Divorce (2016) s02e03 Episode Script
Worth It
1 I'm just starting the process of changing my name.
I just got divorced.
- Oh, bummer.
- Not really.
This is to celebrate your papers being signed and for me officially investing in the gallery.
Thank you, but it's a loan.
I'm paying you back.
You're single.
You're a free man.
So that would be implying that I'm getting laid a lot.
No.
No, that's not happening.
WOMAN: Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
Now that you're single, are you swiping? I haven't taken the plunge yet.
Well, don't start because you're clearly a mess.
- Really? - A walking disaster.
I feel like I got sole custody of Mila's inner bitch.
You're changing your name? Fuck you.
Fuck you! (MUSIC PLAYING) There's a reason for the sun-shining sky And there's a reason why I'm feeling so high Must be the season When that love light shines all around us So, let that feeling grab you deep inside And send you reeling where your love can't hide And then go stealing through the moonlit nights With your lover I appreciate this Robert, coming here after work.
Your dream of a professional-grade pizza oven is my dream of a professional-grade pizza oven.
I just had no idea how much pleasure it would bring me just to braise a loin, supreme a grapefruit.
I hear ya.
I can't believe how much I'm digging this physical labor.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's just short-term, make some money.
But there's something about building with your own hands, coming home soaked in your own sweat.
I mean, check out these traps.
- That's impressive.
- Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) - You all right, Nick? - I'm fine.
Your heart's not gonna attack you again, is it? No, no.
I just (CLEARS THROAT) I've been a terrible friend.
I've treated you in a condescending manner.
I've belittled you at times.
To be honest, I've been a real goddamn shit.
I don't know, I just thought you were being you a dick.
That's not me, though.
That's what I realized.
I was just miserable.
Making money for what? It was all just meaningless.
I want you to know I'm really sorry.
Dude! (GRUNTS) Ah, Robert.
Ah, Nick, not so tight.
(GRUNTS) A little tweak down there.
This is ridiculous.
Let me help you.
Thanks, Nick.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Hi.
- Hi, hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You, too.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
- Throw it on the couch.
- Okay.
Thanks for coming.
I didn't know who else to ask.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
My aunt, she she died two months ago, so I'm left just dealing with all of her stuff.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
No, it's okay.
She was a monster.
- She hit people.
- Well, then good riddance.
So, what do you think? Is it worth anything? Uh, I don't know.
Or wait, do I sound like a jerk because you love art and I'm just trying to make a buck here? Well, I love art and I'm trying to make a buck, so I'm as awful as you are.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
No, I don't recognize any of these artists.
But wow, this is this is beautiful.
You love your work, huh? Finally, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) So do you wanna get dinner with me sometime? Do you do you mean like a date? Like like the thing you said I shouldn't be doing? - Did I say that? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no, that must've been before.
- Before what? Before you were rattling around in my brain.
- (CHUCKLES) - So? No, I don't I don't think so.
- Oh, okay.
- No, it's not (STAMMERING) I think I should just - be on my own for a bit.
- No, I get it.
It takes a while to learn how to be alone.
But don't take too long, because this whole situation (CHUCKLES) will not sit on the shelf forever.
- Noted.
- Also, here.
This is for you; my thanks.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no way.
- I can't take that, no.
- Please, it's yours.
Unless it turns out to have any value; then I'd like it back.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Fair enough, fair enough.
Wow, I love it.
(MAN ON TV SPEAKING JAPANESE) (CLEARS THROAT) Nick.
(MAN CONTINUES) Nick! I'm being fun and flirty! I'm sorry, dear, I'm trying to cut the saku just right.
My corset boobs used to drive you crazy.
And they will again, but right now, it's all about my knife skills.
- But I'm a red devil.
- Honey, you should be happy I've found something that gives me so much pleasure.
I just wish you had something comparable.
What do you mean? I have something comparable.
- You do? - Well, yes, of course.
The art gallery.
I'm very passionate about it.
As a matter of fact, tomorrow night, I'm taking Frances to Gurbaksh Lee's birthday party (WHISPERS) in Harlem.
And I plan on introducing her to all very important collectors.
So I have a lot of very important stuff going on, too, Nick.
Perfect, because that is one party I'm happy to miss.
Finance people, what a pretentious bunch of dullards.
Goddamn perfection.
Okay, Sylvia Mac Sylvia MacDonald-Feinstein.
Yes, yes.
And once again, I'm so sorry to have bothered you.
And I'm so, so, so sorry to hear that your that your dog was murdered.
Okay, my sincere condolences.
Yes, bye-bye.
- (GROANS) - (DOOR OPENS) - DIANE: Good morning, Frances.
- (DOOR CLOSES) FRANCES: Morning.
Uh, we have a red dot.
Yay, a red dot! I love a red dot.
- I got you an iced coffee.
- Thank you.
Got one for myself.
Ready to do some business.
But one sale? That's why we need to talk this place up tomorrow night.
We need to make it like a destination, you know? Like Cuba.
What's this? Oh, uh, it's Andrew gave it to me.
- You saw him Andrew? - Well, not like that, no.
He asked me to to appraise some art.
- I knew you guys were a good match.
- Oh, no, I told him no.
- Sylvia MacDonald.
- Do you know her? - Never heard of her.
- Yeah, me neither.
I'm trying to find her.
You know, maybe she has some other work.
Wow, good for you, Frances.
Out there, discovering an artist.
Well, so far, we only have locals, and I don't know how deep that bench is.
I'm worried we're, like, six months away - from bird houses and painted rocks.
- Yeah, I get it.
And as your business partner, I completely support you on whatever you wanna do.
Thank you.
Hey, can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- I have good tits, right? - You have great tits.
- Why, thank you.
(DRILL WHIRRING) - Hi.
- Oh, God! Hi, hey.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm just here to get a little sneak peek before the open house, ahead of the competition.
- I'm Jackie.
- Oh, hey, Jackie.
That's a classic Realtor move.
Well, I am a Realtor, but this one's for me.
My daughter and I are moving into the neighborhood.
Ugh, never mind.
Really? That that quick? This kitchen doesn't have double sinks, and I need to be able to pile my dishes up for at least five days.
No judgment.
But you know what? You know what, I happen to know a house in the vicinity that's for sale that has two sinks and a pasta faucet.
Why are we whispering? Because the house is mine.
I don't wanna get labeled as a poacher.
It's a bad thing.
But you know what, to heck with it.
I can show you the house tomorrow.
Really? How's 5:00? That's great! That's great.
Let me, uh Robert DuFresne, general contractor.
Listen, uh, no free looks before the open house.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
(WHISPERS) Oh! Thanks for cooperating.
(CHATTER) - Hello.
- Hi! This might seem a little bit strange, but are you Sylvia MacDonald, the painter, who at one point painted an exquisite portrait of, um of a man's face in front of a moody, grayish background? I know this is odd, but I came across the painting, and I was so taken with it.
I have a gallery, it's in Hastings.
But anyway, are you by any chance that Sylvia MacDonald? No.
Um, you know what, can I get, um could can I get could I get two rolls of quarters, please? I found a YouTube video of who I think is you from 2008, and it was an art opening where you talked about your paintings.
Here you go, ma'am.
Thank you.
Next! - No, um, can you just wait one second? - Next! - One second, one second.
- WOMAN: There's a line.
Um, can I get just change for this 20, please? - WOMAN: Come on! - (PEOPLE MURMURING) How about you take your coffee break now? (HORN HONKING) So, you saw one painting of mine and tracked me down to my job? Yes, and I understand that this is intrusive, but I loved it.
I just wanted to see your other work.
- For my gallery.
- Yes, in Hastings.
Listen, Frances, I don't know you.
Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know anything about you.
And you come here to my place of business, talking about a painting you saw and wanting to work with me? I know it sounds crazy, but I can still like your painting.
What did you like about it? Uh, okay.
I I liked your marks.
You know, I like what you did in the, um in the upper right-hand corner with the gray.
You know, then there's the the part that that you just can't explain.
You just have a reaction, you know? I I'm just asking to see more, that's all.
It's not "that's all.
" It's what I do.
It's my most private thing.
How would you like it if I walked into your place of business and said, "Excuse me, but could you show me your labia?" I've been waiting a whole 10 minutes, "so I really deserve to see your labia.
" - Well, I wouldn't like that one bit.
- It's the same thing.
Well, except my labia, you know, wasn't meant, by it's very medium, to be hung on a wall and enjoyed by others.
I think your painting is great.
I gotta go back to work.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (HORN HONKS) (CAR ALARM BLARING IN DISTANCE) So the slate ceramic flooring, powder room, breathtaking view of the Hudson River Valley.
I'm doing some inlay on the glass doors.
Calligraphy, if you will.
Here it is just as promoted.
Two sinks, pasta faucet, and it's not totally finished so you can tinker around, - get it to be like you want it to be.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm only gonna sell it to somebody that's absolutely crazy about it.
Like, "Jesus, I have got to have sex with this house.
" Not sex in the house, sex with the house.
Yeah.
I don't wanna have sex with your house.
Well, I was being figurative.
Oh, no, no, I like it.
I like it well enough.
And if I was gonna take it off your hands, I'd just have to knock, like, $100k off the asking price.
What?! 100? That's crazy! I just would have to rip everything out and start from scratch.
These design choices are just way off.
- What do you mean way off? - Yeah, like this island, I would definitely I would cut it in half.
I would add a little cabinetry, maybe a wine cooler.
And these floors, ugh! Where did you get them, Home Depot? That is Siberian larch wood! They look really generic.
This house means a lot to me.
It sheltered me through some pretty difficult times.
There's no way I'm gonna sell this house to you for your crappy offer.
And, you know, you've got a little bit of an attitude.
Well, I opened up an office about 10 minutes away.
Why don't you take my card in case you change your mind.
You can imagine that this card is gonna be ripped in half.
I'm not gonna do it in front of you because that would be rude.
But in here and in here, ripped in half.
Okay.
Thank you for your time.
Bye.
Thanks for yours.
- (BONES CRACK) - (GRUNTS) Oh, fuck.
Holy fuck.
(GROANS) (GROANS, SIGHS) (MUSIC PLAYING) - Yes.
- He's adorable.
- Hi, Simone! So pretty.
- Hi! She's dressed like my mom.
- D.
J.
! - Diane.
Oh, nice to see you.
- This is D.
J.
Crawford.
- Hi.
Young, beautiful, worth about 20 million.
Don't you just wanna strangle her in her sleep? Diane, you are hysterical.
- I am, I am.
- Oh, my gosh, so funny.
- She's very funny.
- This is Frances Everdell, my partner in our new gallery.
A gallery? That's exciting! - Where is it? - Hastings, New York.
Hastings? Like upstate? No, it's not upstate.
That's so great.
Is it like folk art kind of stuff? Um, no, it's just regular contemporary art.
Yeah, and it's it's not upstate.
We like to think of it as a "safe space" kind of away from all the New York judgment, if you will.
- That's so great.
- Gurbaksh! Happy birthday! Aw, how old are you today? - 32.
- The big 3-2! Very big milestone.
Excuse me, please.
- Oh, sure.
- Nice to see you.
Happy birthday.
(MUSIC STOPS) Okay, folks.
Thanks for coming to my birthday party.
As you know, I forbade presents this year, but thanks to all of you who donated to my charter school.
However, I did get myself a present.
One that's been five years in the making.
Wow.
So, the moment I have been waiting for.
(CROWD GASPS, APPLAUDS) - Um, sorry, I - Of course, of course.
- (CROWD MURMURING) - Frances, he bought a Pelts! Yes, I can see that.
Wow! What, you don't like it? - No, I do not.
- Why? It's big and nothing.
- Hmm.
- Just feels "following the herd.
" Well, the herd is the one buying the art, and they seem to love it.
I don't, but it's okay.
(CHUCKLES) - I'm gonna look around.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
Sorry, D.
J.
Edibles? We have mellow-high, giggly-high, horny-high, and completely fucked-up.
Oh.
I will take the completely fucked-up.
All right.
- All right, enjoy.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Was it St.
Bart's? I will never fly commercial ever again.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - So gross! Like, the smell.
I will never forget the smell.
It was so bad! - It's like a bus with mules.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) I know! (ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING, SHOUTING) - (MOANS, PANTS) - Come on.
- Come on, bitch.
- (GIGGLES) Yeah.
- (ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS) - (MUSIC THUMPING) Excuse me.
Have a good night.
(MUFFLED) This is amazing.
Mmm, the crunch! It's a crunch explosion in my mouth.
Won't you accept this rose, please? - Diane.
- (GASPS) Frances! You are not gonna believe what just happened.
I just got my friend Brett here to loan us a Pelts.
- What? - From his collection, for the gallery, - to help put us on the map! - That's so generous.
My pleasure.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- She will be right back.
What? I'm sorry, but we we can't take that.
- What?! - No.
Frances, this is exactly what we wanted! To take the gallery to the next level.
Yes, but I was hoping that would happen by showing what I like, not what other people like.
But, Frances, no one is gonna come if they don't know we exist! - Do you understand? - I know you mean well, I really do.
But but we're not actually partners.
You loaned me money, which I appreciate so much.
But I'm I'm not looking for a partnership right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I always imagined the gallery was just mine.
This really hurts my feelings.
I just got someone to loan us a $2 million sculpture.
- No, I know.
- I'm good at things, and I'm tired of people not seeing that.
Diane, you are good at things.
And so am I.
Okay, I gotta go.
(DOOR CLOSES) (BUZZER BUZZING) - (DOOR OPENS) - (BUZZING RESUMES) Oh! Hi! Hi! (PANTING) It's 1:00 in the morning.
Yeah, yeah, no, I know that.
I know that.
I am going to have to insist that you let me in and show me your work.
I have a feeling about you, Sylvia.
That's just the way it is.
Okay? I don't want to scare you, but I might just have to stay here till you let me in.
(EXHALES) They're gorgeous.
And unfinished? I keep painting them, and then every day, I keep realizing they're shit.
Okay, you should go now.
No, wait, wait, wait, I just wanna understand.
So at some point, you finished your paintings.
I was represented by a gallery, then I stopped selling, then the bougie-ass gallery dropped me.
And so you don't finish anything anymore? Fuck the galleries! Fuck the art world! What, you think that those people know something that you don't? I am here to tell you, unequivocally, that they do not.
They just fake it better.
They're just they just fake it.
- You really should go now.
- Finish a painting for both of us.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) - Well, good morning! - Good morning.
Ugh, good morning.
I'm so sorry I didn't make it into bed last night.
We had such a crazy night.
Did you miss me terribly? I hadn't even noticed.
(SLURPS) She's a real ballbuster, this one, let me tell you, Nick.
Walking around my house, with her condescending nose sticking up in the air.
It's really annoying.
Granted, she did seem to know her way around home renovation, which is not not hot.
Realtors in general, very attractive industry.
There's no way I'm gonna sell my house for that price.
Even though the chiropractors pretty much told me I'm done in the physical labor arena.
But, still, at that price, no way, Nick! Good for you, Robert.
Listen, if you need money No! Absolutely not! Thank you, but no.
That's not what this is about.
It's about two guys sitting around complaining, one of them bitching about his bad back while watching another guy build the professional-grade pizza oven.
- Hector! - SÃ? - Muchas gracias.
- Mm-hmm.
Muy bien.
(THUDDING) Uh, excuse me? Hi.
What what is that? Oh, it's a delivery from Brett Morris.
Diane Clavowen gave us the alarm code.
It looks like shit.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Literally.
But it's a Pelts.
(MUSIC PLAYING) So take a look around and see what you think.
And just so you know, I'm not gonna follow you around the house like some serial killer.
I believe a good home sells itself.
Have a lobster roll.
- Hi! Lobster rolls in there.
- MAN: Thanks.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- Hey.
Thank you.
So, I guess you're surprised to see me here.
- Not really.
- What? Okay.
Um, well, look, my circumstances have changed a little bit.
- So I - Hi! Welcome.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- This is a very lesbian-friendly neighborhood.
Go right in there, check out the rest of the house.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, what? I have decided to accept your crappy offer.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Even though that is in no way an indication that I don't stand by my quality work, which is 10 times better than this Ikea shitbox you're selling here today.
All the cabinetry is from a tiny mill in North Carolina.
I have the paperwork if you'd like to see it.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
I poured my heart and soul into that house.
- (SCOFFS) - And I wish I could tell you to shove your crappy offer.
But I can't do that because I'm having a situation in my lower lumbar region that requires an influx of fresh capital.
Would you calm down? I'm trying to do business here! Is it the business of crapping all over a man's hard work? Shh! I was lowballing you! Oh.
What about my island? Oh, it's perfect.
Well, fucking A it is.
I loved your house the minute I walked in.
I know right away when I like something.
It has never failed me.
So what you're saying is that you wanna have sex with my house? I'd blow it and see where that goes.
25K off the asking; that's it.
- 75 and we close.
- 50K and the house is yours.
Deal.
Deal.
(MUSIC PLAYING) This is so exciting.
To have an Eliot Pelts in Hastings.
- Yes, shocking, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
(GASPS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Excuse me? - FRANCES: Mm-hmm? - How much is this piece? - Which one? Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
I haven't decided if I'm selling that yet.
It's beautiful.
- I just love it.
- Me, too.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
And, um, thanks for your interest.
(SIGHS) I think I met someone.
Really? Tell me about him.
I just got divorced.
- Oh, bummer.
- Not really.
This is to celebrate your papers being signed and for me officially investing in the gallery.
Thank you, but it's a loan.
I'm paying you back.
You're single.
You're a free man.
So that would be implying that I'm getting laid a lot.
No.
No, that's not happening.
WOMAN: Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
Now that you're single, are you swiping? I haven't taken the plunge yet.
Well, don't start because you're clearly a mess.
- Really? - A walking disaster.
I feel like I got sole custody of Mila's inner bitch.
You're changing your name? Fuck you.
Fuck you! (MUSIC PLAYING) There's a reason for the sun-shining sky And there's a reason why I'm feeling so high Must be the season When that love light shines all around us So, let that feeling grab you deep inside And send you reeling where your love can't hide And then go stealing through the moonlit nights With your lover I appreciate this Robert, coming here after work.
Your dream of a professional-grade pizza oven is my dream of a professional-grade pizza oven.
I just had no idea how much pleasure it would bring me just to braise a loin, supreme a grapefruit.
I hear ya.
I can't believe how much I'm digging this physical labor.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's just short-term, make some money.
But there's something about building with your own hands, coming home soaked in your own sweat.
I mean, check out these traps.
- That's impressive.
- Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) - You all right, Nick? - I'm fine.
Your heart's not gonna attack you again, is it? No, no.
I just (CLEARS THROAT) I've been a terrible friend.
I've treated you in a condescending manner.
I've belittled you at times.
To be honest, I've been a real goddamn shit.
I don't know, I just thought you were being you a dick.
That's not me, though.
That's what I realized.
I was just miserable.
Making money for what? It was all just meaningless.
I want you to know I'm really sorry.
Dude! (GRUNTS) Ah, Robert.
Ah, Nick, not so tight.
(GRUNTS) A little tweak down there.
This is ridiculous.
Let me help you.
Thanks, Nick.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Hi.
- Hi, hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You, too.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
- Throw it on the couch.
- Okay.
Thanks for coming.
I didn't know who else to ask.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
My aunt, she she died two months ago, so I'm left just dealing with all of her stuff.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
No, it's okay.
She was a monster.
- She hit people.
- Well, then good riddance.
So, what do you think? Is it worth anything? Uh, I don't know.
Or wait, do I sound like a jerk because you love art and I'm just trying to make a buck here? Well, I love art and I'm trying to make a buck, so I'm as awful as you are.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
No, I don't recognize any of these artists.
But wow, this is this is beautiful.
You love your work, huh? Finally, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) So do you wanna get dinner with me sometime? Do you do you mean like a date? Like like the thing you said I shouldn't be doing? - Did I say that? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no, that must've been before.
- Before what? Before you were rattling around in my brain.
- (CHUCKLES) - So? No, I don't I don't think so.
- Oh, okay.
- No, it's not (STAMMERING) I think I should just - be on my own for a bit.
- No, I get it.
It takes a while to learn how to be alone.
But don't take too long, because this whole situation (CHUCKLES) will not sit on the shelf forever.
- Noted.
- Also, here.
This is for you; my thanks.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no way.
- I can't take that, no.
- Please, it's yours.
Unless it turns out to have any value; then I'd like it back.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Fair enough, fair enough.
Wow, I love it.
(MAN ON TV SPEAKING JAPANESE) (CLEARS THROAT) Nick.
(MAN CONTINUES) Nick! I'm being fun and flirty! I'm sorry, dear, I'm trying to cut the saku just right.
My corset boobs used to drive you crazy.
And they will again, but right now, it's all about my knife skills.
- But I'm a red devil.
- Honey, you should be happy I've found something that gives me so much pleasure.
I just wish you had something comparable.
What do you mean? I have something comparable.
- You do? - Well, yes, of course.
The art gallery.
I'm very passionate about it.
As a matter of fact, tomorrow night, I'm taking Frances to Gurbaksh Lee's birthday party (WHISPERS) in Harlem.
And I plan on introducing her to all very important collectors.
So I have a lot of very important stuff going on, too, Nick.
Perfect, because that is one party I'm happy to miss.
Finance people, what a pretentious bunch of dullards.
Goddamn perfection.
Okay, Sylvia Mac Sylvia MacDonald-Feinstein.
Yes, yes.
And once again, I'm so sorry to have bothered you.
And I'm so, so, so sorry to hear that your that your dog was murdered.
Okay, my sincere condolences.
Yes, bye-bye.
- (GROANS) - (DOOR OPENS) - DIANE: Good morning, Frances.
- (DOOR CLOSES) FRANCES: Morning.
Uh, we have a red dot.
Yay, a red dot! I love a red dot.
- I got you an iced coffee.
- Thank you.
Got one for myself.
Ready to do some business.
But one sale? That's why we need to talk this place up tomorrow night.
We need to make it like a destination, you know? Like Cuba.
What's this? Oh, uh, it's Andrew gave it to me.
- You saw him Andrew? - Well, not like that, no.
He asked me to to appraise some art.
- I knew you guys were a good match.
- Oh, no, I told him no.
- Sylvia MacDonald.
- Do you know her? - Never heard of her.
- Yeah, me neither.
I'm trying to find her.
You know, maybe she has some other work.
Wow, good for you, Frances.
Out there, discovering an artist.
Well, so far, we only have locals, and I don't know how deep that bench is.
I'm worried we're, like, six months away - from bird houses and painted rocks.
- Yeah, I get it.
And as your business partner, I completely support you on whatever you wanna do.
Thank you.
Hey, can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- I have good tits, right? - You have great tits.
- Why, thank you.
(DRILL WHIRRING) - Hi.
- Oh, God! Hi, hey.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm just here to get a little sneak peek before the open house, ahead of the competition.
- I'm Jackie.
- Oh, hey, Jackie.
That's a classic Realtor move.
Well, I am a Realtor, but this one's for me.
My daughter and I are moving into the neighborhood.
Ugh, never mind.
Really? That that quick? This kitchen doesn't have double sinks, and I need to be able to pile my dishes up for at least five days.
No judgment.
But you know what? You know what, I happen to know a house in the vicinity that's for sale that has two sinks and a pasta faucet.
Why are we whispering? Because the house is mine.
I don't wanna get labeled as a poacher.
It's a bad thing.
But you know what, to heck with it.
I can show you the house tomorrow.
Really? How's 5:00? That's great! That's great.
Let me, uh Robert DuFresne, general contractor.
Listen, uh, no free looks before the open house.
So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
(WHISPERS) Oh! Thanks for cooperating.
(CHATTER) - Hello.
- Hi! This might seem a little bit strange, but are you Sylvia MacDonald, the painter, who at one point painted an exquisite portrait of, um of a man's face in front of a moody, grayish background? I know this is odd, but I came across the painting, and I was so taken with it.
I have a gallery, it's in Hastings.
But anyway, are you by any chance that Sylvia MacDonald? No.
Um, you know what, can I get, um could can I get could I get two rolls of quarters, please? I found a YouTube video of who I think is you from 2008, and it was an art opening where you talked about your paintings.
Here you go, ma'am.
Thank you.
Next! - No, um, can you just wait one second? - Next! - One second, one second.
- WOMAN: There's a line.
Um, can I get just change for this 20, please? - WOMAN: Come on! - (PEOPLE MURMURING) How about you take your coffee break now? (HORN HONKING) So, you saw one painting of mine and tracked me down to my job? Yes, and I understand that this is intrusive, but I loved it.
I just wanted to see your other work.
- For my gallery.
- Yes, in Hastings.
Listen, Frances, I don't know you.
Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know anything about you.
And you come here to my place of business, talking about a painting you saw and wanting to work with me? I know it sounds crazy, but I can still like your painting.
What did you like about it? Uh, okay.
I I liked your marks.
You know, I like what you did in the, um in the upper right-hand corner with the gray.
You know, then there's the the part that that you just can't explain.
You just have a reaction, you know? I I'm just asking to see more, that's all.
It's not "that's all.
" It's what I do.
It's my most private thing.
How would you like it if I walked into your place of business and said, "Excuse me, but could you show me your labia?" I've been waiting a whole 10 minutes, "so I really deserve to see your labia.
" - Well, I wouldn't like that one bit.
- It's the same thing.
Well, except my labia, you know, wasn't meant, by it's very medium, to be hung on a wall and enjoyed by others.
I think your painting is great.
I gotta go back to work.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (HORN HONKS) (CAR ALARM BLARING IN DISTANCE) So the slate ceramic flooring, powder room, breathtaking view of the Hudson River Valley.
I'm doing some inlay on the glass doors.
Calligraphy, if you will.
Here it is just as promoted.
Two sinks, pasta faucet, and it's not totally finished so you can tinker around, - get it to be like you want it to be.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm only gonna sell it to somebody that's absolutely crazy about it.
Like, "Jesus, I have got to have sex with this house.
" Not sex in the house, sex with the house.
Yeah.
I don't wanna have sex with your house.
Well, I was being figurative.
Oh, no, no, I like it.
I like it well enough.
And if I was gonna take it off your hands, I'd just have to knock, like, $100k off the asking price.
What?! 100? That's crazy! I just would have to rip everything out and start from scratch.
These design choices are just way off.
- What do you mean way off? - Yeah, like this island, I would definitely I would cut it in half.
I would add a little cabinetry, maybe a wine cooler.
And these floors, ugh! Where did you get them, Home Depot? That is Siberian larch wood! They look really generic.
This house means a lot to me.
It sheltered me through some pretty difficult times.
There's no way I'm gonna sell this house to you for your crappy offer.
And, you know, you've got a little bit of an attitude.
Well, I opened up an office about 10 minutes away.
Why don't you take my card in case you change your mind.
You can imagine that this card is gonna be ripped in half.
I'm not gonna do it in front of you because that would be rude.
But in here and in here, ripped in half.
Okay.
Thank you for your time.
Bye.
Thanks for yours.
- (BONES CRACK) - (GRUNTS) Oh, fuck.
Holy fuck.
(GROANS) (GROANS, SIGHS) (MUSIC PLAYING) - Yes.
- He's adorable.
- Hi, Simone! So pretty.
- Hi! She's dressed like my mom.
- D.
J.
! - Diane.
Oh, nice to see you.
- This is D.
J.
Crawford.
- Hi.
Young, beautiful, worth about 20 million.
Don't you just wanna strangle her in her sleep? Diane, you are hysterical.
- I am, I am.
- Oh, my gosh, so funny.
- She's very funny.
- This is Frances Everdell, my partner in our new gallery.
A gallery? That's exciting! - Where is it? - Hastings, New York.
Hastings? Like upstate? No, it's not upstate.
That's so great.
Is it like folk art kind of stuff? Um, no, it's just regular contemporary art.
Yeah, and it's it's not upstate.
We like to think of it as a "safe space" kind of away from all the New York judgment, if you will.
- That's so great.
- Gurbaksh! Happy birthday! Aw, how old are you today? - 32.
- The big 3-2! Very big milestone.
Excuse me, please.
- Oh, sure.
- Nice to see you.
Happy birthday.
(MUSIC STOPS) Okay, folks.
Thanks for coming to my birthday party.
As you know, I forbade presents this year, but thanks to all of you who donated to my charter school.
However, I did get myself a present.
One that's been five years in the making.
Wow.
So, the moment I have been waiting for.
(CROWD GASPS, APPLAUDS) - Um, sorry, I - Of course, of course.
- (CROWD MURMURING) - Frances, he bought a Pelts! Yes, I can see that.
Wow! What, you don't like it? - No, I do not.
- Why? It's big and nothing.
- Hmm.
- Just feels "following the herd.
" Well, the herd is the one buying the art, and they seem to love it.
I don't, but it's okay.
(CHUCKLES) - I'm gonna look around.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
Sorry, D.
J.
Edibles? We have mellow-high, giggly-high, horny-high, and completely fucked-up.
Oh.
I will take the completely fucked-up.
All right.
- All right, enjoy.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING) Was it St.
Bart's? I will never fly commercial ever again.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - So gross! Like, the smell.
I will never forget the smell.
It was so bad! - It's like a bus with mules.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) I know! (ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) (ALL LAUGHING, SHOUTING) - (MOANS, PANTS) - Come on.
- Come on, bitch.
- (GIGGLES) Yeah.
- (ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS) - (MUSIC THUMPING) Excuse me.
Have a good night.
(MUFFLED) This is amazing.
Mmm, the crunch! It's a crunch explosion in my mouth.
Won't you accept this rose, please? - Diane.
- (GASPS) Frances! You are not gonna believe what just happened.
I just got my friend Brett here to loan us a Pelts.
- What? - From his collection, for the gallery, - to help put us on the map! - That's so generous.
My pleasure.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- She will be right back.
What? I'm sorry, but we we can't take that.
- What?! - No.
Frances, this is exactly what we wanted! To take the gallery to the next level.
Yes, but I was hoping that would happen by showing what I like, not what other people like.
But, Frances, no one is gonna come if they don't know we exist! - Do you understand? - I know you mean well, I really do.
But but we're not actually partners.
You loaned me money, which I appreciate so much.
But I'm I'm not looking for a partnership right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I always imagined the gallery was just mine.
This really hurts my feelings.
I just got someone to loan us a $2 million sculpture.
- No, I know.
- I'm good at things, and I'm tired of people not seeing that.
Diane, you are good at things.
And so am I.
Okay, I gotta go.
(DOOR CLOSES) (BUZZER BUZZING) - (DOOR OPENS) - (BUZZING RESUMES) Oh! Hi! Hi! (PANTING) It's 1:00 in the morning.
Yeah, yeah, no, I know that.
I know that.
I am going to have to insist that you let me in and show me your work.
I have a feeling about you, Sylvia.
That's just the way it is.
Okay? I don't want to scare you, but I might just have to stay here till you let me in.
(EXHALES) They're gorgeous.
And unfinished? I keep painting them, and then every day, I keep realizing they're shit.
Okay, you should go now.
No, wait, wait, wait, I just wanna understand.
So at some point, you finished your paintings.
I was represented by a gallery, then I stopped selling, then the bougie-ass gallery dropped me.
And so you don't finish anything anymore? Fuck the galleries! Fuck the art world! What, you think that those people know something that you don't? I am here to tell you, unequivocally, that they do not.
They just fake it better.
They're just they just fake it.
- You really should go now.
- Finish a painting for both of us.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) - Well, good morning! - Good morning.
Ugh, good morning.
I'm so sorry I didn't make it into bed last night.
We had such a crazy night.
Did you miss me terribly? I hadn't even noticed.
(SLURPS) She's a real ballbuster, this one, let me tell you, Nick.
Walking around my house, with her condescending nose sticking up in the air.
It's really annoying.
Granted, she did seem to know her way around home renovation, which is not not hot.
Realtors in general, very attractive industry.
There's no way I'm gonna sell my house for that price.
Even though the chiropractors pretty much told me I'm done in the physical labor arena.
But, still, at that price, no way, Nick! Good for you, Robert.
Listen, if you need money No! Absolutely not! Thank you, but no.
That's not what this is about.
It's about two guys sitting around complaining, one of them bitching about his bad back while watching another guy build the professional-grade pizza oven.
- Hector! - SÃ? - Muchas gracias.
- Mm-hmm.
Muy bien.
(THUDDING) Uh, excuse me? Hi.
What what is that? Oh, it's a delivery from Brett Morris.
Diane Clavowen gave us the alarm code.
It looks like shit.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Literally.
But it's a Pelts.
(MUSIC PLAYING) So take a look around and see what you think.
And just so you know, I'm not gonna follow you around the house like some serial killer.
I believe a good home sells itself.
Have a lobster roll.
- Hi! Lobster rolls in there.
- MAN: Thanks.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- Hey.
Thank you.
So, I guess you're surprised to see me here.
- Not really.
- What? Okay.
Um, well, look, my circumstances have changed a little bit.
- So I - Hi! Welcome.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- This is a very lesbian-friendly neighborhood.
Go right in there, check out the rest of the house.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, what? I have decided to accept your crappy offer.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Even though that is in no way an indication that I don't stand by my quality work, which is 10 times better than this Ikea shitbox you're selling here today.
All the cabinetry is from a tiny mill in North Carolina.
I have the paperwork if you'd like to see it.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
I poured my heart and soul into that house.
- (SCOFFS) - And I wish I could tell you to shove your crappy offer.
But I can't do that because I'm having a situation in my lower lumbar region that requires an influx of fresh capital.
Would you calm down? I'm trying to do business here! Is it the business of crapping all over a man's hard work? Shh! I was lowballing you! Oh.
What about my island? Oh, it's perfect.
Well, fucking A it is.
I loved your house the minute I walked in.
I know right away when I like something.
It has never failed me.
So what you're saying is that you wanna have sex with my house? I'd blow it and see where that goes.
25K off the asking; that's it.
- 75 and we close.
- 50K and the house is yours.
Deal.
Deal.
(MUSIC PLAYING) This is so exciting.
To have an Eliot Pelts in Hastings.
- Yes, shocking, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
(GASPS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Excuse me? - FRANCES: Mm-hmm? - How much is this piece? - Which one? Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
I haven't decided if I'm selling that yet.
It's beautiful.
- I just love it.
- Me, too.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
And, um, thanks for your interest.
(SIGHS) I think I met someone.
Really? Tell me about him.