Disenchantment (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

The Very Thing

Hey! Okay.
What is happening? Are we still tripping in the Den of Wonders? And why do I have barnacles on my ass? Dude, you've been dead for five months.
What? Where are we? Oh, no! Walrus Island! Quick, jam sand in your ear holes! Welcome to Mermaid Island.
Phew! That's the good one.
We offer the ancient nectar of the gods, sangria.
Now, choose your mermaid.
- Mmm.
- Ah? Oh, yeah.
What is this called again? A massage.
It's like a nice, well-intentioned beating.
This is really helping the rigor mortis.
Why are you wearing that coin? Often our guests leave us trinkets as a sign of appreciation and not being total cheapskates.
I noticed you haven't yet, but whatever.
Up to you.
Do you do that thing where you gently bite the earlobe? Yes, I have known many lobes.
Guys, wake up.
Wake up.
I know this is a tropical paradise, but we've gotta get back to Dreamland.
I need to know if my dad's okay.
Bean, why are your ears all red? Do you have a boat we could take? There might be one lying around.
Whoa! We found it just like that.
Their lives will not be forgotten.
Thanks for oiling my corpse every day! That was a marinade.
We were going to eat you.
Yes, that was a merry day.
It was nice to meet you! Hey, why are there olives in my ears? Sipping sangria, rowing my two best pals along in a little boat If we hadn't been doing this for three straight hours, it'd be kinda nice.
Row faster, Bean.
How about you, Elfo? Any thoughts on being totally, completely reunited with your best friends? Nope, I'm good.
Okay, I can see something's wrong.
What's up? I said I'm good.
So just go ahead and row.
Just row, row, row, row your boat.
I'm not gonna keep rowing, dude.
You're clearly upset.
I'm not upset! You kinda said that like you're upset.
Why would I be upset? 'Cause my supposed best friend left me for dead so she could save some random lady she barely knows? I mean, I'm just spit-balling.
I'm just playing along.
'Cause, like I said, I'm not upset! Stop yellin'! Elfo, in case you forgot, I'm also the one who literally went through Hell to bring you back to life.
Yeah, and I'm the guy who tricked you both into making it happen.
True, and I really appreciate what you guys did, but I'm still kind of upset about what happened, m'kay? No, it's not "m'kay.
" Get over it! Appreciate our goddamn sacrifice, you stubborn little nimrod! I can still hear you! Shut up! I gave up so much for you! I gave up I gave up a lot.
Elfo, I'm really sorry, okay? I am begging you to forgive me.
Okay, then.
I'm glad that's over with.
Oh, it's not over.
What are you looking at? Grow some eyelids.
Enough of this.
Avast! Off the starboard bow.
There's something in the water! It's a log! I told you, I don't have to hear about every single log.
Okay, all right.
But this log, there's a woman holding on to it.
Are you sure that's not a log, too? Well What kind of woman be you who wears a crown? You a beauty contest winner? Do I look like a beauty contest winner? I'm not gonna answer that.
Well, I'm not, you fool.
I'm a Queen.
A real, live queen.
Do you wanna come out and have a look, Captain? Make sure she's not a log? - Nah, I trust ya.
- Aye, aye.
So, are you ever coming out of your cabin again? I ask because we've been at sea eight years now and the accordion player only knows one song.
What song is it? "Pop Goes the Weasel.
" Play it again.
We've been stuck in this fog all night.
- I think we've been going in circles.
- How do you know? Because I dropped an oar about six hours ago and we keep passing it.
I must be delirious.
I swear I'm hearing the sounds of the world's tiniest ukulele.
It's my dad's teeny flunkies, Vip and Vap! Hey, guys, which way is Dreamland? Look! Your father! Dad! Dad, it's me! Aren't you glad to see us? Look out! Die, lousy traitors! He must not know it's us.
I'll scream in a higher, shriller voice.
Zog! It's us! Sire, that's your daughter down there.
What are you doing? She betrayed me.
Teamed up with her evil mom, turned this place to stone and ran off! She's not gonna set foot in this kingdom.
She's not even gonna get past the Fun Pier.
Ah, yes, they tried to make me into a corn dog there once.
Anyway, you can't just keep throwing boulders at them.
Hello, Bean, Elfo, Luci.
Dad, that's enough! You already killed Vip and Vap! - I killed Vip? - And Vap! Oh, my poor, sweet Vip.
Come on, Dad.
Be reasonable.
Never! Let's get out of here before the crabs wake him up.
When I was underwater, I had a long time to think.
- You sank for a long time? - Yes, thank you.
And I realize, anchor not only thing holding me down.
Arranged marriage, fat-ass, selfish husband, backwards kingdom full of moron, they all imprison me.
Where is my simple girlhood dream of being greatest amphibian warrior? It is still here, in Oona's three hearts.
Don't you have any girlhood dreams? Well, a few.
So now is time! What you waiting for? The captain never gives us any orders.
You are pirates.
There's a defenseless ship of wealthy merchants right there.
Ahoy there, friends.
Aren't you the crazy lizard queen of Dreamland? I am crazy lizard queen of no land! If I had even one shred of dignity left, it is now long gone.
Where to? Silly question, but, um, did something happen here while I was gone? Man, I can't help but think this is kinda my fault.
I mean, I've allowed Vikings to take over the kingdom, stolen my grandma's jaw and drunkenly switched all those babies in the nursery, but this takes the cake.
Remember when we wrecked your dad's cake? Good times.
Bean, I'm sure your dad will forgive you.
He's an understanding guy.
You traitor! I'll never forgive you! Get out of my wasteland! Look out! Rye bread! And crois-sants! It's pronounced croiss Aww.
There's Sylvia! I met her in Heaven.
So sweet.
So racist.
Man, even this family burying their dead grandma is happier than mine.
A crazy dad, an evil mom and a reptile for a stepmom.
Hey, your step-lizard's looking pretty good right now.
Congratulations, my boys! What did we get? Fine lace, gold coins, and exotic spices that'll delight you all the way through, from tongue to bung.
Lookee here! A king's ransom in paprika! We are gonna make so many deviled eggs.
You're amazing.
You really know how to boss people around.
Well, I did boss around fat-ass in Dreamland.
Dreamland? Hey, it's the captain! Hi! The captain is an elf? Set sail for Dreamland! Wow.
Everything and everyone I've ever known is gone.
Except for your psycho dad.
But up here, we should be able to see him coming from miles away.
Why didn't you leave, Bean? I asked you politely.
- What? You threw all sorts of rocks at us.
- And a pig.
I should've known you'd turn out like your mother.
I'm not like her, Dad.
She's insane.
You're 50% her, 50% crazy.
And I'm 50% you.
So, great, I'm 100% off my nut.
But I'm not.
I'm my own person, and I came back to help you.
How do I know you won't betray me again, like when you ran off with her? Mom tricked both of us.
Please, I'm asking you to trust me.
Hand me the crossbow.
How do I know you're not going to shoot me? Look into my eyes, Dad.
Do I look like I would shoot you? Dad! Guys, help me.
He's too heavy.
I've been eatin' gravel for two weeks.
It's not the gravel, Dad.
Now do you trust me? Uh, yeah.
So, as I was sayin', welcome back.
What the hell's going on? This ain't invasion season.
Seven-ten split.
Noice! An elf? But the only other elf ever to leave Elfwood was Leavo.
Dread pirate Leavo.
And I think you know my first mate.
Hello, Zog.
Hello, ungrateful weasel girl I try to love only to have her betray me.
Hey, Oona.
Shiver me Tim Tams, could it be true? Listen, queenie, there are things we both want, so, deal? Deal.
For years, no one listen to me, even though I'm the only one in whole kingdom to graduate kindergarten.
But you think I return only to show I am better than you? Of course I do! Everybody here turn to stone.
Now you must turn to Oona.
That fabulous doodad can be yours if you fill my ship with treasures.
And hurry.
Ol' Stabby here is getting thirsty.
And Ol' Thirsty is getting stabby.
The Eternity Pendant.
If we can get blood from Leavo, we can use it to save the kingdom.
He's a real elf.
I may not be a real elf, but at least I know how to whisper.
We agree to all your terms.
Whatever you want.
All my fabulous riches are yours.
Treasure! We don't got no more fabulous riches.
We'll have to wing this in a dangerously half-assed manner.
That's the Grunkwitz way.
Babycakes, oh, how I missed you! That's fair.
I thought you were living happily ever after with your queen.
Oona, baby, you're my main queen.
Forget her.
You and me, we put in years together.
Or next to each other.
We can restore the kingdom and our marriage.
The kingdom, yes.
Our marriage, not so yes.
I want a divorce.
Nah, nah, nah.
Come on, baby.
We can work this out.
I can change.
And not just this smelly robe, my whole outfit.
We barely know each other.
I want to spread my wings.
You got wings? I guess we really don't know each other.
Excuse the mess.
I wasn't expecting anybody.
It reeks of despair.
'Tis naught but the shambles of the spartan life of a single man.
The Bozaks took all our best treasures.
Stone socks? 'Tis no treasure.
I thought the liquid only stonified living things? You don't know my socks.
What I'm after is far more valuable than this flea market fare.
You search the rest of the castle.
I'll search down below the castle.
Don't worry, Beanie.
I'll take care of it.
Elfo, take care of it.
You're an elf.
Me? How? I'm pretty sure I have some spare treasure in the dungeon.
Elfo, why don't you show the captain around? Have a nice elf-to-elf! When you're down there, crack him on the head and shove him in a box.
Go get him, you boob.
Hi, Leavo.
I'm a big fan of your work.
- Leaving? - Yes.
The master.
Huh? Hmm.
It couldn't be.
And yet it is.
I can't do it.
I'm supposed to shove you in a box so we can steal your blood and unfreeze all the people of Dreamland.
But I just I can't do it.
Elves should never be violent with each other.
Says you! I'll give you a choice.
Either you help me or I bash your face in.
How many times have I been presented with this exact same dilemma? This time, I'm gonna choose help.
Ow! Sorry, I thought you were going to say the other thing.
Oh, Oona, I'm so sorry.
I was completely wrong about you.
I forgive you for everything.
Except stealing my drugs.
Don't do that no more.
Your little friend told me all about your plan to kidnap me and drain my blood, you dirty dog.
Of course he did.
There never was any treasure.
I ought to just kill you all.
Wait! Wait.
Please listen.
We didn't lie.
There is treasure here.
It's in all the people that make up Dreamland.
With your blood, we can restore Dreamland to glory and make whatever wealth and prosperity you seek.
An entire kingdom at your disposal.
You want brave soldiers to fight for you? This one is a bad example.
But this one will.
This guy throws the weirdest parties! Oh! Chazz.
Have you ever been chazzed? It's a treat.
So what do you say? You need elf's blood.
My wee body hasn't nearly enough to restore the people in this courtyard, let alone your kingdom.
But I'll go to Elfwood and convince the elves to help unfreeze your people if you do one thing for me.
Is all this really necessary? Aye.
The elves must see you're no longer a threat.
You must show them you're a changed man.
Us elves, we're good at forgiving and forgetting.
Oh, look! This is where I died, remember? We're here! Get a load of this.
I've got enemy of the elves King Zog of Dreamland captured alive! He's here to make amends! Hmm.
My friends, I stand before you today to beg for your forgiveness.
Let the hanging begin! Oh! Sorry, I thought you were done.
You finish up and then I'll speak.
A few months back, a group of rogue soldiers, who may possibly have come from Dreamland, mistakenly attacked your proud and tiny king Let the hanging Sorry again.
If I could take it back, boy, I would, 'cause it wasn't right, and it didn't work out too good for me.
And now I need your help.
So, please, accept my most humble apologies.
- Go on.
- I'm done.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
- Let the hanging begin! - If I might have a word, sire.
Why should we help these treacherous humans? They've put us through enough.
What if I told you they have something we want? That I found what I was searching for all these years? Whoa.
You mean you found I may have.
The very thing.
I never thought Elfo would be the cool one.
Whistling is for losers.
I like to hum.
Now, about that free cookie Oh! Why did I ever work in this lousy kingdom? Well, this is awkward.
One down, six thousand-ish to go.
for your lives! I repeat, run for your All is well! What do you say, kid? Ready to make it official? Oh, Zog, I thought you'd never ask.
Divorced! We had a good run, Zoggy.
Yeah, remember that first night after our wedding when we Derek! There you go.
That's a good sky-chicken.
Seagulls taste better than pelicans.
Pigeons are too chewy, but they're really easy to catch.
Uh, Derek, honey, enough with the bird talk.
What about that divorce we mentioned? Well, it is a relief to know I'm not as damaged as you two.
Would you care for parrot or fairy? The time has come for me to leave my life as a pirate.
I've decided to stay in Dreamland.
This is where the true destiny of the elves lies now.
But who will be our captain? You'll need a new one.
A tough guy who likes giving orders and does everything with cold-blooded certainty.
Shut mouth.
I am taking job.
Mommy has to go to work.
But I will come get you every other weekend, okay? Meanwhile, anything I can bring you? A harlequin outfit.
If we attack a ship of clowns, I grab one.
Bean, you want to come with? I could use hotheaded crazy girl.
I think I've got a lot of ass-kicking to do around here.
There's plenty of fish in the sea, Dad.
Like hell am I gonna marry another fish woman.
You look like you could use a laugh.
Sorcerio! I don't know.
This guy's all goat jokes all the time.
That's no lady, that's my goat.
Ta-da! Not again! Thanks, kid.
You always know what I need.
- Oh, no! - What, Dad? Oona took the keys.

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