I'm worried about you.
What is this place?
[Raj] Ugh, hurry, Mir.
I need your finger.
Is someone in there?
Uh, yeah, it's, um, Raj.
He actually wants to say hi.
Hold on a second.
Ow! Ow! Oh, hi.
-Hi, Raj.
-[Raj] See you.
[Raj groaning]
You know, we're so busy grieving.
You know, Raj is in a really bad place.
[Raj] [crying] I'm gonna die.
Is he saying he's gonna die?
From grief.
You know, he's, he's really dramatic.
You know how he is.
Something's not right, Mir.
Do you like Florida?
Miami and the Keys are nice.
I love you so much.
I really have to go.
Okay. I promise I'm gonna get
our lives back to normal so soon.
Okay? I'll see you
in the next 24 to 96 hours.
Don't shut me out, Mir.
I'm not shutting you out.
Call Prairie.
Raj, your shaman can't help us.
There's some things
that can't be cured with DMT, okay?
-Call her.
-[Mir sighs]
I'm told that the Dalai Lama's robes
brushed up against it.
-Mm.
-And it's deeply discounted right now.
-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, hold that thought.
Hi, my king. I can't talk
right now. I'm liquidating.
[on phone] I didn't realize how important
you being rich was
to my healing abilities.
Turns out the strongest crystal is money.
Hi, babe. I just wanted to
[Prairie] No, but don't worry
about it, baby.
I got this. I got us.
I'm gonna do whatever I need to do
to get us back into alignment
with our orgy cabal.
What's up?
Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.
Okay. Hi. I gotta go.
What the fuck was that?
We should probably go
to the hospital so I don't die.
Raj, we can't take you to the hospital.
[child crying]
Hey, Baba trusted Dr. Elahi-Khan, okay?
She won't report this.
They still have the same toys.
Yeah. Oh.
Yeah, they do.
Eissa Ibrahim Dar?
Uh, it's Raj.
Oh, Dr. Elahi-Khan will see you now.
Okay.
-Oh.
-[straining] I think I can do it.
-There you go.
-Alright, fine.
-[Mir] There you go.
-[nurse] Um
-Alright. See you soon, buddy.
-[Raj] Okay.
[baby crying]
Hey, psst.
I know he seems like a great guy.
He gets you ice cream, he reads to you.
But in your quiet moments,
ask yourself
do you really know him?
[sighs]
And on our seventh vote,
we are three for him and three for me.
Look, we are wasting precious time
when we should be getting
the business up and running.
Why don't you just vote for me,
and we can move on
with our lives? Goddammit.
Is it because I'm gay?
No. No. Of course not.
We love Charlie.
Makes great chaat.
Wait, Charlie's your boyfriend?
I thought he was your dad. He's like 90.
Yeah. And I'm the twink.
What's your point?
Goddammit! I just wish Baba were here.
None of you can fill his shoes. Idiots.
He was a great man.
I truly miss him.
[door opens]
Lunch is here!
I've got the 76ers foot-long slam-wich
for my friend right here. How you doing?
[Ali] Ooh! You got the slam-wich!
Okay, we need to stop this, Ahmad.
I don't like you, you don't like me
Oh, that's putting it mildly.
You're power hungry.
Baba let you get away with murder.
But he's gone now.
You are a petty narcissist
with a cheap suit on.
But guess what?
We have to put
our differences aside
for the greater good, don't we?
If Hamza were here,
I'd be Chief Saab
and you'd be serving me chai.
Will you just cut the misogyny,
you fuckstick?
We have to get the business operational
by naming a CEO.
The clock is ticking with the Peruvians,
and you know it.
I have an idea.
One of the lads put
his gun right here,
and he said, "You wanna hang out
with Mike Pence?"
I said, "Relax, brother.
I want to hang Mike Pence."
-So then, we all got to
-[door opens]
I am this close to blowing up
the entire Dar crime family.
I want to reopen the case.
On what grounds?
Why are you giving me
a half-eaten Tastykake? I don't want this.
That Tastykake is from
a prime impulse buy spot
at the last ABC Deli.
Look at the wrapper. It expired in 2021.
The bestselling prepackaged cake
in all of Philadelphia?
That's fishy.
So, you think it's a front?
Y-yes.
This is gonna be big. I can feel it.
[ominous music playing]
When I went after the Lads of Honor,
they told me I'd be wasting
millions of dollars
in federal resources,
that I'd embarrass myself,
my country, the agency.
But look at me now.
Go get 'em.
Thank you.
♪♪
[sighs] I want my old life back.
The one where I didn't kill anybody
and I could still afford sushi.
Here. It's root beer.
Raj. We can't live like this.
Tallahassee?
Tallahassee.
Yeah. We go there and we start over.
I work my way up the corporate ladder
at some soul-sucking company
and eventually I send for Bushra
[Raj/Mir yelling]
[Raj] Ow, ow, my knee!
-[Mir screaming]
-[Raj] Ow!
[tires screeching]
["Bobs n' Bits" by Anticalm playing]
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪
Uncle Clive on my side
he knows that I'm high ♪
But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪
How did you get that shh ♪
Bobs n' Bits ♪
Hey, stuff it ♪
Honey, it's none of your beeswax ♪
[indistinct rapping]
Oh, they love me,
it's so unanimous ♪
Brudda, I'm too old for likin' this ♪
Maybe if it was a Greek God, hm ♪
-I'd be so curious baggin' this ♪
-Oh ♪
[indistinct rapping]
No more chattin'
I'm hearin' them bobs n' bits ♪
Ah, Sideshow Bob with a lop top ♪
I'm where the problem lives, ah ♪
♪♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
How'd you get that bobs n' bits? ♪
Cooler than a jet like bobs n' bits ♪
Uncle Clive on my side
he knows that I'm high ♪
But he knows I'm gon' be rich ♪
How did you get that shh ♪
Bobs n' Bits ♪
[song fades out]
[fanfare playing]