Dicktown (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

The Mystery of the Missing Pimento Cheese Recipe

1 Down in Carolina where the kudzu grows They're solving mysteries, and they're being bros Pedal to the metal, the ultimate high No second chances 'cause it's do-or-die In Dicktown, yeah It's going down You better shape up when they come around Put the two together, you get number one 'Cause they're interesting, cool, and fun Now dig it.
Rattle, rattle, shakin' the cage Hometown heroes for a modern age Put your cards on the table They've already won 'Cause they're interesting, cool, and fun I'm telling you, Dana, these two jokers are cool.
They're perfect for Channel 57 News.
Uh, Taggy, we have never fought ninjas.
Guys, look, come on, you got to put your intention into the universe.
You must conceive the dream to achieve the dream, roar.
Uh, okay, look, "Early Evening Magazine" loves profiling local businesses, - but where's the human interest? - You kidding me? These guys are so human, it's pathetic.
- Hey.
- Used to be they worked exclusively for teenagers.
They hired me to find more grown-up clients.
"Works for teenagers" was a better angle.
- Can't you do that again? - Uh, no.
I've been doing that my whole life.
- It's time to move on.
- Wait.
You're John Hunchman, Boy Detective! - Didn't I profile you, like, 20 years ago? - Oh, yes, that's true.
I-I didn't think you'd remember that.
Oh, no, you were a big deal.
What happened to you? Uh, well, I-I've done a lot of work since then.
All right, here's the pitch: I've lined the guys up - with an incredible case.
- Okay.
What is it? The mystery of the missing pimento cheese recipe.
Someone's stolen the Lunch Hut's - famous pimento cheese rec - Wait, what? - I love that cheese! - Everyone does.
It's an institution.
A boy detective who wants to grow up plus cheese.
Oh, this could be big.
Donnie, bring the van around.
We have a regional news award to win.
- Whoo! - The Chief does it again.
I mean, Dana Singh, man! This is Dicktown Early Evening.
We're gonna be so freaking famous! Dana Singh is a star-maker in this town.
Remember when she profiled that rooster that could do Sudoku? [Speaking with British accent.]
Rooster Cockburn, the Cockney rooster of Piedmont, North Carolina! I forgot that rooster had an accent.
Uh, hello! Don't forget the robot! - That's a toy, Taggy.
- Yeah, whatever.
Beep-boop, just remember to look cool for Dana Singh.
[exciting music.]
I feel so dang stupid.
Just before he passed, my dad, Mr.
Moistly Sr.
, wrote out his secret recipe for me, one copy, always in my wallet.
I even laminated it.
You have to when you're working with that much mayo, but then it disappeared.
Well, tell me what happened.
I'll travel to the scene of the crime in my mind palace.
- Whoa! Your what? - My mind palace, David.
Oh, right, your mind palace! Of course, the very cool thing you always do.
Shh, shh, shh, I'm trying to concentrate.
Here we go.
[trippy string music.]
Well, what happened was, I was here at the Lunch Hut after close having a slice of peach pie and trying to solve a real pernicious word jumble - Okay.
Who else was there? - Uh, nobody.
My wallet always bunches up in my pants when I sit, hurts my groin, you know.
So I put the wallet on the table, and when I got in the next morning, it was gone.
That's it? You made me go into my mind palace for a left-behind wallet? - Yes, sir.
- For real? All right.
Oh, by the way, the word you were looking for, "cushion.
" - [gasps.]
- How do you know - you didn't just lose your wallet? - Well, someone texted me a blurry picture of the recipe.
Now, I offered them $100 for it, but they they didn't write back.
Well, you must have made that pimento cheese a million times.
Don't you remember the recipe? I've been trying to, but taste this.
- It tastes fine.
- Oh! Pff! No! Pff! Get this out of my mouth! - Is this Hellman's Mayonnaise? - Yes, it is.
- Ugh! - I forgot which mayo to use! Duke's Mayo, man! Duke's! Come on, man, get your head in the game! Ugh, no.
This is why I need that recipe back.
What if it gets sold on the dark web? - I'll be ruined! - Don't worry, you're in good hands.
Correct that: You're in cool hands.
Promise me you won't use this? [jazzy music.]
So, David, what does being a private investigator mean to you? Oh, Dana Singh, that is such a good question.
You know, a wise woman once said, "Achieving excellence is the first step - to achieving true excellence!" - Uh, what's with the voice? Oh, that's my homage to Dr.
Marjorie Frost.
She's a tenured professor who I found on YouTube.
She's changed my life.
She wrote this book right here [grunts.]
"Unleashing the Pterodactyl Within: "13 Rules for Getting What You Want and Flying Away with It.
" I mean, this book is central to Operation Grow Up.
Oh, God, did he really mention Operation Grow Up? Last year, John and I realized we never really grew up.
Like, I'm still living in my parents' basement.
John was still working for teenagers, which is maybe illegal.
We're not sure.
So David and I set some new life goals.
My goal: to make a lot of money and move out of my parents' basement.
John's goal: stop working for teenagers and get his first real human girlfriend.
No, no, I've had plenty of human girlfriends.
Oh, no, no, no, no, John never had a girlfriend.
It used to confuse me until I read an article about people who are asexual.
Wowie Magowie! I finally had a word to describe my son! But when I sent him the clipping, he says, "No, Dad, you're wrong.
" - I worry about him.
- I am sexual, just infrequently and for short periods of time.
- [sighs.]
There was one person, though.
- Hey, John's my friend.
I'm not gonna talk behind his back.
He said he gave you, quote, "right of first refusal" on his, quote, "offer of a romantic relationship.
" Oh, he told you that? Ugh.
Yeah, I love that guy, but that was never gonna happen.
Yeah, she was, uh, the first to refuse.
Several have refused since.
I will not give up, though.
[dramatic rock music.]
- Is that for tonight's stakeout? - This? No.
This is for a party.
I'm just renting them walkie-talkies for tonight.
So do you think John and David - will succeed at Operation Grow Up? - [laughs.]
Hell, yes, it will succeed! Here's the thing about growing up: even a baby can do it.
I'm giving myself five weeks to become a fully mature, masculine life warrior, and you know what? Eff it, I'll probably get it done in four weeks.
It's easy.
If you just follow the clues, - you always get it right.
- You were such a star then.
Does it hurt to think about those days now? I don't really think about the past.
I'm moving forward.
- So that's a yes? - Erm, if you don't mind, I have a pimento cheese mystery to solve.
We're here, and it's go-time.
So, John, tell us what's happening.
You see, this case is personal.
Only someone who knew Mr.
Moistly would know he can't make the pimento cheese by memory.
So I asked Mr.
Moistly if he'd fired anyone lately, and he had: his nephew Doug, a total asshole who everyone agrees is a jerk.
So that brings us here on this precarious rooftop, - the night air thick with danger.
- Uh, Okay.
Yes, we called Doug and claimed to be from "Bon Appétit" Magazine, offering $10,000 for the recipe with the promise to publish it and ruin the Lunch Hut forever.
"Bon Appétit" does play rough.
Doug took the bait, and now we wait.
- David, are you in position? Over.
- In position.
Shoving arm cocked and ready to rock.
Copy that.
Over and out.
Man, walkie-talkies are the coolest invention ever.
Oh, wait, someone's coming.
- You the man from, uh, "Bon Appetit"? - Yes, friend.
I am the editor of the famous food magazine.
Here is my money.
Uh, please show me the recipe now.
Well, prove you're the editor.
- Uh, how? - Name some foods, - some fancy foods.
- Oh, I know, uh, many fancy foods, such as fancy salads, rib eye steak with garlic mashed potatoes prepared in the fancy manner - Don't overdo it.
- And chocolate-covered raisins, but the raisins are very fancy diamonds.
[tense music.]
Damn, you know your shit.
[tense music.]
Money first.
- No, no, no, no, recipe first.
- Hell no! [chuckles.]
What are you gonna do, magazine man, shove me? Your subscription is canceled! No, wait.
Your ass-kicking has been renewed.
That's the one.
That's better.
Get back up.
I'm gonna do it again.
We're gonna do it again.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Another case closed! Dude, we rocked that.
That was awesome.
Yeah, I-I don't know.
I mean, did we look cool? - Uh, yeah.
- At the end of the day, we're just - shoving a guy in a parking lot for cheese.
- No, no.
Dana Singh loved it, and more important, man, we saved the Lunch Hut! We are gonna be local TV famous.
We probably will get more grown-up clients.
- That's true.
- That's right, we will! Beep.
- What? - Beep.
Why are you making that noise? What is that noise? That's the money truck backing up into our lives - to dump a bunch of money on us.
- I mean, here's the thing.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but, like, what if there had been ninjas? That would've been cool.
What if there had been a cool car chase? [engine revving.]
Whoa, what the fuck? - What the hell is that? - I believe that is a Polaris Slingshot, - model year 2015.
- Is it a car or a motorcycle? Well, that depends on the state in which it's registered, but why but why is he pointing at us? [engine revving.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, David, what are you doing? By the power of Dr.
Marjorie Frost, I'm commanding this dream to come true! No, no, no, no, ah.
Ah! Ah! [grunts.]
[air hissing.]
- Whoa! - Ah! Oh, God.
Are we gonna have to buy some weird expensive jam? Well, look who it is: John Hunchman, Boy Detective.
Good evening.
- You've heard of me? - Oh, yes.
Yes, sir, I have.
Fucking bees, bro? - Bees? Why? - Bees! Bees! Bees! - Ah! - Bees! Bees! Bees! [laughing.]

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