Diary of a Future President (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
The National Mall
1 [ELENA.]
Diary, Mami and Sam were full-on together.
Maybe I could treat you to a nice dinner tonight, just the two of us? [GABI.]
Sorry about last night's surprise party of five.
You okay with that? I'm not sure.
[ELENA.]
Bobby and Monyca with a Y were getting serious.
So, I guess this means you're my girlfriend, right? Yeah.
I think so.
[ELENA.]
And Sasha and I were growing up.
At our own pace.
Hey, Jessica, do you have a tampon? So, a tampon is I know what a tampon is.
I'm premenstrual, not pre-Mesozoic.
I'm here for it Facing fears and chasing dreams Just winging it And I'm staying true to me Hello world, I wonder who I'll be No matter what I do It's all about my journey Lo puedo lograr [ELENA.]
Diary, I know I'm growing every day, but there's still a lot to be desired in the womanhood department.
Mami! Vamos, señorita.
Enough with the fashion show.
Time for school.
Almost ready.
So, Sasha's mom is going to take you guys to the mall after school, and then I'll pick you up.
Do you remember the mall rules? Stick with Sasha, don't go anywhere except Kimmy's and the food court, and if anyone creepy tries to talk to me, scream, "My mom's a lawyer!" Very good! Still no other stores? When you're old enough, we'll expand your territory.
Do you know what my food court was when I was growing up? Grove of plantain trees and Tia Chila's chicken coop.
I know, I know.
Vamos, vamos, vamos, vamos, por favor.
Oh, boy.
[SIGHS.]
What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? [INHALES.]
Okay, Sam, what's wrong? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's this whole Gabi thing.
Sam, this little dance, this "I'm not sure.
I don't know.
I like her, but the kids.
I'm scared.
" [GRUNTS.]
Nobody has time for that.
If you're gonna be on this boat, then grab an oar.
"An oar.
" I'm just trying to get on your level.
White guys like boats, right? - Boats are fine.
- So, what's the problem? Okay.
I guess I thought, with Gabi's kids, I could be a fun guy that was around and made them laugh and then, completely separately, dated their mom.
But that's not possible? No, Sam.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
Like, I'm in their lives.
I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a parenting-type figure.
What do you think? I think you should talk to someone with kids.
I go to 11:00 p.
m.
movies just to avoid them.
Oh.
Hi, Sam.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, Gabi.
Cami, I just came to grab you for the meeting.
I'll see you inside.
You weren't meddling, were you? I told you, we talked it to death.
We're not broken up.
He just needs a beat to recalibrate.
"Meddling"? Me? We were talking about boats.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, okay.
Boats? - What [CHATTERING.]
[ELENA.]
Here's what Sasha and I always do when we go to the mall.
We clean out Kimmy's.
And then, of course, we model our purchases at the food court.
I'm loving that.
Okay, so what do we think about these? I'm like [GASPS.]
Elena! The mall is having a poetry contest.
"Why I love the mall.
" Let me count the ways.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should enter.
You know every store in the mall by heart.
Too bad we can't go to any besides Kimmy's.
Maybe I will enter.
Mrs.
Wexler did give me an "A" on my Sugah Boyz haiku.
[CHUCKLES.]
Still eating cookies and going to the baby store, I see.
Kimmy's is not a baby store.
It's the foremost retailer of on-trend accessories and keepsakes for Kimmy Cats of all ages.
We just went to Intimates & More and got the new Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra.
- I'm a 32B.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
They probably wouldn't even let you into Intimates & More.
It's a store for women.
Not little girls.
We're not little girls.
Yeah.
We're not.
Whatever.
Enjoy your toys.
[GASPS.]
Beware of choking hazards.
[SASHA.]
First they get their periods and now this? That's it.
Elena, I'm tired of being a little girl.
We have to go to Intimates & More.
You know the rules.
Kimmy's and food court only.
I'm about to say something scandalous right now.
But fudge the rules.
[GASPS.]
History's filled with legendary rule-breakers.
Amelia Earhart.
Rosa Parks.
[GIGGLING.]
Beyoncé.
We can't just wait for womanhood to come to us.
Sasha, you're right.
We have to go to womanhood.
We gotta go to Intimates & More.
[JOY.]
So, we've closed the Heller case and finally, new order of business.
Waveline Resorts is suing their housekeeping staff for attempting to unionize.
We have the honor of representing their custodial staff.
I'm gonna need a number two to work with me directly on this.
I'll let you know when I decide which one of you that will be.
Thanks.
[CHATTERING.]
[WHISPERS.]
I wanna be number two.
Yeah, and Joy is the top partner here.
She'd be lucky to have you.
And, you always say, you got into law to help the little guy.
Hey, Joy.
I would love to be helpful in any way that I can with the Waveline case.
And by the way, your nails look "amaze.
" Where do you go? Ooh.
Looks like you already got some competition.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
This is it.
This is the one.
- Oh, my gosh, it's a Zebra Bra! - Zebra Bra.
- Different colors! - Oh, wow.
Okay.
This one? Oh, my gosh.
Act normal.
[GIGGLES.]
- [GASPS.]
We should get shoes.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Let's do shoe - Mrs.
Wexler! Sasha.
Elena.
- Hello, Mrs.
Wexler.
- Hi, Miss Hi, Miss Wexler.
Hi.
Um Are you girls old enough to be in here alone? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
We were just leaving.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Goodbye.
- Let's go.
Hurry, take it off.
We gotta go right now.
I'm trying but there's, like, a thousand buttons on this thing.
- It's like a tiny, lacy prison.
- Come on.
Okay.
[GROANS.]
- Elena! - [ELENA SQUEALS.]
Huh.
I always thought Rookie and the Kid was about baseball.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nah.
Cops.
That's so cool.
It's a classic.
Wow.
I'm tired from standing.
Oh.
So anyway.
Hi! Good to see you again, Monyca with a Y.
Little reminder: open-door policy here at the Cañero-Reed house.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You have a lovely home.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm doing some laundry.
Bobby, do you have any tennis gear you wanna throw in here? No, Ma.
You know, I think I'm good.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
This looks like it probably needs a good washing, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
[GABI CHUCKLES.]
'Kay, bye.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Let's just be really quiet.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Charcuterie! I do love prosciutto.
Hmm.
Charcuterie.
No.
I don't want it.
- I can't believe that just happened.
- OMG, OMG, OMG.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, I can't believe Mrs.
Wexler was buying a thong.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
Do you think she wears thongs, like, every day? Huh.
I guess teachers care about panty lines, too.
[SASHA GIGGLES.]
[GASPS.]
Elena.
Look in the mirror.
- Holy crap.
- Holy crap.
We were in such a rush to leave, I must've missed one.
I stole a bra! - I've never stolen anything in my life.
- Shh! Not just any bra.
The Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra.
Come on.
We need to return it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
So, you're just gonna say to your mom, "Take me back to the mall to return a giant bra that I stole from a store that you forbade me from going to in the first place"? You're right.
She'd never trust me again.
We could lose food court privileges.
I am not going back to the days of supervised Kimmy visits.
No way.
Mm.
This never happened.
We tell no one that I committed this crime.
I swear on Simon's grave - Oh, I miss Simon.
- Oh, he was such a good dog.
to never tell a soul.
[ELENA.]
Oh, Diary.
Who had I become? In my pursuit of womanhood, I sailed clear past my destination and into the shady seas of shoplifting.
I was no woman.
I was a criminal.
[CHATTERING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Elena.
Mrs.
Wexler.
Sasha, I think she knows.
I - What? - You know.
That I stole a bra.
She's probably just embarrassed that you saw her underwear.
I'm embarrassed that we saw her underwear.
I just can't stop thinking about how I did a bad, stupid, immature thing - and I just wish I could - Elena.
No one knows, and no one will ever know.
It's over.
You gotta move on, okay? Guilt.
Crushing shame.
These are the themes of Edgar Allan Poe's haunting short story, The Tell-Tale Heart.
Come on, Elena.
The Tell-Tale Heart is not about you.
It might as well be.
I murdered my convictions.
I buried them under my bed.
- Shame! - [BELL TOLLS.]
- [BELL TOLLS.]
- Shame! Shane, you forgot your handbell in the choir room.
Shane! Elena? What's wrong? Are you okay? Nothing.
No one.
Let's go to math.
[ELENA.]
But not only was I not okay, Diary, I was going mad.
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
[BELL RINGS.]
And then Dom drives a car over the iceberg, and the missile hits the submarine instead.
And that's the plot of Fast and Furious 8.
That's such a good summary, Bobby.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Monyca, come on.
Skyler Zaxton just dropped a secret music video.
I hear there's a hoverboard.
[SIGHS.]
I'll see you later, Bobby.
Bye, Monyca with a Y.
Wait, so you and Monyca with a Y haven't made out yet? No, dude.
We want to.
We just haven't had any privacy.
You know what? We should throw a kickback.
Back in my old school, that's where all the hooking up happened.
That's genius.
Yes.
We can play Two Minute Tongue Tank.
I think I have an egg timer.
Monyca with a Y can bring her friends.
Maybe Cassie.
Or Zoe.
Or Cassie.
Or Jada.
But definitely Cassie.
I can host.
My garage is perfect.
It just got remediated for Stachybotrys chartarum.
Is that a Pokémon? Mold, man, black mold.
But all clear now and totally kickback ready.
It's dark, dank, and the storage closet is private as hell.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is it.
You're gonna make out with Monyca with a Y for sure.
Get your floss on, Bobby.
It's going down.
Yes.
Sweetie, that's awesome.
Oh, we have to celebrate.
Okay.
Love you, too.
Bye.
Tasha just got cast as Communist Number 3 in "El Sonado de Musica!" It's The Sound of Music but during the Cuban Revolution.
She is very excited about wearing a fake beard.
- I'm gonna want tickets to that.
- [CRAIG CHUCKLES.]
How many kids do you have again? Four.
Well, five if you count my husband.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, can I pick your brain about something? Trouble with Gabi? We've all seen the friendly but very awkward hellos.
We're not broken up.
I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a guy-in-her-kids-lives type figure.
- Dad guy.
- I see.
I'm more of an uncle guy.
I crush a birthday check.
Take my nephew to see Rookie and the Kid.
- Ooh, a classic.
- Classic.
I felt the same way before our kids came along.
I asked myself, "Am I cut out for this?" Exactly.
That's how I feel.
"What if I give them the wrong advice and mess them up forever? What if I make them cry? What if I drop one?" I worried about my ability to do any of it.
- But then you - But then nothing.
You just jump into the deep end, and it's a little terrifying, but you're in there with the people you love most in the world.
Honestly, you'll never know unless you jump in.
What are you doing? You have that focused look on your face you get when you WebMD your kids' symptoms.
Mm.
I'm doing a deep social media dive on Joy.
I need to find something that we can bond about so that she can pick me.
- Oh, I love a deep dive.
- Mm-hmm.
What are we working with? Uh, wine on a boat.
Wine on a beach.
- Dog on a beach.
Mm.
- [GASPS.]
Aw.
Dog with wine on the beach.
Aw, go back further.
I wanna see that dog as a puppy.
Excuse me.
I'm captaining this privacy invasion here.
- Just let me see it for a second.
- Camila, you gotta be careful! Oh, God.
You liked a photo.
[GASPS.]
I didn't like a photo.
You liked it.
Unlike it.
Unlike it.
Wait.
Can she see that I liked and then unliked the photo? Oh, like it again.
Like it again.
You should like a whole bunch of other photos to offset how weird it is that you liked her lemon ricotta pancakes from 273 weeks ago.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay, okay, good.
That's good.
Oh, no.
This is even weirder.
I'm gonna unlike everything, and I'm gonna tell her that my phone was hacked, and then she'll feel sorry for me and give me the case.
Gabi, stop.
Your index finger is a danger to yourself and others.
[THUDS.]
Since when do you floss? [SCOFFS.]
I floss.
The pink in the sink says otherwise.
[BALL BOUNCING.]
Can you give the ball back? Do you think I should give the bra back? Who said anything about a bra? What? No one.
- You just said bra.
- No, I didn't.
[STAMMERS.]
What? [WHISPERING VOICE.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
Bra-zé-Bra.
Bra-zé-Bra.
[RAVEN.]
Bra, bra! - Guilt.
- [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
- Crushing shame.
- [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
- You only have - [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
Yourself to blame.
Bra-zé-Bra.
Go back to the baby store, Elena.
This store is just for women.
- [GABI & MRS.
WEXLER.]
Nevermore.
- [SHRIEKS.]
Freeze! You're under arrest for impersonating a grown woman.
And also, the bra thing.
Right! The bra thing too.
We're taking you to jail.
Where you will steal nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
[SHRIEKS.]
[PANTING.]
[SASHA.]
The girl was, like, stuck on a rooftop, and then Skyler Zaxton flies over the city on a hoverboard, and spells out, in cloud dust: "To be continued.
" Elena.
That means there's gonna be a second video.
Are you even listening to me? [STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
I can't take it anymore.
I haven't slept.
I'm plagued by nightmares, haunted by my actions and [SIGHS.]
Being a criminal is so stressful.
How does anyone do it? Here, you need a drink.
I know we said we'd never speak of it again, but I need to tell my mom even if she arrests me.
I need to go back to the mall and rid myself of this cursed bra.
Then Godspeed.
As your BFFAESNSOTBFBU, I will always stand by your side.
Thanks, Sasha.
I'll be right back.
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Mami.
- Elenita? Everything o I stole a bra.
It was an accident, but it happened.
I'm consumed by my guilt, haunted by my actions, and I needed to confess.
Kimmy's doesn't sell bras.
I I strayed to Intimates & More.
Jessica and Melissa had the new Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra, and they were making us feel like little girls.
Are you mad that you mothered a criminal? I know you didn't mean to steal.
You don't even like it when I take lotion from hotel rooms.
It's meant to be used at the hotel.
And I understand you wanting what other girls have, but I'm disappointed you broke the rules.
I know and I'm sorry.
So, with the appropriate parental supervision, can I please go back to the mall and make things right? Please? We'll go after school.
And we'll finish this conversation since you're probably under the lunch table right now.
I am.
Thank you.
[CHATTERING.]
I love La Choy.
It'll be that sometimes, be like, we'll be missing some and have to wipe down some stuff in here because I spilled some [CHATTERING CONTINUES.]
Uh can I offer you charcuterie? You know me so well.
[DANNY.]
Uh So, what do you guys think of the place? Pretty dope, right? Yeah, 100% mold-free, no biggie.
We only had Miami's leading mold expert, Chad Billings, up in here.
He's like the Ghostbusters of mold.
- Danny, no one cares.
- Ugh, mold is gross.
I agree, Cassie.
Mold is so gross.
It's the bane of my existence, and I hate it.
Ugh.
Mold.
So, uh, who wants to play Two Minute Tongue Tank? I do.
Cassie? How 'bout we go alphabetically? Seems the most fair.
Bobby.
Right.
Uh - Monyca, do you wanna - Yes.
Oh.
[DANNY.]
Two minutes and counting.
See you on the other side, brother.
Gabi weird Q, but why were you blowing up my phone last night? Um, can we talk? Look, I'm so sorry about that.
I didn't mean to be creepy.
I guess I was just trying to learn more about you, so we could have something to bond over? I What do you mean? You and Vanessa seem to be getting along really well.
And I didn't want to be overlooked Vanessa also happens to be a very good lawyer.
Of course.
It's just that cases like Waveline are why I got into law.
When I came here from Cuba, my mom was a housekeeper.
No sick days.
No benefits.
Not once did she get a raise.
This one just hits close to home.
Anyway, I probably seem like a crazy person, but I've been doing some discovery work on the case.
This is an insane amount of work.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
But it's exactly the kinda passion I'm looking for in my number two.
Yeah.
Wait.
Are, are you offering it to me? The clients come in tomorrow morning.
Can you work through dinner tonight? Yes, of course.
Thank you.
- And that's time.
- [TIMER RINGS.]
You can stop kissing now.
[SIGHS.]
He's such a good kisser.
Who's next? - I cannot believe you did that.
- [ZIGGY.]
Oh.
[MUMBLES.]
Oh, somebody must be, like, a really good lawyer or something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SINGING.]
I must be a good lawyer.
- [SINGING.]
Or something.
- I must be a good lawyer.
- She's a good lawyer.
- I must be a good lawyer.
What am I walking into? - [GABI CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Gabi's on Waveline.
That's amazing.
Congratulations.
You're perfect for that case.
Aw, thanks, Sam.
I think so too.
[INHALES.]
But, Camila, oye, I need a favor.
Joy needs me to work late, and I just told Elena that I would take her to the mall.
Can you please be a tia and drive her for me? [SIGHS.]
I'd love to, but I promised Danielle we'd go to IKEA.
My parents are visiting, and we're buying a second bed to make it look like we're not dating.
There might be a less expensive solution to this.
Cami.
- [CAMILA.]
I - I could take Elena.
[ELENA.]
So, there I was.
At the scene of the crime with my mom's new boyfriend, Sam.
Oh, life.
Your twists and turns are a devil's game.
Okay, [SIGHS.]
here I go.
Time to face the music.
Pay the piper.
Bite the bullet and reap what I hath sown.
I'll be right here waiting for ya.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Sorry, can't do it.
Let's just go.
Maybe we can mail them a check.
Hey, uh, wait.
I thought you wanted to go in there and make things right.
At least that's what I was told.
I changed my mind.
Who do I think I am stepping foot into Intimates & More? I shop at Kimmy's.
I'm no woman.
Look, I obviously don't know much about being a woman firsthand, but I do know a few women.
I know your mom.
And let me tell ya, she is one heck of a woman.
And it's because of who she is and her character.
And not because of anything else, you know, like what she wears or what stores she goes into.
You know, it's who she is.
I guess you're right.
And you know what? I think you take after her.
- Really? - Yes.
I think you are a strong, independent Latina - Okay, that's enough.
- Yeah.
But thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Would you feel better if I went in there with you? Actually, yeah.
That'd be great.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
So [CHUCKLES.]
how was it? How was what? Dude, come on.
Your first hook up with Monyca with a Y.
Honestly, kinda awkward.
I mean, yeah, it was great.
[CHUCKLES.]
And? Um She's a really good kisser.
Yeah.
Nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
That wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
It wasn't.
We really dove into the deep end there.
You feel better now that you're not a fugitive? - Massively.
- [SAM.]
Hmm.
You know, you're right, Sam.
What I did today was pretty mature.
Well, it's true.
[CHUCKLES.]
I gotta use the bathroom.
Don't eat my cookie.
I wouldn't dare.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
How's it going, Norma Rae? [CHUCKLES.]
Great.
How's Elena? Contraband is returned, and we're back home spoiling our dinners on a cookie sampler.
You know, I think I actually helped.
Thank you.
You didn't have to do any of this.
And please, don't think that I am expecting No, Gab, I don't need any more time to think.
I'm in.
For you, for Elena, for Bobby.
I'm all in.
[ELENA.]
Diary, I was feeling pretty proud and confident and mature.
You know, like a woman.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um Sam, could I talk to my mom?
Diary, Mami and Sam were full-on together.
Maybe I could treat you to a nice dinner tonight, just the two of us? [GABI.]
Sorry about last night's surprise party of five.
You okay with that? I'm not sure.
[ELENA.]
Bobby and Monyca with a Y were getting serious.
So, I guess this means you're my girlfriend, right? Yeah.
I think so.
[ELENA.]
And Sasha and I were growing up.
At our own pace.
Hey, Jessica, do you have a tampon? So, a tampon is I know what a tampon is.
I'm premenstrual, not pre-Mesozoic.
I'm here for it Facing fears and chasing dreams Just winging it And I'm staying true to me Hello world, I wonder who I'll be No matter what I do It's all about my journey Lo puedo lograr [ELENA.]
Diary, I know I'm growing every day, but there's still a lot to be desired in the womanhood department.
Mami! Vamos, señorita.
Enough with the fashion show.
Time for school.
Almost ready.
So, Sasha's mom is going to take you guys to the mall after school, and then I'll pick you up.
Do you remember the mall rules? Stick with Sasha, don't go anywhere except Kimmy's and the food court, and if anyone creepy tries to talk to me, scream, "My mom's a lawyer!" Very good! Still no other stores? When you're old enough, we'll expand your territory.
Do you know what my food court was when I was growing up? Grove of plantain trees and Tia Chila's chicken coop.
I know, I know.
Vamos, vamos, vamos, vamos, por favor.
Oh, boy.
[SIGHS.]
What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? [INHALES.]
Okay, Sam, what's wrong? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's this whole Gabi thing.
Sam, this little dance, this "I'm not sure.
I don't know.
I like her, but the kids.
I'm scared.
" [GRUNTS.]
Nobody has time for that.
If you're gonna be on this boat, then grab an oar.
"An oar.
" I'm just trying to get on your level.
White guys like boats, right? - Boats are fine.
- So, what's the problem? Okay.
I guess I thought, with Gabi's kids, I could be a fun guy that was around and made them laugh and then, completely separately, dated their mom.
But that's not possible? No, Sam.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
Like, I'm in their lives.
I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a parenting-type figure.
What do you think? I think you should talk to someone with kids.
I go to 11:00 p.
m.
movies just to avoid them.
Oh.
Hi, Sam.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, Gabi.
Cami, I just came to grab you for the meeting.
I'll see you inside.
You weren't meddling, were you? I told you, we talked it to death.
We're not broken up.
He just needs a beat to recalibrate.
"Meddling"? Me? We were talking about boats.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, okay.
Boats? - What [CHATTERING.]
[ELENA.]
Here's what Sasha and I always do when we go to the mall.
We clean out Kimmy's.
And then, of course, we model our purchases at the food court.
I'm loving that.
Okay, so what do we think about these? I'm like [GASPS.]
Elena! The mall is having a poetry contest.
"Why I love the mall.
" Let me count the ways.
[CHUCKLES.]
You should enter.
You know every store in the mall by heart.
Too bad we can't go to any besides Kimmy's.
Maybe I will enter.
Mrs.
Wexler did give me an "A" on my Sugah Boyz haiku.
[CHUCKLES.]
Still eating cookies and going to the baby store, I see.
Kimmy's is not a baby store.
It's the foremost retailer of on-trend accessories and keepsakes for Kimmy Cats of all ages.
We just went to Intimates & More and got the new Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra.
- I'm a 32B.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
They probably wouldn't even let you into Intimates & More.
It's a store for women.
Not little girls.
We're not little girls.
Yeah.
We're not.
Whatever.
Enjoy your toys.
[GASPS.]
Beware of choking hazards.
[SASHA.]
First they get their periods and now this? That's it.
Elena, I'm tired of being a little girl.
We have to go to Intimates & More.
You know the rules.
Kimmy's and food court only.
I'm about to say something scandalous right now.
But fudge the rules.
[GASPS.]
History's filled with legendary rule-breakers.
Amelia Earhart.
Rosa Parks.
[GIGGLING.]
Beyoncé.
We can't just wait for womanhood to come to us.
Sasha, you're right.
We have to go to womanhood.
We gotta go to Intimates & More.
[JOY.]
So, we've closed the Heller case and finally, new order of business.
Waveline Resorts is suing their housekeeping staff for attempting to unionize.
We have the honor of representing their custodial staff.
I'm gonna need a number two to work with me directly on this.
I'll let you know when I decide which one of you that will be.
Thanks.
[CHATTERING.]
[WHISPERS.]
I wanna be number two.
Yeah, and Joy is the top partner here.
She'd be lucky to have you.
And, you always say, you got into law to help the little guy.
Hey, Joy.
I would love to be helpful in any way that I can with the Waveline case.
And by the way, your nails look "amaze.
" Where do you go? Ooh.
Looks like you already got some competition.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
This is it.
This is the one.
- Oh, my gosh, it's a Zebra Bra! - Zebra Bra.
- Different colors! - Oh, wow.
Okay.
This one? Oh, my gosh.
Act normal.
[GIGGLES.]
- [GASPS.]
We should get shoes.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Let's do shoe - Mrs.
Wexler! Sasha.
Elena.
- Hello, Mrs.
Wexler.
- Hi, Miss Hi, Miss Wexler.
Hi.
Um Are you girls old enough to be in here alone? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
We were just leaving.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Goodbye.
- Let's go.
Hurry, take it off.
We gotta go right now.
I'm trying but there's, like, a thousand buttons on this thing.
- It's like a tiny, lacy prison.
- Come on.
Okay.
[GROANS.]
- Elena! - [ELENA SQUEALS.]
Huh.
I always thought Rookie and the Kid was about baseball.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nah.
Cops.
That's so cool.
It's a classic.
Wow.
I'm tired from standing.
Oh.
So anyway.
Hi! Good to see you again, Monyca with a Y.
Little reminder: open-door policy here at the Cañero-Reed house.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You have a lovely home.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm doing some laundry.
Bobby, do you have any tennis gear you wanna throw in here? No, Ma.
You know, I think I'm good.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
This looks like it probably needs a good washing, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
[GABI CHUCKLES.]
'Kay, bye.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Let's just be really quiet.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Charcuterie! I do love prosciutto.
Hmm.
Charcuterie.
No.
I don't want it.
- I can't believe that just happened.
- OMG, OMG, OMG.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, I can't believe Mrs.
Wexler was buying a thong.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
Do you think she wears thongs, like, every day? Huh.
I guess teachers care about panty lines, too.
[SASHA GIGGLES.]
[GASPS.]
Elena.
Look in the mirror.
- Holy crap.
- Holy crap.
We were in such a rush to leave, I must've missed one.
I stole a bra! - I've never stolen anything in my life.
- Shh! Not just any bra.
The Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra.
Come on.
We need to return it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
So, you're just gonna say to your mom, "Take me back to the mall to return a giant bra that I stole from a store that you forbade me from going to in the first place"? You're right.
She'd never trust me again.
We could lose food court privileges.
I am not going back to the days of supervised Kimmy visits.
No way.
Mm.
This never happened.
We tell no one that I committed this crime.
I swear on Simon's grave - Oh, I miss Simon.
- Oh, he was such a good dog.
to never tell a soul.
[ELENA.]
Oh, Diary.
Who had I become? In my pursuit of womanhood, I sailed clear past my destination and into the shady seas of shoplifting.
I was no woman.
I was a criminal.
[CHATTERING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Elena.
Mrs.
Wexler.
Sasha, I think she knows.
I - What? - You know.
That I stole a bra.
She's probably just embarrassed that you saw her underwear.
I'm embarrassed that we saw her underwear.
I just can't stop thinking about how I did a bad, stupid, immature thing - and I just wish I could - Elena.
No one knows, and no one will ever know.
It's over.
You gotta move on, okay? Guilt.
Crushing shame.
These are the themes of Edgar Allan Poe's haunting short story, The Tell-Tale Heart.
Come on, Elena.
The Tell-Tale Heart is not about you.
It might as well be.
I murdered my convictions.
I buried them under my bed.
- Shame! - [BELL TOLLS.]
- [BELL TOLLS.]
- Shame! Shane, you forgot your handbell in the choir room.
Shane! Elena? What's wrong? Are you okay? Nothing.
No one.
Let's go to math.
[ELENA.]
But not only was I not okay, Diary, I was going mad.
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
[BELL RINGS.]
And then Dom drives a car over the iceberg, and the missile hits the submarine instead.
And that's the plot of Fast and Furious 8.
That's such a good summary, Bobby.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Monyca, come on.
Skyler Zaxton just dropped a secret music video.
I hear there's a hoverboard.
[SIGHS.]
I'll see you later, Bobby.
Bye, Monyca with a Y.
Wait, so you and Monyca with a Y haven't made out yet? No, dude.
We want to.
We just haven't had any privacy.
You know what? We should throw a kickback.
Back in my old school, that's where all the hooking up happened.
That's genius.
Yes.
We can play Two Minute Tongue Tank.
I think I have an egg timer.
Monyca with a Y can bring her friends.
Maybe Cassie.
Or Zoe.
Or Cassie.
Or Jada.
But definitely Cassie.
I can host.
My garage is perfect.
It just got remediated for Stachybotrys chartarum.
Is that a Pokémon? Mold, man, black mold.
But all clear now and totally kickback ready.
It's dark, dank, and the storage closet is private as hell.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is it.
You're gonna make out with Monyca with a Y for sure.
Get your floss on, Bobby.
It's going down.
Yes.
Sweetie, that's awesome.
Oh, we have to celebrate.
Okay.
Love you, too.
Bye.
Tasha just got cast as Communist Number 3 in "El Sonado de Musica!" It's The Sound of Music but during the Cuban Revolution.
She is very excited about wearing a fake beard.
- I'm gonna want tickets to that.
- [CRAIG CHUCKLES.]
How many kids do you have again? Four.
Well, five if you count my husband.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, can I pick your brain about something? Trouble with Gabi? We've all seen the friendly but very awkward hellos.
We're not broken up.
I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a guy-in-her-kids-lives type figure.
- Dad guy.
- I see.
I'm more of an uncle guy.
I crush a birthday check.
Take my nephew to see Rookie and the Kid.
- Ooh, a classic.
- Classic.
I felt the same way before our kids came along.
I asked myself, "Am I cut out for this?" Exactly.
That's how I feel.
"What if I give them the wrong advice and mess them up forever? What if I make them cry? What if I drop one?" I worried about my ability to do any of it.
- But then you - But then nothing.
You just jump into the deep end, and it's a little terrifying, but you're in there with the people you love most in the world.
Honestly, you'll never know unless you jump in.
What are you doing? You have that focused look on your face you get when you WebMD your kids' symptoms.
Mm.
I'm doing a deep social media dive on Joy.
I need to find something that we can bond about so that she can pick me.
- Oh, I love a deep dive.
- Mm-hmm.
What are we working with? Uh, wine on a boat.
Wine on a beach.
- Dog on a beach.
Mm.
- [GASPS.]
Aw.
Dog with wine on the beach.
Aw, go back further.
I wanna see that dog as a puppy.
Excuse me.
I'm captaining this privacy invasion here.
- Just let me see it for a second.
- Camila, you gotta be careful! Oh, God.
You liked a photo.
[GASPS.]
I didn't like a photo.
You liked it.
Unlike it.
Unlike it.
Wait.
Can she see that I liked and then unliked the photo? Oh, like it again.
Like it again.
You should like a whole bunch of other photos to offset how weird it is that you liked her lemon ricotta pancakes from 273 weeks ago.
[WHISPERS.]
Okay, okay, good.
That's good.
Oh, no.
This is even weirder.
I'm gonna unlike everything, and I'm gonna tell her that my phone was hacked, and then she'll feel sorry for me and give me the case.
Gabi, stop.
Your index finger is a danger to yourself and others.
[THUDS.]
Since when do you floss? [SCOFFS.]
I floss.
The pink in the sink says otherwise.
[BALL BOUNCING.]
Can you give the ball back? Do you think I should give the bra back? Who said anything about a bra? What? No one.
- You just said bra.
- No, I didn't.
[STAMMERS.]
What? [WHISPERING VOICE.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
Bra-zé-Bra.
Bra-zé-Bra.
[RAVEN.]
Bra, bra! - Guilt.
- [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
- Crushing shame.
- [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
- You only have - [CHORUS.]
Bra-zé-Bra.
Yourself to blame.
Bra-zé-Bra.
Go back to the baby store, Elena.
This store is just for women.
- [GABI & MRS.
WEXLER.]
Nevermore.
- [SHRIEKS.]
Freeze! You're under arrest for impersonating a grown woman.
And also, the bra thing.
Right! The bra thing too.
We're taking you to jail.
Where you will steal nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
- Nevermore.
Nevermore.
[SHRIEKS.]
[PANTING.]
[SASHA.]
The girl was, like, stuck on a rooftop, and then Skyler Zaxton flies over the city on a hoverboard, and spells out, in cloud dust: "To be continued.
" Elena.
That means there's gonna be a second video.
Are you even listening to me? [STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
I can't take it anymore.
I haven't slept.
I'm plagued by nightmares, haunted by my actions and [SIGHS.]
Being a criminal is so stressful.
How does anyone do it? Here, you need a drink.
I know we said we'd never speak of it again, but I need to tell my mom even if she arrests me.
I need to go back to the mall and rid myself of this cursed bra.
Then Godspeed.
As your BFFAESNSOTBFBU, I will always stand by your side.
Thanks, Sasha.
I'll be right back.
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Mami.
- Elenita? Everything o I stole a bra.
It was an accident, but it happened.
I'm consumed by my guilt, haunted by my actions, and I needed to confess.
Kimmy's doesn't sell bras.
I I strayed to Intimates & More.
Jessica and Melissa had the new Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra, and they were making us feel like little girls.
Are you mad that you mothered a criminal? I know you didn't mean to steal.
You don't even like it when I take lotion from hotel rooms.
It's meant to be used at the hotel.
And I understand you wanting what other girls have, but I'm disappointed you broke the rules.
I know and I'm sorry.
So, with the appropriate parental supervision, can I please go back to the mall and make things right? Please? We'll go after school.
And we'll finish this conversation since you're probably under the lunch table right now.
I am.
Thank you.
[CHATTERING.]
I love La Choy.
It'll be that sometimes, be like, we'll be missing some and have to wipe down some stuff in here because I spilled some [CHATTERING CONTINUES.]
Uh can I offer you charcuterie? You know me so well.
[DANNY.]
Uh So, what do you guys think of the place? Pretty dope, right? Yeah, 100% mold-free, no biggie.
We only had Miami's leading mold expert, Chad Billings, up in here.
He's like the Ghostbusters of mold.
- Danny, no one cares.
- Ugh, mold is gross.
I agree, Cassie.
Mold is so gross.
It's the bane of my existence, and I hate it.
Ugh.
Mold.
So, uh, who wants to play Two Minute Tongue Tank? I do.
Cassie? How 'bout we go alphabetically? Seems the most fair.
Bobby.
Right.
Uh - Monyca, do you wanna - Yes.
Oh.
[DANNY.]
Two minutes and counting.
See you on the other side, brother.
Gabi weird Q, but why were you blowing up my phone last night? Um, can we talk? Look, I'm so sorry about that.
I didn't mean to be creepy.
I guess I was just trying to learn more about you, so we could have something to bond over? I What do you mean? You and Vanessa seem to be getting along really well.
And I didn't want to be overlooked Vanessa also happens to be a very good lawyer.
Of course.
It's just that cases like Waveline are why I got into law.
When I came here from Cuba, my mom was a housekeeper.
No sick days.
No benefits.
Not once did she get a raise.
This one just hits close to home.
Anyway, I probably seem like a crazy person, but I've been doing some discovery work on the case.
This is an insane amount of work.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
But it's exactly the kinda passion I'm looking for in my number two.
Yeah.
Wait.
Are, are you offering it to me? The clients come in tomorrow morning.
Can you work through dinner tonight? Yes, of course.
Thank you.
- And that's time.
- [TIMER RINGS.]
You can stop kissing now.
[SIGHS.]
He's such a good kisser.
Who's next? - I cannot believe you did that.
- [ZIGGY.]
Oh.
[MUMBLES.]
Oh, somebody must be, like, a really good lawyer or something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SINGING.]
I must be a good lawyer.
- [SINGING.]
Or something.
- I must be a good lawyer.
- She's a good lawyer.
- I must be a good lawyer.
What am I walking into? - [GABI CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Gabi's on Waveline.
That's amazing.
Congratulations.
You're perfect for that case.
Aw, thanks, Sam.
I think so too.
[INHALES.]
But, Camila, oye, I need a favor.
Joy needs me to work late, and I just told Elena that I would take her to the mall.
Can you please be a tia and drive her for me? [SIGHS.]
I'd love to, but I promised Danielle we'd go to IKEA.
My parents are visiting, and we're buying a second bed to make it look like we're not dating.
There might be a less expensive solution to this.
Cami.
- [CAMILA.]
I - I could take Elena.
[ELENA.]
So, there I was.
At the scene of the crime with my mom's new boyfriend, Sam.
Oh, life.
Your twists and turns are a devil's game.
Okay, [SIGHS.]
here I go.
Time to face the music.
Pay the piper.
Bite the bullet and reap what I hath sown.
I'll be right here waiting for ya.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Sorry, can't do it.
Let's just go.
Maybe we can mail them a check.
Hey, uh, wait.
I thought you wanted to go in there and make things right.
At least that's what I was told.
I changed my mind.
Who do I think I am stepping foot into Intimates & More? I shop at Kimmy's.
I'm no woman.
Look, I obviously don't know much about being a woman firsthand, but I do know a few women.
I know your mom.
And let me tell ya, she is one heck of a woman.
And it's because of who she is and her character.
And not because of anything else, you know, like what she wears or what stores she goes into.
You know, it's who she is.
I guess you're right.
And you know what? I think you take after her.
- Really? - Yes.
I think you are a strong, independent Latina - Okay, that's enough.
- Yeah.
But thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Would you feel better if I went in there with you? Actually, yeah.
That'd be great.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
So [CHUCKLES.]
how was it? How was what? Dude, come on.
Your first hook up with Monyca with a Y.
Honestly, kinda awkward.
I mean, yeah, it was great.
[CHUCKLES.]
And? Um She's a really good kisser.
Yeah.
Nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
That wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
It wasn't.
We really dove into the deep end there.
You feel better now that you're not a fugitive? - Massively.
- [SAM.]
Hmm.
You know, you're right, Sam.
What I did today was pretty mature.
Well, it's true.
[CHUCKLES.]
I gotta use the bathroom.
Don't eat my cookie.
I wouldn't dare.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
How's it going, Norma Rae? [CHUCKLES.]
Great.
How's Elena? Contraband is returned, and we're back home spoiling our dinners on a cookie sampler.
You know, I think I actually helped.
Thank you.
You didn't have to do any of this.
And please, don't think that I am expecting No, Gab, I don't need any more time to think.
I'm in.
For you, for Elena, for Bobby.
I'm all in.
[ELENA.]
Diary, I was feeling pretty proud and confident and mature.
You know, like a woman.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um Sam, could I talk to my mom?