Dicktown (2020) s02e02 Episode Script

I have to say, Kendra, I'm surprised you swiped on my profile.
- Why is that? - Well, the last time we saw each other, you placed a berserker revenging spell on my anus.
How do you know I wasn't flirting? So tell me about the bees.
Wait, wait, wait, how do you know about the bees? I'm a psychic, remember? Somebody threw a jar of bees at you, it's obvious.
- Bees! - Yeah, I don't know who this guy is.
He says, "I know what I did," but I really don't.
I've racked my brain trying to remember.
- You could try hypnosis.
- Hypnosis, ha.
- That's pseudoscience.
- Bop.
And welcome back.
Did you just hypnotize me? - I sure did.
- Oh.
Well, what did you learn? Well, whatever you did, you don't remember.
I searched your entire mind palace.
Wait a minute.
You were in my mind palace? Oh, yes, I was.
I liked the room filled with "Doctor Who" trivia.
Oh, pretty cool, right? There's something dorkily sexy about that.
But, no, this would never work.
- Wait, why not? - Because you're doomed.
I'm what? I sense dark forces massing on the horizon.
John Hunchman, you are doomed.
Then Kendra said she had to escape my dark fate aura - before it infected her inner eye.
- Oh, I'm sorry, man.
That sucks when they say stuff like that.
Damn! This house is amazing! Look at this sick house! What's the case? What are we doing here? - Well, Taggy gave me a file.
- Wassup, Taggy's angels? - Hey, Taggy! - No.
- So we just - No.
It's not a phone, it's not a phone, it's an 8-track.
Y'all ready for your next case? Alright, here we go.
Your clients are Marco and Miriam Sather.
Now he's a consultant/entrepreneur, she's an entrepreneur/consultant.
Now they would seem to have the perfect life, and they do! No kids, lots of sex, and tons of money.
This is the life I want.
That is until Marco dumped their nest egg into some weird-ass island I never heard of.
Now they got nothing.
Your job, get their money back.
"Mammal Island" isn't an actual island, - it's a video game.
- We're addicted to it.
Yeah, we're almost as well-known in there - as we are in Richardsville.
- But we'll lose everything if you can't find our golden parsnip.
A golden parsnip? - It's easier to show you.
- Hmm.
Welcome to Mammal Island! - Okay, wait, why am I a skunk? - The game assigns an animal based on your social media profile.
Whoa, whoa, what the hell is that? - Is that a bad guy? - David, it's me.
I'm an axolotl.
- Oh.
- It's a large pale salamander who lives alone in darkened lakes.
Okay, that tracks.
There are no bad guys on Mammal Island, just a bunch of new friends from all over the world, living in harmony as equals.
So all these animals that we're looking at are actual people out in the real world? Yes, of course, David, it's an MMORPG a massive multiplayer online role-playing game.
I got to say, I'm kind of into this.
Welcome to our humble abode.
This abode is even sicker than your actual abode.
Yeah, we worked hard for it.
We grow parsnips to sell to Paul Platypus in exchange for Mammalbux.
Mammalbux, that must be the in-game currency? Yeah.
You use Mammalbux to buy seed to grow more parsnips.
And Paul Platypus, is that the AI who controls this game's economy? Yes, but he's also our cute platypus friend.
All right, here's the deal, every now and then, you grow a rare golden parsnip.
It's worth 500 times a regular parsnip, but to get it, you have to buy a lot of seed.
So Miriam and I, we invested our whole retirement fund into buying seeds.
Whoa, your real retirement fund? Real money? I'll admit it was risky, but it paid off.
We grew a golden parsnip! - Yes, you're a boss.
- Yeah, sell that to Paul Platypus at peak parsnip price, we're looking at a return of 250%.
But someone stole the parsnip from our house, and if we don't sell it by Friday, it will rot.
Understood.
So who had access to your abode? No one we upgraded to the Mammal Island Platinum Platypus Security service.
- Uh, Miriam, we have that brunch.
- Yeah.
We got to go.
Here's the guest key, feel free to poke around and investigate.
Ooh, I can't wait to look around in this house.
This is the kind of place I'm going to get when we're done with Operation Grow Up.
- Access denied.
- What? Huh? Ow! - Ah! - Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh.
No, wait, ow! My elbow! My little elbow, I'm a little skunk! Oh, those platypuses do not fuck around.
That's okay, Paul Platypus.
Wait, a lean-to? Shovel.
Whoa, I owe you 49,000 fucking Mammalbux? I thought this stuff was a gift.
Oh yeah, what if I don't feel like paying, Paul? David, David, I checked out the house's perimeter.
It's secure, but did you know that Marco and Miriam have an infinity pool? - And David, they have a hedge maze.
- I don't give two flying fat fucks about a hedge maze right now.
- Look at my piece of shit lean-turd.
- Yeah, that's no good.
I'm basically an indentured servant in this game.
Hi, islanders.
I'm Annie Otter.
Do you want to dig rocks with me? Uh, no, thank you, Annie.
I'm gonna get into that parsnip market like Marco.
That's how I'm gonna make money.
Oh, I'm gonna do that too, once I pay off my student loans.
I got a degree in Mammal Island philosophy, but there's a hiring freeze at MIU, so Annie, we're trying to find the missing golden parsnip.
Oh, I heard about that.
It's a shame.
Marco and Miriam are so cool.
- Hmm? - That's June Raccoon.
- She's a little grumpy.
- Mm - Hi, Annie! - Guys, this is Nina Bumblebee.
- Hi.
- She sells the best tulips on the island.
Hello, Nina.
I noticed you have wings.
Can you by any chance fly? - Oh, not really.
- Hmm.
- Ahoy there! - Orville, you got a hang glider! - Good catch today, enjoy.
- This fucking game.
I can sell this fish to pay down my student loans.
Mm-hmm.
David, let's take a break.
So apparently hang gliders are new to the game, part of the recent upgrade.
And there's speculation, David, that they can be used to fly over walls.
Man, they have a whole section of their fridge just for sushi like what I have for batteries.
I can't search Orville the Ostrich's house, but if he's stolen once, he'll do it again.
David, I need you to log back into the game and tell the islanders that Marco and Miriam have grown a second golden parsnip.
- Oh, fuck that game.
- What? Digging rocks to pay off a bunch of debt, it's like being trapped in a Johnny Cash song.
Just send everyone a Mammal Mail or something about your fake golden parsnip.
Oh, Mammal Mail, that's a good idea.
- Okay, I'm going back in.
- Yeah, you do that.
I'm gonna stay here and snoop around to my heart's content with no platypuses getting up in my ass.
It's time.
- Hmm.
Huh? - Hehe, now where is it? Ah, gotcha, Orville.
What? All of them? - Come on, where is it? - They're all criminals? What kind of monsters are these animals? What do you want? And what's with the axe? Good thing I memorized this hedge maze.
Right, right, left, left.
No, no, no, no! There is no second golden parsnip! It was just bait! What? Who are you? Heads up! Sorry to cut it close.
I had to find my shovel, trade it for a crab catcher, catch a silver horseshoe crab, and then use that as collateral for a hang glider loan.
David, I totally botched it! I thought there was one thief, but they were all thieves, and now that beautiful house is on fire! Oh, let it burn.
Listen, I've got to show you something.
Is it time, my love? Annie the Otter you're busted.
You see, we were never meant to find the golden parsnip.
Marco gave it to Annie Otter and was using us to stall for time.
How did you find out Marco was having an affair? Love letters.
Actual, old-fashioned human mail found through actual, old-fashioned bedroom snooping.
Annie the Otter is someone named Lisa Holly.
Our interior decorator's social media strategist? Hold on, wait a minute, why was Marco stealing from his own wife? Because he's broke! The trust fund is in my name.
Trust fund? I thought you made all your money from consulting and entreprenursing.
No, it's my great-grandaddy's money.
Mostly from tobacco, a little from asbestos.
Okay, let me get this straight.
While we were all playing fair, digging these infernal rocks, you two were cheating the game by buying your way into a golden parsnip using money you inherited from cancer? That's how wealth works.
Oh, man, what a crazy adventure.
This is the part where we all laugh, right? Maybe a freeze frame? Watch.
Guys, freeze.
- I never freeze.
- Mr.
Tagliano, I need a divorce attorney.
Oh, right, different mood.
You know what sucks, man? I thought Marco and I were gonna wind up like brunch bros, united by the meritocracy of the free market.
And it turns out he was just, like, a rich, spoiled, cheating asshole.
I mean, what are the odds of that? Well, David, you did some pretty good wheeling and dealing to get that hang glider.
I mean, Dr.
Marjorie Frost would be proud, probably.
That's true, I did rock that hang glider exchange.
Uh, why are you still playing that, though? Miriam gave it to me.
Didn't want it.
- Are you having fun? - Um.
No.