Deli Boys (2025) s01e10 Episode Script

1
-[indistinct radio chatter]
-[siren wailing]
["You Did It" by
Ann Robinson playing]
You did it ♪
-You did it ♪
-Uh-huh ♪
Baby, you did it ♪
Uh-huh ♪
You made me want you, yeah ♪
We keep telling you.
We didn't see his face.
Could have been a woman.
Or a very thin, beautiful man.
I'm sorry, guys. This is
an active crime scene, okay?
Nobody gets in the building.
Nobody gets out.
Sir, it's my wedding!
One of your guests died,
which, by the way,
is not a very good omen.
This is Islamophobic, man.
Would you do this to two white people
if someone died at their wedding?
No, of course I would not.
You would or wouldn't?
I wouldn't. No, I would.
I would!
Yes, I would. Ah, fuck.
Look, I don't want
Internal Affairs up my ass again.
Here's what I'll do.
Anybody who has an invitation,
they can go in.
-But that's it.
-Great.
-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.
-We happy?
-I could be happier, but
-[Sergeant] Okay, well, that's not my job.
-Thank you so much, sir.
[funky upbeat music playing]
[gunshots]
[bullet shells clinking]
You poor boys haven't
eaten all day.
Same thing happened to me
at my wedding.
You were married?
One whole day.
Murderwalla.
Crazy night in Vegas.
Great sex.
Basically started the
divorce paperwork
the night of the wedding.
-Holy shit.
-[Raj Dar] Wow.
Look, boys, I promised Baba
if anything happened to him,
that I would protect you
in this fucked-up world.
And that promise is
my goddamn religion.
I will always choose you.
I am sorry about Prairie.
Can you forgive me?
You did a really bad thing,
Lucky Auntie.
I can understand
why you did it now,
but it's not up to me.
I can't forgive you yet.
But this roti roll is
a pretty good start.
I'll take it.
Anyway, speaking of murder,
there is actually something else
I need to tell you about.
Oh, God. Please, Lucky Auntie.
I-I don't know how much more
of this shit I can take.
You know what? You're right.
It can wait.
More pressing business.
After your little tirade
about switching suppliers,
the Peruvians have dispatched
a really scary motherfucker
named Chacho
to make good on the threat
pinned to Dawar's head.
Oh, fuck.
So Chacho will be here soon
to collect our debt
or our heads. That's all.
Just stating facts.
And how are we supposed
to sell a million dollars'
worth of drugs today?
Oh, this is how we die.
[Bushra] Mir?
-[Mir Dar] Bushra, hey.
-This is so bad.
I know. I know. I know.
Hey, I know.
A death at a wedding
is a lot to process.
Not that. The flower
altar keeps falling.
I can't deal.
I have to get into makeup.
Secure the altar.
This is my big day.
[Mir] Listen. I know
this has been a lot, okay?
But I promise you
everything's gonna be perfect
-from here on out. Okay?
-You keep saying that. [sniffles]
No, no, no. I promise.
I promise. Hand on my heart.
-Okay?
-Okay.
Get outta here.
[pensive percussive
music playing]
To be clear,
this Chacho thing is a priority
-over the flower thing.
-For sure.
[officers chattering]
Hey, who's in charge here?
[Sergeant] he doesn't
have a leg? [chuckles]
-I am.
-Thanks for holding it down.
FBI. We'll take it from here.
You know something?
We don't work for you, Orphan Annie.
We're here to help, Sergeant
Testicola?
-Am I saying that right?
-Yeah. You're saying it right.
Testicola. That's right.
That's my name.
Look, we're expecting
something major here.
We're gonna look around.
Please keep your guys
out of our way.
You know something?
You remind me of a guy
I beat the shit out of
when I was a kid.
I'm not surprised that a cop
used to be a
bully as a child.
Yeah. Why don't you go put
your little rubber gloves on?
-Come on!
-Go. Go.
-Do your FBI stuff.
-[Agent Frances Mercer] Come on!
-[sniffing]
-[Ali] Ah!
Seriously, guys?
Who gives a shit at this point?
-[Lucky] He's right.
-Oh!
We're all going to die.
When did you get so religious?
I'm just covering my bases.
I did a lot of bad shit
in my life, man.
-Astagfirullah.
-[Mir] Right. And with that,
welcome to my wedding day
emergency meeting.
-As stated, things are pretty fucking bad.
-[Hassan sniffing]
Ahmad Uncle, welcome back.
It's actually Reverend Ahmad.
That's gonna be your new career
if we can't pull ourselves
out of this.
Right. Ali, Feraz, Hassan,
really sorry for the trauma
that you suffered.
Open the door, man!
The child lock is on!
[Mir gasping]
But we really gotta
pull it together
if we wanna get
through this, okay?
Dude, you're not the Chief Saab.
Why is he always talking
like he's Chief Saab?
You're definitely
not Chief Saab.
And you're talking like
you're full of coke.
You want some?
Okay, guys, can we please
table our internal issues?
Table bullshit my ass,
you dumb fuck! Dawar is dead!
Astagfirullah. Forgive me.
Oh, sweet Dawar. Sweet,
sweet, sweet, sweet Dawar!
Look, there is enough coke
just sitting in Ahmad's truck
to cover the million we owe
the Peruvians and then some.
And it's not going anywhere
with all the cops outside.
[Raj] They can't get in
without a warrant.
And if we give them
a reason to come in here,
we're fucked.
We're out of fronts.
[Mir gasps]
That's it.
-[Maaliks] Hmm?
-That's how we do it.
We're gonna use my wedding
as a front.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mir.
You literally just told Bushra
that this
But this is the only way
I can get us out of this.
This sounds super haram.
I'm out.
Where do you think
you're going, fucking idiot?
Like, Pakistan, bro.
I got a government pension
over there. Fuck this.
-He's on a fucking student visa.
-Fuck you.
-[Maaliks arguing]
-Mir, are you crazy, dude?
-If Bushra finds out
-Can you just let him talk?
We get the street dealers
to pose as wedding guests,
put them on the guest list,
put their bricks
in different colored gift bags
they can take on their way out.
Have you looked at that mob?
[snickers] I mean, rough doesn't
begin to describe them.
You'd be better off
putting them in hijabs.
We'll get them to shower.
But even if we get that far,
how do we get the
money out of here
and to the Peruvians with cops
and Feds all watching?
[Mir sighs]
[rattling]
-[shoes squeak]
-[items clatter]
Sorry.
There's a horse in the kitchen.
[upbeat music playing]
We put the money in here.
So it's like a Trojan horse
except filled with cash
instead of whatever was
in the Trojan horse?
-Pretty sure it was Trojans.
-Trojans.
We load it out with all
the other wedding crap
and deliver it to Chacho.
The FBI and the cops
will just think
it's a part of the wedding.
I can see in your faces that
you all know this is gonna work.
I'll put the street dealers
on the guest list.
Ali, call those scrubs
and tell them to get gussied up.
Matthew and I will get
started on the bags.
-Ahmad?
-I'll get the cocaine.
Mir? You go be a groom, beta.
We'll take it from here.
[pensive percussive
music playing]
Alright.
You sure you wanna do this
on your wedding day?
We have to. This is my fuck-up.
I gotta make this right.
Alright. But this is
it for me, man.
Once this deal is done
I'm out the game.
You know, I haven't wanted
to admit it to myself,
but I know.
It's crazy. I, uh
I always thought
I was the drug guy.
Turns out I'm not.
I'm gonna take care of
everything. Okay?
I'll even pay for your
fur sweatshirts and shit.
[chuckles] Thanks.
You were born for this, man.
I fucking love you.
I love you too.
Tiff in the tiffin?
Tiff in the tiffin.
Come here.
[vintage Bollywood
song playing]
[Matthew singing along
in foreign language]
[Lucky joins in singing]
Calm before the storm?
That was Baba's favorite song.
[vintage Bollywood
music continues]
[music volume lowers]
Ahmad, I have something
to tell you.
Baba was murdered.
-What?
-It's true.
No, th-that can't be. He was
He-he was killed by a golf ball.
Hard to wrap your mind around,
but it is true.
I met his assassin.
He didn't know who
ordered the hit.
All he could tell me was
that they had Brown skin
and mid-digital hair.
Look, he's got hair
on his middle knuckles.
It's a rare genetic trait.
It was Chickie Lasagna.
That scum-sucking greaseball.
-He dies tonight.
-Tonight.
I'll do it!
-You? God, no.
-Absolutely not.
I'm speaking in an elevated tone
because I'm talking to a moron.
How long does it take
to get a search warrant?
What do you mean the judge is
at a bocce tournament?
Put me through to [groans]
And she's gone.
[guests chattering]
This is ridiculous.
Just look at these guys.
They're obviously
the Dars' crime associates
just waltzing in.
Sergeant Testicola,
are you seeing this?
We need to take action.
Mm. Not on my watch, honey.
[crunches]
[mouthful] We got a little thing
here called protocol.
[Mercer sighs]
I learned that
the hard way. [chuckles]
They gave me a,
a little house arrest
that just ruined my marriage,
so here we are. Alright?
We are so close to getting
these guys.
And we're stuck behind
a red tape.
[Testicola crunching chips]
Sometimes I really hate America.
-[contemporary raga music playing]
-[guests chattering]
I assume you're with the Dars.
-Chickie.
-Yeah.
Is anybody gonna die
at this event?
-[Lucky chuckles]
-[Chickie Lozano] Just sayin'.
Fingers crossed,
no one is savagely murdered.
[Lucky chuckles]
Piece of shit.
[pensive percussive
music playing]
How could you do this?
Don't ask me about my business.
Don't you dare quote
The Godfather.
The one thing I asked was
to not know about your business,
and you're doing a drug deal
at our wedding?
Baby, I had no choice.
Why don't you just put that back
where we found it,
and we can get back
to the wedding?
You ruined the wedding
that I dreamt about
since I was a little girl.
[Mir]
I had no choice.
I'm doing what
I have to do for us.
Okay? Let's just get over it.
I can't just get over it!
I've seen something
I can't unsee.
I had to tell my mom
that this was a bath bomb.
And you've both made it
abundantly clear
that you don't want me
if I'm poor.
[scoffs] So it's my fault
for wanting things too?
You're saying you would
stop all of this
if I didn't want stuff?
This is my world.
You joining me or not?
Goodbye, Mir.
[tense tabla music playing]
[pensive tabla music playing]
[Raj]
Well, this is weird.
We hear shit's falling apart.
This family has a dark cloud.
Yeah. No wedding, no cover.
No cover, no deal.
No deal and we're dead.
Anything we can do to help?
["5 Taara" by Diljit Dosanjh
playing]
Huh?
[MC]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the bride
and groom to the stage
-for the ceremony.
-[glass shatters]
[singing in foreign language]
[guests gasp]
[all murmuring]
[Ahmad]
We're gathered here today
to witness the formation
of a union,
one based on an ancient
tradition
of rolling the dice
and seeing how they fall.
Yeah, but before we get to it,
the bride and groom
have prepared their own vows.
Where's Bushra?
Yes, he's rich. A little chubby.
Are you free to meet
Tazeen's nephew
for brunch tomorrow?
I don't know,
but the shrimp is really good
and I hear the gift
bags are awesome.
-Nandika.
-Raj.
We barely know each other.
The two things
I know about you are
that you're really hot
Like, not even the
basic shit, right?
and that your family
is somehow
even more fucked up than mine.
-I don't know your birthday.
-November 12th.
[Raj] I don't know
your mental health history
or your political beliefs.
-They're fun.
-[Raj] Oh, dope.
I can tell from your eyes,
and also your awesome body,
that you are a good person.
And you know, ever since
that one time
that we smoked weed
together yesterday,
I just feel like you're hotter
than I thought you were.
And that is a vast improvement
from the freaks, incels,
and sadists
that are normally
available to me.
And so I'm just like,
"Fuck it." Right?
-Fuck it!
-[Raj] What's the worst that could happen?
[Nandika]
I feel the exact same way.
-[Raj] Let's do it, right?
-Yeah. I do!
[Ahmad]
Yeah. Right. Well,
in a western deviation
of the tradition,
the bride and groom may kiss.
[guests gasp]
[guests applauding]
-Come on! Come on!
-I won!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[guests chattering]
Dead man eating ladoo.
[Matthew] [softly]
If they would let me, I would kill you.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Let's get the deal done first.
-[hip-hop music playing]
-[Nandika and Raj] Thank you.
-[Nandika] Thank you.
-[Raj] Thanks.
Thank you, guys.
-["Barry" by AG Club playing]
-What you gon' do? ♪
-What you gon' do? What you gon' do? ♪
-Thank you.
-What you gon' do? ♪
-Thank you.
-What you gon' do? ♪
-I'm finna ♪
[speaking foreign language]
Come on, come on, let's go.
[indistinct chatter]
There's 746,
there's no different
Ow!
Can't you count faster?
[Hassan]
Hurry up, bro. Come on.
I'm not getting killed
by the fucking Peruvians.
Have a good day.
That's pretty good.
Let's go!
Whoo!
["Barry" continues playing]
-[music stops]
-[indistinct chatter]
Good evening.
You must be Chacho.
-[Chacho grunts]
-[Mir gasps]
[tense music playing]
Look, all the money's there.
We counted it.
I can show you our tally sheet.
You've never been
a cent short
since you took over
for your father.
Late, but never short.
Chacho, encantada.
I believe this concludes
our business.
Not so fast, Afortunada.
My employers have heard stories
of your dogged efforts
to keep your dying
operation alive.
It has earned their admiration.
-Wow.
-So nice.
-So nice. Mm.
-[chuckles] Yeah.
I am going to settle
for not being killed
and just getting back to work.
Chacho, I want you to know
that we are dedicated
to out-of-the-box thinking
and making us all boatloads
of money in the process.
We are going big. Okay?
We all got that
immigrant mentality.
Aye, amigo.
The American Dream
esta muerto.
-Oh.
-Mm-hmm.
But this is still the
land of opportunity
for cocaine traffickers.
-[Lucky] Mm-hmm.
-[Chacho] We need reliable partners.
You'll hear from us
when the time is right.
Adios.
-[Chacho grunts]
-[Mir] Adios.
[cargo door whirring]
I think I love that guy.
-[truck driving away]
-[Mir panting]
[Mir exhales]
[Lucky sighs]
["Just One Look"
by Linda Ronstadt playing]
[guests applauding]
-Just one look ♪
-[guests oohing]
-And I fell so ha-a-rd ♪
-[Nandika giggling]
-[guests cheering]
-[Raj] Oh!
In love ♪
-[guests cheering]
-[Nandika laughs]
With you ♪
Oh, oh ♪
[quiet chatter]
Is the bathroom that way?
Yeah, I think so.
-You gonna be alright by yourself?
-Yeah, I'm good.
[Lucky]
The wedding is almost done,
and Chickie just broke off
from the crowd.
No.
Let me have this.
[tense tabla music playing]
Chickie.
Chickie, Chickie, Chickie.
You know my full
name is Chicken.
Chicken Giuseppe Lozano.
-[laughs] Cool story.
-[cocks gun]
[tense music playing]
[Chickie sighs]
I always knew I'd get whacked
but not in a bathroom
by a pussy like you.
Pussy? [scoffs]
Yeah, whatever.
You're taking the fall
for Baba's murder.
[sighs]
You killed him?
I should have been
the Chief Saab.
This was supposed to be my time.
In the old days, I'd have
been boss automatically.
You should have backed me
when you had the chance.
But here we are.
You fuckin' Brutus!
He was an arrogant asshole.
Never treated me with
an ounce of respect.
And he was tanking
the business. Our business.
So I thought, why not cut
the head off the snake
and come out on top when
the dust settles?
-[feet thud]
-[ominous music playing]
[door creaking]
Oh, Christ.
How could you?
Well, I would've done it sooner
and rubbed you out
at the same time.
Sorry we tried
to kill you, Chickie.
Lucky thought you put
the hit on Baba
because of your disgusting
knuckle hair.
I think it's masculine.
But then [chuckles]
I remembered.
I was getting my unibrow done,
Silky Smooth on
Washington Ave
-[Ahmad gasps]
-and who do I see
getting laser hair removal?
-I should have known it was you.
-[gun cocks]
You were always so
jealous of Baba.
-It sounds like a "you two" problem.
-Shut up.
You're a clever bugger, Matthew.
And you make a bang-up
cup of chai.
-[gun fires]
-Oh, God!
No!
[gun fires]
You have our loyalty.
We would follow you
into the hell.
[Raj] Mir's gonna take it
from here. I'm out, guys.
This just isn't my vibe,
like, at all.
Congratulations on your
marriage, Raj.
I had an arranged marriage too.
Best thing that ever
happened to me.
Thank you. Yeah.
Gonna move to Tallahassee.
Start over, maybe take
some night classes.
Have some weird,
crazy sex with my wife.
Get to know her first,
obviously.
Florida sucks,
but you do you, Raj.
Okay.
-Mm-hmm.
-Yep.
[Maaliks continue chattering]
[somber music playing]
There's something I have
to tell you both.
FBI, freeze!
[Lucky] Fuck!
Wow. So the FBI's crashing
weddings now?
We know this wedding is a sham.
Mashallah. She said yes.
There goes the bride.
Something went down.
We need to get in there,
but we don't have a warrant.
[Director Brett Simpson]
You know, my grandpa used to say
it's better to ask for
forgiveness than permission.
Ever heard that?
Yes. It's an extremely
common saying.
The other brother's getting
married now?
Is this a Pakistani thing?
All I saw were two
beautiful people getting married.
-This is a private event.
-Just give it up.
There is clearly a drug deal
going on at this wedding.
Hey! Unless you have
a warrant, don't set a foot
Oh, actually, our warrant
just cleared one hour ago.
Pretty lucky. [smooches]
Why don't you show it to me?
It's hidden in a place
you wouldn't even expect.
-[Lucky] Your asshole?
-[Simpson] No.
-Your asshole.
-[Lucky] My asshole?
-FBI, freeze!
-[Ahmad] Chickie.
[Lucky]
Hey, what the fuck?
-Chickie?
-Chick
Chickie?
[tense music playing]
Ahmad had your father
killed. [chokes]
-What?
-What?
What?
-What?
-What?
No, i-it was Chickie.
He's got the hairy knuckles.
-Laser hair removal.
-[body thuds]
Holy shit.
-I will rip your dick off!
-I'm gonna kill you.
Raj, stop! No!
-[Lucky] Fucker!
-FBI.
-[agent] Hands where we can see 'em!
-[Lucky] Fuck!
We have an injured
civilian here.
Requesting a medic.
Director Simpson,
what are you doing here?
Our warrant cleared
30 seconds ago.
-[Lucky scoffs]
-Thank God. You got here just in time.
These drug smugglers
just shot Chickie Lozano.
Take 'em away, boys.
The FBI official here illegally
was the only one with a weapon.
[agents murmuring]
I'm sorry, sir.
You shouldn't have been here.
Disarm them.
Oh, come on. We're FBI agents.
[agent]
We're following procedure.
Sadly, it's true. As of now,
we're rogue operatives.
How could you? You were my hero.
You're still my hero.
Grab a bouquet on the way out.
Alright, fan out, boys.
Let's turn this place
upside down.
-[agents chattering]
-[tense music playing]
Where's Ahmad?
Ahmad!
I'm gonna find that
son of a bitch
and I'm gonna kill him.
Ahmad!
[jazzy Italian crooner
music playing]
[loud chewing]
So, as youse know,
Chickie's been incapacilated.
That's medical for in a coma.
So I'm gonna take over.
Alright, one, two,
three, shake me ♪
-[funky music playing]
-[glasses clink]
[Nick]
Oh, Lucky.
-You're fashionably late.
-Shut up, Nick. You're fired.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Says who, sweetheart?
You're not the boss of me.
You're not even Italian.
[thugs laugh]
Express orders from
my new business partner,
Geraldine Gelato "Gigi" Lozano.
She's in Turks, maybe Caicos,
and she asked me to deliver
this message.
Uh-huh. I'm listenin'.
[gun fires]
[bullet shell clinks]
We're in charge now. Girl power.
You go, girl. All that crap.
Anyone have a problem with that?
Matthew?
-[machine gunfire]
-[debris clatters]
[shouting] Does anyone
have a problem with that?!
-[tense music playing]
-[thugs muttering]
[Mir] Lucky Auntie,
this is his third late payment.
We've tried beating his ass.
Have someone take care of it
or I'll do it myself.
Yeah, I'm getting brunch
with Chacho tomorrow.
Okay, bye.
Raj, you've been doing
this for days.
Let's go take a walk
to Pakora Palace.
You can go see Nandika.
Nah, I'm not going anywhere
until we find Ahmad.
You gotta check this out, okay?
Apparently,
Ahmad has a half brother
in the south of France
and, well, they have
no extradition laws over there.
So if I can tap into my network
of Corsican assassins
Okay, someone needs to get
out of the house. Let's go.
Just give me a couple
more minutes, man.
[Mir] Come on!
You gotta touch grass, buddy.
-It's a lot of yarn.
-Did you know
Ahmad Saeed isn't
his actual name?
It's actually Saeed Ahmad.
So the Aztecs would remove
the hearts of their victims
and then skin them alive,
and I thought that'd be perfect
for Ahmad because his
Alright. Alright.
Here's what I'm focused on.
We won.
The Peruvians are on our side.
-We're making a shit ton of money.
-That's true.
And the golf courses
are gonna take business
to the next level.
Raj, Baba's vision is
finally becoming a reality.
You're right. You're right.
We're thriving.
-[chuckles] Yeah.
-Yeah.
I skipped breakfast.
Wanna grab a burrito bowl?
-Okay.
-[explosion booms]
[both gasp]
-[dogs barking]
-[car alarm blaring]
Fuck!
["Guillotine" by
Death Grips playing]
It goes Guillotine ♪
Yeah! ♪
♪♪
Sit in the dark and
ponder how I'm fit ♪
To make the bottom
fall through the floor ♪
And they all fall down ♪
Yeah! ♪
It goes, it goes, it goes,
it goes, it goes, it goes ♪
Yeah! ♪
Out of the shadows
barrage of witch tongue ♪
Cobra spit over apocalyptic
cult killer cauldron smoke ♪
Stomp music seriously,
yeah! ♪
It goes, it goes, it goes,
it goes, it goes, it goes ♪
Can't stop the groove
licks jaws ♪
Clear off them locks
relentless raw movement ♪
Fit to knock you from here
to that g-spot body rock connected ♪
To everything you want,
ever did want ♪
We got it why not come get it,
stick your head in that hole ♪
And watch me drop this
cold guillotine death sentence ♪
Yeah! ♪
Yeah! ♪
It goes, it goes,
it goes, it goes ♪
It goes, it goes,
it goes, it goes ♪
Guillotine ♪
Yeah! ♪
♪♪
Guillotine ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[music distorting,
voice echoing]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
-[voice echoing]
-[song fades out]
[fanfare playing]
[fanfare plays]