Dilbert (1999) s01e13 Episode Script

The Infomercial

"Push the button and see how a giant meteor caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.
" Hm.
Until this moment I had trouble visualizing it.
If aliens helped build the pyramids where are they now? Did they just leave? You know what they say.
History is written by the winners.
Let me out of this damn thing! Please, someone! "Push the button to simulate the storm that brought Amelia Earhart's plane down.
" No! Not again! Oh, God! Make it stop! It looks very realistic.
You don't think that's the real Amelia Earhart, do you? Yes, I think the museum found her on an island and put her in this exhibit.
Same thing happened to King Kong.
It's not that unusual.
Come on.
All right.
Nooooo! Stop! Above you are the billions of stars that make up our universe.
Or so we used to think.
We now know those lights are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the earth.
Are there any questions? Yeah.
What's a black hole? Well, my career would be one example.
Any other questions? Better not ask him anything about Uranus.
I think I've seen enough.
There's only so much learning you can pack into one day.
No! Confounded little dog! Somebody help me for mercy's sake! Can I ask you a question? That's why I'm here.
Why don't I ever see any other garbage men in this city? It's always you.
I like to work alone.
That's impossible.
One garbage man cannot handle the whole city.
I have shortcuts.
Shortcuts? What possible shortcuts would let one person handle the whole? Well, maybe we'll pick this conversation up later.
So tell me more about the many, many ways in which the Stuntmaster Six Oh Oh Oh can give me the workout of a lifetime? Keep rolling! Keep rolling! Uh-huh.
Four easy payments of money will order yours today.
I'm losing consciousness And yet I'm still aroused.
Input, people, input.
But remember it's already in the can and we can't change it.
If I may use a sports analogy, you've really hit the goalpost on that one.
Yes, I guess I did.
I watched it only once and already I want to date that model and suffer a head trauma.
Why, thank you, Loud Howard.
You humble me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again What? That's as far as I ever get.
Dilbert, you seem strangely silent.
Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and dare I say, awe? Yes, you could interpret it that way.
I'm blushing now.
But I can't help wondering.
Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the informercial? We haven't even tested the new version of the Gruntmaster 6000.
We're doing that now.
We're sending it to a typical family for consumer field testing.
That's impossible.
There's only one version of the new Gruntmaster in existence, and it's sitting in my design lab.
That thing's not ready for human testing.
We haven't even lab tested the technology.
Oh, calm down.
We'll do that after.
The graviton generator alone is very sensitive.
"The graviton generator alone is very sensitive.
" Quit your whining, missy.
I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? If anyone were foolish enough to build a graviton generator, it would surely create a black hole that would annihilate the entire solar system.
Well, I don't know what's the worst thing that could happen, but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time, stretching and enfolding upon itself Nice try, but I don't think you bored him quite to death.
Excellent, Dilbert.
Nice going, Dil.
Just great.
music Camptown ladies Sing this song music music Doo-dah, doo-dah music What are you waiting for, ladies? Start singing.
Carol said since he hit his head he's been talking in his sleep.
Come on, let's get out of here before he wakes up.
Let's just hear what he says next.
Boom! Cooked by explosion.
music When you walk Through a storm music music Hold your head up high music Then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the mud.
Is that smoke? Wally, what are you doing? Well, I wanted to make some popcorn, but somebody was using the microwave and the printer has that heater thing in it that makes the paper warm, and Cooked by explosion.
Didn't the boss say that? Yeah, but he was just babbling.
Or was he? What are you saying, that he predicted this would happen? I don't know.
Am I? Predicting the future is impossible.
Is it? Yes.
It violates causality.
There is no way to know something will occur until it occurs.
Or is there? If you don't stop asking rhetorical questions I'm going to kill you.
Are you? On the other hand, it'd be a pretty big coincidence if the boss just happened to mention an explosion right before it happened.
Alice, I think he's dead.
Oh, man, I was in the tunnel.
I neglected to mention the one glitch with the infomercial.
We have to do it all over.
I had to fire the babe.
Why? Depends whose story you believe.
Mine or the truth.
I feel like I've seen this popcorn before.
This might be a case of deja food.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe they sent the Gruntmaster out to some defenseless family for testing.
Do you realize the potential for disaster? Do you realize-? The mute button only works on the TV.
It was worth a shot.
We didn't even have the instruction manual written yet.
That graviton generator is a bit unpredictable.
I only hope and pray they found a smart family to test that thing.
Otherwise, we may be in grave trouble.
Eat your possum, Dory Ann, or you ain't gettin' another one.
That tain't no possum, Pa.
That's a raccoon.
It just looks like a raccoon because of the tire marks.
I believe there's been some mistake.
I forgive you all and now I must bid you all adieu.
You better hurry up and run him over again.
Are you sassing me, young 'un? I got half a mind You say you got half a mind.
You mind your manners, Lucas or the Baby Jesus will come down here right now and beat the living tar out of y'all.
I tain't afraid of no Baby Jesus.
Bring him on.
I'll bring him on, you little whippersnapper! He'll do you what for.
He won't neither.
Get the gun.
I told you this WAS STOP AND THIS was keep going.
music Pardon me, boy music music Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo? music I apologize.
Pardon me, sir.
Track 29? Thank you very much.
Dilbert, this is stupid.
He's been talking nonsense for years and no one thought he was psychic before.
The only difference now is he has his eyes closed.
Squiddler's patch Tay-has.
The darkness engulfs us.
The hole The hole in space In time The void The abyss from which no light escapes From which no life escapes.
music Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee music music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music music Fiddle dee dum And fiddle dee dee music music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music As long as it's filled with plenty of booze.
Let's see what the Skeptic Society has to say about this.
I assume this is Alice, the woman I met at the Skeptic Society dinner.
How did you do that? That's incredible.
A magician never gives away his secrets.
Well, the reason I called Is because you want me to debunk your boss's alleged psychic claims.
Wow! At least tell me how you did that one.
Wish I could.
All right, so when can you get here? Are you telling me that was a trick too? Yes, Alice, a good magician can duplicate any trick done by a so-called psychic or mentalist.
For example, watch this.
Huh? Aaah! Down! Whoops.
Lucas, if you break it the Baby Jesus will take you to hell and burn you like a pork chop for eternity.
What the? I ain't never seed Lawdy! That don't look right.
You've just been listening to a song.
I was on the phone, so I have no idea what it was.
Now the news.
We take you to our sister station K That's All We Could Think Of, Squiddler's Patch, Texas.
Oh, my God! My worst fear has come true.
You mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head? Okay, my second worst fear.
That you'll destroy the world with one of your inventions? Yes.
Dogbert, we've got to go to Squiddler's Patch immediately.
music I dream of Jeannie With the light yeller hair music music Floating like a vapor In the soft summer air music Whoa, that's no vapor.
Wally, don't tell me you've bought into this scam.
It's my ultimate fantasy.
Everyone is bald and poorly dressed.
And if you hadn't noticed, no one is doing anything that looks like work.
Ah, it's utopia.
Not for long.
I brought a world-famous skeptic to debunk that fraud.
Wally, meet The Amazing Rudolph.
Please, call me "The.
" I don't do that.
Forget the chitchat.
Get to work.
People, I am The Amazing Rudolph and I will show you how easily a skilled magician can reproduce any of these so-called psychic tricks.
All: Ooh Aah Whoops.
He's a witch! No, just a skilled illusionist.
That is my point.
If you're just an illusionist, tell us how you made the bird appear.
A magician never reveals his tricks.
I'm bound by the magician's code of ethics.
Well, that's awfully convenient, isn't it? That sounds like something a witch would say.
Kill the witch! music She was the daughter Of Rosie O'Grady music music A regular Old-fashioned gal music With one important distinction.
Listen, he wants us to go to Texas and throw the witch in the black hole.
He didn't say that! I know, but I've always wanted to go to Texas.
People, I can't give away my trade secrets, but perhaps I can give you a hint.
All right, I'll tell you! I'll tell you everything! Nah, forget it.
Now we'd rather throw you in the hole.
Come on.
I ain't got all day.
That's a good sign.
I heard you can tell a place is okay if the truckers eat there.
I guess "'scuse me" just ain't gonna cut it.
So, what can I get you fellers to swaller? Could we see a menu? This ain't Paris, boy.
Give us two of whatever you've touched the least.
Two soaps.
Make that one.
Hey What's happening to my cup? Hey, what the? Hey, Eustas.
What's making everything all stretchy? I ain't paying for this here gas.
I'd say Squiddler's Patch is thattaway.
I'll meet you at the black hole.
I think we need some help.
Professor Stephen Hawking, please.
Sign here, if you would.
Thank you.
Send up Professor Hawking straightaway.
Here he comes.
Here you are One Nobel-prize-winning Lucasian professor of mathematics, expert on all astrophysical phenomena and black holes in particular.
Hello, Dogbert.
Hey, Steve.
Will there be anything else? How do I move him around? Oh terribly sorry.
Just use this.
Dilbert! Over here! Mr.
Dilbert! I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions about the black hole phenomenon.
Has anyone famous ever had sexual relations near a black hole? Not that I know of.
Then you don't deny that someone famous has had sexual relations near a black hole? Does anyone have a question about the science? There's nothing here.
Wow! You're Stephen Hawking! I read your book.
Did you buy it or read it in the library? I think I borrowed it.
You cheap bastard.
Boys, please.
Can we focus on this black hole problem? There is no rush.
As long as nothing disturbs the singularity, the hole will grow very slowly.
We're screwed.
Come on, Wally.
Dance with us.
I don't hold hands.
I'm only in it for fashion reasons.
Come on! Ohhh Wow.
I've never felt so alive.
Check that.
Oh Wally! Wally is gone! Don't thank me.
Thank the black hole.
Someone must go into the singularity and stop whatever caused the black hole in the first place.
It's a simple case of wormhole travel using a shortcut in space-time.
Well, you listen, you pick up a few things.
But he was my friend! It's all my fault.
I caused this to happen.
I'm going in after him.
Isn't anyone going to stop me? No.
Go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
Just let me get my breath.
This is a big step.
Lots of unknowns.
Peril beyond belief.
One small step for Dilbert? You seem strangely silent.
Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect and, dare I say, awe? Yes, you could interpret it that way.
Oh I'm blushing now.
But I can't help wondering aren't we getting ahead of ourselves with the infomercial? We haven't even tested the new version of the Gruntmaster 6000.
We're doing that now.
We're sending it to a typical family for consumer field-testing.
That's impossible! There's only one It's in my Would you excuse me? Yes? The door's locked? Oh, well, in that case music Shine on, shine on Harvest moon music music Up in the sky music music I ain't had No lovin' since music January 30, 1955?! Huh.
and the farmer's daughter says, "I see you've met my cat.
" Hey, what's so funny? Nothing.
Is it garbage day again? It's always garbage day somewhere.
Professor Hawking? What are you doing here? Isn't this several thousand miles out of your way? Actually, it's a shortcut.
A shortcut? My street is a shortcut to England? Yes.
Will somebody explain to me what's going on? No.
Hey, I've got a copy of your book in my trunk.
Would you mind signing it? I already signed it.
No, you didn't.
It's locked in my trunk.
I'll wager five dollars I already signed it.
You're on.
The joke's on him.
He'll never be able to collect the five.
You didn't really think you'd win a bet with a Nobel-prize-winning Lucasian professor of mathematics? At least I didn't pay for his stupid book.