Dicktown (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

The Mystery of the Strawberry Patch

Let's see how many strawberries we can pick, okay? Mom, look at this one.
It's big.
- Honey, that is so great.
- Ugh, Mom.
Look, this berry's weird and wet.
Ah! - Give me the phone, John.
- No, I hate this app.
No, don't you dare delete that app.
I've had one date in the last month.
It was with someone I already know, and she said I'm doomed.
Oh, they always say guys like us are doomed.
- I give up.
- No, no.
There's no giving up in this Fiero.
- What? - Besides.
"People who give up become people who gave up.
" - Oh.
- Dr.
Marjorie Frost says that.
Marjorie Frost, is she a doctor of tautology? If she is, she is.
Look, why don't you think of dates as intel-gathering? Right? You're a detective.
You go on the date, and you gather clues to learn how women perceive you.
- That sounds fun.
- David, look.
If you get us to our appointment without crashing, I promise you, I won't delete LoveSwipe, okay? - Let me think - No, Da oh.
Yes, that's fair let me scratch my chin - and think about okay.
- No, no, no, put your hand - I'll shake on it.
- What? No, David, steer.
- Shake my hand.
- No John, John! We're going to crash! - We are going to crash.
- No one's hands are on the little wheel.
It's fine, I steer with my knees.
Whoa, where are we? This is really out there.
Yeah, it's a farm.
Many farms are located in rural areas nowadays.
Someone messaged me on LoveSwipe.
See? That's why you never give up.
- Wow.
Wow, okay.
- What'd she say? - Hmm.
- What's she saying? Well, she says "You're cool as fudge, and you actually seem interesting and fun " Cool, interesting, and fun? That's like a Weird Al song.
She's an eyeglasses model.
A model? Are you serious? "And I'm getting a PhD in literary theory.
" - Ooh.
- Hey, this is my dream girl.
- She's outta my league.
- Dude, you've got this.
You write her back, you flirt like crazy.
Once you're both in a tizzy, you ask her out - on an incredible date - Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Boom! Grown up sexual man achievement - All right.
- Unlocked.
I'll try flirting with her.
Oh, "as Jorge Luis Borges wrote - in 'The Garden of Forking Paths' " - Borges? No, no, no, no.
- That's boredom.
- No, no, no, no, Borges slaps.
And, send.
We'll see what intel she gives about me.
- From incel to intel.
- All right.
Thank you very much.
That's what I'm talking about.
Whew, this dew point is killing me.
Are you the investigator I spoke to on the phone? Yes, I'm John Hunchman.
This is my associate, David Purefoy.
Hey, there.
I'm Marius Riggsbee.
Well, we're here to solve your mystery, Mr.
I hope you can.
It's been driving me madder than a mulch-lifter - without a plow point.
- Mm-hmm.
And I presume that is bad? My family has been running this farm for 60 years.
You fellas like strawberries? Fuck, yeah, we like strawberries.
I prefer satsumas when they're in season.
Satsumas? Try these.
Thank you.
- Holy shit.
- Good God.
Marius, this is the most incredible strawberry - I've ever tasted.
- Holy fuck! We're one of Carolina's best family farms - and what is wrong with you? - David? I would literally kill everyone I know to eat another strawberry that tastes that good.
- Here you go.
- Are you serious, man? Thank you.
All right, Mr.
Riggsbee, what is your mystery? You saw our sign, "wholesome fun for the whole family.
" People bring their kids and pick strawberries.
It's really wholesome.
That's so wholesome it's practically obscene.
But for the past few months, guess what we've been finding out here? - Piedmont Poundfish.
- Piedmont Poundfish? - That's farmer slang for condoms.
- Oh, David, no.
Oh, you think I'm not gonna eat this strawberry just 'cause it had a used rubber dripping cum all over it? Bruh.
Unlike your boy, most of our customers are skittish about finding prophylactics in our fields.
Uh, understandable.
So people are sneaking out here at night for sex? That's what I thought.
You know, just some kids enjoying some late night farm fucking.
- We've all done it, right? - Well Man, I once got to fifth base on a pile of acorn squash with someone.
Had bruises for days.
But here's what's driving me crazy.
I got motion sensor cameras to catch anyone hopping the fence at night.
No one comes into the field.
Well, right, we know where they come.
- They come into the condoms.
- Oh, God.
And good for them.
That's very responsible.
And good for me.
That was a very clever joke.
Ignore him, Mr.
Riggsbee, he's talking to his "cameras.
" So every night I think I'm gonna catch kids having sex, and I don't.
But then the next morning, I got some mom coming up screaming because their kid found a rubber in the Fragaria cultivars.
- David, it's stakeout time.
- Totally.
Riggsbee, we'll find the culprits - and bring them to justice.
- Appreciate that.
And I want to make it clear, I have nothing against farm fucking per se.
- Uh, okay - Garden griding.
Getting filthy.
It's erotic.
- I'm not denying that.
- Okay.
I am 100% in support of people getting absolutely buck wild in the dirt while they fuck.
I totally understand you at this point, thank you.
Just keep your "yogurt bags" - away from my berries.
- Oh - Do you see anything? - That's a negative.
Ooh, is that your eyeglass model? What'd she say? What'd she say? Let's just say the intel is looking good.
See? Before you know it, you'll be ready for love.
- What was that? - Ugh.
- Whoa.
- Eww.
Okay, that's a used condom.
Yeah, well-used by the looks of it.
And I don't see anyone.
Holy shit! Dude, dude! UFO! UFO! Ancient aliens! Ancient aliens! Why did you guys build the pyramids? - No, no, David, stop.
- What are we supposed to do with those pyra what? - It's a hot-air balloon.
- A what? A hot-air you've never seen a hot-air balloon before? - People ride in them.
- A balloon that people can ride in? - Are you serious? Since when? - 1783.
- The Montgolfier brothers at Versailles - Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
What are the odds that a hot-air balloon floats by just as people are having sex somewhere in this field, and we can't find them? Oh, David, don't you get it? People are in the balloon having sex.
Wha Detectives, always a pleasure.
Tucker, we need a piece of gear that might be hard to get, even for you.
- Call me Frasier.
- Why? Because I'm listening.
Look, we need a hot-air balloon.
- Now, I know it's a longshot - Shh, shh, shh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is it okay if my friends borrow your balloon for the weekend? And your pilot.
How's Corsica this year? Wonderful.
Yes, I'm doing my homework.
Bye, Father.
Oh, that was shockingly easy.
Wait, what does your dad do, exactly? I could tell you, but I'd have to bore you.
Aren't you a little curious about why we need a hot-air balloon? No.
Uh, if they don't come soon, I'm gonna need more fuel.
Oh, they'll be here soon.
I can smell it.
Ah, the unmistakable odor of night sex.
- That's propane.
- Mm.
I can't believe you need a pilot's license - to fly this thing.
- It's an aircraft.
- Oh, come on, it's a big bag.
- You're a big bag.
- Uh, are you flirting with me? - Ew, are you flirting with me? - Uh, you're flirting with me.
- Ew! Shh! Be quiet, you two.
That basket is rocking, and we're going knocking.
Come on, let's go.
Wh how do we, uh, chase them? Well, gotta wait for a breeze because we're in a balloon.
We don't have time to wait for wind.
Come on, help me pump this basket, get this balloon moving.
Don't worry, David, I came prepared.
You in the hot-air balloon.
You are trespassing in Farmer Riggsbee's airspace.
- Hey, mind your own business.
- Leave us alone, you creeps.
We're sky boning.
While we applause your responsible use of condoms, your littering is out of control.
30-plus condoms in 2 months is too much sky boning.
30-plus condoms? You said this was the first time you'd done this.
- And he's busted.
- Babe.
- Take me home.
- We have to wait for a breeze.
Here's your fee.
It's been a whole week with no condoms out here.
I don't know what you fellas did, - but I sure appreciate it.
- It's simple.
- I crafted a psychological profile.
- Mm-hmm.
I realized that the thrill-seeking impulse that would drive someone to have sex in a balloon might extend to juggling multiple partners without their knowledge.
Once the word got out, our horny balloonist would soon be flying solo.
But you know what I still can't figure out? Why would you make love in the stupid air when you could be down in the wonderful dirt? I got a text.
Oh, Giovanna, the eyeglasses model.
- Yeah? - She's proposed a midnight picnic at the old Lettuce Head Southern Dolls factory.
Is that a good first date? Oh, my gosh, that's a wonderful first date.
All right, well, I guess I have a date then.
Hey, don't forget the Piedmont Poundfish.
Yo, that's right, man, bring condoms.
- No - Be safe.
Don't worry, I've got it covered.
I mean, I I will have it covered.
Oh, look at this! Look at this energy! I love it, man.
You're gonna kill it.
Oh, my gosh, a midnight picnic.
Oh, I'll bring egg salad sandwiches, Those are always great on a date.
You know what? Do it.
I'm behind you 100%.
Bring those egg salad sandwiches.
- Get sexy.
- And fuck in the dirt.
Hello? Giovanna? It's John Hunchman.
I'm here for our midnight picnic.
Hello? Did you really think an eyeglass model would wanna date you? Did you really think anyone would wanna date you? I brought egg salad sandwiches.
No thanks, bud.
They make my farts stink.
What? What are you doing here? Well, I guess I'm here to ruin your life.
Uh, o-okay, I don't get it.
Who are you? You know.
It's me.
- Uh, nope.
- Yes, you do know.
Look at my face.
You do know me.
And you know what you did.
No, please, please, I really don't.
I have no clue what you're talking about.
Wow-ee-zow-ee! No clue? You're a hoot, you know that? You really, really make me laugh.
You have to laugh at life sometimes, right, bud? - Yeah, laugh, ha ha ha.
- Okay, you get a clue then.
Figure it out, great boy detective.
I've got all the time in the world.
I'm not a boy detective! I'm a grown man.
Hi, Dad? Can you pick me up at the doll factory? I'd ask David, but he's on a date.

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