Dicktown (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

The Mystery of the President's Physician

1 Boy, Richardsville sure has changed.
Remember when our fanciest restaurant was Dr.
Giuseppe's Meatball Hospital? Look at us now.
This isn't even Richardsville, Dad.
Sure, it is.
It's New Downtown.
It's not even in the same county.
New Downtown is just offices for bankers in the middle of old tobacco fields.
You're just being disagreeable.
No, I'm not.
I read this is what it's like in Brooklyn.
Have you ever been to Brooklyn? No.
Well, who needs Brooklyn when you can get authentic, Brooklyn-style barbecue right here in North Carolina? Hello again, Jen.
Say, do you know my son, John? Oh, of course.
He solves crimes for teenagers.
I work at the Lunch Hut.
He's in there every day.
Oh, yes, of course.
Uh, I remember you, yes.
I bet you do.
You got the lamb burger.
Did it turn out the way you wanted? Yes, it did.
Thank you, Jen.
Oh, good.
But, Jen, he's running low on that patchouli.
Aioli, Dad.
And it's fine, I don't No, let's get him another little cup of aioli for his fries, okay, Jen? More of our famous aioli coming right up.
I think she's pregnant.
Mm, keen eye, Dad.
So I have some news.
Remember how the latch on my front gate was squeaky? You've mentioned it a few times.
Well, I decided to fix it.
Pardon my reach.
Here's your aioli.
Thanks, Jen.
Say, we were just talking about how you're pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Your folks must be excited.
- I wish.
- Oh, no.
- What's the issue? - Dad.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Have you ever dated someone your parents didn't like? Oh, he's never dated anyone.
I have.
I've totally dated someone.
When I got pregnant, my folks said I had to move out when the baby was born because they didn't like the father.
So the clock is ticking.
I work at Mr.
Moisley's Lunch Hut, as you know.
Of course I know that.
But it's not enough, so I've been working here, too, trying to save enough money to move to Ottawa.
Ottawa? That's exotic.
They've got a super-duper neonatal health care system.
And before you ask, "Where's the father?" He died in a boating accident in Pamlico Sound.
Yikes, that was a bit of a purse dump.
- I'm really sorry.
- Nonsense.
Hang in there, Jen.
You work at a fancy restaurant in New Downtown.
The world is your oyster.
Aww, bless your heart.
Enjoy your aioli.
- Nice gal.
- Uh-huh.
She seems sad.
Anyway, I found the exact same latch for my gate and installed it.
What? What's going on? And so my gate is smooth and quiet now.
Excuse me, Dad.
Where you going, bud? Where is it? It was just here.
- What are you looking for? - My favorite ring.
I'm sorry, who are you? I'm John Hunchman, private investigator.
I'm Emma Bauers.
This is my fiancé, Loafer Toeknuckle.
He's an investor in this restaurant.
Loafer Toeknuckle.
As in son of Gary Toeknuckle, founder of First Toeknuckle Financial in Charlotte? Dad.
Your dad is a legend.
Mike Hunchman, Richardsville Savings and Loan, retired.
Listen, I can't have thieves running wild in my restaurants.
It'll kill my Yelp rating and my SEO.
Right, so you wouldn't want the police here, just a private investigator.
John Hunchman, private investigator.
The ring's important to me.
It has cleansing energy.
If you find it, I'll pay you $500.
Well, no problem.
Nobody leave.
I'll be right back.
I have to leave.
Butt Cheeks Incorporated, how may I help you? It's John.
What are you doing? I'm sippin' and grippin', bruh.
What? I'm sippin' and grippin'.
Ugh, well, I'm at the President's Physician.
Oh, my God.
You pretentious dick.
Just how soon can you get here? I got us a case.
- Working for a grown-up.
- Seriously? Yes, they'll pay us $500.
- Okay, give me five minutes.
- Great.
To finish up with my little thing here.
And then another ten to drive over.
- No.
- And I'll be there.
Please hurry, David.
Here's a photo, if that helps.
Oh, wow.
"Day six of my paleo cleanse.
"Date night with Loafer getting my bling on.
ThugLife, Blessed, NewDowntown.
" I'm a personal branding consultant, so my sosh is everything.
Well, I get it.
I'm active on Goodreads.
But this is a lot of rings.
Which one is missing? This one.
Sapphire and diamonds.
These folks don't need to know, but it's a $20,000 ring.
Oh, sorry.
- I found it! - Where? Dagnabbit, false alarm.
Admit it, you stole the ring.
You're poor.
That's a motive.
Come on, man.
I just got here.
Wait, wait.
Before we jump to any conclusions, why don't we just look around for a second? Good thinking, bud.
Stop being wishy-washy.
Everyone who works here, get down on your knees and crawl around on the floor! This is not optional.
I expect total compliance.
God damn, it sounds fun in here.
Hey, I came as soon as I could.
Guys, this is my associate I came just as soon as I could.
Okay, I I get it.
This is David Purefoy.
David, this is Emma Bauers.
Her ring is missing.
That's Loafer Toeknuckle as in the son of Gary Toeknuckle.
And he's an investor in this restaurant.
And, uh, why is Jen, who's, like, a thousand months pregnant, crawling around on the fucking floor? Uh, she works for me? She's looking for Emma's ring.
Dude, seriously? It's my favorite ring.
It has cleansing energy.
What, like an enema? Exactly like that.
Has anyone looked up her butt? You making fun of my girl's ring, bro? 'Cause I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare.
Homie, you are my worst nightmare.
You smell like garlic and mayonnaise.
It's called aioli.
We're kind of famous for it.
David, can I talk to you for a minute, please? Why are you acting so weird? Why are you helping these New Downtown douchebags? Because they're grown-ups.
How long have we talked about getting grown-up clients? I don't know, man.
I don't think it's worth it.
Well, if we find this ring, she'll give us $500.
And she'll refer us to her adult friends in New Downtown.
So basically, you're selling out.
Just because I want to stop working for children, that's selling out? Yeah, man.
I mean, what about your dignity? Dignity.
David, you live with your parents.
I'm not ashamed of wanting to grow up.
Who knows? Maybe I'll actually leave this piece of shit town.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
And maybe I can start fresh.
- Maybe with Heather.
- Yeah, right.
- Keep dreaming, come on.
- Oh, well, thanks a lot, David.
Face it, we're both stuck here.
Finding this ring is a way out.
If I find the ring, I'm flushing it down the fucking toilet.
Okay, good news.
We're going to employ two separate search strategies, and that will double our chances of returning your ring to you.
Actually, it will not.
Now she's refusing to help because she's "pregnant.
" - I am pregnant, and I did help.
- Not enough! Jen, pack your bags and go.
You're fired.
- What? - Whoa, what? I think that's a mistake both morally and legally.
Oh, really? Uh, what do you know about running a successful business? Well, I've had my own investiga And how much do you even make? - Do you mean in in money? - Uh, duh.
What else is worth making? I make pee-pee and poo-poo sometimes.
See, this is why the President's Physician is in New Downtown, because New Downtown is for winners and innovators.
Face it, you are betas trying to make it in an alpha world.
Uh, but if I find the ring, you'll still refer me to some of your grown-up friends, right? Okay, that's it.
I'm not helping this aioli-smelling motherfucker for one more second.
Oh, and by the way, before I leave, those light bulbs are goddamn ridiculous and those french fries are too greasy, even for me.
That's my Yelp review.
Zero stars on deez nuts.
Wait a minute, that's it.
And those french fries are too greasy even for me.
It's called aioli.
Miss Bauers, I have one question for you.
Did you eat any of Loafer's french fries tonight? Of course she didn't.
I put her on a paleo cleanse.
Sorry, babe.
I've been bad.
I knew you had a fat person in you.
Thank you.
Jen, where's Loafer Toeknuckle's aioli? It's already been uploaded back into the cloud.
What does that mean? Loafer has us dump leftovers back in the vat.
That is profoundly unhygienic.
He calls it "condiment cloud storage.
" He says he's a disruptor.
Jen, close your eyes.
I'm going in.
It was simple, really.
Emma was on a paleo cleanse, which would've withered her fingers to sticks.
Couple that with the greasy fries and you've got a recipe for a classic ring slide-off.
Bloop into the aioli ramekin and back into the vat.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, because you sold out for some New Downtown assholes Mm-hmm? And you got a pregnant lady fired, and your arm smells.
Well, what did they say when you returned the ring? I didn't.
I thought you said it was in the vat.
I'm sure it was in the vat, but I didn't find it.
Okay, now I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
What? However, I did suggest Jen search the vat while I called the health inspector to get that place shut down.
- Whoa.
- So who's the alpha now? Damn, respect.
So did Jen find it? I'm really not sure.
- Was Loafer Cockknuckle pissed? - Yes.
Did that bring you immense joy? Well, that would be unprofessional to say, but yes It really made me happy.
That guy sucked hard.
David, to justice.
John, to sippin' and grippin'.
You know what? I'll go along with that to the cleansing energy of sippin' and grippin'.
Damn, you're a pervert! - Here, smell my arm.
- No, ugh! - Smell my aioli arm, smell it! - No, stop! - Seriously, stop bullying me.
- Smell it, David! - I don't like this.
- I'm the alpha male now.
This is not natural.

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