Deli Boys (2025) s01e03 Episode Script
Delhi Boys
1
-[items clattering]
-[boys grunting]
[Mir Dar]
Stop pushing me!
[Raj Dar]
Mir, you're stepping on my foot.
Where are we?
I can't see anything.
[both sigh]
[Mir] What the hell
is this place?
-Like a light or something?
-[Raj] Oh, I got something.
I got something.
Okay. What?
[dramatic sting]
[Raj] Okay, screw this.
We gotta get outta here.
-[Mir] Hey, someone!
-[Raj] Hello, anybody out there?
-Oh, my God.
-Shut up! Shut up!
-Shut up.
-You kidnapped us?
You guys are gonna kill us?
It's not off the table.
-[Lucky] Sit down.
-[door slams]
Watch the video.
[peppy music playing on video]
Thank you, sir.
Oh, hi.
Didn't see you there.
You must be the proud
new owner of an ABC Deli.
Time to learn how you'll
make real money.
-With cocaine!
-[bell dings]
[funky upbeat theme playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
[Baba Dar] [on TV]
Our cocaine comes from my pals
in the Saltado Cartel
in beautiful Peru.
They are extremely efficient
about sending shipments,
picking up payments,
and disemboweling people who are late.
So set up your calendar alerts!
It arrives to the
Port of Philadelphia,
where our head of
transportation, Hamza,
that's Hamza,
picks it up and
brings it in for processing.
-I took that picture.
-[Raj] Hmm.
We went for smoothies
at our favorite place right after.
-[horn honks, tires screeching]
-[Hamza grunts]
-[body thuds]
-Oh.
I hope he turns up.
Starting soon,
we're getting an upgrade.
The product is
submerged in achar.
The most pungent
substance on earth.
Wow. Pungent.
So just set aside a few
marked containers
from each shipment,
and a reliable courier
will claim them.
[Mir/Raj] Hmm.
[Baba]
And just like that, you'll join
ABC Deli franchisees
across the Delaware Valley
in prosperity.
Just keep your
goddamn mouth shut.
-[patriotic music playing]
-[bell dings]
And that is how
your father's business works.
I mean, Baba was
a menace with iMovie.
[sighs]
Make it quick, Mercer.
I'm on CNN in 20 minutes
to downplay the spike
in gun deaths.
What's the headline?
DarCo's ABC Deli chain is
a covert distribution network
for imported international
cocaine.
-I'm leaning in.
-In my investigation
of DarCo CEO Arshad "Baba" Dar,
I pieced together a timeline.
In the '90s,
he made several trips
to Peru, Bolivia, and Chile.
-Really? Talk faster.
-[Mercer] The ABC Deli
was the distribution network
for the cocaine,
but since we busted them,
they have no way to move the coke.
My hunch is that
they are in disarray
looking for new distribution.
That's our chance.
We're gonna nail these fuckers.
You gotta slow play this.
This could be my second book.
Did I tell you,
I got a two-book deal?
January 6th was
bad for democracy
but very good for me.
We won't strike until
you have something solid.
You gotta get on the inside,
like I did with the Lads.
I was best man at one
of their weddings.
I fucked a bridesmaid.
-[scoffs]
-Dated her for three months.
Chelsea.
Alright.
You, you got everything, right?
I think I might yeah
Most of it.
-We got some of it.
-[Mir] Mm.
Why, why? You guys
gonna quiz us?
Also, where the hell are we?
You're at a secret location.
This is the temporary
meeting place
for the Dark DarCo board.
Excuse me, did you
say Dark DarCo?
[Ahmad] The dark side
of the business.
The only thing that
actually makes us money.
The board just couldn't
decide on a leader,
so we had the idea
to nominate both of you.
Uh, okay, well,
what would we have to do?
This. This. This.
Everything that your father did.
It is run the business.
It is call the shots.
It's move the coke,
with our help, of course.
Look, Dark DarCo runs like
every other business, right?
Without a clear leader,
it's just going
to descend into civil war,
and whoever's left alive
is just going to get killed by the cartel.
[Ahmad] And believe me,
they will reserve
an especially brutal death
for its leader's two sons.
Please, can we just take
a moment to breathe?
Can I have a couple days
just to mull this over
-and then get back to you?
-No.
You, you don't get it.
You were born into this shit.
And you lived your lives
like spoiled brats,
but your Baba's not here
to protect you anymore.
[Lucky] But don't worry, pyare.
We're gonna be
handling everything
from behind the scenes.
Just think of Ahmad and I
as your trusted consiglieres.
Oh, Christ, Robert Duvall
in The Godfather.
-Oh, not Fredo.
-Not Fredo.
-Fuck!
-[Raj] Ha!
[Ahmad] Now what we have
to do is convince
those bloodthirsty
animals out there
that you two idiots
aren't two idiots.
Go, go, go, go, go.
[tense music playing]
They look okay, I guess.
I don't know.
The tall one has kind of a dumb face.
The little one always had
an annoying voice, I remember.
-Hi, guys.
-Yes, that's it [in foreign language]
Gentlemen, I present
to you Raj and Mir Dar,
sons of Baba Dar.
Go on, sit.
-Okay.
-Uh, I just wanna introduce you
to our esteemed board
of Maaliks.
That is Feraz Khan,
Maalik of Compliance.
He blackmails the
variance officials
that gatekeep our business.
In Pakistan, I was
Minister of Energy.
-Okay.
-Cool.
[Lucky]
Ali Sahir, Maalik of Distro.
He interfaces with all our
brick and mortar fronts.
He once murdered a guy's face
with a brick on Front Street.
Please, can you use
a coaster on this table?
It's an antique.
Dawar Omar,
Maalik of Sanitation.
He launders all our money.
You also own a
laundromat-themed bar, right?
We have standup shows
on Thursdays.
-Awesome.
-[Lucky] Very nice, very nice.
And that is Hassan Ali.
He is the Maalik
of Communication.
He ensures the public perceive
all our sham businesses
as legitimate.
Got his start as a model.
I'm very skeptical
that either one of you will survive this.
-Okay.
-[Raj clears throat]
And that seat should be occupied
by one named Hamza,
who is the Maalik of
Import and Transportation.
And no one knows where he is.
[all muttering]
Yeah, we're all very
concerned, so
And I, of course,
am Chief Financial Maalik
and Lucky is
Chief Operating Maalik,
otherwise known
as Baba's Right-Hand Man
or, uh, Left-Hand Kiss Ass.
[chuckling]
Six of one.
Esteemed colleagues,
we nominate Raj and Mir Dar
to be the new co-heads
of our business.
Are you boys man enough
to take your father's place?
-[Mir stammers]
-[Lucky] Well, there's two of them.
So even if they're half
the man Baba was,
that's still enough.
Yeah, barely.
We're not looking
for half a man.
Oh, uh, hello, everyone.
I'm Mir Dar.
A little about me.
I am a detail-oriented leader
with extensive knowledge
of global economics,
domestic interest rates,
and team-building exercises.
-Some of my special interests are
-Okay, very good.
-Raj.
-Oh, me?
-Yeah.
-Uh, hey, I'm Raj.
Uh, I'm, uh, basically
a clone of Baba.
Uh, I-I love capitalism.
Uh, greed is good.
It's my thing, you know?
Shabash, shabash, sit.
-I did good?
-Very good.
-Yeah, okay.
-How do we know they won't fuck up
and land us all in jail?
I promise you that
they can do it.
I personally guarantee it.
[Maaliks whispering]
Okay, these two [in foreign language]
can be Co-Chief Saab,
but only for a
probationary period.
If we're not satisfied
by the end of it,
we harvest their organs,
cover our losses.
Yeah, that's cool.
Works for me.
-What?
-What?
All in favor of Raj and Mir Dar
as interim CEOs, say hanjee.
[Maaliks] Hanjee.
[Lucky] I now pronounce you
Co-Chief Saabs.
[all applauding]
-[Raj] Thank you.
-Mubarak, motherfuckers.
[Dawar Omar] Let's go, bitches.
[upbeat music playing]
[Raj/Mir laughing]
My humblest of greetings
-to the new Chief Saabs.
-Hey!
-Hey, man!
-Thank you.
Your chai.
-Just go home.
-I can stay.
Do whatever you need.
Sleep here if you want.
Just go home, Matthew.
-Let's talk upstairs.
-No.
-[lamp shatters]
-[all grunting]
[screaming]
Basement. Bottle of scotch
I need to hit.
Make you a stiff one?
[Raj sighs]
-[Ahmad] Here.
-[snaps fingers]
I could use one of those.
Yeah, be my guest.
Get it yourself.
Okay, first order of business,
find a new way
to distribute Caca Brand Achar.
And fatafat.
Okay, but who wants
smelly-ass achar?
You can't just sell it
at a regular grocery store.
Can't we just sell
it out of here?
We can't sell it out of here.
We process the drugs
out of the basement.
I don't want corner boys
going in and out.
You know, we're so desperate,
we might have to risk it.
Absolutely not, too dangerous.
Okay, then let's run up
a list of gas stations
and grocery stores
in South Philly run by Pakistanis.
Wait, why don't we do it
through an Indian restaurant?
I mean, they go through
so much achar, it wouldn't be suspicious.
And most of them are
takeout only,
so there's never any
customers anyway.
Yeah, like that one place,
uh, uh, Pakora Palace
-on Fontaine Street.
-On Fontaine Street, yeah.
A small local chain.
Obviously not as big as ABC Deli
but we can start small.
I say we do an
Indian restaurant.
-[spits]
-Ugh!
-We don't work with Indians.
-[Lucky groans]
They'll rob us blind
like they did during Partition.
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
-Holy shit.
-Ahmad Uncle.
Racist, old-world thinking, man.
This is America,
leave that shit outta here.
Yeah, grow up, man.
Okay, don't hate on
my idea or Indians.
Why don't you tell that
to your great grandmother?
Oh, wait, you can't,
because the Indians killed her.
Joke's on you, man.
Dadi died in America
from nursing home neglect.
Yeah, never thought
we would go down this route
but now may not be
a bad time for this.
You know what?
I vote for Mir's idea.
And I gotta say,
I also vote for Mir's idea.
And need I remind you all,
I have a business degree
from Drexel
Chup. I-I really
can't hear about
how smart you are again.
Okay, let's give
this idea a shot.
[Ahmad] A waste of fucking time.
[footsteps clomping]
Mir's gonna come with us.
I need you to stay here
and get rid of the body
while Ahmad is out of the deli.
Quick question.
Uh, why did you kill that guy?
He and Ahmad
were attempting a coup
and if they had won,
they would've eliminated
both of you immediately.
-I shouldn't have asked.
-Don't worry.
I already called the Murderwalla
to handle the body.
-[footsteps clomping]
-Murderwalla?
[quiet traffic noise]
[soft sitar music plays
in restaurant]
[Ahmad sniffs]
Stinks in here.
[Lucky] Shut up.
It smells exactly
like your kitchen, Ahmad.
Laddoos look decent.
Hello?
Excuse me, hello.
-[Ahmad clears throat]
-Excuse me.
Hi Excuse me.
Hi, are you open?
Mom, Dad,
we have customers or whatever.
[mom] We have customers.
Ring them up.
Nandika, you can do
your Pokémon dress-up at home.
It's Princess Mononoke.
-Uh, sorry to interrupt. I
-Ugh. God, I hate this place.
We all do.
Let me handle this, bevakoof.
-Hello.
-Namaste, ji.
Namaste, ji.
Would you like to try something
from our mithai case?
No, we're not here to eat.
We are the proprietors
of Caca Brand Achar.
-And
-Do you mind, please?
[whispering] Maybe let me take
the lead on this one.
Yep.
[normal] Good afternoon.
My name is Mir Dar, and we are
a family-run business
just like yourself.
We make the best achar
in all of America.
Yeah, go ahead, give it a taste.
Listen, if your kid
doesn't get bullied
by the white children
in their class
when they pull that
out of their lunch box,
-it's not Caca Brand Achar.
-[Lucky chuckles]
And the best part,
it's only $100 per pallet.
That's less than half
of what we currently pay.
-What's the catch?
-No catch.
No catch. There will be
30 marked jars
for our VIP customers.
You just need to set
those aside every Friday.
Yeah, not even a big deal.
Do you think we're stupid?
-No.
-Yeah.
This is clearly illegal.
If you want us to
move your smack
-It's blow, not smack.
-I knew it.
We want 50% of your drug money.
Fifty! We can't do more than 10.
[scoffs] We're not going to
risk jail for 10%.
We need to secure our future
for ourselves and our daughter.
We're clearly going
to be providing
for her for the
rest of her life.
Comic-Con influencers
make millions.
[sighs] See what I'm
dealing with?
She has no future.
-We want 50.
-Okay, we can talk about this.
-We can
-You see, Mir?
You can't deal with Indians.
When you shake their hand,
they rob you with
the other seven.
-Oh, my God.
-[Dadaji] What?
You Pakistani pieces of shit.
I'll send you to
your 72 virgins!
-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Whoa!
Everyone stop using numbers
to be racist!
Dadaji, quit it with
the Islamophobia.
-Go into the kitchen.
-[grunts]
-Now.
-[Ahmad] Oh, fuck this.
I'll go back to the deli.
I gave peace a fucking chance.
-That
-I am so sorry.
-That is not who we are.
-Mm-mm.
[doorbell chimes]
[door opens]
[mysterious music playing]
Raj Dar?
Yeah?
Lucky called me.
-Oh, Murderwalla.
-Hmm.
Huh. Not what I was expecting
for a professional
corpse disposer.
Well, if I was,
I wouldn't be very good
at my job, would I?
Good point.
Where's the body?
Body's upstairs.
Uh, I'm gonna be
doing some dabs,
watching Dragon Ball Z,
hopefully I fall asleep.
Nope.
You're going to help me.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I-I don't know if
you're aware or not,
but I've recently been named
Co-Chief Saab with
my brother, so
Perfect. Then you won't
have any trouble
handling this company business.
Put that on.
What the hell?
We are going to work
in the basement.
[doo-wop R&B music playing]
Paddington vibes?
Aw, man.
-[cleaver thudding]
-[Raj grunting]
Ugh!
Oh, God, that smells
fucking awful.
That's why I always
wear Drakkar Noir.
Nothing covers the stench
of rotting flesh
like Drakkar Noir.
No, I'd rather smell
the body, man.
[Murderwalla sighs]
Okay, can I go?
You know, you are nothing
like your Baba.
Yeah. Hard worker.
Not afraid to get
his hands dirty.
He would never rely
on a guy like you.
One time, I became disillusioned
with my career.
I was like, "This job
is fucking gross, man."
But your Baba told me
to take pride in hard work.
Mir is the hard worker
of the family.
I'm more of the vibes guy.
Accha.
And what does the vibes guy do?
I'm kind of like a Rick Rubin.
Where I don't actually
produce anything
but having me around is a vibe,
and it just makes shit better.
So, nothing?
You let your brother
do all the hard work,
your family's in crisis.
[clicks tongue] Shame on you.
-[plastic rustling]
-[doorbell chimes]
-[knocking on door]
-Get rid of whoever that is.
Oh, and then hurry back
and we'll do the best part,
the thorax.
Can't wait.
-[knocking on door continues]
-Ugh, disgusting.
-Prairie, wh-what are you doing
-Hi, baby.
Oh. Oh, my God,
the ayahuasca ceremony.
I completely forgot.
I'm trying to make us
some money, baby.
You said you'd pick up
the extra puke buckets.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I gotta bail.
I have to work.
I've never heard you say
the word "work" before.
I feel dizzy.
[phone chimes]
Uh
[quietly] Fuck me.
[spray hisses]
[texts blooping]
I gotta go.
Ahmad Uncle's on his way.
I must abscond.
-What about this?
-I've done all that I can for you.
If Ahmad sees me,
the secret's out.
Everyone knows the Murderwalla.
Say hi to Lucky for me.
[doorbell chimes]
-[Ahmad] Hello?
-Uh, Ahmad Uncle.
Uh, just a sec. I, uh
[Ahmad] What are you doing
down there?
Uh, I just came down
to, uh, masturbate.
[Ahmad] Oh, um, attaboy.
-11%.
-12.5.
She's stuck at 50.
This is not going anywhere.
-Get out of my store.
-Okay, okay, okay.
What about 20%?
That's more than we even make, lady.
I said get out, bhenchod!
You fucking stop
this negotiating bullshit!
-How about this for a counter?
-[gun clicks]
Do as I say or I paint the wall
with your husband's brains.
Oh, you wanna kill me?
You think I'm afraid of death?
My wife is a shrew,
my restaurants are in debt,
and my daughter thinks
she's a cartoon.
I'm already dead.
Do it. Do it!
[panting]
Ahmad Uncle.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[sniffing] Is that, uh,
is that Drakkar Noir?
Uh, yep, I love it.
It's making a comeback
with all the '90s shit.
Like nipple rings.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[doorbell chimes]
How'd it go at the restaurant?
-[doorbell jingles]
-Lucky Auntie.
What are you doing here?
Where's Mir?
Taking this Chief Saab thing
so seriously.
We need to find a
new distributor fast.
We've already wasted
precious time
with those fucking lunatics.
-I told you so. Fuck.
-You told me so.
-[Lucky] Goddammit.
-I need to go there.
I'm gonna help him.
Raj, I am not totally sure
how you can help him.
We're in crisis, Lucky Auntie.
I'm a Co-Chief Saab
and a co-brother.
I told you we should've
killed them, right?
And I got down on my knees
and I begged my mummy
to let me come to America.
And she slapped my face.
And I went anyway,
and she died two weeks later.
What is the point of that story?
Listen, man,
just accept our terms.
-Talk to your wife, please.
-[door opens]
What up, people?
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm in the middle of a deal right now.
-I'm here to help.
-Whoa, who is that?
Hey, I'm Raj Dar,
Mir's older brother.
Nice Mononoke, by the way.
Uh, oh, um, thank you. [giggles]
My parents think it's Pokémon.
LOL.
Raj, we were just telling
your short brother
that we can't settle
for less than 50%.
We need to provide
a future for our daughter.
If we go any higher,
we're gonna be losing money.
Well, let's talk.
-I
-[Raj] What can I do to make this work?
-Nandika?
-Huh?
Do you find my brother
attractive?
-He's a Philly 10.
-Oh, stop it.
The Dars believe in family.
And if we're making
a business arrangement,
maybe we can make
a family arrangement as well.
Nandika, how would you like
to marry my brother?
What is happening here?
[Mir] My brother will
marry your daughter.
She'll have a financially
secure future,
and we could be one
big happy family.
-What do you say?
-Yes, yes, absolutely.
Dad, tell Mom to say yes.
-Mir, can I talk to you for a second?
-Mm-hmm.
Right over here, come here.
[whispering] What the fuck?
Mir, yeah, I wanna help, okay?
But even Baba wouldn't
arrange marriage me
off like that.
Okay, please, just do
this for me, man.
It's the only way we can get
the deal done
and not die.
Rawr.
Fine.
I'm gonna get you back.
-Nandika!
-[chuckles]
Of course,
I would love to marry you.
Maybe after, like,
a ten-year-long engagement.
-Okay. [giggles]
-[Dadaji] What?
My granddaughter marrying
a Muslim!
-Who's that guy?
-I won't allow it!
But I love him!
Mom! Mom, please.
We will not let this
old-world thinking stand in our way.
You have my blessing.
-Yes!
-Six-month engagement.
-Six years.
-Three years.
-Five.
-Three.
Four with a massive wedding
with horses, a mithai tower,
and the works.
-Done!
-Yes.
-[hands slap]
-[Mir] Thank you so much.
-You won't be disappointed.
-Oh! [chuckles]
Nice to meet you.
[whispering] I'm into
some really freaky shit.
-Oh.
-I'm into some really freaky
off-the-grid shit.
Alright, loves, I do have
another session coming in 15 minutes,
so it's time to
reenter this realm
and maybe help me out
by emptying
your own puke buckets
into the toilet.
-Thank you, be blessed.
-[patron] Thank you.
Be blessed.
Oh, my God, Prairie, that was
the most amazing journey.
-Mm.
-I'm just confused about payment.
Wait, you don't need cash?
You have Blue Shield, right?
Your insurance covers it.
It's billed as physical therapy.
-Amazing.
-Mm-hmm.
Wait, but is all this legal?
The only laws of the universe
are set by the cosmos.
The Federal government disagrees.
Francis Mercer, FBI.
We have you on insurance fraud
and trafficking narcotics.
That's a minimum 10-year sentence.
Oh, my God.
Wait, did you just pretend to puke
several times
just to bust me?
That's correct.
Okay, I can't go to jail, so
Well, Prairie,
the FBI might look the other way on this
if you help us get some information.
What kind of information?
About your boyfriend
and his family.
[liquid sloshing]
How much cocaine do you think
we can get in a piñata?
[doorbell jingles]
I am so, so sorry, guys.
We really blew it this time.
-Psych!
-Heyo!
-Mir closed the deal.
-[both laughing]
[Lucky cheering]
[Lucky speaking foreign language]
How did it happen?
You know, I've been practicing
my whole life
to take over Baba's business
and I guess I kinda did.
-And I kinda helped.
-[Lucky gasps]
Yeah, Raj agreed to marry
that weird anime girl,
sight unseen, so that
pushed them over the edge.
Hold on, are you
actually gonna marry her?
I don't know.
That's future Raj's problem, like AI.
Chalo, let's get the
show on the road.
Ahmad, where's the pallet?
[laughing] How the
hell would I know?
That's Hamza's department.
[intense percussion
music playing]
-[rattling]
-Lift the gate.
[gate rattling]
[Raj] Um, where are the drugs?
[footsteps clomping]
Fuck, shit!
["To the Bank" by
Alo Wala playing]
A E I O U ♪
And sometimes Y ♪
And sometimes Y ♪
A E I O U ♪
Agendas innuendos ♪
That's how the end us
don't you think ♪
Agendas innuendos ♪
That's how we running
to the bank ♪
To the bank
to the bank ♪
To the bank to the bank ♪
To the bank
to the bank ♪
To the bank to the bank ♪
Hey, you there
with the Superman tee ♪
Tell me why the dog
tastes salty ♪
I know you got the looks
you better ping me ♪
Me, I'll be sipping
on my chai tea ♪
Hey, you there
with the Superman tee ♪
Tell me why the dog
tastes salty ♪
I know you got the looks
you better ping me ♪
Me, I'll be sipping
on my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
[song ends]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare playing]
-[items clattering]
-[boys grunting]
[Mir Dar]
Stop pushing me!
[Raj Dar]
Mir, you're stepping on my foot.
Where are we?
I can't see anything.
[both sigh]
[Mir] What the hell
is this place?
-Like a light or something?
-[Raj] Oh, I got something.
I got something.
Okay. What?
[dramatic sting]
[Raj] Okay, screw this.
We gotta get outta here.
-[Mir] Hey, someone!
-[Raj] Hello, anybody out there?
-Oh, my God.
-Shut up! Shut up!
-Shut up.
-You kidnapped us?
You guys are gonna kill us?
It's not off the table.
-[Lucky] Sit down.
-[door slams]
Watch the video.
[peppy music playing on video]
Thank you, sir.
Oh, hi.
Didn't see you there.
You must be the proud
new owner of an ABC Deli.
Time to learn how you'll
make real money.
-With cocaine!
-[bell dings]
[funky upbeat theme playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
[Baba Dar] [on TV]
Our cocaine comes from my pals
in the Saltado Cartel
in beautiful Peru.
They are extremely efficient
about sending shipments,
picking up payments,
and disemboweling people who are late.
So set up your calendar alerts!
It arrives to the
Port of Philadelphia,
where our head of
transportation, Hamza,
that's Hamza,
picks it up and
brings it in for processing.
-I took that picture.
-[Raj] Hmm.
We went for smoothies
at our favorite place right after.
-[horn honks, tires screeching]
-[Hamza grunts]
-[body thuds]
-Oh.
I hope he turns up.
Starting soon,
we're getting an upgrade.
The product is
submerged in achar.
The most pungent
substance on earth.
Wow. Pungent.
So just set aside a few
marked containers
from each shipment,
and a reliable courier
will claim them.
[Mir/Raj] Hmm.
[Baba]
And just like that, you'll join
ABC Deli franchisees
across the Delaware Valley
in prosperity.
Just keep your
goddamn mouth shut.
-[patriotic music playing]
-[bell dings]
And that is how
your father's business works.
I mean, Baba was
a menace with iMovie.
[sighs]
Make it quick, Mercer.
I'm on CNN in 20 minutes
to downplay the spike
in gun deaths.
What's the headline?
DarCo's ABC Deli chain is
a covert distribution network
for imported international
cocaine.
-I'm leaning in.
-In my investigation
of DarCo CEO Arshad "Baba" Dar,
I pieced together a timeline.
In the '90s,
he made several trips
to Peru, Bolivia, and Chile.
-Really? Talk faster.
-[Mercer] The ABC Deli
was the distribution network
for the cocaine,
but since we busted them,
they have no way to move the coke.
My hunch is that
they are in disarray
looking for new distribution.
That's our chance.
We're gonna nail these fuckers.
You gotta slow play this.
This could be my second book.
Did I tell you,
I got a two-book deal?
January 6th was
bad for democracy
but very good for me.
We won't strike until
you have something solid.
You gotta get on the inside,
like I did with the Lads.
I was best man at one
of their weddings.
I fucked a bridesmaid.
-[scoffs]
-Dated her for three months.
Chelsea.
Alright.
You, you got everything, right?
I think I might yeah
Most of it.
-We got some of it.
-[Mir] Mm.
Why, why? You guys
gonna quiz us?
Also, where the hell are we?
You're at a secret location.
This is the temporary
meeting place
for the Dark DarCo board.
Excuse me, did you
say Dark DarCo?
[Ahmad] The dark side
of the business.
The only thing that
actually makes us money.
The board just couldn't
decide on a leader,
so we had the idea
to nominate both of you.
Uh, okay, well,
what would we have to do?
This. This. This.
Everything that your father did.
It is run the business.
It is call the shots.
It's move the coke,
with our help, of course.
Look, Dark DarCo runs like
every other business, right?
Without a clear leader,
it's just going
to descend into civil war,
and whoever's left alive
is just going to get killed by the cartel.
[Ahmad] And believe me,
they will reserve
an especially brutal death
for its leader's two sons.
Please, can we just take
a moment to breathe?
Can I have a couple days
just to mull this over
-and then get back to you?
-No.
You, you don't get it.
You were born into this shit.
And you lived your lives
like spoiled brats,
but your Baba's not here
to protect you anymore.
[Lucky] But don't worry, pyare.
We're gonna be
handling everything
from behind the scenes.
Just think of Ahmad and I
as your trusted consiglieres.
Oh, Christ, Robert Duvall
in The Godfather.
-Oh, not Fredo.
-Not Fredo.
-Fuck!
-[Raj] Ha!
[Ahmad] Now what we have
to do is convince
those bloodthirsty
animals out there
that you two idiots
aren't two idiots.
Go, go, go, go, go.
[tense music playing]
They look okay, I guess.
I don't know.
The tall one has kind of a dumb face.
The little one always had
an annoying voice, I remember.
-Hi, guys.
-Yes, that's it [in foreign language]
Gentlemen, I present
to you Raj and Mir Dar,
sons of Baba Dar.
Go on, sit.
-Okay.
-Uh, I just wanna introduce you
to our esteemed board
of Maaliks.
That is Feraz Khan,
Maalik of Compliance.
He blackmails the
variance officials
that gatekeep our business.
In Pakistan, I was
Minister of Energy.
-Okay.
-Cool.
[Lucky]
Ali Sahir, Maalik of Distro.
He interfaces with all our
brick and mortar fronts.
He once murdered a guy's face
with a brick on Front Street.
Please, can you use
a coaster on this table?
It's an antique.
Dawar Omar,
Maalik of Sanitation.
He launders all our money.
You also own a
laundromat-themed bar, right?
We have standup shows
on Thursdays.
-Awesome.
-[Lucky] Very nice, very nice.
And that is Hassan Ali.
He is the Maalik
of Communication.
He ensures the public perceive
all our sham businesses
as legitimate.
Got his start as a model.
I'm very skeptical
that either one of you will survive this.
-Okay.
-[Raj clears throat]
And that seat should be occupied
by one named Hamza,
who is the Maalik of
Import and Transportation.
And no one knows where he is.
[all muttering]
Yeah, we're all very
concerned, so
And I, of course,
am Chief Financial Maalik
and Lucky is
Chief Operating Maalik,
otherwise known
as Baba's Right-Hand Man
or, uh, Left-Hand Kiss Ass.
[chuckling]
Six of one.
Esteemed colleagues,
we nominate Raj and Mir Dar
to be the new co-heads
of our business.
Are you boys man enough
to take your father's place?
-[Mir stammers]
-[Lucky] Well, there's two of them.
So even if they're half
the man Baba was,
that's still enough.
Yeah, barely.
We're not looking
for half a man.
Oh, uh, hello, everyone.
I'm Mir Dar.
A little about me.
I am a detail-oriented leader
with extensive knowledge
of global economics,
domestic interest rates,
and team-building exercises.
-Some of my special interests are
-Okay, very good.
-Raj.
-Oh, me?
-Yeah.
-Uh, hey, I'm Raj.
Uh, I'm, uh, basically
a clone of Baba.
Uh, I-I love capitalism.
Uh, greed is good.
It's my thing, you know?
Shabash, shabash, sit.
-I did good?
-Very good.
-Yeah, okay.
-How do we know they won't fuck up
and land us all in jail?
I promise you that
they can do it.
I personally guarantee it.
[Maaliks whispering]
Okay, these two [in foreign language]
can be Co-Chief Saab,
but only for a
probationary period.
If we're not satisfied
by the end of it,
we harvest their organs,
cover our losses.
Yeah, that's cool.
Works for me.
-What?
-What?
All in favor of Raj and Mir Dar
as interim CEOs, say hanjee.
[Maaliks] Hanjee.
[Lucky] I now pronounce you
Co-Chief Saabs.
[all applauding]
-[Raj] Thank you.
-Mubarak, motherfuckers.
[Dawar Omar] Let's go, bitches.
[upbeat music playing]
[Raj/Mir laughing]
My humblest of greetings
-to the new Chief Saabs.
-Hey!
-Hey, man!
-Thank you.
Your chai.
-Just go home.
-I can stay.
Do whatever you need.
Sleep here if you want.
Just go home, Matthew.
-Let's talk upstairs.
-No.
-[lamp shatters]
-[all grunting]
[screaming]
Basement. Bottle of scotch
I need to hit.
Make you a stiff one?
[Raj sighs]
-[Ahmad] Here.
-[snaps fingers]
I could use one of those.
Yeah, be my guest.
Get it yourself.
Okay, first order of business,
find a new way
to distribute Caca Brand Achar.
And fatafat.
Okay, but who wants
smelly-ass achar?
You can't just sell it
at a regular grocery store.
Can't we just sell
it out of here?
We can't sell it out of here.
We process the drugs
out of the basement.
I don't want corner boys
going in and out.
You know, we're so desperate,
we might have to risk it.
Absolutely not, too dangerous.
Okay, then let's run up
a list of gas stations
and grocery stores
in South Philly run by Pakistanis.
Wait, why don't we do it
through an Indian restaurant?
I mean, they go through
so much achar, it wouldn't be suspicious.
And most of them are
takeout only,
so there's never any
customers anyway.
Yeah, like that one place,
uh, uh, Pakora Palace
-on Fontaine Street.
-On Fontaine Street, yeah.
A small local chain.
Obviously not as big as ABC Deli
but we can start small.
I say we do an
Indian restaurant.
-[spits]
-Ugh!
-We don't work with Indians.
-[Lucky groans]
They'll rob us blind
like they did during Partition.
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
-Holy shit.
-Ahmad Uncle.
Racist, old-world thinking, man.
This is America,
leave that shit outta here.
Yeah, grow up, man.
Okay, don't hate on
my idea or Indians.
Why don't you tell that
to your great grandmother?
Oh, wait, you can't,
because the Indians killed her.
Joke's on you, man.
Dadi died in America
from nursing home neglect.
Yeah, never thought
we would go down this route
but now may not be
a bad time for this.
You know what?
I vote for Mir's idea.
And I gotta say,
I also vote for Mir's idea.
And need I remind you all,
I have a business degree
from Drexel
Chup. I-I really
can't hear about
how smart you are again.
Okay, let's give
this idea a shot.
[Ahmad] A waste of fucking time.
[footsteps clomping]
Mir's gonna come with us.
I need you to stay here
and get rid of the body
while Ahmad is out of the deli.
Quick question.
Uh, why did you kill that guy?
He and Ahmad
were attempting a coup
and if they had won,
they would've eliminated
both of you immediately.
-I shouldn't have asked.
-Don't worry.
I already called the Murderwalla
to handle the body.
-[footsteps clomping]
-Murderwalla?
[quiet traffic noise]
[soft sitar music plays
in restaurant]
[Ahmad sniffs]
Stinks in here.
[Lucky] Shut up.
It smells exactly
like your kitchen, Ahmad.
Laddoos look decent.
Hello?
Excuse me, hello.
-[Ahmad clears throat]
-Excuse me.
Hi Excuse me.
Hi, are you open?
Mom, Dad,
we have customers or whatever.
[mom] We have customers.
Ring them up.
Nandika, you can do
your Pokémon dress-up at home.
It's Princess Mononoke.
-Uh, sorry to interrupt. I
-Ugh. God, I hate this place.
We all do.
Let me handle this, bevakoof.
-Hello.
-Namaste, ji.
Namaste, ji.
Would you like to try something
from our mithai case?
No, we're not here to eat.
We are the proprietors
of Caca Brand Achar.
-And
-Do you mind, please?
[whispering] Maybe let me take
the lead on this one.
Yep.
[normal] Good afternoon.
My name is Mir Dar, and we are
a family-run business
just like yourself.
We make the best achar
in all of America.
Yeah, go ahead, give it a taste.
Listen, if your kid
doesn't get bullied
by the white children
in their class
when they pull that
out of their lunch box,
-it's not Caca Brand Achar.
-[Lucky chuckles]
And the best part,
it's only $100 per pallet.
That's less than half
of what we currently pay.
-What's the catch?
-No catch.
No catch. There will be
30 marked jars
for our VIP customers.
You just need to set
those aside every Friday.
Yeah, not even a big deal.
Do you think we're stupid?
-No.
-Yeah.
This is clearly illegal.
If you want us to
move your smack
-It's blow, not smack.
-I knew it.
We want 50% of your drug money.
Fifty! We can't do more than 10.
[scoffs] We're not going to
risk jail for 10%.
We need to secure our future
for ourselves and our daughter.
We're clearly going
to be providing
for her for the
rest of her life.
Comic-Con influencers
make millions.
[sighs] See what I'm
dealing with?
She has no future.
-We want 50.
-Okay, we can talk about this.
-We can
-You see, Mir?
You can't deal with Indians.
When you shake their hand,
they rob you with
the other seven.
-Oh, my God.
-[Dadaji] What?
You Pakistani pieces of shit.
I'll send you to
your 72 virgins!
-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Whoa!
Everyone stop using numbers
to be racist!
Dadaji, quit it with
the Islamophobia.
-Go into the kitchen.
-[grunts]
-Now.
-[Ahmad] Oh, fuck this.
I'll go back to the deli.
I gave peace a fucking chance.
-That
-I am so sorry.
-That is not who we are.
-Mm-mm.
[doorbell chimes]
[door opens]
[mysterious music playing]
Raj Dar?
Yeah?
Lucky called me.
-Oh, Murderwalla.
-Hmm.
Huh. Not what I was expecting
for a professional
corpse disposer.
Well, if I was,
I wouldn't be very good
at my job, would I?
Good point.
Where's the body?
Body's upstairs.
Uh, I'm gonna be
doing some dabs,
watching Dragon Ball Z,
hopefully I fall asleep.
Nope.
You're going to help me.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I-I don't know if
you're aware or not,
but I've recently been named
Co-Chief Saab with
my brother, so
Perfect. Then you won't
have any trouble
handling this company business.
Put that on.
What the hell?
We are going to work
in the basement.
[doo-wop R&B music playing]
Paddington vibes?
Aw, man.
-[cleaver thudding]
-[Raj grunting]
Ugh!
Oh, God, that smells
fucking awful.
That's why I always
wear Drakkar Noir.
Nothing covers the stench
of rotting flesh
like Drakkar Noir.
No, I'd rather smell
the body, man.
[Murderwalla sighs]
Okay, can I go?
You know, you are nothing
like your Baba.
Yeah. Hard worker.
Not afraid to get
his hands dirty.
He would never rely
on a guy like you.
One time, I became disillusioned
with my career.
I was like, "This job
is fucking gross, man."
But your Baba told me
to take pride in hard work.
Mir is the hard worker
of the family.
I'm more of the vibes guy.
Accha.
And what does the vibes guy do?
I'm kind of like a Rick Rubin.
Where I don't actually
produce anything
but having me around is a vibe,
and it just makes shit better.
So, nothing?
You let your brother
do all the hard work,
your family's in crisis.
[clicks tongue] Shame on you.
-[plastic rustling]
-[doorbell chimes]
-[knocking on door]
-Get rid of whoever that is.
Oh, and then hurry back
and we'll do the best part,
the thorax.
Can't wait.
-[knocking on door continues]
-Ugh, disgusting.
-Prairie, wh-what are you doing
-Hi, baby.
Oh. Oh, my God,
the ayahuasca ceremony.
I completely forgot.
I'm trying to make us
some money, baby.
You said you'd pick up
the extra puke buckets.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I gotta bail.
I have to work.
I've never heard you say
the word "work" before.
I feel dizzy.
[phone chimes]
Uh
[quietly] Fuck me.
[spray hisses]
[texts blooping]
I gotta go.
Ahmad Uncle's on his way.
I must abscond.
-What about this?
-I've done all that I can for you.
If Ahmad sees me,
the secret's out.
Everyone knows the Murderwalla.
Say hi to Lucky for me.
[doorbell chimes]
-[Ahmad] Hello?
-Uh, Ahmad Uncle.
Uh, just a sec. I, uh
[Ahmad] What are you doing
down there?
Uh, I just came down
to, uh, masturbate.
[Ahmad] Oh, um, attaboy.
-11%.
-12.5.
She's stuck at 50.
This is not going anywhere.
-Get out of my store.
-Okay, okay, okay.
What about 20%?
That's more than we even make, lady.
I said get out, bhenchod!
You fucking stop
this negotiating bullshit!
-How about this for a counter?
-[gun clicks]
Do as I say or I paint the wall
with your husband's brains.
Oh, you wanna kill me?
You think I'm afraid of death?
My wife is a shrew,
my restaurants are in debt,
and my daughter thinks
she's a cartoon.
I'm already dead.
Do it. Do it!
[panting]
Ahmad Uncle.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[sniffing] Is that, uh,
is that Drakkar Noir?
Uh, yep, I love it.
It's making a comeback
with all the '90s shit.
Like nipple rings.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[doorbell chimes]
How'd it go at the restaurant?
-[doorbell jingles]
-Lucky Auntie.
What are you doing here?
Where's Mir?
Taking this Chief Saab thing
so seriously.
We need to find a
new distributor fast.
We've already wasted
precious time
with those fucking lunatics.
-I told you so. Fuck.
-You told me so.
-[Lucky] Goddammit.
-I need to go there.
I'm gonna help him.
Raj, I am not totally sure
how you can help him.
We're in crisis, Lucky Auntie.
I'm a Co-Chief Saab
and a co-brother.
I told you we should've
killed them, right?
And I got down on my knees
and I begged my mummy
to let me come to America.
And she slapped my face.
And I went anyway,
and she died two weeks later.
What is the point of that story?
Listen, man,
just accept our terms.
-Talk to your wife, please.
-[door opens]
What up, people?
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm in the middle of a deal right now.
-I'm here to help.
-Whoa, who is that?
Hey, I'm Raj Dar,
Mir's older brother.
Nice Mononoke, by the way.
Uh, oh, um, thank you. [giggles]
My parents think it's Pokémon.
LOL.
Raj, we were just telling
your short brother
that we can't settle
for less than 50%.
We need to provide
a future for our daughter.
If we go any higher,
we're gonna be losing money.
Well, let's talk.
-I
-[Raj] What can I do to make this work?
-Nandika?
-Huh?
Do you find my brother
attractive?
-He's a Philly 10.
-Oh, stop it.
The Dars believe in family.
And if we're making
a business arrangement,
maybe we can make
a family arrangement as well.
Nandika, how would you like
to marry my brother?
What is happening here?
[Mir] My brother will
marry your daughter.
She'll have a financially
secure future,
and we could be one
big happy family.
-What do you say?
-Yes, yes, absolutely.
Dad, tell Mom to say yes.
-Mir, can I talk to you for a second?
-Mm-hmm.
Right over here, come here.
[whispering] What the fuck?
Mir, yeah, I wanna help, okay?
But even Baba wouldn't
arrange marriage me
off like that.
Okay, please, just do
this for me, man.
It's the only way we can get
the deal done
and not die.
Rawr.
Fine.
I'm gonna get you back.
-Nandika!
-[chuckles]
Of course,
I would love to marry you.
Maybe after, like,
a ten-year-long engagement.
-Okay. [giggles]
-[Dadaji] What?
My granddaughter marrying
a Muslim!
-Who's that guy?
-I won't allow it!
But I love him!
Mom! Mom, please.
We will not let this
old-world thinking stand in our way.
You have my blessing.
-Yes!
-Six-month engagement.
-Six years.
-Three years.
-Five.
-Three.
Four with a massive wedding
with horses, a mithai tower,
and the works.
-Done!
-Yes.
-[hands slap]
-[Mir] Thank you so much.
-You won't be disappointed.
-Oh! [chuckles]
Nice to meet you.
[whispering] I'm into
some really freaky shit.
-Oh.
-I'm into some really freaky
off-the-grid shit.
Alright, loves, I do have
another session coming in 15 minutes,
so it's time to
reenter this realm
and maybe help me out
by emptying
your own puke buckets
into the toilet.
-Thank you, be blessed.
-[patron] Thank you.
Be blessed.
Oh, my God, Prairie, that was
the most amazing journey.
-Mm.
-I'm just confused about payment.
Wait, you don't need cash?
You have Blue Shield, right?
Your insurance covers it.
It's billed as physical therapy.
-Amazing.
-Mm-hmm.
Wait, but is all this legal?
The only laws of the universe
are set by the cosmos.
The Federal government disagrees.
Francis Mercer, FBI.
We have you on insurance fraud
and trafficking narcotics.
That's a minimum 10-year sentence.
Oh, my God.
Wait, did you just pretend to puke
several times
just to bust me?
That's correct.
Okay, I can't go to jail, so
Well, Prairie,
the FBI might look the other way on this
if you help us get some information.
What kind of information?
About your boyfriend
and his family.
[liquid sloshing]
How much cocaine do you think
we can get in a piñata?
[doorbell jingles]
I am so, so sorry, guys.
We really blew it this time.
-Psych!
-Heyo!
-Mir closed the deal.
-[both laughing]
[Lucky cheering]
[Lucky speaking foreign language]
How did it happen?
You know, I've been practicing
my whole life
to take over Baba's business
and I guess I kinda did.
-And I kinda helped.
-[Lucky gasps]
Yeah, Raj agreed to marry
that weird anime girl,
sight unseen, so that
pushed them over the edge.
Hold on, are you
actually gonna marry her?
I don't know.
That's future Raj's problem, like AI.
Chalo, let's get the
show on the road.
Ahmad, where's the pallet?
[laughing] How the
hell would I know?
That's Hamza's department.
[intense percussion
music playing]
-[rattling]
-Lift the gate.
[gate rattling]
[Raj] Um, where are the drugs?
[footsteps clomping]
Fuck, shit!
["To the Bank" by
Alo Wala playing]
A E I O U ♪
And sometimes Y ♪
And sometimes Y ♪
A E I O U ♪
Agendas innuendos ♪
That's how the end us
don't you think ♪
Agendas innuendos ♪
That's how we running
to the bank ♪
To the bank
to the bank ♪
To the bank to the bank ♪
To the bank
to the bank ♪
To the bank to the bank ♪
Hey, you there
with the Superman tee ♪
Tell me why the dog
tastes salty ♪
I know you got the looks
you better ping me ♪
Me, I'll be sipping
on my chai tea ♪
Hey, you there
with the Superman tee ♪
Tell me why the dog
tastes salty ♪
I know you got the looks
you better ping me ♪
Me, I'll be sipping
on my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
On my chai tea ♪
[song ends]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare playing]