Deli Boys (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[Raj Dar] We're the new heads
of the Dar crime organization.
[Mir Dar]
We propose that you make us
the exclusive distributor in West Philly.
[voice echoing]
-[banging on door]
-[both] Ah!
-What the fuck?!
-FBI or Bushra?
[Lucky] This place is a pigsty!
Worse. Lucky.
[upbeat music playing]
Ahmad here scored us invites
to Chickie's Super Bowl party.
-You serious?
-Oh, hell yeah!
Where you left me for dead, remember?
'Cause I do.
Can you move on already?
You're still alive, for God's sake.
Anyway, this is the most exclusive party
in Philly's underbelly.
Basically, it is the Met Ball
for the local crime world.
This is your chance
to pitch Chickie
on expanding the business to sell
Raj's new coke in West Philly.
Holy shit!
It's game day,
motherfuckers. Let's go!
[Lucky] Cover up
your pee-pee, Raj.
It's time for business.
[Ahmad]
Oh, shut up, Mir.
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
[upbeat jazz music playing]
-[metal detector chirps]
-[people chattering]
[Lucky]
Gun.
Silencer.
-Brass knuckles.
-[knuckles clatter]
Alright.
Come on.
Phone. Wallet.
Inhaler.
let yourself be free ♪
Romance is ♪
Why they dance the samba ♪
Come dance ♪
And try romance with me ♪
Together ♪
To the left are the guys
who run Clark Park.
[whispering] Don't wave.
-[whispers] Sorry.
-Goddammit.
The Pho Brothers are already
neck deep up Chickie's ass.
They got here early.
Clever little fuckers.
Anyone else afraid?
Yeah, a little bit.
Ooh, the pretzel statue.
Dude, check it out.
I could've gone pro.
Hey, Lucky, cute pants.
-Gucci?
-T.J.
I just rock them that good.
Go off, queen.
Who are these dorks?
Pleased to make
your acquaintance.
My name is Mir Dar,
and this is my brother Raj Dar.
Hello.
Gigi. Chickie's daughter.
Raj and Mir took over
the business after their dad died.
Well, it must be nice.
My dad won't let me work with him
'cause he's a fucking boomer
who thinks women
can't be involved in business!
I thought it was
because you shattered
both of Vinnie's eye sockets
when he shit-talked Lady Gaga.
He had plenty
of good seeing days.
He really did.
Is your mother here?
-No, she's in Florida. She hates the cold.
-Mm.
And by that, I mean
she's getting a neck lift.
[Lucky chuckles]
Chickie.
Hi. Behaving yourself?
Am I behaving myself?
-[scoffs] What am I, 10?
-[Lucky chuckles]
I should set this place on fire.
Again!
-Nice to meet you.
-So scary.
She's nice sometimes.
When she's sleeping.
-[both laughing]
-So good.
-Chickay!
-Ahmad, my man.
Where's your boyfriend?
Oh, dialysis.
Sunday's still Sunday
when you've got ketchup for blood.
-Mr. Lasagna, I
-It's Lozano, actually.
-Sorry.
-Sir, we really would love
to talk to you
about expansion.
Expansion?
Big boy pants over here.
[Mir]
Yes, sir.
We really would love
to talk to you in private
if you have a few minutes.
Baby wants his bottle.
Okay. My office downstairs
in five minutes.
[curious music playing]
Oh, Director Simpson!
I was not expecting you.
[sighs] Couldn't find anyone
to come back you up.
Lucky for you, I got zero going on
on the personal front.
Same.
So, what's the haps?
[Mercer] The Dars are in there
with a boatload
of Philly organized crime.
-We got 'em.
-Mm-mm.
Not until we prove it.
Now, we gotta slow play this.
You and I have
a lot of time to kill.
Speaking of,
think it's time for your boy
to do what he does best.
Uh, sir, I'm very flattered,
-but that is not
-Oh.
I'm not talking
about that thang.
I'm talking about
what I do second best.
Go undercover.
Oh.
Wait, you were thinking what?
Me and you? No.
[chuckles]
No offense,
but you're not my type.
I like a short, bossy brunette.
Like someone who's like,
[in whiny voice]
"We gotta be here at this time."
"What are you doing?
Saturday we have plans."
[normal]
That's the good stuff.
[mouthing]
He's with the Pho Bros.
He's saying something about
Chickie has furry balls?
[inaudible]
[Raj]
What is he saying?
[Ahmad] I think he's saying
Chickie has fibroids?
-That's so sad. Oh my
-He's saying, "Pho Brothers."
I'm an expert lip reader.
I know stuff about Travis
and Taylor you would not believe.
So, I guess I should tell my dad
that you were eavesdropping.
-Oh, Gigi. Come on. Don't.
-[Raj] You don't have to do that.
-Come on.
-I'm not a rat.
Unless it seems fun.
Then I would be a rat.
[Lucky chuckles]
If I had a little sister,
it would be someone like you.
Be more like Gigi, boys.
Yeah, be more like me.
Let me see what these jokers are saying.
-Mm, their family wants West Philly.
-[Mir and Raj sigh]
They're saying
they really deserve it.
Now my dad's saying
some bullshit.
I just check out
whenever he starts talking.
It literally sounds like,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
-Bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh, bluh.
-[lock rattles]
[door creaks]
-The fuck you doing?
-What are you doing?
We're wrapping up in here.
-A gift for you, Chickie.
-Oh.
-The boss of bosses.
-Beautiful.
It's going in the vault.
[Vietnamese hip-hop music plays]
-[Big Pho] It's the pickle crew.
-[Little Pho chuckles]
I could smell you from in there.
All I smell is Grade F beef,
you bitches.
[Little Pho scoffs]
Okay.
Come on in. Uh, not you, Gigi.
We're doing business.
Oh, okay. The mooks
can come in, but not me?
Alright. Yeah.
I'll be in the garage
cutting your brake line.
[whispering]
You three right here
-[door thuds]
-[lock beeping]
[Lucky whispering]
[Chickie Lozano] Yeah, I built up quite
a collection over the years.
Wow.
You know, I got something
of your dad's in there.
It's a Dawkins jersey
from back in the day.
Whoa! You got Baba's jersey?
I won it off him
in a dice game.
That's so awesome, Mr. Lasagna.
You know, we don't
really have much
of Baba's keepsakes
because of the frickin' FBI.
[Mir]
Mm-hmm.
Do you mind if we take
that one home?
It's mine.
I mean, but, like,
we don't really have anything.
Yeah. Just moving along.
Moving along.
Let's make this quick.
I don't wanna miss the hologram
of Mario Lanza dancing with Gritty.
-Icons upon icons, here we go.
-I get it.
Hey, Raj, fellow business
classmate of mine.
Would you like to try
some of this bargain blow?
Sure. [sniffs]
-[Lucky chuckles]
-[Raj] Oh, no!
I have
to shit immediately.
[Mir] I know, it's because
it's mostly baby laxatives,
but you should try
this new blend,
which is now 80% pure cocaine.
Whoa, that's way better!
I'm high as a kite,
and my diarrhea is cured.
[Mir] Sir, I've crunched the numbers,
and we can triple our profits
and, by extension,
yours by the third quarter.
Mr. Lasagna,
drugs are my passion.
And I know with this blow
we can make Philly
the cocaine capital
[Lucky/Mir/Raj]
Of the world.
[Lucky chuckles]
[Chickie inhales deeply]
Yeah, it's a no.
You guys are real cute.
But who we kidding? Huh?
Yous ain't ready. Gigi.
-What?
-[Chickie] Meeting is over.
The Pho Brothers
have been doing this
way longer than you two.
I have to go with experience.
Take our friends
to the kids' table.
[clicks tongue] Oh. I'm really sorry
it didn't work out for you guys.
-[Mir] Thank you, that means a lot.
-[Raj] Thank you
[chuckles] I'm kidding.
I don't care, like, at all.
-[Mir groans]
-Come on.
Sir, you'll be
too exposed in there.
I still think this is too risky.
For you, maybe.
They know who you are.
But they've never met
[in Italian accent]
Joey from Fishtown.
What are you lookin' at?
[normal accent]
Killer, huh?
Yep.
So, camera's set.
Okay, I have reception,
so if anything goes wrong in there,
-you signal me by saying
-No.
No. Look at me.
[snaps fingers]
Look at me.
I am looking at you.
Never interfere with
an undercover mission.
No matter what happens,
you stay in the van.
No safe words.
You got that?
-Yeah.
-No safe words.
Got it, sir.
Good.
You're about to receive
a MasterClass.
No subscription necessary.
[in Italian accent] 'Ey, what kind of food
you got in this place? Come on.
[normal accent]
Alright, I'm ready to go.
[TV announcer]
That was an incredible first half.
What a game we have going here
Can't believe I'm stuck here
with you mooks.
We're not mooks. Okay?
We're the bosses.
And we shouldn't even be
at the kids' table.
Right.
[whispers] What's a mook?
They conquered Spain
in the 8th century.
That can't be true.
[child]
Fuck you, you bag of shit!
I fucked your grandma.
You probably would fuck
that ugly hoe!
My nephews.
So would they have
the same grandma?
Yeah, my mother.
[sighs]
This place sucks!
We shouldn't be here.
We should be over there!
I should be over there.
[people chattering]
Eh, what's wrong
with this fuckin' orange?
[Lucky]
That's not an oran
-Fuck oranges.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
So, Chickie, would you like
to try a pick-me-up?
Maybe, you know,
give our new blend a shot?
Oh, hey, no business right now, doll.
It's the biggest day of the year.
Yeah, rude, doll.
Some broads, you can't take
'em anywhere. Am I right?
[Chickie and Ahmad laughing]
Look, at the next commercial break,
we're gonna go to the adults' table.
Okay? I know we can
still convince him.
Will you give it up?
He's never gonna give you a chance.
He won't even let me in.
And I'm way smarter than you two.
And a therapist once said
I had little to no conscience.
That's terrifying.
Hey, Gigi, do you know
how to get into your dad's vault?
Ooh, that's interesting.
Yeah, the combo's
his own birthday.
-Fucking narcissist.
-Raj, what are you talking about?
Baba's jersey. I want it.
We cannot steal
from Chickie's vault.
Not only will he not
give us the territory,
he will skin us alive.
Yeah, he will.
Ooh, I'm into this.
But the jersey, Mir,
it's, like, calling me.
I hear it. It is calling you.
Yeah, Mir. I need
to see the jersey.
I have this distinct memory
of getting Cheez Whiz
all over that thing
when I was a kid.
That was me.
It was a white Dawkins jersey.
Mooks! There is only
one way to settle this.
Mir, I know you want
to see it too.
Come on.
Fine.
You're a fucking troublemaker.
-You flirting with me?
-No. Uh
Chickie, about West Philly
What you really
should be doing
is getting me another one
of these beers.
Grab it yourself,
fish sauce breath.
Hey, don't talk
to my brother like that.
And stick to your side
of the Schuylkill
unless you want
a Dao Vua to the chest.
A Dao Vua to my
Try me, noodle boy.
Oh, that should have gone
in the basket.
Uh, I apologize, Chickie.
Basket.
Aw! Nom nom nom nom nom.
-Bitch.
-Can't take her nowheres.
[lock beeping]
[vault door creaks]
[Gigi sighs]
[mellow jazzy music playing]
Uh, welcome to Philadelphia's museum
of contemporary bullshit.
Whoa.
The first cheese steak, petrified.
Uh, Black Thought's first lunchbox.
It's kind of cool, actually.
Vince Papale's bar rag.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Ship in a bottle.
Who gives a fuck?
Championship rings.
There's one missing.
I sold it. [laughs]
Mm, Kevin Bacon's baby tooth.
M. Night Shyamalan's
original iPhone.
[Raj]
Yo, Chickie's collection is sick.
Look at this little guy.
And my dad's pride and joy,
good ol' Uncle Frank Rizzo.
Ew. The asshole racist mayor?
Yeah. And my dad's hero.
Can you believe that shit?
He made him wanna be a mob boss.
Wait, you knew that your dad was
in the mob your whole life?
-He never hid it from you?
-I mean, yeah.
But I didn't see him kill anybody
until I was 12.
He's not insane.
Our dad kept us out
of the business our whole lives.
So, you hate him, right?
-No.
-No, he's dead.
We actually miss him a lot.
Maybe you should appreciate
that you still got yours.
Yeah. Maybe I should.
-[chuckles] Fuck you.
-Oh.
-What?
-We gotta get outta here.
No, we gotta find that
fucking jersey, dude.
-[TV announcer] Touchdown! Philadelphia.
-[all cheering]
[TV announcer] Right as time expires
at the end of the third quarter.
[whispering]
I would really appreciate it
if you wouldn't undermine me
in front of Chickie.
I'm trying to close the deal.
So piss off.
What?
Look,
the boys screwed it
with Chickie.
They should never have
been made Chief Saab.
I should be the boss.
Chickie even said so when
we were hanging out together.
But you fucking
stole it from me.
Hold on. I stole it from you?
I should have been
the Chief Saab.
Baba never wanted you
to be Chief Saab!
He told you that to your face.
Don't pretend like it never happened.
I was there.
[game playing on TV]
[Ahmad]
Yeah.
But Baba's dead, isn't he?
[Mir chuckles]
This is it. I found it!
It's Baba's jersey.
Look, it's got the cheese splotch
on it and everything.
I told you it was
a white Dawkins jersey.
It was my memory.
[Baba] [echoing]
Yes! Yes! Gimme five.
[Baba laughing] Whoa!
Holy monkey.
Okay, boys, get out of here.
I have to do some work.
[echoing]
I forgot my foam finger.
[echoing]
Shh.
[Mir] Raj.
[snapping fingers]
Raj. Snap out of it.
-[smacks head]
-Whoa.
I knew Baba was a drug dealer.
-What are you talking about?
-The jersey.
It unearthed a memory.
I saw him stuffing coke
inside a MegaGlug.
You knew who Baba was
this whole time?
Ooh.
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Fight.
How could you not tell me?
It was buried, man.
Like, really fucking deep.
That's how I deal
with all my hard memories.
I put 'em in my memory palace,
and now it's open.
Oh, no.
Here comes a lot more shit.
I fed you a centipede
when you were six.
Alan Iverson only agreed
to meet you
because I told him you were
a Make-A-Wish kid.
-I had a boner at Dadi's funeral.
-I knew it.
[Gigi grunting]
Take that, you son of a bitch.
What the fuck are you doing?
She's getting in trouble.
Fuck. Hey, come back here
with Frank Rizzo's ear.
[suspenseful music playing]
I'm going around the back.
Watch and learn from the master.
Yo.
Raj, we gotta find her
or we're fucked.
I started the rumor
about you having three balls.
I catfished you
on AOL instant messenger.
Raj, shut up! Stop.
Okay, thank you
for ruining my life.
I had a fucked-up sense
of humor back then, man.
I didn't know
you were gonna fall in love
with MasalaMommy1989.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
[sighs]
Raj, if I knew Baba
was a drug dealer,
I wouldn't have spent my entire life
trying to be like him.
But you are like him, man.
Like, without even trying.
In a great way.
You think so?
Okay. Okay.
Who the fuck are you?
[Director Simpson]
Who the fuck are you? [laughs]
-[grunting]
-Oh, oh.
-Uhh.
-Ooh!
[Director Simpson]
[coughs] Take it easy.
[groaning]
They're gonna kill him.
[Director Simpson]
Help. Help me.
Help.
Nobody's gonna help you,
you fuck!
[dogs barking]
[breathing heavily]
I'm not crying. Those guys
kicked dirt in my eyes.
I got a couple good shots in there.
After the lapel pin fell off.
[heavy breaths]
-[game playing on TV]
-Excuse me. Sorry. Yeah.
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, guys.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[Ahmad sighs]
Chickie, let's talk about
West Philly, man to man.
Man to man,
your crew isn't tight.
You and Lucky hate each other.
These young guys at the head,
they don't have the grit.
Doesn't give me
the confidence I need
to give you more territory.
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
What am I doing?
I'm at a mobster's house
trying to gain drug territory?
Yeah.
It's pretty messed up.
You really think
I'm like Baba?
Put your arms up.
I'm gonna put this on.
[solemn sitar music playing]
Get your head through.
[sighs]
It fits.
-It fits.
-[both laugh]
I'm sorry my brain
is so fucked up, man.
But if I got to shield you
from any of this bullshit
then it was worth it.
That's what Baba was doing
with us, I guess.
Yeah.
[Chickie]
Get me the Dar boys!
-Oh, shit.
-Fuck.
[Mir]
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
[game playing on TV]
[Mir and Raj panting]
Is this, uh, some kind
of, like, retaliation
fo-for not giving you West Philly?
No, not retaliation. Okay?
We swear we didn't do anything.
Mr. Lasagn Lozano.
I know it looks bad
but if you let me explain
[TV announcer] turn of events,
the Eagles have lost the game
76-6.
-Oh, goddamn.
-Oh.
Everybody out!
Party's over.
-Alright. Thank you for the hospitality.
-[Lucky] Out!
You assholes stay right here!
Nick, get in here.
[Gigi Lozano]
I did it.
I took Rizzo's ear.
And I gave 'em
that stupid jersey too.
Why would you do this?
Felt like it.
Mr. Lasagna,
your daughter is calculating
and deceitful
and for sure crazy.
All the qualities one needs
to be a good gangster.
[Mir]
Don't take it for granted.
Our dad kept us outta
the business to protect us.
And now we'll never know
what it's like
to work together as a family.
And I don't know
if we'll ever get over it.
Don't make the same mistake
our Baba did.
You still have a chance.
I was just trying
to protect you,
but now I gotta let you fly,
like an eagle.
I'm ready to fly, Daddy.
And these guys
aren't total mooks.
I mean, I don't hate them.
-Aw.
-See? She likes us.
And while I have
your ear, I'm kidding,
I'd like to tell you why
we should get West Philly.
'Cause we're gonna make you
a fuck-ton of money.
It's that simple.
The balls on these guys.
[Baba] This product will be shipped
to every ABC Deli
across the Delaware Valley
on a weekly basis.
What do you say, Chickie?
West Philly's yours.
-What? Really?
-[Raj laughing]
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much, sir.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, hell yeah. [laughs]
No one believed
in your father either.
You know, I gave him a chance,
and it paid off.
I promise we will not disappoint you.
-We won't.
-Pho Brothers might be
a little disappointed,
but we'll not disappoint you.
[Chickie]
Things went a different way.
Sometimes the favorite
doesn't win.
That's why
I bet against the Eagles
and made a fortune today.
-A smart man.
-Genius.
A smart man.
It's the next generation's turn.
Come here.
-I'm coming
-No.
[whispering]
I think he means Gigi.
-Right, right, right.
-Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
That makes sense.
Father-daughter.
[Mir] Yeah.
Daddy, let's fire Nick.
I hate him.
[upbeat music playing]
Why are you guys still here?
-Oh, sorry. Yes.
-Let's get outta here. Let's go.
-Thank you for the hospitality once again.
-[Mir] Thank you.
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
♪♪
Groundbreakin', earth shakin' ♪
Moves I've been makin'
been plannin' for decades ♪
And now it's time
for the execution ♪
And to execute, spread my roots
let's get loose, uhh ♪
You ain't never seen
half man, half machine ♪
All beast, ha ♪
Still sayin' the least
prepare yourself a feast ♪
Get yourself a priest ♪
Yeah, it's hard to believe ♪
One man can leave
so much carnage in the streets ♪
-Yeah ♪
-The fact is that he's ♪
Hot as the sunshine
and cool as a breeze ♪
Yeah, a lion gotta eat ♪
Gotta bite somethin'
while I got all these teeth ♪
Yeah, so when you see me
in the street ♪
Do yourself a favor, homie
don't get seen ♪
You keep lookin' for it ♪
You gonna get it ♪
You been warned ♪
But you ain't been listenin' ♪
This ain't what you
been thinkin' you would get ♪
Knock you down
you won't get back up again ♪
Do yourself a favor
don't you come around here ♪
Ain't nothin' but a problem
waitin' for you 'round here ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Ah, yeah ♪
[song ends]
[fanfare plays]