Disenchantment (2018) s01e12 Episode Script

Stairway to Hell

Hey! They all betrayed me.
Dagmar, Bean, Vip, even Vap.
At least this harmless street mutt won't.
Oh! Goddamn mother Ah, this is heaven.
Why did I waste all that time being alive? I was brutally murdered and I can't stop smiling! Incoming necro-chat for Mr.
Patching you through.
Elfo, wherever you are, I'm sorry.
I'm in Heaven! Who is this? Uh El Is that you? Lady, you're the one that called me.
Hello? I can't You're Are you not Excuse me, somebody's calling me, but I can't - I'll have some of those French fries.
- It's me I I'm so I'm hearing every other word.
I'm Hello? Can you now? I only I got just the "now" part.
What was that? Yes.
Oh, my just meet Hell.
I can't I'm sorry.
I'm literally only hearing one syllable.
Elfo, go to Hell! I know I say that a lot, but this time I mean it literally! Wow.
Okay, I heard that.
Screw you, jerk-o! It's Bean! Go to Hell, the place down below.
Bean? Bean, you want me in Hell? Bean! Oh, my God! Yes? Oh.
Um, sir this might seem like a weird question, but, God, I was wondering, is there any way I can get to, you know, Hell? Elfo, my son.
The only way to get out of Heaven would be to do something so vile, so disgusting as to offend the angels themselves.
And believe me, those guys are no angels.
But I have to, God.
I have to get down to the Elfo, now, you listen up and you listen good.
If you leave Heaven, there is no coming back.
You will be damned for all eternity.
And we just made eternity three weeks longer.
I don't care if my soul rots for a hundred years, as long as I can see Bean again for one minute.
So prepare to be offended and kick me out! Screw you, God! Did you hear that? Send me to Hell, sunshine! Elfo! Your noble intent far outweighs your benign, choir-boy swearing.
You know, no one belongs in Heaven more than you.
But I spoke impolitely, you all-knowing douche! I love you, my son.
I love you more than you can ever know.
Oh, yeah, dear Lord? Well, then, do you love my ass? Oh! Oh! I'll see you tomorrow.
Luci? Whoa, Luci, are you okay? I thought you were immortal.
Doesn't mean I can't feel pain.
Did you learn nothing from reading my memoirs? Whoa! Ugh! One of Jerry's ping-pong balls.
God forbid there should be a bannister on a mile-long staircase.
Yeah, he did forbid it.
Teaching us a lesson or some crap.
We're close.
It's only another ten thousand steps.
Better put on your demon suit.
How do I look? Whoa! Like a chipmunk in a discount bat costume? Cool.
That was actually a passive-aggressive insult.
Let's go, glamour-puss.
Ah I'd give all the gold in my kingdom just to hear the sweet sound of another living creature.
Zog, is that you? Merkimer! Uh, you didn't just hear what I said, did ya? Not clearly, no, why? No reason.
Oh, Merky, I'm so happy to see you, old friend! Same here, chum.
I've been in the countryside romancing a fetching young sow of my acquaintance.
Whatever went on here was nearly as disturbing.
Come on, let's go to the castle and comb my beard for leftover cookie crumbs.
Elfo! What art thou up to? Oh, nothing.
Just depicting your likeness.
In drawing form.
Pretty sinful stuff.
May I see? M'kay, but I gotta tell you, it's really insulting, man.
"Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah.
" Is that supposed to be me? Thank you, Elfo.
Thank you for teaching me not to take myself too seriously.
Hey, new guy, get a load of this! It's about time somebody took you down a notch, what with all the pain and suffering you've created.
Jerry, what if I told you all of that was to make you stronger? I'd say you're a sick bastard.
I like it.
Bean, listen to me.
Hell ain't a nice place.
There are some bad hombres down here.
You can't trust anyone, and I mean anyone.
Sure you want to keep going? Yes.
Yes! I owe it to Elfo.
It's a price I'm willing to pay.
- Hey, God-o.
- Now what? Take a look at this golden calf.
It's so graven.
And it's so much more worshippable than, say, you.
You don't make me feel inferior by worshiping a false idol.
And besides, I am all things, all things are me, so I am that idol as well.
So, worship away.
Okay, what if I told you I want to have sex with it? Now, you're just being silly, but go ahead.
To each his own.
Fulfill your desire.
I'm waiting.
He's chicken, ain't he? This is between God and me, dum-dum.
Stay out of it.
Dum-dum? You called Jerry a dum-dum? Don't you dare insult my Jerry! Clap! Thanks for smiting me! Okay, watch your posture.
No, slouch more.
Uh, more.
Little more.
Um, too slouchy.
Lucky for you, I carry some weight around here.
Everybody knows Luci.
Halt, strangers.
" Okay.
It's always opposite day with this guy, huh? What kind of demon are you? Who, me? Oh, I'm just like, you know, your worst nightmare demon.
I'm needy and unstable, and now that you've expressed interest in me, I want to know where this relationship is going.
No further questions.
You may pass.
Where do you think you're going, half-pint? And where are your wings? I'm still just a sub-demon, ma'am.
I haven't earned my wings yet.
Oh, he's with me.
He's my emotional support demon.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
That guy was just rude.
So I took advantage of his misogyny and gender stereotypes.
I actually applaud your manipulations, Bean.
You're in Hell, surrounded by treacherous, evil demons! We get promoted for being jerks.
It's kinda like the music industry.
Whoo! I made it! In your face, God! Though it's kinda hot down here.
Help! Bunny! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Did you see that? He did it! We're all here together! This is so Oh, wait, hang on.
He's still screaming.
I think he's done now.
Wait Okay, yes.
- Whoo! - Whoo! Yeah! I say, King Zog Please, we're the last two people alive.
Call me King.
King, have you ever considered adding a small pillow to your throne? Really takes the pressure off your shanks.
Merkimer, you're my best friend and the only companion I'll ever want.
Thank God somebody else is here.
It's the Bozaks! Quick question.
Do you think they're still mad at me for chopping off the head of their beloved admiral? I'm gonna say yes.
Ah, those pillaging jerks! If I weren't so old and fat and diabetic and anemic and arthritic Plus that thing with my knee, where it gets kinda stuck.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
I'd show them who's boss.
But for now, let's hide under this pile of children.
How are we ever gonna find Elfo? The location of every condemned soul is recorded in the Book of the Dead, in the Infernal Stronghold.
It looks like we need to make nine left turns and an up? Follow me, hot stuff.
I know the way.
Now, whatever happens, don't get separated.
Whoa! Once again, no bannisters.
Huh? And, voilà.
We are lost.
Why are you not fighting back? You're a legendary warrior, according to this tapestry you're cowering behind.
I'm old.
Life's beaten me down like a diseased circus monkey.
I just don't got it in me no more.
Absolute tosspottery! The Zog I know doesn't give up just because it's the smart, correct thing to do.
Stop moping and grab life by the tail! Zog! Wait! I'll tell you where Zog is.
Help us! Make it stoppen! It's those murderers I killed, Hansel and Gretel! Ugh, I'm so bad in these situations.
Hey, guys, what's happening? It's our personal Hell.
We are made to watch our gruesome death over und over.
Ah! There it is again! Yikes.
The violence is too graphic! It offends mein eyes! But you cooked and ate children.
Yeah, but we didn't look in the mirror when we was doing it.
Wait a minute.
You look familiar.
Did we go to high school together? No, I went to an all-demon school.
Wait! At least turn down the volume! The Infernal Stronghold.
We made it.
Whoa! This is like if a normal castle lived a really hard, drug-fueled life.
Hey! Whoa! Ooh, the Book of the Dead.
Everyone who's ever been sent to Hell is in this book.
Surprisingly large number of popes.
Oh! "Recent admissions," okay.
I should know this, but does Elfo have a last name? On checks, he just writes "Elfo" and then puts a little heart at the end.
You're not the night janitors.
Who are you? Asmodium, Lord of Darkness! Hello, sir.
Wow, are those horns new? They look great! Well, well, well.
Luci, that level zero bone ball on princess duty.
And who's your superior here? I go by the name of Juanita Demonheimer.
That sounds kind of real.
But what business have two minor sub-demons in the halls of the Infernal Stronghold? Well, we Really Answer me! Now.
I Whoa! There's only one sub-demon here, and I am about to get promoted.
'Cause I'm here to deliver a human soul! Mint condition, still on the bone.
An actual living human? Here in Hell? Well, this is unprecedented.
I underestimated you.
Luci, what are you doing? Plus I got a dumb elf to come down from Heaven! Four million years on the job and I can still be surprised.
Sub-demon Luci, I promote you to demon level two.
Enjoy your wings! Oh, my God, this was your plan all along, wasn't it? I thought you were my friend.
Now I'm stuck here forever, and so is Elfo.
You sold us out for a promotion? Exactly! I told you not to trust me.
Hell, I spelled it out for you.
Did you think I was your friend, huh? Your little fuzz-buddy? I'm a demon, damn it.
It's what we do.
I gotta say, you're pretty easy to betray.
It's been fun, but drag her away.
Yes, sir! You're horrible! You're a monster! You're evil! Thank you! Bye, now.
So long.
Help! Let me out! Of the bathtub? Yeah, I don't like baths.
Well, tough luck.
You get one bath before eternal damnation, and one more in 5,000 years.
Now, move it! In your personal Hell, you will experience the worst moment of your existence over and over again until you beg for it to stop.
And then it'll stop? No, I worded that badly.
It just keeps going.
The joke's on you guys, 'cause I never had any really bad moments.
In fact, I'm probably gonna enjoy this right up until the next bath! Clam up, the show is starting.
I don't remember this.
That's because you were dead.
But fortunately, your dear friend Princess Tiabeanie had an amulet with the power to bring you back.
Bean! It's just a vision.
Don't talk to the vision.
Enjoy the show.
Cook well.
Not safe eat undercook pig meat.
This is unfortunate.
Oh! Oh, no.
Ow! Okay, I can do this.
I can Who am I kidding? I'm out of shape, I'm starving, I've eaten nothin' but baby birds for a week.
The crunch is nice, sure, but it don't fill you up.
I don't got the strength.
Bacon? Bite my shiny metal axe! - What? What's happening? - Your own special Hell.
The popcorn is just out of reach.
Enjoy the show.
Elfo? Elfo! Elfo? I cared about you so much, Bean, and you left me dead on the floor? I I'm sorry, but I came down here to rescue you.
Yeah, you know when you could have rescued me? Right after I died.
Elfo, it was my mom! I mean, you can understand that, can't you? You made me leave Heaven when you don't even care about me that much.
Why are you here? Don't you get it, Elfo? Picking her over you was the worst mistake I've ever made.
This is my Hell, too.
Well, great, so now we're stuck here together.
Well, that wasn't the plan, obviously.
Luci tricked us both into coming here so he could get his little baby wings or whatever! - That jerk! - Yeah, that schmuck! - Jerk schmuck! - Schmuck face! Face schmuck! I also would have accepted "a-hole.
" Hey, gaspers.
If you're done insulting me, I'm here to rescue you.
Rescue us? You're the one who put us here.
I had no choice.
A puny, low-level sub-demon like me could never bust you guys out of Hell.
I needed to earn my wings so I could fly you out.
And the only way was to make you suffer horribly.
Then why didn't you just tell me the plan? Because then you wouldn't have suffered! Duh! That's horrible.
You're both horrible.
I am never trusting either of you again.
- Get your soul in the bottle.
- Okeydoke.
You a-hole.
So, what, you're gonna fly us out of here? Damn right.
These may not be grade nine uber-demon wings, and I've never really flown before, and I don't know if any of this will work, but grab my tail.
- Did you gain weight? - Numbers don't matter.
How are we going to find Elfo's body? Okay, souls are like magnets.
Elfo's soul will take us up to Earth and lead us directly to his corpse.
Can we not call it a corpse? Sure.
Just remember, souls can't survive on Earth.
So we'll only have, like, 30 seconds to jam Elfo back into his pus-encrusted cadaver.
Actually, I'm good with "corpse.
" Damn, you guys are heavy.
Do we really need both of you? - Yes! - I hate democracy.
Anyway, once we cross this lava river, we are home free.
I think we're gonna make it! I don't.
Thought you could escape, Luci? A mere demon level two? I'm so disappointed.
You could've made uber-demon one day! How 'bout today? Elfo! See ya never! What an appalling thing to do! I hereby promote you to uber-demon, level four.
Thanks, dumbass! Leave now and you'll lose your powers, your immortality, your parking space.
Everything! That's a price I'm willing to pay! Oh, God! My soul's gonna die! I'm gonna go to Super Hell! And gotcha! You schmuck.
Again? Oh, no.
My wings.
Elfo! Elfo! Goodbye, Bean.
Now that I'm a ghost, I'll help you make pottery.
No way! I already let you die once.
Hold your breath! Hold your breath! Are you holding it? Don't answer that.
Shut up! Elfo? Elfo? It didn't work.
Bean? Elfo! I knew you could count on me.
Hey! How come he gets to come back to life and I don't? Because I work in mysterious ways.
No, you don't.
You don't even work! I work.
I make stuff.
Yeah? What's the last thing you made? I made mosquitoes.
Yeah, and malaria! Did you create cancer? Well, yes.
Oh, man.
You ought to be ashamed! It came with tobacco.
People like that! - How old are you? - That is a very rude question.
You don't ask a celestial being how old he or she is.
Huh? I invented "they" before I invented "he" and "she.
" They don't write that part down, do they?
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