Dilbert (1999) s02e01 Episode Script
The Gift
Get out of bed.
Resistance is futile.
Wake up and assimilate the day.
Get out of bed.
Resistance is futile.
Wake up and assimilate the day.
I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.
That too is futile.
Okay, that's enough out of you.
Do not touch me.
Then how do I turn you off? Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.
Clock tease.
Whoa! Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman? I'm just seeing how much he can carry.
He's up to seven times his own weight.
Neither rain nor sleet nor Oh, the hell with that help! I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.
What makes these gift catalogs? Doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone? I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself.
If you wouldn't buy it for yourself, then who needs someone to buy it for you? It's the thought that counts.
On that same topic, it's your mother's birthday next week.
Oh, no, not again.
So soon? It seems like only a year ago I was giving her something she hates.
Help! I can't swim! You're not going to drown.
You're just covered with catalogs.
Then, uh, help! I can't read! Why don't you get your mom something from the mall? No! Oh, yes, I forgot.
The unspeakable event from your youth.
Don't you think it's time you got over that? I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving this couch.
Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems, as black and sooty as real moon rocks.
Plus, they're guaranteed for three months.
Moonconium? But first, the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment, straight from the tattered remains of the cash-desperate former K.
G.
B.
Hand me the phone.
My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday.
It's not for HER; IT'S TO USE ON her.
We'll find out exactly what she wants.
It's wrong.
But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment.
This is insane.
Wait, target in motion.
She's headed for the den.
Yes, officer, there's two of them.
A big one and a small one.
I don't know what they're doing, but they've been out there for hours.
I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house.
I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it.
Or maybe our own people.
I've written some strong letters to the fed about monetary policy.
All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence.
Stop and we'll shoot! Stop and WE'LL SHOOT? If you're going to shoot why should we stop? Well, it would be a lot easier for us.
The targets at the shooting range don't run.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That if I get a head start running, your body will shield me from the spray of bullets? Hold your fire.
They're running.
Asok, could you clean that up? Uh! I am an engineering intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.
Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill? Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity.
Sure.
No problem.
I don't mind.
See? She doesn't have a There you go.
Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate? No, I got her cash last year.
She said it was insulting.
A gift certificate is completely different from cash.
No, it's not.
They're both pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services.
You're missing the point.
Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash, because you can only use it in one place.
And it expires.
At least it shows some thought.
It shows defective thought.
You're trading perfectly good money for something that does the same thing, only not as well.
Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.
Shut up.
Why do you not go to the mall of shopping? Yeah, Dilbert, why don't you just get her something at the mall? Dilbert, you okay? I'm totally fine.
What are you accusing me of? Everyone's afraid of something.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, back to work.
You know, if we try to get to the bottom of this, it could kill the whole morning.
And yet it would look exactly like work to the casual observer.
I'm in.
Come on, Dilbert, it's me, your old pal.
What's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them? He's right, Dilbert.
All most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else.
Fine.
Fine! I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the mall.
It all happened when I was five years old.
My father took me to the mall for the first time.
Daddy, I think those machines are calling me.
Ooh ooh! Ooh.
When we get home I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit, but right now we need to buy your mother a birthday gift.
All you can eat.
We'll see about that.
Oh ooh oh Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? What's the matter, little boy? Are you lost? Where are your parents? Did they leave you all alone? No, no my father's over Where? What does he look like? He-he looks big and, uh, he's got a hat, he's Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? And I never saw my father again.
I will take you to the mall, Dilbert.
I will help you find your father, and I will buy some batteries while I'm there.
Wally, this is so unlike you.
Why are you offering to help me? I'm out of batteries.
It just came in the mail.
It's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the Other one.
I was going to say other one.
You boys from marketing have done it again.
You're like the three Guys from marketing who bring us things like this.
Does it get HBO? According to the directions you just strap it on some sucker's head, and it records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli.
We need to test it out on someone who shops.
I.
E.
A "shopper.
" Oh.
This is so sexist.
I am not the only person in this room who shops.
Where'd you get the clothes you're wearing? I won these clothes in a contest.
I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel.
We're wearing his hand-me-downs.
Sometimes I just find stuff after I talk! Ooh.
Oh, just give me that stupid thing.
Time to see how my stocks are doing.
Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.
If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.
I B M You have purchased tickets for GRUESOME CARNAGE at the Bigmall Cineplex.
If this purchase is correct, press one.
I B M Thank you.
Oh, the heck with this.
This thing never works anyway.
Maybe I'll duck out and catch a flick.
Hmm, Gruesome Carnage IS AT THE BIGMALL CINEPLEX.
I'm there.
I can't believe I've finally returned to the source of all my childhood angst.
I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by them.
You got any gum? Ah! Is that so you don't have to confront your fear? This, my friend, is the latest in virtual-reality parking technology.
If there's a parking space in here, I'll find it.
What's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car? Too risky.
And There the perfect spot.
Could somebody hit three, please? Uh, let's see.
We're here.
We are? Aren't we? I suppose.
I could be wrong.
If we're not here, then where are we? And if we are here where is here? Isn't here there? I would think here is here.
You would.
Here's there.
There's here.
This isn't working.
I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks.
I just can't bring myself to buy oxygen.
Uh, this is us.
Hey, that's the J-400 model.
That's the same one I have.
That'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough.
Once, I was giving myself a haircut and I darn near severed my Will you shut up? Uh, Wally, I think we're about to be attacked.
Oh, don't worry about the natives.
"Natives"? Yeah.
They're the mall natives.
They're a primitive society that live in the mall.
Why do they live in the mall? Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just stayed.
Barnes and Nobles, Payless, Bigboy.
Nordstrom Discount, Spencer Gift.
He says you look familiar.
He does? Who do I look like? Uh, let's see, uh Natural Wonders, Gap Kids, Waldenbook? Uh, See's Candy J.
C.
Penney J.
Crew Hot dog On A Stick J.
Crew Body Shop Limited Limited Too Montgomery Ward Limited Too Disney Store Wetzels Pretzels.
They say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at the mall, not because he can't escape, but because he likes it here.
Cineplex Odeon! Uh-huh, uh-huh, Cineplex! Cineplex Odeon! Cineplex! Cineplex! Do they know where the Red Oyster is? Do they know how to get there? Mm Blockbuster Video, A.
T.
M.
Restoration Hardware, Lens Crafters, Robinson Mayu? Sbarro! Sbarro! They fear the food court.
Great.
Gap for Kids! Sears Roebuck! Victoria's Secret! That's right, fear it- A $50,000 spending limit and just 7.
4% interest.
Ooh, that was a good one.
I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the decorative fountain.
I couldn't do that.
Oh.
It's a simple matter of aerodynamics.
You'd never get the distance with the nun But you see this next guy? With the huge pants? He'll glide like a flying squirrel.
Yo, this is totally spodatious! Hey Do it again, do it again.
All right, one more.
Why are people flying off the escalator? And what happened to Dogbert? And why do I think those questions are related? We must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm.
Now, we must focus on the task at hand.
We're lost.
I'm going to ask directions.
Excuse me.
This is all we have as far as you're concerned.
I'm not here to shop.
I need directions to the Red Oyster Restaurant.
Go out that way, turn left Yes, "turn left" And don't come back.
Thanks.
Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes.
This can't be right.
I'm an engineer.
I wear shoes to protect my feet, not because they look pretty.
Shut up! If we go down this hall, leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart, then we can drop a rope, swing into Victoria's Secret, and set up camp for the night.
Daddy? Daddy! Alice! Wally! Asok! What's the matter with him? Drunk.
Maybe he just seems drunk.
Maybe he's got that disease.
Alcoholism? Yeah, that's it.
All you can eat.
All you can eat.
Dad? Dilbert.
Is that you? Yes! It's me! Dad, what are you doing here? Quite simply I'm not done.
But why continue? Why not just come home? I can't, son.
I know it's hard to understand, but it's "all you can eat".
I don't UNDERSTAND.
Why is that so important to you? In the beginning, it was just a challenge.
Man against buffet.
Human pitted against an ever-changing array of hot and cold dishes, but I can't give up now, son.
What would you think of me then? Couldn't you call it a draw? I mean, you put up a heck of a fight.
I thought about it, but it became more than a contest of wills.
"All you can eat" isn't just a pricing plan.
It's a philosophy, a way of life.
A commitment.
And we must honor our commitments.
Remember, Dilbert, at the "all you can eat" buffet, the only obstacle is yourself, or an obstructed colon.
Does that mean you won't leave? Only when I'm finished.
It's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again and again.
If you don't fill yourself up, Dilbert, then you're empty.
See what I mean, son? I think so.
Son, you will never find what you seek until you stop looking.
For instance, for years, they stopped serving Jell-o mold until I stopped seeking it.
Sure enough, there it was in three new colors- lime, raspberry, and mango.
Do you follow me, Dilbert? Yes, Dad.
Good.
I must go to the buffet now, my son.
Because you're hungry? It's like I'm talking to the broccoli.
Uh, goodbye, Dilbert.
Tell your mother They have pie.
But but Goodbye Dad.
Okay.
We can go.
Finally.
Where's the parking stub? We need to get it validated.
I gave it to you.
No, you didn't.
I gave it to you.
No way.
Maybe you gave it to Asok.
Me? I never touched that ticket.
Well, now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge.
We? Huh! It's your car, buddy.
Can't we split it? Sure, you two can.
I will take public transportation.
I dare you.
This is amazing! Who buys this kind of crap? That's it! Stupid lying hat! Let's see Oh, the husband is the killer! Um Oh, the president and the waitress are the same person! Ooh, this is a good one.
It turns out the human scientist is actually working for THE ALIENS! You'd never have guessed it.
Wait! Did you know that popcorn is mostly air? And it's marked up over 5,000%! You're paying for overpriced air! Wake up, people! There he is! Chase him down! Come on, one more! Oh, all right.
I bet this is how Cirque du Soleil got started.
Thank you, Dogbert.
This is very nice.
There's only one like it.
You always get me the nicest things, Dogbert.
And Ratbert got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it.
There's lots more where that came from.
I'm sure there is, dear.
Thank you.
And last But not least.
Whatever.
Dilbert got me a gift certificate.
Oh, and look- It's got a little expiration date right there in the corner.
You hate it, don't you? Oh, I love it, dear.
You've traded your money for something that's just like money but much more restricted.
I kind of ran out of time.
At the mall.
You went to the mall for me? Well Yeah.
You're terrified of the mall.
Yeah.
Oh, and there's this.
Oh, my.
Well At least he looks well-fed.
That he is.
Did he say anything, Dilbert? Did he say anything? He said "There's pie.
"
Resistance is futile.
Wake up and assimilate the day.
Get out of bed.
Resistance is futile.
Wake up and assimilate the day.
I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.
That too is futile.
Okay, that's enough out of you.
Do not touch me.
Then how do I turn you off? Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.
Clock tease.
Whoa! Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman? I'm just seeing how much he can carry.
He's up to seven times his own weight.
Neither rain nor sleet nor Oh, the hell with that help! I'd put an end to this cruel game except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.
What makes these gift catalogs? Doesn't anything qualify as a gift if you give it to someone? I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't in a million years buy for yourself.
If you wouldn't buy it for yourself, then who needs someone to buy it for you? It's the thought that counts.
On that same topic, it's your mother's birthday next week.
Oh, no, not again.
So soon? It seems like only a year ago I was giving her something she hates.
Help! I can't swim! You're not going to drown.
You're just covered with catalogs.
Then, uh, help! I can't read! Why don't you get your mom something from the mall? No! Oh, yes, I forgot.
The unspeakable event from your youth.
Don't you think it's time you got over that? I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom without leaving this couch.
Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems, as black and sooty as real moon rocks.
Plus, they're guaranteed for three months.
Moonconium? But first, the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment, straight from the tattered remains of the cash-desperate former K.
G.
B.
Hand me the phone.
My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday.
It's not for HER; IT'S TO USE ON her.
We'll find out exactly what she wants.
It's wrong.
But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment.
This is insane.
Wait, target in motion.
She's headed for the den.
Yes, officer, there's two of them.
A big one and a small one.
I don't know what they're doing, but they've been out there for hours.
I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house.
I suppose they could be terrorists now that you mention it.
Or maybe our own people.
I've written some strong letters to the fed about monetary policy.
All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence.
Stop and we'll shoot! Stop and WE'LL SHOOT? If you're going to shoot why should we stop? Well, it would be a lot easier for us.
The targets at the shooting range don't run.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That if I get a head start running, your body will shield me from the spray of bullets? Hold your fire.
They're running.
Asok, could you clean that up? Uh! I am an engineering intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.
Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill? Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity.
Sure.
No problem.
I don't mind.
See? She doesn't have a There you go.
Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate? No, I got her cash last year.
She said it was insulting.
A gift certificate is completely different from cash.
No, it's not.
They're both pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services.
You're missing the point.
Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash, because you can only use it in one place.
And it expires.
At least it shows some thought.
It shows defective thought.
You're trading perfectly good money for something that does the same thing, only not as well.
Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.
Shut up.
Why do you not go to the mall of shopping? Yeah, Dilbert, why don't you just get her something at the mall? Dilbert, you okay? I'm totally fine.
What are you accusing me of? Everyone's afraid of something.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, back to work.
You know, if we try to get to the bottom of this, it could kill the whole morning.
And yet it would look exactly like work to the casual observer.
I'm in.
Come on, Dilbert, it's me, your old pal.
What's the point of an office friendship if you don't expose each other's weaknesses and then ridicule them? He's right, Dilbert.
All most of us have to get us through the day is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else.
Fine.
Fine! I'll tell you why I'm uncomfortable going to the mall.
It all happened when I was five years old.
My father took me to the mall for the first time.
Daddy, I think those machines are calling me.
Ooh ooh! Ooh.
When we get home I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit, but right now we need to buy your mother a birthday gift.
All you can eat.
We'll see about that.
Oh ooh oh Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? What's the matter, little boy? Are you lost? Where are your parents? Did they leave you all alone? No, no my father's over Where? What does he look like? He-he looks big and, uh, he's got a hat, he's Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? And I never saw my father again.
I will take you to the mall, Dilbert.
I will help you find your father, and I will buy some batteries while I'm there.
Wally, this is so unlike you.
Why are you offering to help me? I'm out of batteries.
It just came in the mail.
It's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the Other one.
I was going to say other one.
You boys from marketing have done it again.
You're like the three Guys from marketing who bring us things like this.
Does it get HBO? According to the directions you just strap it on some sucker's head, and it records his excitement level when exposed to various shopping stimuli.
We need to test it out on someone who shops.
I.
E.
A "shopper.
" Oh.
This is so sexist.
I am not the only person in this room who shops.
Where'd you get the clothes you're wearing? I won these clothes in a contest.
I always pick up an extra suitcase at the airport luggage carousel.
We're wearing his hand-me-downs.
Sometimes I just find stuff after I talk! Ooh.
Oh, just give me that stupid thing.
Time to see how my stocks are doing.
Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.
If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.
I B M You have purchased tickets for GRUESOME CARNAGE at the Bigmall Cineplex.
If this purchase is correct, press one.
I B M Thank you.
Oh, the heck with this.
This thing never works anyway.
Maybe I'll duck out and catch a flick.
Hmm, Gruesome Carnage IS AT THE BIGMALL CINEPLEX.
I'm there.
I can't believe I've finally returned to the source of all my childhood angst.
I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons or be destroyed by them.
You got any gum? Ah! Is that so you don't have to confront your fear? This, my friend, is the latest in virtual-reality parking technology.
If there's a parking space in here, I'll find it.
What's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car? Too risky.
And There the perfect spot.
Could somebody hit three, please? Uh, let's see.
We're here.
We are? Aren't we? I suppose.
I could be wrong.
If we're not here, then where are we? And if we are here where is here? Isn't here there? I would think here is here.
You would.
Here's there.
There's here.
This isn't working.
I told you we should buy the oxygen not just the masks.
I just can't bring myself to buy oxygen.
Uh, this is us.
Hey, that's the J-400 model.
That's the same one I have.
That'll cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough.
Once, I was giving myself a haircut and I darn near severed my Will you shut up? Uh, Wally, I think we're about to be attacked.
Oh, don't worry about the natives.
"Natives"? Yeah.
They're the mall natives.
They're a primitive society that live in the mall.
Why do they live in the mall? Legend has it they came for the early morning power walks and just stayed.
Barnes and Nobles, Payless, Bigboy.
Nordstrom Discount, Spencer Gift.
He says you look familiar.
He does? Who do I look like? Uh, let's see, uh Natural Wonders, Gap Kids, Waldenbook? Uh, See's Candy J.
C.
Penney J.
Crew Hot dog On A Stick J.
Crew Body Shop Limited Limited Too Montgomery Ward Limited Too Disney Store Wetzels Pretzels.
They say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you living at the mall, not because he can't escape, but because he likes it here.
Cineplex Odeon! Uh-huh, uh-huh, Cineplex! Cineplex Odeon! Cineplex! Cineplex! Do they know where the Red Oyster is? Do they know how to get there? Mm Blockbuster Video, A.
T.
M.
Restoration Hardware, Lens Crafters, Robinson Mayu? Sbarro! Sbarro! They fear the food court.
Great.
Gap for Kids! Sears Roebuck! Victoria's Secret! That's right, fear it- A $50,000 spending limit and just 7.
4% interest.
Ooh, that was a good one.
I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the decorative fountain.
I couldn't do that.
Oh.
It's a simple matter of aerodynamics.
You'd never get the distance with the nun But you see this next guy? With the huge pants? He'll glide like a flying squirrel.
Yo, this is totally spodatious! Hey Do it again, do it again.
All right, one more.
Why are people flying off the escalator? And what happened to Dogbert? And why do I think those questions are related? We must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm.
Now, we must focus on the task at hand.
We're lost.
I'm going to ask directions.
Excuse me.
This is all we have as far as you're concerned.
I'm not here to shop.
I need directions to the Red Oyster Restaurant.
Go out that way, turn left Yes, "turn left" And don't come back.
Thanks.
Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes.
This can't be right.
I'm an engineer.
I wear shoes to protect my feet, not because they look pretty.
Shut up! If we go down this hall, leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart, then we can drop a rope, swing into Victoria's Secret, and set up camp for the night.
Daddy? Daddy! Alice! Wally! Asok! What's the matter with him? Drunk.
Maybe he just seems drunk.
Maybe he's got that disease.
Alcoholism? Yeah, that's it.
All you can eat.
All you can eat.
Dad? Dilbert.
Is that you? Yes! It's me! Dad, what are you doing here? Quite simply I'm not done.
But why continue? Why not just come home? I can't, son.
I know it's hard to understand, but it's "all you can eat".
I don't UNDERSTAND.
Why is that so important to you? In the beginning, it was just a challenge.
Man against buffet.
Human pitted against an ever-changing array of hot and cold dishes, but I can't give up now, son.
What would you think of me then? Couldn't you call it a draw? I mean, you put up a heck of a fight.
I thought about it, but it became more than a contest of wills.
"All you can eat" isn't just a pricing plan.
It's a philosophy, a way of life.
A commitment.
And we must honor our commitments.
Remember, Dilbert, at the "all you can eat" buffet, the only obstacle is yourself, or an obstructed colon.
Does that mean you won't leave? Only when I'm finished.
It's my moral duty to fill my plate up again and again and again.
If you don't fill yourself up, Dilbert, then you're empty.
See what I mean, son? I think so.
Son, you will never find what you seek until you stop looking.
For instance, for years, they stopped serving Jell-o mold until I stopped seeking it.
Sure enough, there it was in three new colors- lime, raspberry, and mango.
Do you follow me, Dilbert? Yes, Dad.
Good.
I must go to the buffet now, my son.
Because you're hungry? It's like I'm talking to the broccoli.
Uh, goodbye, Dilbert.
Tell your mother They have pie.
But but Goodbye Dad.
Okay.
We can go.
Finally.
Where's the parking stub? We need to get it validated.
I gave it to you.
No, you didn't.
I gave it to you.
No way.
Maybe you gave it to Asok.
Me? I never touched that ticket.
Well, now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge.
We? Huh! It's your car, buddy.
Can't we split it? Sure, you two can.
I will take public transportation.
I dare you.
This is amazing! Who buys this kind of crap? That's it! Stupid lying hat! Let's see Oh, the husband is the killer! Um Oh, the president and the waitress are the same person! Ooh, this is a good one.
It turns out the human scientist is actually working for THE ALIENS! You'd never have guessed it.
Wait! Did you know that popcorn is mostly air? And it's marked up over 5,000%! You're paying for overpriced air! Wake up, people! There he is! Chase him down! Come on, one more! Oh, all right.
I bet this is how Cirque du Soleil got started.
Thank you, Dogbert.
This is very nice.
There's only one like it.
You always get me the nicest things, Dogbert.
And Ratbert got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it.
There's lots more where that came from.
I'm sure there is, dear.
Thank you.
And last But not least.
Whatever.
Dilbert got me a gift certificate.
Oh, and look- It's got a little expiration date right there in the corner.
You hate it, don't you? Oh, I love it, dear.
You've traded your money for something that's just like money but much more restricted.
I kind of ran out of time.
At the mall.
You went to the mall for me? Well Yeah.
You're terrified of the mall.
Yeah.
Oh, and there's this.
Oh, my.
Well At least he looks well-fed.
That he is.
Did he say anything, Dilbert? Did he say anything? He said "There's pie.
"